Brooklyn Nine-Nine 8x6

1. Attention, everyone, a bomb was just found on a bus

2. in downtown Brooklyn.

3. Oh, my God, a bomb on a bus.

4. It's a Speed? I get to work a Speed?

5. That sentence is nonsensical.

6. One can work with speed,

7. but one certainly cannot work "a" speed.

8. Speed is a movie. I won't let you ruin this!

9. You've never seen Speed, sir?

10. Keanu Reeves, Sandy Bullock,

11. Jeff Daniels at the height of his sexual powers?

12. Can we please just focus!

13. The bomb could go off at any moment.

14. Actually, it can't. It's already been defused.

15. Oh, well, there's still a bomber on the loose.

16. You can't ruin this!

17. All right, tell me about the bus.

18. Was it headed to the courthouse?

19. It wasn't an MTA bus. It was that.

20. A Marvelous Mrs. Maisel tour bus.

21. No, you're not ruining this!

22. Has anyone heard from the bomber?

23. Has he made any demands?

24. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Special Agent Feingold, FBI.

25. This is our case. You're not a part of it.

26. Oh, man! You ruined it!

27. Agent Feingold, our guys were on the scene first.

28. We're not gonna let you take the case.

29. Tell him, sir.

30. We're letting you take the case.

31. What? But I said that so cool!

32. They're the feds. They have jurisdiction.

33. Agent Feingold, call me if you need anything.

34. Sorry, guy, guess you're just gonna have to let the big boys handle it.

35. Please just let us help you.

36. This is an all-hands-on-deck situation.

37. I could be a good resource. Here, watch this.

38. 'Sup, Officer Marzipan? Oh, hey.

39. You're gonna want that kind of shorthand

40. with Marzipan if you want to catch this guy.

41. We don't need all hands on deck.

42. The bomb was rigged with a chintzy $4 watch

43. set to explode at 12:00 a.m.

44. Midnight? But there wouldn't be anybody on it.

45. Yeah, the idiot clearly meant to set it for noon.

46. We're not dealing with a mastermind here.

47. I'm sure there's prints all over the place.

48. I don't know, I've just got a gut feeling there's more to this.

49. Oh, a gut feeling?

50. You know what your gut tells you to do most of the time?

51. Take a dump.

52. And you just took a big one all over yourself.

53. Okay, well, I don't have a comeback for that,

54. so I'm just gonna go.

55. Agent Feingold.

56. Scully, it's our favorite time of year.

57. Cagney and Lacey's annual school candy drive!

58. I took the liberty of duplicating

59. your order from last year.

60. Simply sign at the X, and I'll get it placed for you.

61. Oh, about that, I don't know

62. if I'm gonna buy anything from you this year.

63. What?

64. But we've been in business together since pre-K.

65. I know, but there's someone else.

66. Someone else?

67. It's not you. It's me.

68. My taste in candy changed.

69. Look, everyone goes through rough patches, but we can't give up.

70. You owe it to Cagney and Lacey.

71. Please don't bring the kids into this.

72. The kids are a part of it whether you like it or not.

73. Who are you buying from? Tell me, now!

74. The other man... Is me.

75. Nikolaj is selling candy this year, too.

76. You're cheating on me with Boyle?

77. Oh, there she is, my archnemesis.

78. You're a cop, O'Sullivan.

79. Shouldn't your archnemesis be a criminal?

80. No.

81. Okay, what do you want?

82. Well, I came here to reach a truce

83. with you over your pilot program that persecutes

84. the uniformed officers in my union.

85. Its aim is to reduce instances in which armed cops

86. are needlessly interacting with civilians.

87. It could save lives and restore trust with the community.

88. That's persecution, plain and simple.

89. But I don't want to fight with you.

90. I'd rather be civilized and reach some common ground over a drink.

91. It's the middle of the day.

92. Well, that's how business gets done in the real world.

93. Look, I'm not changing the pilot program.

94. Okay, have it your way,

95. but I got to say, you're going to be sorry.

96. Are you threatening me?

97. No, I'm informing you that I hold a lot of power,

98. and unless you're willing to play ball with me,

99. I will wield said power against you.

100. Again, not a threat,

101. but go ahead and change your mind, or else.

