Central Park 1x1

1. In the middle of Manhattan

2. There's a spot unlike the rest

3. An actual oasis

4. It's like New York, but undressed

5. I'm talking 'bout a place That all the bustle seems to pass

6. What's this place I speak of?

7. Why, I'm so glad you asked

8. It's Central Park

9. It's a haven, it's a jewel

10. Central Park

11. And it even has a pool

12. The city's little refuge Filled with kind of art and art

13. And guess what?

14. It's central in my heart

15. The cops patrol on horsies

16. As the kiddos hide their weed

17. Be cool. Be cool.

18. There's tennis players deucin'

19. And he just deuced for free

20. Good job!

21. See Rollerbladers tripping

22. Yogis doing downward dog

23. And truant students skipping

24. While their Waspy mothers jog

25. Central Park

26. Built in 1857

27. Central Park

28. Where all rats go to heaven

29. It used to be a village

30. But no one talks about that part

31. Dark chapter

32. Anyhoo...

33. It's central in my heart

34. And in this gorgeous haunt You'll find all you'd ever want

35. Picnics on the giant lawn

36. Rowboats floating on the pond

37. Carts with churros, mangoes too

38. - Hey, halal - Hello to you

39. - Shakespeare plays - Folksy tunes

40. - Bucket drummers - Fun cartoons

41. People play and people sing That guy won't do anything

42. - The park's a meeting spot - A melting pot

43. It's like this souvenir I bought

44. An equalizer An exerciser

45. A perfect place to wear my visor

46. Central Park

47. Where the animals can talk

48. Central Park

49. My mistake They cannot talk

50. Grandiose and glorious Unlike any place on Earth

51. Where else can your son and daughter Splash in dirty hot dog water?

52. Here at the midpoint

53. A park that's so central

54. The name's not that clever

55. But screw it, whatever

56. It's central

57. In my heart

58. Hi. I am a humble troubadour, a busker.

59. They call me Birdie, 'cause I sing like a bird,

60. and I've bathed in that fountain.

61. And this behind me is Edendale "Castle."

62. I'm putting quotes around "castle"

63. because I think it was originally built to hold shovels, or b—

64. horse bones or dead people.

65. But now, this is where the manager of the park lives with his family.

66. Let's peek inside. It's not creepy. I'm the narrator.

67. But we should, you know, not get caught.

68. Not 'cause it's creepy, but we should— Let's just be cautious.

69. That's Cole.

70. That's Molly.

71. Their mom is Paige.

72. And the dad is Owen.

73. He's the park manager.

74. That's why he's wearing those shorts. They tell you he's in charge.

75. - Does anybody hear whispering? - Damn it.

76. No.

77. Well, happy Hot Lips Turtlehead Day, everyone.

78. The coolest annual flower blooming celebration on earth.

79. Are we excited? Are we dancing? Yeah, we're dancing.

80. - Is that dancing? - Arms, maybe. Legs, I don't know.

81. I love Hot Lips Turtlehead Day.

82. More than graffiti removal week?

83. Oh, I do love that.

84. But yes, even more.

85. And I've got stickers for the crowd this year.

86. "Everybody's turtleheading."

87. Dad, you know that "turtleheading" also means

88. when you really have to go to the bathroom?

89. It does?

90. Yeah, the turtle sticks his little head out eagerly. No?

91. Oh, no. Oh, no. I made so many of these.

92. It doesn't matter.

93. People are still gonna show up this year. Still gonna have a good time.

94. People probably aren't gonna show up this year, and last year wasn't great.

95. Look at that, huh?

96. New Yorkers just don't get as excited about flowers blooming as they used to.

97. I blame it on the fact that there's any other thing to do.

98. I should get going.

99. Not gonna swing by the flower beds on your way to work?

100. Today's the day I'm having the big talk with my editor.

101. Paige works at a small weekly newspaper

102. that is the number one most left-on-the-subway paper in the city.

103. Yep. I'm gonna try to convince Marvin to let me cover actual news.

104. Can't keep doing fluffy fluff. I'm a journalist, not a cat.

105. No matter what you write, Mom, I'll always pretend I read it.

106. - Oh, you. Who's my special boy? - Me.

