Californication 7x11

1. Previously on Californication...

2. - Hi! - Please stay.

3. We need to get to know one another.

4. I mean, our paths are gonna be crossing.

5. This is so great.

6. He would pay you a million dollars to sleep with you?

7. Now consider this a signing bonus, 10% up front.

8. This kind of cash could get us out of all of our immediate debt.

9. I want to talk to you about Becca.

10. When are you gonna tell her about Levon?

11. - When is she getting back? - In a few weeks.

12. In a few weeks, then.

13. - You guys aren't together, right? - No.

14. You know, I asked him about Julia. He said he wasn't involved with her.

15. Next thing you know, he was inside of her, so...

16. Wait. Does this mean you guys are getting back together?

17. Cos that would be incredible.

18. It's like the world's fucking greatest love story.

19. Hank, I love you,

20. but I can't be with you.

21. Killing bad guys is my business,

22. and business is... cracking.

23. How was it?

24. It wasn't very good, was it?

25. Are you fucking kidding me right now, Mom?

26. It sucked. Hard.

27. I can't believe I even work for that show. I deserve way better.

28. I hope your episode's better than that fucking atrocity.

29. Can't promise anything.

30. Whatever.

31. - Going to bed. - Good night, buddy.

32. - Love you. - Night.

33. Love you.

34. Hi.

35. Hi.

36. We haven't been alone together in a long time.

37. Which explains why my wiener feels so weird right now.

38. Mom.

39. What, honey?

40. Is it cool if I...

41. What?

42. - What the fuck is he saying? - I don't know.

43. Can I sleep in the annexe?

44. What the fuck is the annexe? What the fuck are you holding?

45. This is my "lovey." It's like my favourite blanket.

46. I've had it since I was a little fucking baby.

47. If you really think you need to.

48. I do, I'm really worried about the future.

49. - Our future, all of us. - Why?

50. Show's gonna get cancelled, dude.

51. Sooner rather than later, and then what are we gonna do?

52. All right, you just stick a pin in that

53. and go off to the annexe and get a good night's sleep.

54. OK.

55. This is the annexe right here?

56. What the fuck? You still breast-feeding too?

57. I wish.

58. Thanks, Mom. Good night.

59. Good night, Dad.

60. Good night.

61. Gather round, people.

62. Gather round. Gather round.

63. - Yeah, so we're cancelled. - No!

64. One and out. Holy shit.

65. Sorry, did I say that out loud?

66. I gotta go call Gersh.

67. Technically speaking, we've been asked to shut down production

68. and go on hiatus.

69. I mean, a hiatus sounds good, you know?

70. I mean, I could use a break from this fucking grind.

71. You're gonna have a nice, long break,

72. all right, Hashtag?

73. Look.

74. We threw a party. Nobody showed up. It happens.

75. It's been a blast.

76. Actually, you know what? This hasn't been a blast.

77. This has been a fucking pain in the ass.

78. Thankfully a relatively short pain in the ass.

79. Learn from this, people, OK?

80. Take it with you to the next job,

81. and appreciate what you have while you have it,

82. because usually, it ends just like this.

83. Aren't we gonna fight this shit?

84. No, we're not gonna fight this shit, Levon.

85. They can't just cancel our show after one fucking episode.

86. This tubby motherfucker is speaking the truth right now.

87. America voted, Hashtag. They don't like your shit.

88. That really fucking hurts my feelings, Rath.

89. Come on, man, it's all right.

90. Hashtag, you'll live to butcher someone else's dialogue another day.

91. That's the beauty of this business of show...

92. How many chances we get to fuck it up all over again.

93. Many.

94. All right, I will be in my office drinking,

95. if anyone wants to say good-bye.

96. I understand.

97. I'm sorry, Hank.

98. What's wrong?

99. Santa Monica Cop got cancelled.

100. Lovely.

101. There goes that pathetic fucking trickle of a revenue stream.

102. I am sure I can get Hank on another show.

103. God, Charlie. I have to fuck Stu.

104. I know it's upsetting, baby.

105. I'm crying because I know you have to fuck Stu.

106. I'm crying because I can't even fucking provide for you and our son.

107. I'm crying because our life is so fucking pathetic right now,

108. it seems like this is the only option.

