Brooklyn Nine-Nine 8x5

1. Parenting is exhausting.

2. You're tired because you were up until 5:00 in the morning

3. playing a game on your phone.

4. It's not a game. It's a realistic pizza parlor simulator.

5. It's very different, there's no winning.

6. Then why do you play?

7. To ear pizza points to get better toppings.

8. What's up, Peralta?

9. Hey, Trudy Judy and Dog Judy.

10. What's going on? Are you puppy sitting for Doug?

11. Well, I was, but I need you to take him for me,

12. because I'm going on a little vacay, and let's just say

13. there's going to be some activities

14. that aren't suitable for a little dog.

15. Mmm!

16. Like parasailing.

17. Thought you were building to something much more sexual.

18. Nope. Just really pumped for parasailing.

19. Also, there's gonna be a lot of.

20. But the dog's okay with that. Here.

21. Oh! As much as we would love to take of this extremely un-neutered animal,

22. we can't, because I'm too allergic.

23. Wait, why isn't Doug Judy taking care of Dog Judy?

24. Is he out of town or something?

25. Oh, no! You didn't hear.

26. Doug got arrested. He's going to prison.

27. Wait, what?

28. Doug got arrested. He's going to prison.

29. Yeah, no, I heard you. I was just processing.

30. Aww. You wanna hug a dog?

31. Oh, my God. It's like a third of him.

32. Sup, Peralta?

33. Hey, what's going on? Why didn't you tell me you were in jail?

34. Did you not want me to find out who arrested you?

35. Is there another cop in your life?

36. No, none of these pigs mean jack to me.

37. No of fence, Davin, you've been great this week.

38. I don't understand. I thought you went straight.

39. I did. I got a job, I have a wife.

40. But the other day I was driving to the new mega Target

41. in South Orange, New Jersey,

42. because they have 50% off whole home mesh wireless systems.

43. With a rebate? No.

44. Discount taken at register.

45. Oh, you gotta hit that.

46. I know.

47. But on my way over there, a guy rear ended me,

48. and the cops showed up. Turns out had a warrant out for my arrest.

49. But we wiped your criminal record.

50. You wiped my New York record.

51. I stole a car in Trenton five years ago.

52. Well, you still should've called me. I could've helped you out.

53. Wouldn't have mattered. There's a lot of evidence against me.

54. I left a picture of me at the scene of the crime

55. with a note bragging about how I did it.

56. Ah. Well... Yes, that would make it difficult.

57. Impossible. They're moving me to South Woods Prison tomorrow.

58. Tomorrow? I know.

59. But you know what really bums me out?

60. I had no warning.

61. Only wish I had known it was gonna happen,

62. so I could have one last moment of joy before I get taken to jail.

63. But alas. 'Tis not to be.

64. Wait a minute. What if it 'tis to be?

65. What if I drive you to prison?

66. We could have one more adventure.

67. Honestly, Jake, I don't see how it's possible

68. to have fun on a trip to prison.

69. Yeah. It sucks.

70. But...

71. I don't know, maybe for just a few hours you could focus on the journey.

72. And not the destination.

73. Focus on the journey, not the destination.

74. I like that. Did you steal it from a car commercial?

75. No, it was an Instagram ad for a travel bidet.

76. Look, I know it's not perfect,

77. but if you say yes,

78. I promise I will plan some sexy-ass surprises.

79. How sexy we talking?

80. How sexy you got?

81. Is that a '79 Pontiac Trans Am?

82. Sexy-ass surprise number one.

83. We're riding in style.

84. Can't believe the Department of Corrections

85. was cool with you taking your friend to prison.

86. Well, I can be very persuasive.

87. I got the guy and his family a 6-day pass to Pirate's Cove Waterpark.

88. So many days in the water.

89. The family is gonna be pruney.

90. Yeah, it wasn't a good bribe.

91. Well, let's hit the road.

92. Before we do that, there's another surprise.

93. But I'm gonna need your hands free for this one.

94. Whoa, wait. You got a pen?

95. I wanna show you a little trick I learned from a magician

96. who, for legal purposes, shall remain nameless,

97. but is unquestionably

98. a mind freak.

