Californication 7x5

1. Previously on Californication...

2. You have a surprisingly big dick.

3. But that doesn't make me want to be with you, Levon.

4. I'm not saying what he did is right,

5. but I get where he's coming from.

6. You know, he's a guy. He just wants to get laid.

7. It's totally normal.

8. You have another family.

9. The bottom has just officially dropped out of our relationship!

10. Have you ever given any thought to taking on a manager?

11. I could totally see us working together.

12. You help me get the show out from under Rath, and I'm all yours.

13. There is nothing limp dick about you, Charlie.

14. I mean, she's so beautiful.

15. Is it cool if I pursue her?

16. You're not looking to rekindle?

17. - No, no, not at all. - Why not?

18. - This is... - It's a terrible idea.

19. A terrible idea.

20. Hey! You rang?

21. Yeah. How's that outline going?

22. Not great.

23. It's kind of like having an impacted bowel

24. and you're forced to stick your finger up your ass

25. and pry the shit out one dry, flaky chunk at a time,

26. except with words.

27. - Thank you for that. - You're welcome.

28. Didn't know you played.

29. Just enough to know how much I suck.

30. Copy that, motherfucker.

31. I am going out on a date with Julia tonight.

32. The real reason you summoned me.

33. Maybe. You OK with that?

34. If the lady's cool with it, I'm cool with it.

35. What about the kid? You think he'll be cool with it?

36. I thought you didn't care about such things.

37. You wanted to see me, Mr Rath, sir?

38. Yeah, hey! Come in, come in.

39. Have a seat.

40. - How you doing, buddy? - Couldn't be better.

41. - Good. - Want some chocolate?

42. No, thank you.

43. Listen... I wanted you to know

44. that I'm taking your mom out tonight.

45. - Hank supports it. - Yeah, I... I know all about it.

46. - What, she told you? - Yeah.

47. We tell each other everything.

48. Everything?

49. Pretty much, yeah.

50. One time, my Aunt Jesse stayed with us for a few days,

51. and it was right around the time I started jerking off.

52. So she leaves a pair of her panties behind.

53. I used to sniff 'em while I hit it.

54. Really enhanced the orgasm, you know?

55. Then I started to feel, like, weird and guilty about it,

56. so I told my mom.

57. She was so fucking cool about it.

58. She was pretty hot for an aunt, though, Aunt Jesse.

59. Maybe I should rethink this thing.

60. No, no. Don't. Look, look, my mom's a great lady.

61. She... She deserves to have fun with men.

62. Gross. Just be cool, OK?

63. Anyone can be a dick. Be a gentleman, you know?

64. Think about it like if I was gonna date your mom.

65. I don't want to think about it like that.

66. My mom is dead.

67. My God, I'm so sorry. I had no idea.

68. Was she hot?

69. Holy shit.

70. Hey, you know, the good news here

71. is I'm totally free to hang tonight.

72. What do you want to do?

73. So who recommended you?

74. Mommy! Why are you hurting that lady's "bagina"?

75. Stuart, I told you to stay in your room. Mommy's working.

76. It's OK, honey. She's not hurting it.

77. I mean, it hurts a little bit.

78. Actually, it hurts a lot. But she's just taking the hair off.

79. OK, yeah, he doesn't need to...

80. Why are you taking the hair off?

81. - Stuart... - Because boys like the way it looks.

82. Honey, I need you to go back to your room now.

83. I don't like it at all. It looks like a big pink walnut.

84. All right, then, run along now.

85. He is so cute.

86. Yes. He is a little dolly.

87. Just like his dad. It's weird.

88. OK, so who recommended you?

89. Stu Beggs.

90. OK, my ex.

91. Yeah.

92. He said that you probably needed the work.

93. He said that your husband isn't much of an earner, so...

94. I'm sure he did. And, no, he is not.

95. He talks about you a lot, actually.

96. I think that he's still in love with you.

97. Well, actually, he has said that out loud, like, a lot.

98. Wait. So how do you guys know each other?

99. - He's a client. - OK.

