1. No, no!
This is all true. It's a true story.Copy !req
2. Uh, so, uh… I thought the cashier said,
"Three dollars, nighty-night."Copy !req
3. So, uh, I said, "Excuse me?"
And she repeated it.Copy !req
4. And what she actually said
was, "Three dollars ninety-nine."Copy !req
5. - Oh, 99! Yeah.
- Ha-ha, good one!Copy !req
6. Oh!Copy !req
7. "Nighty-night?"
It doesn't even make sense!Copy !req
8. It was the middle of the day,
for crying out loud!Copy !req
9. Please, please, stop it, Captain.
Por favor. You're killing us here!Copy !req
10. It happened maybe… oh, 15 years ago,Copy !req
11. but I still think back on it every day,
and I just laugh so hard.Copy !req
12. Wow. Yeah, that's a…
Yeah, that's a great one.Copy !req
13. Oh, I know. It's my go-to story
when I want a real laugh fiesta.Copy !req
14. Okay. Well, on another note, uh…Copy !req
15. I would like to make an announcement.Copy !req
16. I think it's time for me to, um… tinkle.Copy !req
17. Please excuse me.
I'll be back in ten… ten, 15 minutes.Copy !req
18. Ah-ha-ha-ha!Copy !req
19. - Ugh.
- Mm-mm.Copy !req
20. No. No, we're done.
I can't take another second of this.Copy !req
21. What are you… No!Copy !req
22. Ugh.Copy !req
23. You've made it, Jonathan.
You have finally made it.Copy !req
24. They love you out there. They love you.Copy !req
25. - Oh, uh!Copy !req
26. And he's back.Copy !req
27. There's the man!Copy !req
28. Hey! Capitán!Copy !req
29. Oh-ho! Yes, it's me. I'm back.Copy !req
30. Whoo!Copy !req
31. You know, I was thinking, do you mind
if I tell that 99-cent story again?Copy !req
32. I just can't get over it. It's so fun!Copy !req
33. Yeah.Copy !req
34. Okay. Listen up, people.Copy !req
35. I just wanted to say
that I am so proud to work with a crewCopy !req
36. so dedicated
to making the world a better place.Copy !req
37. So I want everyone
to put your hand on your shoulderCopy !req
38. like this.Copy !req
39. And then go like this.Copy !req
40. Good work. Yeah, so ev… everyone…
everyone say that with me now.Copy !req
41. - Good work. Yeah, good work.
- Good work.Copy !req
42. - Good work.
- Good work.Copy !req
43. - Good work.
- Good work.Copy !req
44. Ah, okay, that's nice.Copy !req
45. Okay, so next up is a chartered cruise
for just a few select passengers.Copy !req
46. We have a group from China
and a group from Congo coming here.Copy !req
47. They have rented the whole ship
for the sole purpose of cultural exchange,Copy !req
48. so that will be a lot of fun.Copy !req
49. And therefore, I believe
this will be a great business opportunityCopy !req
50. that will bring you much profit
and, uh… prosperity in the coming years.Copy !req
51. That was it.Copy !req
52. End of presentation.Copy !req
53. Oh!Copy !req
54. Wh… Wh… Wh… What do you think, eh?Copy !req
55. Did I sound convincing?
Yeah? I nailed that, didn't I?Copy !req
56. Yes, that was… very good.Copy !req
57. Very thorough, with great use
of both graphics and diagramsCopy !req
58. to emphasize your points.Copy !req
59. Good to hear. I can't understand
why someone would say no to this deal.Copy !req
60. No.Copy !req
61. Listen to me, are there going to be
many people at this presentation?Copy !req
62. Ah, yes, I think maybe 15?
More than ten at least.Copy !req
63. - Oh, baby Jesus. Not good.
- Mm?Copy !req
64. You sounded nervous just rehearsing
in front of me, your wife of 25 years.Copy !req
65. How are you going to handle
a bigger audience?Copy !req
66. Uh… Uh… But it is quite normal now. Ah-ah.Copy !req
67. You know what Mark Twain said?Copy !req
68. "There are two types of speakers, those
that get nervous and those who are liars."Copy !req
69. But no one gets
as nervous as you, Goodluck.Copy !req
70. - Oh.
