1. Hmm.Copy !req
2. Our target is wearing a captain's uniform.
I repeat, a person in a captain's uniform.Copy !req
3. - Thank you.
- Bravo!Copy !req
4. Come with me, Captain.Copy !req
5. Let's go find our table.
The show's about to start.Copy !req
6. Goddamn! That is bright.
I can't see anything in there.Copy !req
7. Yeah. It's like looking
straight into the sun.Copy !req
8. What the hell is he up to in there?
I bet something nuclear.Copy !req
9. Remove your night-vision goggles.
I repeat, remove the night-vision goggles.Copy !req
10. This better work,
Mr. Know-It-All Vision Expert.Copy !req
11. Okay, fine.Copy !req
12. - Set your tasers for max electrocution.Copy !req
13. Let's take this asshole down hard.Copy !req
14. Hold on a sec. Wait, wait!
There are multiple captains in there.Copy !req
15. Decoys.Copy !req
16. Ugh, so devious.Copy !req
17. Go, go, go!Copy !req
18. Pacify the captains!
Our target could be any one of them.Copy !req
19. No! No! Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.Copy !req
20. Son of a bitch!Copy !req
21. But they're just kids!Copy !req
22. This is no time to categorize
or pigeonhole people, Agent Steel.Copy !req
23. Tase them all.Copy !req
24. That's what you get
for being a decoy.Copy !req
25. - Do not move! Do not move!Copy !req
26. Well, well, well.Copy !req
27. What have we got here?Copy !req
28. Agh!Copy !req
29. I am Captain Tucker,
and I am in charge of this vessel.Copy !req
30. What on earth are you doing here?Copy !req
31. - I demand answers!
- Oh…Copy !req
32. - You'll get your answers all right.Copy !req
33. You'll get your answersCopy !req
34. in a jail cell.Copy !req
35. Mm.Copy !req
36. Well, uh, actually,
we should probably read him his rightsCopy !req
37. and inform him of the charges against him.Copy !req
38. And all that.Copy !req
39. Oh, nice, Steel. That was a cool-ass line.
Way to ruin the moment.Copy !req
40. You wanna do that cool line again, Chief?Copy !req
41. Nope, nope, nope. The moment is gone.Copy !req
42. Steel took that away from us.Copy !req
43. Everyone, just…
Let's just leave. Let's go.Copy !req
44. Hello, sir. They got him.Copy !req
45. It's on again.Copy !req
46. This is scandalous! Agh!Copy !req
47. It was just after midnightCopy !req
48. police raided the Pacific Pearl
and arrested Captain Herman TuckerCopy !req
49. on multiple charges of drug smuggling,Copy !req
50. trafficking,
possession of illegal firearms,Copy !req
51. and slaughter of endangered animals.Copy !req
52. - Watch out. Pee incoming.
- Ugh!Copy !req
53. That's a good one.Copy !req
54. Yeah, looks like I peed
my pants pretty massively.Copy !req
55. Whatever, Fall.Copy !req
56. Yep, just emptied my bladder
in my pants.Copy !req
57. That's me. No, that's… It's good stuff.Copy !req
58. See you at the next, uh…
Yeah.Copy !req
59. The prosecution is getting ready
for the trial of the century.Copy !req
60. But first, Captain Tucker is going
to be isolated in prison,Copy !req
61. where should he for some reason pass away,Copy !req
62. the district attorney would lose
her only witness.Copy !req
63. Oh, it looks like I peed myself, but, um…Copy !req
64. I'm just the butt of a great prank.
Don't worry.Copy !req
65. - Oh… kay.
- Yeah, it's not urine.Copy !req
66. Um…Copy !req
67. - Mm.
