Brooklyn Nine-Nine 7x3

1. It's happening again.

2. Rosa, Rosa, Hitchcock fell asleep in the break room.

3. I pranked him. I tied his shoelaces together.

4. You're 38 years old, dude. I know,

5. and yet my pranks still stay so fresh. It's incredible.

6. You gotta untie his shoes before he gets hurt.

7. Puh, seriously?

8. Seriously. Fine.

9. But what's the worst thing that could happen?

10. He's being strangled to death!

11. How?

12. So you still annoyed? Yes.

13. You can't keep saying "mischief managed" after we finish sex.

14. It's what Harry Potter says

15. when he needs to clear the Marauder's Map.

16. Obviously, I know that, but I would prefer

17. to keep wizard terms out of our sex life.

18. But what we're doing is magical.

19. We're making a baby.

20. Wait, why'd you stop the elevator?

21. Look, I know you're excited, and I am too,

22. but I really don't want to talk

23. about us trying to get pregnant while we're at work.

24. You haven't said anything to Charles, right?

25. No, and it's killing me.

26. I still don't get why you can tell Rosa but I can't tell him.

27. Rosa's low key.

28. Charles can be low key.

29. So how was everyone's weekend?

30. Oh, uh, we bought a couch.

31. Whoo-hoo, tell me everything!

32. Okay, fine, he can be a bit much.

33. But don't worry.

34. I have a plan

35. that guarantees I'm not gonna tell him.

36. I've cut him out of my life completely.

37. That doesn't seem sustainable.

38. Yeah, well,

39. so far, it's working

40. and it's foolproof, so...

41. Morning!

42. Jake, can I talk to you for a second? Mmm-hmm.

43. I feel like we haven't hung out in forever.

44. Oh, is that so? I didn't realize. Is that the case?

45. You wanna get a drink after work tonight?

46. I'm dying to tell you about Genevieve's new shampoo.

47. It's edible. Oh, wow, that sounds so fun,

48. but I actually can't because I have plans

49. with Ted Crap... It's a friend of Amy's.

50. The point is, I'm unavailable for a very real reason.

51. Jake!

52. Oh, my God, is that... Boyle!

53. It does sound like...

54. It's me, Adrian Pimento.

55. Yeah, we know.

56. Hi, Adrian. How are you?

57. Very bad, someone's trying to kill me.

58. Before we wrap up this briefing,

59. I wanted to give a few shout-outs.

60. Diaz, great job on that B&E.

61. You are a good cop with a great attitude.

62. I don't like this. Santiago, when I think

63. of your CompStat reports, one word comes to mind... Wow.

64. And that "WOW" is an acronym for "wow, oh, wow."

65. What is happening? He's buttering us up

66. before giving us some devastatingly bad news.

67. My God, Jake and Charles are dead.

68. Jake and Charles are not dead.

69. It's worse than that.

70. We have to do our annual HR seminar

71. on workplace conflict tomorrow.

72. What? Already?

73. I know. I know.

74. These seminars are not exactly our favorite things.

75. Question. If I get shot in the line of duty, can I miss it?

76. Legally, you still have to make it up.

77. Well, there goes that plan.

78. Sir, it's a seminar that's too boring for me.

79. I'm saying no to a seminar.

80. Look, it's mandatory, it's not up for debate, but we'll get through it

81. 'cause we're the best squad in the city

82. with the nicest hair, the kindest eyes.

83. He's buttering us up again, so more bad news is coming.

84. HR said they're sending a funny guy.

85. No!

86. I hate that guy!

87. All I know is, I woke up in a pool of my own blood

88. next to a metal chair that had a dent in it

89. the same shape as my head.

90. What were you doing before the attack?

91. I was sitting in said metal chair watching

92. the season two premiere of The Masked Singer.

93. The Egg had just gone, and I'm pretty sure I know who it is,

94. Sara Gilbert.

95. That doesn't make any sense. Are you kidding?

96. You don't think I know how Darlene walks?

97. No, no, no, no, I'm sure you do,

98. it's just The Masked Singer ended four months ago.

