Brooklyn Nine-Nine 8x7

1. Good morning, Cousin Tommy. I love you.

2. Good morning, Cousin Mel. I love you.

3. Good morning, Cousin Sam. I love you.

4. Good morning, Cousin Tommy. I love you.

5. Good morning, Cousin Becca. I love you.

6. Good morning, Cousin Sam. I love you.

7. Good morning, Pappy Boyle. I love you.

8. Good morning, Becca. I love you.

9. Ooh, extra-long hug.

10. What got into you this morning, Pappy?

11. Pappy?

12. Pappy!

13. Oh, Charles.

14. I'm so sorry about your great-uncle Pappy.

15. You holding up okay? I've been managing.

16. Mmm... Have you though?

17. Number two, step up.

18. Say, "Charles, it's Pappy. I'll always love you."

19. Okay. Uh,

20. "Charles, it's Pappy. I'll always love you."

21. Then why did you leave me?

22. Anyway, thanks for coming with me to the funeral.

23. I think we're all packed.

24. I just got to go grab the coffin.

25. Wait, why are you bringing the coffin?

26. I brought a coffin to my nana's funeral on a whim,

27. and it was a big hit. So now, guess who's the coffin cousin?

28. Got to say, Terry, I'm a little surprised you're coming to this.

29. Honestly, I need a break from the kids.

30. Cagney and Lacey keep trying to trick me

31. into falling down the stairs on TikTok.

32. Terry can't sprain another ankle.

33. Well, I, for one, am pumped to be going.

34. To a funeral? I'm so bored, Terry.

35. I've been suspended for 87 days.

36. Mac gets dropped off at day care,

37. and I just sit at home playing Animal Crossing.

38. But no one will buy my bugs or fossils.

39. I'm desperate for some normal human interaction.

40. Coffin delivery!

41. Okay, fine. It doesn't have to be normal or human.

42. Any interaction will work.

43. Yo. You forgot your lunch.

44. Oh. Thank you, Diaz.

45. Sir, I didn't realize you were still staying at Rosa's.

46. I thought couple's counseling was going well.

47. Not anymore. At Kevin's request,

48. I offered to reduce my work hours by 26%.

49. Kevin countered with 50

50. which I countered with 30.

51. Then Kevin says 40...

52. Seems like a lot of math for therapy.

53. That's what Dr. Cheryl said.

54. Anyway, Kevin refuses to budge from 36%.

55. And I'm starting to worry that I might lose to him.

56. You mean lose him.

57. No. Lose to him.

58. Therapy is a chess match.

59. And I will prevail.

60. Or it's about saving your marriage.

61. You should make a grand romantic gesture.

62. Ugh, so dumb.

63. Seriously? From the woman

64. who loves Nancy Meyers movies?

65. Yeah. Here's what I've learned as a PI.

66. People suck, everyone cheats, and love is an illusion.

67. Nancy Meyers is a fool, and Holt should start dating.

68. What? You heard me.

69. It's the only way you're gonna beat Kevin.

70. I'm thinking about it. I'm considering it,

71. and I've decided.

72. I'm in.

73. Here it is. Pappy Boyle's farm.

74. I spent every summer here as a kid.

75. Got to say, it's nicer than I was expecting.

76. Pappy did well for himself.

77. You know, he went to business school in New York.

78. He got a job in Wall Street.

79. And one day his hand got caught in a subway door.

80. And he was dragged from Times Square into Queens.

81. Largest settlement in city history.

82. Pappy should've used that cash on pest control.

83. There's giant rats everywhere.

84. Those are nutria, Terry. They're nothing like rats.

85. They have meatier haunches,

86. and their teeth are more orange.

87. You know, nutria are actually great pets.

88. They're affectionate and smart.

89. They know how to open doors.

90. Plus, you can milk them.

91. But... Should you?

92. Pappy drank nutria milk, and he was fit as a fiddle.

93. Anyway, you got to see the house.

94. I can't wait to show you the rug I was born on.

95. Sure it's been cleaned since then.

96. Charles Boyle, I love you.

97. Sam Boyle, I love you.

98. Where's that dead body?

99. He's in the barn, and he looks adorable.

100. Ah, terrific. And everything's set for the funeral?

101. There's one little issue. We can't find Pappy's will.

102. What? He wanted to leave the farm

103. to the Council of Cousins, but if we don't find those papers,

104. it goes to Cousin Lyndon.