- You can't say grace at the dinner tableCopy !req
71. with just me and the kids
without stuttering and blushing.Copy !req
72. Oh.Copy !req
73. I know. I'm my own worst enemy.Copy !req
74. You are even bringing RCA to SCART?Copy !req
75. Ah. You should really ask them
what kind of setup they have on board.Copy !req
76. Mm-mm. I'm not going to ask them.
It's not professional.Copy !req
77. You are nothing without your PowerPoint.Copy !req
78. If it does not work,
you are doomed to fail.Copy !req
79. Just call them up.
It takes you 20 seconds.Copy !req
80. If I call them,Copy !req
81. it plays straight into the stereotypes
they have about warlords. Mm!Copy !req
82. - I don't want to give them that.
- Ah! What stereotypes?Copy !req
83. You know, eh?Copy !req
84. That we don't know how to set up
PowerPoint presentations and all that.Copy !req
85. I don't want to be pigeonholed.Copy !req
86. Oh, sometimes I wishCopy !req
87. that some of your child soldiers
were snatched a few years laterCopy !req
88. so they came with some computer knowledge
or something like normal teenagers.Copy !req
89. Then I would not have to worry so much.Copy !req
90. Yes, it would have been fortunate.Copy !req
91. Yes, it would have,
but now you are on your own,Copy !req
92. and don't you dare
come back without a signed deal.Copy !req
93. Colonel Obote is ready to take your placeCopy !req
94. the second you show yourself
as a weak warlord.Copy !req
95. Uh, what are you doing, Jonathan?Copy !req
96. The, uh, Congolese party
are bringing their kids,Copy !req
97. so I just… I wanna make sure the grown-ups
can have their meeting uninterrupted.Copy !req
98. This looks great, right?Copy !req
99. Yeah. Real nice.Copy !req
100. But these youngsters
might not be fans of magicCopy !req
101. and face paint.Copy !req
102. Oh, yes, of course.
Yeah, you're probably right, Pedro,Copy !req
103. 'cause children
tend not to like this, huh?Copy !req
104. Or this.Copy !req
105. Hmm? Mm? Mm?Copy !req
106. What? Where did that come from?Copy !req
107. My mouth? How is this even possible?
Those are handkerchiefs.Copy !req
108. And that is just part
of what I have in storeCopy !req
109. for these little rugrats.Copy !req
110. Welcome to the Caribbean Queen, Mr. Hong.Copy !req
111. I am your captain,Copy !req
112. and I am so looking forward
to having you on board.Copy !req
113. A pleasure.Copy !req
114. Oh, the… the pleasure is all mine.Copy !req
115. They all look alike.Copy !req
116. Impossible to tell them apart.
Very ugly faces. It is very consistent.Copy !req
117. Almost like "ugly-face uniforms."Copy !req
118. The captain is a tiny "boy-man."Copy !req
119. Horrible face and smells like old milk.Copy !req
120. - A captain should be sturdier.