107. Look at you. You are my special boy.

108. Too bad you can't just stick him back up there.

109. - What? - Nothing.

110. Well, it's just me and the kids then.

111. Turtleheading together. Nope. Keep forgetting what that means.

112. When did people decide that?

113. Wow. Look at the time. Gotta go.

114. What? Where you going? What about the flowers?

115. I gotta be somewhere.

116. To draw. A boy.

117. I mean, I wanna watch him from afar.

118. Without his knowledge. But respectfully.

119. No, of course.

120. I saw him flying his kite last weekend, and I don't even care that he's cute.

121. 'Cause I'm not into appearances or athletic shoulders at all. I don't care.

122. He seemed like the kind of boy who would maybe fly his kite at the same time

123. every Saturday near that rock I hide behind.

124. If the wind is blowing, which it is, out of the northeast,

125. not that I researched that— I gotta go! I have to go!

126. By the way, there's nothing wrong with watching people from afar,

127. or through a window, or whatever.

128. Duck down. Duck down.

129. - Didn't I used to have more sausage? - Didn't we all?

130. But that's life, huh? I gotta go.

131. What about the turtleheads?

132. That sausage is gonna come up later.

133. You'll see. Follow the sausage.

134. It's a link to something.

135. Get it? I love puns.

136. Glasses, glasses. Oh, God. Glasses.

137. - Owen? - I'm here, Elwood. Go ahead.

138. Bitsy Brandenham's dog,

139. Shampagne the shih tzi-doodle, is lost in the park.

140. She's gonna have a press conference about it in one hour at the Brandenham Hotel.

141. - Okay. Thanks for letting me know. - What's a shih tzi-doodle?

142. Elwood, I'll meet you by the flower beds, okay?

143. - I need to cover that. - What? Why?

144. Heiress's dog goes missing?

145. This could be my way into real news.

146. Maybe he was kidnapped. I mean, that would be awful.

147. But also fantastic. But awful. Really bad.

148. But aren't you supposed to go talk to your boss?

149. Or I could walk in there with a great angle on a breaking story

150. and prove to him that I can do hard news.

151. Oh, my God! I found my glasses!

152. I'm becoming my mother, but without all the hidden packs of cigarettes.

153. Okay, bye, bye, bye, bye...

154. So, you're probably thinking, "Who is Bitsy What'sis'sit?"

155. The heiress to a fortune Bitsy's quite the institution

156. She's like the Queen of Hearts In that she loves an execution

157. The Brandenham Hotel Is where she's perched upon her throne

158. And she's billin' as our villain

159. Though that isn't quite yet known

160. Except by you guys. You know now, so...

161. Damn it, Shampagne. Where are you?

162. I miss everything about you.

163. Your nonallergenic fur, your weirdly-hard-to-treat worms.

164. It's like I've lost 1,000 friends.

165. Are you distraught?

166. I'm distraught.

167. I have something that will make you feel better.

168. This cream was made from whale anus.

169. Is it legal?

170. I think it's illegal.

171. I love that because I hate them.

172. Whales, they think they're so big.

173. Yes— Oh, no, no, no... No.

174. You're supposed to eat it, I think.

175. That's nice.

176. Oh, no. No, sorry, it's for your skin.

177. Damn it!

178. Do I look younger?

179. Oh, you could be my daughter.

180. Oh, Shampagne. Where are you?

181. How could this have happened, Helen?

182. I know. It's really, really terrible. I can't stand it.

183. Damn! Damn that stupid dog walker.

184. Well, he seemed competent when I interviewed him.

185. I don't really believe in leashes.

186. It puts me in a power position with the dog that makes me uncomfortable.

187. - You're hired. - Also, I'm a narcoleptic.

188. - Love it. Not a problem. - Oh, great.

