Centaurworld 1x7

Directed by Jeremy Polgar

Fred Armisen as Splendib / Bimbam (voice) • Allie Feder as Background Singer (voice) • Fletcher Sheridan as Background Singer (voice) • Randy Crenshaw as Background Singer (voice) • Baraka May as Background Singer (voice)

Zulius brings the herd to Cataur Valley, where the shaman is fuzzy but fierce. To earn a piece of the key, Horse goes glam for a silly competition.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - Mmm.

2. - Do you want the other one? - A-diddly no!

3. I told you they were going to be extra.

4. They hate shoes. Why are you staring at me like that?

5. I can feel you judging me from all the way over here.

6. Whoa, whoa. It's okay.

7. We're just— We're not judging. We just— Are those hair rollers?

8. Anyway, this is Cataur Valley.

9. Oh!

10. I know the Shaman here. Real piece of work.

11. We'd be better off stealing the key piece and getting out of here.

12. Mmm, go on.

13. No. We just got out of prison, so no one's stealing anything.

14. No one.

15. You're hurting me.

16. It seems like Zulius has some history here.

17. But I guess it's good he knows the Shaman.

18. Right, Durpleton?

19. - Never mind. You're not listening to me. - Wha— What?

20. Doesn't matter. No one ever listens to me…

21. My TV antenna was all bent.

22. Which reminds me, you know what I hate about car phones?

23. - Huh? - Mmm.

24. - Eh?

25. - Yeah… Oh… Okay. Uh…

26. - Peace out for now. I don't like cats.

27. Yeah, we got to move this thing along. Zulius, where do we find the Shaman?

28. Didn't you hear what they said back there? Every day at half past two—

29. - Yeah, yeah, yeah! Scram, cats!

30. Get out of here!

31. You have all the glitter in the world, but you have no souls.

32. - Okay, calm down.

33. So you're wearing robes now, or…

34. "So, you're wearing robes now?" Yes, it's a robe! And it's comfortable.

35. Where is the Shaman?

36. You mean Johnny Teatime?

37. Of Johnny Teatime's Be Best Competition fame?

38. Every day, they have a competition, and Johnny Teatime, the Shaman,

39. picks a winner, whether or not the winner actually deserves it,

40. no matter how hard you worked.

41. But then the winner gets to take home the sash.

42. A sash is a diagonal belt on its way to a party.

43. And they do this every day?

44. - Why, yes.

45. We do this every day.

46. Bravo!

47. Hey, guys! I found a poster.

48. It says they do this every day.

49. Durpleton, yes.

50. They just sang a whole song about it. You were there!

51. Is it me, or has he gradually been having a mental breakdown here?

52. Wait. Hold on.

53. My key piece!

54. Well, isn't that Cataur kismet?

55. Oh, my ticket home cannot possibly be part of

56. a stupid, frivolous, laser light show beauty pageant thingy!

57. So frivolous, yes. I mean, who would even…

58. Look, Horse! It's your key piece!

59. Zulius, where is the Shaman? I don't have any time for this nonsense.

60. So, hi.

61. The Shaman is actually at the top

62. of that tacky ziggurat.

63. But Johnny Teatime is not gonna give the sash away.

64. You got to win it to own it.

65. What the heck just happened?

66. Every molecule in my body is on fire right now.

67. Here's the dish.

68. Horse doesn't know I have this magical ability

69. to stop time and deliver you, hi, personal gossip.

70. Oh, the side effects?

71. It sometimes causes the surrounding bodies to feel like they're burning.

72. I call it Hot Goss.

73. It's a work in progress. I might change the name.

74. Stop doing that! It hurts so bad.

75. Where is the Shaman? - Okay, okay, okay! I was gonna tell.

76. I can be helpful sometimes because I want to be three-dimensional.

77. Sash is up there.

78. But Johnny's not gonna let you— Horse! Hey!

79. I warned ya!

80. This is an unnecessary amount of steps.

81. Whoa.

82. My key piece!

83. Oh yeah.

84. - Huh?

85. Oh, hello.

86. Wow.

87. Oh my gosh.

88. - You're adorable. - Ah!

89. Ah, I get why Zulius doesn't like you. He's jealous.

90. Isn't he?

91. - Oh! You cute little thing.

