Californication 7x3

1. Previously on Californication...

2. - Nothing? - Nope. Not a twitch.

3. I even tossed his salad for a second or three.

4. Are you sure you can actually handle the job?

5. Can you show up on time? Play nice with others?

6. Can you work with actors without fucking them or punching them?

7. So, you have read my work?

8. What? What? What is it now?

9. I mean, nothing would surprise me at this point.

10. He's really my kid?

11. I mean, all I have is his word to go on,

12. and no offence, but he doesn't present as the most trustworthy source.

13. I'm standing right here.

14. He's got all these crazy expectations of you guys making up for lost time.

15. I don't have the heart to tell him that you're not that kind of guy.

16. - Is this your kid? - Apparently.

17. Does he want a job? Because I just promoted the PA to writer's assistant.

18. Baby, there's someone you gotta meet.

19. - How can I make this better? - You can't.

20. Well, that's a very defeatist attitude, Karen.

21. Hank, you have another family.

22. "Family" is a strong word.

23. However dysfunctional, we've always been a family.

24. Now there's another one.

25. There's another baby mama. There's another kid.

26. Do you realise how fucking devastating that is?

27. Do you realise that the bottom

28. has just officially dropped out of our relationship?

29. OK. I get it. I get it.

30. But I think once you get over that first initial jolt of anger,

31. you're gonna see that... That...

32. Angry? I'm not angry.

33. - No? You're not? - No! Why would I be angry?

34. - I don't... You seem kind of angry. - No. No, no, no.

35. I'm not even entitled to anger, because, because

36. you impregnated her before you even met me.

37. - That's true. That's very true. - Yeah.

38. And I'm glad that you see it that way.

39. I think you're actually being hugely progressive about the whole thing.

40. And that's what makes it ten times worse.

41. She was there first.

42. She is baby mama number one.

43. - I am baby mama number two. - OK...

44. And she's a ridiculous fucking MILF, which makes it even worser.

45. I know that I have a knack for this shit, Karen.

46. You have a knack, all right.

47. It's a minor miracle that more kids didn't come looking for you.

48. Hey, that's not very nice.

49. You know I've always been very responsible

50. when it comes to the controlling of birth.

51. And in the past, if a woman was kind enough to share her privates with me

52. and asked me to slap on a prophylactic,

53. I would do that with a smile.

54. You know, but sometimes the dogwater can seep in there and cause trouble.

55. Yeah, I know the trouble. I know the trouble.

56. Do you know what you need to start thinking about?

57. Is how you are gonna tell your daughter

58. that she has a brother that she never even knew about!

59. It's a half-brother, Karen. Half.

60. It's like having a long-lost cousin.

61. - It's not that big a deal, really. - It's nothing like that!

62. OK. I got to go to work anyway.

63. So...

64. It was good talking to you!

65. Have a nice day!

66. What the fuck, dude?

67. What happened to meeting me out on the kerb?

68. Sorry. I guess I overslept. I was up all night playing Xbox.

69. Why? Why would you do that

70. when you know you're starting a new job in the morning?

71. Cos that's how I deal with my anxiety.

72. Xbox and weed. Do you smoke weed?

73. God, there's so much I don't know about you.

74. Anyway, I'm pretty nervous about this new gig.

75. Yeah, well, now you're gonna be pretty late for this new gig.

76. I guess I thought show business started later than the real world.

77. It does. It's 11:00 a.m. Is that late enough for you?

78. Shit. OK, I'm gonna go get dressed.

79. It's a good plan. Now hustle!

80. - Come on, move it! - OK!

81. Go, go, go, go, go.

82. You know what? I don't know if I'm OK

83. with you coming down on me so hard.

84. What gives you the right, huh?

85. Where have you been the last 20 years or so?

86. I don't know, I've been busy not knowing about you.

87. Still.

88. You mind if I use the facilities?

89. I don't care.

90. "I don't care."

91. - Hank, what the fuck? - Apologies.

92. - Jesus! - No need to take names in vain.

93. We're all adults here, and we happen to be adults

94. - who have seen each other naked. - 20 years ago.