- Right.Copy !req
121. I cannot respect him.Copy !req
122. I…
I speak Mandarin, you know?Copy !req
123. I'm just kidding.Copy !req
124. I'm as monolingual
as they come.Copy !req
125. Wh… What were you…
What are you guys talking about?Copy !req
126. Oh, just that we are
very happy to be here,Copy !req
127. and we want to bring thanks
for arranging this meeting.Copy !req
128. Oh, our pleasure.Copy !req
129. I hope you like to eat with sticks
because we have sticks in the restaurant.Copy !req
130. None of that knife-and-fork nonsense.Copy !req
131. Okay.Copy !req
132. You're gonna have so much fun.Copy !req
133. Yes. Um…Copy !req
134. Uh, Liza, would you please show
Mr. Hong and his friends to their cabins?Copy !req
135. Please come with me, my friends. This way.Copy !req
136. Bye.Copy !req
137. Hoof!Copy !req
138. Oh, Mr. Hong. What a character, huh?Copy !req
139. Hmm, yeah, pretty hostile.
You don't deserve that, my friend.Copy !req
140. Well, maybe friendliness is a sign
of weakness or something in… in China?Copy !req
141. But he… he'll come around.Copy !req
142. Kill them with kindness.
Isn't that what they say?Copy !req
143. Yes?Copy !req
144. Yes. Okay. Roger that.Copy !req
145. Mr. Goodluck and his crew are approaching.Copy !req
146. Oh! There, on the horizon.Copy !req
147. Ah, they're so far away,
but I can hear them real well.Copy !req
148. What is happening to me? It's like I…
Oh, it's like have super hearing.Copy !req
149. Maybe I finally found my hidden talent,
hearing exceptionally well at sea. Huh.Copy !req
150. Oh.Copy !req
151. Welcome, Mr. Goodluck,
to the Caribbean Queen.Copy !req
152. Uh… I am your captain,
Johnathan Fall. Hah. Uh…Copy !req
153. Oh.Copy !req
154. I am so happy for Mr. Tyrant
setting up this meeting.Copy !req
155. Please, bring him
my many thanks along with this.Copy !req
156. Huh. Wow, it looks completely real.
I am sure he will love it.Copy !req
157. I sure hope so.Copy !req
158. Well, please come aboard.
We are expecting you.Copy !req
159. Thank you, Captain.Copy !req
160. Oh! One for you.Copy !req
161. One for you.Copy !req
162. Oh! Oh, excuse me.Copy !req
163. What's that
in your ear there, little fella? Ah!Copy !req
164. Ah!Copy !req
165. Arrête ça.Copy !req
166. Oh wow, so strong.Copy !req
167. Huh! Well, that was fun.Copy !req
168. So we like to play cops and robbers
over there in Congo, do we?Copy !req
169. That is just… swell.
Fun and games is, uh… is good.Copy !req
170. Never lose your playfulness,
you little rascal.Copy !req
171. Ooh. That was so fast.Copy !req
172. The battery,
this life-giving energy reservoir,Copy !req
173. fueling everything
from trucks to telephones.Copy !req
174. Where would we be without it?Copy !req
175. And what would a battery be
without cobalt?Copy !req
176. Just an expensive piece
of useless material.Copy !req
177. Material? Hmm-hmm.Copy !req
178. Material.Copy !req
179. Hey there, Capitán.Copy !req
180. Ah, nice rat costume.
What are you dressing up for?Copy !req
181. Just preparing for a show
that I am treating those kids to.Copy !req
182. Did you not notice how sullen they looked?Copy !req
183. Uh… No, not really, no.Copy !req
184. Um… I'm not that good at reading emotions,
I guess. I don't know.Copy !req
185. Well, I am, and those kids
are in dire need of a good time.Copy !req
186. You know, maybe they just want to relaxCopy !req
187. and enjoy some time off
from the daily routine.Copy !req
188. I mean, it's not often
they get to do relaxing stuff like this.Copy !req
189. I think they are kept pretty busy,
if you ask me.Copy !req
190. Kids are kids, and fun is universal.Copy !req
191. I have prepared jokes,Copy !req
192. and riddles, and rhymes,
and everything they could ever crave.Copy !req
193. Wow. Okay.Copy !req
194. Uh… Just lose the rat outfit.Copy !req
195. I think.Copy !req
196. Oh, f… Yeah, fine. It's a bunny,Copy !req
197. but I'm not compromising
on the rest of the show.Copy !req
198. Maybe I care too much,
but children are our future,Copy !req
199. and I don't see anybody else
trying to lift their spirits around here.Copy !req
200. So this one…Copy !req
201. - Oh.Copy !req
202. Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
203. That is not… Ah, ah. Ah-ah.Copy !req
204. Ooh. Wh… I…Copy !req
205. M… May I help you, Mr. Goodluck?
It's a… a bit tricky.Copy !req
206. Uh, no. I can do this easily.
I'm very computer literate.Copy !req
207. - So…
- Mm. That one is for the lights.Copy !req
208. I know.Copy !req
209. Yeah. Just tell me
if there's anything I can do.Copy !req
210. There is nothing.Copy !req
211. I'm an expert in the different cables
and connections area,Copy !req
212. so that poses no problem for me.Copy !req
213. - Okay.