189. I wish Shampagne were here.

190. We would be making fun of you so much right now.

191. Yes, you sure would.

192. We'd start with those shoes and just work our way up.

193. And when you bend over, we'd make a fart noise.

194. Yeah. Okay.

195. It's just not the same. It's not the same.

196. People will come, right? Who doesn't like flowers?

197. It's Turtlehead Day! Sorry, you're playing.

198. Oh, no, no, no. I can take a break. I'm taking a break!

199. It's Hot Lips Turtlehead Day. All day. Over at the flower beds.

200. I'm not interested in any way, but thank you!

201. Huh.

202. What's wrong, buddy? You just said "huh" really sadly.

203. It's nothing. It's fine.

204. Oh, come on. You can tell me.

205. I'm a street musician. I'm almost like a priest.

206. - I don't think that's true. - Yeah, no, it is.

207. It's just— I think maybe no one cares about the turtleheads.

208. I mean, I can't even get my own kids excited about them.

209. - Am I the only one who cares? - What?

210. Is my job stupid?

211. Would I be more useful to the world if I worked in a— in a factory?

212. Like a sock factory? Everybody needs socks.

213. Whoa, whoa, mister. That's crazy talk.

214. - People don't need socks anymore. - They don't?

215. Hey, bring it in. Let's have a little pep talk.

216. - No, thanks. - No, don't fight it. We're doing this.

217. Okay, but I might think about other things while you're talking.

218. - No, you won't. You'll be riveted. - Okay.

219. Socks suck. Except as puppets.

220. People don't need socks, but they do need parks.

221. And this park needs you.

222. And you need me to tell you the park needs you and your socks,

223. which I'm just noticing are pulled up so high.

224. That was better than I thought it was gonna be.

225. - Was it? Really? - Yeah.

226. - I feel like I didn't get there. - No, you did. I'm gonna go.

227. Was it too much sock stuff?

228. No, it was perfect.

229. Oh, great. All right. I'll just go back to playing.

230. Yeah, break's over now! I'm gonna play again!

231. Folks today don't see my way

232. Though the flora is sure To be a nice array

233. And my children tell me "no"

234. They got their people to see

235. They got a place to go

236. Does it make me sad? Does it hurt old Dad?

237. Or should I go with the flow?

238. Flower beds with turtleheads

239. Got me spinnin' and a-grinnin' When the bloomin' spreads

240. Hey! Another turtle geek

241. No, wait, that's just a fella Trying to take a leak

242. Guess it's only me That's a devotee

243. But am I enough?

244. What if I own it?

245. Wanna be like, wanna be like Someone who can own it

246. Wanna get to, wanna get to A point where I can dance like a dad

247. With my shirt tucked in

248. Like it doesn't look bad When the cramps set in

249. I'm gonna own it

250. And my name is Yeah, my name is Owen

251. And I own it

252. And I like my, and I like my flowers When they bloom in the moon

253. Like the fruit of the loom

254. You can say I'm alone

255. But I celebrate my turtleheads And own it

256. Guess my boss assumes I'm soft

257. So, I'll go to this and show him I can write my ass off

258. If only he'd assign real news

259. Instead of fluffy fluff And beauty stuff and style reviews

260. That's a minor glitch 'Cause I've got the itch

261. And a lot to prove

262. I'm gonna own it

263. Gonna kick in, gonna kick the door in Like I own it

264. Gonna bust in, gonna bust in headfirst Like a badass boss lady mom of two

265. Like a one-chick Bernstein And Woodward too

266. I'm gonna own it

267. Gonna get in, gonna get in Hone it and then own it

268. Gonna put my, gonna put my foot down

269. Like my pits and my bits Aren't schvitzing now

270. And holy cow

271. 'Cause I'm finally Gonna show 'em how I own it

272. I'm offering a reward of $50,000 to whomever finds Shampagne.

273. In fact, you know what? Make it 60,000.

274. Wait, no, 55— 55,000.

275. Print that, you news monkeys.

276. Or post it, or like it, or whatever.

277. The dog was last seen in Central Park.

278. Let me out here.

279. Is it weird to hide in the shadows?

280. Is it weird to follow so close?

281. Is it so weird I know where he goes?

282. Is it bad I have this affection?

283. Is it bad I can't look away?

284. If I don't tell, would that be okay?

285. - Hey. - Hey.