109. So now, it's my turn to provide. Big fucking deal.

110. I just have to go out and schtup my ex so we can make the rent.

111. There's worse things... I guess.

112. I'm gonna fucking kill myself!

113. Don't kill yourself, baby.

114. Don't you think our son has enough shit to deal with about his old man,

115. you're gonna throw in paternal suicide too?

116. That's true. You're right.

117. When you're right, you're right.

118. I just don't think I can stay here knowing you're out there fucking Stu

119. without hurting myself.

120. I have an idea.

121. - You're not gonna do it? - No, I'm gonna do it.

122. I'm gonna do it,

123. but I think that maybe you should do it too.

124. Fuck Stu?

125. No, you idiot, fuck someone else.

126. If you have to deal with the unpleasantness of me fucking Stu,

127. I think it's only fair that...

128. You should get to fuck somebody else too.

129. Really?

130. Yes.

131. I'm intrigued.

132. Continue, please.

133. Just once,

134. and I don't wanna know about it. I'm serious.

135. You keep that shit to yourself.

136. I have a confession to make.

137. I'm incredibly hard right now.

138. Really? That's funny.

139. Because I'm incredibly wet right now.

140. Are we sick people?

141. I think that goes without saying.

142. Should we bone?

143. I think that goes without saying.

144. Gotta move fast... I literally have ten minutes

145. before I have to pick up Stuart and get him to speech therapy.

146. - May I? - I insist.

147. You ever thought about giving up

148. all this television writing hoo-ha and getting back to your music?

149. Fuck that, this is the only thing I have that's actually pure.

150. You know, the second you try and get serious about something,

151. it loses all its magic.

152. Word to your mother.

153. What's next?

154. I have a deal with the studio.

155. They'll ask me to step in and save some other fucking disaster.

156. Or... Or write another pilot.

157. Same shit, different year, you know.

158. Gotta keep the pool heated, right?

159. - So my son can defile it some more? - Yeah.

160. The real question is, what's next for Hank Moody?

161. Fuck if I know, man.

162. You know, I don't think you should go work on another show.

163. You don't think I have what it takes?

164. No, you have what it takes.

165. It's just a waste of what you have.

166. I think you should write a show of your own.

167. I appreciate that, but I...

168. I don't know what I'd write about.

169. I don't know about cops or lawyers or doctors.

170. No, no, no, no, fuck that shit.

171. Write about what you do know. Write about you.

172. Write about your fucked-up friends.

173. Write about your kids, the ones you know about.

174. - Write about Karen. - And, Julia.

175. Write about Julia. Just leave a little room in there,

176. for someone to swoop in and steal her away.

177. Just a little.

178. Think about it.

179. I will.

180. Hey, pretty lady.

181. Hey there, sailor.

182. - Charlie. - Lisa.

183. What's the matter, Charlie? You seem a little nervous.

184. I am, I am, I'm a little nervous, yeah,

185. more than I thought I would be.

186. What's there to be nervous about?

187. You're just a guy talking to a girl.

188. I suppose you're right. Yeah.

189. - Can I... Can I buy you a drink? - Sure.

190. - I like drinks. - Krull?

191. Whatever the lady would like.

192. The lady wants a Jäger shot.

193. Same for the gentleman, I guess.

194. Married?

195. This old thing.

196. Yeah, we have kind of an arrangement, yeah.

197. That's cool. I have a boyfriend.

198. Right on, right on.

199. So what did you have in mind?

200. A liaison, perhaps?

201. Liaison.

202. I know a cheap little motel close by.

203. - Really? What would you do? - Do?

204. To me in a cheap hotel?

205. To you, you know, first, I would kiss you.

206. No kissing. Not hot, not for a liaison.

207. No kissing. OK.

208. I would... I would fondle your boobs...

209. Right? Because, you know... And then, I would maybe

210. get a sense of your ass, you know?

