Captain Fall 1x3

1. Americans,

2. captured as high-school freshmen in a rural suburb of Knoxville, Tennessee,

3. Bubba, Jim and Sue Ellen have been with us in the park since 1988.

4. They live on a strict diet of white bread, bacon, eggs and coffee,

5. but if you want to grab the male's attention,

6. throw him an ice-cold beer.

7. More coffee, honey?

8. I don't mind if I do.

9. Magtag!

10. They put on a good show for us today, hey? Look, almost goosebumps.

11. Yeah, yeah, whatever.

12. I hate them.

13. Yes, cocksuckers from the deepest parts of hell.

14. Ugh.

15. So bland.

16. Could at least you force two of them to fight to the death or something?

17. Isn't it maybe about time you bought an arena for death matches?

18. I actually got an appraisal for a death-match arena last year,

19. but it was so expensive, so it… it just wasn't worth it.

20. That is a heap of bull crap, and you know it.

21. No, no! You see, it's not just to brick up a small coliseum.

22. You… You actually have to have all the infrastructure in place.

23. And restrooms and wardrobes

24. and a million other things you just don't think about.

25. - Jan, you're so stingy.

26. - You should be ashamed of yourself. - Wow! Look at them Frenchies go.

27. What a riot, and it's so engaging!

28. Croissant! Baguette!

29. We've just got to be patient.

30. Just wait for them to make that tiny little slipup, and we're out of here.

31. Hei.

32. Ugh!

33. I hate those posers.

34. Where are the exotic people? Where's all the fun?

35. This is like an animal zoo with just cows.

36. Just be patient, my poppet.

37. I have a surprise in store for you. A little gift.

38. Huh?

39. It's not something affordable, is it?

40. You remember that time you bought me that affordable gift,

41. and you said it was the thought that counts?

42. Yeah. How can I forget? You raised hell.

43. You were like a rabid dog with roid rage.

44. - Worst week of my life.

45. Yes, and with good reason.

46. So no, I promise you, it's not affordable. It's really expensive this time.

47. I broke the bank on this one.

48. Oh, I hoped you'd step your game up.

49. What you said right there got my syrups flowing.

50. Uh, oh, oh, yeah?

51. Quick. Let's find a place to copulate. It is a WAP bonanza in my panties.

52. Wh… Wh… What?

53. Let me have some of that D real fast.

54. I'm ready for a real jackhammering.

55. Oh… Okay.

56. Damn, that was some good cocking.

57. Wow. Look at you. Really taking command of this ship.

58. Maneuvering her like she's a beautiful woman.

59. That's just great to see, Capitán.

60. Yeah, you… you think so?

61. Oh yes. You have something special in you.

62. You know, I have never seen a captain just blossom

63. and take control as fast as you.

64. Oh!

65. Wow, thank you.

66. I… I'm serious. I must admit that I respect you so much

67. for not getting caught up in that accident we had in Rio.

68. I know many people would, but not you.

69. No, sir.

70. You are too strong in here, and I can see that.

71. Maybe I am. Yeah.

72. Anyway, Mr. Tyrant wants to speak to you in the conference room.

73. What? He's here? On the ship?

74. Uh, no, no, no. On a video link.

75. Oh. Wow. Mm! High tech.

76. Uh, Nico, you have the bridge. Keep her steady.

77. The ship is anchored.

78. You want me to just stand here and hold the wheel?

79. Yes, uh, just in case.

80. Or no. Or yes.

81. - Yes. Final answer, yes. - Okay.

82. What is he like?

83. We've never met, so…

84. Oh. He's, eh… He's super nice.

85. You know, uh… a real swell guy.

86. Un caballero, un pan dulce. Like a sweet bread, mm?

87. - Good luck in there. - Oh, you're not coming?

88. Oh, no. No, no, no.

89. He wanted just you. His right hand. The man in charge of everything.

90. Oh.

91. Great.

92. Huh.

93. Good afternoon, Mr. Tyrant.

94. Am I on?

95. Is this thing on?

96. Uh… Uh…

97. - I can— - Okay, tell me when I'm on.

98. Or use hand signals, you know? More professional.

99. I can both see and hear you, Mr. Tyrant. Can you hear me?

100. So he can't see me? Or can he?

101. - I— - Then just say "can't."

