Brooklyn Nine-Nine 8x1

1. Hey, you guys got a sec?

2. I need to talk to you about something.

3. Whatever it is can wait, Rosie.

4. You're gonna want to see this.

5. Question, what is the number one problem with the coronavirus?

6. Mass death, economic collapse,

7. the way the disease has exposed the systemic injustice

8. at the core of American life.

9. Well, yes, obviously those, but after that,

10. it's how to high-five your friends

11. while staying six feet apart.

12. But now the world can stop their worrying

13. because we have created

14. the COVID five.

15. With this machine, you can execute

16. any high five your heart desires.

17. There's the classic.

18. Slip me some skin.

19. Sprinkle me. Sprinkle me. Sprinkle.

20. Sprinkle me. Sprinkle.

21. The Vulcan scissor.

22. That's a bad one. Yeah.

23. And of course, the need for speed.

24. Whoo!

25. Wow. That was impressively stupid.

26. I know, right?

27. So what was it you wanted to tell me?

28. Just wanted to say goodbye.

29. I turned in my resignation. I quit the force.

30. What?

31. Ow!

32. Dude, that was by far the best five.

33. You're quitting?

34. To Sergeant Santiago.

35. You were on maternity leave longer than expected

36. because of the pandemic,

37. but now that all first responders

38. have been vaccinated, you've returned.

39. Cheers. Cheers.

40. Not exactly an emotional welcome back.

41. Are you crying?

42. Oh, he just always knows exactly what to say.

43. She's consistent.

44. So, guys, tell me everything that happened while I was gone.

45. Well, as you know, Hitchcock retired

46. the very first second he could.

47. That's right. I couldn't wait to get out of there.

48. Why are you always with us on FaceTime?

49. Because I miss Scully.

50. He's more present than when he worked here.

51. It's been a terrible year. True.

52. But you know what was rougher?

53. The hundreds of years of oppression

54. experienced by Black people in this country,

55. oppression they still experience to this day.

56. Why does Charles sound like a podcast?

57. Oh, because I'm listening to one right now.

58. It's called Two Wrongs Makes a White,

59. Lessons in Anti-Racism.

60. Yeah, you're lucky you weren't here on Juneteenth.

61. What the hell?

62. He went full Schumer.

63. Cultural appropriation, Amy.

64. She'll figure it out. You're the one who did it!

65. Mmm-hmm. So where's Rosa?

66. Thought she'd be here by now.

67. I'm telling you, she's not coming.

68. Ever since she quit the force,

69. she thinks we're just part of the problem.

70. Oh, she never said that.

71. She quit after George Floyd was killed

72. because she thought that she could do more good

73. by becoming a PI that helps

74. victims of police brutality.

75. That has nothing to do with us.

76. Then how come we haven't hung out

77. at all since she quit?

78. Setting up a new business takes time.

79. She's probably too busy to see friends.

80. And yet I have time to see my friends,

81. and be a father, and do my job,

82. and straight-up crush it

83. at Goat Simulator on my Switch.

84. That's not something to be proud of.

85. Being a father is not something to be proud of, Ames?

86. Wow. You've changed, dude.

87. Look, all I'm saying is, I promise you

88. she is not gonna show up tonight.

89. And if she does, I'll give each of you $1,000 cash.

90. That's a promise. Hey, everybody.

91. Jake's word is not legally binding.

92. Any promise of cash reward is, of course,

93. understood as hyperbole.

94. Rosa! I knew you'd make it.

95. 'Sup, my guy?

96. What?

97. Sorry. It's been a while.

98. I forgot how we used to greet each other.

99. Anyway, how's the cool new PI gig going?

100. Eh, it's not that cool. I have a desk at a WeWork

101. that I share with a Twitter comedian.

102. Oh, fun. But I'm getting more clients.

103. I just got a new job this morning.

104. A woman was assaulted by two police officers in the Seven-Four.

105. Oh. Well, that's horrible.

106. Wait, the Seven-Four. I know the captain there.

107. She was my sergeant before I transferred to the Nine-Nine.

108. I could talk to her. She can help.

109. Nah, I doubt that.

110. You know, the system can still work sometimes

111. when good people are involved.

