Brooklyn Nine-Nine 7x4

1. Jake, will you join me in Terry's office?

2. Oh, private rendezvous, huh?

3. This whole trying to make a baby thing

4. has got you super freaky...

5. Hey, Terry! What's up, dude?

6. What did you think was happening?

7. He clearly thought you were gonna have secret sex in here.

8. What? Inappropes, much?

9. I did not think that. Amy did.

10. She texted me about it. See? Proof.

11. Anyway, what's up, Lieutenant?

12. Santiago and I

13. are going to an administration workshop for the NYPD.

14. And it's voluntary, so only the cool kids are going to be there.

15. I love you so much. Continue.

16. Anyways, you're in charge for the day.

17. Oh, boy. Here comes the lecture.

18. "Be responsible, Jake. Don't do anything crazy or fun."

19. There's no lecture. I trust you.

20. Well, but there always used to be a lecture.

21. Yeah, well, you're not the same

22. immature, rebellious kid you used to be.

23. Didn't you and Amy just buy

24. a family-friendly midsize sedan?

25. In a rebellious color, champagne,

26. which is an alcohol.

27. And let's not forget, I wanted to have sex in your office just now.

28. Yeah, to have a baby and become a father!

29. Yeah, he turned it around on me.

30. It's not bad that I trust you more now.

31. Plus, there's not even that much for you guys to do today.

32. I mean, the squad is on reserve parade duty.

33. Your job is to sit around. Good point.

34. Besides, what's the worst thing a responsible guy like me could do?

35. Buckle your butts, everyone!

36. The Jimmy Jab Games are back!

37. Squad, today we write a new chapter

38. in the history of the Nine-Nine.

39. And that chapter begins with the word "Jimmy,"

40. and ends with the word "Jab."

41. That chapter's only two words long.

42. No, there's a lot of words in between.

43. It's a long chapter. The point is,

44. today we compete against one another

45. in a series of games, and this year's winner

46. receives one day's paid vacation,

47. courtesy of Officer Mark.

48. You said you needed that day for a private matter.

49. You know what? You shouldn't even be here.

50. Everyone say, "Thank you, Officer Mark.

51. "Bye, Officer Mark." Thank you, Officer Mark.

52. Bye, Officer Mark.

53. Now, who's ready to compete? Count me in.

54. I could really use this day off

55. to spend some time with my husband.

56. Oh, please. We all have loved ones.

57. You're not getting any sympathy just because you're gay.

58. Rosa, I don't think he was...

59. No, I was. She saw right through me.

60. Nevertheless, I will destroy you all.

61. Copy that. I love your intensity.

62. Now, Gina is gone, so we're out of a host.

63. Me! Please, me.

64. It's my time to shine.

65. It's my Greatest Showman moment.

66. Charles, you can't.

67. You know who else they told "You can't"?

68. Lettie Lutz, the bearded lady.

69. But then, Mr. Barnum gave her a stage.

70. Give me my stage, Jacob.

71. Wait, so you're the bearded lady?

72. No! I'm Barnum, you're Zac Efron,

73. and everyone else is one of my freaks.

74. Look, I would love to give you the hosting duties

75. so you can work through whatever weird fantasy this is

76. but we need at least six players

77. and the host can't play.

78. Then I'll find someone to replace me.

79. I promise you will have your circus, Mr. Barnum.

80. I thought you were Barnum. No!

81. I'm the greatest showman!

82. Isn't that Barnum?

83. Debbie, ah, just who I was looking for.

84. Oh, no. Am I in your seat? I'll sit on the floor.

85. Wh... what? No. No, don't do that.

86. No, I was just wondering

87. if you would like to take my place

88. in a little squad competition today.

89. Mm. I can't do competitions. I'm anti-dexterous.

90. Hmm? It's when neither hand

91. is good at anything. Oh, Debbie.

92. I was once like you.

93. A bashful beat cop with long, curly hair

94. and no confidence at all.

95. That's impossible. You're so suave.

96. Sure, now I am.

97. But I came a long way,

98. and I did it by challenging myself

99. to do things I never thought I could.

100. This is your chance to find that confidence.

101. I don't know. Debbie...

102. trust me.

103. Okay.

104. But only because I trust everyone.

105. So, Diaz, I've never been more excited.

106. My first time playing the Jimmy Jabs,

107. and I'm destined to win.

