Brooklyn Nine-Nine 7x13

1. And those of you patrolling 7th Avenue,

2. please be aware of the new pedal pubs.

3. They're bike-powered mobile bars

4. that are very popular with bachelorette parties.

5. But unfortunately they have led to a dramatic increase

6. in the rarely seen case of female public urination.

7. Resist. Yeah.

8. That's everything, but before we go home,

9. quick reminder that today

10. is Sergeant Santiago's last day before maternity leave.

11. Yes.

12. We'll see you in three months.

13. She gets three months off?

14. Can I take a maternity leave?

15. Are you giving birth to a baby?

16. I'm having a seven pound mass

17. removed from my abdomen next week.

18. Yeah, never ask Scully questions. That's on me, guys!

19. Dismissed.

20. So, have you guys decided on a name yet?

21. We're not telling people until he's born.

22. Not the baby's name. My name. What's he gonna call me?

23. Uncle Chuck? Uncy C? Ooh... Chee-Chee, so he says it early?

24. Maybe just Charles.

25. Wait, so my dad gets to be his "Pop-Pop,"

26. but I'm just "Charles?"

27. Your dad does not get to be his "Pop-Pop."

28. Well, I hope you're prepared to make that phone call.

29. Uh, what was that?

30. Wow, all of Brooklyn lost power.

31. You know, I've always kind of liked blackouts.

32. Listen to how quiet it is. It's so peaceful.

33. Nope, it immediately turned into a purge.

34. Way to go, New York. All right, let's suit up!

35. Maybe it's not so bad out there.

36. I mean, none of our phones are ringing.

37. That's because all the cell towers are down.

38. Nobody has landlines anymore, so they can't call in.

39. Huh, really makes you think about society's reliance

40. on modern technology, doesn't it?

41. No. Yeah, me neither.

42. I just thought maybe that's how you see it.

43. Guys, stop wasting time. Headlamps on!

44. We have to engage blackout protocol.

45. I'm surprised, those guys are really springing into action.

46. Nope, they're just eating all the food in the fridge

47. before it goes bad.

48. There's a dozen sandwiches here, I don't know what kind.

49. I'll figure it out later. Just start chewing.

50. Yeah, they suck.

51. So, only Captain Holt or Terry

52. can initiate actual blackout protocol,

53. but I don't see them anywhere.

54. Guys? Where did our dads go?

55. Hello? Anyone?

56. We're stuck in the elevator!

57. Can't you yell any louder?

58. Use those big strong lungs you're always flexing.

59. These are my pecs.

60. So this is all just for show then.

61. It has no functional purpose.

62. I mean, I am pretty strong.

63. Good, then rip those doors open.

64. I can't do that. Oh, well at least you haven't

65. dedicated a significant portion of your life

66. to looking like this.

67. What is with you? I'm sorry.

68. This is a nightmare of mine.

69. I have a phobia of elevators.

70. It stems from a traumatic experience I had as a child.

71. They only perform rated-load testing

72. on city elevators every five years?

73. Oh, my.

74. That was the last time I read the municipal code before bed.

75. But...

76. The damage was done.

77. Wait, look at this, sir. I think we'll be fine.

78. It was inspected four months ago.

79. By Walter Beverly, the clown prince

80. of the Department of Buildings.

81. You've made it so much worse. Help!

82. Help!

83. Yeah, they're trapped in there.

84. Oh, no, that means we have to call

85. the fire department.

86. Or, hear me out, we leave them in there forever,

87. and move on emotionally.

88. No. Call the fire department.

89. All right, as the highest ranking officer

90. not trapped in a box, I'll take charge.

91. Uh, shouldn't you be taking it easy?

92. Your shift's over. You're on maternity leave.

93. As the baby's Chee-Chee... Charles, I'm fine,

94. and this is an emergency.

95. Subways aren't running,

96. and we're gonna have a lot of people on the street.

97. So I'm gonna call Mounted Division

98. to help with crowd control.

99. But that's Sergeant Peanut Butter's unit.

100. No one wants to work with that condescending dick.

101. Okay, first of all, he's a horse,

102. so he can't be condescending.

