Californication 7x9

1. Previously on Californication...

2. You'd seriously pay...

3. $1 million to be inside of you again.

4. - That is fucked up. - I know!

5. - You're not gonna do it, are you? - I don't know yet.

6. We could really use the cash.

7. I'm on my way. How about you?

8. I will be, shortly. 30 minutes or less.

9. Hank, I don't want to wait for

10. what already promises to be a pretty unpleasant conversation.

11. I just got to see you smile before you go home, OK? One time?

12. I can't make any promises.

13. A drink with Karen. What's that all about?

14. Everything is so fucking crazy right now,

15. I don't feel like I can make the right move to save my life,

16. and she centres me.

17. Hank, shut up and listen to me.

18. I got to try to get through this without crying.

19. I'm at the hospital.

20. Karen was in a car accident.

21. What the fuck is wrong with me?

22. Why couldn't I have been on time?

23. Don't blame yourself, Hankie.

24. Why not? She was going to meet me.

25. Yeah, the guy was drunk. He came out of nowhere.

26. It could have happened anytime, anyplace.

27. Yeah, you know how many times I've driven around Venice fucked up?

28. It could've been me behind the wheel.

29. Yeah, maybe so. But that shit doesn't matter now.

30. This is where we are, and she's gonna be OK.

31. You don't know that.

32. How is she?

33. Some fucking drunk broadsided her.

34. She got pretty knocked around.

35. She's in and out of consciousness

36. and there might be some internal bleeding.

37. What can I do?

38. You can stop crying, for one.

39. I can do that.

40. I'm doing that. Right now.

41. OK, and you maybe could donate some blood.

42. She may need some.

43. Is there something else I can do?

44. Historically, I've been known to get a little bit woozy

45. when it comes to the giving of blood.

46. Maybe I won't be the right type.

47. I'm not a fucking pincushion, woman!

48. I didn't go in yet.

49. Really? You got to be kidding me.

50. It seemed like I felt every inch of that thing going in.

51. Now. Now it's going in.

52. A sensitive one, ain't you?

53. He's a fucking ninny, is what he is.

54. Woman's a fucking butcher, Hank.

55. Hey, how are you doing, buddy?

56. You hanging in there? Cos I'm here to help.

57. I feel a little woozy, though.

58. You know, fuck this!

59. Fuck, Karen. What are you doing?

60. Why are you being such an asshole about this?

61. I'm actually trying very hard to be the opposite of an asshole.

62. Well, you know what? You're not doing a very good job of it.

63. You're the one who brought it up, about me being a fucking asshole.

64. Yeah, well, because you're making it so fucking obvious

65. - that you don't want to go. - Really? How can you tell?

66. Is it because I've said it out loud many times?

67. Yet here I am going where I don't want to go, all right?

68. You know what, don't do me any favours, OK?

69. Because it's just our entire fucking future at stake.

70. Jesus Christ with the drama, Karen. Fuck!

71. Do you know how many times I've had to reschedule this appointment?

72. Do you know how many times I've put my fist through a wall about it?

73. You know, I lost count. But you could ask Becca.

74. Nice. Bring Becca into it.

75. Well, why shouldn't I bring Becca into it?

76. Isn't she the most important part of all this?

77. Isn't she the reason we should be trying to fix this shit?

78. Don't fuck with my shit, woman.

79. Have I always been such an asshole?

80. Different varieties of asshole.

81. Some more pernicious than others.

82. What the fuck happened to us?

83. What do you mean?

84. We were always... We were so great, you know.

85. We'd go out to dinner every other night.

86. I could've sworn we were gonna grow old together.

87. And now look at us.

88. We're still together.

89. Yeah. Yeah, you guys are really together.

90. You're so together

91. you're contemplating letting the love of your life

92. fuck some other guy for fun and profit.

93. Hey, Marcy's her own woman, Hank. I can't tell her what to do.

94. Yeah, you can. You can fight against that shit, Runks.

95. Why did you tell him about Stu's offer?

96. Is nothing private, Runkle?

97. He's my best friend. I needed his counsel.

98. It's a unique situation.

99. - You didn't tell Karen? - No!