- Okay. Okay. Mm.Copy !req
214. Just connect to the HDMI 2 there.Copy !req
215. I knew that,
but that is not what I was trying to do.Copy !req
216. Hmm.Copy !req
217. Eh…Copy !req
218. Uh…Copy !req
219. Welcome to this presentation
of JSF, the Juvenile Security Force.Copy !req
220. Uh…Copy !req
221. Uh, can everyone hear me fine
all the way there in the back?Copy !req
222. Of course. This is just a small room.Copy !req
223. Oh, okay, good. Uh… Uh-uh… G…Copy !req
224. Um, good.Copy !req
225. Welcome to you, Mr. Hong,
and to your associates.Copy !req
226. It is an honor that you took the time
to meet us here in this fine… vessel.Copy !req
227. Okay, let us get straight to business.Copy !req
228. Oh.Copy !req
229. It's a personal photo, so, uh…Copy !req
230. Eh… Now you know more about me.Copy !req
231. That is always positive. Yeah?Copy !req
232. Anyway. Uh, where was I?Copy !req
233. Uh, yes.Copy !req
234. When you leave this room today,Copy !req
235. you will be convinced
that the Juvenile Security ForceCopy !req
236. is the right choice
for guarding your cobalt mines.Copy !req
237. Because like we used to say,
"It's not who you know,Copy !req
238. but who you blow… up."Copy !req
239. Who…Copy !req
240. Who you blow… up!Copy !req
241. Because…Copy !req
242. Because he blew up that son of a bitch
Sergeant Mawemba in his hut.Copy !req
243. It is a… a very funny twist on the saying.Copy !req
244. Eh-heh.
I'll move along to myths or facts.Copy !req
245. Child soldiers need less food
than grown soldiersCopy !req
246. and are therefore
a more affordable choice.Copy !req
247. Myth or fact?Copy !req
248. Capitán?Copy !req
249. Uh, how many of the children
have signed up for the magic show?Copy !req
250. Mm… No one.Copy !req
251. D… What? What the freckles is wrong
with these children?Copy !req
252. - I have a heck of a show prepared.
- I am aware. Yes.Copy !req
253. Did you tell them
I have a heck of a show prepared?Copy !req
254. Ye… Yes, I told them.Copy !req
255. In those words?Copy !req
256. Yes.Copy !req
257. Oh, not good.
Then they heard the H word. Ugh.Copy !req
258. I think they'll be fine.Copy !req
259. Were they excited about the show?
What did they say?Copy !req
260. Nothing, uh…Copy !req
261. - But two of them asked for hookers.
- What?Copy !req
262. Eh, you know, Captain,
it's just kids' humor.Copy !req
263. Okay,
call an emergency staff meeting, pronto.Copy !req
264. I have a plan to solve this mess.Copy !req
265. Everyone has to join,
and I… I won't take no for an answer.Copy !req
266. Whoo!Copy !req
267. Join in, friends! Come on! Come on!Copy !req
268. What are you scared of? This is so fun.Copy !req
269. All the cups, uh… pots, uh… the knives,Copy !req
270. uh, the forks, and the spoons
can all be scaled down,Copy !req
271. and in the long run
could save you a considerable amount.Copy !req
272. Do you want me to elaborate on the savingsCopy !req
273. just because of the sheer lack of size
of the soldiers?Copy !req
274. Eh?Copy !req
275. No? Or yes?Copy !req
276. O… Or no?Copy !req
277. And reverse!Copy !req
278. - Keep backing up, everybody!Copy !req
279. Let's take a break. Huh?
Is that okay for you, Mr. Hong?Copy !req
280. Yeah? A… A short break, eh?Copy !req
281. Eh… To… To… To clear our heads.Copy !req
282. Eh-hah.Copy !req
283. Yes? O… Or no?Copy !req
284. Oh wow, thanks. I am so exhausted.Copy !req
285. - Conga line is the best form of exercise.