99. Cries Angel.

100. I can neither confirm nor deny. Bam!

101. Your cuffs and your pen, sir.

102. That was incredibly fast.

103. Consider my mind freaked.

104. On that note, it is time

105. for sexy-ass surprise number two.

106. A classic Jake and Judy outfit change.

107. I'm feeling this print.

108. I thought you might.

109. We got tigers and toucans.

110. Tigers and toucs!

111. Ooh. And now for the piece de resistance.

112. A little French. I like where this is going.

113. Et voilà.

114. "PB and & J"?

115. Pontiac Bandit and Jake

116. go together like peanut butter and jelly.

117. It's never coming off.

118. Except in a couple of hours when I have to check into prison for five years.

119. Bup-bup-bup.

120. Journey, not the destination. It's never coming off.

121. That's the spirit. Let's ride.

122. Mind if I DJ? I was counting on it.

123. Bust out those banging bat mitzvah beats, bruv.

124. Let's see what you've got.

125. Kendrick Lamar, Meek Mill.

126. Really a lot of Taylor Swift.

127. I'm over her.

128. I barely even memorized all the lyrics to Folklore.

129. What's SAF30?

130. I'm glad you asked, mon frere.

131. That track is sexy ass surprise number three.

132. Ooh!

133. Okay, so I know this audio engineer,

134. who's friend with a guy, who's roommates with a guy,

135. who gets lunch for a guy, who's friends with a guy,

136. who knows Drake.

137. And he laid down a beat for us to write a song to.

138. Drake laid down a beat for us?

139. What? No, no, the friend did.

140. The Drake thing was just to establish his credentials.

141. And it worked!

142. That dude's like six parts removed from Drake.

143. He's the real deal. Mm.

144. Uh. Uh.

145. Uh. Uh.

146. Lot of room for "Uhs." I like that.

147. I thought you would.

148. Doug and Jake Rollin' down the street

149. PB&J, a tasty li'I treat

150. Two cool dudes makin' Sandals for your feet

151. What? I was going for the rhyme.

152. But now I kinda feel like it's a good idea.

153. Love it.

154. Making sandals that last Is our ideology

155. Made real by our patented strapless technology It's magnets

156. Okay!

157. Yo! You can wear 'em On the beach

158. Wear 'em on a hike

159. Wear em on a Peloton exercise bike

160. Doug and Jake Two best friends

161. With the premium open-toed shoes for men

162. That was crazy!

163. We never even rehearsed it. Just did it perfectly.

164. It was like Jackson Maine and Ally.

165. I call Ally. Aww, I wanted Ally.

166. Okay. It's time for sexy-ass surprise number four.

167. Let me ask you this.

168. If you could eat any meal on earth, what would it be?

169. Cheeseburger Cracker-flavored Combos,

170. Philly cheese steaks from Pat's,

171. Popeyes' biscuits, McDonald's fries,

172. Wendy's nuggets, Sonic tots,

173. fountain Coke, and of course, my mama's sweet potato pie.

174. Oh. Wow, that's actually a very tall order.

175. Which I completely filled!

176. What! You smorgasborded it?

177. I smorgasborded it!

178. You know what this calls for? What's that?

179. Foot slap!

180. Whoo! Whoo!

181. How did you find Cheeseburger Cracker Combos?

182. Weren't they discontinued? Tell me the whole story.

183. A bodega in Queens had an old box.

184. Wow. Yeah.

185. Kinda makes me sad though.

186. How come? One day it's out in the world, thriving,

187. and then poof,

188. it's pulled off the streets.

189. Well, I mean, it's not like it's gone forever.

190. You know, it'll be back in circulation soon.

191. Maybe.

192. But sometimes when a product is taken off the shelves,

193. it never returns.

194. It's gonna be okay. I promise I'll visit the Combos every month.

195. Combos will be very grateful for that.

196. They're lucky to have a friend like you.

197. Charles? Yeah.

198. What are you doing? What are you doing?

199. Why are you alone with a criminal who's escaped you multiple times?

200. Seems like a loaded question.

201. That's not even half my load.

202. Okay. Oh, my God. I'm too late.

203. You're already seduced by Doug Judy's wiles.

204. Okay, I appreciate the concern, but Doug has changed.

205. This was an old crime and he's already owned up to it.

206. He's not trying to escape.

207. He's already out of his handcuffs.

208. Just so that we could do our sweet-ass outfit change.

209. Tigers and Toucans!

210. Tigers and Toucans!

211. Obviously, they're fantastic. But Jake,

212. by trusting him, you're putting your job on the line,

213. which means you're also putting my job on the line.