- Oh, it's actually…Copy !req
68. It's actually Fanta.Copy !req
69. Whatever, Fall. Exam results are in.
You should check 'em out.Copy !req
70. They're here? Should I be excited or—Copy !req
71. Oh yeah. This is it.Copy !req
72. This is the exam that decides your career,
and you really stand out.Copy !req
73. Really? Oh!Copy !req
74. Okay. Here we go.Copy !req
75. Fall, Fall. Duh-duh-duh…Copy !req
76. Duh… No…Copy !req
77. Oh.Copy !req
78. Ah, darn it.Copy !req
79. Right…Copy !req
80. Guys. Wow, I am just so proud right now.Copy !req
81. We have helped rid the world of evil.Copy !req
82. - Let's have some cake.
- Fuck, yeah! Cake tastes good.Copy !req
83. Yeah, I just have this weird hunch.
Am I the only one who thinksCopy !req
84. there could be more
to this Captain Tucker case?Copy !req
85. Say what, Steel?Copy !req
86. I just mean that…
does everyone really believeCopy !req
87. that one man single-handedly
did all those horrible things by himselfCopy !req
88. without anyone else on that ship knowing?Copy !req
89. Wow.Copy !req
90. Right?Copy !req
91. Just wow.Copy !req
92. Could be a criminal organization
running that ship.Copy !req
93. Captain Tucker could actually just be
the tip of the iceberg.Copy !req
94. Some kind of pawn. A patsy, a fall guy.Copy !req
95. Hmm.Copy !req
96. - You know what I think, Steel?
- No.Copy !req
97. I think it's actually time for you
to shut your big yapper.Copy !req
98. - Right on!
- Can't you just enjoy this glorious win?Copy !req
99. Washington has been this close
to shutting us down,Copy !req
100. and now you come here
with this… this nonsense.Copy !req
101. Yeah, what an asshole!Copy !req
102. Fuck you, Steel! Fuck you to hell!Copy !req
103. To be completely honest with you, Steel,
no one likes a snoopy agent.Copy !req
104. Really?Copy !req
105. All that sneaking around,
gathering evidence,Copy !req
106. retrieving lost documents,
and finding witnessesCopy !req
107. that could shed new light on a case?Copy !req
108. Ugh. People hate that.Copy !req
109. Uh…Copy !req
110. - But that's kind of our job though.
- Our job was to crack this case.Copy !req
111. - And now it's cracked.Copy !req
112. Yes?Copy !req
113. Mm. Unfortunate?Copy !req
114. Roger that.Copy !req
115. Listen up, team.Copy !req
116. Captain Tucker
just killed himself in jail.Copy !req
117. Suicide, Epstein-style.Copy !req
118. What?Copy !req
119. It's probably
because he was torn apart by guilt.Copy !req
120. So the train has left the station.
Case closed forever.Copy !req
121. - Huh?Copy !req
122. In your face, Steel.Copy !req
123. Oh! Yes. Oh. Let's go!Copy !req
124. - Eh!Copy !req
125. Yeah!Copy !req
126. Hey, what are you doing
with, uh, that evidence?Copy !req
127. You heard the chief. Case is closed.
We're burning everything.Copy !req
128. Oh?Copy !req
129. Yeah, just dumping it into
the evidence destroyer downstairs.Copy !req
130. Hey, uh…Copy !req
131. Let me take that down for you.Copy !req
132. I'm actually heading down
to the evidence destroyer right now.Copy !req
133. Great. Thanks.
Uh, just don't take it home.Copy !req
134. - That's a federal offense, you know.
- Ha-ha!Copy !req
135. I know. I would never do that
because that is not what I am going to do.Copy !req
136. - Far from it.