100. She would totally frown upon that shit.

101. Right, she would, because she's a sane and responsible adult.

102. She always had a way of centring us.

103. She was the best thing that ever happened to me,

104. and I fucked it up again and again and again.

105. - Hank. - No, it's true, Marcy.

106. Instead of celebrating the fact that I was the luckiest guy on earth,

107. I just pushed her away,

108. figuring there'd always be time to work it out.

109. There is time.

110. No, what if there isn't? What if this is it?

111. You know, what if we ran out of time?

112. You can't go through with this Stu thing.

113. You'll never get over it.

114. There's some things you should never get over.

115. That him?

116. Hank.

117. "Hank," what? It's a simple question.

118. Save it for in there.

119. I can't believe I let you talk me into humiliating myself like this.

120. I'm out of here.

121. Hey, guys. Welcome.

122. Hi.

123. Let's dive in, shall we?

124. - Yeah. - What brings you to me?

125. She's having an affair.

126. Diving right in, indeed.

127. Jesus, Hank.

128. Well, that's why we're here, right?

129. To cut through the bullshit, get right to the heart of the matter.

130. - That's what I'm trying to do. - That's not the heart of the matter.

131. It's the heart of the matter to me.

132. It's what matters to my heart.

133. - It's the heart of my matter. - Karen's right, Hank.

134. Why did I know that you were gonna side with her immediately?

135. No, no, no. No sides here.

136. I'm just suggesting that

137. affairs are typically a symptom of a larger problem.

138. Really? Well, it seems like

139. a pretty big fucking problem in and of itself to me.

140. So let's hear from Karen.

141. Are you having an affair, Karen?

142. No, I wouldn't call it that.

143. How would you describe it?

144. He's a friend.

145. An emotional friend?

146. I suppose.

147. Holy shit, Karen. An emotional friend?

148. I want an emotional friend. Where do I get an emotional friend?

149. You had one.

150. Have you made love with him?

151. No.

152. But you've considered it?

153. Yeah.

154. I'm gonna punch a wall.

155. What's the sex like between the two of you?

156. - Infrequent. - Non-existent.

157. Hank, why do you think

158. Karen has developed an emotional bond with another man?

159. Maybe because the guy in question is,

160. Bill his name is, fucking dial tone.

161. He thinks she's hot and he wants to fuck her.

162. So he pretends to be interested in everything she's interested in

163. so he can get into her knickers, which works, trust me.

164. - With Karen, it works. - You know, it's really hard to have

165. - a meaningful conversation... - That's how you do it.

166. With someone who drinks himself into a stupor every night.

167. I don't see what's wrong with a nightcap.

168. Are you a big drinker, Hank?

169. What? Is this an intervention?

170. Do you consider yourself an alcoholic?

171. I thought we were here to talk about her emotional friend.

172. And all we're doing is talking about me.

173. What are you willing to change about yourself?

174. Why is this all about me?

175. It's not. You just seem the most defensive at the moment.

176. Don't smirk, Karen. It's unbecoming.

177. You know, what's really unbecoming

178. is the fact that we don't talk any more,

179. the fact that you bury yourself in your work,

180. and you go out every night

181. - drinking and flirting. - Karen.

182. And you... You come home totally wasted.

183. You never, ever see your daughter.

184. I have a movie in production.

185. - It's a big fucking deal. - So what?

186. Some significant others would be proud of that.

187. So what? Everyone's got a fucking movie in production.

188. I'm proud of that. That's not the problem.

189. So you show your pride by going out and finding an emotional friend.

190. And you seem to want to take advantage of your newfound station in life,

191. and you resent having a ball and chain at home.

192. No, I've never... I don't speak like that. I've never

193. - put it that way. - That's kind of what you mean.

194. - No, I don't. - That's what you think.

195. Do I cross paths with attractive women?

196. Yes.

197. Do I flirt with them? I suppose.

198. Do I want to fuck them?

199. - Yes. - Right?

200. Welcome to the wonderful world of being a fucking guy!

201. Well, why is it a guy thing? Maybe I feel that, too.

202. But I don't walk around trying to make them emotional friends

203. or considering actually fucking them all day long.