99. I still can't believe that the Bowl of Ramen wasn't Dikembe Mutombo.

100. Four month... No, no, no. I watched this last night.

101. That doesn't make any...

102. Where am I?

103. What is that table? Calm down.

104. You're at the Nine-Nine, and you know what a table is.

105. I don't remember coming here. How did I get here?

106. Oh, my God.

107. Pimento has "Memento" disease.

108. Your memory is resetting

109. like the guy from the movie Memento.

110. What? You guys never saw Memento?

111. It's the guy with no short-term memory,

112. you know, Christopher Nolan's first movie.

113. Is it like Dory from Finding Dory,

114. she keeps forgetting where she's swimming?

115. No, no, it's like... Dory, yeah, yeah, yeah!

116. I'm like the forgetful little fish.

117. Ah. Oh, I mean, yeah, it's like that,

118. but it's also like... Just keep swimming!

119. That's what Dory says. Classic Dory, Jake!

120. Ugh, you guys really ruined

121. the coolness of this Memento thing.

122. Also, Jake, Following is Christopher Nolan's first movie.

123. You sound like a grade A out here.

124. What's up, squad?

125. Hope y'all like condiments because I got all the sauce.

126. Huh? I arrested a tween shoplifter yesterday,

127. and she was real cool at talking.

128. I love you, Amy, but maybe slang isn't your thing.

129. Whatevs.

130. Check it. I got a copy

131. of last year's workplace conflict presentation.

132. All we have to do is study the crap out of it,

133. then we can answer every question

134. before that tool from HR even asks it.

135. We'll be done in no time.

136. So your solution for getting us out of the boring seminar

137. is having us memorize the boring seminar.

138. Exactly. It's genius, and it's fun.

139. I love committing things to memory.

140. Yeah, I'm out. I don't do homework.

141. You do now.

142. Get busy, ya flope. Flope?

143. It means loser, okay? It's new slang.

144. People are saying it! The tween said so!

145. It just doesn't make any sense.

146. I mean, you love The Dark Knight, you love Inception,

147. and you haven't even seen Memento?

148. Jake, I don't know what to tell ya.

149. I spend a lot of time in jungles, you know.

150. They don't exactly get movies like that.

151. It's usually big blockbusters like Finding Dory.

152. 486 million domestic.

153. When you factor in international, $1.2 billion.

154. Look, Adrian, we don't have a ton to go off on here.

155. What else has been going on in your life?

156. Normal stuff. Ooh, I got hired as a PI

157. by the Countess Luann from Real Housewives.

158. I ended up sleeping with her in a tiny hotel Jacuzzi.

159. I also microwaved a watermelon

160. just to see if it would explode.

161. Okay, this is immediately unhelpful,

162. but did the watermelon explode?

163. It just cracked and got hot.

164. Oh. Total bust.

165. Hey, maybe one of your PI cases is the reason you got attacked.

166. I thought of that too, but I doubt it.

167. You know, they're all the same, kinda boring.

168. It's some redheaded lady wants me to hack her husband's phone

169. to see if he's cheating with a spin instructor named Kendra.

170. It seems a little specific that they would all be like that, but okay.

171. Where is that coming from?

172. Oh, my God, there's a bomb in my chest!

173. What? They put a bomb in my chest!

174. What do we do?

175. Wait a second, the sound's coming from my little watch.

176. You just assumed there was a bomb inside you?

177. It says, "Take pill, right jacket po..."

178. I've never seen these before in my life.

179. This was filled three days ago.

180. This doctor must be treating you for your...

181. Finding Dory Disease.

182. That's what most people call anterograde amnesia.

183. Just keep swimming.

184. Exactly, that's what I tell my patients,

185. just keep swimming.

186. So what do you think caused Pimento's memory loss?

187. Probably years of repeated head trauma.

188. I've been working as a neurologist

189. for over two decades, and I have never seen a patient

190. with more traumatic head injuries.

191. Well, doesn't look so bad.

192. The red is the good parts. Oh, my God.

193. Oh, I guess it does make sense.

194. Pimento lives pretty hard.

195. I locked my keys in the car again.

196. I guess I'll have to smash the window.

197. Actually, I got a hammer in my car.

198. Come on, everybody knows

199. the skull is the hammer of the body.

200. Yeah, that's not true.

201. What? Really?

202. Okay, well, then this is on me.

203. Look, this morning, Pimento was screaming

204. about someone trying to kill him.