- Really?Copy !req
286. Yeah, I read that somewhere.Copy !req
287. Oh, I hope I didn't ruin
their meeting, but, uh…Copy !req
288. being able to put a smile on all those
children's faces made it all worthwhile.Copy !req
289. Yeah, no.Copy !req
290. Sorry about the conga line.Copy !req
291. Uh, I hope
I didn't ruin your presentation.Copy !req
292. Oh, that is okay.Copy !req
293. It gave me an excuse to take a break.Copy !req
294. I was just too nervous
during the presentation.Copy !req
295. Look at my hands! They are still shaking.Copy !req
296. Oh. Well, tho…
those sweet kids have made punch.Copy !req
297. - Do you want some?
- Ah, sure.Copy !req
298. Punch for Goodluck!Copy !req
299. I mean, we have a great product
that is really a no-brainer,Copy !req
300. but I just don't think
I managed to get my point across.Copy !req
301. Heh? And I have to sign this deal, oh.
Or I fear it will be the end of me.Copy !req
302. Hey. Hey, don't let your job
take over your life.Copy !req
303. No job is that important.Copy !req
304. Hmm. I don't know about that.Copy !req
305. Anyway, this cruise is about
cultural exchange, so let's get to it.Copy !req
306. Mr. Hong!Copy !req
307. Mr. Hong! Mr. Hong!Copy !req
308. Mr. Hong! Mr. Hong! Mr. Hong! Mr. Hong!Copy !req
309. Mr. Hong! Have a seat.Copy !req
310. The kids have whipped up the best punch.
Can I get you some?Copy !req
311. I do not drink.Copy !req
312. Oh, but this is a recipe for kids,
so it's obviously alcohol-free.Copy !req
313. Ah.Copy !req
314. Just extremely tasty,
and, uh, very thirst quenching.Copy !req
315. Okay. I am thirsty
and have a sour taste in my mouthCopy !req
316. after that shaky presentation.Copy !req
317. Uh, could we get some of that tasty punch
for Mr. Hong and the mesmerizing Miss Gin?Copy !req
318. So, uh, Mr. Hong from China, huh?Copy !req
319. Correct.Copy !req
320. - Yep. Businessman?
- Yes.Copy !req
321. Yeah, you see? I've done my due diligence.Copy !req
322. Oh, here we are.Copy !req
323. This punch makes you giddy
for some reason.Copy !req
324. Oh, let's chug it down, just for fun.Copy !req
325. Okay. What's the harm
in pounding some alcohol-free punch?Copy !req
326. - Cheers.
- Cheers.Copy !req
327. Uh, yes.Copy !req
328. It's just that, for the first time,
I feel that my parents might be,Copy !req
329. you know, kind of proud of me.
Sorry.Copy !req
330. And I don't really know
how to embrace thatCopy !req
331. because the feelings
are kind of new, you know? Sorry.Copy !req
332. So I just…
I don't know how to respond to that.Copy !req
333. Sorry. If that makes any sense.Copy !req
334. It does. Totally.Copy !req
335. You know what?Copy !req
336. I wish you could see yourself
as I see you here.Copy !req
337. - I… I… I was thinking the same thing.
- Oh.Copy !req
338. Yes.Copy !req
339. When I look at you,
I see a confident young captainCopy !req
340. who has the ability
to guide his ship through the storm.Copy !req
341. And that is the man
that you will show your parents.Copy !req
342. Yes.Copy !req
343. And your brother
who, if I can speak freely,Copy !req
344. seems like a total asshole.Copy !req
345. A… A real gaping asshole, that Tanner.Copy !req
346. To our new friendship.Copy !req
347. And to the future partnership of you two?Copy !req
348. Why don't we get a few more of these
and go into the meeting room?Copy !req
349. Yeah?Copy !req
350. And take another look
at that presentation.Copy !req
351. Great idea.Copy !req
352. I'll come with you guys.
I don't even care if you don't want me to.Copy !req
353. Would you look at that, Pedro?Copy !req
354. I never thought in a million years
that our good captain could be the glueCopy !req
355. that could seal the deal on this one. Wow.Copy !req
356. I know. They actually love him. Ah.Copy !req
357. - What a find. What a find, Liza.
