Captain Laserhawk: A Blood Dragon Remix 1x1

Directed by

Renegade officer Dolph Laserhawk and his partner Alex activate their plan to steal an invaluable gadget and leave the oppression of Eden behind forever.

Request examples:

!req Captain Laserhawk: A Blood Dragon Remix 1x1 [02:32]
!req Captain Laserhawk: A Blood Dragon Remix 1x1 [Captain Laserhawk: A Blood Dragon Remix 1x1]
Syntax: !req EPISODE [quote or timestamp] (max. 8 square brackets)

For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req Captain Laserhawk: A Blood Dragon Remix 1x1 [10-11]; !req Captain Laserhawk: A Blood Dragon Remix 1x1 [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
You can also generate a copy command with the quotes. Hover the desired subtitle and enter the amount of lines you want to copy.

Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. Do you wanna be entertained? Don't change the channel.

2. Because in two minutes, I will die before your eyes.

3. I've leaked my location to your overlord, Eden Innovation Technologies,

4. a corporation that rose from a crumbling empire

5. that was once called the United States of America.

6. Crime, poverty, anarchy.

7. Eden made it all disappear by bringing UBI,

8. Universal Basic Income, an idealist stipend for obedience.

9. Yeah. Eden saved you. They brought you stability.

10. You're free now. Mm-hmm.

11. You're free to work, as long as it's for Eden.

12. You're free to eat, as long as it's Eden's food.

13. Free to consume Eden's revisionist bullshit.

14. And if you don't agree…

15. …they will instantaneously turn you into something you're not.

16. A monster. A terrorist to shoot on sight.

17. No arrest. No trial. Just as they're about to murder me.

18. So you bow before Eden,

19. regurgitating their propaganda in exchange for their daily handouts.

20. But deep inside you, you know there is only one way out.

21. You're done being entertained.

22. There is another way.

23. Join us.

24. Join the revolution.

25. The Board of Directors, in association with Eden Burger, presents,

26. live from MegaCity 2,

27. it's The Eden Late Show,

28. with your host, Rayman!

29. Whoo! Yeah!

30. - Whoo! Okay. Thank you. Thank you so much.

31. We got a fantastic show for you tonight with amazing guests.

32. We're gonna have Blue from the Niji 6. Yeah, yeah, give it up.

33. Also with us tonight, before his big steel-cage match on Saturday,

34. champion of the Eden Wrestling Federation,

35. the Eden Nightmare, Cody Rhodes!

36. So stay with us. Stay tuned.

37. We'll be back right af—

38. Fuck off!

39. I don't care how goddamn busy he is. You know who I am?

40. You tell that fucker I'm his boss's boss's boss,

41. and if he's not on the phone in five seconds,

42. he'll be catching mutant rats for dinner in the goddamn Wasteland.

43. Got it?

44. Know what the worst part

45. of living in a fascist, dystopian hellscape is?

46. The shit they put on TV.

47. Come on, Dolph. Would you please stop moaning?

48. In two days, we're out of Eden, spending all our money on margaritas.

49. It would be easier to just rob a bank.

50. Well, I don't do easy, right?

51. And no bank in Eden's got untraceable credits and unlimited funds.

52. No, I tell you, that codec is a getaway ticket from this shithole.

53. No need to be so tense.

54. Oh, right. That one's metal.

55. Okay. Let's do this.

56. I'm just saying, Dolph.

57. Being a rebel outlaw means adapting to circumstance.

58. You should learn to, uh, I don't know,

59. embrace the chaos?

60. Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

61. Do you know who you're talking to?

62. No, you do not interrupt me when I'm s—

63. You know these things give you brain cancer, right?

64. Wait, wait. Well, okay, what do you want? My— my car?

65. My money?

66. Actually,

67. we want you.

68. - What?

69. Fucking pigs. Never not there when you don't need 'em.

70. Dolph Laserhawk!

71. You are in possession of stolen property.

72. Your brain and body belong to Eden Tech Military.

73. Scan complete.

74. - You good? - Yeah.

75. - Wait! End of the road, asshole.

76. - What are you doing?

77. Oh shit!

78. You should get that guy on your three.

79. I don't backseat drive…

80. you don't front-seat shoot.

