Brooklyn Nine-Nine 6x17

1. Guys! I have a great idea for a prank.

2. Before Holt comes in,

3. I'm gonna put ink on the podium where he puts his hands.

4. I don't think he'll fall for that.

5. I did. How? I haven't even opened this yet.

6. I guess it's unrelated. Captain Holt hates pranks.

7. This is gonna backfire, man.

8. Ugh, fine, I'll tone it down. I'll...

9. move his podium a foot to the left. What?

10. He'll be so angry. Okay.

11. Five inches. Five?

12. Three? Three?

13. One? One?

14. All right. I'll move it a half-inch. Fine. It's your funeral.

15. Oh, my God.

16. Worst prank ever. So stupid.

17. Holt's not even going to notice.

18. Good morning.

19. You guys, the podium, it's...

20. You're crazy! How did you pull this off?

21. Yes, Kevin, they moved it a full half-inch.

22. I'll tell you the entire story tonight.

23. I love you, as well. Goodbye.

24. Oh, that was a fun several moments.

25. So, there's been a series of homicides. Three victims, all young men,

26. each murdered in their own fashion.

27. A serial killer? How'd they do it?

28. Strangled? Mangled? Hung, I.e. dangled?

29. Their bodies were disfigured.

30. I.e. "mangled." Continue. Our killer

31. cut the victims open and ripped out their hearts.

32. Now, before I assign this case...

33. Five dollars! What?

34. I'm bidding for it. I want this so badly.

35. That's not how we... $20. Just to make this interesting.

36. $100 for Jake to have it! I was going to assign

37. the case to you and Peralta, but perhaps I should give it to Diaz instead.

38. Two hundred.

39. It's not about the money, Boyle.

40. Commissioner Kelly is breathing down my neck.

41. I need this case handled professionally and maturely.

42. Name one time I haven't acted professionally.

43. You're holding a juice box. It stops me from spilling my juice!

44. Look, we can handle this, sir.

45. Do we joke around sometimes?

46. Yes, but when it's time to buckle down,

47. we're seasoned professionals.

48. That's why they call us the Spice Boys.

49. They don't and they won't.

50. Sir, I swear, give us a chance.

51. We can get this guy.

52. Fine.

53. Case goes to the Spice Boys.

54. Please don't call us that.

55. Too late. Spice Boy train has left the station.

56. Hey, hey, check it out.

57. It's my lieutenant start paperwork!

58. It's gonna be so weird not calling you Sarge anymore.

59. Maybe I'll go by Lieut.

60. "Morning, Lieut!" Lieut over here. "Let's invite Lieut!"

61. What do you think?

62. I bet you're excited about the raise that comes with your promotion.

63. Well, Terry doesn't like to talk about money,

64. but cha-ching!

65. Now I can pay for Showtime. Find out who or what SMILF is.

66. You know, some people say, "Mo money, mo problems,"

67. but those people are idiots. Money's amazing.

68. Wait, what?

69. This says there's not enough money

70. in the Nine-Nine's budget for my raise.

71. What does that mean? They're going to transfer me!

72. Now, I know what you're thinking.

73. Where'd 'em guts go?

74. Uh, yeah. This guy needs a dentist,

75. because he's got a big ol' cavity.

76. I love that. I'm stealing it.

77. You cannot steal what is a gift.

78. Thank you.

79. Okay, so whoever did this,

80. they weren't careful with the organs.

81. They just sorta grabbed whatever and yanked.

82. "Title of your sex tape."

83. Oh, that's just something we say back at the Nine-Nine.

84. Interesting, 'cause around here, sex tape is what we call the adhesive

85. you use to reattach a severed penis.

86. Oh. I'll have to pick some of that up. Why?

87. Anyway, most of the killer's incisions are very sloppy

88. but once he gets to the heart, they become very careful.

89. I mean, look at the vena cava. That's a clean cut.

90. Game recognize game.

91. Hmm. I like your style, Dr. Cox.

92. Gentlemen! The Commissioner would like a status update

93. on the case. Oh, come on, Ray.