105. Oh, no. Who's Cousin Lyndon?

106. Pappy's son. He's the black sheep of the family.

107. Wait, so we have a wealthy patriarch

108. who mysteriously died, a missing will,

109. and a black sheep set to inherit everything?

110. Am I the only one who suspects foul play here?

111. He didn't die mysteriously. He was 93.

112. He was fit as fiddle, Terr.

113. From all the nutria milk.

114. Don't be ridiculous. No Boyle would ever commit murder.

115. Boyles don't even get mad at each other.

116. Except in that rare instance of cousin-on-cousin jealousy.

117. You're just bored from your suspension

118. and desperate to find a case to work.

119. No. That's not it.

120. I'm just telling you,

121. something doesn't smell right here.

122. Oh, yeah. That's Pappy's body.

123. Cousin Mel did the embalming in here,

124. and I think she forgot to add something.

125. Well, that's a disturbing revelation.

126. Hey. What's going on?

127. I'm helping Holt pick a dating site.

128. Oh, this looks good. PhDs only.

129. Uh, actually in this context,

130. PHD stands for Pretty Huge.

131. Oh, my.

132. I can only assume that MDs only stands for Medium.

133. Rosa, can I talk to you for a second?

134. What the hell are you doing?

135. Why are you trying to get Holt and Kevin to break up?

136. I'm trying to get Holt and Kevin back together.

137. He and Kevin are perfect for each other.

138. He just needs to realize that.

139. Once he sees what other trash is out there,

140. he's gonna go running straight back

141. into Kevin's arms,

142. just like in a Nancy Meyers movie.

143. So you still love Nancy Meyers?

144. I will never turn my back on Nancy Meyers.

145. Okay. I'm in.

146. Let operation "Lucky Number Kevin" begin.

147. I'm out. No, no, no. We don't have to call it that.

148. Okay, then I think I'll finish up by saying

149. Pappy Boyle was the best hugger.

150. Which is surprising because he lost his hand in the subway.

151. But he always said,

152. "You don't hug with your hands,

153. "you hug with your heart.

154. "And your groin." He got that groin involved.

155. Uh, a lot of groin talk for a eulogy.

156. Everyone, there's something you need to see in the barn.

157. The game is afoot.

158. Pappy Boyle was 93. Who would've suspected

159. that his death stemmed from anything other than

160. the cruel embrace of Father Time?

161. To suggest as much might get someone

162. labeled a crackpot, a kook,

163. someone that's "bored with their suspension."

164. Can you cut the Harriet the Spy windup?

165. It stinks in here.

166. What you're smelling, Terry, is duplicity and deceit.

167. I think it's actually Pappy's organs.

168. Sam, you're kind of messing with my flow right now.

169. Point is, I was examining the body,

170. and I found something.

171. Classic ulceration and desquamation of the mouth.

172. Telltale signs of poisoning.

173. In other words...

174. What we have ourselves here

175. is a good ol' fashioned murder...

176. Oh, no.

177. of a man who you all loved dearly.

178. I shouldn't have done the Knives Out accent.

179. All right. A man has been poisoned, his will is missing,

180. and there's only one person who stands to profit.

181. Lyndon Boyle.

182. Lyndon's not a killer.

183. I mean, he did skip a Boyle family Zoom last summer.

184. Yeah, it's true. It's seven hours out of your day.

185. How hard is that to fit in?

186. Okay, let's set up an interrogation room.

187. I wanna make this guy as uncomfortable as possible.

188. I thought we were going for uncomfortable.

189. What's with the rocking chair?

190. It's a farm. All the chairs are rockers.

191. But don't worry, I under-steeped the tea.

192. Ugh. It's so weak.

193. Why am I being treated like a criminal?

194. Okay. I stand corrected.

195. We'd like to ask you a few questions.

196. Tell us about your last contact with your father.

197. Pappy? Well, I saw him at his birthday party.

198. Mmm-hmm. And was there anything unusual

199. about that night? Nothing unusual at all.

