Brooklyn Nine-Nine 6x15

1. Confucius, Buddha, Jesus,

2. they all brought light to darkness.

3. But none of them had one million subscribers, so...

4. Your videos changed my life!

5. Changed my life!

6. You are my queen!

7. No, Italian girl.

8. We are changing the world, for we are the G-Hive.

9. And today we are celebrating our one millionth subscriber.

10. Over one million people are living their lives

11. according to the Gina-mandments.

12. They're like the Ten Commandments,

13. only there's more, and they're better.

14. I would now like to express my gratitude

15. the best way I know how, through song.

16. Gratitude

17. Grati-tat-tat-tat tatitude! Grati-tat-tat-tat-tatitude!

18. Gratitude.

19. Guys? Guess who I just got off the phone with.

20. My cousin Pam.

21. What? No. Why would you think that?

22. You always seemed kind of jealous of my relationship

23. with him, so I thought maybe

24. you called him up to settle your differences.

25. I'm definitely not jealous of Pam.

26. He owns a bird shop. I barely remember him.

27. You remember the bird shop. It wasn't Pam.

28. No, I was actually talking

29. to none other than Gina Linetti. Really?

30. No one's heard from her in months.

31. Well, she just invited us to go check out her new place.

32. I'm surprised you're so excited to see her.

33. I mean, she's been blowing you off ever since she left.

34. What? In what way?

35. She bailed on your birthday drinks. It wasn't that fun.

36. She was a no-show at your Secret Santa party!

37. Christmas is overrated. She hasn't called you in months!

38. I'm not that interesting.

39. Look, what is going on with you? Are you hangry?

40. No. I just ate six hard-boiled eggs.

41. Well, maybe you should've made it a cool "doz."

42. Look, I know Gina hasn't been around very much,

43. but we're gonna spend time with her today, and it's gonna be just like old times.

44. Gina's gonna be a few minutes.

45. Her photo shoot is running over.

46. Yes, Moses! Lookin' good! Now work those commandments!

47. See, Sarge?

48. Just like old times.

49. Ah, Boyle, there you are. I have a question for you.

50. Daddy, wait up!

51. Oh. Your non-adult is at our place of work.

52. Nikolaj had a half-day at school

53. for Mariano Rivera's birthday.

54. I'm watching him on my lunch break.

55. Nikolaj, say "hi" to Captain Holt.

56. Hi, Captain Holt! How's Mr. Kevin? Stressed.

57. His annual budget review is today,

58. and a recent change in federal policy

59. means his grant situation is tenuous.

60. At best. Okay.

61. Hey, Nikolaj, Daddy and Captain Holt need to talk.

62. Why don't you go do some drawing?

63. Oh, he loves doing art.

64. He made a portrait of our dog Biscuit that had all of his surgical scars.

65. Yes. Children are wonders.

66. I'm conducting a statistical analysis

67. to get a more nuanced understanding

68. of which areas in our jurisdiction need greater police presence with a hope

69. of developing a formula that...

70. What on Walden Pond is this?

71. Nikolaj, no, that's important!

72. I'm so sorry, sir.

73. I don't spank him, but I will reprimand him

74. in my own way.

75. Niko. I love you.

76. I'm so sorry, Daddy! No, no, no.

77. He didn't ruin it, he solved it.

78. The absolute value of psi.

79. Nikolaj cracked the equation.

80. Boyle, your boy is a genius!

81. Jacob, Terrencio!

82. Give Moses a hug!

83. It's so good to see you!

84. Ugh. That shoot took forever.

85. Did Janelle offer you a snack?

86. She did. I had linguini.

87. So what's been going on with you?

88. Well, that's actually why I called.

89. Uh, it's not a big deal at all,

90. but someone's threatening to murder me.

91. What? Damn, Gina!

92. I mean, I'm not worried about it in the slightest.

93. Anyone who has an online presence gets meaningless threats.

94. It actually is a sign that I made it.

95. Congrats? Thanks, thank you.

96. The only thing is, I have my first speaking engagement tomorrow

97. and the organizer says he's going to cancel it

98. unless I have police protection, so...