100. So what are you, like, a publicist or something?

101. - More like... - A hooker?

102. - Yeah. Pretty much. Sorry. - Yeah! That's real neat.

103. No, it's fine. No judgement.

104. So, Stu's big into prostitutes these days.

105. - Yeah. - Yeah.

106. Yeah, he must be nursing a broken heart or something

107. because he drops a lot of cash on 'tutes.

108. I like to think that I'm his favourite,

109. but he's not really very picky.

110. I'll tell you what, though.

111. He calls me Marcy when we bone.

112. Good to know.

113. Cheers.

114. Shit! Jesus Christ, that tastes awful.

115. Drink up, Nancy. It'll put hair on your balls.

116. I've got too much hair on my balls.

117. You see this fucking mop? Now picture my balls.

118. This is a house where the carpet definitely matches the drapes.

119. Yeah, that's not how you use that phrase.

120. - It's not? - No.

121. You've really never had a serious girlfriend.

122. Well, not really.

123. I mean, I've had my fair share of texting relationships,

124. but they always end with me saying something really inappropriate,

125. and then the girl goes silent,

126. and then I end up texting her a hundred more times,

127. and her parents call my mom,

128. and I get a serious talking-to about cyberbullying.

129. It's... It's a real fucking bummer.

130. Yeah, you need to start dealing with some real live women one-on-one.

131. That is fucking scary.

132. Yeah, but still...

133. - Here's your shot. - You sure?

134. Go forth.

135. Hi.

136. Hi, pretty lady.

137. Do you... Do you want to have a drink with me and my dad?

138. We just recently started a relationship with each other.

139. Hey, I know you.

140. - Dude, did you bang her? - Shut up.

141. Really? Where from?

142. - I was your student. - Yeah.

143. I took your writing class.

144. That's right. I taught for a while.

145. I totally forgot about that. How was I?

146. Honestly, I've had better.

147. Honestly, I've been better. That was a dark time.

148. But allow me to make it up to you

149. by introducing you to a promising young actor

150. on the rise...

151. Levon.

152. Cool. What have you been in?

153. Not... Not much of anything, really.

154. I mean, sometimes I film myself doing famous movie monologues,

155. and I put them on YouTube.

156. I figure someone will eventually...

157. He's being modest.

158. He's working on a new show called Santa Monica Cop.

159. I... I'm just a PA, really. I... I get lunches and shit.

160. Cool.

161. Hey, you were sleeping with that girl

162. who turned out to be a stripper, right?

163. What? That is silly.

164. Teachers sleeping with students... That's not cool.

165. No, it was a really big deal.

166. Didn't you fuck that TA too and the dean's wife?

167. You were famous that semester. You fucked them all.

168. Hey...

169. Could I get a picture with you?

170. My friend is gonna lose her shit.

171. Would you mind?

172. Thanks, Dad.

173. One, two, three.

174. Goldie? You in there?

175. What fucking took you so long, Runkle?

176. I came as soon as you called. Are you OK?

177. - Have you been drinking? - Obviously.

178. - Maybe this is a mistake. - What? What?

179. Why? What... What are you talking about?

180. I need a manager who cares about me

181. as much as about what me can do for him.

182. I do, Goldie, very much so.

183. What can I do for you?

184. - How can I help? - Get me off this fucking show.

185. Why?

186. Rath humiliated me.

187. What did he do? Did he hit on you?

188. No! He would never do that.

189. I'm sure he thinks I'm an un-fuckable monster.

190. I don't think that's true at all.

191. Thank you, Charlie.

192. You make me feel really sexy.

193. I... I didn't mean to do that exactly.

194. But good, I guess.

195. So what did Rath do?

196. He fucking rewrote my script.

197. Well, isn't that, you know,

198. par for the course in television?