205. Has he said anything like that to you?

206. He has, but I've seen him every day for weeks,

207. and I haven't noticed any new injuries,

208. but the medication he's on may be making him paranoid.

209. Really? Because he doesn't..

210. There's a bomb in my chest!

211. Right, he does keep doing that.

212. Hey, it was nice of you

213. to let Pimento crash at your place last night.

214. How'd it go? Oh, well, he gave Nikolaj a haircut while he was asleep,

215. but no weird memory stuff, so all in all, major win.

216. Great, so it sounds like he might be getting better.

217. Someone's trying to kill me!

218. Oh, boy, here we go again.

219. Oh, God! Pimento, Pimento, Pimento!

220. Don't worry. Everything's okay.

221. You've had some brain trauma,

222. and it caused you to lose your memory.

223. You're scared that you're in danger,

224. but there is no evidence that anyone is trying to kill you.

225. You're safe. Wait, wait, really?

226. Okay.

227. Thank you.

228. I was really worried, you know, 'cause of this gunshot wound.

229. Oh, my God, someone's trying to kill you!

230. What? You just told me that wasn't the case!

231. So there I am, naked, still holding the hedge trimmers

232. when the chauffeur walks in and I say, "Guess you caught me red-handed."

233. Because of the blood? Yeah, because of the blood!

234. See, you get it.

235. The bullet went through your friend's shoulder.

236. He should be fine, although he does keep asking me

237. if we do the Face/Off surgery here.

238. And what'd you tell him?

239. That we don't.

240. Right.

241. She's hiding something. Obviously.

242. Okay, Adrian, there's very little evidence to go on,

243. so we should take a look at your PI case files.

244. Don't have any. Keep everything right up here in the old steel...

245. Where am I?

246. What is this bed?

247. And his memory's resetting.

248. All right, Adrian, someone's trying to kill you.

249. Uh-huh. You have a memory disorder...

250. That makes sense. Like in the movie Memento.

251. I haven't seen that! It's like Finding Dory.

252. Oh, now I know exactly what's going on. Thank you, Charles.

253. Okay, let's get you dressed

254. and back to the precinct where it's safe.

255. Okay.

256. Oh, Adrian, the back of your gown's open.

257. Don't peek at my tushy. I'm not.

258. Wait, since when is your back covered in tattoos?

259. It's not,

260. otherwise I couldn't get buried in a Jewish cemetery.

261. Are you Jewish? Not yet.

262. Ooh, I should ask that nurse if they've got a mohel on staff.

263. Wait, maybe you've been getting tattoos

264. to help you remember things, like the guy in Memento.

265. Again, haven't seen it.

266. No, the tattoos could be clues

267. that you're leaving for yourself.

268. Here, we'll step out.

269. You get undressed and write down everything you see,

270. and you're fully naked. Hey-oh!

271. All right, well, I guess we're looking at 'em together.

272. Hello, squad.

273. My name is Brad Portenberg,

274. and today I'm gonna teach you about workplace conflict.

275. So I brought along someone who's an expert in conflict...

276. My ex-wife.

277. Just kidding. She lives in Vermont with our kids.

278. So can anyone tell me what a stereotype is?

279. The Irish are potato-eating drunks.

280. And the gays... No, no, no,

281. what does the word "stereotype" mean?

282. Uh... I got this, fellas.

283. It's a preconceived, often prejudiced notion

284. about a group of people.

285. Great, and can anyone tell me what a protected class is?

286. A group of people with a common characteristic

287. that is legally protected from employment discrimination.

288. And how many protected classes are there?

289. Twenty. Wow.

290. It seems like I have myself a star pupil.

291. Honey, you have no idea.

292. "Extra ranch, no tomato, no cilantro."

293. These are just a list of modifications

294. on a signature salad from Panera.

295. Okay, this one says, "Buy toilet paper"

296. in a truly gigantic font.

297. I hate to think of the horrific event

298. that led to a reminder of this size.

299. This says your bank account number is 432211378,

300. then just under that,

301. "Someone saw this and stole your money."