99. Would you guys come tomorrow and police protect me?

100. Yes, of course, yes.

101. Oh, thanks so much.

102. Oh. This is my agent. I'm so sorry.

103. Duncan, this better be good news.

104. Oh, it is. Your video's huge, from Spokane to Spain,

105. you're global, Gines!

106. Now, let's talk strategy.

107. This is gonna take a while.

108. Do you guys want to get drinks at Shaw's later and catch up?

109. Oh. Yeah. That sounds really fun.

110. Great. I'll see you then!

111. Okay. So, Dunce,

112. I have an idea for a second book.

113. It's a memoir, and it's made of memes.

114. So, it's called a meme-oir.

115. Whoa! Rosa! What happened? I touched poison oak.

116. The doctor says I have to keep my hands bandaged for a week

117. so I don't scratch them.

118. How did it happen? I was on a nature hike

119. and I went off-trail to pick a pretty little flower.

120. Aw!

121. Shut up. Now scram. I have a case report to type up.

122. Uh, there's no way you're using a keyboard

123. with your hands like that. Oh! I could help you!

124. Not to brag, but at typing camp, everyone called me

125. "The Finger Queen."

126. Oh, my God, that sounds really dirty. I swear that's not what it meant.

127. Yeah, it was typing camp. Nobody thinks that.

128. Anyway, I don't need your help.

129. You're really gonna try to make it through an entire day on your own?

130. Well, well, well.

131. Rosa Diaz is finally gonna learn the lesson

132. that no matter how strong she is on her own,

133. true strength comes from accepting help from others.

134. That's not what's happening.

135. Mmm-hmm. Yeah. That's how normal people take their coats off.

136. I'm fine.

137. I can see that.

138. This is going well. Clearly.

139. Why are you sliding into my side of the booth?

140. Because that side is the solo side.

141. You always put the person you want to catch up with on the solo side,

142. otherwise one of us will spend the whole night

143. straining our necks looking sideways.

144. I'm straining my neck talking to you right now.

145. Okay, so don't look at me, Terry.

146. Just face forward. You see me every day.

147. Fine. Fine.

148. I gotta say, I'm surprised Gina invited us to drinks tonight.

149. She obviously only invited us over to her place because she needed a favor.

150. Why are you still so down on her?

151. I've been through this before.

152. In college, I had a football buddy, Bryant Ungerbert...

153. Oh, let me guess, you guys were best friends,

154. then he got drafted into the NFL, and now you never talk.

155. No, he got drafted into the Canadian Football League,

156. became a long snapper for Ottawa,

157. and even that level of success ruined our friendship.

158. He's still playing? How is that possible?

159. You're 35 to 60 years old.

160. It's Canada. They don't tackle as hard.

161. Anyway, his career became the only thing that mattered.

162. He was off doing photo shoots, commercials,

163. speaking at long snapping conventions...

164. Is that a thing? In Canada,

165. it's like the Oscars. Look, the point is,

166. he stopped making time for his friends.

167. Fine, but that's not what's happening here.

168. Nothing has changed with Gina. She's not an Ungerbert.

169. Hi.

170. So, Gina won't be able to make it tonight.

171. She doesn't have time.

172. But here are your credentials for tomorrow's event.

173. Have a great night.

174. Oh, no.

175. She is an Ungerbert.

176. Hey, Gina's prepping inside.

177. You get some rest last night? Yeah,

178. because I got home from our 9:30 drinks at 9:41. I was in bed by 10:00.

179. Then I looked at my phone for another two hours,

180. so actually I didn't sleep very well.

181. But I did realize something.

182. The only thing that matters to Gina is work.

183. You don't say?

184. Where have I heard that before?

185. I don't know, Terry. I don't have time for your weird memory lapse.

186. I said it last night. Well, I wish you would've said it to me.

187. Anyways, I decided I'm not gonna let it go this time.

188. After we update her on the case,

189. I'm gonna say something to her. Good.

190. I wish I'd have said something to Ungerbert.

191. Long snapper used to be my favorite position.

192. Really? Yeah.

193. Hmm. Well, you a weirdo.

194. "Timothée Chalamet, shimmy-yah, shimmy-yay."

