1. Do you think dogs
have names for us?
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2. Whooooa.
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3. Is that what they're saying? Our names?
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4. Our real names?
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5. - No, I'm good.
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6. Thanks.
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7. …the ten-year-old believed to possess
the last Hershey bar on Earth.
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8. I'm moving in with Mom.
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9. Huh?
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10. Wait.
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11. Your mom?
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12. Steven, you know where your mom is?
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13. - Steven, you know where she is?
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14. Steven!
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15. Steven!
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16. What day is it?
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17. Wait, I…
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18. I… I don't understand.
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19. - Your mother okayed this?
- It was her idea.
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20. Wait, so… she's coming here?
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21. No, I'm going to her.
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22. How?
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23. I don't know. The bus?
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24. The bus?
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25. I'm not letting you go
all the way to…
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26. Where the heck is she, anyway?
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27. Canada.
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28. Canada?
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29. She's in Canada?
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30. What's in Canada?
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31. Is it a man?
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32. No, forget it. Don't tell me.
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33. I'm not letting you go
to Canada alone on a bus.
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34. - You're still a kid.
- It's not that hard.
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35. I thought you liked it here.
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36. What is there to like?
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37. I don't know.
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38. Your house, your dad, your room? Uh…
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39. What about that kid
who stayed over once? Uh…
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40. The one with all the allergies?
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41. Your whole world is here!
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42. And now my world will be in Canada.
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43. If that's what you really want,
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44. I'm not gonna stop you, but I'm driving.
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45. And I don't want to hear another word.
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46. Fine.
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47. I can't believe it.
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48. You sure you want to do this?
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49. All right.
I'll go make us some sandwiches.
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50. …citing weather as the cause.
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51. …further delays in the rescue of…
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52. …still stranded at sea.
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53. That captain
seemed like such a nice man.
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54. I don't understand it.
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55. Must have been something he had to do.
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56. Ah-ha!
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57. What is it?
- A Danish.
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58. Ugh. I hate Danishes.
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59. Well, you have to eat something,
and everything else is spoiled.
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60. They're too sweet.
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61. Michael, will you please
talk some sense into this man?
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62. Come on, we'll split it.
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63. The nerve of that chef to run off
after we've already been abandoned by—
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64. Oh my God! Look!
- It's the Coast Guard! We're saved!
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65. I don't think
that's the Coast Guard.
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66. Let's go!
- Round them all up!
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67. The cruise has made them
slow and complacent.
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68. Holy shit, a water slide!
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69. Uh, Steven?
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70. I really want you to think
about what you're doing here, okay?
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71. 'Cause this is a big move, buster.
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72. The moment we get into that car
and pull out, there's no going back.
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73. All right, so… so think about
the bonds that you've built here.
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74. - In our home.
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75. 'Cause once you leave here,
they'll be broken forever.
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76. And look, I know
how it feels to be confused.
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77. I was a kid once too.
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78. Dad. You're taking forever.
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79. - Oh, I thought you—
- Are you coming or not?
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80. Yeah. Sorry.
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81. All right. So where are we going?
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82. Niagara Falls.
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83. Niagara Falls?
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84. - Oh, um, I thought we could…
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85. Okay.
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86. Okay.
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87. Well, Niagara Falls, here we come.
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88. Steven?
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89. When you see your mother,
I want you to give her this, okay?
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90. Please?
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91. - You see that?
- What?
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92. The nuns!
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93. They were right there.
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94. Hey.
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95. Steven, Steven, Steven.
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96. Steven!
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97. Talk to me.
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98. - What?
- Talk to me.
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99. About what?
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100. I don't know, anything. Just talk to me.
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101. You want to talk girls?
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102. Hey, hey, hey, hey!
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103. Talk to me. Aren't you bored?
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104. No.
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105. Okay, well…
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106. - Uh, what are you listening to?
- Music.
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107. - Yeah. But, like, what type?
- You wouldn't like it.
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108. - Oh, try me.
- Ugh!
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109. Yeah, I don't like that.
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110. How about we just talk?
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111. Now he wants to talk.
