Californication 7x7

1. Fuck off. Go away.

2. Previously on Californication...

3. And what's this big fan gonna do for me?

4. Hey, you. I'm somebody's mother.

5. You're not mine, love.

6. This is Chris. He's in my yoga class.

7. Bye, bye now.

8. My dick isn't working.

9. I can't make sweet love to my wife.

10. You have another family.

11. The bottom has just officially dropped out of our relationship.

12. I have a proposal for you.

13. I want to sleep with Marcy again.

14. What is wrong with you?

15. I don't know.

16. What the fuck?

17. I'm so grateful to you for giving me an acting job

18. but if the job comes with strings attached,

19. then I cannot and will not do it.

20. I'm broke, Hank.

21. The kind of broke that forces a man to do something desperate.

22. Nikki, I'm paying you very good money to be my date tonight.

23. I just wanted to make a little extra cash.

24. He said that Hank would take care of it.

25. You got him a hooker?

26. We never should've moved to L.A.

27. Oh, my God. That's so good.

28. Yeah, I love it when you pull...

29. - You again? - Hello, Hank.

30. - What the fuck is this? - None of your business.

31. I'm not sure that's entirely true, Karen.

32. What are you doing here?

33. That's none of your fucking business.

34. OK, let's get out.

35. No, if you must know,

36. I came by to give you an ounce or two of satisfaction.

37. Julia found out about the whole hooker thing,

38. and she was most displeased.

39. She slapped me, hard.

40. - Good for her. - I also came by to give you this.

41. - What the fuck is this? - I got paid for my episode,

42. and I thought you might need a little moolah.

43. I don't see you working very much, and even when you are,

44. you're just working on your little sketches

45. and playing with your little models, and that can't be very lucrative.

46. What the fuck are you doing?

47. You cannot buy my forgiveness.

48. Not trying to buy anything, Karen, least of all your forgiveness.

49. I haven't done anything wrong.

50. Could you leave, please?

51. I would, but I don't feel like we've settled anything.

52. - There is nothing to settle, Hank. - Hank.

53. I believe the lady asked you to leave.

54. Do not start with me, yoga man.

55. You are very rude, Hank.

56. - I'm rude? I'm rude? - He's rude. Very rude.

57. I'm onto your shtick. I know what you do.

58. You prey on all these heartbroken, horny Westside women.

59. This Westside woman is not heartbroken.

60. I notice you didn't say "Not horny," Karen.

61. You know what they call that? That's a sin of omission.

62. - Let's go. - Hey, don't get handsy with me, bro.

63. You need to leave.

64. Fuck, that hurt.

65. Yeah. That's right.

66. That happened.

67. - Did you get in a fight? - Shut up. Where's Levon?

68. He called in sick today.

69. - Where's Rath? - He's eating in his office.

70. Is that normal?

71. Only when he's seriously pissed off about something.

72. Has he given you notes yet?

73. No, radio silence. Is that normal?

74. Happens to me all the time.

75. Sometimes, he doesn't say anything at all

76. and then rewrites every word.

77. Maybe he just doesn't like your writing.

78. No, no, no, he loves my writing.

79. Bullshit. He hates your writing.

80. He says that out loud.

81. That's really mean, Alonzo.

82. It's not me saying it. I don't hate your writing.

83. I hate your writing.

84. Sit and spin, Terry.

85. - Sit and spin. - Wait, I like your writing, sweetie.

86. When you're not trying too hard to be cool.

87. Which is a lot.

88. Stop looking at me like that.

89. Page one rewrite.

90. - Oh, no. - Jesus, that bad?

91. I may not be happy with you right now, Hank,

92. for a variety of damn good reasons,

93. but I'm too much of a professional to let that shit influence the read.

94. The writing's fine.

95. Little smart-alecky, maybe like,

96. you're trying too hard to be cool like fuckin' Hugh over there.

97. That is the meanest thing anybody's ever said to me.

98. But here's the real problem, I just got off the phone with Julia.

99. She doesn't want the part. We don't have time to recast.

100. This is a fucking thread-puller.

101. Without her, the whole story falls apart,

102. so cancel your plans, cos we're staying in tonight.

103. Gang bang.

104. - Hi. - What are you doing here?

105. Came here to try to talk some sense into you, woman.

106. Yeah, I think you just don't want to rewrite your script.

107. You enjoying the view, pal?

108. Behave yourself, Lou.

109. It's not about not rewriting a script.

110. It's about me trying to prevent you from not chasing your dreams.

111. I don't want you to look back and have any regrets.

112. I have regrets. I have tons of regrets.

113. I'm trying to minimise those regrets

114. by not being around you, or Rick Rath or Hashtag Black.