103. Oh, he's got you people fooled.

104. Secondly...

105. He's a lieutenant now. What? How?

106. Charles, get it together. I want you and Jake

107. to go to the Gowanus power substation.

108. That's where the transformer exploded.

109. Work with ESU, get us a timetable

110. for the power being restored, and hurry!

111. Wow, look at my pregnant wife taking charge.

112. I don't know whether to be proud or turned on.

113. I said hurry. Oh, my God, it's both.

114. Hey, what happened?

115. Someone lost control of their car,

116. jumped the curb, went through the fence,

117. and rammed into the transformer.

118. Guy must have been drunk. There was an empty

119. bottle of vodka on the floor of the car.

120. Okay, Charles, I see two possibilities.

121. One, he was vaporized into a being

122. of pure electricity, becoming a supervillain

123. known only as "The Surge Freak."

124. Seems unlikely. Yeah, I know, Officer Rick,

125. that's why I said there were two possibilities.

126. He probably just hobbled off so he wouldn't get a DUI.

127. Here, we'll follow this very obvious trail of blood.

128. Happy now?

129. Stupid Officer Rick and his stupid

130. joyless approach to life. Come on.

131. I can't see anything. Me neither.

132. We'll just have to rely on our other senses.

133. I call smell.

134. Okay, really jumped on that one.

135. I wasn't gonna fight you for smell.

136. I figured we'd just listen for sounds.

137. Pfft, good luck with that.

138. Hmm.

139. Yeah.

140. Mmm-hmm.

141. Okay. How's it going over there? You hearing anything?

142. Yeah, I'm hearing you and your creepy sniffs.

143. Really? Well, I'm smelling a lot of jealousy

144. coming from your direction.

145. Sound to the left. Smell to the left.

146. NYPD, hands up!

147. Oh, yeah, we got him.

148. Charles.

149. Aw, this ice cream is melting.

150. Who cares? We can drink melted ice cream.

151. We can't eat spoiled ham.

152. We have to prioritize!

153. What if we combine them?

154. Wrap the ice cream in the ham like a taquito.

155. This man. This man is my best friend.

156. You two are the worst people to have around in an emergency.

157. I literally can't imagine a scenario where you'd be helpful.

158. Murder at a Cinnabon. Who would you call?

159. Someone who wouldn't be distracted by the frosting.

160. Yeah, I do love that frosting.

161. Hey Diaz, heard you guys needed help

162. from some real heroes. Please.

163. Firefighters are basically just EMTs

164. who all live together and sleep in bunk beds.

165. Correction. It's a professional, multi-tiered,

166. shared sleeping set-up.

167. You're describing bunk beds.

168. Just get the people out of the elevator.

169. We should have all ambulances on call.

170. I want an open line of communication with DOT,

171. and I want someone from the DA down here

172. so we don't get cases thrown out.

173. I need a pair of sweatpants, and check again

174. on that status update from ESU.

175. All right, go, go, go!

176. What do you need the sweatpants for?

177. My water just broke, which reminds me,

178. we should be prepared to distribute emergency water and food.

179. Your water just broke?

180. You need to go to a hospital right now.

181. I don't want a birth happening around me. It's way too gross.

182. I'm nowhere near giving birth.

183. I haven't even lost my mucus plug.

184. Amy, you need to get the out of here.

185. I'm sorry my baby grosses you out, Rosa.

186. I'm excited to meet your baby when it's clean

187. and wearing clothes, and not blasting out of you

188. like some half-Cuban Jimmy Neutron.

189. I'm just at the start of my labor.

190. I haven't even had my first contrac...

191. tion. Was that a contraction?

192. No.

193. That was just a crazy yawn.

194. Fine, look... I don't have to go

195. to the hospital until my contractions

196. are three minutes apart and last

197. for at least 45 seconds.