302. Aw. Ew.

303. This just says, "Don't trust your D."

304. Okay, well, that's good advice.

305. My D does get me in a lot of trouble.

306. Are you sure that's what the D stands for?

307. Oh, it's for sure my dong.

308. It could tell some stories, Costa Rica in '98, Nam.

309. It's coming up.

310. Oh, no, there's a bomb in my chest! Save yourselves!

311. No, no, no, no, it's just your little watch, okay?

312. Means it's time for you to take your pills.

313. You keep them in your right coat pocket.

314. Oh, okay.

315. Where's my coat? It's down in my car.

316. Ah, I'll go get it. You stay here.

317. No, no, no, your penis is out.

318. I'll go. Okay.

319. Whew, boy, I love that little guy, right?

320. Yeah.

321. Oh, my phone's ringing. Gotta grab it.

322. It's Amy. Aw, Ames! Put her on FaceTime.

323. What? No.

324. Come on! Hey, what's going on?

325. Hey, just checking in.

326. How's it going with Charles?

327. I know how hard this is for you.

328. Have you told him anything?

329. Nope, we're still all good.

330. He has no idea that we are

331. growing a Whomping Willow in your Chamber of Secrets.

332. Well, I have to get back to the seminar.

333. Also, you've ruined sex forever.

334. Yep, I heard it. I don't know why I keep doing it.

335. I love you. Bye.

336. What was all that about? Oh, I actually really can't tell you.

337. No, wait a minute, you're the only person

338. that I can tell because your brain's broken.

339. Anything I say, you'll just forget.

340. Well, I guess that's true. Give it to me.

341. Amy and I are trying to have a baby.

342. What? Jake, that's wonderful.

343. Come on, bring it in.

344. I'd rather not, but it still feels really nice

345. to talk to someone about it finally.

346. But I'm gonna be a dad. It's so crazy.

347. Hey, don't mention this around Charles.

348. Where am I?

349. Oh, perfect.

350. Listen, Denise, I felt personally attacked

351. when you included sesame bagels at the bagel brunch

352. knowing full well I'm allergic. I developed a rash.

353. Says you, Ainsley. I believe food allergies are a hoax.

354. Perhaps your rash is from all that makeup you wear.

355. This is an office, not some downtown dancery.

356. Okay, great.

357. Now, in this roleplay, who can tell me what went wrong?

358. Denise should have made reasonable accommodations

359. given Ainsley's medical issue.

360. Ainsley unnecessarily heightened the conflict

361. by assuming that Denise had a personal vendetta,

362. and Denise shouldn't have responded

363. to Ainsley's complaint with an ad hominem attack.

364. My thoughts exactly. I concur.

365. Yep. Wow.

366. I'm really disappointed...

367. That I have nothing to correct you on.

368. That was amazing.

369. I have never had a group finish

370. this entire seminar that quickly before.

371. It reminds me of a really funny joke about...

372. I'm laughing already.

373. Great seminar, sad it's over,

374. but it is, so see ya.

375. Actually, I have good news.

376. State law requires that this seminar

377. be no less than six hours,

378. so I guess we'll spend the next two hours

379. diving into specific conflicts

380. about this workplace and solving them.

381. But we beat you.

382. We beat you with study.

383. Brad, my funny friend,

384. we don't need this training.

385. We don't have any workplace conflicts.

386. Oh, there's always conflict somewhere.

387. Now, it could be something small, like a pet peeve, or...

388. Hitchcock slept with my wife, Kelly, in 1988!

389. So Kelly was his wife, not his dog.

390. Hey, before Charles gets back,

391. there's a few more secrets I want to say out loud to someone

392. who will immediately forget them.

393. Give 'em to me. In 11 th grade,

394. I told everyone I was going to a Megadeth concert,

395. but it was actually Melissa Etheridge, and I loved it.

396. Also, one time, I ate a dog biscuit

397. just to see what it tasted like.

398. I get it. They're delicious.

399. They're not bad.

400. Oh, here comes Charles.

401. Hey, man, did you get Pimento's meds?

402. Sure did. Aw, thanks, Chuck.

403. See, this is gonna make me feel a lot better.

404. I grabbed you a water from the hospital to wash 'em down.

405. Aw, thanks, Jake.

406. You're gonna make a good dad.

407. I'm so glad you and Amy are taking that step.

408. What? How did you...

409. What about your memory reset?

410. You and Amy are trying to have a baby

411. and you told Pimento and not me?