- Great. Good to hear.Copy !req
137. This will not be that one case
I couldn't let go ofCopy !req
138. and eventually get totally
Carrie Mathison-obsessed with.Copy !req
139. Perfect.Copy !req
140. No way, no, sir.
Ain't happening. Not this guy.Copy !req
141. Too grounded for that stuff.Copy !req
142. Hi.Copy !req
143. Well, you're listening
to 102.6 The Hawk,Copy !req
144. and up next, we have a great tune
from one of my favorites.Copy !req
145. How can I help you, young man?Copy !req
146. Oh, hi. Jonathan Fall. I… I called. Um…Copy !req
147. Oh yes. Mr. Fall. Please come in.Copy !req
148. Oh, I was just looking at my family
on the wall out there.Copy !req
149. Hoo!Copy !req
150. Fall family has been roaming the seas
for generations,Copy !req
151. so… they expect nothing less from me.Copy !req
152. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
153. Let's see here. Jonathan Fall.Copy !req
154. Ouch.Copy !req
155. Okay, well, I know when you look
at my grades,Copy !req
156. it… it doesn't look that great,Copy !req
157. but the ocean is in my blood.
It's in my genes, I think, so…Copy !req
158. Okay.Copy !req
159. Yeah, my… my… my family
was practically responsibleCopy !req
160. for the Allies winning World War II,Copy !req
161. so not too… shabby.Copy !req
162. The thing is, you had the worst exams
in the history of the Naval Academy.Copy !req
163. Oh. Oh.Copy !req
164. Right now, the closest you'll ever get
to commanding a shipCopy !req
165. is turning tricks at the docks.Copy !req
166. Hmm.Copy !req
167. Oh, I don't know, I mean…Copy !req
168. If there were guarantees
that I would eventually command a ship…Copy !req
169. Just as a starting gig, maybe I—Copy !req
170. I am obviously joking, Fall.Copy !req
171. Yeah. Of course.Copy !req
172. Me, a hooker?
No, I… I would never. That's, um…Copy !req
173. I was just joking too. Just, uh…Copy !req
174. two people in an office
just crackin' jokes.Copy !req
175. Anyway, you were saying?Copy !req
176. What I can offer you
is an extensive personality test,Copy !req
177. where you can show potential employers
what you're really made of.Copy !req
178. Maybe you have some hidden talentsCopy !req
179. hidden deep, deep down there. Somewhere.Copy !req
180. There. Done.
I'm pretty sure I nailed it.Copy !req
181. Mm, there is nothing to nail.
It's a personality test.Copy !req
182. Hold on. I'll get the results in two secs.Copy !req
183. Ooh, wow, there are some great ships here.Copy !req
184. Could you send my test results
to the Emperor of the Seas maybe?Copy !req
185. Is that crazy?Copy !req
186. - Oh. Oh Lord.Copy !req
187. - That good?
- No.Copy !req
188. But I owe it to your family name
to get you something.Copy !req
189. Oh! Ah, this could be an opportunity
for you to work on that personalityCopy !req
190. and get some job experience.Copy !req
191. And who knows
what could happen down the line, Fall.Copy !req
192. Wow, that is awesome.Copy !req
193. Thank you. Tha… Thank you so much, ma'am.Copy !req
194. That is just a dream come true.
Thank you for believing in me.Copy !req
195. - Thar she blows!Copy !req
196. That's on you, Mrs. Gilroy.Copy !req
197. - That beautiful saggy ass distracted me.Copy !req
198. Oh, never mind. Those things happen.Copy !req
199. - Hey, Tanner!Copy !req
200. - Whoo!
- Oh.Copy !req
201. Can't hear me.Copy !req
202. Jonathan, darling.Copy !req
203. Hey, Mom.Copy !req
204. I didn't know we were having a party.
What's the occasion?Copy !req
205. - Oh, it's your brother's big day.
- Big day?Copy !req
206. Yes, we're celebrating
Tanner's 33 and a half birthday.Copy !req
207. Oh. Cool.Copy !req
208. I'll… I'll… I'll just get changed,
and then I'll join in.Copy !req
209. Yeah, about that. You know what?Copy !req
210. How about you just climb up
in your treehouse,Copy !req
211. and we'll bring you some food up there.Copy !req
212. Your father and I thought
that would be a great idea.Copy !req
213. I totally agree.
It's… It's just that I would really likeCopy !req
214. to, uh, join the party.Copy !req
215. Of course, but I think it might be
better for you to just skip it.Copy !req
216. - So let's go ahead and do that.