94. You make it sound like I'm puttin' the screws to ya.

95. No, I just popped in to say if you don't solve

96. these murders immediately, there's gonna be some serious consequences.

97. I'm just messin' with ya!

98. Listen. You know what would help you catch this guy?

99. I just launched a new app, HotClues.

100. Are you familiar with it?

101. The one that allows civilians

102. to submit anonymous tips directly to the NYPD?

103. Yes, I'm familiar with HotClues.

104. Great! You know, it's actually

105. helped us solve 17 cases, so I think we should ask for

106. the public's help with this one.

107. No, study after study has shown that soliciting

108. anonymous tips results in false leads and wrongful convictions.

109. Mmm. Tell me how you really feel. I did.

110. And I loved it! Such passion!

111. But I think HotClues could help us here.

112. No, we will solve this case the proper way with actual police work

113. conducted by the two best detectives in the NYPD.

114. Captain. Well.

115. I certainly hope your methods work, for the sake of your careers.

116. Bye now.

117. Phew. Now that guy's gonna need some sex tape.

118. 'Cause someone's gonna cut his penis off.

119. We are vibing!

120. So, I found out where they're transferring me.

121. And, you know,

122. I'm feeling pretty good about it.

123. Oh. Somewhere nice? Upper West Side?

124. No, even better.

125. Staten Island!

126. Good one, Lieut.

127. Where you really going?

128. Oh, I'm serious. Staten.

129. Wait, they're transferring you out of New York?

130. It's part of the city.

131. Is it, though? Hey, Staten Island is great.

132. It's got parks, loads of bike paths,

133. tons of up-and-coming restaurants.

134. I mean, easy access to New Jersey.

135. You're lying. Your right pec

136. is popping all over the place. We all know that's your tell.

137. Of course, I'm lying!

138. It's Staten Island! The precinct is the One-Two-Two.

139. How the hell am I supposed to chant One-Two-Two?

140. One-Two-Two! One-Two-Two!

141. I sound like a damn choo-choo train!

142. Detectives, how's the case? Any breakthroughs?

143. Ah, we're still in the early stages.

144. Do you have a suspect or DNA evidence?

145. Oh, my God. I wish.

146. We need to solve this so we can prove to that idiot,

147. John Kelly, how inane and useless his little app is.

148. Oh, dip. I see what's going on. Holt is feeling petty.

149. I'm not being petty.

150. I assure you my feelings

151. about John Kelly are professional. Are they?

152. Because every time his name is brought up in our group text thread,

153. you send back a super catty GIF of some lady

154. from The Durrells in Corfu rolling her eyes.

155. That's Louisa Durrell, exasperated by the pace of life on Corfu.

156. Wait, the group text thread is back? No.

157. We misspoke. Yeah.

158. Look, if you can't solve this case, I'll reassign it to someone who can.

159. Wait, no, no, no, no. I have an idea.

160. We need to get into the mind of a sicko.

161. And the only way to do that

162. is with the help of another sicko.

163. Jake! It's so good to see you.

164. Come give me a hug, I'm not going to eat you!

165. Also, don't hug me, 'cause I will try to eat you.

166. This is such a surprise.

167. I haven't seen you since I transferred here.

168. How's Amy? She's great.

169. We're married, and she's a sergeant now.

170. Wow! Yeah.

171. How's everything here? Same old same old.

172. Guess who's here? Herman.

173. Herman! Always playing Yahtzee,

174. knew everybody's name.

175. Worshipped Satan. Did he?

176. He never mentioned that.

177. He wouldn't shut up about it.

178. It is exhausting. Well, I'm Charles.

179. I'm Jake's best friend.

180. Charles, he's serving three life sentences. No need to flex.

181. So, Caleb, we're tracking a serial killer and I was thinking

182. you could help us get inside his head.

183. Just because I ate humans doesn't mean that I'm inhuman, Jake.

184. Caleb. That's not what I meant. I'm just kidding.

185. I'm probably friends with the guy online.

186. What's his deal? Well, he's been murdering young men

187. and cutting out their hearts. Ew.

