Brooklyn Nine-Nine 6x14

1. So you guys are gonna tie up the only microwave

2. for 20 minutes to make a frozen lasagne?

3. Ballsy. You ignorant loser.

4. First of all, it's not just a frozen lasagne,

5. it's a Mama Magglione's.

6. Second of all, it's gonna take 21 and a half minutes.

7. The box says 20, but we know better than the box.

8. You see, this microwave is a KitchenPro Max.

9. Bit of a lightweight. It's only 1.2 kilowatts.

10. Fine for popcorn. But we're talking about

11. a Mama Magglione's here. Takes a lot to get mama hot.

12. She's a real size-queen.

13. Well, that started out fun,

14. and here we are at our normal ending disgusting.

15. Uh-oh. Guys!

16. We have a major problem here.

17. No garlic bread. Okay, we need to stay calm.

18. Let's think.

19. The garlic bread needs to go in the toaster oven

20. with eight minutes left on the lasagne.

21. Maybe we could run down to the corner store

22. and make it in time. That just gives us 12 minutes

23. to go to a place and come back.

24. Mama Magglione. We have to go now!

25. Okay, well, good luck with that, weirdos.

26. This stupid piece of crap.

27. Rosa, come on.

28. You can't break a mouse in half.

29. Oh, wow, you did.

30. Scary. You really earn your rep.

31. Stupid Internet. The network's been down all morning, and my girlfriend...

32. Jocelyn. Right. She's leaving town for two weeks.

33. Oh, is Jocelyn leaving town? Where is Jocelyn going?

34. Dude, you forgot her name one time.

35. It's not a big deal. You don't have to keep

36. proving you remember it.

37. That's not what's happening here.

38. I'm just saying it a lot,

39. because she's so important to me.

40. Okay, what's her last name? Uh-oh.

41. Mmm-hmm. It's Pryce. Right.

42. She's leaving town for two weeks.

43. I want to send flowers to her hotel room.

44. Oh, that's sweet. I wish Amy would send me flowers.

45. Why is it taking Holt and this I.T. guy so long to fix the Internet?

46. One Police Plaza sent him an hour ago.

47. Huh. Why does Holt look so worried?

48. What are you talking about? He looks exactly like he always does.

49. To you, perhaps,

50. but I finally learned how to read his emotions.

51. His lips are slightly pursed,

52. and he's blinking at eight-second intervals

53. as opposed to his normal 10.

54. Oh, my God. He's having a meltdown.

55. "Meltdown" seems excessive.

56. Yeah, it's a meltdown. Mark my words.

57. Hey, there, Captain. Everything okay?

58. No, I'm having a meltdown.

59. Props. That was amazing. Thanks. It was a lot of work.

60. This is Sergeant Knox. From Cyber Operations.

61. He's discovered the reason for our network issues.

62. A hacker is attempting to break into our servers.

63. Not all of them. Just the LACMI server. Well, that's good.

64. No, Captain Holt's nostril just twitched.

65. It's bad. It's devastating.

66. Props again. Thanks, again.

67. The LACMI server holds clearance-protected information,

68. including the names of our undercover agents.

69. If it's compromised, people could lose their lives.

70. Okay, but isn't the server secure?

71. Yes, but the hacker's already used an ARP

72. to resolve the host name with the DNS server.

73. Uh-huh. ARP. DNS. Totally following what you're saying.

74. Right now, they're trying to get root access

75. by connecting the OSI network to the data-link.

76. You know, I'm a bit of a computer nerd myself,

77. but could you maybe dumb it down a bit for my friends here?

78. They're almost through our defenses.

79. If we can't stop them, they'll be inside of our server in...

80. Nineteen minutes.

81. Mama Magglione.

82. A countdown clock, green text on a black background,

83. we are in full-on action-movie mode.

84. Now all I need is my no-nonsense captain to tell me to focus,

85. because time is running out.

86. Peralta. Yes?

87. You have something in your teeth. It's, uh, quite off-putting.

88. What? No. "Time is running out."

89. I fed you your line.

90. No one ever has something in their teeth in a movie.

91. Watch a movie, stupid Holt.

92. Damn it, I tried to remove the server from the chain,

93. but the hacker blocked the protocol.