115. You're all crazy people.

116. I knew it was too good to be true.

117. Nobody ever does anything decent for another person,

118. without wanting something in return.

119. - Especially a guy. - Wow.

120. Hello, hello. What's all this?

121. It's Levon's dad.

122. So this is Levon's father.

123. Yeah, there hasn't been a test or anything yet,

124. but I am proceeding as though I am, yes.

125. Dr Daniel Allen, DDS. You can call me Dr Dan.

126. If I must. Nice to meet you, dental Dan. Hank.

127. Let me handle this, Julia. Will you step into my office, Hank?

128. Well, I've been eager to meet you, Hank.

129. - You have? - Yes, I have.

130. Why?

131. Well, because Julia means a great deal to this office, Hank,

132. and from what I gather,

133. you are a serious threat to her happiness and well-being,

134. which is ultimately a serious threat to my happiness and well-being.

135. You have designs on her, don't you?

136. I don't know what you're insinuating.

137. I'm insinuating that you're one horny fuckin' dentist, Dr Dan.

138. Well, I am quite fond of her, if that's what you mean.

139. Of course. She's quite fond-able.

140. All right. You know, I...

141. I didn't want to be an astronaut when I grew up, Hank.

142. I didn't wanna play for the Yankees.

143. Not me, I wanted to be a dentist,

144. and I wanted to marry a busty, blonde hygienist.

145. Oh, my.

146. When Julia walked in my office that very first time,

147. I knew she was the one.

148. Is she aware of her role in your manifest destiny?

149. Well, we haven't discussed it per se, but chemistry is quite palpable.

150. We are very good for one another, we're a team.

151. Isn't that the very definition of a great relationship, teamwork?

152. I thought it was laughter, hot sex and the occasional Dutch oven.

153. At least that's what my grandma always said.

154. Yeah. Look, don't...

155. Just please don't get her hopes up

156. with this acting hoo-ha, Hank, all right?

157. It's cruel.

158. Look, I'm glad we had this talk.

159. Me too, Dr Dan, me fuckin' too.

160. Hey, can you do me a favour?

161. Just stay away from the office, OK?

162. We're all about preserving smiles here,

163. you know, "Miles of smiles." That's my motto.

164. - You got it? - Yeah, I got it.

165. OK.

166. Here you go.

167. - Thank you very much. - You're welcome.

168. My lunch today.

169. Krull?

170. Hey, how's it going, Churchill?

171. What are you doing here?

172. What do you think I'm doing here?

173. Why aren't you on the road with Atticus right now?

174. I've retired.

175. I drove Hank back to see his lady,

176. and I found myself not wanting to turn around

177. and go back on the road with that fucking nut case.

178. I've had enough, pal.

179. Been round the world too many times. Too many lunatics.

180. Hank inspired me to look up the love of my own life.

181. Really?

182. That's fantastic. How'd that work out for you?

183. Not so great. Turns out she's dead.

184. - Bummer. - Yeah, how'd it work out for Hank?

185. Not so great, yeah.

186. I mean, she's alive and everything, but, wasn't so keen on rekindling.

187. It's a long story.

188. Oh, well.

189. Time to relax.

190. Time to work on me motorbikes and me memoirs.

191. I bet you've seen some shit, huh, Krull?

192. Oh, I've seen some shit all right, mate.

193. The dirty life and times of a rock and roll butler.

194. Yeah? Who is it you've worked for?

195. - Well, Atticus, obviously. - Obviously.

196. Let's see now,

197. Bowie, Stones, Bad Company,

198. Hendrix, Paul McCartney, Ringo, Fleetwood Mac, The Eagles.

199. Wow.

200. Pistols, Motörhead, Mötley Crüe, Clapton, Sabbath, Ozzy.

201. Jesus, that's gonna be some fuckin' memoir.

202. It's a storied life, gov.

203. Have you written any of it down?

204. Yeah, all of it, stacks in pages.

205. I don't think I'm much of a writer, though.

206. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll be the judge of that.

207. Are there some pages I could look at?

208. Sure, I suppose.

209. Cool, let's go.

210. What, now?

211. I'm bleedin' working.

212. There's no time like the present, Krull.

213. - What are you doing? - I don't know.

214. Really needed a "me" day.

215. - You did, did ya? - Yeah.

