Californication 7x12

1. Previously on Californication...

2. My God. You're Becca.

3. I have some news.

4. Yeah, me too. That's why I'm here.

5. Are you excited to meet your brother?

6. My brother?

7. Hey, everyone.

8. Look, I don't want to limit your sexual exploration,

9. but you got to lay off the hookers, because it's illegal.

10. You need to start dealing with some real live women one-on-one.

11. Hi. Hi, pretty lady.

12. I assume that the offer still stands?

13. Are you in?

14. Yes, I'm in.

15. - I have an idea. - You're not gonna do it?

16. No, I'm gonna do it. Maybe you should do it too.

17. - I'm getting married. - No, you're not.

18. Yeah, well, there's not a lot you can do about it, is there?

19. - This is ridiculous. - Any more than this?

20. I cannot in good conscience endorse this shit, Becca.

21. We're doing it in New York. You can be a part of it or not.

22. Totally up to you.

23. And I'm not gonna let you make me fucking miserable about it.

24. I could pay you. What if I pay you?

25. You're an asshole.

26. Yes, but I'm an asshole who loves you something fierce, baby.

27. - I know. - I just want what's best for you.

28. I know that too.

29. Which is why it's hard for me to get excited when you're getting...

30. Married.

31. I'm not getting married.

32. - You're not? - No, it's not a good idea.

33. It's not? It's not!

34. I'm so happy you're on the same page with me.

35. Between your mother and you, that almost never happens.

36. There's no point in me getting married, ever.

37. Well, now... Now, that's a wee bit extreme.

38. You could wait till, like, 30 or 35.

39. You know, your 20s and early 30s

40. are gonna be an endless procession of douche bags,

41. trust me, but just hang tight.

42. There's no way I'll ever be able to have a successful relationship.

43. - Why do you say that? - Because of you.

44. Have you ever been able to sustain a relationship?

45. You say you love me, you say you love Mom but,

46. what does that mean when you only ever let us down?

47. I'm my father's daughter.

48. Becca!

49. You all right, buddy?

50. I'm fine. What the fuck are you doing here?

51. Marcy and I had a fight.

52. She's gonna sleep with Stu tomorrow.

53. Can I sleep here with you tonight?

54. Where is she?

55. - Gone. - Gone? What do you mean gone?

56. She left for New York this morning. She's gone to meet his parents.

57. - Meet his parents? - Yeah.

58. Jesus Christ, Karen. This is more serious than I thought.

59. What part of "Dad, I'm getting married,"

60. - did you not think was serious? - The whole fucking thing.

61. It's like the setup to some horrible practical joke.

62. You know, I keep on expecting Ashton Kutcher to make an appearance.

63. He's not in your bathroom, is he? Are you fucking Ashton Kutcher, Karen?

64. You might need these.

65. They're having the ceremony at his parents' house this weekend.

66. No, that is... That is crazy.

67. Maybe, maybe not.

68. No, that's not normal. That's not the way it's supposed to happen.

69. OK, so what do you want to do... Like, pretend it's not happening?

70. Yeah, what's wrong with that?

71. Look at the choices we made.

72. We decided not to get married.

73. We were too cool and, you know, too bohemian for that shit.

74. And look where that got us.

75. How cool are we right now? Is that what you want for her?

76. Our life, our ridiculous fucking story?

77. No, Karen, I see no reason to denigrate our beautiful story.

78. And I have every reason in the world

79. to be mad about the most recent turn of events here.

80. - Where is that gonna get you? - I don't know!

81. It just feels pretty fucking good right now, that's all.

82. OK, stay angry, then, because you know what?

83. You're way too fucking old

84. to be dragged kicking and screaming into doing the right thing.

85. How do you know it's the right thing?

86. Because she's our kid, and she fucking needs us,

87. - and that's all I need to know. - Yes, that's right.

88. That's the point. She's a kid and she's behaving like a fucking kid.

89. - What? - You just gonna let it ring?

90. Who is it... Julia?

91. - Ashton. - Julia?

92. - Kutcher. - Great. OK.

93. - It's Anton Kirchner. - Deal with it, Hank.