- Roger that.Copy !req
217. Oh, Angela, you made it!Copy !req
218. Hi, Dad.Copy !req
219. Here you go. Chow down.Copy !req
220. Ooh, thank you. So hungry. Good party?Copy !req
221. Oh yeah. So great. So much fun.Copy !req
222. Skrillex is DJing later,Copy !req
223. and your brother is sparkling
like a star down there.Copy !req
224. Oh. I bet.Copy !req
225. May… Maybe I can come down
and join in for a little while?Copy !req
226. Just say hello to Uncle Herman
and them maybe,Copy !req
227. just to get a little taste of the fun.Copy !req
228. Well, in an ideal world,
it's exactly what you would have done,Copy !req
229. but we don't want to risk
you ruining your brother's big dayCopy !req
230. with your presence.Copy !req
231. What? Well, I wouldn't ruin anything.Copy !req
232. I'll stay low, have a little friendly chat
here and there. Yes?Copy !req
233. Nope, not gonna happen.Copy !req
234. Oh… Okay.Copy !req
235. Oh. Oh. You're taking the ladder?Copy !req
236. Oh, it's just a security measure.Copy !req
237. Mostly to protect you from people
climbing up and disturbing you.Copy !req
238. - Oh.
- Yeah, you know.Copy !req
239. Don't want an old uncle to come up thereCopy !req
240. and have his way with you
or anything like that.Copy !req
241. What?Copy !req
242. I'm not saying it will happen,Copy !req
243. but statistically, every family
has a molester in their ranks.Copy !req
244. Ooh.Copy !req
245. Yikes, okay. Um, well, thank you, I guess.Copy !req
246. I'll put it back in the morning,
I almost promise.Copy !req
247. Oh, that would be great.
Okay. Good night, Dad.Copy !req
248. Good night… you.Copy !req
249. Tanner. So talented.Copy !req
250. You're the best, Tanner!Copy !req
251. That's unfortunate.Copy !req
252. Of course, Mr. Tyrant.Copy !req
253. - Was that him?
- Yeah.Copy !req
254. He wants us to take
a different approach this time.Copy !req
255. Instead of finding a captain
with certain credentials,Copy !req
256. he wants us to find a captain with… none.Copy !req
257. Like a wet piece of clay
with a license to command a ship.Copy !req
258. Yeah, I guess.Copy !req
259. Let's get to it.Copy !req
260. Muy bien. Vamos.Copy !req
261. Yah. Coming through.
I know the, uh, captain.Copy !req
262. He's the kids' uncle, so move it.Copy !req
263. - Hey, say hello to your uncle, kids.
- Uncle?Copy !req
264. Just messing with you.Copy !req
265. I'm trying to bang their mother,
and she made me take them to the park.Copy !req
266. - Can you believe that?
- What?Copy !req
267. What, what?
If you don't wanna know the truth,Copy !req
268. stop listening in
on other people's conversations.Copy !req
269. I think he…
Honestly, I think this one's slow.Copy !req
270. Here. Why don't you go on the ride?
Thank you.Copy !req
271. Insane birthday party, huh?Copy !req
272. I had, like, six beers.
I'm hungover like a mofo.Copy !req
273. Okay.Copy !req
274. Yeah, it got totally outta hand.Copy !req
275. Fucked three chicks, or hens, or whatever.Copy !req
276. I thought there were
mostly senior citizens there last night.Copy !req
277. What can I say?Copy !req
278. I like the taste of raisins
just as good as grapes.Copy !req
279. Okay.Copy !req
280. Anyway, I can't believe
I'm finally 33 and a half.Copy !req
281. Wow, time flies when you're doing great
and having tons of fun at the same time,Copy !req
282. both at work and in private.Copy !req
283. Sure… Sure. Yes, I get it.Copy !req
284. Hey, what's wrong with this ride?
Can't it go any faster?Copy !req
285. Well, this is as fast as I am allowed
to take this… old lady.Copy !req
286. Come on, Tiny J.Copy !req
287. You know I'm a real captain, right?
I could order you if I wanted to.Copy !req
288. Ah, I… I don't think
you could do that.Copy !req
289. Oh. Oh, you wanna test me? Do you?Copy !req
290. - No.