200. We ate a pig from snout to anus,

201. and then took turns giving each other head massages.

202. I was tired. So I found Pappy,

203. wished him a happy birthday.

204. We hugged for six minutes.

205. It was the last time I saw him alive.

206. Did you see those tears?

207. No way he did it. Are you serious?

208. Anyone can fake cry.

209. You just have to think of something sad.

210. Like that episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

211. when Leonardo was in a coma.

212. And that works? Yeah.

213. Yeah, it does.

214. Now, come on. Let's go poke some

215. holes in Lyndon's story.

216. It was such a great party. Everyone had the best time.

217. I mean, except for Lyndon.

218. Lyndon wasn't happy? Yeah, it was strange.

219. He was passing through the living room.

220. I asked him if he wanted a little HJ.

221. But he just ignored me.

222. I mean, who doesn't want an HJ from their cousin?

223. Hold up. An HJ?

224. A head job. A massage.

225. Isn't that what everyone calls it?

226. You bet. Absolutely not.

227. Okay, so why was Lyndon angry?

228. I bet it was whatever Pappy said to him.

229. Wait. What Pappy said when?

230. When they were in Pappy's study.

231. We heard raised voices.

232. And then Lyndon said...

233. Good night.

234. walked out of the room, and closed the door behind him.

235. That's all he said? "Good night"?

236. Gentlemen...

237. I just solved this case.

238. Sir, if you wanna get a date off of these sites,

239. you're gonna have to give me a little more

240. from your profile photo.

241. I just gave you a series of eight poses,

242. each increasing in sexual provocativeness by one-eighth.

243. If you wanted septiles or deciles

244. of sexiness, you should've told me.

245. What? Why do you care so much, Santiago?

246. I thought you didn't like the idea of me dating.

247. Yes, initially.

248. But then I thought about your metaphor

249. about how relationships are like a chess match.

250. Mmm-hmm. And it really convinced me.

251. That was a strong observation.

252. So why don't you think of this profile photo

253. as an epic chess move?

254. Like Vladimirov's Thunderbolt of 1987.

255. Close the door, Diaz.

256. I'm removing my collar stays.

257. Why am I back here? Like I told you,

258. it was a typical night.

259. Right. Cousin kissing circle,

260. everyone gets burped after dinner.

261. Normal stuff. But let's talk about what happened

262. after the burping, shall we?

263. What are you getting at? What exactly do you think happened that night?

264. I'm so glad you asked.

265. I think Pappy called you into his study and told you

266. he was cutting you out of his will.

267. Tempers flared. Voices were raised.

268. What?

269. You were furious you wouldn't be inheriting the farm.

270. I don't even want the farm.

271. I've always been more of a city boy.

272. I live in Poughkeepsie.

273. Well, I guess that settles it.

274. Except you didn't say I love you.

275. Excuse me? When you left, you said, "Good night."

276. You didn't say, "I love you."

277. Now, you may be a black sheep, but you're still a Boyle.

278. And a Boyle always says "I love you."

279. Not always. Look around you. It's written everywhere.

280. Okay, fine. We were fighting.

281. But not over the will.

282. Pappy was mad at me

283. for missing that Zoom call this summer.

284. I mean honestly, Lyndon, what did you expect would happen?

285. He said I was a disgrace to the Boyle name.

286. So I didn't say, "I love you."

287. I just stormed out to the shed.

288. I went to get the Grandmother Dough.

289. The Grandmother Dough?

290. Here it is. The original

291. Boyle family sourdough starter.

292. It's still good, but the lid on the jar

293. has been stuck for over a hundred years.

294. There's an old family legend

295. that it can only be opened by

296. the one true Boyle. Mmm-hmm.

297. I wanted to show my dad that I was not a disgrace to the family.

298. But I couldn't budge it.

299. Maybe he was right.

300. Oh, Lyndon. What a tale.

301. But I don't think that's why you came in this barn at all.

302. I think you came in here

303. for this.