195. "Timothée Chalamet, shimmy-yah, shimmy-yay."

196. Gina. Oh. Sorry.

197. I'm doing my vocal warm-up. Great.

198. Well, Cyber looked into the threats,

199. and they traced a number of negative comments

200. back to another internet celebrity, Marvin Lennox.

201. Marvin Lennox. Yeah, I'm not worried about him.

202. He's an inspirational baker. Inspirational baker?

203. What the hell is that?

204. A man is like a quiche, and a quiche is only as strong as its crust.

205. What's your crust?

206. Oh. That's exactly what it sounds like.

207. Yeah, he's not a threat. He lives in Utah, and again,

208. just to remind you, inspirational baker.

209. Right. Well, even so, we have metal detectors

210. at all of the entrances, and we'll keep our eyes peeled

211. for anything suspicious. Also, before we head in there,

212. I wanted to talk to you about something.

213. What's up? Well, it just kind of

214. bummed me out that last night you blew us off.

215. For work. Again. What?

216. Uh, no. I did not miss drinks for work.

217. I had food poisoning. Did Janelle not tell you?

218. No. Wow, that's crazy.

219. 'Cause I specifically told her to tell you.

220. You know what? I'm gonna fire her. Oh, you don't have to do that.

221. Janelle. Oh, God, you're doing it now?

222. Hi, Gina. Okay.

223. Well, Sarge and I should probably hit it,

224. get back in there, survey some people.

225. But have a great show. Janelle, just remember

226. you're gonna have a lot of jobs in your life.

227. This is but a blip on your résumé. Okay, Sarge, let's go.

228. Wanted to see me, sir? Yes,

229. I wanted to talk to you about Nikolaj.

230. How long have you known he was a genius?

231. I mean, I always knew he was bright.

232. I just never realized he was that smart.

233. Well, there's no sugarcoating it. You're a terrible father.

234. What? You've been asleep at the wheel, man!

235. What have you done to cultivate his incredible mind?

236. I read to him every night.

237. Shakespeare? Tolstoy?

238. No, nothing that advanced.

239. Egads! Are you reading him Dickens?

240. Yes? Boyle,

241. my father never saw my potential.

242. In grade school, I wanted to spend all my free time

243. drawing graphs and charts,

244. but he insisted I play basketball.

245. As if I care about slam dunking a three-pointer.

246. Don't be my father, Boyle!

247. I wouldn't dare! What do you think I should do?

248. Let me tutor Nikolaj.

249. Nothing too strenuous.

250. Maybe some geometry, statistical mechanics,

251. perhaps some Latin lyric poetry thrown in for fun.

252. Oh, I don't know. He's really booked.

253. I guess I could cancel his cartooning class,

254. but he really loves it. Don't do that.

255. I hate to think of all the great cartoons

256. humanity missed out on because Einstein was just too busy reinventing physics.

257. Okay, I'll cancel the class.

258. I mean, who needs relativity

259. when we could've had Einstein's take on lasagne-eating cats.

260. I said I'd cancel. Did he hate Mondays?

261. We'll never know.

262. Okay, I'm going, I'm going!

263. Why won't this dumb monitor turn on?

264. Because you can't work without your hands.

265. Trust us. If you could do this job

266. without lifting a finger, we would've already cracked it.

267. Because we're lazy boys.

268. I'm just not doing it hard enough.

269. That's a double-sponger. All right.

270. I am cleaning this up, and no one is helping me.

271. Not a problem.

272. Because we're lazy boys.

273. You gotta be kidding me!

274. In the beginning, there was nothing.

275. And then God, a woman, said,

276. "Let there be Gina!"