286. Come on, be bold-faced

287. Be daring

288. Or never own it at all

289. Never own it at all

290. Helen, hold this.

291. I'm gonna own this

292. 'Cause whenever Yeah, whenever Bitsy dies I own this

293. I don't miss you, little shih tzu

294. Now that you are gone I'll be next in the heirloom line

295. And all the furniture you see here Is mine, mine, mine

296. I'm gonna own it

297. And I'm gonna Yeah, I'm gonna be the one to own it

298. Gonna bathe in, gonna bathe in Hundred-dollar bills

299. With a man who looks like Magic Mike

300. While I nibble on the kibble That I know you like

301. Own it, own it, own it

302. I can also sing

303. A new best friend for Cole

304. I'll be bold-faced and daring

305. I will be the one in control So my dreams come true

306. So I get what I want

307. And my little dog too

308. I'm still here

309. Raise awareness for turtleheads

310. I'll be free to openly stare

311. Be a billionaire

312. It's totally healthy how much I care

313. Now I gotta Now I gotta own it

314. They're coming. People are coming.

315. - Oh, no. - Kinda stompy.

316. No, no, no!

317. Good boy, Shampagne.

318. So Cole had the dog all along?

319. That's crazy! No, I knew.

320. No. Stop it. Stop that.

321. Here, doggy. Here, money, money, money.

322. - Get out of there. - Here, cold, hard cash.

323. They're not gonna stop. We gotta find that dog.

324. Actually, you stay here.

325. - Someone needs to protect the flowers. - Oh, no.

326. - And that someone, Elwood, is you. - No, no, no.

327. - You're the only one who can do it. - No, no, no...

328. - I'm scared. I can't do it. - Protect the flowers, Elwood.

329. - No, I can't do it. Oh, God. - Okay, great.

330. - You stay here, stay strong, Elwood. - Don't leave me!

331. - Hi, babe. - Owen, get this.

332. Bitsy offered a $55,000 reward. Can you believe it?

333. - People are gonna go nuts. - Yep.

334. - What's that sound? - The people, going nuts. It's a madhouse.

335. That's amazing! I gotta get over there.

336. I mean, I'm sorry, sweetie.

337. Don't let anyone find the dog till I get there.

338. Yeah. Yeah, of course.

339. Sir! Do not put peanut butter on a statue!

340. That is not a good way to catch a dog.

341. You people stop messing up my park!

342. - Here, Shampagne. - Reward. Reward, where are you?

343. They're closing in. Okay, okay.

344. We could go to the pump house behind the boathouse.

345. Or maybe the old skate shack by the ice rink?

346. You have to be really quiet, Shampagne.

347. Here. Chew on your friend, Flippy.

348. Look at me. This is real talk.

349. In this crazy, crazy mixed-up world, I found you.

350. And no one's gonna separate us. You hear me?

351. Okay, now you say something.

352. I understand completely.

353. You want another sausage? Yeah, you do.

354. Okay, let's move.

355. - Cole? - Nothing!

356. - Why were you in the shed? - I thought—

357. See, what had happened was, it was rain—

358. I thought it was raining.

359. - Oh, wow, it cleared up so fast. - I'm looking for the lost dog.

360. Why don't you come with me? You can be another pair of eyes.

361. - I think I'm allergic to dogs. - No, you're not.

362. Well, I'm allergic to your shenanigans, mister, so knock it off.

363. - What? - Oh, gosh. I'm beat.

364. - Are you beat? Should we go home? - Come on. Let's go.

365. Damn.

366. Blar. Destroy.

367. Evil robot from the future.

368. You can't stop us, Fista Puffs,

369. puny girl hero who's never even kissed anyone.

370. Okay. That doesn't seem relevant.

371. It's pretty relevant.

372. - What do we do? - I'll go for his legs with my hair.

373. You go for his head with your kite.

374. A kite. What are you trying to do? Delight me to death?

375. - Are you drawing me? - I— No.

376. Really? "Kite Boy"?

377. Oh, look at that. You have a— You have a kite too.

378. That's a— What a crazy coincidence.

379. Well, I like your drawing style.

380. I...

381. My name is Brendan.

382. Mol— Sorry. Molly.

383. - You okay? - Yep, yep, yep...

384. - Okay. I have to go. - Okay.