- Yeah.Copy !req
358. - Ha.
- And that's on us, eh?Copy !req
359. I mean, we picked him.
He is actually a keeper. Hmm!Copy !req
360. We did it! The cultural-exchange deal
is sealed! Whoo!Copy !req
361. Yes, and we've got to document
this historic event, my friends. Come on.Copy !req
362. - Sure!
- Oh yes.Copy !req
363. Okay? Say cheese!Copy !req
364. Cheese!Copy !req
365. And some children also, please.
Come on, kids. Go on.Copy !req
366. - Yup, okay, big smiles.
- Okay.Copy !req
367. He… He's okay. Whoo!Copy !req
368. Knock, knock. I'm coming. I'm coming.Copy !req
369. The Steelmeister!Copy !req
370. Mike?Copy !req
371. Yep. Heard you got divorced,
and I need a wingman.Copy !req
372. You used to be the best.
I can thank you for so much punani.Copy !req
373. Yeah, well, I'm a different man now. Uh…Copy !req
374. I… T… I've been domesticated in a way.Copy !req
375. Okay, but I haven't.Copy !req
376. I'm still single
and chasing the fur burgerCopy !req
377. with more eagerness than ever.Copy !req
378. Good for you, but I don't know.Copy !req
379. Look at yourself.Copy !req
380. All you guys are the same after a divorce.Copy !req
381. So miserable,
and with such a lack of confidence.Copy !req
382. You need to put yourself out there,
play the scene.Copy !req
383. But first
we need to clean you up.Copy !req
384. Wow. Just wow.Copy !req
385. That made me… hard.Copy !req
386. I would tear the clothes off you
and have passionate sex with you right nowCopy !req
387. if I weren't so extremely heterosexual.Copy !req
388. Okay.Copy !req
389. Let's go speed dating, bro.Copy !req
390. Just lie. That is my best tip.Copy !req
391. Say that you're a pediatrician
and that you cry at work every dayCopy !req
392. because you care too much.Copy !req
393. Okay. I mean, I'm not a great liar,
but I guess it's worth a try.Copy !req
394. Get in the groove, man. Act sexy. Come on.Copy !req
395. Advertise yourself
before the hunting starts, huh?Copy !req
396. Ha-ha-ha.Copy !req
397. Hmm.Copy !req
398. Wow.Copy !req
399. So those are the "cliff notes"
on your divorce.Copy !req
400. And you are also the man
behind the animal rampageCopy !req
401. that eventually took 187 lives
and 79 faces plus-minus?Copy !req
402. Uh… Yeah, that'd be me.Copy !req
403. Well, your physical attractiveness
overshadows all that negative stuff.Copy !req
404. In fact, I'm glad to hear
you have so many lives on your "conscious"Copy !req
405. because we women like bad boys.Copy !req
406. - Uh…Copy !req
407. - Yeah.
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
408. - Wait—
- Excuse me.Copy !req
409. So do you want to get outta here?Copy !req
410. I could clean your house
and make you a nice dinner?Copy !req
411. - Dinner…
- We could have great sex to top it off.Copy !req
412. Oh, sex.Copy !req
413. Well, what do you say?
Should we get outta here?Copy !req
414. I could have my driver pick us up.
I have a driver because I'm so rich.Copy !req
415. Uh-huh. Where have I seen you before?Copy !req
416. Hello?Copy !req
417. Great.Copy !req
418. Steelmeister, where you going?Copy !req
419. Steelmeister! Don't leave me here
with all these washed-up skanks!Copy !req
420. Whoa, not cool, bro!Copy !req
421. - Kidding.
- Asshole!Copy !req
422. Well, jackhammer me senseless.Copy !req
423. It's the same ship.
They just renamed it and painted it.Copy !req
424. The head of the snake.Copy !req
425. Becker, old friend, it's time to get
the old team back together.Copy !req
426. It's showtime.Copy !req