81. Fire!

82. Oh, let's play! Come on!

83. Oh shit.

84. Barbecued pork. Mwah. Smells like justice.

85. Keep an eye on the road.

86. You are now entering an antigravity road.

87. All manual functions are disconnected.

88. Mmm? Fuck.

89. Can you hack into the system?

90. Mm-mmm. Takes too much time.

91. I guess we're fucked.

92. Oh?

93. Wish me luck.

94. Dolph?

95. Damn. That's my boy.

96. O-Oh…

97. - Uh-oh.

98. Die!

99. Fucking idiot copper.

100. Dolph!

101. Come on, come on, come on, come on.

102. Yes!

103. Dolph! I don't think we're gonna make it.

104. If you've got any good ideas, now is the time!

105. Laserhawk!

106. You know, that was hot.

107. Oh, shut up.

108. That was close.

109. Carnage on the highway in the center of MegaCity 2 this afternoon.

110. A terrorist attack has killed 252 people and injured 367 others.

111. I would like to warn our younger viewers. Some of these scenes are… disturbing.

112. The terrorists, Dolph Laserhawk and Alex Taylor, are still on the run.

113. Our valiant police force is on the case and will bring them to justice.

114. But who is Dolph Laserhawk? Let's find out.

115. The only son of an immigrant thief and a sex worker.

116. Addicted to crack at only nine years old.

117. Saved from certain death by Eden's Military Redemption Program.

118. But all this time, Laserhawk was working in the shadows

119. for Eden's public enemy number one,

120. Marcus Holloway.

121. The Hawk didn't hesitate to bite the hand that saved him.

122. Tonight,

123. dive into a story full of sex, drugs, manipulation, and violence,

124. in…

125. Traitor.

126. This program viewing is mandatory.

127. Every offender will get a 500-credit fine.

128. Fascinating. A must-watch for everybody.

129. Now…

130. I would like to take a moment and address these terrorists myself.

131. Dolph Laserhawk, Alex Taylor, you've destroyed a city.

132. Yes, you've injured innocent citizens of Eden, mothers, fathers, children,

133. and you've killed officers of our precious police force.

134. But let me tell you this.

135. You will never, ever destroy our way of life.

136. Eden will stand fearless and more united than ever.

137. Okay. Stay with us. Must Dance Live coming right up after the break.

138. We've got 500 UBI credits for you to win.

139. Okay. Listen up.

140. I need one Level 2 bot engineer and two handlers.

141. Me! Me! Take me! I've got three kid—

142. Shut the fuck up! I'm the best engineer here.

143. Calm the fuck down!

144. Or else all you're gonna get is a fucking bullet between your eyes.

145. Am I clear?

146. Open up.

147. Oh. Uh… Sorry. Mr. Vice President, sir.

148. May I ask who is this gentleman?

149. He's Mr. None Of Your Fucking Business, got it? Now open the gate.

150. A-All right. Sure.

151. Please get out of the vehicle.

152. I'm sorry, sir, but you know the rules. Visitors are not allowed.

153. - No touching.

154. Behind me, sir!

155. You! Hands where I can s—

156. Very clever move. I guess we go full-on stealth mode now.

157. Here we are, at the heart of Eden's death machine.

158. An abyss full of stuff.

159. Are you sure the codec is in here?

160. Of course, I'm sure. My source is airtight.

161. You know, come to think of it,

162. it's a clever idea from the Board of Directors.

163. You know, to hide the codec in the perfect haystack.

164. Yeah, right.

165. The Board of Directors has never had any good ideas.

166. Y-Yeah, I know where you're coming from, Dolph,

167. but… think about the codec.

168. I mean, unlimited generation of real credits,

169. untraceable by Eden's security?

170. This thing's gonna make us rich.

171. Okay. This is it.

172. TNS scan activated.

173. Welcome, Mr. Vice President.

174. Thank God. I missed your beautiful face.

175. Let's get this over with.

176. It's a video game.

177. I-I know with that casing, it's kind of underwhelming,

178. but this is the real deal.