94. Just fucking deal with something in your life.

95. I'm leaving tonight, and I'll keep you posted.

96. Shouldn't we talk about this some more?

97. We're done talking. I'm all about the doing, OK?

98. Hello?

99. Julia, just slow down.

100. - Jesus Christ. - I don't want to know.

101. Fuck! What, are you kidding me? Again?

102. Looking hot, Marcy. Hot.

103. - Thanks. - Yeah.

104. I guess you want to look your best when somebody's paying

105. a million bucks to fuck you, right? Makes sense.

106. Way to go! If you're gonna do it, do it right.

107. Get it fucking done!

108. This is exactly why I didn't want you in the house today.

109. Right. So I wouldn't see you, right? That's sweet...

110. Like a bride on her wedding day, like that?

111. - Is that what you mean? - Charlie.

112. Maybe I got something going on today too.

113. Yeah, maybe I'm gonna get fucked today.

114. - Will you stop woo-hooing? - No!

115. And I told you, I don't want to know about it.

116. And you better not fuck anyone in my house.

117. It was my house first, you know. And I fucked a lot of ladies here.

118. A lot... 102, in fact, to be precise.

119. Yep, I fucked 'em here, right on this chair.

120. I fucked 'em there. I fucked 'em there.

121. I fucked 'em on the counter.

122. I even fucked 'em bent over this chair right here. Your favourite spot.

123. I slipped right in. It was no problem at all.

124. Good for you, baby.

125. Good for you.

126. We're gonna laugh about this one day, you know?

127. You sure about that?

128. I love you. I'm sure about that.

129. You better fucking say it back.

130. I love you too.

131. You better not have a fucking orgasm.

132. I'll do my best.

133. I'm so fucking disappointed in you, Levon.

134. That hurts my fucking feelings, Mom.

135. You damage my self-esteem when you say shit like that.

136. You think it's OK if I slap him silly?

137. We don't hit in this family, Hank.

138. - Maybe we should. - Try it.

139. I'll see you in court, motherfucker!

140. Think I'll see you in court first, motherfucker.

141. Now you have a criminal record.

142. - And you owe me a shit ton of money. - I'm good for it.

143. No, you're not. You're unemployed.

144. Which is why I was seeking comfort in the arms of a streetwalker, OK?

145. I didn't know that shit was illegal.

146. - Really? - I mean, I guess I knew,

147. but I thought cops always looked the other way.

148. - Lesson learned. - This is seriously unhealthy.

149. I'm gonna have to send you back to Dr Lawson.

150. - Who's Dr Lawson? - His therapist.

151. - Why'd he stop? - Cos I fucking healed myself.

152. - You did? Good job. Nice job. - Yeah.

153. I can't talk to you right now!

154. So why don't you just go home, and I'll take care of this...

155. You're the one who started this in the first place.

156. I know. Just let me see if I can end it, all right?

157. Bye, Mom.

158. Come here.

159. - Hello? - Hello!

160. Winston, allow me to introduce you to Hope and Love.

161. Hope and Love.

162. Please, come in, come in. Yes, enjoy.

163. Make yourselves at home. There's shrimp.

164. Crustaceans to enjoy on the table.

165. - You have a lovely home. - Thank you.

166. That's a very nice thing to say.

167. Hope's all yours. I want Love.

168. OK.

169. It's easy for me to remember that way.

170. Like, "Bend over, Love."

171. "Don't orphan me balls, Love."

172. It rolls off the tongue, you know what I mean?

173. Whatever you say, Krull, whatever you say.

174. You feeling OK about this?

175. Yeah, just...

176. I think it's just what the doctor ordered.

177. Yeah.

178. She's a sure thing, mate. Enjoy.

179. She'll even give you a good ass-licking if you like.

180. After a bit of exercise, it's quite nice.

181. What?

182. Don't knock it till you tried it, pal, all right?

183. No more hookers. You hear me?

184. Fine. I'm fucking broke anyway.

185. - It's not about the money. - I know.

186. I'm a fucking criminal now...

187. It's not about breaking the law either.

188. You need to have something approaching

189. a real human relationship with someone.

190. You can't just keep paying for body parts.

191. Yeah, that's easy for you to say.

192. You're a handsome guy with a great fucking body.

193. Why, thank you.

194. I'm in really good shape right now,

195. but my looks are a serious problem.