211. And then, I suppose my penis would make an appearance.

212. Yeah? I would put it in your mouth.

213. And then I might take it out again.

214. Maybe I would slap you on the forehead with it,

215. just a little bit, you know, just for fun. Just for fun.

216. You're a dirty little birdie, Charlie.

217. You have no idea, Lisa.

218. Really? What else? I like this game.

219. OK, I would pull down your pants.

220. I would tear off your panties and stuff 'em in your mouth.

221. - Nice. - I would wrap the phone cord

222. around your neck. Not too hard, of course.

223. - Of course. - I would like to, you know...

224. - Rough is fun. - Holy shit.

225. You know what, you may just be my sexual soul mate.

226. That's sweet.

227. And then, I would take you from behind.

228. I would fucking... No, no, no, scratch that.

229. Not from behind, no, because that's... You know, it gets me going too much.

230. It's too good. Yeah, it's like two seconds,

231. and I'd be done.

232. No, we wouldn't want that.

233. No, no. You know what?

234. Allow me to demonstrate something for you

235. that I like to call "la Runkle."

236. Come here, come here, stand up. Look at this.

237. - OK! - I find

238. that if I move in little circles,

239. it keeps me in the game far longer, far longer.

240. This simple change from this to that,

241. and it makes me last a little bit longer.

242. What the fuck is this?

243. I beg your pardon?

244. Who's the clown?

245. This is Charlie.

246. Charlie, this is my boyfriend Mack.

247. Charlie was just describing what he'd like to do to me

248. in a cheap motel.

249. Yeah?

250. Wanna know what I'd do to you in a cheap motel, Charlie?

251. Or even in a bar?

252. Come on, dirty girl. Let's get naked.

253. - What's up, Harpo? - You know what, Dad?

254. You got a great fucking body, seriously.

255. Thanks?

256. Yeah, I wish the apple fell a little closer to the bush on that one.

257. - That's not... - How do I...

258. How do I get abs like that?

259. I would start by laying off the fucking pizza.

260. Yeah, like that's gonna happen.

261. This is a great idea, Dad.

262. I fucking love pizza and movie night.

263. Just what the doctor ordered, you know?

264. So what if I'm unemployed now?

265. I talked to Rath,

266. and he's gonna let you stay on for as long as he can.

267. Yeah, but then what?

268. Then you go out, and you get another job.

269. Yeah, but how am I just gonna

270. luck into another job like I did with this one?

271. Maybe you don't luck into another job.

272. Maybe you actually go out and you find one.

273. Yeah, that's... That's never really worked for me.

274. I'm gonna throw some clothes on.

275. Hurry up, dude. Pizza's gonna get cold.

276. Fuck. God damn it.

277. Mom? Thank God. You gotta help me.

278. - My God. Hi. - Hi.

279. You're... You're Becca.

280. Yes, I am. And you are...

281. Levon. I'm... I'm Levon. Hi!

282. Nice to meet you, Levon.

283. You said my name right.

284. - Is that unusual? - Yeah.

285. I'm sorry, did you... Do you know about me?

286. - No. - You don't know about me? Shit.

287. I'm looking for my father.

288. Yeah, he's... He's getting dressed.

289. Where's Charlie and Marcy?

290. - I don't know. They're weird. - Yeah, they are.

291. You're a lot hotter than your pictures.

292. Thanks?

293. I'm sorry. That's weird.

294. But your mom's totally hot, makes sense.

295. - You know my mom? - Yeah, she's cool.