216. Shit's fucked up around here right now.

217. Mom's all pissed, she's talking about moving back to New York,

218. thinks I've lost my morals.

219. She doesn't realise I never really had any in the first place.

220. I gotta convince her to do this thing, and when I say "I", I mean "we".

221. She doesn't want to do it.

222. She thinks show business is all fucked up and corruptive and shit.

223. She's right.

224. She doesn't even want me to work for the show any more.

225. She thinks you're a bad influence on me.

226. - I am. - It's cool, though.

227. She says pack it up and move back home, I'll just move in with you.

228. - What? - Yeah.

229. I'll move in with you, at Charlie's.

230. Or we'll get our own place. How fucking cool will that be?

231. Here. Here.

232. That Dr Dan is a real fuckin' creeper.

233. I hate that fuckin' guy.

234. He's always staring at Mom's tits, trying to be buddies with me.

235. I call him Dr Dick.

236. Well played.

237. Mom gets real mad, though.

238. She says I have to respect my elders, but that guy creeps me the fuck out.

239. Yeah.

240. - We gotta do something. - Yeah, we do, definitely.

241. Well, tomorrow's another day, right?

242. This is really cool, smoking weed with you and shit.

243. - Get up, we gotta go. - What?

244. Yeah, you got a toothache, you gotta see the dentist.

245. I'm not going anywhere, I'm high as fuck right now.

246. That's why you called in sick today. The bad tooth. Come on.

247. - I did? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

248. But he's so sad without you, miss.

249. I know, I know, Irma, but he let some C-list skank blow him.

250. - What was I supposed to do? - Nada, he's just a man.

251. His pene grande make him do stupid things.

252. You come back? You put perfect?

253. Marcy, is that you?

254. Please tell me you're not a mirage.

255. What's the deal with the hookers, Stu?

256. - You found out about that. - Yeah.

257. You sent one of them to me to get her snatch waxed. Hello.

258. Yeah, that's right.

259. I did put in a good word for you.

260. I thought maybe you could use the biz.

261. Well, thanks for your concern, over my financial well-being,

262. but why are you banging hookers all of a sudden?

263. Well...

264. I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone, Marcy.

265. - You broke my heart. - I broke...

266. You broke my heart. You cheated on me.

267. Two very rough and toothy blowjobs, Marcy, not silky like yours.

268. The orgasms were painful.

269. It was like cumming into a broken beer bottle.

270. I don't want to get into this shit with you, Stu.

271. You know I have my needs.

272. Yeah, I know all about your needs, you're fucking insatiable.

273. Yeah, well, you have got to get the toxins out, Marcy.

274. Somehow, some way.

275. It's the only thing that'll clear a man's head.

276. And so no muss, no fuss.

277. You know, it's a very honest transaction.

278. And it is an incredible business.

279. I mean, they make so much money.

280. Yeah, well, you're doing TV now.

281. I guess it was only a matter of time before you got into prostitution.

282. Well, that is low, Marcy, and it is completely unfounded.

283. When is the last time you saw a good movie?

284. This was a bad idea.

285. Wait, wait, wait, OK.

286. Why have you come here?

287. Something must have drawn you to me.

288. OK, I had this crazy idea that I was gonna ask you for a loan,

289. but Charlie was right. No fucking way.

290. No, no, I don't do loans, Marcy.

291. But I would pay you.

292. For what?

293. - To have sex with me? - Yeah.

294. $1 million to be inside of you again.

295. I'm not a fucking prostitute, Stu.

296. I know, that's why you're such a high value target.

297. OK, so, you'd seriously pay $1 million to fuck me?

298. Yeah.

299. In a heartbeat.

300. And it would be the most delicious orgasm of my life,

301. and all of the money would go to my favourite charity.

302. You.

303. Jesus.

304. I don't know whether to be flattered or throw the fuck up.

305. Or maybe you could just let me smell you for a few minutes.

306. - OK. - I could go pleasure myself.

307. How much could I pay you for that?

308. You are a sad and desperate man, Stu.

309. I am.

310. I fucked up.

311. The palace is crumbling without you, Marcy.

312. Marcy.

313. - Hello, Rhonda. - Levon.

314. Honey, are you all right?

315. - I have a really bad toothache. - Yeah.