94. Why don't you just unplug it?

95. That's what I do any time I'm having computer trouble.

96. And also I code a lot.

97. Java, mainframe. This guy knows what I'm talking about.

98. The NYPD servers have internal backup batteries.

99. Even if we unplug them, they'll stay on for another two hours.

100. As a captain, I have an override code I can use to wipe the servers clean

101. so there'd be no information for the hackers to steal,

102. but there's one problem, Jake. Yes, sir?

103. You still have something in your teeth.

104. You tried to get rid of it, but it's made it much more prominent.

105. Why would you stop everything just to tell me that?

106. It's very distracting.

107. Anyway, I can't use my override code... Oh.

108. because doing so would delete the entire evidence tracking database.

109. The NYPD only backs up that information

110. at the precinct level twice a year.

111. We would lose four months of evidence.

112. So what you're saying is that

113. every perp awaiting trial would walk free?

114. Exactly, and we have hundreds of open cases.

115. Wiping the servers is not an option.

116. The only solution is to track down the hacker.

117. How? It could be anywhere in the world,

118. Osaka, Berlin, Macau, Stockholm.

119. Are you guys just gonna keep letting me list cities I've lived in?

120. Wait, the LACMI server isn't wired to the Internet.

121. It's supposed to be offline.

122. How are they accessing it?

123. They must be going through a physical AP.

124. Yeah. Again, these guys don't get computers like you and I, so...

125. It's not a remote connection.

126. The hacker's inside the building.

127. Let's mobilize. Nobody in or out of the building without authorization.

128. Check every inch of every floor.

129. And, Jake. Oh, let me guess.

130. It's on another tooth now. Is it somehow on my face?

131. No, what I was going to say is, we only have 15 minutes left.

132. You need to focus,

133. because time is running out.

134. Oh, yeah. That's what the F I'm talking about.

135. Thank you, sir.

136. What's all this? Drunken brawl broke out

137. between two sororities.

138. We're keeping the Lambda Nus up here,

139. and the Kappa Gamma Kappas are in holding on two.

140. They're all so mean. They're kids, Boyle.

141. I'm sure they're just scared.

142. Yeah, we're just scared kids. Can we please go home now?

143. I'm sorry, we have to process you,

144. but I promise we'll go as fast as we can.

145. I hope you get shot in the line of duty.

146. Oh, my God.

147. All right. Brush it off, Sarge, we've got an emergency.

148. There's a hacker in the building.

149. Look for anyone you don't recognize

150. using a computer, or plugged in to a port.

151. I initiated lockdown protocol.

152. I'll search the fourth floor.

153. Peralta, Diaz, start on one, work your way up.

154. Jeffords, take Boyle, start on three,

155. work your way down. On it.

156. I'll grab the keys to the first floor. Smart.

157. Ames, I love you, but I can't talk right now.

158. I just got an alert that the Nine-Nine is on lockdown. I'm on my way.

159. Wait, aren't you at the dentist?

160. Yeah, I left. It's fine. It's a new hygienist,

161. and to be honest, her scraping technique was a joke.

162. We have 14 minutes to find a hacker.

163. You're not gonna get back in time.

164. But everybody else is there, right?

165. I mean, it seems weird to have this big thing happen without me.

166. We talked about this, Amy.

167. You have an unhealthy fear of missing out on work.

168. You have FOMOW. This isn't FOMOW.

169. It's not like I'm freaking out or anything.

170. Out of my way, you old bitch! This cab is mine.

171. I'll be there in 10 minutes. I love you.

172. Don't solve it without me.

173. I got the keys. Let's go.

174. Jocelyn. Jocelyn Pryce, hey.

175. What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at the airport?

176. Yeah, oh, I wanted to stop and see you on the way there.

177. I think we need to talk. Why? Is something wrong?

178. I should've done this last night, but I chickened out.

179. We need to break up.

180. Mama Magglione.

181. You want to break up? But I just met your college friends.

182. Are you telling me I had to talk to Matt for nothing?

183. Rosa. I thought you liked Matt.

184. Matt is a nightmare. He kept saying, "hashtag tell me about it."

185. We should really get going.

186. Listen, I just don't understand why this is happening.

187. Look, I love being with you,

188. but how often am I actually with you?