95. Hey, I remember that mole.

96. Could we not have this conversation while I'm peeing?

97. Do we have to?

98. OK, I'm just kidding and backing away slowly...

99. - Very, very slowly. - Get out!

100. Yeah, could you maybe not hit on my mom in front of me?

101. - It makes me feel uncomfortable. - I wasn't hitting on her.

102. I was engaging in a little flirtatious banter.

103. There's a big difference.

104. Whatever, OK? I have issues.

105. The only kids who ever wanted to hang out with me

106. wanted to fuck my mom.

107. They'd be asking for hugs all the time,

108. knuckle-brushing her ass.

109. Fucking confusing times, man.

110. - What? - Nothing.

111. Do I look pimp?

112. You're pimp.

113. - Mom, come on, cut it out. - OK.

114. Be nice, work hard, mind your manners and don't be weird, OK?

115. - I won't. - Promise?

116. - Promise. - I love you.

117. I love you, too.

118. - Where's my hug? - Asshole.

119. Can you wait in the car for a minute?

120. No funny stuff.

121. You look cute.

122. How's Karen?

123. She's been busy hating on me and whatnot,

124. making voodoo dolls.

125. There she goes again.

126. And in the back, too. She's getting busy.

127. - Do you want me to talk to her? - That's not a good idea.

128. You're already a little too MILFy for her taste.

129. Really? Why would you say that?

130. Because that's what she said.

131. Wow, that is so nice of her.

132. She is so beautiful.

133. Yeah, me and my beautiful baby mamas, lucky me.

134. Keep an eye on him, OK?

135. Because he can get a little weird in social situations.

136. Really? I hadn't noticed that.

137. What do you mean "weird"?

138. He's not gonna yank out his dick, is he?

139. - I don't think so. - You don't think so?

140. Look, maybe he went through a phase

141. where he liked to expose himself to girls.

142. And if he did, it was totally normal and a developmentally appropriate way

143. for him to express his sexuality.

144. And it was a long time ago.

145. We got through it.

146. All right, kids, let's make some fucking television.

147. Yes.

148. Hugh, my boy, you're up. You're writing episode three.

149. Awesome! Appreciate the vote of confidence, boss.

150. Yeah, yeah. Let's hear it.

151. OK, OK, OK.

152. Fade in. We open on the Santa Monica Strand.

153. Camera finds Danko Jones.

154. He's rollerblading down the street.

155. Rollerblade... Why the fuck is he rollerblading?

156. Why is the incredibly cool, aggressively male

157. star of our show rollerblading?

158. Because he wants to meet women.

159. Works like a charm. Trust.

160. Anyway, stay with me.

161. Danko meets this beautiful girl on The Strand.

162. She is bangin'.

163. Think Rihanna meets

164. someone even hotter than Rihanna.

165. Danko takes her home and bangs the shit out of her,

166. cos that's just the kind of guy our Danko is.

167. Yeah.

168. Next morning, he wakes up, she's gone.

169. He heads off to work. Guess who the new captain is.

170. Roller girl. Boom!

171. Deal with that, Danko.

172. Hank, you're writing episode three.

173. I'll write it.

174. Hank, you're writing episode three.

175. I do have 15 years of procedural experience

176. versus the rapist, who has none.

177. - Hank, episode three. - Groovy.

178. - What do you got? - What do you mean?

179. Story ideas, let's go.

180. I'm not a big fan of outlining, per se.

181. I like to do a fair amount of exploring on the page.

182. Well, that's good to know. Save it for your novel, all right?

183. Writing a good episode of television

184. means knowing every single little fucking thing

185. before you put pen to paper.

186. This way, the work is done before you even begin.

187. Well, what about a bad episode of television?

188. Same thing.

189. Come on, man, pitch me something! This isn't a fucking internship.

190. OK, all right. OK.

191. There's a... There's...

192. There's a serial rapist run amok in Santa Monica.

193. - Good. - Here we go.