108. Look at my competition.

109. Little Miss Hay For Brains.

110. The Hay Brains, and King Brain Made of Hay.

111. Well, you're forgetting about me.

112. I'm also your competition. Yes,

113. but you don't normally care about games like these.

114. Well, I do care about this game.

115. And you're gonna lose

116. because my brains aren't made of hay.

117. My brains are made of brains.

118. Oh, ho.

119. The perfect retort.

120. Gather up, it's Jimmy Jab time!

121. Ooh, are you doing opening ceremonies?

122. Yeah, and you might wanna leave

123. before things get too crazy.

124. A little plausible deniability.

125. Actually, I wanna record 'em.

126. May you can teach other precincts

127. how to throw their own versions to boost morale.

128. No, I'm not a teacher.

129. I'm a class clown/bad boy with a heart of gold. Whatever.

130. Charles, just start.

131. Ladies and gentlemen.

132. The moment you've been waiting for.

133. Wow, he went full Showman.

134. I present to you six freaks... Yeah.

135. who, through a series of elaborate games,

136. will be eliminated one by one

137. until a champion is crowned.

138. And that champion shall...

139. inherit my circus.

140. And get a day off. I was getting there, Ro-Ro.

141. Let me have my fun. Yeah, Ro-Ro, let him have his fun.

142. As always, we start the games

143. by lighting the ceremonial bagel of destiny.

144. Ah, it's actually the baguette of destiny

145. because this year, we're throwing caution to the wind.

146. Charles, flame me.

147. Jimmy Jabs Jimmy Jabs

148. Jimmy Jabs

149. And with that, we commence...

150. my ten minute opening performance. What?

151. The crowd is ready The freaks are here

152. Wow, this is a really long performance.

153. Charles pulled off a costume change.

154. I wouldn't say he pulled it off.

155. He accidentally got bottomless in front of all of us.

156. Yeah. Peralta,

157. how about we make these games a little more exciting

158. with a wager? Ooh, interesting.

159. What'd you have in mind? If you win,

160. I'll do your paperwork for a year.

161. Go on. If I win, I get your new car.

162. You're joking, right?

163. Why? Because you can't imagine

164. someone bitchin' like me driving a lame family sedan?

165. No, because Jake would never bet our car.

166. Yeah, I would never do that.

167. But also, it's not lame.

168. It's the color of an alcohol. Everyone's talking about it.

169. No, Jake, it's a super lame car. But I don't mind.

170. My ex-step-son kicked me out of the house,

171. and I needed a place to crash with air conditioning.

172. Look, the bet is not happening.

173. Sorry, Amy, but this is between Jake and me.

174. Dude, what happened to the cool guy

175. that liked to make fun bets with his best bud?

176. Okay, Hitchcock, drop it.

177. Jake doesn't do that kind of thing anymore. He's an adult now.

178. Hitchcock, you're on!

179. He is? I am?

180. I don't know. Yes! Yes, you are.

181. Damn it, my pants.

182. Sorry, everyone. Look away, look away.

183. Oh, damn.

184. Wow, who knew?

185. He really is the greatest showman.

186. What the hell are you doing?

187. Why did you just bet our new car?

188. Because it's fun.

189. And because it's who I am.

190. I mean, remember all those crazy bets

191. we used to make when you were falling in love with me?

192. I remember the bets we made when I found you obnoxious

193. and difficult to be around.

194. Yes, those bets. See, you remember.

195. This is just like that. Hey, Santiago, it's time to head out.

196. Actually, I'm not leaving.

197. I'm gonna stay for the games.

198. Oh, look who's coming around already.

199. We're gonna have fun. No, this isn't fun.

200. A voluntary administration workshop is fun.

201. Yeah, I hear it ends with a six page self-assessment.

202. Oh, come on, Terry! You don't have to rub it in!

203. Welcome to the first competition.

204. Which one of you will meet your maker?

205. Be sure not to fowl out,

206. or you will meet your end.

207. We don't know what the game is,

208. so these puns don't work.

209. It's a meat throwing challenge.

210. All of the expired cold cuts from the kitchen refrigerator

211. are under this tarp.

212. Voila!

213. You will toss a meat of your choosing

214. at the break room window from ten feet away.