199. Every single fucking line?

200. You mean to tell me I didn't write one usable word?

201. Not even a fucking preposition or two.

202. OK, OK, OK.

203. So what would you like me to do, Goldie?

204. Would you... Would you want me to...

205. Have him killed.

206. Have him killed.

207. OK.

208. What do you say we put a pin in that one...

209. For now, just for now...

210. And we look at that as a...

211. You know, last-resort situation?

212. You know, the very least you could fucking do

213. is call him and rip him a new asshole

214. so that he knows I can't be treated

215. like some girl from the street, OK?

216. I'm a world-class writer and producer,

217. and I'm gonna have my own show one day,

218. if that means giving up every ounce

219. of personal happiness to get it.

220. I will talk to him.

221. - Promise? - I promise.

222. Will you drive me home?

223. - Sure thing, Goldie. - OK.

224. - Let's go. - One more drink.

225. He's a little monster!

226. I'm gonna getcha, I'm gonna getcha,

227. - I'm gonna getcha! - I'm gonna get you!

228. My God.

229. This is the best playdate Stuart's ever had.

230. They do have chemistry, that's for sure.

231. - He seems like a good kid. - He is, he is.

232. I just wish I could get him laid.

233. Can you get me laid?

234. Maybe we can kill two pervs with one stone.

235. You deflower him. It's a win-win.

236. Listen, I'm horny as fuck these days,

237. but seriously, I don't think

238. that kid's gonna last long enough for mommy to get hers.

239. Maybe he needs professional help.

240. What, like a therapist?

241. Yeah, or a...

242. - Like a hooker? - Yeah.

243. Hank, I waxed a hooker today.

244. She was young and cute and totally down to fuck.

245. - Really? - Yeah.

246. - Probably spendy. - It's only money, right?

247. My God. My God.

248. That kid would love you forever if you bust his hymen like that.

249. Chick was fucking bananas hot!

250. This sounds too good to be true.

251. - Let's just hold on a second. - OK.

252. Just wait, wait.

253. Is this wrong?

254. I can't tell any more.

255. - I can't fucking tell any more. - Me neither.

256. - Let me see if she's available. - Good idea.

257. - Hello, again. - Hi.

258. Thanks for the rip this morning. My pussy looks fantastic.

259. It really does. I mean, great job!

260. You could eat off the fucking thing.

261. Thank you. And you are?

262. Jim. Nice to meet you, sweetie.

263. Nice to meet you too.

264. Is this him?

265. No! No, sorry.

266. Hey, you're not supposed to get excited about the fucking Johns here.

267. Sorry. He's a really good-looking guy.

268. You must be the pimp.

269. What is this, like a fucking blaxploitation movie?

270. I mean, we don't really use that terminology any more.

271. Yeah, I'm more like her manager,

272. the guy that you hand the money to...

273. - OK. - Like, right now.

274. Yeah. Sure, sure, sure.

275. So how does it work? What's the split?

276. My guy gets 15%,

277. and his pimp hand is not strong at all.

278. What are you, the Better Business Bureau?

279. Don't worry about it.

280. Where's this dude she's gonna fuck?

281. - Hey, guys. - Hi!

282. - Karen, hello. - Hi!

283. - Hi! - Karen! Hey, hey, hey, hey.

284. Why don't you get your guests a drink or something?

285. - Yes, I'm gonna do it. - What are you doing here?

286. - Well, you've been ducking my calls. - I know, I know, I know.

287. OK, so I want to talk to you about Becca.

288. I know. That's why I'm ducking you.

289. Well, why?

290. I mean, when are you gonna tell her about Levon?

291. - When is she getting back? - In a few weeks.

292. - In a few weeks, then. - Well, Hank,

293. she wants to know why you're ducking her calls too.

294. Karen, I'm not gonna talk to her on the phone

295. about this shit, OK?

296. And in fact, when I do it,

297. I think we should do it together, you and I.

298. - No! You see... - Yeah.

299. No, no, no. I knew...

300. I am not gonna get involved in your dysfunctional shit, OK?

301. What is... What are you... Hi... What is this?

302. - What do you mean? - Who is this?

303. Marcy invited some of her waxing clients over.

304. - Isn't that right, Marcy? - Yeah, yeah.