204. Actually. Jesus Christ, that is so gross.

205. I want to punch myself in the dick,

206. but I'm not going to, cos that would be inappropriate.

207. Hey, hey, hey, hey, man. It's only a dollar, man.

208. Here, I'll give you another one, you know, knock it off.

209. You know, try again. You don't even have to pay me back.

210. Sorry. I don't know what came over me.

211. Hey, you know, it's OK, I get it.

212. I've done it myself many times.

213. Maybe not so much swearing, though.

214. Yeah.

215. - Are you waiting on some news? - Yeah. You?

216. Yeah, yeah, man. You bet.

217. My wife, she's in surgery. Cancer.

218. We've seen the inside of this place a lot the last couple of years.

219. I'm sorry. My lady's back there, too, somewhere.

220. Well, they say waiting is the hardest part.

221. Truer words have never been spoken or sung.

222. How long you been married?

223. Not married.

224. Just together on and off for forever, really.

225. We weren't on the best of terms when this happened.

226. Hey, man, I've been married 44 years.

227. And you're not always gonna be on the best of terms.

228. 44 years.

229. Well done, sir.

230. Well, you know, it takes time.

231. But once you get on the other side of all the bullshit

232. you realise that this is what it's all about all along.

233. Having a friend to hold your hand while life kicks you in the ass

234. and reminds you that that body of yours is just on loan.

235. Yeah, sometimes you see things really clearly,

236. and then just, it gets cloudy again.

237. Hey, well, that's life, kid.

238. I mean, if it was easy, we would never fuck up.

239. We wouldn't have any regrets, we'd have perfect kids,

240. and we'd spend every second of every day being happy.

241. Now, you know anybody like that?

242. No, cos I sure in the hell don't.

243. You know, you take it easy on this thing.

244. A boy called me "weird" today.

245. You are weird.

246. - Bad weird? - Beautiful weird.

247. And I will totally kick that boy's butt if you want me to.

248. No.

249. - He's kind of cute. - Gross.

250. You are way too young to say such things.

251. It seems like boys and girls make the world go around.

252. Not only are you beautiful weird but you're also wicked smart.

253. I've made a pretty decent living writing about boys and girls.

254. Speaking of boys and girls...

255. Yes?

256. Are you and Mom going to get a divorce?

257. How can we get divorced? We're not even married.

258. You know what I mean.

259. I do. Not if I can help it, baby girl.

260. You can help it.

261. - Yeah? - By not fighting so much.

262. I know, I'm sorry.

263. But it's weird.

264. Other times you guys seem like you really love each other,

265. like in the movies.

266. It's not like in the movies.

267. What about TV?

268. No, not TV or movies.

269. Mommies and daddies have their work cut out for them.

270. I don't see why it's so hard.

271. I'm glad you don't.

272. You got plenty of time to learn that lesson.

273. I don't understand why you guys get so mad at each other.

274. How many times you going to punch the wall?

275. I'm not going to do that any more.

276. - You promise? - I promise.

277. You know why else? Cos it really hurts.

278. Race you home?

279. Race you home.

280. Poor Hankie.

281. This really puts it all in perspective.

282. How do you mean?

283. We've been obsessed with all the wrong stuff.

284. You know, the only thing that matters

285. is that you're healthy, you're OK,

286. and you're right here next to me, right now.

287. You're right, Runks,

288. but we got to go home sometime, and we're still gonna need money.

289. - You know what I mean? - There has got to be a better way.

290. And we'll find it, I promise.

291. OK. Yeah.

292. This kind of thing does put everything into perspective.

293. I mean...

294. Why the fuck do we make such a big deal out of sex?

295. If that was you in there right now, I wouldn't give a shit,

296. if you spanked your secretary or fucked the nanny.

297. It all just melts away.

298. I only care that you're OK.

299. Do you know what I mean?

300. Yeah.

301. I mean, if I had been more understanding of the fact that

302. you got some serious kink in you,

303. then we never would have fallen down this rabbit hole to begin with.

304. Yeah, yeah. But I should have been able to control myself.

305. Yeah, but like it or not, it's just the way we're wired.

306. If some hot, young thing asks you to spank her,

307. you're gonna get a fucking boner.