215. If it sticks to the glass, well, then you move on.

216. If it doesn't, then you're a... Cold cut?

217. Yes, now you're getting it. Thank you, Rosa.

218. Yah! Jake sticks it.

219. Amy sticks it.

220. Scully sticks it.

221. Hitchcock sticks it.

222. Holt old school sticks it.

223. Ro-Ro sticks it.

224. Debbie... where's Debbie?

225. I can't do this, Charles. I didn't even grab a meat.

226. I'm not some expert cold cut thrower like all of you.

227. Everyone, I need a second for a freak in trouble.

228. Debbie, I once stood here in front of this squad

229. and felt like I didn't belong. But...

230. But nothing. This is your chance

231. to do something great.

232. Debbie, this is your moment.

233. Take it, and stick this meat.

234. Is this turkey?

235. Yes.

236. I'm very allergic to turkey.

237. Hold her down!

238. So Debbie's out.

239. But she'll be fine, thanks to her purse

240. full of EpiPens.

241. And now, that brings us to the end of round one,

242. which mean it is time for another song.

243. It was the meet of the moment

244. Meat, meat, meat of the moment

245. Yeah, we'll be back in five.

246. Throw, throw, throw it at the window, window, window

247. So I bet you're wondering how I did so well

248. in that last competition. Actually, I was impressed

249. you didn't eat any of the meat.

250. Well, I don't deserve all the credit.

251. Scully, show 'em what we're working with.

252. This is Dorothy, my pill box.

253. My friend here

254. has dozens of medications prescribed for all of his ailments.

255. They make him normal.

256. They make me limitless.

257. This blood thinner can suppress appetite.

258. This eczema pill can cause extreme muscle spasms.

259. Which is pretty inconvenient,

260. unless you need to hurl meat across the room.

261. My God. He's doping.

262. Welcome to the big leagues.

263. Well, looks like things just got a little more interesting.

264. No, they got worse.

265. Amy, it's like Torrance from Bring It On says,

266. "You'll never be the best until you win against the best."

267. Didn't they lose in the end?

268. Yeah, but this is different.

269. Hitchcock isn't nearly as good as the East Compton Clovers.

270. It's like, where's your head at?

271. It's gonna be fine. It might not be fine.

272. Diaz, congratulations on moving on

273. to the second round, said I, sarcastically.

274. Oh, you're still in this.

275. I knew a uniformed officer had been eliminated,

276. I just couldn't remember which one.

277. Okay, we're both great at insults. Let's move on.

278. Tell me, why do you wanna win this game so badly?

279. Honestly... I guess I still feel like

280. my parents don't accept my sexuality.

281. And winning this will let me prove to myself

282. that as long as I feel good about who I am,

283. that's all that matters.

284. That's a load of dung.

285. You processed that parent stuff a year ago.

286. You're right, we're going to drag brunch this Sunday.

287. No. There's something private that is fueling you.

288. And when I find that private fuel,

289. I will extract it to use as my private fuel

290. in my private fuel tank.

291. Then I will have a full tank of private fuel,

292. and you will have an empty tank of private...

293. Rosa.

294. Welcome to K-9 Hide-and-Seek.

295. You'll be given five minutes to hide,

296. during which time Officer Frisbee

297. will be learning your scent.

298. Whoever he finds first is out.

299. How'd you get our clothes? Doesn't matter.

300. Now, hide, freaks!

301. Hide from the society that shunned you!

302. What? Why aren't you hiding? Are you quitting?

303. Oh, no, quite the opposite.

304. This little guy keeps Scully's liver from imploding,

305. but it has a neat side effect.

306. It also masks your natural odor

307. and makes you smell like a dead fish.

308. Ew. Who's got two stinky thumbs

309. that stink like rotten salmon?

310. This stinky guy.

311. You suck.

312. Ready or not, here comes my hellhound!

313. I'm a mop.

314. The flattop has left the big top.

315. Uh, wait, where's Jake?

316. Well, there's a TV cart

317. suspiciously in the middle of the room,

318. that ceiling tile's out of place,

319. and he said he was going to hide somewhere reckless,

320. so I'm guessing he's up there.

321. That's right, Amy. I'm in the ceiling.

322. Unlike you boring, old fogies,

323. I found the craziest...

324. Don't worry.

325. My bones and ribs broke my fall.

326. Time for our next competition,

327. The Hellevator.

328. You see, normally, our elevator can hold up to 12 freaks.

329. But what if it's filled with boxes,

330. and those freaks are wearing bomb suits?