112. Is that why you want to help,

113. so you can make some point about policing?

114. No. I'm not some point maker, shot taker,

115. making girls hot like oats by Quaker.

116. Hey, man, you're rapping. Yeah, I had to see where it was going.

117. Look, I just want to help out.

118. Plus, it might be fun to work together again. I miss seeing you.

119. Hmm. Okay.

120. I'm meeting my client tomorrow. I'll text you the details.

121. Yes. Jake and Rosa are back!

122. You okay?

123. Your leg shake is rattling the windows out there.

124. I'm stressed. It's Captain Holt.

125. You won't believe what he said to me.

126. Hello, Santiago. How's your lunch?

127. Pretty bad, right?

128. That he politely asked you about your lunch?

129. It was small talk.

130. Captain Holt always says

131. that true friends sit in silence.

132. Small talk is for...

133. Strangers and conmen.

134. So I'm a stranger now.

135. This is my big fear about having a child,

136. losing my spark with my boss.

137. Amy, he's your captain.

138. You act like it's some romantic relationship.

139. You know what, Terry? You're right.

140. It is like a romantic relationship.

141. That's what you got from what I said?

142. Do you still have that relationship book

143. from when you and Sharon were having issues?

144. That book was about sex. And it's actually Scully's.

145. But I bet Scully also ordered some relationship books

146. when Scully got himself that sex book for Scully.

147. Just own the sex book thing.

148. You want my help or not?

149. Fine. Can you please get Scully's relationship book

150. that is obviously not yours?

151. Weird that you're asking me to do it, but okay.

152. I'll see what I can do.

153. Hey, my client's in the conference room,

154. but before we go in there,

155. it wasn't easy getting her to agree to talk with a cop,

156. so don't be too cop-ish. Just be normal.

157. Got it, normal, not too cop-ish.

158. Won't be a problem.

159. Hello!

160. Yeah, this is not gonna work.

161. Sorry. You just gave me too many notes.

162. I got in my head. Let me start over, please.

163. Ms. Fulton, hello. I'm Detective Peralta.

164. I know you're nervous about talking to a cop,

165. which I totally get, but rest assured,

166. I'm one of the good ones.

167. And I know how that sounds,

168. but I'm not one of the bad ones who says

169. they're one of the good ones.

170. I'm actually one of the good ones

171. who says they're one of the good ones.

172. And I know how that sounds...

173. Does he just keep going until someone stops him? Yes.

174. Would you mind telling us what happened, from the beginning?

175. Sure. I was walking home from the pharmacy

176. when two uniformed cops stopped me

177. and asked me what was in my bag.

178. I said, "Nothing. Just some personal items."

179. But then they kept bothering me, saying,

180. well, if it's nothing, I should have no problem with showing them.

181. But in my mind I'm like,

182. "Why do I need to show them my new loofah?"

183. You don't. It's your loofah.

184. Thank you, Ms. Diaz. It is my loofah.

185. Anyways, I said I wanted to go home,

186. so I tried to walk past them, and they grabbed me.

187. Suddenly, I'm thrown on the ground,

188. and they're yelling at me to stop resisting,

189. which I wasn't.

190. I was just scared.

191. Then they threw me up against the squad car,

192. saying they was arresting me for assaulting them.

193. I'm the one who got the black eye

194. and bruises all over my body,

195. but somehow I assaulted them?

196. Do you remember what time of day it was?

197. 5:45, 6:00.

198. So right at the end of a shift.

199. Which means? Some officers like to make arrests

200. at the end of their shift so they can work later and get extra overtime.

201. That is so wrong. It is.

202. But I promise you, we are gonna get you justice.

203. Yeah, we'll see.

204. Hey, did you find the book?

205. Scully's book.

206. Wow. Someone's in a mood.

207. I went to my barbershop to get a quick cleanup, and Boyle was there.

208. Yeah, got a low-drop fade with a crisp lining.

209. I'm all about supporting Black businesses.

210. Right. Oh.

211. Are you upset about something, Lieutenant?

212. It's just that the barbershop is my therapy.

213. Mmm. It's where I go to clear my mind,

214. and that's hard to do with you there.