- Do you seriously wanna test me?Copy !req
291. - I really don't—
- I hereby commandeer this ship.Copy !req
292. No!Copy !req
293. Yay-hey! Whoo!Copy !req
294. Oh! Oh!Copy !req
295. God, Jonathan! That was so dangerous!Copy !req
296. Where's my baby?Copy !req
297. Thar she blows!Copy !req
298. Oh…Copy !req
299. Okay. Well, okay.
And now my clothes are wet.Copy !req
300. Jonathan Fall,
you have shown a lack of responsibility,Copy !req
301. and I have no choice
but to remove you of your stripe.Copy !req
302. - Please, sir. You can't do this.Copy !req
303. - Well, I just did!Copy !req
304. Ah!Copy !req
305. Darn, that hurts.Copy !req
306. Mom?Copy !req
307. Dad?Copy !req
308. Anyone home?Copy !req
309. Mom? Dad?Copy !req
310. Hello?Copy !req
311. Anyone in here? No. Where are you guys?Copy !req
312. - Hel… Oh!Copy !req
313. - What the hell, Jonathan?
- Hi.Copy !req
314. You know very well
what that metronome means.Copy !req
315. It's lovemaking at a BPM
that makes us comeCopy !req
316. at the exact same second.Copy !req
317. Yes, I know. Sorry, I… I know.Copy !req
318. Well? What?Copy !req
319. It's just
that I was, uh, demoted at work,Copy !req
320. and, um… I was just wonderingCopy !req
321. if you could speak to TannerCopy !req
322. about me maybe getting
some work experience on his ship.Copy !req
323. - He… He won't listen to me.
- On Tanner's ship?Copy !req
324. Is that how you wanna live your life,
taking handouts to get what you want?Copy !req
325. Not working for it? I don't think so.Copy !req
326. - That's not how the Fall family works.Copy !req
327. No way.Copy !req
328. Jonathan, darling.Copy !req
329. Yes, Mom?Copy !req
330. Why don't you get out of the room
so that your father and I can finish?Copy !req
331. No offense,
but your presence is a huge, huge turnoff.Copy !req
332. Yes! Now, get the hell out!Copy !req
333. - Jesus. There we go.Copy !req
334. Oh, you're s… Okay, yes.
That's… That's my cue.Copy !req
335. Okay. We're here.Copy !req
336. Oh, and Liza,
try not to attract any attention please.Copy !req
337. - Just quick in and out, hmm?
- Sure thing, Pedro.Copy !req
338. You know me. I'll be discreet.Copy !req
339. Muy bien.Copy !req
340. So what can I do for you?Copy !req
341. My employer is looking for a captain
for a high-end cruise ship.Copy !req
342. Perfect. We have some
of the best candidates in the country.Copy !req
343. Great. We are
an unconventional cruise line,Copy !req
344. and we are all about
giving everyone a chance.Copy !req
345. - Sounds good.
- Yes.Copy !req
346. So I was hoping we could start
at the bottom of your deckCopy !req
347. and work our way up from there.Copy !req
348. So you want the worst candidate?Copy !req
349. Mm… Maybe.Copy !req
350. Well, the very worst candidate
is a man by the name of Jonathan Fall.Copy !req
351. He was at the bottom of his class,Copy !req
352. and he has all the qualities
that you're not looking for in a leader,Copy !req
353. as you can see here.Copy !req
354. Hmm. Gullibility through the roof,Copy !req
355. extremely low on natural authority,
alphaness, suspiciousness. Uh!Copy !req
356. - This seems like a great fit.