189. We're together every night. Unless you're at work,

190. or doing work, or thinking about work.

191. It's like you never have time for me.

192. I'm sorry, but Rosa doesn't have time for you.

193. We have a really important work thing.

194. That was bad. Let me try rephrasing it.

195. You are not as important as Rosa's job.

196. Oh, wow. That was way worse.

197. Look, we just have to take care of this one thing.

198. It's an emergency. Then I'll be right back

199. and we can talk about this. I really have to get to the airport.

200. Please.

201. Okay, fine.

202. But I'm leaving in 10 minutes.

203. Okay, just wait in the break room.

204. Don't sit on the couch. It's full of farts.

205. You okay? Yeah, I'm great.

206. I love being dumped. It's super great.

207. I think you're being sarcastic,

208. but it's hard to tell with your voice the way it always is.

209. We just checked the third floor. We didn't find anyone.

210. We're on our way to one. You didn't even start yet?

211. Rosa took a long time getting ready.

212. You know how ladies be preppin'.

213. Ow!

214. I was just covering up the truth so it wouldn't be awkward.

215. Ooh. Did something awkward happen?

216. I can probably relate. Dish, bish.

217. Rosa got dumped out of the blue because she cares so much

218. about her job and doesn't spend enough time with Jocelyn.

219. Ow! There's no winning with you.

220. Ah. So you got dumped, and you didn't see it coming.

221. Oh, brother, you are in Boyle Country.

222. Here's what you're gonna want to do.

223. Come on, Boyle. Beg her to take you back,

224. and don't be afraid to cry. I'm talking tears and snot.

225. Quinn, did you get the alert?

226. Yeah, but I haven't seen anyone unusual down here.

227. I mean, other than 1,000 Kappa Gamma Kappas.

228. At least you didn't have to deal with the Lambda Nus.

229. Those girls are savages. Right? We're the victims here.

230. We have a nighttime event, and if we don't make our blowouts,

231. then we'll all look disgusting,

232. and nobody will give any money to the kids,

233. or dogs, or whatever the charity is.

234. It's to buy shoes for poor people so they can get jobs.

235. Yeah. We'll do our best,

236. but it's possible you're gonna miss your event.

237. That's too bad, 'cause you could use some decent shoes.

238. What? Terry got these at Aldo.

239. Was it buy one, get one? No, it wasn't.

240. It was a three-for-one Labor Day doorbuster.

241. Makes sense. Come on.

242. Nobody on the fourth floor.

243. Three is clear. We're finishing up two.

244. I gotta get out of here before the sorority girls notice my tie.

245. Just regroup in my office.

246. Go for Hitch. Hitchcock, damn it.

247. I meant to call Peralta. We're in the middle of a crisis.

248. Oh, no. Is it the lasagne? The what?

249. Don't play dumb with me, Raymond.

250. What's wrong with the lasagne?

251. I have no idea what you're talking about.

252. What is it? What's wrong with the lasagne? Is it bubbling over?

253. He won't tell me.

254. Captain, give us the damned information. Is it bubbling over?

255. I don't have time for these shenanigans.

256. What's the problem? He wouldn't say.

257. Oh, no. Then it must be bad.

258. Call Jake. He'll tell us the truth.

259. Hitchcock? Give it to us straight, man.

260. What's going on?

261. Uh, just searching the first floor.

262. Searching the first floor? Why is the lasagne on the first floor?

263. Why is the lasagne on the first floor?

264. What? What are you talking about? The lasagne is fine.

265. Oh, thank God. He says it's fine.

266. Oh. You're a saint, Jakey. I love you.

267. Okay. Holt's texting me. Love you, too.

268. Rosa! We gotta go up to Holt's.

269. Is this not done yet?

270. Jocelyn leaves in eight minutes,

271. and I don't want things to end like this.

272. Wow. Way to be vulnerable.

273. I thought for sure you'd write her off

274. the second she said she wanted to break up.

275. Yeah, I did. She's dead to me.

276. What? Then why are you so anxious to get back up and talk to her?

277. Because I have a plan.

278. I'm gonna beg her to stay, change whatever it is I need to change,

279. then once our relationship is stronger than ever,

280. I'm gonna dump her ass so quick.

281. It's gonna be brutal.

282. Okay, I'm gonna try and put this nicely.

283. That is psychotic.

284. Okay, maybe not psychotic, but it's like something the lady

285. from Killing Eve would do.