305. I'm having a client over for a drink.

306. OK, well, how come she's here so late and dressed so slutty?

307. Maybe she's gonna get a facial.

308. Right. Really?

309. Does she always travel with sex toys?

310. You know, some people are not so averse to rubberized help.

311. That's true.

312. Mission accomplished.

313. Little Stuart is officially asleep.

314. We read books. We played the tickle game.

315. He loves the tickle game!

316. I know. I also taught him how to dutch oven. He loved it.

317. Kid loves farts. You did good.

318. - Thanks. - Is this him?

319. Who... Who's him? Who am I? Who are you?

320. You know what? Let's get this fucking party started, all right?

321. We got another appointment later.

322. OK, kid, you got to wear a rubber, OK?

323. Anything off the menu has to be approved by me.

324. I mean, she's pretty open, as you can see, but scat play...

325. Definitely out of the question.

326. My God. You got him a hooker.

327. Karen, that is ridiculous.

328. Marcy was kind enough to set Levon up

329. with one of her clients.

330. One of your clients?

331. I'm... I'm... I'm setting him up with her.

332. Look at what a cute couple they would make, adorable.

333. Marcy, is your client a hooker?

334. Who knows what she does for a living, Karen?

335. - That's personal. - Shut up.

336. Is your client a hooker?

337. - Maybe. - Marcy!

338. Hey! I am happy to help you

339. try to bust your weirdo kid's cherry, but I will not lie to my best friend.

340. My God. This is so fucking depraved.

341. No, it's not. I'm performing a service here.

342. This kid's... He needs to clear this hurdle.

343. He's all wired and pent-up. He's got to get the poison out.

344. - That's what Stu always says. - It's true.

345. Once you get that shit out of your system,

346. then you can think clearly again.

347. You... You got me a fucking hooker?

348. - Maybe. - My God, thank you so much.

349. This is exactly what I thought having a father would be like.

350. No. No, I'm sorry.

351. No. No, no, no, no.

352. I know... I know this has, like, absolutely nothing to do with me,

353. but... But, I feel that someone here

354. should be representing your mom's interests.

355. - Why? That's fucking weird. - No, no, no.

356. Because she would not want you to lose your virginity like this.

357. My God, you told her I'm a virgin? That's fucking embarrassing, dude!

358. No, of course he didn't.

359. No offence, but you don't present

360. as a guy who's knee-deep in a river of pussy.

361. Yet it's all I ever think about.

362. OK, so the first time... It should be special, right?

363. And it should be someone you care about,

364. someone you love, you like, at least... Like.

365. - Right? - I completely agree.

366. And I could easily see myself falling in love with her.

367. I totally like her right now. Do you see what she's wearing?

368. - It's... - I do, yeah.

369. But it's not something that you would want to pay for.

370. I'm not paying for anything. I haven't even got a paycheck yet.

371. There's all these forms I'm supposed to fill out and shit.

372. Actually, can you help me out with that?

373. Money's taken care of. That's no problem.

374. I fucking love you, Dad.

375. I fucking love you too, buddy.

376. No. No, no, no. Stop it, stop it.

377. Look, Levon, Levon, I know this is very confusing for you.

378. I get that. I... I...

379. OK, take a moment. Just take a moment.

380. Just, yeah...

381. Breathe. Yeah. OK.

382. - Now, think about your mother. - Gross!

383. That's the last thing I want to think about.

384. No, no, no! About what she would say.

385. Creepy Cosby family, are we gonna do this or what?

386. It's up to you, but there's no fucking refunds here.

387. If you want a credit, there's a 25% restocking fee.

388. That's fucking steep, bro.

389. Hey, it's a seller's market, dude.

390. Hold... Hold... Hold on.

391. - Karen. - Yes!

392. Do you want to fuck me?

393. No!

394. - What is wrong with you? Did you... - I didn't raise him.

395. Right now the only person in this room

396. willing to fuck me is the one getting paid.

397. And I think I'm OK with that.

398. You know what? In fact, I'm more than OK with that.

399. I'm super fucking psyched. I'm doing this.

400. OK.

401. - Hey, Dad? - Yeah.