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112. Look, this is hard for me too.
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113. All this is a lot.
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114. None of this was supposed to happen.
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115. And being a dad on top of that?
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116. It's a guessing game.
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117. Steven!
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118. - Steven!
- What?
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119. - Did you hear any of that?
- Of what?
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120. Of what I just said?
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121. No. What did you just say?
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122. I was talking about how, you know,
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123. life gets tough.
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124. And I'm your dad and stuff.
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125. It… It sounded better the first time.
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126. You know, I almost named you Henry.
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127. What?
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128. I always wanted to be a Henry.
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129. I feel like it would've
made things easier.
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130. For the both of us.
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131. Not that your mother isn't wonderful,
but she left us.
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132. Ran off like a thief in the night.
You expect her not to do it again?
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133. She's not going to.
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134. You don't know that.
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135. She's happy now.
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136. She is?
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137. Yeah. Lost, like, ten pounds,
and has a dog named Murphy Brown,
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138. and makes large metal sculptures
in the woods.
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139. She makes sculptures?
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140. Of what?
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141. I don't know. They're abstract.
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142. With the squiggles?
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143. Squiggles…
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144. Well, good for her.
She's always been the creative type.
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145. Could have made squiggles at home, but…
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146. I'm happy for her.
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147. I would never leave you.
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148. I want you to know that. Never.
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149. I thought you would never
leave the couch either.
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150. Hey, that's not fair.
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151. Dad, this is the first time in weeks
I've seen you in pants.
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152. What does that have to do with anything?
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153. My pants are not the issue here.
Your mother is the issue.
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154. - Wha… What are you looking for?
- The sandwiches.
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155. Oh, I didn't…
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156. We didn't have bread.
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157. We'll stop and pick something up.
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158. What do you have there?
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159. Some chips, soda… Trail mix?
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160. Put that back.
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161. Dried banana chips and nuts?
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162. Let me tell you something.
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163. These are trash. Okay?
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164. Impulse snacks.
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165. Plus the blend is all wrong. Nope.
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166. In this family, we make our own mix.
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167. Dad, I'm not eating out of a garbage bag.
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168. Trust me. It's clean.
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169. There is a science to a good mix
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170. and it has none of that crap.
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171. A good mix starts with a good base.
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172. I always go for the Chicago style blend.
Caramel and cheddar popcorn.
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173. Has a little of everything,
the sweet and the savory.
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174. Popcorn is a great base,
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175. but it's the type of snack that wants
you to shove handfuls into your mouth,
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176. so what you need now
is something to slow you down.
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177. Speed bumps, something with a crunch.
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178. Corn nuts, Combos, wafers.
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179. That feels like a lot of stuff.
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180. Oh, my boy.
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181. We are not even close to being done here.
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182. Now that we have our crunch,
we need something chewy,
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183. like gummy bears
or anything in the gummy family.
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184. Fish, worms, sour, et cetera.
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185. Okay.
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186. So now you have your chew, crunch,
and that slow mouth dissolve.
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187. Amateurs would stop right here.
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188. Most people would have stopped
at the garbage bag.
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189. Steven…
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190. I'm trying to teach you
the difference between a good mix
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191. and a great one.
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192. Dad, it really just looks like
you're throwing food out.
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193. What do you think
I've been doing on the couch?
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194. - Crying?
- Not just crying.
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195. - Moaning?
- Okay, yeah.
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196. But I've also been perfecting this.
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197. Trust me.
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198. We have the sweet, sour, and salty,
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199. but we are forgetting
two important flavor profiles.
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200. The bitter and the umami.
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201. I like to go with dark cocoa
for my bitter,
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202. and for umami, Doritos are my go-to.
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203. Smash those up for me, son.
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204. Come on, don't be shy.
The finer, the better.
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205. And now we shake it up.
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206. Dad, you look insane.
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207. Trust me. This is the only way
to properly disperse the flavors.
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208. Okay.
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209. Now we give it a taste.
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210. - This is actually pretty good.
- See?
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211. When it comes to flavors,
nothing is ever too salty or too sweet.
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212. It's just missing its opposite component.