215. Mmm. Stop mmm-ing me!

216. It's my listening noise.

217. Listening doesn't require noise!

218. So I reviewed the Aisha Fulton case,

219. and it is definitely problematic.

220. The arresting officers have had several complaints before.

221. And their version of events is only two sentences long.

222. "Suspect had suspicious item. Scary."

223. It's clearly bogus,

224. but an officer did break one of his fingers.

225. Probably from tackling her to the ground.

226. Yeah, or from pointing it so hard at everyone but himself.

227. Who are you performing this for, Jake?

228. Both of you guys.

229. Look, I want to help, but the problem is,

230. we have no proof of what really happened.

231. Let me guess, their body cam footage

232. was mysteriously corrupted.

233. Yeah, they probably tampered with it,

234. but between us, there was a rookie there, Janice Lee.

235. If you can get her to confirm your client's story,

236. I can help you.

237. Here's her address. Great.

238. See, Rosa, this couldn't be any easier.

239. Frank O'Sullivan, head of the Patrolmen's Union,

240. and there is no way on God's green earth

241. that you're ever talking

242. to anyone involved in this case.

243. I mean, I guess it could be a little easier.

244. Why are you here, O'Sullivan?

245. Officer Lee called me,

246. and I'm here to stop your heartless crusade

247. against our heroes in blue,

248. but to be clear, all I want is to keep our city safe

249. and then to go home to my ma at night.

250. You live with your mom?

251. My ma lives with me...

252. in her house.

253. Do you have something against my ma?

254. Because I'll be honest with you,

255. there's only three things that I love in this whole world,

256. my ma, the NYPD,

257. and Billy Joel.

258. And right now, you're assaulting

259. two of those three things.

260. Wow. So Billy Joel made your top three?

261. And now you've assaulted all three.

262. Can we please just talk to Officer Lee?

263. Look, these are nice boys that you're going after.

264. All the perp had to do was show them what was in the bag,

265. but no, no, she had to escalate things.

266. A finger was broken.

267. Do you understand that if anyone else was being treated

268. the way our brave officers are being treated,

269. there'd be marching in the street,

270. which I would oppose, by the way,

271. because marching leads to rioting,

272. and rioting leads to looting.

273. Okay, this doesn't seem like it's gonna be a short rant.

274. Yeah, we're gonna head out.

275. Hello, Captain.

276. It's so good to see you.

277. So, so good.

278. What's with the bizarre eye contact

279. and the weird way you're talking, Santiago?

280. Did you join a cult?

281. What? No. Are you sure?

282. Most cult members don't realize they're part of a cult.

283. I'm not in a cult.

284. I was trying to connect with you.

285. It's a method from this book.

286. Oh, is that one of Terry's sex books?

287. You mean one of Scully's sex books.

288. Ever since I came back,

289. you've been acting distant.

290. What happened to Raymy? Raymy?

291. Ray and Amy, Raymy. It's what people call us.

292. I don't know a single person who's ever called us that.

293. Regardless, something is very wrong between us.

294. You made small talk with me yesterday.

295. Oh, you noticed that.

296. Of course I did!

297. It was like a knife to my heart,

298. which is why we have to do the exercises in this book.

299. Please, sir? Please?

300. If I agree, will you go back to work?

301. Absolutely.

302. Fine. What's the next exercise?

303. It is...

304. way too sexual.

305. Wow.

306. We're gonna have to skip around a bit

307. to make this appropriate for work.

308. Something seemed off to me in O'Sullivan's rant.

309. How red he got?

310. Yeah, he looked like a candied apple with a widow's peak.

311. No, he said all the perp needed to do

312. was show them what was in her bag,

313. but that wasn't in the police report

314. and Lamazar didn't know that, so how did he?

315. I think O'Sullivan watched the body cam recording

316. before it was corrupted,

317. which means he might have the original footage,

318. which means if we want proof,

319. we need to break into the union and get it.

320. That's a lot of ifs.

321. And besides, we can't break into the union.

322. They'd recognize us. No way.

323. Just put on a big dumb watch, some Oakleys,

324. and a camo baseball cap. You'll fit right in.