277. Gina! Please look at me!

278. You're welcome.

279. It's gonna be hard to spot a crazy person in here.

280. They're all crazy. Tell me about it.

281. This is more insane than the crowd

282. at the Carly Rae Jepsen, I mean Slayer concert.

283. G-Hive!

284. Are you ready for three new Gina-mandments?

285. Number one.

286. You can be anything you set your mind to

287. as long as you're already great at it!

288. Number two.

289. No one knows you can't take it with you!

290. Be buried with your money.

291. Cha-ching!

292. Number three.

293. If you fall down nine times,

294. you gotta reassess your walking,

295. 'cause something's wrong.

296. And now, I wanna hear from you, my baby G-Hive!

297. Yes, girl in the mustard sweater.

298. Hi, Gina. I just quit my job

299. and left my husband who loves parkour more than he loves me.

300. And it's all because of your Gina-mandment:

301. "If the light in your house is dim, change the bulb."

302. Yes!

303. I have time for 15 more compliments.

304. Hey, Jake, I think Lennox is here. I see him.

305. You get him. I'll stick with Gina.

306. Uh-oh. He's moving.

307. I want to see you...

308. Coming through.

309. There's too many hoodies. I lost him. Get Gina out of here, now!

310. And now the time has come for ya'll to meditate.

311. Close your eyes while I sing to you.

312. Breathe in, breathe out

313. I invented meditation

314. Bre... Gina, we gotta go,

315. Lennox is here. Told you I'm not worried about Lennox.

316. Yeah. Well, it's not your call. We're leaving.

317. Jake, you're overreacting.

318. On second thought, maybe we should get out of here.

319. Okay. Kitchen's all clear.

320. Bedroom's clear.

321. Can't believe I just escaped death!

322. I haven't felt this alive since I almost got killed by that bus.

323. I know, right? What a rush.

324. I feel just like Kevin Costner in The Bodyguard!

325. What? If anyone's like Kevin Costner, it's me. I'm the one carrying Gina!

326. Well, I think we can agree we were both Kevin Costner.

327. No!

328. Jake, that was so dope when you were like, "Clear a path!"

329. Guys, uniformed officers found Marvin hiding in a bathroom

330. at the event space. He's in custody.

331. We got him! That's great!

332. I hope they give him the chair. Ooh!

333. We should celebrate. Champagne's in the fridge.

334. On it.

335. Ooh.

336. Duncan, I almost died. It was amazing.

337. I heard all about it, Gines.

338. Look, you're trending! And from my pain comes triumph!

339. Love that. And we can use this publicity

340. to get more money out of those bottled water guys.

341. You really impressed them at drinks last night!

342. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We should talk about this later.

343. Sorry, you're breaking up. Look, I said

344. they loved you at the drinks last night,

345. the drinks last night that you had with the water people?

346. Crap, look, I just hit the Holland Tunnel,

347. but again, great job with the drinks last night! Bye.

348. Jake, did you hear that?

349. I did, and there's been a change of plans.

350. I'm gonna take a rain check on the champagne,

351. but it was wonderful seeing you.

352. Why are you talking like a flight attendant?

353. This is how I always talk when everything is okay.

354. Which it is right now.

355. Please enjoy the rest of your day.

356. How did Nikolaj do?

357. Were you able to overcome my horrible parenting?

358. No, it's far worse than I could've ever imagined.

359. I showed him a periodic table, and he thought

360. it was a coloring book illustration.

361. I blame myself.

362. It's such a classic Boyle trait not to recognize talent.

363. My cousin Susan didn't know she could sing until her late 40s.

364. Honestly, given the hole that you've put him in,

365. he needs more expert help than I can provide.

366. But, there is

367. a boarding school in Switzerland

368. that would be a perfect fit for him.

369. He can enroll immediately.

370. In Switzerland? I'd never see him.

371. Then uproot your life and move there with him.

372. No one here would miss you. Hmm.

373. We could live in Gruyere, the fondue capital of the world. Oh.

374. I don't know. It's such a big change.

375. Well, he's the genius.

376. Why don't we ask him what he wants to do? Good point.

377. Niko? We need to talk.

378. Wait. Why is he writing the solution to my formula for no reason?

379. And why is he drawing colorful underpants beneath it?

380. Oh. I see what's happening. He's drawing Boy Riga,

381. loyal sidekick to his favorite superhero, Captain Latvia.