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213. And we won't get sick?
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214. Oh, we will.
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215. But you're young
and that's not the point of the mix.
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216. Flavor first, then we deal with
the other stuff later.
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217. - You know what would be good with this?
- What?
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218. Slushies.
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219. Now you're thinking.
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220. Oh, God! We're doomed.
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221. Even if you got a ransom for us,
what good would it be?
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222. Money's been worthless for months.
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223. We are not interested in money.
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224. Then what do you want?
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225. The life of a pirate,
it is a very harsh life.
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226. It is a life of cruelty and pain.
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227. We take from others
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228. what we have been deprived ourselves.
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229. Before the planet,
it was wealth and valuables.
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230. But now…
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231. Now we take what has been
missing from our lives at sea.
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232. Rest, relaxation,
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233. fun in the sun.
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234. Large drinks
with pieces of fruit on the rim.
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235. Some of them blue.
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236. The pirate's life,
it did not provide such things,
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237. so now we take them.
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238. Moments of peace and joy
from lives we never lived.
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239. For a pirate,
these are most precious things.
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240. Good times.
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241. Limbo contests.
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242. Chocolate fountains.
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243. A vacation.
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244. This is why we have seized your ship...
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245. so that we may know tranquility...
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246. before it is too late.
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247. Well, if you let us go,
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248. I'm sure all of us would be fine
with you guys enjoying the cruise, right?
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249. - I don't see why not.
- Totally.
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250. - You guys should totally join us.
- Too crowded.
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251. - Sorry?
- Too many people in the wave pool.
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252. Long lines for the water slide.
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253. - That would not be fun at all.
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254. Get back! Go!
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255. Well, it was worth a shot.
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256. Oh! Isn't it great?
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257. God, I love the open road.
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258. Two lanes that can take us anywhere.
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259. Okay. If you could go anywhere
right now, where would you go?
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260. Um… Niagara Falls?
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261. Oh.
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262. Yeah. Your mother.
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263. That's the allure of the road.
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264. Sometimes you forget
where you're even going.
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265. Niagara Falls.
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266. You know, I have skills
other than making snacks.
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267. Plenty of stuff I can pass down to you.
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268. Like, how to fold a bedsheet,
or iron a pair of slacks,
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269. or how to change a tire,
or fry the perfect egg.
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270. I also know how to tie a Windsor knot
and what not to say at a wedding.
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271. And how to get out of a fight.
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272. Um, let's see.
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273. Uh, I can draw a pretty good duck.
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274. And once I put a whole dresser together
without looking at the instructions.
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275. Anyway, just…
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276. If you ever need to know
any of that stuff, you just call me up.
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277. Okay, Dad.
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278. I snuck vodka out the liquor cabinet!
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279. That's it! Let the wind blow it away.
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280. I've stolen out of your wallet
and forged your signature!
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281. Are you still in love with Mom?
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282. Yeah. She was my first.
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283. I wasn't her first.
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284. In case you were wondering.
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285. I wasn't.
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286. It's all because I told Margaret,
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287. and when Margaret knows anything,
she tells Stephanie.
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288. And Stephanie is friends with Amanda,
and they always go over to Charlotte's,
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289. and two weeks ago,
guess who happened to be there? Lucy!
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290. And Lucy is best friends with Tiffany,
who I don't even know,
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291. but she knows Kate from Hebrew school,
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292. and Kate knows Hillary,
who sees Jennifer every day,
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293. and Jennifer, the big blabbermouth,
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294. and Louise told her
she thought I was nice.
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295. But not nice in the way you want to kiss.
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296. Or go steady with.
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297. It was a whole thing.
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298. - Which one was it you liked again?
- Louise, Dad!
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299. Thanks for driving.
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300. I didn't realize how far it was gonna be.
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301. This is nothing.
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302. And don't worry.
We'll be there before you know it.
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303. Great.
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304. Should we call Carol?
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305. We've already said goodbye, honey.
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306. I miss her.
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307. I miss Elena.
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308. We'll get through this. I promise.
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309. Sorry, your love is…
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310. It's a beautiful thing.