325. Okay, look, as much as I would love

326. to take on the character of Mitchell Keith Erickson

327. from Toms River, New Jersey, I can't do it.

328. Why not? You already named him.

329. He named himself!

330. But I don't have a warrant, and you could be arrested for breaking and entering.

331. No, I think we should knock on doors

332. and try and find a witness to corroborate the story. You sure about that?

333. Have you talked to the people of New York lately?

334. Yes, I know what you think.

335. And obviously things are a bit tense,

336. but I believe that people still understand

337. that we're here to help.

338. Nope.

339. Yeah, I saw something.

340. It looked kind of like this.

341. I don't talk to pigs.

342. Copy that.

343. Hey, Charles.

344. I just got a random Venmo payment from you.

345. Was this an accident? No.

346. It was the only way I could express how sorry I am

347. for what you've had to go through.

348. Consider it a mini reparation. Mini?

349. I wouldn't say $10,000 is mini.

350. $10,000!

351. Yeah, when I saw that you sent it,

352. I was like, this must have been an accident,

353. like you meant to send $100

354. and then thought you needed to add the cents, too,

355. and then accidentally added two zeros.

356. That's a pretty good guess as to what could have happened, but didn't.

357. Because I meant every last zero.

358. I'm sure you did. Thanks, Charles.

359. You got it.

360. Wow, Charles, that was so nice of you.

361. It was obviously a mistake, Scully!

362. How many more of these are we gonna do

363. till you realize it's pointless?

364. Well, I don't think it's pointless.

365. That's what I've been trying to prove to you.

366. Wait, I thought you said you weren't trying to prove a point.

367. Well, yeah, but I mean, I kind of had to say that

368. so you'd let me work with you and I could make my point.

369. See, this is why we don't hang out anymore,

370. because you're always so defensive.

371. Well, it's kind of hard not to be

372. when you think I'm a bad person now.

373. I never said that. You didn't have to.

374. Rosa, we came up together.

375. We went to the academy together.

376. We've had the exact same career.

377. All we ever wanted was to be detectives.

378. And yes, we've always known there were problems,

379. but we would solve them together from the inside.

380. So when you quit, yeah, it made me feel

381. like you thought I was wrong for staying.

382. Jake, my choice has nothing to do with you.

383. It was the hardest thing I've ever done.

384. I gave up my career, my friends, my whole life,

385. but I did it

386. because I couldn't ignore what I was a part of anymore,

387. couldn't ignore what the police are doing in my community

388. to people who look like me.

389. I know, but not all of them, not me.

390. This isn't about you!

391. And this case, where a Black woman

392. was assaulted by the police,

393. has nothing to do with you either.

394. So if you're not here to help,

395. if you're just here to prove a point, then,

396. man, I don't think we should work together anymore.

397. And I definitely don't think we're friends.

398. Scully, I need your help, but you can't tell anybody what I'm up to.

399. Oh, not a problem. I don't talk to anyone but Hitchcock.

400. And nobody where I am even speaks English.

401. Where are you? Brazil, baby!

402. I got conned by a cam girl,

403. but it turns out, I love it here.

404. Okay, look, you two are always complaining

405. about work regulations, so I'm guessing

406. you know your way around the Patrolmen's Union.

407. I need your help to break in. You bet.

408. Those bastards are everything that's wrong with policing.

409. Their dress policy's insane.

410. You have to wear a shirt at all times.

411. Yuck! Just tell me how I can get

412. to O'Sullivan's office undetected. No problem.

413. He goes to lunch at 12:30, so that's your window.

414. At 12:45, the mail is delivered.

415. The guard at the desk always flirts with the mail woman,

416. so he'll be distracted.

417. Then go down the main hall. This is important.

418. It's your last bathroom stop on the whole floor.

419. It's unisex and handicap,

420. so you get that bad boy all to yourself.