296. Super milfy. Where is she?

297. Parking the car. So how do you know my father?

298. Let's get this pizza-movie night started.

299. Sweetie.

300. So I met your strange little friend.

301. Yeah.

302. About my strange little friend...

303. Will you just tell her already?

304. The suspense is fucking killing me here, dude.

305. Tell me what?

306. I have some news.

307. Yeah, me too. That's why I'm here.

308. Great, why don't you go first?

309. No, you first, dude. This is ridiculous.

310. I wanna give her a fucking hug already.

311. Why?

312. Can't do it, can you?

313. You're embarrassed of me. I fucking knew it.

314. I wanted to tell you, but I didn't wanna do it over the phone.

315. Hey, I got three bottles. I hope it's enough. I know you like to drink.

316. Holy shit. Is this Becca?

317. Holy shit. My gosh.

318. It's so great to finally meet you.

319. Who are you?

320. I'm Julia, Levon's mom.

321. Are you excited to meet your brother?

322. My brother?

323. Missus, you back!

324. - Hi, Irma. - You put perfect?

325. - Is he in? - Yes, of course, he's in.

326. Marcy?

327. - Hi, Stu. - Hi.

328. How are you?

329. - Never better. - Can we talk?

330. - Of course. - Alone.

331. Irma, you hear the woman of the house.

332. Be gone with you!

333. What can I do for you, Marcy?

334. I assume that the offer still stands?

335. Well, of course it does...

336. Don't toy with me, woman.

337. Are you in?

338. Yes, I'm in.

339. OK.

340. Let's do it.

341. - Yeah. OK. - Here we... Come on.

342. Right there.

343. So just sign right here.

344. OK.

345. And if you could initial here...

346. - OK. OK. - Yeah. And right there.

347. And we are done.

348. And I'll take that. Thank you.

349. All right, so let's just...

350. Should we do this? Let's do this.

351. - What? What, now? - Yeah.

352. Now, there's no time like the present. I mean, let's get this shit over with.

353. - No offence. - Yeah, let... Let's just do it.

354. - Let's do it now. - Yeah.

355. OK.

356. - Come here. - OK.

357. - Yeah. - All right.

358. - OK. - I've missed you.

359. OK.

360. OK.

361. OK. All right, Stu. Maybe not now.

362. I just... It's too much. My head's not in the game.

363. - Can we just do this tomorrow? - Absolutely, darling.

364. Absolutely, it would give me more time to prepare.

365. - OK. - I need to groom myself,

366. could use a wax.

367. Do you want to...

368. To wax you before I fuck you for money? No, Stu. God, no.

369. - Understood. So tomorrow. - OK.

370. - OK. - Tomorrow.

371. I will enter you tomorrow.

372. Yes, you will.

373. - I can't wait. - Yes. Good times. Yeah.

374. - Good times. - OK.

375. Tomorrow, my dear.

376. Tonight...

377. We practise.

378. Yeah.

379. Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy?

380. - So you knocked up... - Julia.

381. Sorry, so you knocked up Julia before you met Mom?

382. Let's hope so.

383. Give me a break, Karen. Come on.

384. Yeah, I didn't think about that.

385. Do you think he was sleeping with both of us at the same time?

386. Yeah, I mean, I guess anything's possible.

387. It's Hank we're talking about, right?

388. I guess you're right.

389. Ladies, I'm right here.

390. Yes, I impregnated Julia just before I met your mom.

391. Who you then quickly impregnated.

392. What a fucking baller!

393. Honey, don't talk like that.

394. I'm sorry, just... Just trying to keep it light. My B, my B.

395. Honey, I know this is

396. a really shitty way to find out about something so huge,

397. and I'm sorry.

398. I don't know, given the story of my life,

399. this seems perfectly appropriate.

400. Yeah.

401. So where... Where do we go from here, Becca?

402. What do you mean?

403. What do you mean, what do I mean?

404. I have a fucking sister. How cool is that?

405. You have a fucking brother. How cool is that?

406. I don't know yet.

407. You're sarcastic, just like Dad.

408. I love it, I wanna fucking party with you, kid.

409. Can you not call him that?

410. But he's my father.

411. He's my father.

412. OK, so he's our father. Deal with it, Becca.

413. Hey, stop being such a dick.

414. She's just absorbing the information right now.

415. I knew you were gonna take her side.

416. I am not siding with anyone.

417. That's all right. You love her more, don't you?

418. Why wouldn't you? She's your real kid.

419. That's your real family. We're just the dirty one-night stand of families.

420. I'm a retard, and my mom's a slut.

421. Honey, don't talk like that. Behave yourself.

422. Look, he's just... I'm sorry, he's emotional.

423. Will you four please excuse me while I go hang myself?

424. No! You don't get to do that.

425. You don't get to feel sorry for yourself.

426. - Not even a little bit? - No, this is your life.