286. Not Sandra Oh, Villanelle. You know, the crazy one

287. who stabs everyone with her hairpin.

288. But have you still not watched Killing Eve?

289. I've told you about it so many times.

290. Look, I've never lost a breakup,

291. and I'm not starting now. I'm 12-0.

292. I'm always the dumper, never the dumpee.

293. I just don't think every breakup has a winner and a loser.

294. Sounds like somebody who's lost all his breakups.

295. Not all. Maybe like half, max.

296. Just being generous.

297. Hey, Ames. Cab was too slow. Decided to walk.

298. It's nice to take a little stroll.

299. You're clearly running at full speed.

300. Whatever. How's it going there?

301. Not great. We still haven't found the hacker.

302. Oh, super. I mean, oh, no.

303. Is Amy FOMOWing? Of course not.

304. Big time.

305. Okay, I gotta go, babe. We're headed to Holt.

306. Don't you dare hang up on me!

307. I am part of this.

308. Rosa, this is dumb. I'm just gonna go.

309. No, no, no. You promised me more time.

310. I still have seven minutes.

311. I really don't want to miss my flight,

312. and I cannot physically stand

313. the way that room smells anymore.

314. Just breathe through your mouth. Please, just stay here.

315. I'll be right back.

316. We searched everywhere. No hacker.

317. Maybe he camouflaged himself.

318. Maybe he's a real-life Peeta Mellark,

319. out there looking like a river rock.

320. I hate to say it but maybe it's time we start thinking

321. about erasing the server.

322. No, not until the last possible minute.

323. What else can you do?

324. I've been trying to pinpoint him.

325. I've been making my way through the server sockets,

326. trying to determine which port he's plugged into.

327. What's going on? I can't hear anything.

328. Turn me around. I'm missing everything.

329. Part of the team. What's up, team?

330. Is Sergeant Santiago suffering from FOMOW?

331. No. Yeah, she is.

332. What's happening? I think the hacker

333. just opened the holding cell.

334. Mama Magglione.

335. Oh, no. They're running free.

336. Everyone, cover up your worst physical attributes.

337. Oh, it's no use. They could always find new ones.

338. Why would the hacker open the holding cell?

339. Maybe he's trying to create a distraction.

340. I think he can see that I'm closing in on his location.

341. Then keep doing that. The rest of you,

342. get them back into holding.

343. Oh, come on. Get down from there.

344. Do you know who my father is? He's in business.

345. That's where you actually make money at your job.

346. I make money. I make good money.

347. That can't be true. Otherwise, you wouldn't still have that chin.

348. What? Nobody ever said anything about my chin?

349. Boyle, is something wrong with Terry's chin?

350. I don't want to get involved. Oh, my God. It's true.

351. How is she running so fast in those shoes?

352. She's too drunk to feel any pain.

353. Open up. No.

354. You are trapped in a very small room, and we can see you.

355. What's your plan here?

356. Shut up, I'm trying to think.

357. If you come in here, I'll bite you with this weird mouth thing.

358. That is a staple remover, and it's shocking you don't know that.

359. Sorry, I'm not a secretary.

360. I don't have time for this.

361. My girlfriend leaves in three minutes.

362. You are ruining my life.

363. You're ruining my life.

364. I missed my Drybar appointment

365. without calling to cancel first.

366. They keep record of those things.

367. Oh, my God, neither of your lives are being ruined.

368. I told you I'm not on board with your psycho plan

369. to destroy your girlfriend. I'm not gonna destroy her.

370. I actually want her back.

371. I really love her, Jake.

372. What? Rosa, then why'd you say all that stuff about winning the breakup?

373. Because it's weak and humiliating to love someone.

374. I lied to make myself feel strong and normal.

375. Right, that's definitely what came across,

376. how normal you were being.

377. Don't let her go.

378. You guys, I used to have this boyfriend, Jason,

379. then we broke up 'cause I got drunk at Spring Fling

380. and passed out in a bush, and he took too long to find me,

381. and now he's gone and it's like

382. there's no one to find me when I pass out in a bush.