196. And I sweat way too fucking much.

197. Girls don't like clammy hands on their tits. That's a fact.

198. Hey. Isn't that that girl from that time? Remember?

199. Yeah, the one who wanted a photo with you

200. because you were famous for fucking your students?

201. Yeah, that made me feel awesome. Good times, Dad.

202. You should go talk to her. She's all by her lonesome over there.

203. - Come on. - She's not really my type.

204. You don't have a type.

205. - Sure I do. Everyone has a type. - You shouldn't.

206. You should be open to anything with a couple of X chromosomes, dude.

207. Shit, she's staring right at me. What do I do?

208. Wave at her.

209. No, not like the Queen of England. Come here.

210. Come with me. Look, somewhere inside you is the courage

211. to put yourself out there.

212. - Now reach in and grab it. - OK.

213. Be funny, be charming, be bold, motherfucker.

214. - Hey, hey! - What's up, prof?

215. Nothing much, former student, whose name I can't recall at this time.

216. Apologies. You remember Levon?

217. Yeah, you're the actor guy, right?

218. - Not really, no. - Yeah.

219. - OK, aspiring actor, yes. - Right.

220. You're Tara, right?

221. - You remembered. - Yeah.

222. I went to school with this chick named Sara.

223. She was retarded.

224. Sorry. I guess you're not supposed to say that any more but,

225. she was seriously mentally handicapped like,

226. really fucking tweaked. All the kids made fun of her and shit.

227. I didn't because I always felt pretty retarded myself.

228. That's how I remembered. Sara, Tara...

229. Not that you're retarded or tweaked or anything.

230. Thank you.

231. No, you're not like that at all. You're really pretty,

232. and not in a generic way, like,

233. "You're so pretty, do you want to dance?"

234. You're, like, uniquely pretty.

235. Like, there's probably no other girl in the world

236. who looks exactly like you.

237. And you've got this really cool vibe.

238. You make me feel good...

239. Not in a creepy "my wiener feels weird" kind of way.

240. Like, happy good.

241. It makes me want to get to know you better.

242. Would you have a drink with me, Tara?

243. Sure, Levon. I'll have my own, but sure.

244. OK.

245. I'm just gonna run to the restroom real quick, OK?

246. Hey, if you don't come back, it was nice to see you again.

247. - I'll be back, Levon. I promise. - Cool.

248. Watch out for the toilet paper. It's rough stuff.

249. I like how she says my name.

250. That's the way it starts, my friend.

251. - You did good. - Thanks.

252. Here, drinks are on me.

253. Try to make it to dinner, OK?

254. Dude, if I can get her to have dinner with me,

255. I can probably bang her outright...

256. - No banging. - No banging?

257. Just talking, all right?

258. - What about fingering? - I will break that finger right off.

259. Just enjoy her.

260. And let her enjoy you, OK? All right?

261. Try not to fart.

262. I love you, you know that?

263. I do. And I fucking love you too, Dad.

264. Good. Good, good, good.

265. Having a dad is fucking awesome.

266. Don't cry. Here she comes.

267. I'm around if you need me. Call me. Titty twister.

268. You're back.

269. I just need one of those.

270. Dirty old game they call pool?

271. Yeah, show me your best.

272. - OK. Right there. - The white one's the cue ball.

273. I'll be the stripes.

274. Hey!

275. - I think he's gonna be all right. - Where is he?

276. - He's with a girl. - Alone?

277. No, he's in a bar, just like us once upon a time.

278. - Did you pay her? - Not a dime.

279. - He did it all himself. Yeah. - That's good.

280. I hope he doesn't take his penis out.

281. I hope he does. At the appropriate time.

282. No, seriously, Julia, I think he's gonna be fine.

283. I really do.

284. No, honestly, getting to know him...

285. Just... He's been maybe the most pleasant surprise of my adult life.

286. Thank you.

287. I know the feeling.

288. - Yeah. - Thank you.

289. Wait. Hold on.

290. Don't you fucking cock-block yourself.

291. No, no, no, I want to do this right.

292. You mean, like, with protection? I think I have condoms somewhere.

293. No, no, no, I want to take you out to dinner...

294. Tonight, all right?

295. - I like dinner. - You like dinner?

296. All right, that settles it, then.

297. - OK. - We're on, all right.