316. Really bad.

317. Have either of you been smoking marijuana?

318. No way.

319. Yeah, well, how come it smells like a rock concert in here all of a sudden?

320. Oh, no, listen.

321. Go brush your teeth, your mother's gonna be furious.

322. Honey, what's wrong?

323. It seems like an impacted molar situation, but what do I know?

324. Are you sure you have a toothache?

325. Not really. Hank made me say it.

326. Asshole.

327. Have you been smoking pot?

328. Yeah, I kinda needed a "me" day.

329. I understand.

330. Why are you so understanding of his flaws, but not mine?

331. Cos he's my son, and you're just an amoral prick.

332. I may be an unconventional parent,

333. and father does not always know best,

334. but my heart is in the right place. I see a problem, I try to fix it.

335. Levon was a virgin, that was bugging him.

336. He's no longer a virgin. I remedied that shit.

337. But you, you're a bigger problem, cos you're...

338. You're running away from your dream. Why? Cos you're scared.

339. - Oh, I'm not scared, no. - Yes, you are scared, you are.

340. I just don't like what's happened ever since you've come into our lives,

341. and I don't want a job just cos some guy wants to fuck me.

342. Everybody wants to fuck you. Get used to it.

343. That's your lot in life.

344. "Woe is me. Everybody wants to fuck me."

345. You think this place is any different from a TV show?

346. Dr Dan has designs on you too, you know.

347. - No, what are you talking about? - Yeah.

348. He wants to make you his busty blonde hygienist bride.

349. - That's ridiculous. - It's not ridiculous, Julia.

350. Dr Dan, not you too.

351. I'm afraid so, Julia, but you can't pretend that you don't feel it.

352. - Feel what, exactly? - Wha...

353. The flow of energy between us.

354. I really love working for you.

355. Yes, but it's more than that.

356. It's the electricity that comes from...

357. Knowing you've found your soul mate.

358. Oh, God, we never even went on a date.

359. I wasn't prepared for this to happen today, Julia, but

360. it seems this moment wants to be seized.

361. So, here in front of my patients, and my staff,

362. I vow to provide you with the most wonderful life.

363. Girl...

364. Happy wife, happy life.

365. Dude, you're not proposing to my mom right now.

366. This is not cool. Mom, don't you dare say yes to him.

367. Julia, let me take care of you. Let me ease your burden.

368. I know being a single mother has taken its toll on you,

369. and it's robbed you of your youth, if not your beauty.

370. I know Levon, he presents a great many challenges,

371. but I do believe in time I can learn to love him as if he were my own.

372. He's already got someone learning to do that, this guy.

373. Yeah, I already have a father, and he's not a fucking creeper.

374. Watch your language, son.

375. I will not tolerate that kind of talk in my home.

376. I don't blame you, though.

377. It's obvious you just need a positive male role model.

378. - Hey. - Levon. Levon.

379. You chubby, little fucking asshole.

380. Hey, don't talk to my son like...

381. Oh, my gosh.

382. My tooth.

383. You broke my fuckin' tooth. You're a goddamn animal.

384. That's right, motherfucker.

385. - I still got it. I still got it. - Way to go, Dad.

386. I still got it.

387. Look what I found.

388. Julia. Have you had a change of heart?

389. I'm in, I'm all in.

390. - Yeah. - Music to my ears.

391. Gang bang averted, kids.

392. Yes.

393. - I fuckin' love gang bangs. - Thank God.

394. I had some notes on the script,

395. some thoughts about my character.

396. - What do you... - What kind of thoughts?

397. Thank you very much, Hank. I really appreciate it.

398. It was the least I could do.

399. And, well, maybe I was withholding a little bit about the writing.

400. You did a good job. You did a really good job.

401. - Not like Hugh? - Not like Hugh.

402. Thank goodness.

403. - What? - Don't forget what we talked about.

404. Oh, yeah. Levon was a big help today.

405. In fact, I couldn't have done it without him, and we were wondering

406. if maybe he could audition for a small part at some point.

407. - Yeah. - You know, just read for it.

408. What do you think?

409. - Didn't you call in sick today? - Yeah.

410. He needed a "me" day.

411. And you fucked in my pool.

412. Yeah, I am really sorry about that.

413. It was kind of like, a bucket list thing.

414. Yeah, you can read for something.

415. - Awesome. - At some point, maybe.

416. - Say thank you. - Thank you so much.

417. - Look him in the eye. - You will not regret it, sir.

418. - All right. - Don't mention it.

419. Welcome back.

420. I'm confused if this was the same day as that,

421. or a different time the same day.