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311. Oh. Well, thank you.
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312. - You guys looking for a fourth or…?
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313. Michael!
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314. Pauline!
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315. Bernard!
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316. We're taking back our ship.
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317. There they are!
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318. Hey! This is our ship! You need to go.
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319. - What did he say?
- Three men fell overboard!
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320. They're trying to pull them back up.
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321. They're drowning!
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322. Harder!
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323. Come on!
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324. Pull!
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325. Again!
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326. I've always wondered what it
would feel like to save someone's life.
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327. Quite exhilarating!
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328. Yes!
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329. Pull!
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330. Take me to the bridge.
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331. Maybe we should go the other way?
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332. It is too fast, and we are too slow.
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333. So what do we do?
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334. - We go up.
- Up?
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335. Up.
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336. We're not gonna make it.
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337. Oh God.
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338. We're not gonna make it.
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339. It's okay.
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340. Even if it's not, we're together.
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341. I love you, my darlings.
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342. I love you both so much.
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343. Thank God!
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344. How's your stomach?
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345. Fine. Yours?
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346. Not gonna lie. We're sleeping
very close to a rest area for a reason.
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347. Dad, that's so gross.
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348. Isn't this way better
than riding the bus alone?
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349. Yeah. Way better.
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350. Anyway, time for bed.
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351. You ready?
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352. Yeah.
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353. Good night.
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354. Good night.
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355. Dear Brooke,
when I started writing this,
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356. I thought about all the things
I could say to win you back.
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357. Like how I got really ripped
and learned to fly a plane.
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358. But none of that is true.
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359. Brooke, you're the smartest, kindest,
and most beautiful woman I've ever known,
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360. and the truth is
I haven't been the same without you.
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361. But, really, that's not
what this letter is about.
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362. Lately I've been thinking about
when you first told me you were pregnant.
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363. I remember feeling so panicked,
I thought I was going to die.
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364. But then we found out it was a boy,
and all that went away.
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365. Right then,
I knew I wasn't only getting a son,
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366. but maybe a new best friend.
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367. So when Steven told me he was leaving,
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368. I of course freaked out and said
a bunch of dumb things like I usually do.
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369. Man, I've never felt so useless.
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370. Saying goodbye to him
is going to torture me forever.
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371. My son is my only joy.
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372. He's my love, my pride, my bud.
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373. He's the only important thing I have,
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374. and I don't know
how I'll live without him.
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375. We're about to get into the car now.
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376. Maybe I'll take a few detours
and try and stretch this thing out,
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377. so don't get mad
if we get there a little late.
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378. But whatever you do,
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379. please make sure you give him
the best final months of his life.
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380. The kid deserves it.
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381. Love, Eric.
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382. Hey. What's up?
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383. Shoot. You weren't supposed to—
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384. I'm sorry.
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385. What? No, it's okay.
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386. Dad, I lied.
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387. I don't know where Mom is.
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388. I just knew you wanted to see her,
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389. and you were so…
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390. So, I…
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391. You're not mad?
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392. Why would I be mad?
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393. This is the happiest day of my life.
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394. I can't believe it!
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395. You're not leaving!
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396. Plus, the way you screwed up,
it's exactly how I would have done it.
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397. I've never been prouder!
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398. Dad, this kinda hurts.
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399. Please,
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400. let me have this.
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401. Okay.
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402. Thanks for taking us home.
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403. Don't know what we'd have done
if you hadn't come along.
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404. Sorry about your cruise.
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405. Good to be back on solid ground.
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406. So, what's next?
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407. A road trip.
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408. Across America.
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409. Now, with the Grand Canyon,
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410. you got a choice
between the North and South Rim.
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411. I recommend the North.
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412. Good luck.
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413. Good luck.
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414. Okay, so where do we go now?
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415. Um…
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416. We can literally go anywhere.
The Grand Canyon, the Alamo…
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417. How about Niagara Falls?
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418. Really?
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419. Let's go to Niagara Falls.
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420. Hell yeah!
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421. Go!
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422. Yes! Yes! Yes! Go!
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