383. I'm not sure that totally applies here.

384. No, she's right.

385. I can't let Jocelyn go. Can you handle this without me?

386. Yeah, it's under control.

387. Go get Jocelyn back.

388. Jocelyn Pryce.

389. Do you need to use a phone to make a call?

390. Gross, I don't know any phone numbers.

391. Where the hell did Jocelyn go?

392. Elevator. Tears and snot.

393. Where are you going? I still have one minute left.

394. I'm leaving because it's clearer to me than ever that your job

395. is more important to you than I am.

396. That's not true!

397. Sorry, ma'am, I can't let anyone in or out.

398. She's with me.

399. You don't even apologize when you blow me off.

400. You just text "Double homicide TTYL."

401. Sometimes I add those little heart emojis.

402. You know how uncomfortable that is for me.

403. I'm sorry. My job is hard.

404. Yeah, it is, and it's important, and you help people,

405. but I need more.

406. I promise I'll try. Honestly, I just don't see it changing.

407. Move, move, move!

408. Oh, no, why are you outside?

409. Is it over? Did we catch the hacker?

410. No, I have a personal thing that's more important to me.

411. Oh, yeah, work-life balance. I have that, too.

412. Sorry, I can't... Andrew, it's me!

413. Oh. Come on, come on, come on.

414. Got it. What?

415. Time check. Five minutes, 10 seconds.

416. It's over. Don't say that.

417. We'll never get the garlic bread toasted in time.

418. We can, and we will. How?

419. We'll set the oven to 500. Are you insane? It'll burn.

420. We'll wrap it in foil.

421. The foil will stick to the cheese.

422. That's a risk we'll have to take.

423. Move it.

424. Hey, you made it. Yeah.

425. We finally got all the Lambda Nus back into holding.

426. Who are the Lambda Nus?

427. Doesn't matter. I'll read your notes later.

428. I didn't take any notes.

429. What the hell, Jake? Do you even love me?

430. Says the woman who never once sent me flowers.

431. Never mind, we still haven't found the hacker,

432. but the cyber guy is getting close.

433. Okay, let's check in with Holt.

434. Hold on to him, girl.

435. He seems pretty sweet, and you guys are, like, both sevens.

436. Oh, come on.

437. We only have two minutes left.

438. I'm telling you, I can't find him.

439. Captain, maybe it's time to face reality.

440. We have to erase the servers.

441. I'll initiate the sequence for you.

442. It just needs your passcode.

443. Perhaps you're right.

444. How depressing.

445. I never would've thought that

446. typing an intricate sequence

447. of numbers from memory would bring such sadness.

448. Hi, I'm Sergeant Santiago.

449. I'm sure these guys have told you all about me already.

450. Long story short, nothing happens around here without me.

451. What is that? We just got an NOS ping

452. from the first floor. The hacker is in room 103.

453. Mama Magglione.

454. Go, go! Room 103!

455. What are we gonna do?

456. It's still frozen in the middle!

457. Well, then turn up the temp.

458. It's already at 500. It's maxed out.

459. Then set the mother to broil!

460. Okay! Geez.

461. I thought you said you searched the entire first floor.

462. I did. I even checked the ceiling for clingers.

463. Hey, who's that guy from Cyber?

464. Sergeant Knox. We've been talking computers all day.

465. Pretty technical stuff. I kept up.

466. His face is really familiar. I can't place him.

467. It's empty. And there's nothing plugged in

468. to the Internet port. Knox said he got a NOS ping.

469. I mean, NOSES don't just ping themselves, guys.

470. Jake, stop. You're not fooling anybody.

471. You don't anything about computers.

472. Oh, my God.

473. You're right. I'm not fooling anybody.

474. I was fooled, Jakey. You're my computer boy.

475. No, no, no. I don't know anything about computers.

476. None of us do. And Knox could tell that.

477. So he knew that we wouldn't catch on if he just made stuff up.

478. What if the reason we can't find the hacker

479. is because there is no hacker?

480. Why would Knox lie about that?

481. What if he doesn't actually care what's on the LACMI servers?

482. Maybe his real goal is to just trick Holt

483. into erasing all the servers.