422. Marcy, hey, you remember Krull, right?

423. Hello, missus.

424. What the fuck is he doing here?

425. Why are you being so rude to a guest in our home?

426. Because the last time this guest was in our home,

427. he asked me to give him suction.

428. OK. Well...

429. It wasn't exactly our home at that time, if you recall.

430. Yeah, and the last time I was here,

431. Atticus was eating a chocolate bar out your front bottom.

432. - Jesus. - He was, actually, Marcy.

433. Charlie, I need to speak with you for a moment.

434. Won't you please excuse us?

435. Be right back, Krull. Just a second.

436. We're having a business meeting in there.

437. I know.

438. - Wasn't a social hour. - Listen, listen, listen.

439. What if I told you

440. I know how we can get out from under our current financial crisis?

441. I do too. Krull has a memoir.

442. He has the most incredible stories, Marcy.

443. He's been a rock and roll butler.

444. I can sell that shit. I know I can.

445. For how much?

446. Probably not so much, but for something, you know?

447. You know, something enough to put us back on the road to Wellville.

448. OK.

449. What if I told you I know how we could make a million dollars?

450. You been talking to Stu.

451. How did you know?

452. Because he made me the same offer.

453. Why didn't you tell me?

454. Because it's disgusting, Marcy.

455. And crazy, and not at all how human beings are supposed to behave.

456. That's bullshit, Charlie.

457. If a client gets an offer, you fucking bring it to them.

458. I'm not your fucking pimp, Marcy.

459. OK, look, I was pissed when he first told me about it, OK?

460. - Yeah. - But when I was driving home,

461. I started to think about it, and I thought,

462. "What is the big fucking deal? I fucked that guy, like, 1,000 times."

463. You're not supposed to do it again.

464. It's against human nature.

465. Why?

466. What if you enjoy it?

467. Well, I probably will, to some extent,

468. but I don't love him, Charlie.

469. I love you. OK?

470. I don't think I ever loved Stu,

471. I liked being loved by him, and

472. it felt good after all the stupid shit that we've been through,

473. and if the guy wants to stick it in me for a million bucks,

474. and that million bucks keeps us afloat for years to come,

475. baby, what is the big fucking deal?

476. I guess when you put it like that...

477. - OK, are you? - I am.

478. - Why? - I don't know.

479. I guess it's all this talk of illicit sex, or something.

480. - OK, come on, let's go. - Where?

481. To fucky town. Come on.

482. This is too weird, Marcy.

483. We're talking about you fucking another guy for money.

484. Ours is not to reason why, Charlie,

485. ours is to take advantage of that hard thing and fuck it.

486. - Come here. - OK, God.

487. OK.

488. Not too fast. OK.

489. Yes. Baby.

490. No.

491. - This is so fucked up. - Yeah.

492. But it's kinda hot though.

493. I'll say.

494. Come on.

495. All right, I'm going to bed. I'm fucking baked.

496. - Good night, Mom. - Good night, baby.

497. Good night, Dad.

498. - We're kissing now? - Yeah.

499. - Whatevs. - OK, love you guys.

500. Love you, baby.

501. Look at him. He's so happy.

502. Why wouldn't he be happy?

503. His mom is happy, Dr Dick is out of the pic.

504. He's stoned.

505. Order has been restored to his universe.

506. Thanks for never taking no for an answer.

507. It's what I do.

508. I should go.

509. - Don't go. - Why not?

510. Well, you've ingested enough whisky and weed to stun a horse.

511. Oh, yeah. That is true, there's that.

512. You know, you were right.

513. I'm always right. What was I right about?

514. I'm scared, but I'm not scared about acting or not acting.

515. I'm scared about having feelings for you again.

516. Cos he's so happy having you in his life,

517. and seeing him happy makes me happy.

518. It just reminds me of a time before everything got so fucking serious.

519. You're just as funny and cute as you ever were.

520. I know.

521. It's really unfair to be this charming, isn't it?

522. I'm like a bioterrorist of love.

523. - Or not. - Shut up.

524. Yeah, I'm gonna shut up. I'll shut up.

525. - You know what this calls for? - What?

526. - Tickle fight. - No. Not that, no.

527. I'm too ticklish. Stop it.

528. Your tits are too big, I can't get to your armpits, they're blocked.

529. Oh, my God.

530. Stop it!

531. That's so weird.

532. Didn't we say that was a bad idea and that we shouldn't do that again?

533. - Yeah. - Yeah, we did.

534. All right, I'm gonna go.

535. No, I'm gonna take a cab.

536. I'm sorry, but I'm not taking no for an answer.