198. Yeah, but don't you need to go home and pack some stuff?

199. I'll be fine.

200. Scully, you have a hospital go-bag at your desk, right?

201. Yep, what do you need? One-day, three-day, coma kit?

202. I rest my case.

203. Peralta, you there? Yeah, what's up?

204. You gotta get back here right now. Amy's water broke.

205. What? What?

206. When? When?

207. Did she lose her mucus plug? Did she lose her mucus plug?

208. I can't believe you're making me say this,

209. but she thinks she lost her mucus plug yesterday,

210. but mistook it for normal discharge.

211. How thick was it? Was it clear or milky?

212. Was it bloody? Was it "the bloody show"?

213. Jake, I think it's very cool

214. that you've learned this, very progressive.

215. Charles, I think you know you crossed a line.

216. Just get back here, now!

217. Copy. This is it.

218. My purpose is clear.

219. I was put on this Earth

220. to get you back in time

221. to see your baby's birth.

222. I mean, you're a grown man with your own hopes and dreams.

223. My purpose is clear.

224. Okay. Excuse me,

225. my apartment is on the seventh floor,

226. and the elevator isn't working.

227. I'm getting cold.

228. Well, we're headed back to our precinct.

229. There's emergency power if you want to wait there

230. for the lights to come back on.

231. I'll get in back.

232. I'm Dorothy, but my friends call me Dotty.

233. Although these days, there are fewer and fewer of them.

234. Charles? Uh, this is great, Dotty,

235. but we're kind of in a hurry.

236. My wife just went into labor and I want to get there

237. in time for the birth.

238. Why? The only man in the room should be the doctor.

239. Okay. All the dad needs to do

240. is to make the money and have a nice, thick belt

241. for when it's time to teach him a lesson.

242. My dad hit me with a belt.

243. Soon as I got big enough,

244. I shot him.

245. Wow, what a fun group for this,

246. the most important day of my life.

247. Don't worry, fire department's on the job.

248. Hear that, Jeffords? We're gonna die in here.

249. We're marked for death!

250. Okay, calm down, I have an idea.

251. When my parents would fight and my dad got scary,

252. I would take my little brother upstairs

253. and to distract him,

254. I'd teach him dance moves.

255. What kind of dance moves?

256. Mostly '80s hip-hop.

257. He loved Salt-N-Pepa.

258. No, I won't be doing that.

259. Salt and pepper, you say?

260. Ugh, we haven't moved. Why is there so much traffic?

261. Stupid Uber. New York used to be a paradise of open road.

262. Try the siren again.

263. In my day, people respected police.

264. They respect us, they just have nowhere to go.

265. God knows they won't go back to their own country.

266. Dotty, I really wish you weren't such a big part

267. of my son's birth story. We should walk.

268. It's only 27 blocks, it's gotta be faster than this.

269. I mean, it's a little bit faster.

270. Is it? Hey, Dotty, just weighing our options here.

271. Have you ever been worn like a backpack?

272. Okay, look, you take the perp back to the precinct.

273. I'll stay here with her. Are you sure?

274. Just remember to tell your son

275. what Chee-Chee did here tonight.

276. How you feeling about Chee-Chee

277. having said it out loud a few times?

278. I am loving it!

279. Help, I need help!

280. Jake, we don't have time. We'll call it in.

281. Let someone else handle it.

282. No, we can't ignore a cry for help.

283. We can handcuff him to the railing.

284. Dotty, call out if you need anything.

285. I'd feel safer if you just shot him.

286. Dotty, no.

287. We're not gonna shoot him!

288. Hey, what's the update from OEM

289. about the power coming back on?

290. Yeah, they're working on it. So, listen,

291. I've been timing your contractions.

292. What? How?

293. I've been hiding them so well.

294. No, you have not.

295. There's too much radio chatter.

296. Let's try to keep non-emergency communications

297. down to a...

298. minimum.

299. They're happening every five minutes

300. and they're lasting 20 seconds. Your baby's coming.

301. It's still not active labor.

302. Don't worry! I'm not gonna have the baby

303. here and get placenta all over your desk

304. or whatever it is that you're afraid of.