298. Wear your best dress. Leave those underwear at home.

299. - Kruller, looking good. - Hello, Hank.

300. - Where's baldo? - He's in the guest room.

301. - Say hello to Love. - Hello, Love.

302. Hello.

303. - As you were. - All right.

304. That's it.

305. - Yeah? - Yeah.

306. - What the fuck is this? - What does it look like?

307. Why in my bedroom?

308. I can't fuck another woman in my marital bed, Hank.

309. - That's sick. - Class up the ass, Runks...

310. Class up the fucking ass.

311. You shouldn't have done this. It's not worth it.

312. This shit is never worth it... No disrespect, milady.

313. - You are a work of art. - Thank you.

314. I didn't do anything, Hank.

315. Yeah, he couldn't get it up. I did everything I could.

316. It was like nibbling on a piece of string cheese.

317. It's really making me question my chosen career path.

318. No, no, no, it's not you.

319. But you really should consider going back to law school.

320. It's definitely not you.

321. This kid is an absolute fucking mess,

322. but you should go back to school.

323. Now, this is great news, Runks.

324. Put your limp dick away, get in your girly car,

325. and drive up to Stu's poste-haste. You got to put an end to this shit.

326. You'll thank me later. You are welcome.

327. She probably already fucked him, Hank. Twice, three times.

328. Four times a lady. You'll never know if you don't try.

329. Now be bold, you fucking ninny.

330. There you go. Put some clothes on.

331. You look like someone dragged you out of the river.

332. I'm sorry it didn't work out,

333. but we could get together sometime for lunch maybe,

334. with my wife or not.

335. We'll see. We'll see.

336. Hey, would you mind if I practise on you?

337. - Practise what? - Sex.

338. Thanks for everything, Krull.

339. That is tempting.

340. But, you know, I've already turned down sex once today,

341. and I think I can do it again.

342. Are you sure?

343. Yeah.

344. - No. - No?

345. Yeah. No.

346. Yes.

347. No.

348. Yes. Be gone, harlot.

349. I've got writing to do. And get your ass back in school.

350. We have done it all, Marcy.

351. We swam. We played tennis. We had lunch.

352. We meditated. We did some yoga. We had massages.

353. The only things we haven't done is fuck!

354. My balls are so swollen right now.

355. Please...

356. - Take me in your mouth. - What?

357. The contract doesn't say anything about blow jobs, Stu.

358. - Intercourse only. - Hey, hey. Blow jobs are implied.

359. Get a better lawyer.

360. OK, fine.

361. Is it all right if I penetrate you, then?

362. I just feel so weird about all this.

363. Well, of course, it's weird.

364. It's like riding a bicycle. I mean,

365. once big daddy enters the rain forest, all will be right with the world.

366. You know what? I have to check and see if the money transferred.

367. - You don't trust me! - Why would I trust you?

368. You're a fucking crazy person, Stu.

369. You go ahead and check. I have to pee.

370. Do you know how difficult it is to urinate

371. with an erection this size?

372. What the actual fuck?

373. What the fuck is this?

374. This is quite embarrassing.

375. Not to mention really fucking creepy.

376. You know, this is not as creepy as you may think.

377. She is my loving tribute to you. Isn't she beautiful?

378. She's a fuck doll, Stu.

379. She's an expensive fuck doll. 15 large.

380. But...

381. But she's so much more than that.

382. She's a woman, just like you.

383. And I have made love to her, just like I made love to you.

384. Want me to show you?

385. Jesus fucking Christ. This is too fucking weird.

386. You need help, Stu.

387. Wait, wait, wait. Marcy, Marcy. No, no! No.

388. Don't... Don't go. Don't go.

389. Look, I paid you a million dollars so I could fuck you, woman.

390. The least you could do is let me fuck you.

391. Come here.

392. No, don't fight it.

393. I will pepper you with kisses,

394. and you will remember what it is like...

395. What, you're gonna rape me now?

396. Come on, Marcy!

397. How many rape games have we played? Requested by you, no less.

398. Those are games, Stu! "No" means "no," you know!

399. Is that the safe word?

400. Don't do it, Marcy!

401. My God.

402. I was totally hoping that you would make some lame attempt to rescue me.

403. Am I too late? Did you guys already fuck?

404. No!

405. I couldn't do it!

406. That is fantastic news!

407. What have you been doing all day?

408. Everything, but.

409. You mean, like, anal?

410. No, he didn't even finger me.

411. I didn't.

412. And things got so weird

413. because I found that fucking sex-doll thing over there... Me.