102. Yes, I know what the green light means. I've done this many times before.

103. It means the camera is on. I know this, but it doesn't seem to work.

104. It works perfectly well on my end. I… I can hear you loud and clear.

105. Still nothing? Goddamn it.

106. They said this system was supposed to be robust, you know?

107. That's why I had it installed.

108. Hello. Hello? Can you… Can you see me?

109. I was promised situations like this would be a thing of the past

110. with this new so-called technology.

111. Goddamn it, Bon Jovi! Shoo! Shame on you, Bon Jovi. Off you go.

112. Something's seriously wrong with Bon Jovi.

113. I think he has a brain dysfunction or something.

114. Greetings, Captain Fall. I've been expecting you.

115. Good afternoon, Mr. Tyrant. Wh… What an honor. Um…

116. I… I can't see your face real well.

117. It looks kinda like an aura of mystique around you or something.

118. Maybe someone can adjust the lights for you?

119. Yeah, we'll… we'll see about that.

120. I just wanted to check in and see that you've been settling in okay.

121. - I hear great things about you already. - You have?

122. Yes! I'm so proud of you.

123. - You're my right-hand man. You know? - Yes, I know.

124. And it is important that you don't let anyone push you around.

125. I won't.

126. Or wh… what do you mean exactly?

127. Oh, for example, don't let anyone else sign off on documents.

128. Everything that goes on and off the ship should have your signature on it.

129. Yeah, I'll make sure.

130. And you are the star.

131. You should be in every photo with prominent guests.

132. That's your perk. Don't let anyone take that away from you.

133. You bet. I will not let you down, sir.

134. Good. Good luck, son.

135. Wow. "Son."

136. Well, thank you so… much. Okay, bye.

137. Okay.

138. Hello, everyone. Please listen up.

139. In a couple of minutes, the beautiful Liza Barell is starting

140. the yoga for peace activity in the fitness center.

141. The yoga is a mandatory part of this journey

142. to promote peace on earth and to stop global warming.

143. If you don't want to participate,

144. we urge you to stand close and participate in spirit.

145. We have to insist.

146. And we have an ogle-all-you-want policy.

147. You're allowed to ogle shamelessly because the cause is so noble.

148. This is bigger than you or me. Thank you.

149. Come on closer. Now don't be shy.

150. Everyone is in place. Commence operation.

151. Copy that.

152. Good morning, everyone. I am so glad to see you all here.

153. Just relax and follow my every instruction,

154. and you will find yourself completely rejuvenated and peaceful.

155. Okay, let's get started.

156. It's go time. Stand by.

157. Everybody lie down on your backs and breathe, okay? Deep, deep breaths.

158. And close your eyes. Everyone now.

159. Deep, deep breaths.

160. In, out, in…

161. And… release the gas.

162. - Out.

163. Oh, crap. Sorry. My bad.

164. That was a little unfortunate. A little unprofessional.

165. You are the one in charge? A female?

166. Mm-hmm.

167. Captain Fall isn't feeling well, but he sends his regards.

168. Oh. Okay.

169. "Dear Jan, hope you like the Indian tribe

170. and that they will live a long and happy life

171. in your human zoo. All the best, Captain Fall." Here.

172. Good. So, this is so exciting, eh?

173. You know, my wife is looking so much forward to the surprise.

174. I… really think it will take my whole concept to a new level.

175. A great addition to my park.

176. Mm. Money first.

177. Yes, yes, of course. Hey.

178. Money.

179. Wow.

180. Magtag!

181. They are beautiful.

182. So pure.

183. Jan, it would be a good idea not to expose them

184. to any of our germs. Okay?

185. You know, them never having had contact with other humans and so on and so forth.

186. Yes, yes, yes, of course.

187. Enjoy.

188. Gas effect ceases in three, two, one.

189. That's it.

190. Now come back to your conscious self.

191. Deep breaths.

192. Get as much oxygen as you can into your lungs.

193. Humongous breaths now to fill you with pure oxygen.

194. I think some of you fell asleep there for a little while.

195. Nothing to be embarrassed about.

196. - Okay, two more times. In and out. - Ah!

197. Slowly sit up. Let's bow our heads.

198. The light in me honors the light in you.

199. Namaste.

200. Oh. Wow.

201. You are really good at yoga… thing.

202. - So limber. That was incredibly relaxing. - Glad you enjoyed it.