194. Don't worry. I'll make sure he gets his comeuppance.

195. And he's targeting hot female rollerbladers, right?

196. And Danko Jones, against his will, has to lace up and hit The Strand.

197. Good. I like it.

198. This is fun. This is funny.

199. It's a fish out of water.

200. You got the cool black guy doing the stupid white-guy thing.

201. This is how we tell stories.

202. Riff on it a little bit.

203. What do you got for a B story?

204. Yeah...

205. What if this doesn't need a B story?

206. What if this is just a very special episode of primetime...

207. Hey, lunch.

208. Oh, my God.

209. What took you so long?

210. Kid, you got to pretend like I'm hypoglycemic.

211. What part of "chopped and tossed, extra dressing on the side, no onions"

212. don't you understand?

213. Chopped and tossed! Extra dressing on the side!

214. No onions!

215. Motherfucker!

216. Way to go, Levon.

217. You should go get some cupcakes.

218. It'll cheer him up.

219. I think he prefers Sprinkles to Crumbs, for what it's worth.

220. Cupcakes.

221. Nobody wants cupcakes, Hugh.

222. Yes!

223. They have peanut butter mocha fudge today.

224. You OK?

225. Fuck, no. I just got my asshole torn apart in there.

226. Yeah, just dust yourself off, get back in there.

227. That's all you can do.

228. Why didn't you stick up for me?

229. Cos you fucked up.

230. You know, those people take their lunches very seriously.

231. I've never seen anything like it, actually.

232. Can I get a cigarette?

233. That shit was really fucking uncalled for, you know it.

234. Did he hit you? Did he fire you?

235. Did he stick his finger up your ass and make you smell it?

236. - No, I don't think so. - No.

237. I think you'd know.

238. He didn't.

239. So just, you know, do better tomorrow.

240. My whole life has been about doing better tomorrow.

241. - It's a sound philosophy. - I just don't know, man.

242. This show-business stuff is really high stakes.

243. Oh, yeah. Yeah, the business of chopped salads

244. is some cut-throat shit, isn't it?

245. You think that's bad? You say you want to be an actor?

246. You have any idea how much rejection you're gonna face

247. on a daily basis, especially looking the way you do?

248. Which is absolutely fucking adorable.

249. Can I get your advice on something?

250. If you must.

251. I really want to have sex with Rath's assistant.

252. Not today, in the future, the not-too-distant future.

253. Like, soon.

254. It's good to have dreams. Good to shoot for the moon.

255. Yeah, but how do I get there, you know?

256. Do I come on really strong, you know?

257. - Nope. - Or do I play it cool?

258. Yes, it's best to play it cool.

259. Like, almost don't even say anything to her, ever.

260. Like, almost ignore her completely.

261. Let her come to you.

262. I'm not sure I see how that's gonna...

263. Trust.

264. Hey, sorry I blew up at you, kid.

265. - Rite of passage. - No problem.

266. - Just get it right next time. - OK.

267. When in doubt, you just follow the fucking directions.

268. - OK. - Like with actors.

269. When in doubt, just say the fucking lines.

270. Same thing applies to writers, right?

271. When in doubt, just follow the fucking note.

272. You're getting a real master class here today.

273. Speaking of actors, you want to join me in casting?

274. - We're auditioning crack whores. - Oh, yeah!

275. Hey, that sounds cool. Can I come watch?

276. No, but you can get me an iced half-caf,

277. one pump sugar-free caramel, two pumps sugar-free vanilla,

278. non-fat caramel macchiato.

279. Got that?

280. Sure.

281. What was after iced?

282. You know what? I'll just go ask your assistant.

283. There you go. Now you're thinking, kid.

284. All right.

285. Danko, I know you're trying to do the right thing,

286. but I love the rock.

287. The rock is my friend, my lover, my confidantay.

288. So I know you think you have magic

289. there between your legs, but when I put my dick... My...

290. But putting my lips on that glass dick, that's the shit.

291. That's all the dick this girl's gonna need.

292. - Scene. - Very good.

293. I like the improv, the glass dick stuff.

294. - Yeah. - Yeah, thank you.

295. - Very creative. - Thanks.

296. It just came on me... Came to me. It came...

297. I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.

298. I think you're a lot more talented than you think you are.

299. Thank you.

300. There was a real moment in there.

301. I saw the price you paid.

302. - Thank you. - No, thank you.

303. And come back and see us again, please.

304. OK.

305. Why do you keep saying that?

306. "The price you paid." What does that even...