414. Solid. I'd throw a shot into her.

415. Look, guys, you know, this is obviously a really terrible idea.

416. Look...

417. I am sorry I messed with you guys' marriage. Why don't you just

418. give me the money back, we call it even?

419. Fine. Let's go, Runks.

420. No, no, no, no. You know what?

421. Fuck you, Stu. We're keeping the money.

422. Hey! The hell you are, Runkle!

423. A million bucks is still a million bucks.

424. You said it yourself, Stu.

425. You fucked with our marriage.

426. I could sue you for alienation of affection.

427. Yeah, and you would lose, motherfucker.

428. Maybe, but I could still leak a story about a freaky, washed-up producer

429. who's into prostitutes and sex dolls.

430. I'm not washed-up.

431. You try me, Stu. I will fuck you up!

432. I will make you eat all of my balls.

433. You are getting some fucking teeth at last, Runkle!

434. Good for you!

435. Listen, I realise I have sinned.

436. The money is my penance.

437. I'm sorry, guys.

438. Whatever I did, I did out of love.

439. It just fucks with a man's head.

440. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

441. Let me guess.

442. You were expecting someone else?

443. Yeah.

444. Me too.

445. - Fucking guy. - Fucking guy!

446. Do you want me to go?

447. - Do you want to go? - No, no fucking way.

448. Then stay.

449. All right.

450. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

451. Funny running into you here.

452. Fuck.

453. Good-bye, old girl.

454. Karen. I made it.

455. Hey. Good for you.

456. Our baby's getting married.

457. What do you want... Like, a pat on the back for doing the right thing?

458. Come on, a little positive affirmation never hurt anyone.

459. OK, it's good.

460. Don't ask.

461. - Come on, please? - No.

462. - I need to sit next to this woman. - No, you don't. He doesn't.

463. Good. Move it along.

464. All right, all right. Karen, that's fine.

465. But... But I wrote you something,

466. because every time I open my mouth, something stupid comes out,

467. and the words don't mean what I want them to mean,

468. not even half of what I want them to mean, so... Here.

469. OK, thank you.

470. - Go ahead. - Hank, I'm tired of reading you.

471. Seriously? I thought I was your favourite author.

472. OK, well, that just means I'm gonna have to read it to you...

473. - No. - Out loud!

474. Hank, stop it. Don't be stupid...

475. "Dear Karen."

476. - That's how it starts. - God, I'm sorry.

477. "I've been thinking about us."

478. That's us with a capital U. "The story of us.

479. "How the fuck do I sum it up?

480. "Has it been perfect?

481. "Hardly.

482. "Any story with me at the centre of it

483. "will never be anything less than a big, smiling mess.

484. "But here's what I know for sure.

485. "Our time in the sun has been a thing of absolute fucking beauty.

486. "The nightmares, the hangovers, the fucking and the punching,

487. "the gorgeous, shimmering insanity of this city of ours,

488. "where for years I woke up, fucked up, said I was sorry,

489. "passed out, and did it all over again.

490. "As a writer, I'm a sucker for happy endings.

491. "The guy gets the girl.

492. "She saves him from himself... Fade to fucking black.

493. "As a guy who loves a girl,

494. "I realise there's no such thing.

495. "There's no sunset.

496. "There's just now, and there's just the two of us,

497. "which can be scary fucking ugly sometimes.

498. "But if you close your eyes and listen for the whisper of your heart,

499. "if you simply keep trying and never, ever give up,

500. "no matter how many times you get it wrong,

501. "until the beginning and end

502. "blur into something called 'until we meet again."'

503. And that's... That's it.

504. I didn't know how to finish it.

505. Because it's not over.

506. It'll never be over as long as there's you,

507. there's me,

508. and there's hope

509. and grace.

510. Excuse me. You can sit next to me if you want.

511. Fine. Take the fucking seat.

512. Thank you.

513. It's a middle. Thank you very much.

514. That hasn't necessarily won me over.

515. I... No, of course not.

516. Till the fucking wheels come off, baby.