385. I'll probably see you around

386. since I saw you here last week behind this same rock.

387. That was someone who looks like me.

388. I mean, unless you're cool with it, and then it was me.

389. Yep, you're gone, so...

390. Bye!

391. Well, we looked everywhere. That dog is clearly dead.

392. You said that, like, 25 times.

393. That doesn't make it less true.

394. Wait, did you hear that?

395. What's that? What are you doing?

396. Dog call to try to get the dog to come.

397. Well, that worked, huh?

398. Is this the dog? This is the dog.

399. Why do you have the dog? How long have you had him?

400. - What time is it? - Around 4:00.

401. - Since yesterday. - What?

402. We need to get this dog returned as quickly as possible

403. so people stop tearing up my park.

404. Wait, Dad. Can we sidebar?

405. I have a totally unrelated question.

406. You know how you've always said we should get a dog?

407. I've never said that in my life, Cole.

408. He was covered in perfume when I found him.

409. I was like, "Who puts perfume on a dog? That's messed up."

410. Doesn't matter, Cole.

411. Bitsy is a rich old lady, and this is her little rich dog.

412. But I love him, Dad.

413. I know it looks like dognapping behavior

414. But trust me, Dad I'm this furry guy's savior

415. Trapped up in the tower With only Bitsy to nuzzle

416. Shampagne is like a way better Rapunzel

417. And it's not like I took him If anything, he took me

418. He took my breath away When he was taking a pee

419. Putting aside This is probably against the law

420. That's just a tiny flaw

421. Son, you can't have a dog

422. Let me keep this dog And I will never not walk him

423. I know that's a double negative But I'm smart

424. And I'll take him to the veterinarian When he's ill

425. I'll get some peanut butter To help him swallow his pill

426. Right now, he's a lapdog In the lap of luxury

427. But he shouldn't be cooped up He should be out there running free

428. Look at his eyes Can't you see that he's sad, man?

429. I'll clean up his poops You can call me Mr. Bag Hands

430. "Mr. Bag Hands"?

431. - When he poops, I'll pick it up - You'll pick it up?

432. I'll pick it up When he poops, I'll pick it up

433. - No, you won't. - I will, I love that dog

434. Son, we gotta think about the consequence

435. What if we are sent to doggy jail For this?

436. Can't keep this dog

437. Papa, I believe this puppy's heaven-sent

438. I promise to pick up his every excrement

439. - I love you, Dad. - I love you too, son.

440. We're not keeping the dog.

441. Hey! There's my boys.

442. Oh, it's your mom.

443. So, in conclusion, my son kidnapped the dog.

444. There's my article.

445. Rescued. Does anyone maybe think "rescued" works better in this situation?

446. - I can't write any of this. - We're gonna say we found it.

447. And we're gonna return the dog without mentioning when we found it.

448. And we're gonna be lying liars. And you are in huge trouble.

449. I don't love the last part.

450. Oh, my God. You're adorable.

451. I get it. I totally get it. Let's keep him.

452. No, I'm kidding. I'm absolutely kidding.

453. We can't keep him. You guys should return him.

454. Oh, Shampagne! Look at you. Someone needs a blowout.

455. I suppose you'll be wanting the reward.

456. Oh, no. I'm the park manager. I'm just doing my job.

457. I don't want any money.

458. - Park manager? - What?

459. Let's both be strong, okay?

460. And don't you start crying, or I'll start crying.

461. Okay. Okay. Sheesh. Clingy, huh?

462. You smell weird.

463. He smells weird. What did you do to him?

464. Rinsed him off with a hose.

465. Maybe don't do that.

466. Dogs don't really like that.

467. Oh, wait. Shampagne found this flip-flop.

468. We played tug-of-war with it for hours.

469. I mean, a couple of minutes.

470. But now he loves it.

471. Oh, yuck.

472. He's not himself. He missed his massage this week.

473. I think we should go.

474. Where is the button? Why is there no button?

475. It's right there.

476. - That's ridiculous! - Oh, is it, Mr. Park Manager?