308. You're gonna fucking jerk off to it.

309. It is just the law of the fucking jungle.

310. I really hate that you're making so much sense right now.

311. I know. It's so annoying, right?

312. I mean, like, if Stu texted me a picture of his ween right now,

313. I'd probably get a little wet,

314. but that is purely out of reflex.

315. I didn't need that, Marcy.

316. But it's true, right?

317. I mean, we all have things that trigger our arousal,

318. and if we just acknowledge them as normal

319. and not deny them,

320. then we could just move the fuck on with our lives!

321. Jesus, Runkle.

322. Look alive, Runks.

323. Well, that was a... That was a really positive experience.

324. I feel really good about the state of our relationship right now.

325. Says the guy who put his fist through a wall.

326. Do not be changing my shit, woman.

327. Hank, don't be such a child.

328. Don't be such a fucking nag!

329. You know what? Don't put me in that box, OK?

330. Just because you refuse to grow up,

331. it does not turn me into a nag.

332. God, Hank, you're so fucking selfish.

333. I mean, everything revolves around you, you know?

334. It's all about what you will do, what you won't do.

335. It's... This is your life

336. and we're just all these supporting characters in it.

337. Yeah, look who's giving the performance of a lifetime right now.

338. I don't want to do this any more. It's so fucking miserable.

339. It is fucking miserable.

340. Fuck me!

341. - You OK? - I'm fine.

342. - Sorry about that. - Me, too.

343. We could've fucking died back there, Karen.

344. Pretty much.

345. Cos of your taste in music.

346. We weren't fighting over music, Hank.

347. I know, but it just all seems so silly now.

348. - All of it. - I know.

349. Where did we go wrong?

350. We were perfect once. I would swear to that.

351. We've been in it awhile. We have a child.

352. We're not special.

353. I mean, I know your writer's brain wants to make us into

354. some love story of the ages or something.

355. - That's cos we are. - Maybe, maybe.

356. But we still need to work at it, you know,

357. just like the rest of the world.

358. It's not gonna figure itself out.

359. We need to...

360. I don't know.

361. It's been a long time since it was just about fiery sex.

362. Yeah.

363. It was never just about fiery sex, Karen.

364. The sex was pretty fiery, though, wasn't it?

365. I don't want to talk about sex.

366. I kind of do.

367. Isn't that what we're talking about? Is a compromise?

368. Shut up.

369. And kiss you? Done.

370. Done.

371. Help.

372. Hello.

373. Hi, Sister.

374. What brings you in?

375. My wife was in a car accident.

376. I'm very sorry. Is she going to be OK?

377. Don't know now.

378. Are you a religious person?

379. Not really,

380. which is weird because I often dream about

381. being in a place like this, but in real life, not so much.

382. Is there anything I can do for you?

383. Would you like to talk?

384. No, I'm good.

385. I was just kind of looking for a new place to sit and wait.

386. Are you of any particular faith?

387. I'm a writer, you know.

388. So I believe in sitting down,

389. shutting my eyes and hoping for the best.

390. But beyond that not really, no.

391. Well, that sounds like a pretty good definition of prayer to me.

392. Sister, I don't... I don't think the man upstairs

393. would be too interested in hearing from me.

394. I've been a particularly wayward son.

395. Everyone says that.

396. No, no, no. I'm a blasphemous mess.

397. If there's a top 10 most unwanted list up there,

398. I could very well be on it.

399. Maybe so.

400. But right now you just seem like a man who loves his wife.

401. I do.

402. I really do. And...

403. I mean, we're not even married. You know, we live in sin.

404. We had a child together, broke up,

405. got back together, broke up, lather, rinse, repeat, you know.

406. You really are a wayward son.

407. I told you.

408. You're very pleasant, Sister. Very agreeable.

409. Yeah.

410. Sit. Close your eyes. Hope for the best.

411. That's what I'm talking about.

412. We just made the fuck, woman.

413. No, I'm gonna amend that.

414. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say we made some love just then.

415. And you know how much I hate that phrase.

416. But we made that shit.

417. We made that shit right here

418. in our own little private Idaho of sin and sex juices and...