307. Fuck if I know.

308. A director I worked with used it once.

309. I thought it sounded good, so I incorporated it into my patter.

310. It's good to have patter.

311. Hello.

312. I have the network for you two.

313. They want to make an offer to Eddie Nero.

314. Don't do it. You'll regret it.

315. - Why? - He poops on people.

316. I'm not kidding.

317. You gotta poop somewhere.

318. So, acting, huh?

319. - I want this part. - But why?

320. Because it's the kind of part that gets you noticed,

321. and I want to be noticed.

322. As a crack whore?

323. I want this part.

324. Well, good luck to you.

325. You know, may the best crack whore win.

326. I will totally fuck you for this part.

327. That is totally sweet,

328. but I'm not really what you'd call a decision maker.

329. I will suck your big black dick.

330. How do you know about my big black dick?

331. You were in character just then.

332. That is... That's cool. That...

333. You had a real moment there. I saw the price you paid.

334. You want to see my titties?

335. That's... It's not necessary.

336. We're a network show. We don't do...

337. Titty.

338. Wardrobe malfunction.

339. Yeah.

340. - You want to taste my juice? - Oh, well, no, that's cool.

341. I had some for breakfast already.

342. Hello, Frisco.

343. - This is not as it seems. - Fuck you, Hank.

344. I'm not gonna let you get away with this shit.

345. - This... Rath, Rath... - No, not now, Terry.

346. I'm not in the mood for your militant bullshit, OK?

347. Please, go do something in the room. Make yourself useful, OK?

348. Are we ready to do some thesping or what?

349. What's that smell?

350. Must be ambition. Let's do this.

351. - What's that on the wall? - Cock.

352. And what colour is it?

353. - Black. - It's black.

354. It's a black clock.

355. Big black cock.

356. Holy shit. That is so funny.

357. Little kids are hilarious.

358. I know, right?

359. - Oh, my gosh. - OK, now it's your turn.

360. What do you mean?

361. I showed you mine. Now you show me yours.

362. Yeah, but my favourite stuff is definitely not safe for the workplace.

363. That's OK. I mean, come on.

364. This isn't, like, your typical workplace.

365. - OK, I'll show you some shit. - OK.

366. And I really don't want to fucking deal with this.

367. OK, OK. Hank! Hank, Hank.

368. Can I see you in here a minute, please?

369. Thank you, Terry.

370. Have a seat.

371. Don't mind if I do. What's up?

372. Did you finger that actress?

373. Oh, dear.

374. Not exactly.

375. What the fuck does that mean, "Not exactly"?

376. Either you finger someone, or you don't.

377. Well, technically,

378. she fingered herself, with my finger.

379. That's why it smelled like pussy in there?

380. No, that was ambition.

381. Now I have to hire that crazy bitch.

382. - Why? - Why?

383. Because if I don't,

384. she's gonna claim that you did something inappropriate

385. with your stink finger.

386. And with your fucking record, no one's ever gonna believe you didn't.

387. - I see. - What?

388. What's the matter, hon? Did he finger you, too?

389. What did you make her watch?

390. I... I didn't make her watch anything.

391. Well, something fucking upset her.

392. She was showing me some of her favourite YouTube videos, right?

393. And she asked me to show her something that I liked.

394. And?

395. It's kind of dirty.

396. I'm a big boy. I can handle it.

397. Well, speaking of big boys.

398. This huge, prison yard-looking motherfucker

399. is having anal sex with this cute little porno chick, right?

400. - Here we go. - Yeah, yeah.

401. So he's just banging away and banging away,

402. - but that's not the cool part. - No.

403. At a key point in the video,

404. the guy pulls his monster cock out of her butt,

405. and shoves his entire scrotus in there.

406. And this thing is ridiculous.

407. It's literally like a giant gym bag full of basketballs.

408. So then best part of the video,

409. he pulls it out again and yells, "Boo-yah!"

410. Boo-yah!

411. It's actually really funny.

412. Yeah, no, it's fucking hilarious.

413. Do you know what else it is? Sexual harassment.

414. What? She asked for it.

415. - This is a workplace, Leon. - It's Levon.