421. Tell her about toilet paper.

422. Stop talking about bathrooms.

423. Fine. Pee your pants. What do I care?

424. Go to the last office on the right, and you're there.

425. Well, that background is on brand.

426. Yeah, Ma! I got the tickets!

427. What do think? Front row, Ma, Billy Joel.

428. You, me, and the poet of Long Island.

429. Huh? No, I know.

430. So it says to participate in a new hobby

431. your partner has expressed interest in.

432. Have you gotten into anything new lately?

433. I started performing daily checks

434. of my blood-oxygen level during COVID

435. because I feared for my life.

436. Ooh!

437. Ninety-eight. Ninety-eight.

438. We did it. We're back to being Raymond-Amy.

439. It's Raymy.

440. And you can't measure our connection by blood levels.

441. Let's do another exercise.

442. Regulations.

443. Regulations. Regulations.

444. Regulations.

445. How much longer do we have to do this?

446. It was supposed to be a meaningful word

447. to both of us, but clearly that wasn't it.

448. Okay, now we're supposed to tell each other

449. a secret no one else knows.

450. I'll go first.

451. I once had a sex dream about Sanjay Gupta.

452. This is absurd. I know.

453. And it was really graphic.

454. No, these exercises. We're not lovers.

455. We're not even friends. We're co-workers.

456. I'm tired of Terry's stupid book.

457. Scully's book!

458. I beg your pardon?

459. Did you just say you want to bring Gary?

460. I need to speak with my union president immediately!

461. Ma, I gotta call you right back. Okay.

462. Could I help you out, sir?

463. I certainly hope so, sir.

464. My name is Mitchell Keith Erickson,

465. and I've just been assaulted based solely on profession.

466. Oh, damn it to hell, son.

467. Tell me what happened. All right.

468. So I go to this phone store, right, to get my screen fixed.

469. And they say, "Yeah, no problem, 45 minutes."

470. So I wait, and I wait.

471. Fifty minutes go by!

472. Nobody helped me.

473. It's despicable. So I go back

474. into the back room to complain,

475. and they're all just sitting around

476. trash-talking Billy Joel!

477. What?

478. They said Piano Man is his only good tune!

479. Well, now, that's just insanity.

480. Uh, hey, Terry.

481. Um, I have to come clean,

482. and please don't say anything until I'm done,

483. not that I'm trying to silence you.

484. I am listening. Just say it!

485. The $10,000 was supposed to be $100.

486. And I was too embarrassed to ask for it back.

487. Boyle, I need to come clean, too.

488. I knew you made a mistake.

489. I was just messing with you. You were?

490. Obviously! Okay.

491. Look, Boyle, it's great that you're trying to do better,

492. but the way you're doing it is kind of messed up.

493. If you want to do something about these issues,

494. you have to do it because you think it's the right thing,

495. not because you want me to know about it.

496. That just makes stuff weird between us.

497. You're right.

498. You're right. I won't be as performative.

499. I just donated to a great charity,

500. but I won't tell you which one or how much.

501. Good for you.

502. For Black transwomen. It was $1,000.

503. Dear Lord. I got out of there 45 minutes ago.

504. Why were you in there so long?

505. O'Sullivan wouldn't let me leave

506. until he had explained to me

507. why reverse racism was worse than,

508. as he called it, classic racism.

509. How'd you know I'd be here?

510. I bumped into Scully, and he told me everything.

511. He was really worried you weren't gonna take his toilet advice.

512. Well, thanks for saving me in there.

513. Yeah, of course. You know I've always got your back.

514. And I'm not trying to make a point. I'm just here to help.

515. Well, you did, 'cause I got the footage.

516. Oh, I'm gonna have to delete this.

517. Yeah.

518. Oh, wait, you're not joking.

519. Oh, no. You're a villain!

520. Why'd you delete it?

521. You said you'd help us if we got proof.

522. Yeah, but I didn't think you'd get proof, get proof.

523. I thought you'd just, you know, get proof.

524. There's proof and there's proof.

525. You got the wrong kind of proof.

526. I don't know how much clearer I can be.

527. So you were never gonna help us?

528. I am helping you!

529. I can still get the charges against your client dropped.

530. Now that I saw that footage,

531. I'll get my officers to revise their statements.

532. And they'll be punished?

533. No, there's no way I can suspend them.

534. Suspend? I thought you would fire them.

535. Oh, you're being serious now.

536. Huh, I guess jokes aren't our thing.

537. Well, if I fired them,

538. it would trigger the union's appeal process.