92. Yes, he is. Yes, he is.

93. Anyway, I need to get that key piece,

94. and I am not participating in your silly-willy competition,

95. so I'm just gonna take this from you, okay?

96. But you were cute!

97. Don't you dare think that was flying, because it definitely wasn't, Horse.

98. Non-flier.

99. Cuteness as a weapon?

100. Oh no, he didn't.

101. Now, Horse, you sure that's a good idea?

102. Okay. Now, look here!

103. - Uh, can't get the sash that way, Horse. - I know!

104. Does this mean that someone has

105. to win the sash?

106. I mean, I'm totally unprepared, but if someone—

107. Greetings, riffraff.

108. Thank you.

109. Thank you. Yes, it's your one and only reigning champ, Splendib.

110. Splendib!

111. Holy cannoli!

112. Hold for applause.

113. Boo! Boo!

114. No one's impressed.

115. Well, well, well. Look what the cats dragged…

116. the… the cats dragged here.

117. Kale. Shar. Splendib.

118. Zulius.

119. - Kale. - Shar.

120. - Durpleton!

121. What is this?

122. What's the beef here? How do you know each other?

123. Okay.

124. Dang, Splendib. Huh.

125. This guy's acting like he knows you.

126. For you guys. No?

127. Did he say old?

128. You know what? I really think they do know each other.

129. I'm disqualified because of my age?

130. Okay. What's the age limit?

131. Whatever age all of this is. It's for the best.

132. We don't want what happened last time to happen again, do we?

133. Oh, you mean how you stole my Glitter Cats?

134. - Hi, Kale. Shar. Zulius.

135. Durpleton?

136. Yes, they only follow winners.

137. Kale! Shar!

138. Durpleton!

139. So, if Zulius is too old—

140. Zulius is too what?

141. If Zulius is disqualified,

142. then one of you, uh—

143. Okay. I'll do it.

144. What?

145. I don't like it, but I have to do whatever it takes to get back home to Rider.

146. Come. We have much work to do.

147. So, Splendib, like, basically sabotaged my stadium tour.

148. He stole the Glitter Cats right out from under me!

149. I made Kale and Shar!

150. And this is how they repay me? You know what? One of them had mange.

151. Oh, I won't tell you who. Kale.

152. Zulius, okay, you gotta put that behind you

153. and tell me how to win this thing.

154. Yes. You have to win this thing!

155. I know! It's how I'm gonna get my piece of the key.

156. Yes, girl!

157. I need to get back at Splendib. You need to get back at Rider.

158. No, no, no! I need to get back to Rider.

159. Oh.

160. So, you guys are, like, friends. So, what's with the revenge body, then?

161. Hey, losers, listen up.

162. - It's Splendib. He's better than you. Thank you, my Glitter Cats.

163. It's time to take the stage for the first round of challenges.

164. Just tell me what I have to do, please.

165. Aw, it's cute you think you're relevant.

166. Hey, everybody! Welcome to Johnny Teatime's Be Best Competition.

167. Welcome to our competitors.

168. Zork Presto. Madame Jelly. Bimbam.

169. - Kale. Shar. Splendib.

170. And, uh… Who's she?

171. - Some horse, I think?

172. I don't know her.

173. Mmm, I don't know about our Horse. I got a case of the heebie-jeebies.

174. Horse is more likely to evaporate into thin air than win.

175. Can we make Horse evaporate? 'Cause that would be awesome.

176. Listen up, everyone!

177. Horse will win if we cheer loud enough!

178. Oh, I got a cheer!

179. Two, four, six, nine,

180. Horse's bones form a fine spine!

181. Go, Horse!

182. - You're doin' it! - Yeah, Horse!

183. What is this? What am I supposed to be doing now?

184. The competition can't start until you get down the rope. Just slide down.

185. Like… Like this?

186. We do this every day, yet I'm required to spill the drill.

187. Our competitors will compete in a set of intense challenges for points.

188. The winner will go up against me.

189. - Splendib. - Sash here. For this little baby.

190. Baby.

191. All right. First up, Best DIY Cat Lick Hairdo.

192. Wait. What?

193. [licking, chuckling] Meow.

194. Oh yeah.

195. Litter Box Obstacle Course. - Huh?

196. Ooh.

197. Ugh! So much poo!

198. What is that?

199. What— Stop it! Ugh!

200. Ignore The Laser Pointer. Can you?

201. Yes. Yeah, I can. I don't understand any of this.

202. - Intermission. Hi, Splendib. - Hello, my Glitter Cats.