416. That's what I said.

417. Look. It wasn't even sexual, though.

418. It was comedic. I mean, was I turned on?

419. Yes, because she's incredibly hot.

420. But was I trying to fuck her? No.

421. She said you started to give her a back rub.

422. - Jesus. - She said that?

423. You told me to play it cool.

424. I did, I did.

425. I told him to play it cool. Well played, son.

426. - Thanks, Dad. - Well played.

427. The agent's on the phone.

428. Who? Which one?

429. The one who represents the actress that Hank fingered.

430. Happy?

431. You fingered an actress today? Where the fuck was I?

432. You were busy sexually harassing my assistant.

433. Jesus Christ! Like father, like son.

434. Two real, live degenerate assholes.

435. Get the fuck out of here, now.

436. So what are we talking about here? Are we fired?

437. Does it look like I fire people around here?

438. Have you seen this fucking office?

439. It's a fucking clown college out there.

440. Get out!

441. - What were you thinking? - What's the big deal?

442. You can't do something like that at work. It's disrespectful.

443. Says the guy who just got in trouble for fingering someone.

444. Hey, watch your tone, all right?

445. You know what? Fuck this.

446. Where you going?

447. - Home. I'm done. - What, that's it?

448. - You're just gonna quit? - Yeah, why not?

449. It's a stupid fucking job anyways

450. fetching lunches for a bunch of Hollywood assholes.

451. All right, now we know why you still live with your mother.

452. Who the fuck are you?

453. I'm just a guy who's trying to make the best

454. of an incredibly fucked-up situation.

455. Yeah, well, don't bother. I'm sorry I came looking for you.

456. Hey, don't start saying things you can't take back.

457. Who says I want to take it back?

458. You're a fucking drama queen, you know that?

459. Yeah, which is why I'm gonna be a great fucking actor one day.

460. You think you're gonna be a great fucking actor?

461. You can't even get through one day as a fucking PA.

462. - Fuck you. - Fuck me?

463. Yeah, fuck you.

464. No, fuck you, you ungrateful little shit.

465. I get you a job, and what do you do?

466. You embarrass me.

467. It won't happen again.

468. Come on. Come on, Hank.

469. Do that shit. Come on, baby.

470. - Come on, Hank. - Come on, Hank!

471. Do it! Come on.

472. No, come on... No!

473. Yes!

474. - Are you kidding me? - That's my money!

475. What the fuck is going on here?

476. I won. I'm writing the episode.

477. No, you're not.

478. That's not the way it works around here, Terry.

479. I'll arm-wrestle you for it.

480. And you will win. Of that, I have no doubt.

481. But I assign the episodes.

482. This place is a fucking freak show.

483. What the fuck is this now?

484. I'm sorry to interrupt. I'm Julia, Levon's mom.

485. Levon has something he'd like to say to you.

486. Do it.

487. Hi, Melanie.

488. I'm very sorry I created a hostile working environment for you.

489. I was just trying to make you laugh. I guess I got a little carried away.

490. Yeah.

491. It's partially my fault, because I had a very liberal attitude

492. about Levon and pornography.

493. Well, I guess it's OK.

494. It was kind of funny when the guy's balls

495. just popped out of her butt like that.

496. I know, right?

497. Just don't try to massage me again.

498. I won't. I promise.

499. - It was creepy. - Got it.

500. And your breath was horrible.

501. Did you brush your teeth this morning?

502. I forgot. Hank was rushing me.

503. Did you floss last night?

504. Mom, stop it.

505. OK, well...

506. Mr Rath, sir,

507. I'm very sorry I fucked up lunch and disrespected your authority.

508. It will not happen again, sir.

509. Hey, whatever, kid. Shit happens.

510. You live and learn. Get me a diet Coke.

511. - Yes, sir. - Rick Rath.

512. - Julia. - Everybody calls me Rath.

513. Well, I'd appreciate it if you didn't scream at my son.

514. He's a human being,

515. and I'm sure you can find a better way to motivate your employees.

516. Wow. OK. This is really happening, huh?

517. How is it even remotely possible that you have a kid that old?

518. Thank you.

519. Right. Him.

520. - Yeah, sorry. - OK.