102. All the best.

103. So you lost a Speed. That sucks.

104. At least you didn't have a Sister Act taken from you.

105. Bracco confessed.

106. The undercover operation is over.

107. But I just got a spot in the choir.

108. Wait, is that the real reason you left the force?

109. It didn't help. Right.

110. Look, I don't care that I lost a Speed.

111. I care that the FBI is not taking the case seriously.

112. They think the bomber is just some idiot, but what if he's not an idiot?

113. What if he wanted it to go off at midnight?

114. Oh, my God.

115. He wanted it to go off at midnight.

116. Why? Wouldn't it just be an empty parking lot with nobody in it?

117. Yeah, but there could be a target there,

118. which he would try to hit again.

119. There's gonna be a second bomb, just like in Speed!

120. I've got a Speed again!

121. I thought you said you didn't care about it being a Speed.

122. Of course, I care about it being a Speed!

123. That's all I care about! I've got to go!

124. You owe me money for this.

125. Good one, Rosa!

126. Hi. Hey.

127. I just got home. Where are you?

128. Sorry, I'm checking out the lot

129. where the bus parks at night.

130. Ugh, but Holt told you not to.

131. He's gonna be pissed when he finds out.

132. Not when I bust the bomber.

133. Marzipan gave me the lot's address.

134. He's actually helping me out

135. because of our intimate shorthand.

136. You know, Marzipan's kind of a bad dude.

137. We're desperately trying to fire him.

138. No, I did not know that!

139. Why didn't anyone tell me that?

140. Before I pretended to be friends with him?

141. Well, looky here. What?

142. Guess what's next to the lot?

143. An IRS building. That has to be the target.

144. Jake, you should call the feds.

145. No, they won't even care. I need more proof.

146. I got to call you back. Hey.

147. Hey. NYPD.

148. Mind if I ask you a couple of questions?

149. Wait, no, stop!

150. Hey, there.

151. Uh-oh, I know that strut.

152. Little hip swing, playful butt bounce.

153. Somebody made a collar!

154. Not loving you talking about my butt bounce,

155. but, also, hell, yeah, someone collared a big dog!

156. Woof, woof!

157. Peralta, you made an arrest in the bus bombing?

158. Yes, look, I know that I was told to back off,

159. but something just didn't sit right,

160. so I went back up there, and I caught the guy.

161. He was snooping around. Now, he's not talking yet...

162. Because he didn't do it. What?

163. The feds already solved the case.

164. There were prints on the bomb,

165. which led to a suspect who confessed immediately.

166. Well, why didn't anyone tell me that?

167. 'Cause they didn't have to because it's not your case.

168. So I arrested an innocent person?

169. Yes.

170. Oh...

171. That's not okay.

172. Uncool, uncool, uncool, uncool,

173. uncool, uncool, uncool, uncool, uncool.

174. Are you saying cool or uncool?

175. Uncool. It's just hard to say it fast, but this is bad!

176. Peralta, we need to talk.

177. I know. You're not mad. You're just disappointed.

178. I'm actually both mad and disappointed.

179. What? You can't be both! You're either Mad Dad or Sad Dad, pick a lane.

180. All right, look, I know that I brought in the wrong guy, but I'm telling you,

181. something doesn't add up, and for what it's worth, I made sure he was let out

182. as soon as I knew what was going on.

183. He was in processing for ten hours,

184. which made him late for work, which meant he got fired.

185. He's suing you and the department for wrongful arrest.

186. I'm gonna have to suspend you.

187. Okay, this is really bad, and I'm sor...

188. Stop talking. What's going on here?

189. Were you about to say the "S" word?

190. The "S" word? "Sorry"?

191. Oh, good God, don't say it out loud, man!

192. Why are you here, O'Sullivan?

193. Peralta isn't even in the patrolman's union.

194. I'm here to protect Marzipan.

195. He and Peralta worked very closely together on this one.

196. Seriously, Peralta? Marzipan?

197. With all the open IA investigations against him?

198. I've met him, like, one time. I don't even know his first name.

199. His name is David. David Duke Marzipan.

200. David Duke Marzipan?

201. Hey, don't you go profiling him

202. for what he changed his name to.