331. Well then, its capacity drops to four.

332. Oh, but Mr. Barnum, there are five freaks here.

333. Whatever shall we do?

334. That's the twist.

335. You have to fight for your spot.

336. And once those elevator doors close,

337. one of you will be out.

338. Oh, did I mention, you have to do it all in bomb suits?

339. Yes, that was one of the first things you mentioned.

340. Oh, sorry. I was thinking of my next song.

341. Anyway, suit up, freaks!

342. You're pretty hurt, huh? Yeah.

343. It's very exciting.

344. I'm the underdog now, like Seabiscuit.

345. I mean, sure, I can't lift my arms,

346. but Seabiscuit won without even having arms.

347. What are you talking about? I don't know. I fell.

348. We're already married. It doesn't matter.

349. Well, you guys are in for a beating.

350. What, is that some kind of kidney pill?

351. It's to reduce my various swellings.

352. Basically, it's just speed.

353. That's illegal, and...

354. Okay, here we go, everyone.

355. The game begins when the elevator doors ding.

356. Are you ready for the Hellevator?

357. Buckle up. The juice is loose!

358. I am Hitchcock!

359. What the?

360. Jake, I'm in. Are you in?

361. Amy, I'm not gonna make it!

362. You just go for the day off. You've earned it.

363. No, we're gonna lose the car!

364. Oh, crap! Right, the car.

365. Oh, no, we're gonna lose the car!

366. Hell no, we won't!

367. You "Armageddon'd" me.

368. I don't know what that means.

369. A lover's sacrifice,

370. and another lover reborn.

371. These games truly have it all.

372. And now, a quick intermission

373. for one of my legendary costume changes.

374. All right, come on, Charles.

375. Quick change, no time for touch-ups.

376. We're running long.

377. Ow! Oh, Debbie.

378. Are you okay? Yeah, I'm just recovering

379. from the EpiPen.

380. I'm sorry I messed everything up.

381. I'm just not cut out for this high-stakes world

382. of having fun with friends.

383. First off, if you think you messed this up, you're crazy.

384. Nothing can mess up the performance

385. I'm putting on out there.

386. Secondly, what you did today was incredible.

387. I got disqualified immediately.

388. Did I ever tell you the story of my Jimmy Jabs humiliation?

389. No. You pretty much never talked to me till today.

390. Well, it was 2009, it was the opening ceremonies

391. and I couldn't be more excited.

392. I even got my hair styled just for the event.

393. Charles, flame me.

394. I was out before the games even began.

395. But I wouldn't change that moment for the world

396. because it made me realize that not even flames

397. can grind me down to dust.

398. There is a place for us, for we are glorious.

399. You are the bearded lady. We are all the bearded lady.

400. Now ask yourself what have you always wanted to do,

401. but were too scared to try? Sing.

402. What? I wanna sing

403. in front of everyone. Okay, little lady,

404. you get that voice warmed up

405. because you are doing the closing ceremonies.

406. I can't. I haven't prepared.

407. I don't even know the song.

408. Welcome to show business. It waits for no one.

409. You're on in an hour.

410. So Diaz, I figured out why you wanna win.

411. I hacked your work calendar.

412. Those calendars are public. Everyone on the system has access.

413. I hacked it. I'm a hacker.

414. Anyhow, you took a vacation 14 days ago,

415. and yet, you already want another day off?

416. Odd, unless you need it for a unique,

417. once-in-a-lifetime occurrence.

418. Perhaps a proposal to your girlfriend Jocelyn.

419. What? You've been dating for a year,

420. you've met each other's parents,

421. and you just got your nails done

422. to present her with a ring.

423. Jocelyn broke up with me. What?

424. I want the day off so I can sit alone

425. and listen to death metal and get my head right.

426. But what about my nail polish solve?

427. Getting my nails done made me feel better for a second.

428. This is a trick to throw me off.

429. I bet things are better than ever and you...

430. Oh.

431. You really are crying.

432. Welcome to my most sadistic creation.

433. The tangled nightmare of extension cords

434. that lives in our supply closet.

435. Your mission is to untangle your lamp's cord, plug it in,

436. and then pull yourself to it on your dolly and turn it on.

437. Oh, nice. Hitchcock's coming down from the speed.

438. I have a chance.

439. Freaks, begin!

440. Jake!

441. What is that? Grab the top one

442. and yank the bottom one! Oh, thank God

443. that's what you meant.