179. Just plug it into Eden's system, and the credits will flow.

180. More than we'll ever need.

181. Alex…

182. I know.

183. Captain-fucking-Laserhawk.

184. A billion credits' worth of Eden upgrades, and you're here.

185. Stealing video games.

186. One! You're gonna give me that cartridge.

187. And two! You're gonna give yourself up, Captain Laserjoke.

188. I'm gonna have to kill you for that terrible pun.

189. - Hey! You're that guy from TV, right?

190. I'm not "that guy from TV"!

191. I dedicated myself to this army,

192. and they picked you for their ultimate cyber soldier?

193. Fucking identity politics ruin everything!

194. Here we go again.

195. Form the rainbow!

196. Niji 6!

197. Ready to blow his face off, Red.

198. No rockets.

199. Make sure Laserpigeon's cyber parts stay intact,

200. so the boss can reinstall them.

201. You mean reinstall on you.

202. Yes. No! N— That's not the point.

203. I was just asking myself. Can I get the arm?

204. No, you cannot get the arm!

205. Is it too much to ask to focus on the mission?

206. You know, I never really got the whole rainbow thing.

207. Yeah.

208. Me neither.

209. Get ready!

210. Fight!

211. KO!

212. Looking for this?

213. You like that?

214. There you go.

215. Laserjoke!

216. Dolph!

217. You didn't need to fight the whole gummy bear gestapo.

218. I had to know you'd be safe.

219. Otherwise, this is worth nothing.

220. That's sweet of you.

221. But seriously, you didn't need to fight them.

222. - There is no happy ending to this.

223. My source had a price in exchange for giving me the location.

224. The codec… for you.

225. What?

226. You gave me up… for money?

227. It's not nearly that simple.

228. This is bigger than you and me, Dolph.

229. The revolution must happen.

230. None of us are free until Eden falls,

231. and this gives me everything I need to make it.

232. Those plans we made,

233. leaving Eden together, that was just the job, right?

234. You were always gonna turn me in.

235. I do love you, but…

236. the cause is worth any sacrifice.

237. Hell of an apocalypse we're having, right?

238. - Can you please stop that?

239. - I'm trying to focus. - You got a problem, pig face?

240. Guys, look!

241. Here. Let me help you.

242. Hey! Don't you fucking touch—

243. Sorry.

244. I'm Jade.

245. - And this is Pey'j, my uncle. Okay. I'm all right.

246. Oh yeah. The genius over there is—

247. Hey! I'm Cody Rhodes!

248. And I'm supposed to be fighting for the championship tomorrow!

249. And you're Captain Dolph Laserhawk,

250. ex-Eden special op and now public enemy number two.

251. Smile.

252. Or don't.

253. Where are we?

254. I don't know. We just woke up here like you did.

255. I think we were drugged or something.

256. - Huh? Jesus!

257. I can feel the blood of my Brotherhood

258. trying to say something to me.

259. We are here for a reason.

260. Our memories live on past us, embedded in the DNA of our ancestors.

261. That's a fucking frog.

262. Yeah. That's a frog.

263. Yes. I'm a frog, all right?

264. But, uh… First and foremost,

265. I am from the Brotherhood of the Assassins.

266. My name is Bull—

267. - Jesus! That's a strange name.

268. Wait. Wait, look. There's something in there.

269. Oh my God. This is the Supermaxx. Does this mean we are actually in the—

270. I sense that an enemy approaches.

271. Yeah. We kinda get that too.

272. Okay, cool. We got numbers on our side. It's our best shot at escaping this pit.

273. You move on my signal.

274. I am the Warden of Supermaxx,

275. and I've got three things to say to you.

276. Number one.

277. - You're my— - Now!

278. Okay. I'm gonna skip right to number three, I guess.

279. Yeah, you got a bomb in your brain. And you do shit like that, boom.

280. So, back to number one. You're my prisoners.

281. I brought you together because you each possess a unique quality.

282. Number two. To the world outside, you don't exist anymore.

283. Congratulations. You're now my new special team of operatives.

284. If that's what this is, go ahead and execute me.

285. I'd rather be a corpse than work for Eden again.

286. Oh, a shame. I thought you'd be interested in finding that boyfriend of yours.

287. What do you know?

288. Speak. Now

289. Well, if you shoot now, you'll never find out, will you?

290. Don't you worry.

291. You won't be working for Eden.

292. You'll be working for me.

293. Get some rest. Your first mission starts at 0800.