188. What? I would never eat a heart.

189. I stick to the normal stuff. Butts and thighs.

190. One time, I ate a foot, but it was nasty.

191. Yeah, I could see that. You know what?

192. There was some weird guy on the forum recently.

193. The forum? Yeah, it's a chat room

194. for people who like to talk about eating human beings

195. but definitely won't act on it. Wink.

196. Yeah, it's hosted on...

197. Reddit. Obviously.

198. Anyways, he showed up out of nowhere asking questions

199. about cutting out hearts. Really?

200. Do you know anything else about him?

201. I'd never seen him on there before, but you can check the logs.

202. I'll approve you. I'm an admin.

203. Oh, you might want to switch to incognito mode.

204. Otherwise, your targeted ads will be pretty cannibal-specific.

205. Ha. Good to know.

206. It was good to see you, Caleb.

207. Send me that info.

208. Terry, you okay? You skipped all your lunches.

209. I'm going through the budget to see if there's any way

210. we could save enough money for me to stay here.

211. You find anything yet? Yeah.

212. We could switch to generic printer ink, cut down on custodial services,

213. and stop buying office birthday cakes.

214. Over my dead body! It's just an idea.

215. Take it off the table! Damn, Scully, fine.

216. We can stop paying for an exterminator.

217. It's pointless. We all have guns.

218. Who am I kidding?

219. We'll never save enough

220. to keep me at the Nine-Nine. You're right.

221. The only way to free up that money

222. is if you fire someone. What?

223. I can't fire someone without cause.

224. Oh, come on.

225. We all know there's dead weight around here.

226. Sloppy paperwork, penmanship fails,

227. phone etiquette that makes me want to barf.

228. Let's axe a dud.

229. Damn, Amy.

230. I am loving this shade on you.

231. But Lieut's right. We can't just fire somebody.

232. That said, you could inspire somebody to quit.

233. For example, Broadway Brian.

234. Yes, Broadway Brian, of course!

235. Who the hell is Broadway Brian?

236. Brian in records.

237. He's always talking about what a great singer he is

238. and how his dream is to be in musicals.

239. You just need to convince him to go for his dream.

240. Oh, I don't know.

241. That feels underhanded.

242. It's never underhanded to help somebody follow their dream.

243. I was watching Ellen,

244. and she had this woman on who wanted to be a chef,

245. but she didn't have any taste buds, so she quit her job,

246. hired her best friend to be her taste tester.

247. And now they have the best taco truck in Lansing.

248. It was inspirational as.

249. Yeah. I'd just be helping him follow his dream.

250. I'd be doing him a favor!

251. I'm going to inspire Brian's ass right out of this office.

252. For him, not me. Dreams, and whatnot, you know.

253. Detectives, Commissioner Kelly is back.

254. And he found his way here on his own without any tips from the public.

255. How impressive is that?

256. Well, thank you, Raymond.

257. I just happened to be in the neighborhood.

258. Thought I'd check on your progress.

259. Um, we have a solid lead. Suspicious online behavior

260. from someone using the name Jamburger77.

261. There's only one person in the tri-state area with that surname.

262. Eileen Jamburger. One hundred and one years old

263. and immediately racist on the phone. She is not a suspect at this time.

264. But the user did make one non-cannibal post.

265. A negative review of the headroom in a 2006 Saturn Ion.

266. Real creep car. So, we pulled records on every 2006 Ion in the city

267. and we're following up on them now.

268. Well, I'll be. That's some nice police work, Peralta.

269. And Charles. I like how you found evidence,

270. followed up on it, and it's lead you closer to a solve.

271. No, I agree, Peralta. Excellent work.

272. You must've hated saying that.

273. No, I didn't. I like giving compliments.

274. You have a nice deep voice. It is very commanding.

275. Cut the crap, John. You're furious.

276. And everyone can tell.

277. See?

278. Very commanding.

279. So, I know Raymond has some issues with HotClues,

280. but we did put the call out on the app and got a very promising tip.

281. Look, we're not going against our captain.

282. So, this guy

283. says he saw someone covered in blood getting out of a Saturn Ion.