305. Wait, is placenta something that can get all over? Actually, technically...

306. You know what, don't answer that. I don't wanna know.

307. I promise I will go to the hospital as soon as...

308. Amy, just make the noise. You're not fooling anybody.

309. NYPD, you called for help?

310. Yes, my neighbor fell down the stairs.

311. I think he hit his head real bad.

312. Ah. It's a concussion, for sure.

313. All right, we'll bring him with us to the precinct.

314. Someone can help him there.

315. That'll slow us down. Yeah, but we should

316. still make it as long as nothing else goes wrong.

317. Oh, fun. Loud gunshots.

318. What happened? She shot me!

319. She shot me in the leg.

320. You made a sudden motion. I sneezed!

321. Okay, Dotty, what do you have a gun for?

322. To protect myself.

323. Cops are all wimps now.

324. My wife is having a baby

325. and I have to be there to brush her hair.

326. I wasn't gonna brush her hair.

327. You weren't?

328. All right, look, Dotty, you're under arrest.

329. Jake, we gotta go. I can't walk on this leg.

330. Great, then we're stuck here.

331. We're never gonna make it back to the precinct.

332. Yeah we are. I have an idea.

333. Pedal Pub coming through! I'm on my way, Amy!

334. Thanks for letting us hijack your bachelorette party.

335. Oh, it's what we do.

336. We're, like, so random.

337. Yeah, in Red Bank, where we're from,

338. everyone's like, "Uh-oh, here comes trouble."

339. Wait, we have to stop.

340. No, no, no. No stopping. Why are we stopping?

341. I lost both my shoes back there.

342. I gotta go find them.

343. Update.

344. I still have one shoe on,

345. but I think I broke my ankle.

346. But I'm gonna still try to find the other one.

347. Guys, this is taking way too long.

348. When she gets back, we have to pedal faster.

349. Sorry, I have a gunshot wound in my leg.

350. It didn't even hit bone, you sissy.

351. Oh, if you're in pain, here have some of this.

352. It's bubblegum flavored gin.

353. I can't. I'm two years sober.

354. What? No you're not. You got drunk

355. and crashed into the power plant.

356. Yeah, that was a relapse. I fell off the wagon.

357. Okay, so you're clearly lying, which means

358. you planted the bottle of vodka.

359. Which means the crash wasn't an accident.

360. And you caused the blackout on purpose, why?

361. I don't know what you're talking about.

362. I just drank too much and that was...

363. She's fingering my wound!

364. Tell us what you're up to.

365. The banks! We're hitting all the banks on Union.

366. Dotty, stop. Please let go.

367. Dotty, that's against the law.

368. I am the law.

369. What made you like this?

370. All right, Charles. We gotta stop them.

371. We can't. That's in the wrong direction.

372. That's away from Amy. But it's near the hospital.

373. We can pedal down there, stop the robberies,

374. and then I'll meet her at First Presbyterian.

375. That's perfect. Okay,

376. so I didn't find my other shoe, but I did meet Luis.

377. He told me he's Aquaman.

378. Bit of a stretch, but welcome to the team, Luis!

379. Let's do it!

380. Okay, your contractions are three minutes apart.

381. It's officially time to go to the hospital.

382. Not yet.

383. Do you know how thin your cervix is right now?

384. Yeah, I'm worried, so I started reading the book

385. I found on Jake's desk.

386. I do not want to be around

387. when page 53 happens!

388. Hank wants to know if we can cut emergency

389. power to the third floor.

390. Let me talk to him.

391. Hey! If you page 53 in front me,

392. our relationship will never be the same.

393. Make sure you don't look at page 214.

394. What? Why?

395. Mosey forward, name in lights, butt pop.

396. Comb your hair.

397. Now typing motion, pull it back.

398. Jump forward, pelvic pump.

399. You got it!

400. Now, all we need to do is run it all together

401. and do it at full speed.

402. I must say, Jeffords,

403. this dancing is quite distracting.

404. I've completely forgotten that we're trapped here

405. in this death box

406. inspected by Bozo Beverly between clown shows.

407. You know what, sir? I don't think

408. you are thrusting your butt enough

409. before the name in lights.