412. They've got a Panera here?

413. Okay, I love their salads exactly as they come.

414. Actually, you don't.

415. Thanks, Jakey.

416. See, you're gonna make a great dad.

417. Stop saying that!

418. Hey.

419. So you wanna talk about what happened before?

420. You mean the "you telling Pimento and not me

421. "that you're trying to make a baby" thing?

422. No, no, I'm totally fine.

423. Hey, coffee guy, how would you like to be godfather to my son?

424. Because a position just opened up.

425. Okay, we're talking about this.

426. Look, you're being unfair.

427. There's some things in my life with Amy

428. that are just between her and me,

429. and I need you to be okay with that.

430. Fine.

431. You're right. I get it.

432. I mean, it's not like you told anyone else.

433. Right.

434. I mean...

435. We told Rosa. Rosa, that dud?

436. Oh, why her and not me?

437. Sometimes you can be a little much.

438. A little much? A little much!

439. Yes, a little much.

440. Well, maybe, Jake, I have Finding Dory Disease too

441. because right now,

442. I can't remember why we ever were friends!

443. Okay, see, once again, that was a little over the top.

444. Excuse me, my godson's dad, the crazy guy just ran away.

445. Oh, my God, he's gone.

446. Pimento is gone. Just like our friendship!

447. Come on, Charles.

448. Well, I've got a bean to boil too.

449. Santiago always tries to finish my sentences

450. and frequently gets it wrong.

451. I do not, and I am not wrong.

452. You do it all the... Time?

453. No, I was going to say, "All the day long."

454. See? Frequently wrong.

455. I dogsat for Scully, and he never thanked me.

456. Kelly was a real handful.

457. Wait, I'm confused again.

458. Kelly was a dog? There were two Kellys.

459. You'd know that if you'd ever listen to my podcast.

460. Hey, dude, just relax.

461. Don't tell us to relax

462. just because you're too nice to have any pet peeves.

463. Oh, Terry's got peeves.

464. Terry hates the way you always make mouth noises when you eat.

465. "Nom, nom, I'm Rosa. I'm eating a croissant. Nom, nom."

466. How's this for a mouth noise? You suck. No, you suck!

467. As do you, as do you and you!

468. Oh, yeah? Well, you're all a bunch of flopes.

469. Flopes? This is the flope right here.

470. Okay, all right.

471. Okay, guys, that is our six hours.

472. The seminar is over.

473. I'm really proud of you guys,

474. lots of good progress here today.

475. You're welcome.

476. Excuse me. I'm Detective Boyle. This is my partner, Jake.

477. You probably think it's weird that I said partner and not friend.

478. Not at all. Well, the point is

479. that we're strictly colleagues.

480. Have you seen this man?

481. Yeah, he was here a few hours ago for a new tattoo.

482. It was supposed to say, "Jake and Amy are trying to have a baby."

483. Seriously? Aw.

484. Wait a minute, what do you mean "supposed to"?

485. He jumped out of the chair before I could finish,

486. second time it's happened.

487. First time, he left with a tat that said, "Don't trust your D."

488. That wasn't the whole tattoo? No.

489. He wanted it to say, "Don't trust your doctor."

490. Oh, my God.

491. Pimento's doctor is trying to kill him.

492. He must have remembered something

493. when he stopped taking his pills.

494. The pills are what's messing with his memory.

495. We have to find him before his doctor does.

496. Oh, I know where he's going. You do? Where?

497. Said he's going to his doctor.

498. Oh.

499. Thanks.

500. Detectives, good to see you again.

501. Oh, I see, the villain playing it cool

502. when confronted by the good guys,

503. just like Javier Bardem in No Country for Old Men.

504. Do you guys only watch kids' movies?

505. Whatever you're insinuating, I assure you, you're incorrect.

506. Cut the crap, Doc. We know everything.

507. That's right, your wife hired Pimento as a PI

508. to find out if you were cheating on her

509. with your spin class instructor, Kendra.

510. And you were, so you silenced Pimento before he could tell her

511. by drugging him to ruin his memory.

512. Now where is he? I haven't see him.

513. Oh, please, you're making this way too easy.

514. You clearly just glanced at this door.

515. Don't. He's not in there.

516. Oh, really? Because I'm pretty sure that he...

517. Isn't.

518. But he clearly was.

519. Jake, help!

520. Pimento.

521. Got him.

522. Help!

523. Jake, what's happening? What is this ledge?

524. You must have tried to escape out the window

525. and then your memory reset.