284. But you don't need that tip

285. because you are among the best detectives in the NYPD!

286. You're right, we don't need that tip.

287. But, seriously, send us that tip. We need it.

288. Hey, Brian. What are you up to?

289. Typing in numbers into a computer.

290. Like I always do, endlessly for 40 to 60 hours a week.

291. Well, when you love what you do,

292. you don't work a day in your life!

293. Hmm. Unless, do you not love sad data entry?

294. Well, my passion is performing.

295. I do musical theater.

296. It's the hardest form of acting. I agree!

297. I am always saying, if you're not singing, you're not acting.

298. Right.

299. It's probably hard to audition

300. because you're always here, right?

301. Yes. I had to pass up a chance

302. to read for Seussical.

303. You know, Brian, this makes me think of something I saw on Ellen.

304. There was this lady, she wanted to be a cook,

305. but her tongue was all messed up,

306. and she had this friend who didn't even have a tongue...

307. I mean, she did.

308. And now they own a taco truck in Lansing.

309. Huh?

310. Follow your dreams, man! You gotta follow your dreams.

311. Find your taco truck!

312. Wow!

313. Thank you.

314. That gives me a lot to think about.

315. So, what did you come down here for? Oh, um, I had to...

316. Borrow the water cooler.

317. All right. Thanks, Brian.

318. Think about what I said.

319. So, the tipster saw the Saturn parked out back,

320. and the woman at the desk said

321. it belongs to the man in room 203.

322. One Larry Bird.

323. Obvious fake name.

324. Or is it so insane that there's no way it's fake?

325. If you're trying not to draw attention,

326. why not go with something like John Smith?

327. From Pocahontas? Uh, yeah. Way to fly under the radar.

328. Excuse me, is there ice yet?

329. Oh, I'm sorry. I don't work here. I'm a police officer.

330. Well, then I'd like to lodge a formal complaint.

331. There hasn't been ice here for days,

332. and everyone knows my wine coolers are supposed to be served chilled.

333. You're an adult. Why are you drinking wine coolers?

334. Because I'm on vacation. Okay. Well, I'll mention the ice.

335. Thanks. Pig.

336. Okay.

337. Oh, it's Holt. I didn't tell him what we were doing.

338. I'll act natural. You're not gonna be on the phone call.

339. Just do nothing. Hey, Captain.

340. What delicious water I'm drinking.

341. Sorry that we didn't check in before we left.

342. We're just down at the DMV

343. following up on those Saturn owners.

344. Lies.

345. Captain, how'd you know we were here? I followed you!

346. John Kelly gave you a HotClue, didn't he?

347. How dare you disobey me?

348. Come on, sir, it was a good tip,

349. and we're trying to catch a serial killer.

350. Well, then, let's see this tip,

351. this groundbreaking tip

352. that threatens to blow the case wide open.

353. Okay, I know this tone. Here comes petty Holt.

354. Naw, bitch. I'm not being petty.

355. You just said, "naw, bitch."

356. Show me the tip. Title of your sex tape.

357. I was behind the Royal Motor Inn.

358. I saw a guy get out of a blue Saturn Ion

359. and he was covered in blood. Anyway, Baba Booey!

360. "Baba Booey." Is that a clue?

361. Uh, I don't know what Baba Booey means, actually.

362. It's a popular prank phrase from Howard Stern.

363. Charles.

364. Oh, from a shock jock. Well, that changes everything.

365. Now, we have a credible break in the case.

366. Baba Booey!

367. NYPD, open up!

368. Uh... Just a minute.

369. Ooh, I bet he's frantically packing up his collection of hearts.

370. Goin' in. Get back.

371. There's blood everywhere! He went out the window.

372. I'll go around back.

373. Fine, Kelly found the murderer's kill room.

374. Whoop-de-doo. Should we throw him a parade?

375. Yeah! Maybe!

376. Patrols have searched a five-block radius. No sign of the perp.

377. And there were no prints. He was wearing gloves.

378. Like the inimitable Audrey Hepburn. Nope.

379. Gentlemen, there's something I need to say.

380. I gave you such a hard time

381. about using Commissioner Kelly's app

382. because I was being petty.