419. OK, have you finished?

420. I could go on for hours. I've just started.

421. Do you think it's possible?

422. To go again?

423. Yeah, just... Just give me five minutes or four.

424. No, actually, I'm ready to go now.

425. - Let's do... - No, no, no.

426. Do you think it's possible, you know, happily ever after?

427. Yeah, baby. I just think...

428. We got to bottle this feeling

429. and bust it out every time things get a little cloudy.

430. Yeah, cos that really works, right?

431. Couples who have great sex,

432. they always make it to the finish line.

433. - Do they? - We're gonna make it, Karen.

434. How do you know?

435. Cos I love you to death.

436. - Really? - I'm sure of that.

437. I love you, too.

438. Come here.

439. You ready?

440. Yes.

441. - Doctor. - Yeah, in a minute.

442. Hankie.

443. She has a concussion.

444. Jesus!

445. But there's no internal bleeding.

446. She'll be here for a couple days, but...

447. She's a very lucky girl.

448. My God.

449. - Thank God. Thank God. - Can we see her?

450. One of you can go back. Are you the husband?

451. Yes. Yes, he's the fucking husband.

452. Go see your fucking wife.

453. This way.

454. My God. Honey.

455. - No. Not here. - Not here? OK, OK.

456. This doesn't change anything, you know.

457. I'm still pissed at you.

458. I wouldn't have it any other way.

459. - Hey. - Hey, baby.

460. - Hello, sir. Good to see you. - Finally.

461. I interviewed a new assistant today.

462. What was wrong with the old one?

463. Well, the agency caught him looking at porn on the computer.

464. - Gross. - Is that a crime now?

465. Maybe they were afraid he was beating off at work.

466. I don't know.

467. That's fucking foul, Charlie.

468. Jerking off at work. Save that shit for the shower.

469. I do not like to stand up and masturbate.

470. Looking down, seeing my own belly, it takes me out of the game.

471. Looking down and seeing your great white underbelly

472. would take me out of the game, too.

473. It's understandable.

474. And yet, I love to sit down when I pee.

475. What do you think about that, Karen? That's weird.

476. - Hey, hey, guy or girl assistant? - Girl.

477. She's got funky hair, Hank, and tattoos all over.

478. Hey, hey, hey, hey, you be careful, Runks.

479. Don't go dipping your helmet into that shit. I'll bite it off.

480. Trust me, I will.

481. And you can't afford to lose an inch off that thing.

482. - I trust you, Marcella. - OK.

483. Hey, we've been trying to get you guys out on the town for weeks.

484. What gives? Why now? Why?

485. Hello? Hello?

486. Nothing. Just some days you see everything clearly.

487. We almost died today.

488. And then we went home and fucked each other's brains out,

489. which put us in a pretty good mood.

490. And gave us an appetite.

491. How many times a week do you guys fuck?

492. Because Runks and I are starting to slump.

493. - Hey, now. - What? It's true.

494. Karenina, you don't think I'm starting to go through the change, do you?

495. - Because I still get really wet. - Starting?

496. Yes, yes, you do. I think that's what makes me pop so fast.

497. You see, this is why we don't go out,

498. because every time we do,

499. Charlie says something that makes me throw up in my mouth.

500. She started it.

501. Hey, well, try living with that shit.

502. - Try living with that shit. I didn't. - Not me.

503. Hey, you think we'll be doing this years from now?

504. Why wouldn't we be?

505. We're the best friends in the whole wide world.

506. We have got tons more business to do, my friend.

507. We are not done taking this town by storm.

508. I'm not sure if this town is done taking us by storm. From behind.

509. - Always. - Not so much as a reach-around.

510. Boys and girls...

511. We're cheers-ing.

512. To hard cocks, wet pussies,

513. bald heads, smurfs and weathering the storm.

514. L'chaim.

515. - Are you Jewish? - Gesundheit.

516. I'm not sure if it's the whisky talking,

517. but I fucking love you guys.

518. Fucking love you, too.

519. Especially you.

520. - They're doing it. - You should kiss me now.

521. - We're kissing. - I think so, we have to.

522. That's a good salad dressing.