203. Ah. Oh, my nose.

204. And my chin feels like I was hit by a truck.

205. A very tiny truck, but…

206. I guess you fell over when you fell asleep.

207. - Happens all the time. - Ha-oh.

208. Yeah, listen. I just wanted to touch base on, uh…

209. you know, the thing that happened the other day.

210. - Which thing? - You know, the… ejaculation thing.

211. Oh. That.

212. I just wanted you to know

213. that I still respect you just as much as before.

214. Yeah. Sure, of course.

215. Yeah, and I am… I am mellow about the whole experience.

216. No biggie.

217. Of course, yeah. No biggie.

218. Yeah, let's just treat it like what it was.

219. Two consenting adults feeding off each other's… sexual energy?

220. Yup.

221. And this time I climax, next time it could be you.

222. Those things are supposedly pretty random.

223. Mm-hmm.

224. Hey, um, I've gotta run, but I'll see you around, Captain.

225. Sure. Yes. I… I will be around,

226. uh, if you wanted to experience that again,

227. or something in that nature… We can circle back on it.

228. Oh… What was I going to do?

229. - Oh yeah, this thing.

230. - Hello, toot-toot, testing.

231. Testing.

232. Dear friends, dear family, dear Elizabeth.

233. As you may know, this human zoo was built because of Elizabeth's big heart.

234. She cares so much for people. She is a true xenophile

235. with so much interest and care for foreign people's cultures and customs,

236. so give her a warm round of applause.

237. - Oh!

238. Thank you, Jan. Thank you.

239. I wanted to buy her a gift unlike anything she had before.

240. The most expensive and rare gem in our collection.

241. Now let me introduce to you, from the depths of the Amazon rainforest,

242. untouched by humans, they have lived in total isolation for thousands of years.

243. They are among the last of their kind. Meet the Javaruna Tribe!

244. - What? - Oh!

245. What? No!

246. Disease!

247. They brought the plague! The plague is upon us!

248. They're trying to kill us! Everybody get out of here!

249. What the hell is this, Jan? A disgrace! It's an utter disgrace!

250. I'm sorry. They said something about the bad immune systems.

251. I don't know.

252. Idiot! You bought damaged merchandise.

253. This surprise sucks swollen balls, and we have been made fools of.

254. - Get out of my way! - Oh!

255. Now!

256. The moment we have been waiting for so many, many long years.

257. Implement the plan!

258. Oh, ah.

259. - Whoo!

260. This is our chance.

261. - We did it, Bubba! - Oh my God!

262. - Americans are fucking free! - Woo-hoo!

263. USA! USA! Fuckin'…

264. I'm coming home, baby!

265. Run, Johannes! Run like the wind!

266. This way!

267. Round them up! Capture everyone!

268. Oh!

269. Get the militia now! I will revenge this!

270. No one makes a fool of Jan Onthercaart von der Recht!

271. Sorry, did you say something, boss? The alarm.

272. I said get the militia now.

273. I will revenge this. No one makes a fool of Jan Onthercaart von der Recht!

274. Get the militia?

275. Yes, you…

276. - That Captain Fall is going down!

277. - I can't do this, Jim. - Just keep going, buddy.

278. This engine ain't built for exercise.

279. Come on, Bubba. You can do this. Now we gotta haul ass. Come on.

280. No prison in the world is worse than running like this.

281. Don't you turtle up on me now, Bubba.

282. Sorry, Jim. I'm turtling up and hoping for the best.

283. Don't do this, Bubba. We're in this together.

284. If you're turtling, shit, I'm turtling.

285. Ah, this is so nice.

286. That sprint took everything I had in me.

287. Yeah. It's pretty nice. I wonder what's for dinner.

288. I will expose this horrible place,

289. even if it's the last thing I do.

290. Same here. That is exactly my plan too.

291. Seriously? Maybe you can make your own plan?

292. You don't have to mimic everything I do.

293. Yeah, but it's pretty obvious to have that plan

294. after sitting in a human zoo for 16 years.

295. Yes. You can do what your conscience tells you,

296. but it's not very inventive when you have the exact same plan as me.