214. How so? Because if you get fired,

215. I will swim out into the ocean until I'm too tired to swim back,

216. and I will sink to the bottom and then I won't have a job.

217. Oh, my God. Well, I'm already driving him to prison,

218. so there's nothing I can do about it now.

219. Oh, yes, there is.

220. Welcome to the Boyle Bus.

221. Why we getting into this wack ride?

222. Charles refuses to accept what close friends we are.

223. He thinks you're trying to escape,

224. and that your crew's on the lookout for the Trans Am,

225. so he insisted we switch into his weird family bus.

226. That's ridiculous.

227. Isn't it? It doesn't matter what vehicle we're in.

228. That's what I said. I'm gonna escape from you either way.

229. Exactly. Wait, what was that?

230. I still don't understand.

231. What do you mean you're escaping?

232. Sorry, bro. Plan's already in motion.

233. Trudy came to you, you took the bait.

234. Come on.

235. If you were really trying to escape, why would you tell me?

236. Honestly? I didn't like lying to you. You're a good friend.

237. Well, if I'm such a good friend, why are you trying to escape from me?

238. I'm not trying to escape from you,

239. I'm trying to escape from prison.

240. Let me ask you this. Do you know why I stole that car?

241. Because you love doing crimes?

242. That's me directly quoting your catchphrase.

243. First of all, my catchphrase is, "Slurp, Slurp."

244. You've never once said that.

245. I say it constantly. Second of all,

246. me loving crime is classic empty bravado.

247. The truth is, I was arrested when I was 22 for something stupid.

248. When I got out, nobody would hire me,

249. because I had a criminal record.

250. My dreams of being a landscape architect went out the window.

251. That was your dream? I wanted to be the Black Edward Scissorhands.

252. Oh, that's great. I get all that.

253. But that's not what this is about.

254. I mean, you could've escaped from anyone,

255. but you chose to set me up.

256. And now, my job and my name are all on the line.

257. You used me, Doug. You're a bad friend.

258. You're the bad friend. I got you a tracksuit.

259. Tigers and toucs.

260. Might as well be a jumpsuit. A prison jumpsuit.

261. You're taking me to prison.

262. The fact that you thought I'd go willingly means you don't know me at all.

263. Oh, please. I know everything about you.

264. You didn't know my catchphrase.

265. You have never once said, "Slurp, Slurp," before today.

266. That you believe that is so hurtful.

267. Okay. Well, there's clearly only one way to settle this.

268. Ignore him and take him directly to prison.

269. A high-stakes trivia contest

270. to decide who's the better friend.

271. What? If I win,

272. you agree not to try and escape.

273. But if I win, you agree to let me go.

274. Deal. It's a bad idea.

275. I cannot let you take this risk, Jake.

276. It'll just be like game night at the Camden Senior Center.

277. You can be Estelle Minderman.

278. She's my favorite emcee.

279. Damn it, I'm in!

280. Charles!

281. The name of the game is called, "Who Knows Mo?

282. "Friend or Foe? Are You for Real, or Just For Show?"

283. A little wordy. Each contestant

284. will answer and ask ten personal questions.

285. Whoever gets the most correct answers,

286. will be crowned the better friend.

287. Also there is that whole going to prison or not thing.

288. America can't relate to the prison stuff, it's too real.

289. It's a game about friendship.

290. And may the better friend win.

291. Jake, you will ask the first question. Begin.

292. What is my middle name?

293. You tell people it's Zach, but it's really Jeffery.

294. No, it's Zach. Like Zach Morris.

295. Point for Doug.

296. What is the name of the alter ego I use for fancy crimes?

297. Lord Poncy Cumbershot.

298. 'Tis correct. Point for Jake.

299. What is my favorite Knicks memory?

300. When they fired Phil Jackson.

301. Mm, yeah.

302. That was a good day.

303. What's the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me?

304. Oh, when you were cut out of that season of Real Housewives

305. where you were dating Ramona. I wasn't embarrassed.