427. - Deal with it. - Yeah.

428. This is your life, Hank Moody. Deal with it.

429. I am dealing with it.

430. How was your trip, honey?

431. - It was amazing, actually. - That's fantastic.

432. How was...

433. Now is not the time to be a dick, Dad.

434. Up high, sis.

435. You're a little uptight. Anyone ever tell you that?

436. I'm not... I'm not... I'm not being a dick.

437. I seriously, I don't remember the gentleman's name.

438. - Ross. - Roscoe.

439. Yeah, Roscoe. Good ol' Roscoe. Did he behave himself?

440. - Did Roscoe... - Tread carefully, Hank.

441. Why? What? I don't... I don't get it.

442. Becca has news.

443. Yes, she said that earlier, that she had news.

444. Now's not the time, Mom.

445. You're right. I'm sorry.

446. No, no, no, now is the time.

447. I just came clean. Your turn.

448. I'm getting married.

449. - Congratulations! - No, you're not.

450. - I am, Dad. - No, you're not.

451. Yeah, well, there's not a lot you can do about it, is there?

452. Besides, don't you have your hands full at the moment,

453. juggling your two families?

454. Becca, this is ridiculous.

455. Any more than this?

456. I love weddings.

457. I mean, brother of the bride. Are you kidding me?

458. I'm invited, right? Cos I'll totally come.

459. Honey, I think we should go.

460. What about pizza and movie night?

461. - We can do it another time. - Don't bother.

462. - I wanna go home... - OK, sweetie.

463. Wherever the fuck that is these days.

464. Sorry, baby.

465. For what?

466. Where the fuck do I begin?

467. I'm not mad about Levon.

468. It's kinda nice not being the only child any more.

469. I look forward to getting to know him,

470. sort of.

471. He seems amusing.

472. He is. He's a good kid.

473. That's very mature of you to acknowledge that,

474. but that's not surprising.

475. You were always the mature one in the family.

476. Ain't that the truth.

477. Yeah.

478. So what's all this about you getting married?

479. Just that.

480. I'm getting married.

481. I know you think you're all head over heels

482. in love with this guy at this point...

483. Please don't be condescending right now.

484. In exchange, I promise not to be condescending

485. about your latest in a long line of chronic fuck-ups.

486. Deal?

487. My chronic fuck-ups aside, this is not a good idea, Becca.

488. - Why? - Cos you're so young.

489. I'm young, and you're old... er.

490. Thank you.

491. What's your point?

492. Looking back, can you honestly say

493. that you're happy you never got married?

494. Didn't it basically doom you to a lifetime of loneliness?

495. It's not about being married or not being married, Becca.

496. - What's it about then? - I don't know.

497. Honestly, I couldn't tell you right now.

498. But what are the odds that this particular clown...

499. This particular young gentleman is the one?

500. You're one to talk about odds.

501. Didn't you get it right the first time?

502. Isn't that what you're always bragging about?

503. What makes you so fucking special? Why couldn't it happen to me too?

504. - OK, so why the rush? - Because he asked, and I answered.

505. And it feels right to me. I'm trusting my gut.

506. I would think you of all people could understand that.

507. I cannot in good conscience endorse this shit, Becca.

508. You've got a lot of fucking nerve, Dad,

509. after all the shit you've asked me to endorse over the years?

510. That's fair, fair enough.

511. I come home with good news, great news,

512. the biggest news in my life, and I can't even get it out

513. before I'm confronted with the wreckage of your fucking past.

514. I'm sorry.

515. I don't...

516. I don't know what else to say.

517. Yeah, me too.

518. We're doing it in New York. You can be a part of it or not.

519. Totally up to you.

520. But it's happening.

521. And I'm not gonna let you make me fucking miserable about it.