203. You can't judge a book by its cover.

204. You can if it's written by David Duke.

205. Look, Peralta made a mistake...

206. Holy crap, you didn't use the "M" word, did you?

207. No. Oh, thank God.

208. Because the "M" word is just about the worst thing you can say if you're a cop.

209. Besides, the real point here is,

210. what was the perp doing

211. snooping around a bus lot at night?

212. The victim cuts through that lot

213. on his way home when it's open.

214. And it was open because Peralta picked the lock.

215. What a bunch of bunk.

216. Why'd the perp run away unless he was guilty of something?

217. Because he was understandably scared of interacting with a cop.

218. I see, well, that excuse hasn't worked in the last 15 cases against Marzipan,

219. and I don't think it'll work now.

220. Fifteen?

221. Peralta, I can make all of this disappear.

222. That's what the police union does.

223. But you got to play ball with me, son. What do you say?

224. Sir, can I speak with you in private, please?

225. I just had an epiphany.

226. That you're fallible and you made an "M" word.

227. Absolutely not. This whole thing is a setup!

228. Oh, who could take a sunrise

229. Sprinkle it with dew

230. Cover it in chocolate

231. And a miracle or two?

232. The candy man can

233. Wow, so you're just gonna do your business

234. all out in the open like some common candy ho?

235. You're just jealous.

236. Boyle, where's my candy?

237. What? The box is full of sand.

238. Or maybe it's sugar. Oh, it's not sugar.

239. It's sand. Is this some sort of sick joke?

240. There was candy in there earlier. Maybe it fell out?

241. I don't want excuses, bitch! I want my candy!

242. The vending machine is broken, and you're my only snack source.

243. He doesn't have to be. I still have your purchase order.

244. You. You did this.

245. Please, I would never do something that childish,

246. and you would know that if you weren't a big, stinky dumb-dumb

247. who smelled like butts.

248. Okay, so here's what I'm thinking.

249. The union set me up. Think about it.

250. O'Sullivan told Amy if she didn't drop her pilot program,

251. "she'd be sorry," and now suddenly,

252. I'm being threatened with suspension?

253. Sure, but he threatened her, not you.

254. We're married. We're a team.

255. Really? What about when I wanted to run a half marathon together

256. and you told me to rot in hell?

257. That was clearly a playful joke.

258. So will you run the half marathon with me?

259. No, I would die!

260. Look, O'Sullivan said he could make my suspension go away if just "played ball."

261. He's clearly trying to get me to lean on you to kill your program.

262. This doesn't sound like a setup.

263. O'Sullivan didn't make you arrest an innocent man.

264. Or did he? Think about it.

265. Marzipan, who I never liked, by the way,

266. was the one who gave me the address to the bus lot.

267. I think he and O'Sullivan made sure

268. there was a "suspect" there for me to arrest.

269. You think the victim was a plant?

270. I didn't believe it either until I checked the guy's file.

271. Guess what he does for a living?

272. Actor. Huh?

273. Come on, sir, you hate actors!

274. I don't hate actors. I hate colleges that award diplomas for acting.

275. I mean, I wouldn't put it past O'Sullivan.

276. He is desperate to kill our reform program.

277. True, he tried to blackmail me before.

278. If you don't give me what I want,

279. I will release proof that you are a homosexual.

280. I came out 30 years ago.

281. Ah, you're impossible.

282. So you agree it was a setup. I have your unbridled support?

283. My support is extremely bridled.

284. You have circumstantial evidence at best.

285. All right, then I guess we just have to prove it.

286. Absolutely not. You can't investigate your accuser.

287. It's retaliation.

288. Which is why the investigation will focus

289. only on O'Sullivan and be led by someone from the outside.

290. A friend, a confidant, a...

291. Diaz. Yes.

292. Damn it, you kind of stepped on the dramatic entrance

293. we had planned, and you threw off our...

294. Me. timing.

295. The point is Amy and Rosa will head up the investigation

296. and the entrance worked perfectly.