304. Is that nutria poison?

305. It's rat poison. Nutria are pets. You psychopath.

306. Ah. Nitrobenzene.

307. That causes the exact type of ulcers we found in Pappy Boyle's mouth.

308. And look what we have here.

309. A single brown hair, belonging to the murderer.

310. Terry, please send this off

311. to the local police station for a DNA test.

312. Now all we need is one of your hairs, Lyndon.

313. I didn't kill my father. Why am I being singled out?

314. Why not take a hair from every Boyle

315. so Cousin Lyndon doesn't feel that way?

316. Sure, great idea. I'll go first.

317. I mean it's more work for the lab, but it's fine with me.

318. Are you okay with that, Lyndon?

319. Oh, wow. Went with a nose hair.

320. Didn't see that coming.

321. But it's definitely long enough.

322. No.

323. Okay, sir. This app's pretty simple.

324. If you don't like the guy's profile, you click "dang,"

325. and if you do, you click "daaang."

326. That sounds needlessly confusing.

327. Why? "Dang" is bad and "daaang" is good?

328. Okay, let's thin this herd.

329. Untucked shirt, no thank you.

330. Born in San Diego, yikes.

331. An adult named Todd?

332. So this is what online dating is like?

333. I didn't realize.

334. Realize how good you have it with Kevin?

335. No, how it hasn't changed.

336. You still have to pick someone based on looks

337. and hope for a connection later.

338. Oh, Lord, help me. I'm going for it.

339. I'm clicking "dang." No. "Dang" is bad. Click "daaang."

340. Why is this so confusing?

341. How do I get Hot Todd back?

342. DNA results are in.

343. Ooh, and? Who did it?

344. It was Lyndon, right? Hair is...

345. "Rodent in origin."

346. What? Doesn't make any sense.

347. Here, forward it to me. Must've been a nutria hair.

348. Those things are everywhere. Ugh.

349. Wait a minute. This is weird.

350. According to the DNA results,

351. everyone in the Boyle family is related except one.

352. Lyndon? No. Charles.

353. Charles Boyle isn't a Boyle.

354. That DNA test has to be wrong.

355. I mean, Charles is the most Boyle-y of all the Boyles.

356. You know what? I'm gonna call Charles' dad,

357. get to the bottom of this.

358. All right. Thanks, Lynn. Bye.

359. What on earth took so long?

360. Well, the first five hours was mostly just sobbing

361. and gasping for air.

362. Then he told me that Charles' mom had an affair

363. with a rival florist.

364. Lynn always suspected he might've been Charles' dad,

365. but he decided he loved him so much, it didn't matter.

366. I don't understand. Charles looks just like all the other Boyles.

367. Apparently that's not genetic.

368. The Boyles cuddle their children so much,

369. it shapes their bones that way.

370. He likened it to how they grow square watermelons.

371. Oh, my God. We can't tell Charles.

372. You wanna lie to our dear friend

373. about the one thing that's most important to him

374. in the whole world?

375. Yes. Okay, good, me too.

376. Now all we have to do is prove that Cousin Lyndon

377. is the murderer before Charles asks about the DNA results.

378. Hi, guys.

379. Hey, man. Where'd you come from?

380. I slinked up. You know how good Boyles are at slinking.

381. It's because of our fleshy toe pads.

382. Right. And you, Charles,

383. have said fleshy toe pads

384. because you are a Boyle,

385. from snout to anus.

386. That is so sweet.

387. I'm stealing that for the eulogy.

388. You don't have to.

389. Ah. It's the exact time we agreed to meet

390. for our date, and he's not here.

391. I'm sorry. I know how you value punctuality.

392. In my employees. But in potential suitors,

393. I don't mind one or two minutes of tardiness.

394. I like a bad boy.

395. Now, if you'll excuse me,

396. I'm going to go to the bathroom

397. to wash my hands, in case we shake.

398. Ooh.

399. I thought the point was for Holt to bail

400. before he got to an actual date.

401. It is. But this works too.

402. I mean, did you see the dude he matched with?

403. He calls himself a doctor,

404. but he's actually a chiropractor.