410. Yes, yes. I felt that.

411. God, I love that note.

412. Back to the top.

413. I'll count us in. Five, six, seven, eight.

414. NYPD, hands in the air!

415. You're under arrest. We'll read you your rights

416. on the Pedal Pub. Charles?

417. Come on, put on the zip-ties. Move, move, move!

418. Hey, what's taking so long?

419. Look, I can do it safely or I can do it quickly.

420. Do it quickly. Oh, I can't do it quickly.

421. You called my bluff.

422. Oh, the lights are on.

423. Spank that bottom Spank that bo...

424. We will never speak of this again.

425. Status update. I called in every officer I could.

426. I green-lit double shifts and overtime.

427. We're coordinating with the 9-6 on traffic control.

428. We haven't processed anyone,

429. so there's a backlog of perps on the third floor,

430. and I have to go to the hospital because my water broke.

431. You're having a baby? Amy, this is so wond...

432. We can just catch up after the baby comes.

433. Wait, wait, wait, stop! The power's back.

434. Oh, yuck, none of you are cute with the lights fully on.

435. You wanna play mean girl, Kayla?

436. Two can play at that game.

437. Let's talk about your bangs.

438. Charles, not now, I'm calling Amy.

439. Jake? Hey, Ames,

440. look, I'm so sorry we're not there yet,

441. but a guy fell down the stairs,

442. and then the old lady shot our perp

443. and then we stopped a bank robbery...

444. And I lost my shoe. And Kayla lost her shoe,

445. but we're almost to the hospital.

446. Are you there yet? What room are you in?

447. The break room.

448. What? Why?

449. There isn't enough time. I have to have the baby here.

450. But me and my crazy crew make it to the hospital.

451. That's our birth story!

452. Screw your birth story, just get here!

453. You're giving birth at the precinct?

454. Is that safe? It's gonna be okay.

455. There's a bunch of firefighters here.

456. Right, and they're basically just glorified EMTs

457. that live together and sleep in bunk beds.

458. Jake, she's gonna be okay.

459. I just don't think she can talk right now.

460. Okay, just tell her that I love her

461. and that I'll get there as fast as I can.

462. Hey, Amy, can we have a second?

463. No, I'm kind of in the middle of something, you...

464. Oh yeah? Well, yourself!

465. All right, all right. Just come.

466. We have something to show you.

467. You made me a birthing suite?

468. We've been napping at work for 20 years.

469. We know how to create a relaxing space in a police station.

470. Gurney. Fire blankets.

471. Night stick for back massage.

472. Soothing lighting. AKA Scully's fart candles.

473. I'm sorry I said you were worthless in an emergency.

474. You two really came through.

475. It's just nice to have a win

476. after what we went through today.

477. So many deviled eggs were lost, and for what?

478. Hey, hey, you can't focus on that.

479. There were hundreds of meatballs that were eaten

480. because of you! I could've eaten more.

481. Just one more! Guys?

482. Not now, Amy.

483. How am I going to get back to the precinct?

484. This thing is way too slow.

485. Not if we all band together and pedal like hell.

486. That's not gonna happen, Charles.

487. Dotty's asleep, Kayla's flirting with Luis,

488. and Briana's peeing in a trash can.

489. That's illegal, Briana.

490. Oh, you know you love it.

491. I'm gonna miss the birth of my son.

492. No, you're not.

493. Look, I didn't want to have to do this,

494. but there is someone I can call.

495. Who?

496. Hello, Peanut Butter.

497. I know we don't see eye-to-eye.

498. But we gotta put that behind us because my friend here...

499. Charles, the horse was a great idea but we don't have time

500. for you to have a heart-to-heart with it.

501. Sorry, I'm just very emotional, Jake.

502. Take care of my friend, you four-legged bastard!

503. You know, now that I'm up here,

504. I realize I don't know how to ride a horse.

505. It's probably pretty self-explanatory, right?

506. Hyah! Oh, no!

507. Move! Everyone move, I don't know how to ride a horse!

508. Okay, Amy. I know you're in a lot of pain,

509. but we don't have any meds here.