444. Although, I'm open to whatever you wanna try.

445. Here we go.

446. Diaz, I wanna apologize.

447. I'm not talking to you.

448. Oh, oh, Amy, it worked!

449. The pegging worked! What? No!

450. Here we go.

451. Go.

452. Gotcha.

453. You're never gonna catch me.

454. Yes, I did it!

455. And Hitchcock's gonna lose!

456. Rosa and Holt are gonna beat him.

457. Rosa, stop. I give up.

458. I want you to know I'm sorry for prying.

459. Win this thing, and enjoy your day off.

460. And if you ever want a friend to sit with you

461. and silently listen to death metal,

462. just know I'm always here.

463. Okay. I'd like that.

464. Ah, no! What are you freaks doing?

465. We're leaving the competition.

466. Some things are more important than a game.

467. No, they're not! Wait, where are you going?

468. Don't leave! We need you to...

469. Why does the ceiling hate me?

470. I don't get it. Why did you make this bet

471. in the first place? I don't know.

472. Terry kept saying all that stuff about how I matured,

473. and I got worried I was becoming a boring adult.

474. You are not a boring adult.

475. No. I am.

476. You wanna know why I really wanted that year of no paperwork?

477. It's so if we did get pregnant,

478. I would have more time to help with the baby.

479. Aw. No, save your "aw."

480. I don't deserve it. I'm just some boring, responsible guy

481. that's about to lose our car.

482. You're still pretty irresponsible. Aw.

483. You're just saying that 'cause you're my wife.

484. No, I'm not.

485. Yesterday, you took the batteries

486. out of our smoke detector

487. to put in your Big Mouth Billy Bass.

488. You noticed. Yeah.

489. In a bad way. Yeah.

490. Now get up, and win this bet.

491. You can do this. Yeah, you're right.

492. I can do this. Yeah.

493. Yeah, I maybe can't do this.

494. The time has come for the grand finale,

495. the obstacle course.

496. This is gonna be rough.

497. Turns out, taking a ton of random pills

498. is really bad for you.

499. Everything hurts.

500. Yeah, I'm like 50/50 gonna die.

501. On your mark, get set, dazzle me, freaks!

502. First, you must make your way past the barricade hurdles.

503. After the hurdles,

504. you must fish a dollar coin out of our gross,

505. clogged-up sink of nightmares.

506. Ew.

507. You use that money to buy a hot dog.

508. After you eat the entire dog,

509. you'll return to the break room,

510. where you must extract an olive

511. from the windpipe of a Heimlich practice dummy.

512. Why are you using your mouth for everything?

513. The winner will be the first person

514. to sit in the Ringmaster's throne.

515. Uh-oh, surprise twist!

516. To get to the throne, you must break through

517. a breach training door. What?

518. Why are you making this so hard on me?

519. It's all for the show, Jake.

520. The greatest show on Earth!

521. All right, fine. I can do this.

522. For my wife.

523. Ah, it didn't work.

524. My skeleton feels like it's made of Skittles.

525. I can't do it, Amy. Yes, you can, okay?

526. You just need a little energy.

527. And Debbie's EpiPens are full of adrenaline.

528. Is that a smart thing to do? Probably not,

529. but sometimes it's good to be a little irresponsible.

530. That could make me sick.

531. It's better than losing our car.

532. I mean, is it? 'Cause...

533. I will never die!

534. Yeah! Whoo! Whoo-hoo!

535. Whoo-hoo-hoo! Hoo! Jake is champion!

536. Congratulations, you inherit the circus!

537. I did it! I don't want the circus.

538. You like it? Not at all.

539. You can leave. Not a chance.

540. The show is over, lessons were learned, tears were cried.

541. Just remember, freaks,

542. the real freak is the freak inside.

543. And now, ladies and gentlemen, Debbie Fogel.

544. And now our games come to an end

545. We started as freaks but now we're friends

546. And we'll all be friends forever

547. Forever

548. Forever

549. Well, that was weird.

550. Whoa-ho-ho, you hear that?

551. It's the total silence of people reeling

552. from the performance of a lifetime.

553. How does it feel? Incredible.

554. I've never been that loud. That's what most singing is.

555. And with more practice, you'll only get louder.

556. Do you really think they liked it?

557. It doesn't matter what other people think.

558. What matters is that you can do anything

559. you put your mind to, because in the end,

560. my bearded lady, the beard was under you,

561. the greatest showman.

562. You're right. I can do anything.

563. Anything I put my mind to.

564. Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes, oh...