- Really?Copy !req
357. Wow, this is so great to hear.Copy !req
358. I'm gonna make a huge deal about this
and tell everyone.Copy !req
359. Hey. Please, please, Mrs. Porter.Copy !req
360. Discretion is of immense importance
to my employer.Copy !req
361. Are you kidding?
I'm already making an Instagram post.Copy !req
362. We have over 900,000 followers,
so the reach is pretty spectacular.Copy !req
363. This is bound to go viral,Copy !req
364. and you and your employer
will have your faces all over it.Copy !req
365. You know, I'm so sorry,
but we can't have that.Copy !req
366. - Ah!
- Sorry.Copy !req
367. Sorry. Uh, sorry. Sorry.Copy !req
368. Shit.Copy !req
369. Yeah, so, uh…Copy !req
370. Sorry.Copy !req
371. Merde.Copy !req
372. And… sorry.Copy !req
373. Smooth, Liza. Very smooth.Copy !req
374. Well, I'll be cocked.Copy !req
375. Jonathan!Copy !req
376. Darling!Copy !req
377. Breakfast is ready!Copy !req
378. - For me?
- Yes, for you, my little scoundrel.Copy !req
379. Johnny, good God,
we've missed you so much.Copy !req
380. - Since yesterday?
- Yes, since yesterday. Did you sleep okay?Copy !req
381. Oh… Okay. What? What is going on?Copy !req
382. Please, Mom, this is disgusting.
Ya… Revolting!Copy !req
383. What? I am not allowed
to tell my favorite sonCopy !req
384. that I love him and miss him?Copy !req
385. What? Love and miss Jonathan?Copy !req
386. I'm… I'm the favorite son. Dad, tell her.Copy !req
387. Sorry, Tanner.
We don't favor any of our children.Copy !req
388. But if I was to choose, which I won't,
right now it would be Jonathan.Copy !req
389. Me too.Copy !req
390. If I had to.
If I was pushed into a corner.Copy !req
391. Okay.
What kind of bizarre charade is this?Copy !req
392. You guys always say
that you dread the day he was born,Copy !req
393. and that he's a loser,
and that you hoped for so longCopy !req
394. that there was a mix-up at the hospital,
and you'd get your real child back.Copy !req
395. You always say that.Copy !req
396. That's enough, Tanner. Shoo! Shoo!Copy !req
397. You received this today
from the Caribbean Queen.Copy !req
398. You have received a formal job offerCopy !req
399. to be a captain!Copy !req
400. - Wow.
- What?Copy !req
401. What? We're kidding.
We're joking, right?Copy !req
402. Are we kidding? No? What are…
You'll be the worst captain on earth!Copy !req
403. I don't get it!Copy !req
404. It… It fits pretty great, doesn't it?Copy !req
405. My beautiful boy, I'm so proud of you.Copy !req
406. - Oh!Copy !req
407. Your car is here. Good luck… son.Copy !req
408. - Put that silly hand away.Copy !req
409. Get in here. Oh yeah.Copy !req
410. It's happening.Copy !req
411. Oh, damn. That's a warm and loving hug.Copy !req
412. - Your turn, Alexis.
- Huh. Oh…Copy !req
413. - Go on. You can do this.
- Yes, I know how to hug.Copy !req
414. I… Uh… Huh.Copy !req
415. - There it is.Copy !req
416. - Ha-ha.Copy !req
417. - So much love in the room.
- Mm.Copy !req
418. So much.Copy !req
419. Okay, yeah.Copy !req
420. Morning, Captain.
Let me take that for you.Copy !req
421. Oh, thank you very much.
That's, uh, me, Captain.Copy !req
422. - Bye-bye, son!
- Bye…Copy !req
423. - Great hug.
- …you!Copy !req
424. - Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad.
- Bye!Copy !req
425. - Bye-bye.
- Bye, Consuela. Oh, bye, Tanner.Copy !req
426. Huh.Copy !req
427. Wow.Copy !req
428. Very well.Copy !req
429. Very well indeed.Copy !req
430. - You see that, Bon Jovi?Copy !req
431. That is my new captain.Copy !req
432. The future of our enterprise.Copy !req