382. That's his symbol. He distributes grain evenly

383. among the working class.

384. Uh-huh. I see.

385. So this was all just some coincidence.

386. He wasn't writing the absolute value of psi.

387. He was just...

388. Doodling.

389. Rosa? Are you stuck in there?

390. No, I'm in here by choice. Oh.

391. 'Cause I hear some banging noises

392. as if someone was struggling to open the door.

393. No. That was the pipes.

394. Or, is it the sound of you learning how to ask for help?

395. You know, you can't spell "independent" without "dependant."

396. And you can't spell "Go yourself" without " you."

397. Jake, I had a work thing.

398. I can't believe you're being such a baby about this.

399. I'm not being a baby.

400. Look, I'm sorry I lied, okay? It was a big opportunity for me.

401. I was having drinks with the brand director

402. of a bottled water company.

403. I can't say which one,

404. but it rhymes with, "fart water."

405. Perhaps, one day, I will laugh at that.

406. In the meantime, I'm happy for all your success.

407. And I hope your partnership

408. with "fart water" is very fruitful.

409. Good day. Come on, dude. Just talk to me.

410. I would if we were friends, but you're making it very clear

411. that we are not, so I shan't.

412. Oh, you're shanting me? Yeah, that's right.

413. Jake! Can't hear you. You're shanted!

414. Jake! I told you I only talk to my friends.

415. No, Jake.

416. I think I just got stabbed by that guy. Oh.

417. Yeah, you did.

418. You definitely did.

419. Okay. The ambulance is on its way.

420. They said not to remove the knife.

421. Great. What's up? I got your text...

422. Oh, my God, Gina, there's a knife in you!

423. Jake, did you stab Gina?

424. I didn't stab Gina, okay? Lennox wasn't our guy.

425. The real perp did it. He's in a black hoodie and jeans.

426. He ran that way. I'm on it.

427. All right, I want you to stay calm

428. and just try to keep all of your blood inside your body.

429. Bitch, what do you think I'm doing?

430. Yeah, I don't know why I said that.

431. Now bring your ass down here so we can finish our conversation.

432. We can do that later, Gina. First of all,

433. I have so much adrenaline pumping through my body right now,

434. I can feel almost nothing.

435. Secondly, you can't say no to me.

436. I have a knife in my back. Yeah, that tracks.

437. Okay, fine. So, I was saying that

438. ever since you left, you've been kind of a crappy friend.

439. We're definitely not having this conversation right now.

440. No, it's okay. It just hurt for a sec.

441. Come on, let's do it.

442. All right, fine, what was I saying?

443. You were saying that I'm a...

444. Bad friend.

445. Right. Mmm-hmm.

446. You're a bad friend. That's what I was saying to you.

447. Yeah. And just that, you know,

448. you've been really blowing me off the last few months,

449. and last night you lied to me about being sick.

450. That really sucked. All right, well, listen.

451. I'm sorry I lied, Jake.

452. I saw you were getting upset and I just didn't want to hurt you.

453. But I don't know what to say about the other stuff

454. because this is my life and I don't want to apologize for that.

455. No, and, Gina, you shouldn't have to.

456. Look, I'm really proud of you.

457. You're totally killing it.

458. Yeah, people want to stab me.

459. I mean, that's a very positive way of looking at things, but yeah.

460. Thank you.

461. I hit a new level of pain.

462. Please keep talkin', Please keep talkin'!

463. Okay, look. I just wanted you to know that I miss you.

464. Well, I miss you too, dude.

465. Great, so can we agree to see each other like 5% more?

466. Deal.

467. We're not going to shake on it.

468. Yeah, we'll just take each other at our word.

469. Whoo!

470. That's a knife!

471. That is a knife in my back. That's so weird to say.

472. There's a knife in my back.

473. Boyle, may I speak with you for a minute?

474. Sure, I was just googling "good toys for normal children."

475. Nikolaj may not be a genius,

476. but he's a very bright child.