402. - The clit's on top, right? - Last I checked, yeah.

403. OK.

404. There you go, you lean there. I'll get the door.

405. Good job.

406. OK!

407. Here we go.

408. Hey! What are you doing?

409. I'm... I'm driving you home.

410. No. No, not in your car...

411. In my car.

412. How am I supposed to get to work tomorrow?

413. Well, how am I gonna get home tonight?

414. I don't give a fuck. That's your problem.

415. You can take a fucking rickshaw, for all I care.

416. No, you take me home. You walk me in.

417. You make sure that I am safe.

418. And then you need to position me so that I don't choke on my own vomit.

419. OK, OK. If that's what you need, sure.

420. Hold on. That's not a good idea,

421. because then you're gonna get in my house.

422. You'll want to take advantage of me in my inebriated state.

423. I would never do something like that.

424. I'm not hot enough to take advantage of.

425. No, no! You're plenty hot, Goldie. You're... You're crazy hot!

426. Thank you. I appreciate it.

427. Thank you for taking care of me tonight.

428. - I really appreciate it. - You know what?

429. That's just what I do, OK?

430. That's full-service management, all right?

431. Kerb to kerb.

432. You know, if someone would've told me

433. that I was gonna be represented one day

434. by the masturbating agent, I would've just shit my panties.

435. Wonders never cease.

436. Can I ask you something?

437. What made you want to throw it all away

438. for a couple of random jerk-off sessions?

439. I guess it's just the very same thing

440. that makes me such a great representative.

441. I'm ready to burn it all down at a moment's notice.

442. Burn it all down. I like that.

443. Burn it all down.

444. I'm gonna get that in a tattoo on my bikini line.

445. We should get tattoos. Let's go.

446. No! No.

447. You never get a tattoo under the influence.

448. That's how you wind up with a butterfly tramp stamp.

449. You're funny. You're funny.

450. - OK. - You're really funny.

451. Give me a hug.

452. You know, I could feel you getting hard last week

453. when we were hugging.

454. I'm sorry about that.

455. You're getting hard right now, aren't you?

456. Why does this keep happening to me?

457. Shit. I don't feel so good.

458. OK.

459. - It's OK. - OK.

460. Sorry.

461. I think I'm allergic to sulfites. I'm so sorry.

462. My first time wasn't special at all.

463. Dude kissed me a couple of times,

464. paid zero attention to my tits, licked me twice, stuck it in once,

465. panicked, pulled out, and shot a load all over my thigh.

466. Fun stuff.

467. Well, at least it got you prepared for Papa Runks.

468. What was your first time like, pretty lady?

469. Shut up.

470. You looking to make any extra money? I could turn you out, no problem.

471. You're a feisty one. I like that. Nice.

472. Karen...

473. Karen, I'm sorry about that.

474. You know, I don't know what's worse... What's going on here tonight,

475. which is absolutely, fucking disgusting,

476. or the fact that I don't even know who you are any more.

477. That's not fair.

478. If we had a son, we'd most probably be having the same conversation,

479. and I would probably feel exactly the same way.

480. If we had a son, I would never, ever let you do something like this.

481. Karen, it's just sex. What's the big deal?

482. But it's not just sex. That's the whole point.

483. You're teaching him to degrade and objectify women,

484. that they exist solely to satisfy his urges,

485. when you could, in fact, be teaching him

486. that the best kind of sex comes from making a connection.

487. I agree with you. I do.

488. It's just, there are all different types of sex to be had,

489. and who says he has to make sweet love his very first time out the gate?

490. Hi.

491. - Hank, is it? - Yeah.

492. Could you come in here for a second?

493. Hey, it's more for a threesome.

494. Just saying.

495. - What's up? - I think your boy's a little nervous.

496. That's totally understandable.

497. I asked him to unwrap my dress, and then he almost passed out.

498. I'm dizzy, Hank. I'm shaking like a leaf, man.

499. Is... Is it possible I'm having a heart attack? Here, feel.

500. Maybe there's an underlying medical condition

501. or something I don't even know about.