203. Anyway, as those crazy contestants prep for the talent portion,

204. let's check in with our judge, Johnny Teatime. What ya thinkin'?

205. Agreed. Yes. Johnny declares it's like watching pathetic tiny babies

206. learning how to crawl.

207. His words, not mine.

208. Hmm. Mmm.

209. - You are real bad at this. - Do you always talk at the same time?

210. Yes.

211. - Yes. - Scram your behinds towards the moonlight!

212. So, let me put this gently, you're the worst out there

213. and gravely in danger of losing everything you've loved.

214. This is bogus!

215. I'm not a prancing Cataur, Zulius! I'm a warrior!

216. And now, the moment you've all been waiting for.

217. The winner of this wins it all.

218. The Be Best Showstopper Challenge!

219. - You heard him. You gotta be best. - Be the best what? Ow!

220. No, not the. Just be best.

221. Be best version of you.

222. I don't know who that is anymore. Look at me!

223. Ow, stop doing that!

224. No! You look at me. You've got to step it up.

225. You've got no style, no poise, no Glitter Cats.

226. And, as I feel my backstory has clearly established,

227. that is problematic!

228. - Excuse me, is this a pep talk?

229. That backup-dancer-stealing tigress is not gonna be best me again!

230. You need to just get out there and fake it till you make it!

231. Also, put on these heels.

232. You can kinda pull off anything and I'm extremely jealous. Love you.

233. Oh no.

234. How do people walk in these?

235. - Show time! Go!

236. Wow, Madame Jelly.

237. Way to show us the "be adequate" poster. Right?

238. - Looks like we saved our worst for last. - I can do this.

239. Boo!

240. Let's win this sash.

241. - Oh!

242. Okay. Which one of you catty jerks tripped me?

243. - It was the Glitter Cats, wasn't it? - Nope. Wasn't us.

244. Oh yeah.

245. - I see it in your dumb guilty faces. - Don't know what you're talking about.

246. - Know what, Glitter Cats? You're right. - We know.

247. - I'm not cut out for this.

248. - Plot twist! - This is not working.

249. I'm sorry, Zulius. But as you would say, I just can't even right now.

250. I did it! I did it!

251. - In your face! - No, your face!

252. And your body. Everything! Oh, you are going to hate this.

253. - Hate what? - Check it out. It looks like an accident.

254. - Oh no! What is this? - Let it out. There's nothing you can do.

255. So wide!

256. So wibbly-wobbly.

257. So Centaurworld!

258. No! It finally happened. Oh, I've fully turned!

259. - Stop! Don't cheer for this!

260. This is very not good!

261. - This is not a cheer-able thing! - Horse! Bringer of juice!

262. But I didn't bring any juice.

263. Ah, okay, folks. Everyone settle down.

264. Remember, it's Johnny Teatime's decision, and… Okay, I'm getting something.

265. I… I guess, uh, she…

266. - Well…

267. Do it. Give it to her.

268. She won! Give her the sash!

269. Ugh. Fine.

270. - Is it though? - You know what? Just shut up.

271. It turns out those lentils were not meant to be eaten raw.

272. Comfortable Doug? - Durpleton?

273. Wow, well, guess what? It looks like we have a late entry.

274. What are you doing?

275. What's that, Johnny? You've never seen anyone be this best?

276. I have arrived.

277. A-meowity meow, a-hissity hiss We've never seen glamour as gassy as this!

278. - This glamour is unprecedented.

279. The winner is obviously this gassy Moletaur.

280. - Sorry.

281. How does that beat this?

282. Don't get comfortable, Doug. I'll just win it back tomorrow.

283. A-diddly no!

284. - Boo!

285. Yes! Yes!

286. I'm goin' clear! Do my bidding, my disciple!

287. You go, girl.

288. I don't know what to say. I'm honored.

289. No. Go now.

290. - Shaman in a cup! Go! Go, go, go!

291. You are officially the complete opposite of cute!

292. Fine, Horse,

293. take my piece of the key.

294. But where you are headed, The Nowhere King will be.

295. Who is The Nowhere King? Why do I keep hearing that name?

296. - Whoo!

297. Uh… Uh? Hmm.