306. I was just disappointed in the way it was handled. Yeah.

307. What is my least favorite word?

308. Buttress. It just makes me picture a mattress with a butt.

309. What is my least favorite thing?

310. Meringue. Because it looks so much better than it tastes.

311. It's a trick food!

312. Doug's up by one.

313. Jake, you need to answer the final question correctly, otherwise he wins.

314. Doug, lay it on him.

315. Mm. Jake Peralta, do I have an earring?

316. Um...

317. What? You heard me.

318. We've been in the car for three hours,

319. you've known me for seven years.

320. Do I have an earring?

321. Oh, no. I'm drawing a blank.

322. I can kind of picture a diamond stud.

323. That'd be a good look. Or maybe

324. a gold cross, or a little hoop?

325. I do have versatile ears.

326. Now I'm just seeing it pretty clearly with no earring.

327. Argh, this is hard.

328. But I'm gonna go with my gut and say...

329. yes, you do have an earring.

330. Nothing but lobe?

331. This whole time? Since the day we met.

332. I guess I know you better after all.

333. Or... do you?

334. Wait, why are you smiling?

335. Because, we played you.

336. If you actually knew me,

337. you would've known that I only agreed to do

338. "Who Knows Mo? Friend or Foe? Are You for Real, or Just For Show?"

339. In order to stall.

340. I was in on it.

341. Estelle Minderman is the code word we use for when there's a twist.

342. Because when Estelle hosts game night at the senior center,

343. she always makes sure one of the games has a sexy twist.

344. And when I was writing my answers into my phone,

345. I was secretly texting Captain Holt

346. our vehicle description and location.

347. Backup is already on the way.

348. Wait. Why are you smiling now?

349. Because I played you.

350. I knew you would text for backup.

351. So I changed your contacts while I was DJing.

352. Kendrick Lamar, Meek Mills.

353. Really a lot of Taylor Swift.

354. So when you were texting Captain Holt,

355. you were actually texting Trudy Judy.

356. State troopers are on their way. Sincerely, Raymond Holt.

357. Now my crew knows exactly where we are,

358. and exactly what we're driving.

359. Because I know you more.

360. Slurp, Slurp.

361. What do we do?

362. We can't outrun Doug's men.

363. Boyle Bus tops out at 50.

364. Shh. I'm calling Holt for help.

365. Go for Trudy.

366. Oh, damn it!

367. Yeah, I changed all the numbers.

368. Come on. Charles, give me your phone.

369. All right, all right.

370. Peralta, what's going on?

371. Sir, I need your help.

372. Doug Judy tricked me, and now his crew knows our location

373. and are on their way to help him escape.

374. Hey, Captain Holt. Doug says hi.

375. How many times have I warned you not to trust that man?

376. A lot of times.

377. But honestly, you tell me not to things so often

378. I kinda just tune it out.

379. If Doug Judy escapes,

380. I can't help you. You will be fired.

381. Okay, I know I messed up.

382. Can you at least get us some backup?

383. Send me a pin of your location.

384. I'll have state troopers rendezvous with you.

385. Do Judy's men know what you're driving?

386. Yes, they... No, not for long.

387. What the hell is this?

388. This is the front of a Galaxie 500,

389. welded to the back of a Datsun,

390. with half its windows and no trunk.

391. It's all I could afford.

392. You really think you're going to make it to the prison in that?

393. Well, we only have 38 miles left.

394. So, sorry, Judy, but it looks like I have the upper hand now.

395. Door fell off.

396. So, what do you wanna talk about?

397. Nothing. We're not talking anymore.

398. No. No phone call for you.

399. She's calling for you.

400. Yeah, it was going to be another fun road trip surprise.

401. But you don't deserve... 'Sup, Rosa?

402. Judy, Judy, Judy...

403. No, no. There's no singing for him now.

404. But you made me learn such a long song.

405. It has 35 verses and no chorus.

406. I know, I'm sorry.

407. But plans have changed.

408. Mm, let me guess. Doug wasn't excited about prison and now he's trying to escape?

409. You know it. Yes.

410. Good luck, Doug.

411. Thank you for planning that. What's the next surprise?

412. There isn't one. You ruined it. There's no more fun.

413. So that's how it is? When it was gonna end with me in prison,

414. we could have a good time.