502. Maybe I should go see a doctor.

503. Maybe we made a mistake here.

504. Maybe Karen's right. Maybe this isn't the way

505. it's supposed to go down for me, you know?

506. Maybe I'm supposed to meet a nice girl

507. and somehow sweet-talk her into letting me foul her.

508. You don't have to go through with this, you know, not at all.

509. You... You wouldn't be disappointed in me?

510. No way, never.

511. God, I'm so fucking lame, and you're such a fucking baller.

512. You are not lame in the slightest.

513. You're a bright, interesting kid,

514. and you got a shitload of love in your heart.

515. I do.

516. You've made the past few weeks of my life very interesting.

517. - I'm happy to know you. - Thanks, Dad.

518. - All right. - Guys...

519. This is maybe one of the sweetest fucking things

520. I've ever seen.

521. But I have another appointment to get to.

522. So, if we're not gonna do this,

523. then I'm just gonna grab my double-sided dildo,

524. and I'm just gonna go.

525. What do you think?

526. What do you think?

527. - What do you think? - I don't know.

528. Here's what I think.

529. That's what she thinks.

530. So what's it gonna be?

531. Get the fuck out of here, OK?

532. Gone.

533. And if you find yourself getting too excited,

534. just think about your grandfather emptying his colostomy bag,

535. works like a charm. Trust!

536. Hi.

537. What's going on?

538. Well, Levon is losing his virginity to a hooker

539. in the guest room right now.

540. Good for him.

541. Good for him.

542. - And who are you? - He's the pimp.

543. Jesus Christ.

544. I handle the fucking money, and I keep her safe from creeps.

545. Don't be such a condescending prick.

546. He's the pimp?

547. Did you piss your pants or something?

548. Done deal.

549. Another happy customer.

550. Kid's got a sick fucking hog on him, by the way.

551. Hey, you're not supposed to get excited about their fucking cocks.

552. Well, what?

553. Some of them are better and nicer than others.

554. It's a fact.

555. I had such a fun time, sweetie!

556. Call me anytime. Tweet me, whatever.

557. I will. Definitely.

558. You definitely will not! That shit's expensive.

559. Well, we offer a frequent-flyer discount.

560. Peace out, weirdos.

561. Bye, you honey!

562. Bye, Marcy. Thank you.

563. Take me to bed, Runks. I haven't been laid in so long,

564. I'm starting to feel like a born-again virgin.

565. I'm not feeling very amorous, Marcy.

566. My new client puked into my crotch tonight.

567. - Yeah, I can smell it. - Have a seat, Harpo.

568. Man.

569. - How you feeling? - Amazing. Amazing.

570. It's like my head is so fucking clear right now,

571. you know?

572. I feel like I understand the relationship

573. between shit in the universe a lot better.

574. I feel like I could honestly solve some of the world's bigger problems.

575. - You got the poison out. - Yes. Exactly.

576. Yeah.

577. How long's this feeling gonna last?

578. - About six or seven minutes. - Shit.

579. Better enjoy it, then.

580. Hey, that thing with my grandpa and the colostomy bag

581. totally worked.

582. How'd you know he had a bag?

583. What?

584. You know how you tell your mother everything, you said?

585. Are you gonna tell her about this?

586. - No. No fucking way. - OK.

587. Karen was right. She would be totally pissed

588. - and think it was all fucking gross - Yeah.

589. and misogynistic and shit.

590. OK, well, that's good to know.

591. Yeah. Hey, Dad?

592. - Yeah? - Thanks again.

593. This was truly an epic fucking night in the life,

594. and I will never, ever forget it, obviously.

595. You're welcome. You're welcome.

596. That's a wet one.

597. You better get me a kick-ass Father's Day gift.

598. You know I will.

599. In fact, I think I'm gonna book you some time with Nikki.

600. She did this thing with her vagina.

601. - It was talking to my dick. - That's too much.

602. - Smell my fingers. - Go to bed.

603. OK.