383. I wanted him to fail

384. and I took it out on you, and for that, I am very...

385. Oh. You kind of trailed off there, sir.

386. Were you going to finish your sentence?

387. It felt like you were going to say you were sorry.

388. I did. Boyle heard it.

389. I would remember if someone said my catch phrase.

390. Fine, I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.

391. Apology accepted.

392. I am so proud of you. Peralta.

393. You're right. I'll rub it in later.

394. What matters now is solving this case.

395. Now, our murderer may have gotten away,

396. but we did find his kill room.

397. Maybe there's something in here that we're not seeing yet.

398. Perhaps we should pay your cannibal friend another visit.

399. I wouldn't say they're friends so much as ex-cellmates.

400. No, it's true. We're friends.

401. He ate kids. Well, people are complicated.

402. Now, I'll tell you one thing.

403. You are not looking for a cannibal.

404. Why do you say that? With all that blood?

405. No self-respecting cannibal would waste all that sauce.

406. See, Charles? He's a foodie, like you.

407. Who are you? Can I see that picture again?

408. Oh, man, those are some nice tools.

409. I would love to spread some ribs

410. using that sternum retractor,

411. but they only sell those to hospitals.

412. Wait a minute. What did you just say?

413. I said I'd love to get my little fingies in some chesties.

414. No, no, no. Not the super gross part.

415. Surgery-grade tools, precise incisions around the heart,

416. and there was no ice at the motel.

417. Because the perp was using it for the hearts.

418. We're not looking for a serial killer.

419. He stole the hearts for a transplant.

420. Boom! We solved it.

421. Boyle, give me a hug. Yeah. Okay.

422. No!

423. Hey, I did it. I talked to Brian

424. and encouraged him to pursue his dreams. Really?

425. Is he gonna quit? I don't know.

426. That was the first step.

427. But I figure if I talk to him twice a day

428. for the next few weeks...

429. Attention, everyone! Today will be my final day at the Nine-Nine.

430. Damn, Lieut. That was fast.

431. I will be taking my talents to Broadway,

432. and I owe it all to Lieutenant Terry Jeffords.

433. All I did was believe in you. And it changed everything.

434. So, Lieutenant, this one's for you.

435. Ooh.

436. Another opening another show

437. From Philly Boston to Baltimore

438. Amy, you said he could sing.

439. I didn't say he could sing. He said he could sing.

440. Dance break!

441. What have I done?

442. Bye, Jake.

443. Here it is. The federal heart transplant waiting list.

444. Check out who's all the way down at 2,319.

445. Angelo Rinaldi, who runs the Rinaldi crime family.

446. Well, then, let's pay him a visit.

447. NYPD! Hands where we can see them!

448. There's a heart in the cooler. Sorry, Rinaldi,

449. the only transplant happening today is your ass to jail.

450. He is definitely unconscious and didn't hear any of that.

451. But I'm still pumped. Case closed. Let's go!

452. So, Rinaldi had his triggerman stealing hearts, so he could have a transplant.

453. That is fun. Good job, Ray.

454. Thank you, Commissioner Kelly.

455. We couldn't have done it without your...

456. Sir, you're doing the trailing off thing again.

457. Help. Um, and I owe you an apology.

458. I'm sorry and I must admit,

459. you've really got something on your hands with this...

460. HotClues app.

461. Well, that is so nice of you to say.

462. But, if you like the app now,

463. wait until you see the updates we're rolling out.

464. Now you can auto-tune your tips.

465. Show 'em, Micah.

466. There's a mysterious package on the corner of 4th and Park

467. 4th and Park

468. Sounds pretty nifty.

469. Now...

470. You a Stern fan, Micah?

471. Uh, yeah. I listen every day.

472. Baba Booey!

473. Baba Booey? Baba Booey.

474. Baba Booey.

475. You're the guy from the video. You called in the tip.

476. Yeah. Uh, Micah, do me a favor.

477. Uh, give us a moment here, all right?

478. Nobody in or out.

479. Lock the doors. Thanks, bud.

480. Actually, Micah, you wanna leave that door unlocked

481. in case we want to make a quick getaway?