405. Are we sure Holt doesn't respect chiropractors?

406. I'm kidding. Oh. There's Todd.

407. And here's Holt.

408. Started off strong, nice big smile.

409. Oh, not anymore.

410. He just noticed Todd's loafers.

411. Oh, Todd, you fool.

412. Holt thinks any shoes without laces are flip-flops.

413. Now the moment that will send Holt running toward the exit.

414. When he asks Todd

415. what he would like to drink,

416. Todd orders, "Whatever you're having."

417. Oh Todd, you fool. Have your own opinion.

418. Wait a second. Are they gonna sit down?

419. In a booth? Oh, no, Rosa.

420. Todd's not the fool. We're the fools.

421. I have eyes on the package.

422. He's headed towards you.

423. I'm on it.

424. Seriously, guys, why are we doing this?

425. We should just wait for the DNA test.

426. We will. But the lab said it would take a week.

427. They had to get a new tech.

428. Oh, no. Why?

429. Uh. The old one had a bad allergic reaction to beakers.

430. Ugh. Labs are full of them. That's awful.

431. Yeah, and real.

432. Anyways, since Lyndon is our only actual suspect,

433. we might as well investigate.

434. Let me ask you this. Is he gushing?

435. Don't say those words. The pressure of keeping secrets

436. makes Boyles stress-sweat.

437. Wait. He's leaving the property.

438. Can you stay with him? Yeah. I think so.

439. I just have to get around the barn and...

440. Terr-bear?

441. I'm sorry. I was following Lyndon

442. and I crawled into that thing.

443. That thing has a name. It's Muffin.

444. Well, thanks to Muffin, we lost Lyndon.

445. Yes. But also thanks to Muffin,

446. I just solved the case of who killed Pappy Boyle.

447. We're right here.

448. Yeah. I didn't think it would feedback.

449. Oh, no, Rosa. They're leaving together.

450. What are we gonna do?

451. We stop them. Even if it means we have to kill Todd.

452. Smart. Let's go.

453. Looking for someone?

454. Sir. Uh, what's going on?

455. What's going on is that you were trying to manipulate me,

456. but it is I who manipulated you.

457. How does it feel to suckle from your own tainted teat?

458. Not as bad as it feels to hear you say "suckle."

459. So you were never really going home with Todd?

460. You actually think I would have relations with him?

461. I really thought we had something.

462. Wake up, Todd. I'm out of your league.

463. You thought you could meddle in my personal life,

464. but I was ten moves ahead the whole time.

465. And now, checkmate.

466. Ooh. I love chess. Have you seen The Queen's Gambit?

467. It's a TV show. Todd, I swear to God.

468. The person who killed Pappy wasn't a person at all.

469. It was Muffin.

470. I checked her mouth, and Muffin had the same ulcers that Pappy had.

471. Muffin ate the poison, and then Pappy drank her milk.

472. So Lyndon was innocent.

473. The hair on the box must have been Muffin's.

474. Did you get the DNA report back?

475. Exactly.

476. Wait, but I thought the report was gonna

477. take a week because of the lab tech's allergies.

478. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

479. But then they decided to use a subcontractor

480. who was allergy-free, so let's just move on

481. and talk about something else immediately.

482. Three "uh-huh's"? Clearly you're lying about something.

483. Why you being a jerk to me?

484. Show me the report, Jake.

485. Okay, fine. But just look at the top result

486. cause that's all that matters.

487. "Specimen hair was rodent in nature."

488. And that's that.

489. Oh, my God.

490. I'm not a Boyle.

491. Okay. I love you too, Dad.

492. Did you guys change clothes?

493. Yeah, Charles. It's tomorrow now.

494. You've been on the phone for 14 hours.

495. Well, you know what they say,

496. "Time flies when God pulls down his pants

497. "and takes a dump on your life."

498. Oh, buddy. I'm so sorry.

499. I just wanna go home.

500. What? You can't leave. What about the eulogy?

501. I don't feel right giving it now.

502. Sam offered to step in. I'll have him do it.

503. No, no, no. Wait.

504. Assemble the cousins.

505. Last night we learned that Pappy Boyle's death

506. was not foul play.