415. But now it's gonna end with me riding off into the sunset,

416. a free man, and we're all moody?

417. You're not escaping. And if you did, I would lose my badge.

418. Maybe it's for the best. You'd make a dope realtor.

419. I don't want to be a realtor.

420. You're telling me you don't want to sell a penthouse to Zayn Malik,

421. and then party with him afterwards?

422. I mean...

423. That does sound kinda cool.

424. Next thing you know, you're the go-to guy

425. for all of One Direction's property needs.

426. No! There's too much tension between Zayn and the others.

427. You're selling me a pipe dream.

428. All I'm saying is you're more than just your job.

429. It doesn't matter. It still doesn't give you the right to get me fired.

430. Honestly, seems like a small price to pay for my freedom.

431. Think about it. It's all I ask.

432. Finally.

433. Captain Raymond Holt called in for backup.

434. We're supposed to escort you to the prison.

435. Copy that. Thanks.

436. What are y'all wearing?

437. Tigers and toucans. Yessir. Tigers and toucans. Yessir.

438. Interesting. And why isn't he cuffed?

439. Don't worry about it. Peralta knows I wouldn't physically overwhelm him.

440. What's happening here is more of a mental overwhelmsion.

441. There's been no overwhlemsion of any kind.

442. And yet I just tricked you into thinking overwhelmsion is a word.

443. No.

444. Stay in contact if you need anything.

445. Thank you.

446. Hey, if we're not gonna talk, can we at least play some music?

447. I can get with this.

448. Oom-pah, oom-pah Oom-pah, oom-pah...

449. What are you doing?

450. Wow. I can't have a diverse musical palate?

451. I'm not sure what you're so happy about. I have backup now.

452. I'm choosing to focus

453. on the journey, not the destination.

454. Suit yourself.

455. Wait.

456. Wait, this isn't part of your plan, is it?

457. Are the state troopers actually your guys?

458. Sounds like something I would do.

459. I mean, how would you even have contacted them?

460. Unless somebody messed with Holt's phone.

461. Classic Doug.

462. No, that's crazy. You're just bluffing.

463. Also classic Doug.

464. Rerouting.

465. Rerouting?

466. It's probably nothing. I'm sure we're going down a side road

467. away from the prison for a good reason.

468. Hey, this is Peralta.

469. Why did you guys just turn? Where are you going?

470. This is the way to the prison.

471. I'm heading into a trap, aren't I?

472. Hard to say. But if those are your guys,

473. what are they waiting for? Don't know.

474. But if they're not your guys, where are we going?

475. Unclear. I'm calling Charles.

476. What's up, Peralta?

477. No!

478. All right, Jake. Stay calm.

479. This all makes sense.

480. You called for backup, then Holt said backup was coming,

481. and now they're here. These guys are real.

482. If you can't trust them, you can't trust anyone.

483. You're right. That's good logic.

484. I can't trust anyone.

485. Okay. We lost them.

486. I gotta know. Were they actually your guys?

487. Nope. Damn it. I knew it.

488. Whatever. Doesn't matter anyway.

489. We're almost there. We're just taking a different route.

490. At the next intersection, turn left.

491. Wait. This doesn't look right.

492. Sure it does. We just took a different route, like you said.

493. Came in the back way.

494. Yeah, but, prison should be visible.

495. You have reached your destination.

496. Uh-oh.

497. Slurp, Slurp, Peralta.

498. Slurp, Slurp!

499. I don't understand. How did this happen?

500. Remember when I switched out your contacts?

501. I also changed the destination on your GPS.

502. So we've been driving to the wrong place this whole time?

503. Everything else was just a distraction?

504. I wanted you to focus on the journey, not the destination.

505. Yeah. Got that from you.

506. Dumbass. He's not a dumb-ass, Trudy.

507. It was a brilliant plan.

508. Yeah, hinged on him handing you his phone

509. and not noticing that he was driving directly to us.