482. I'm gonna do what he told me to do.

483. Yeah, that makes sense. Thanks, bud.

484. What's going on, Kelly?

485. Why is your assistant submitting tips?

486. Because they already had the information.

487. The tips aren't coming from the public at all.

488. Oh, cool theory.

489. But if I already had the information,

490. why am I pouring so much money into developing this app?

491. To hide where you're getting it.

492. Because you're using illegal wiretaps or something.

493. You got me. You guys are good.

494. I just love how you ping pong off each other.

495. This is blatantly unconstitutional.

496. I'm going to the press! Yes, you should.

497. But first, do you know what a stingray is?

498. Of course, we know what a stingray is. Tenderest meat in the ocean.

499. No, stingray is a portable cell tower.

500. You drive it around the city.

501. It captures data from any cell phone within reach.

502. Like, oh, text messages, location history, voicemail...

503. Oh, my God.

504. You have a Dark Knight machine.

505. Yes, I do,

506. and the three of you are not going to say a word about it

507. because the 18 felons

508. we captured through the system, they'd go free.

509. That's unfortunate,

510. but it's better than living in a police state.

511. I'm not sitting on this. Okay.

512. But I can assure you,

513. you can't prove this program exists.

514. It's just your word against mine.

515. I'm more than fine with that. You shouldn't be.

516. Because I can prove you'd do anything to sabotage me.

517. My stingray captured your texts, too.

518. No, he has the Durrells in Corfu GIF.

519. Way worse.

520. You wrote several people,

521. "I would do anything to rid the NYPD of John Kelly. Sincerely, Raymond Holt."

522. You have got to stop signing your text messages.

523. What do I do?

524. Brian sounds terrible.

525. I can't let him quit his job.

526. He'll never get cast in anything.

527. Maybe he'll be one of those people on The Voice

528. that's so bad, they become an Internet sensation.

529. That's not what they do on The Voice, Amy,

530. that's American Idol.

531. The Voice is purely a celebration of talent.

532. If he wants to pursue his dream but it doesn't work out,

533. that's not on you. He made his choice.

534. Yeah, yeah, you're right. You know, no blood on my hands.

535. I just need to let him do his thing.

536. Terry! Hey, Brian.

537. So, what did you think of my song?

538. I loved how loud it was. Thank you.

539. I wouldn't have had the courage to do it without you.

540. Sure, I daydream about it all the time,

541. but being a single dad, I always chicken out.

542. You have a kid?

543. I have kids. Three under three.

544. Oh, fun.

545. Hey, unrelated,

546. what's your financial situation like?

547. Do you have savings to fall back on?

548. Do you come from wealth, or...

549. No, no, but...

550. That's not gonna stop my dreams

551. Sick pipes, Bri. Good luck out there. Thanks.

552. No! I can't let you do this.

553. What?

554. You're a bad singer, man.

555. I don't want to be mean,

556. but if you try to make a living at this,

557. you will die on the street.

558. Oh.

559. Thanks for telling me.

560. So that's it, then. Yup.

561. Next week is my last week at the Nine-Nine.

562. Attention, everyone!

563. I will be giving up singing.

564. This will be my final performance.

565. One pound, two ounces...

566. Not now, Brian!

567. Sir, there you are. We've been looking everywhere.

568. Kevin says he hasn't heard from you all night.

569. Yes, I've been sitting in my office wallowing in my hopelessness

570. and eating the saddest food known to mankind.

571. Ice cream.

572. Oh, my God, he's Bridget Jones-ing.

573. Okay, well, it's time to put that aside

574. and pull out whatever food you eat when you're happy.

575. Dry beans? Sure.

576. Look, we can still stop John Kelly.

577. All we need is some hard evidence. How?

578. He won't let us anywhere near him or One Police Plaza.

579. I know, which is why I've assembled a team of powerful allies in the NYPD.

580. No, that's too risky.

581. How do you know they're not loyal to John Kelly?

582. Because these people aren't loyal to anybody.

583. I made a Suicide Squad.