526. What? I don't understand.

527. Why would my memory reset?

528. It's just like the film...

529. Finding Dory.

530. Huh? Finding Dory.

531. Ah, say no more!

532. I completely understand!

533. Just stay where you are. I'm gonna come get you.

534. Okay.

535. Should I go over here?

536. No, why would you go over there?

537. I don't know!

538. I just woke up out here!

539. Just stay still!

540. Ah, I don't know what to do!

541. Okay, all right. Here I come. Here I come.

542. Oh, I'm scared of heights, Jake.

543. Yeah, so am I, Adrian.

544. This might not be the time to tell you,

545. but both my parents died falling out of lighthouses,

546. separate incidents.

547. Oh, man, I have so many questions,

548. but for now, just follow my lead, okay?

549. Okay. Take small little baby steps,

550. like this.

551. You're not moving! I'm not?

552. Oh, uh-oh.

553. This is bad.

554. Oh, I'm really scared, Jake.

555. I'm really scared. Yeah, I know,

556. just try and look at one thing and focus only on that

557. until I can get Charles out here to help.

558. Okay, okay.

559. Ooh, there's a juicy old person butt in that window.

560. Why's it gotta be juicy and old?

561. I don't know, but I'm grateful for it.

562. All right, just lock in on that.

563. Hey, Charles, I know you're still mad at me

564. for not telling you Amy and I are trying,

565. but I could really use your help.

566. That's not all I'm mad about, Jake.

567. I'm upset because you keep blowing me off.

568. We haven't hung out in weeks.

569. We don't talk on the phone anymore.

570. I can't remember the last time we painted pottery together.

571. Sorry, I know this isn't the time to talk about this.

572. No, no, no, keep going.

573. It's helping to distract me from the fact

574. that I could fall and instantly die.

575. Oh, no, from this height, it wouldn't be instant.

576. When you hit the ground, your ribs would shatter,

577. puncturing your lungs.

578. You'd start to drown on your own blood, gurgling and...

579. Okay, Adrian, I'm being distracted

580. by Charles right now, thank you.

581. Okay. Here, take... Take my hand.

582. I can guide you guys back.

583. Come on, we're a chain. Here we go.

584. Just keep swimming. Oh, just keep swimming.

585. Just keep swimming. Oh, say it, Jake.

586. Just keep swimming.

587. Good. Oh!

588. Hey, just so you know,

589. the only reason that I've been avoiding you

590. is because I really wanted to tell you

591. what me and Amy have been up to,

592. and I knew the second that I saw you, I would just blurt it out.

593. I always tell you everything.

594. I hated not being able to say anything.

595. Aw, that's so sweet.

596. Your love for each other is really wonderful.

597. Let's hug. Let's all hug.

598. Oh, no, no, no, we're still on the ledge!

599. Okay, this sucks.

600. We never fight, and then stupid Brad comes in

601. and turns us all against each other

602. and now we're acting like a bunch of kids.

603. Not all kids. My girls never act like this.

604. We may be arguing,

605. but we're all thinking the same thing.

606. Terry talks about his children too much.

607. Do I really? You all think that?

608. Keep a lid on the box, Pandora. You won't like what's inside.

609. Everybody, shut up.

610. You're all acting like a bunch of Ramonas.

611. Ramona? Yeah, she hated the smell

612. of her coworker's holiday candle, so she threw it out.

613. It was in that thing that you made us memorize.

614. You memorized it?

615. But you said it was homework and you don't do homework.

616. Yeah, well, you said to read it, so I read it.

617. We're a team, ya flope.

618. It's catching on. Eh, I mean...

619. Hey, guys, it's me, Adrian Pimento.

620. Hey, Pimento, how's it going, bud?

621. Pretty good, I know where I am,

622. and I know what a table is, so everything's going great.

623. Pretty low bar for greatness, but all right.

624. Hey, how's it been since you stopped taking those pills?

625. Well, thankfully, my full memory has come back,

626. even the things that haunt me.

627. Hey, Jake, I saw that movie you keep talking about.

628. You watched Memento? And what'd you think?

629. It's okay.