297. Interesting, you two are sure you want to be involved with this?

298. Investigating O'Sullivan? Yeah, that dude sucks. He tried to blackmail me.

299. If you don't stop harassing my officers,

300. I will release proof that you are bisexual.

301. Already came out. Oh, come on.

302. You can't blackmail anyone anymore.

303. Okay, so here's the plan.

304. O'Sullivan likes to do deals over drinks.

305. So I invite him to Shaw's and order us a couple beers.

306. I nod along as he talks

307. about how surprisingly cool his mom is. Order more beers.

308. I also nod along as he talks about how horrible his ex-wife is.

309. Order more beers. I also nod along as he kind of implies

310. he wishes his mom was his wife.

311. Nobody spoons like my mom.

312. But I'm not the only one who's one listening.

313. O'Sullivan's a blowhard,

314. so he just needs a little push.

315. Get him drunk enough, eventually he'll just come out

316. and admit that he set Jake up.

317. The plan is flawless.

318. So there's one flaw with my plan.

319. O'Sullivan isn't even buzzed, and you're totally hammered?

320. I'm so hammered!

321. Pizza delivery for Jake Peralta.

322. Oh, that's me.

323. I didn't order a pizza, though. Someone must know I've been having a hard day.

324. You've been served. What? Come on!

325. Been there, brother. What did you get served?

326. Oh, you. I'm being sued for wrongful arrest.

327. No, I don't care about that. I'm talking pizza toppings.

328. The District Court does a great pepperoni.

329. You know what? Why are you even talking to me?

330. Scully's taking a nap. What are you doing on there?

331. I miss my old role in the Nine-Nine. Hitchcock, the wise sage,

332. always helping people through their troubles.

333. That was never your role. Wait a minute. This address.

334. The guy said he lived up by the bus lot

335. and that's why he was cutting through, but according to this,

336. his address isn't anywhere near that lot.

337. He lied. This is huge.

338. I got to call Amy and Rosa.

339. And that is why Kristy and the Snobs

340. is the best Baby-Sitters Club book ever.

341. Hey, we should go fly-fishing sometimes.

342. That's never gonna happen. We need to sober you up and get you back out there.

343. Coffee and carbs usually work, so here's what we're gonna to do.

344. Ow! Rosa! What about the carbs?

345. That was a misdirection. Carbs never work. Slapping's the only way.

346. Oh, I think it worked.

347. And I just want to say, what makes

348. Kristy and the Snobs so good is the snobs.

349. Their names are Tiffany and Shannon,

350. and they laugh at Louie even though he's going blind,

351. which is so sad.

352. Okay, I'm calling Holt. This is a failure.

353. No, wait, wait. I have an idea.

354. Oh, I bet it's great.

355. Okay, you know how guys like O'Sullivan,

356. they think we all look the same, right?

357. So you dress as Amy. You take my place.

358. And, oh, my God! Is nine-drink Amy a genius?

359. That's never gonna work. You just need to sober up and get back out there.

360. Oh, you're on the floor.

361. What's going on here?

362. Uh, nothing. Nothing?

363. I distinctly remember you saying

364. we were moving on to shots. And yet you bring us more beers?

365. You got to do a better job than that, Santiago.

366. Right, right, I guess we'll just have to shoot these, then.

367. Yes, we will!

368. Sugar.

369. Oh, Scully, Scully

370. You are my candy friend

371. Boring! No costume change much?

372. What the heck? This isn't my order.

373. What, did they give you sour straws

374. instead of sour ropes? I specifically said...

375. No, it's just apples.

376. Terry, you sick son of a bitch.

377. I didn't do it! Boyle must have!

378. I would never do that.

379. This is just what happens when you order candy

380. from a candy child and not a candy man.

381. I'll show you a candy man.

382. Hey, what the hell?

383. You picked the wrong guy to get in an apple fight with.

384. Why is that?

385. Because I was MVP

386. of my fast-pitch softball summer camp.