477. Are you an elevator button expert too? A double threat?

478. No howling! No howling!

479. Good luck managing the park. That's gonna go great for you.

480. Wait. What's that supposed to mean? Now it closes.

481. Just tell the press you have the dog, so people stop tearing the place up.

482. Whatever. Nerd.

483. God, it's a massacre.

484. I hope they didn't suffer. That one looks like it suffered.

485. Why'd you have to hide the dog, Cole?

486. None of this would've happened if you just told us you found the dog.

487. Yes, I know my voice sounds weird right now,

488. but it's 'cause I'm angry.

489. And I'm not used to being angry!

490. And now I can't stop going higher.

491. My heart is broken Now that we've returned that pup

492. My hopes have dropped like poop That cannot be picked up

493. Hey, son, I hear you

494. And I know you're feeling crushed

495. Just like my turtleheads Your dreams were turned to dust

496. Sorry, Dad. I just—

497. I loved him.

498. I know. I know you did.

499. I'm sorry about the dog, Cole. He was so cute.

500. I mean, he still is. You just don't have him.

501. Sorry. Will cookies help?

502. No! What kind?

503. They might be gone.

504. Hi. Hi, Dad.

505. Hey, Molly. How'd it go with drawing/watching the boy?

506. Pretty good. Pretty good. I love him.

507. What? I didn't say that. Anyway...

508. I'm sorry I didn't go to the flower thing. We should've been there, Dad.

509. It's okay, Molly. It's not that bad. They're just all dead.

510. Right. Well, not all of them.

511. Oh, honey. Thank you.

512. That pot's too small, but it's a really nice gesture.

513. Oh, Paige. I almost forgot.

514. Did you meet with your editor? How'd that go?

515. Well, I'll tell you.

516. As I was walking back to the office, I had a new idea for a story.

517. And I wrote it up, and I gave it to my editor.

518. And he printed it!

519. - Whoa! Hon, that's great! - Nice, Mom.

520. Well, it's online, not printed, but take a look.

521. "Hot Lips Turtlehead Garden Destroyed by Reward-Seekers."

522. Paige, did you write about the flowers?

523. - Am I gonna be sad? - Keep reading.

524. "Each fall, the beloved hot lips turtleheads of Central Park

525. fight the cold weather and bloom defiantly,

526. but this year, they faced a much tougher battle."

527. This is really sweet.

528. I am gonna cry. In a good way.

529. - You'll get 'em next year. - Oh, it's gonna be huge next year.

530. Yeah, so huge.

531. Should we buy tickets now?

532. Get in here.

533. Dad, you have a turtlehead sticker on your butt.

534. - I put it there. - I like it.

535. That's really nice. But you need to know something.

536. I hate to be a bad news bear, but here's some bad news.

537. Bear with me.

538. Things are about to get grizzly... man. Sorry.

539. I hate that park, Shampagne.

540. It's just a patch of dirt and weeds.

541. And we're gonna buy it.

542. Oh, yes, we are, my little baby.

543. We're gonna do the biggest real estate deal

544. in the history of the world.

545. Central Park with a Gap and Dunkin' Donuts

546. Central Park Get your wallets out and go nuts

547. Formerly a playground For the city's filth and grime

548. Now, we'll put a condo there And a condo there

549. And a TGI Fridays there

550. I'll poison this spot

551. And I will not get caught

552. And then like it or not

553. They will sell me the lot

554. It's central

555. To my plot

556. He has a home We have to give him back

557. I'll take good care of him

558. We've been discussing that We can't keep him

559. That's not part of the plan

560. We have to keep him He makes me wanna be a better man

561. Please, Dad

562. - When he poops I'll pick it up - No.

563. I'll pick it up When he poops I'll pick it up

564. Not that it matters, but no, you won't.

565. - I love that dog - Son, we gotta think about the consequence

566. What if we are sent to doggy jail For this?

567. Can't keep this dog

568. Papa, I believe this puppy's heaven-sent

569. I promise to pick up his every excrement

570. All right, so it's settled. We're keeping him.

571. No, it seems like he's gonna be really great to have around.

572. - No. - He's my best friend.

573. - Doesn't matter. - I love you, Dad.

574. I love you too, son. We're not keeping the dog.