510. Yeah, but there was also some mental misdirection.

511. It was a bit of a chess match, it's true.

512. Yeah. Chess match with a dumb-ass.

513. All right, we gotta move. Judys, you get in the SUV.

514. I'll take care of the cop.

515. What do you mean, "take care of him"?

516. Shoot him in the face. What!

517. Doug, who are these guys?

518. I don't know. Trudy, who are these guys?

519. Well, you're old crew split when you went legit.

520. So I put an ad for goons on the Internet.

521. TaskRabbit? Craigslist.

522. Trudy! Never contact Craigslist crooks.

523. He's a cop, he's seen our faces.

524. It's okay, he doesn't care about you. He doesn't even know your name.

525. It's Vince Thompson. Don't tell him.

526. Look, I'm just after Doug. That's it.

527. Yeah. He's gonna forget all about you,

528. guy whose name I can't even remember.

529. It's Vince Michael Thompson.

530. What is wrong with you?

531. Look, you can let us do what you hired us to do,

532. or you can join your buddy in a ditch.

533. Fair enough.

534. Fair enough. Enjoy the ditch, Jake.

535. "Enjoy the ditch"?

536. Those are your final words to me?

537. Hey man, this is not a game. And I'm not Estelle Minderman.

538. Life is about choices, difficult choices.

539. And sometimes... Now!

540. All right. Nobody move. Stay where you are.

541. See you later, dumb-ass.

542. I'll take the prisoner.

543. Oh. Can you actually give me one second?

544. Thanks. Look, Doug. I'm sorry it's gotta be like this.

545. If you're mad at me, I get it.

546. I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at myself.

547. I should've never become friends with a cop.

548. I mean, how did I expect this to end?

549. Well, regardless,

550. thanks for saving me back there with the Estelle Minderman thing.

551. Wasn't gonna let them hurt you, Jake. We're PB&J.

552. We're PB&J.

553. I wanna hug you, but... you're cuffed.

554. You can hug me.

555. Okay.

556. You can take him.

557. I'll see you soon.

558. Peralta. There's a call for you.

559. Oh, is it a casting agent from Double Dare?

560. I submitted as a kid. Maybe they're finally calling to put me on the show.

561. You think they'd be calling 30 years later?

562. All right, fine. I also submitted to the reboot.

563. It's not Double Dare.

564. It's an inmate from South Hill State Prison.

565. Doug Judy.

566. Hello? Hey, Peralta, what's good?

567. Hey, Doug. Are you okay?

568. I wanted you to know, and I've been thinking about it a lot.

569. I didn't mean what I said. I'm glad I met you.

570. Sure, it ended badly,

571. but we had some good times along the way, too.

572. We went on a cruise together.

573. We flew on Mark Cuban's jet.

574. We ate at a restaurant next to Gail from Top Chef.

575. And then you got so mad at her about Last Chance Kitchen.

576. I wasn't mad. I just think it's insane that they make you go online to watch it.

577. The point is, I wouldn't trade those moments for anything.

578. I'm choosing to focus on the journey.

579. Wait a minute. What language was that?

580. I don't know. Maybe Dutch. There's a lot of that in here.

581. You know how active the Dutch mafia is in Jersey.

582. Judy. Okay, fine.

583. Surprise! I'm in Amsterdam.

584. I escaped from prison.

585. My wife and I are living the life here now.

586. Amsterdam is great.

587. Jake, they got universal healthcare,

588. legalized marijuana,

589. and the workers are treated so much better,

590. but you know what the best part is?

591. That you're a free man again.

592. No. Stroopwafels.

593. They're like these wafer cookies with caramel in between.

594. Oh, yeah, I think I've seen those at Trader Joe's.

595. Well, look. I guess I'm happy that you're happy.

596. Well, I owe it all to you.

597. What do you mean? I think you know what I mean.

598. Uh, nope. No idea.

599. Really? Because after we hugged goodbye,

600. I noticed your pen was in my pocket.

601. Oh. That's weird. It was?

602. Uh-huh. And then I used it to mind freak myself

603. out of my cuffs and then out of jail.

604. Well, then I guess it's certainly lucky that it ended up in your pocket.

605. I wonder how it got there.

606. Yeah, well... I guess we'll never know.

607. Well, however it got there, I'm glad it did.

608. I love you, Peralta.

609. I love you too, Judy.

610. Tigers and toucs!

611. Tigers and toucs.