387. Wow, I'm so scared...

388. Oh!

389. Ow.

390. There you are.

391. I found proof that this was a setup.

392. Look, the victim lied about his address.

393. Zip! What's that?

394. That's the sound of your bridle unzipping. Unbridled support from earlier?

395. You don't know what a bridle is, do you?

396. I do not. We're getting sidetracked.

397. Once I realized he was lying, I looked at his social media.

398. He starts rehearsals for a rock musical in Florida on Monday.

399. That tracks. Theater like that belongs in the swamps.

400. Well, yeah, obviously, I can't disagree,

401. but the point is we're running out of time.

402. I should tail him and figure out

403. what he's up to before he skips town.

404. You'll do no such thing. We have a plan.

405. Santiago and Diaz are with O'Sullivan. They have it under control.

406. Are you sure? 'Cause I keep calling them, and they're not answering.

407. Have faith in them. They're professionals.

408. I'm so drunk. He's had 14 beers,

409. and he's not even slurring his words.

410. Well, I feel better. I had some floor pretzels. Let's switch places again.

411. Yes, two of us can outdrink that son of a bitch.

412. Here's to you, Santiago. All the best, bottoms up.

413. Whoa, Nelly!

414. Here's to you.

415. How about it?

416. Well, now, what the hell am I looking at?

417. Nothing.

418. Oops.

419. You're drunk, and you're seeing double.

420. Oh, give me a break. You can't really think I'm that stupid.

421. I mean, we've been switching places for the last two hours, and you didn't notice, so...

422. That's 'cause I don't look at women's eyes when I'm talking to 'em.

423. Now, what's going on?

424. You set up my husband! You're using him to blackmail me

425. into dropping police reform.

426. We're getting you drunk so you can admit it.

427. I'm not blackmailing Jake.

428. When I blackmail somebody, you'll know it. I own my blackmailing.

429. Then what did you mean when you said I'd be sorry

430. if I didn't drop police reform?

431. I was talking about taking your snacks.

432. Huh? Oh, come on.

433. Who do you think broke the vending machine

434. that got Detective Flat Top all riled up,

435. stole Detective Little Guy's candy shipment,

436. and swapped out Sergeant Muscle Guy's candy for seasonal fruit?

437. Your people. Bingo.

438. And it's driving your guys crazy.

439. Now, if your precinct would like to get their candy back,

440. I'd be willing to negotiate.

441. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

442. So when you told Jake you could get him out of his suspension,

443. that wasn't blackmail?

444. If I am passionate about one thing,

445. it's getting cops off without punishment.

446. How dare you turn that into something dirty?

447. Shame on the both of you.

448. Oh, we got to call Jake.

449. Where is he?

450. Got ya.

451. This is Captain Holt.

452. Oh, hello, Captain. It's Amy Santiag-ago.

453. Sergeant, are you drunk? He thinks I'm drunk.

454. What do I do? Uh, British accent.

455. Smart. That'll fool him.

456. Yes, sir, quite drunk. Wankered, really.

457. What did you learn? Did O'Sullivan set up Peralta?

458. No, he didn't.

459. Me husband wasn't set up at all,

460. he wasn't. But me big problem now

461. is that me husband can't be reached by me telly.

462. Please stop talking like that.

463. Okay.

464. Peralta wanted to tail the victim. I forbade him, but I bet he did it anyway.

465. I'll text you the address.

466. Oh.

467. We got to stop Jake.

468. How? We're too drunk to drive.

469. True, but we're not too drunk to pedal.

470. Jake, oh, thank God we found you in time.

471. "We"? Me and Rosa, duh.

472. Rosa's not with you.

473. Right!

474. I lost her when she rode down the stairs to the subway.

475. It was so funny!

476. Okay, just, shh, 'cause my guy is in there.

477. By the way, I really like that hat.

478. You look like a little narc.

479. And you enjoy that?

480. Oh, yeah. Okay.

481. But that's not why I'm here.

482. O'Sullivan didn't set you up.

483. Wait, what? Are you sure?

484. Yeah, all O'Sullivan did was mess with the vending machine

485. and Scully's candy.

486. That was his blackmail.

487. Okay. Wow, okay, that's bad.

488. That guy's innocent, and I arrested him,

489. and now I'm tailing him.