539. PBA's grievance proceedings allow

540. for both unions and individual officers

541. to challenge personnel actions by superiors.

542. The complaint gets sent up the chain of command

543. till they get someone who sides with the officers.

544. And the courts are a nightmare.

545. Prosecutors work closely with cops.

546. They're not gonna jeopardize their relationship

547. by pursuing cases against them.

548. All the officer has to say is he feared for his life,

549. and it gets thrown out.

550. Look, we know all of this, but that doesn't mean you just give up.

551. Okay, so say I don't give up and I get the commissioner

552. to agree to fire the officers.

553. Do you know what happens next?

554. They'd file a countersuit. Yes.

555. And the officers get paid to stay at home.

556. Not to mention qualified immunity.

557. And now the officers are back on the street, and I am blackballed.

558. And then one of the only female captains in the NYPD

559. is forced to quit.

560. And you don't want me gone. I'm one of the good ones.

561. And I know how that sounds, but I'm not

562. one of the bad ones who say they're one of the good ones.

563. I'm one of the good ones who say they're one of the good ones.

564. Yeah, I hear it, Rosa. You can stop

565. staring daggers at me. Let's just go.

566. Sir, do you have a minute?

567. I wanted to apologize.

568. Being back at work has been weird.

569. Rosa's gone, and the world has changed.

570. And you were the one person

571. I thought I could count on to be the same.

572. Always Holt.

573. I know I've been acting crazy, and I'm sorry.

574. Do you know why I engaged in small talk with you earlier?

575. Because small talk is for strangers and conmen,

576. and that's what I am to you now, a stranger.

577. No. I did it because...

578. I am a conman.

579. I was trying to con you

580. into believing everything is normal with me when...

581. it is not.

582. Kevin and I have separated.

583. Oh, my God.

584. Why?

585. It's been a tough year to be a Black man...

586. and a police captain...

587. and a human.

588. I've been pushed to the brink emotionally and physically.

589. I went into survival mode,

590. and it seems I have...

591. neglected my personal life.

592. Does anyone else know?

593. Not here.

594. I have successfully hidden it for months.

595. Not very well, I might add.

596. I made small talk with Peralta on five separate occasions,

597. and he never even batted an eye.

598. He just blathered on about someone named...

599. Wario.

600. Yeah, he does that.

601. But you...

602. You noticed that something was off with me

603. the very first day you returned.

604. That just shows how well you know me.

605. And while I'm not yet ready to talk about it,

606. it's, uh, nice...

607. feeling like I'm not alone anymore.

608. And that's thanks to you...

609. Raymy.

610. Just so you know, I am not Raymy.

611. We are Raymy.

612. Just be glad I said it. Totally.

613. Yes, I am. Thank you, sir.

614. So those cops are just gonna keep walking the streets

615. doing this crap with no consequences?

616. I'm sorry. We really tried.

617. I guess getting the charges dropped was something,

618. so thanks...

619. to Rosa because you're not a cop.

620. I'll hook you up with those five stars on Yelp.

621. That was rough. Yep.

622. Hey, so look,

623. I'm really sorry about everything.

624. I was projecting my insecurities onto you, and that was wrong.

625. And I like to think I've done a lot of good as a detective

626. and that I can continue to do that, but...

627. Maybe I am part of the problem.

628. Regardless, you're dealing with things in your own way,

629. and I get that it's not on you

630. to make me feel okay about my choices.

631. Apology accepted.

632. And just because our choices are different

633. doesn't mean we're not family.

634. Like The Fast and the Furious.

635. No. Right. No, not like that.

636. This is different, obviously.

637. The main point is, you think I made

638. the right decision staying on the force.

639. Jake! I know. I'm kidding.

640. I don't even care what you think.

641. Your opinion is literally meaningless to me, loser.

642. Yeah, now you swung too far in the opposite direction.

643. I felt that. It's a hard line to walk, so...

644. I'll work on it.

645. Yeah.