510. You just gotta try not to focus on it.

511. Can you distract her? I got this.

512. Hey, Amy, they come out with any new binders recently?

513. I don't want to talk about binders, Rosa.

514. All right, that was my big gun. She's just gonna feel this.

515. Not necessarily.

516. I was just checking to see if there was anything we could do to help.

517. And I hate to say it, but I think there is.

518. Oh, you think he's gonna get me drugs from evidence?

519. Uh, no.

520. Something way weirder is happening.

521. Hit it, Jeffords.

522. Ah, push it

523. Ah, push it

524. Get up on this Ah, push it

525. I am definitely distracted.

526. Oh, baby

527. Salt and Pepa's here

528. Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

529. I can see the head. Rosa, get over here.

530. I'm gonna need a second set of hands.

531. No, no, no, she really doesn't wanna be down at that end.

532. No, it's okay. I got this.

533. I can close my eyes, right?

534. Keep them open. Oh, damn it.

535. Just keep pushing, you're almost there.

536. Oh, but Jake's not here yet.

537. Yes, I am! I'm here.

538. Oh, Jake. I can't believe I made it.

539. I'm gonna see the birth of my...

540. We're on page 53!

541. Babe, we're on page 53. I know!

542. I rode a horse.

543. Well, we did it, Ames.

544. We made the world's hottest baby.

545. Say cute, Jake.

546. Nope. This kid is liquid fire.

547. Crazy to think that in just 17 short years

548. he's gonna be 6'7"

549. and the number one draft pick for the Knicks.

550. Mmm, and that he's gonna pass up that opportunity

551. to pursue his true passion,

552. library sciences.

553. Well the important thing is,

554. we'll support him no matter what. Hmm.

555. Even if he's a huge, huge, nerd.

556. Especially then.

557. Are we gonna be okay at this?

558. I mean, this entire day felt like a warning from the universe.

559. I almost missed the birth, we had our baby at the precinct,

560. a firefighter touched our child.

561. You washed him off. Yeah, but I'll always know.

562. Babe, we talked about this.

563. Everyone balances work and kids.

564. Yeah, but everyone's not a cop.

565. True, but...

566. When our son wants to hear about the day he was born,

567. we get to tell him that his dad

568. helped a bunch of people

569. and foiled a bank robbery.

570. Guess that is kind of cool.

571. And his mom managed a city-wide emergency

572. while actually giving birth.

573. I'm proud for our son to have you as a dad.

574. Me too.

575. For you to be the mom.

576. I wasn't just agreeing with the nice thing you said about me.

577. I love you.

578. Love you too.

579. Oh, my God, he's beautiful.

580. Oh, Jake, he's got your face.

581. Charles, meet Mac.

582. Short for McClane.

583. As in Shirley? I love it.

584. No, as in John, from Die Hard.

585. I mean, they're both incredibly cool.

586. Only one Oscar winner.

587. Thanks for getting Jake there in time.

588. Oh, don't thank me.

589. The real hero is Lieutenant Peanut Butter.

590. No, it was all you, Charles.

591. Or should I say...

592. Uncle Charles. Chee-Chee.

593. Don't ruin this moment for yourself.

594. Uncle Charles it is.

595. How's he doing? He's perfect.

596. I see you changed. Oh, yeah.

597. That other outfit had a lot of afterbirth on it.

598. Also during-birth and pre-birth.

599. The point is I burned it.

600. Thanks for staying by my side.

601. I know it wasn't easy for you.

602. It was worth it. I'm Auntie Ro-Ro.

603. She gets to be Ro-Ro? Incredible.

604. I've thrown seven years away for this.

605. Captain, Lieutenant,

606. the dance was great,

607. and it really helped, thank you.

608. Dance? What dance?

609. She doesn't know what she's talking about.

610. Mommy brain much?

611. Captain Holt and I did a hip-hop dance routine.

612. Oh.

613. I see. You know what?

614. I don't even care that I missed it,

615. because right now, I am holding my son,

616. and there's nothing more important

617. in the world than that.

618. I have a video, if you wanna see it.

619. Amy, hold this baby. Rosa, give me that phone.

620. Give me that phone. Everyone, wash your hands.