490. I know! Let's just go "herm"!

491. Jake! Jake!

492. Hey, Jake, you're following an innocent man!

493. Hey, man.

494. What are you doing here? What a weird coincidence.

495. Do a British accent.

496. Hey, Lieutenant, I think we should talk. How you doing?

497. Oh, no, I'm so sorry.

498. Sir, I want to apologize.

499. Okay, I have no idea what you're saying.

500. Look, I know the union set us up, but we let it happen.

501. Your friendship means the world to me,

502. and I would hate for it to be destroyed

503. by a competition to sell more candy.

504. Me too.

505. You guys are selling candy? There's nothing good here.

506. Could one of you ship to Brazil?

507. You sneaky son of a bitch!

508. We're adding intimidation to the charges against you.

509. I know, you're both mad and disappointed.

510. I'm neither. I'm displeased.

511. Is that worse? Yes.

512. Of my 16 potential reactions, only one is stronger,

513. and you should be thankful you've never seen me huffy.

514. Well, you have every right to be. I know I messed up.

515. I just never imagined myself as someone

516. who would make a mistake like that,

517. and then I just made it worse, you know?

518. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?

519. Learning a lesson? You don't have any lessons to learn.

520. You didn't do anything wrong.

521. What do you want, O'Sullivan?

522. This is Mel Jenkins, city attorney in charge of payoffs and bribes.

523. Uh, not my title. I handle tort claims.

524. Whatever. Mel and I just had ourselves a little chat over morning drinks.

525. More drinks?

526. Relax, it was just a couple of breakfast beers.

527. So the department is going to settle

528. without admitting any wrongdoing,

529. and because the facts of the case will remain unresolved,

530. there will be no suspension for Marzipan or Peralta.

531. How's that possible? Peralta arrested and harassed an innocent man.

532. Come on, now, these are cops.

533. They got to make split-second decisions

534. in life-or-death situations, and they can't be expected

535. to get that 100% correct every single time.

536. This was not a life-or-death situation.

537. Sure, but next time it might be.

538. And how can this one be expected to do his job

539. when he knows that any teeny-tiny lapse in judgment

540. could end with you branding him a dirty cop and ruining his life?

541. Oh, I've never seen this face before.

542. Wait, is that...

543. Yes, he's made me huffy.

544. Do you know what happens when you refuse

545. to punish cops for their mistakes,

546. when police are treated as a separate class of citizen above the law?

547. It breeds a lack of trust in the community,

548. and that lack of trust means people won't help us

549. with our investigations or testify

550. or even call us when they're in danger.

551. It makes them more scared of us than of criminals and gangsters.

552. It makes them run when we approach,

553. even though they've done nothing wrong.

554. It makes the people see us as the enemy,

555. which leads to more confrontation, more distrust.

556. You wonder how Peralta can do his job

557. when he's held accountable for his actions?

558. I wonder how any of us can do our job if he's not.

559. What a bunch of bunk.

560. The city's gonna settle. There are not gonna be any suspensions.

561. Take the win. Wait.

562. What if I admit I made an error and apologize?

563. He is speaking hypothetically.

564. You'll notice he never used the "S" word and he never used the "M" word.

565. I'm sorry. I made a mistake.

566. Holy!

567. Let the record show that he didn't say anything specific.

568. I arrested a man without a sufficient probable cause

569. in a case I was removed from.

570. He has no idea what he's talking about.

571. I then followed my victim to his home...

572. Now's a good time for us to leave.

573. In an act that could only be seen as police intimidation

574. La, la, la, la, la, la

575. I take full responsibility for my mistake,

576. and I'm willing to say as much in a court of law.

577. La, la, la, la, la, la

578. And what's more, I'm very, very sorry!

579. Yeah, he has to be suspended.

580. I'm sorry.

581. Ah, don't you start.

582. Wow.

583. That was amazing. We beat him.

584. I can't believe it actually worked out okay.

585. You're suspended for five months.

586. Right, I know.

587. But I deserve it.

588. And I learned a valuable lesson from all this,

589. so I'm counting it as a win.

590. I get that, Peralta, but things will be a lot better

591. when a man doesn't have to lose his job for you to learn a lesson.

592. Yeah, fair enough. Thank you, sir.

593. It was crazy when you got huffy.

594. I was so huffy. I got scared.

595. Wow. Yeah.