484. He might just be trying to delete some evidence.

485. So you think he's a criminal.

486. Oh, my God. We have to go right now.

487. I know how I know Knox.

488. He's the guy from the security footage in the Avery Street murder.

489. Are you sure? Yes, he shaved his beard...

490. but it's definitely him.

491. We have less than a minute. Call Holt.

492. Knox is right next to him. He'll hear everything.

493. Here, I'll text him.

494. I don't get it. Holt was about to erase the servers.

495. If that's what Knox wanted, why did he stop him

496. and say the hacker was in room 103?

497. I don't know. Maybe to get rid of us.

498. No, to get rid of you.

499. The second you showed up in Holt's office,

500. he sent us away and the holding cell doors,

501. they opened when I walked in with Amy on my phone.

502. He must've known that she would recognize him.

503. Why is this taking so long to send?

504. What's going on?

505. We're running out of time here.

506. Uh, sorry, it's, uh, from my husband, Kevin.

507. Well, all due respect, but you don't have time for that.

508. You've got 15 seconds before the hacker is inside the server.

509. Uh, yes, uh, it's just that Kevin just texted me some

510. hot goss about our favorite reality TV star.

511. Ten seconds. Your agents' lives are at stake.

512. Eight, seven... Oh, I understand.

513. I just have to find out about the hot goss.

514. "How certain are you? Sincerely, Raymond Holt."

515. "100%, sincerely..."

516. Why am I doing that part? Send.

517. Okay, it said delivered.

518. Make way, make way.

519. Peralta, Santiago, you'll be happy to know

520. that I did not erase the server.

521. Oh, thank God.

522. But sad to know that Knox caught on

523. and is now holding me at gunpoint.

524. Why not lead with that?

525. Nobody has to get hurt.

526. Just put your guns down, and put your hands in the air.

527. Hey! I said put your guns down,

528. and get your hands in the air.

529. The bread, it's gonna burn.

530. Guys, do what he says.

531. I'll buy you all the garlic bread you want.

532. We're gonna hold you to that, Sarge.

533. Knox, you're pointing a gun at an NYPD captain.

534. Have you really thought this through?

535. This is not my fault. You were supposed to be at the dentist.

536. What? How did you...

537. You called me.

538. He called me. He said he had a tip for the officer in charge

539. of the Avery murder. I said I could meet any time

540. except for this morning because of the dentist.

541. I had it all planned out. Guess you didn't count on my FOMOW.

542. Yeah, that's right. It's crippling.

543. Oh, picking a weird time, but I'm glad you're finally owning it.

544. Here's what's gonna happen.

545. The Captain and I are gonna walk out of here real slow.

546. No one's gonna move a muscle. Everyone's gonna be okay.

547. Now we're just gonna move.

548. He's down. He's down. We got him.

549. Jeffords, get him into holding.

550. With pleasure. You're about to have a really bad day.

551. Give me that.

552. Look at his pants, ladies.

553. They're relaxed fit.

554. Uh-oh. Is that a braided belt?

555. Whoa. What happened?

556. You know what, forget it. I'll just read Amy's notes.

557. Why aren't you guys on your way to the airport?

558. Oh, I'm gonna miss my flight, but it's worth it.

559. It means a lot that Rosa bailed on all this just for me.

560. Aw. You did what, Diaz?

561. Now, sir, I told her it was okay.

562. If you're gonna be mad at anyone, be mad at me.

563. Okay, I am mad at you.

564. What? No. I didn't think you were really gonna be mad.

565. That backfired. Be mad at Rosa.

566. Worst morning ever.

567. Yeah, it was stressful, but we got the guy.

568. Surprised you two are taking it so hard.

569. We were talking about our lunch,

570. you self-absorbed son of a bitch.

571. Come on. Look at this bread.

572. It's completely inedible.

573. There's not even any soft parts

574. in the middle we can pull out.

575. Title of your sex tape? We cooked that lasagne for nothing.

576. Nothing! Okay.

577. But have you ever considered eating lasagne with no garlic bread?

578. We've...

579. Never done that before.

580. I guess maybe we could give it a try.

581. What do you think, Hitchcock?

582. What the hell.

583. I had a feeling something crazy was gonna happen today.

584. There you go.

585. It's almost ready.

586. Mama Magglione.

587. Mmm. Mmm.