507. But even though there was no murder,

508. there was a robbery.

509. Charles had his sense of self stolen from him

510. by Sam Boyle.

511. You said it yourself, Charles,

512. the Boyles have a long history of cousin-on-cousin jealousy.

513. Sam couldn't stand that you were chosen to give the eulogy.

514. Think about it.

515. It was Sam who made sure we knew the will was missing.

516. We can't find Pappy's will.

517. Then Sam again who suggested you all get your DNA tested.

518. Why not take a hair from every Boyle?

519. And finally, Sam who made sure we all knew the results.

520. Did you get the DNA report back?

521. This is ridiculous. I love Charles.

522. Okay, well then. I'm sure you wouldn't mind giving him a hug then.

523. Since you love him so much.

524. Sure. I always like to hug my cousin.

525. He's gushing!

526. Darn it.

527. I thought these would hide it,

528. but I gushed through my pit diapers.

529. All right, fine. I always suspected

530. that Charles wasn't one of us.

531. I mean, he went through puberty at 13,

532. instead of 25,

533. like a normal Boyle.

534. And when he got chosen to give the eulogy,

535. something inside of me snapped.

536. So I hid the will.

537. I admit it.

538. Are you happy now?

539. Very. Not at all.

540. Wait, what? Charles, we solved the case.

541. He confessed. Doesn't matter.

542. I'm still not a Boyle.

543. I'm just a normal person.

544. Normal from snout to anus.

545. We wanted to apologize.

546. And if you wanna gloat about how you outsmarted us,

547. go ahead. We deserve it.

548. I won't be doing any gloating.

549. I mean, I did last night. I went home and had a drink

550. to toast to your humiliation.

551. But it didn't feel right,

552. because I had no one to toast with,

553. no one to share my glee.

554. I had won, but I was alone.

555. And I realized,

556. this is exactly what I'm doing to Kevin.

557. Trying to win therapy.

558. And it hit me.

559. I care so much about winning

560. that I've lost everything.

561. Tell Kevin how you feel.

562. It's raining. You could run to him.

563. This is the real world, Santiago.

564. Relationships end in unsatisfying ways every day.

565. People don't run to each other in the rain.

566. Raymond! Raymond Holt!

567. Kevin?

568. Raymond!

569. Raymond, am I too late?

570. Too late?

571. My friend saw your dating profile

572. and your photo without collar stays.

573. I thought I'd lost you.

574. You will never lose me.

575. I'll do anything to keep you.

576. I'll compromise on everything. The work, the...

577. Nancy Meyers never fails.

578. Now that we're doing it, it feels kinda weird

579. to be staring at your friends while they kiss.

580. Are you kidding? It's beautiful.

581. I love you.

582. I love you.

583. Okay, I'm packed. Let's go home.

584. Charles, I'm sorry. I feel like this was all my fault.

585. Why? Did you inseminate my mother?

586. What? Ew, no.

587. Don't say ew. She's my one blood relation.

588. Remember, I'm not a real Boyle.

589. Okay, fine.

590. Maybe you're not a real Boyle.

591. But what if you're a true Boyle?

592. What if you're the one true Boyle?

593. No, no. You want me to open the Grandmother Dough.

594. That jar is stuck shut.

595. Nobody's ever been able to do it.

596. But you have to try.

597. Terry, go grab it.

598. All right, now let's reassemble those cousins.

599. I'm not gonna be able to do this,

600. and I'm gonna be even more humiliated.

601. Just try. I believe in you.

602. So did you loosen it?

603. I tried, but it's slippery,

604. and that thing is sealed on tight.

605. I couldn't budge it. Oh, no.

606. Uh, hey, Charles.

607. Remember when I said that I believed in you?

608. Yes. It's the entire reason I'm doing this.

609. Oh. Godspeed.

610. Ah! I did it!

611. He's the one true Boyle.

612. Oh, my God. What is that stench?

613. It's the Grandmother Dough.

614. It smells horrible.

615. Not to a Boyle.

616. Oh, God.

617. It's cutting through the smell of the corpse.