477. And on top of that, you were right.

478. He's also a very gifted artist.

479. Look what he did to my periodic table.

480. Sure, it's a bit derivative of Kandinsky,

481. but the palette shows an impressive comprehension of color theory.

482. And he's good at clouds, too.

483. Okay.

484. I also wanted to say I was wrong to imply

485. that you didn't know what was best for him. Oh.

486. You're an exceptionally supportive parent,

487. and I wish my father had been more like you.

488. Thank you for saying that.

489. And, sir,

490. nothing would make me prouder than being your big daddy.

491. Well, we're off track now, so, uh, good day.

492. Hey, guys.

493. How you feeling, Gina? Uh...

494. Sometimes I feel like a nut, sometimes I don't.

495. Almond Joy's got nuts.

496. Mounds don't.

497. She's very hopped up on painkillers.

498. Hold up, when did you learn French, Monsieur La baguette?

499. As a baby.

500. Oh, oui! Oui, oui, oui, oui.

501. It actually helps to play along, I'm assuming.

502. So what's the latest? Did you catch the perp?

503. No. I almost had him.

504. But then he jumped up, grabbed a flagpole,

505. spun around it like Spider-Man,

506. and then flipped out of sight on a roof.

507. It was crazy. Officers are still patrolling the area.

508. Oh, my God, that's it. That is it!

509. The treasure is in the Forest of Enchanted Secrets!

510. Let's go! No, we can't.

511. We have to stay here and guard the Amulet of Destiny.

512. True dat, true dat.

513. Sarge, call me crazy,

514. but it almost sounds like whoever stabbed Gina knew parkour

515. just like the ex-husband

516. of that lady from Gina's event. Right!

517. Gina convinced her to leave him and he probably wants revenge.

518. I'll look into it. Okay.

519. Jake, I cannot wait for this doctor.

520. Will you please grab this knife out of my back?

521. Get it! Gina, it's already out.

522. What?

523. Hello? You win.

524. Please help me. No.

525. What, why? I learned my lesson. You were right.

526. No, you were right.

527. For the past four hours,

528. I've been watching you on the security camera.

529. You have? That's weird.

530. This isn't about me. Still seems weird.

531. Rosa! Watching you try to open that door and fail again

532. and again and again and again was inspiring!

533. I was trying to teach you a lesson, and instead, you taught me a lesson.

534. Great. What lesson is that?

535. There is nothing the human spirit cannot overcome.

536. So, Rosa Diaz, you are not quitting.

537. You are gonna open that door

538. because you are badass and you don't need help from anyone!

539. Yeah. I'm Rosa Diaz.

540. You can do this, Rosa!

541. She's doing it!

542. Yes!

543. You did it! I did it!

544. Oh, that was great! I love being independent!

545. I have to go to the bathroom. Oh, okay, I'll help you.

546. And then you were like, "We can use the Amulet

547. "to fight the Queen of Tears!"

548. I said all of that when I was on drugs? That's brilliant.

549. Yeah, we basically came up with an entire amazing story.

550. We should write a movie! Yes!

551. Jake and Gina present, colon,

552. The Queen of Tears, colon,

553. Battle for the Amulet of Destiny.

554. Colon, Part One, colon, of Five.

555. Oh. Get those sequel profits, smart.

556. Yarp. Oh. Here comes Terry.

557. Hey, sorry I'm late.

558. Oh, you should be, Terrence.

559. You almost missed the surprise we got for you.

560. What is it? I think you mean, "Who is it?"

561. Bryant Ungerbert?

562. Hello, Terry Jeffords.

563. It's been far too long, old friend.

564. Ah, we did the right thing.

565. Yes we did, Gina. Who's Gina?

566. Are you still on drugs?

567. Yeah. Oh, tight.