521. I'm waiting. Where's my apology?

522. I do have something I'd like to say to you.

523. Who the fuck do you think you are coming down on him so hard?

524. That doesn't sound like an apology.

525. You got to put in some serious time before you tear into him like that.

526. He is my son.

527. I mean, you're just a sperm donor at this point.

528. Why don't you try being his friend? What do you know about him? Nothing.

529. Boo-yah. Moody just got schooled.

530. Well, maybe I overreacted a tad,

531. but the boy is in need of some male guidance.

532. Hey, I think this woman is doing a fantastic job.

533. This kid's got excellent manners.

534. - She brought cookies. - Which are amazing.

535. Why don't you find some patience, Hank?

536. And don't be a fucking asshole.

537. Well said, Julia.

538. - Can I ask you something? - Sure.

539. Have you ever done any acting?

540. Years ago, in New York.

541. - New York? - Yeah.

542. - I'm from New York. - Oh, cool. Wow.

543. Well, yeah, I did some theatre and a few commercials,

544. but I wasn't very good.

545. You know what? I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.

546. I think you're probably a lot more talented than you think you are.

547. Let me show you around.

548. Take that, rapist.

549. - So this is... - Levon!

550. Milk!

551. I didn't see this coming, Runks, not at all.

552. Me either, buddy.

553. Boy, you really take your erections for granted, huh?

554. I mean, you never imagine they're just gonna go away one day.

555. How did you manage to steer this back around to your dick?

556. I was just sharing about how my life

557. has been turned inside out and upside down right now.

558. Well, mine too, you know?

559. My dick isn't working.

560. I can't make sweet love to my wife,

561. who surely must be growing frustrated

562. and doubting whether she did the right thing

563. getting back together with me.

564. Well, at least you have a wife, Charlie.

565. My relationship with Karen has never been more fucked than it is right now.

566. She managed to get past the whole Mia thing, right?

567. - Barely. - Proof...

568. Time heals all.

569. Even broken dicks?

570. Here's hoping.

571. It's Marcy.

572. "Come home and fuck your wife.

573. "She's stoned and horny and wants some Daddy dick.

574. "If it doesn't work, you can eat me out and use the verb."

575. - What, the... - Verb?

576. - Vibe. - Vibe.

577. Brator.

578. "Stop at the store. We need milk."

579. Go. Go forth. Do as you're told.

580. Get your tongue ready for a workout.

581. And don't forget the milk.

582. And grab some booze, too. We're almost out.

583. What? You know I like me a nightcap when I get home.

584. And some Popchips. I love me some Popchips.

585. Working in TV has taught me a lot about snack food.

586. Popchips!

587. - What? - Hi.

588. What do you want, Hank? I'm not in the mood.

589. I just wanted to say how sorry I am, you know?

590. This whole thing has got me so nuts

591. that I haven't really taken the time

592. to appreciate how bananas it must be for you.

593. You know, and I know I can't talk my way out of it

594. or expect it to blow over,

595. but I just want you to know

596. that I fully appreciate what a big deal this is for you.

597. OK. What else can I do for you?

598. I'm a halfway-decent paternal-type person, aren't I?

599. So that's what this is about. You want your ego stroked.

600. No, no, no. It's just that I'm feeling pretty rusty right now and I just...

601. No, you're feeling pretty sorry for yourself about now.

602. And that's a waste of time, because this is life, Hank.

603. You know, shit comes flying at you,

604. and you gotta deal with it.

605. That's what defines you, how you deal with it.

606. You don't get points for wallowing.

607. Well, that's funny, because I have never felt more entitled

608. to drink and contemplate my Job-like existence

609. than I do right now.

610. And you have a daughter who has no idea what's coming.

611. Lucky her.

612. And you have this kid who's come looking for his father.

613. I mean, it's a big deal.

614. He's probably a raw nerve right now,

615. and his mom all, like, freaked out

616. and wondering how her life's gonna change.

617. It's a lot.

618. How about you?

619. You don't got time to think about me, Hank.

620. You got enough on your plate.

621. Just don't give up on me, OK?

622. I'm still me.

623. We're still us.

624. Good night, Hank.

625. Good night.