297. Its just not very creative.

298. Have a nice trek.

299. Okay. Have fun. Not too much fun!

300. No, it's okay. You can have too much fun.

301. All right, see ya.

302. Oh, so, Pedro, I was gonna ask you, um…

303. Huh. Uh, no, yeah, sorry. It slipped my mind. I…

304. That's okay, Captain.

305. Oh, now I remember. That Liza… You know Liza, right?

306. Yes. Of course.

307. We have been colleagues for nearly eight years, so I know her.

308. Yeah, she seems very, uh… very nice. Yeah.

309. Girl like that probably has a husband and everything.

310. Maybe some little ones perhaps, or…

311. Uh, no. No. She's single. Always been.

312. Really? Wow.

313. She probably, um, misses someone in her life.

314. - Hmm. Maybe. - Yeah.

315. And I feel like I could maybe be that person.

316. Is that… We're just so alike, you know, so compatible.

317. - Okay. - Liza is special.

318. So tender. So sensitive. Almost shy in a sense.

319. Kind of a fish out of water in a tough environment,

320. - like a cruise ship can be at times.

321. Just a delicate flower in a concrete jungle.

322. I just hope that she feels safe here,

323. and that this workplace doesn't feel toxic to her,

324. you know, with the kind of masculine energy

325. we project on the ship.

326. She has a tender soul, you know, but hey, that's okay too.

327. We're just extremely alike,

328. and I feel like we kind of belong together.

329. That we might be meant for each other.

330. You and Ms. Barell?

331. Sure. Yeah. Why not, right? Go for it, Captain.

332. Thanks, Pedro. Good talk.

333. Thanks for the advice. I'll, uh… I'll go and find her.

334. - You're a true friend. - Anytime, mi amigo.

335. Hmm. "Amigo." Wow.

336. I don't know what that means, but it sounds… poetic.

337. Oh, Liza!

338. - Hello. - Oh, hi.

339. - I was actually looking for you. - How come?

340. - Just, uh… I would really like to talk. - Um…

341. - Yeah. - Uh, well, can it wait?

342. I really have to take a shower, get this paint off me.

343. Oh, is that paint?

344. Almost looks like blood or something gross.

345. Mm-mm. No.

346. You've got something that looks like human skin there and… hair?

347. - Is that— - No, it's red paint.

348. - I spilled it all over me by accident. - Oh.

349. Well, that is, uh… unlucky.

350. Uh, well, can you meet me at the rear deck in ten minutes?

351. Sure, no problem.

352. Okay. I'm gonna take the hat off.

353. Too formal. Yeah.

354. Hello. No, no. Good evening…

355. Ha… Or, you know, hat on. Yeah. Keep the hat on.

356. - There you are, Ms. Barell. - Here I am.

357. So what's up, Admiral?

358. Admiral.

359. It's, uh… you know, I was thinking…

360. or not thinking, I was hoping that, uh, you know…

361. What were you hoping?

362. Or I wanted to say that I feel we have a very, very strong chemistry,

363. so I wanted to ask if, uh…

364. Ask if?

365. If perhaps you would be open to the thought of maybe going on a date.

366. Nico, take the left. Pedro, take the right.

367. Come on, men. Formation!

368. It's Jan!

369. All right, move, move, move, move!

370. Fuck you, Jan! All sales are final!

371. Get them!

372. Die, you fuckers!

373. Fuck!

374. Lights. Civilization!

375. Yes, I have eyes. One tends to notice a city

376. when you have been lost in the wilderness for weeks.

377. It's pretty obvious.

378. Yeah, but we made it! We actually made it.

379. We have argued, and it hasn't always been that pleasant between us,

380. but we made it. Should we just run down there?

381. We are not gonna run down there and arrive in the city like two idiots out of breath.

382. Why not?

383. Because that's just stupid.

384. Then we come across as too eager.

385. It's much cooler if we just camp here and hang out and… you know…

386. reminisce about all the things we've been through

387. and all the dangerous animals we've seen and those things. It's much better.

388. But… we're so close to our goal, and it's so extremely dangerous out here.

389. Come on! We have survived for weeks out here,

390. and you think something might happen on the last night? It doesn't make sense.

391. Ok. Maybe one more night won't make a difference.

392. And then we can walk into the city tomorrow as kings.

393. - Yeah, strut in there. - Exactly.

394. Yes, that's what I envision too.

395. We'll look really cool as we walk into town and everyone there just… whoo!

396. - Yeah. - Yeah.

397. - Yeah. - Okay.

398. - Good night. - Good night.

399. Oh shit.

400. Johannes? Johannes?

401. Ah!

402. Oh. Eh…

403. Get away. No!

404. Sit!

405. Get away! No, no, no, no!