Brooklyn Nine-Nine 5x9

1. I'll get back to you guys by the end of the day

2. with all the logistics.

3. Sergeant Terrance Jeffords,

4. four years ago on this exact date,

5. you told me I was too old to learn how to do the worm.

6. I vowed on that day to prove you a fool,

7. and today, I shall.

8. (ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING) Check it.

9. I'm on fire!

10. As I was telling the squad, our old C.O.,

11. Captain McGintley, just passed away.

12. Oh, no.

13. We're going to Los Angeles for the funeral next week.

14. I'll have the travel details later.

15. Hey, has anyone seen a worm?

16. Because this funky chicken's hungry.

17. Charles, a man has died. Read the room!

18. Oh, man. Sad day.

19. Sad day. It's crazy how different things were

20. when McGintley was Captain.

21. It was like the Wild West.

22. Oh, yeah, we had some fun. I didn't.

23. In every one of those photos, I look uptight and worried.

24. Meanwhile, everyone else looks like

25. they're having the time of their life.

26. That's because they're all stress-free,

27. not like us Type A's.

28. Jake, am I too high-strung?

29. I wouldn't say you're too high-strung.

30. You just are high-strung.

31. You know, your strung is what makes you strung.

32. You're strung strongly.

33. No, not anymore.

34. From now on, I'm gonna be super chill.

35. So, where's the party at?

36. Trick question. The party's right here, boy!

37. Oh, hello, Mrs. McGintley.

38. My condolences for your loss.

39. So, who do you got your eye on?

40. What? You haven't dated anyone

41. since you broke up with Pimento.

42. And funerals are a meat market.

43. Sadness is a powerful aphrodisiac.

44. No, it's not.

45. Then how come everyone cries during sex?

46. I'm already seeing somebody, Boyle.

47. Oh...

48. And just like that, things got interesting.

49. And just like that, I left.

50. Hello, Raymond. Oh, Chief Aggerton.

51. I didn't realize you'd be flying out for this.

52. I liked McGintley. He was fun to have a beer with.

53. There's nobody in this department

54. I wanna have a beer with anymore.

55. Yes, that's the problem with the NYPD.

56. So, I hear you're meeting with

57. the Commissioner on Monday morning.

58. Well, you didn't hear this from me,

59. but Commissioner's retiring next year.

60. They put a short list together of possible replacements,

61. and you're on it.

62. This is your first interview. Really?

63. What? Oh, my God.

64. What's going on? What's going on is

65. Captain Holt has an interview to become the Commissioner

66. of the freakin' NYPD,

67. and he's gonna nail it and fulfill his destiny

68. as Lord High Commander of all Justice.

69. Okay, let's not get carried away.

70. Who says I'm even interested in becoming Commissioner?

71. You, constantly,

72. including the first day I met you.

73. I'm interested in becoming Commissioner. Good to know.

74. Fair enough, but even so,

75. it's probably a long shot.

76. I mean, there are many names on the list.

77. Nope, just four.

78. Yeah, three major league jags and you.

79. Sir, you're the perfect candidate,

80. smart, well-respected, you smell great.

81. That has nothing to do with the job.

82. It's just something I've been meaning to tell you.

83. Is it sandalwood? Please calm down.

84. Right, totally. Don't wanna jinx it.

85. I don't believe in jinxes.

86. Great, then you won't mind me saying it's a lock.

87. You're definitely gonna get it and you're gonna smell even better

88. with that Lord High Commander of all Justice stank on you.

89. Let's do this!

90. I can't wait to get on the plane.

91. I used up my miles, and upgraded first class.

92. Damn, Sarge. This is gonna be great.

93. Sipping on a mimosa,

94. snacking on a hummus trio,

95. watching Bridget Jones's Baby.

96. Oh, GPS says turn left here. Turn left.

97. No, this route is more direct.

98. Oh, okay. You do you, Commish.

99. Please don't call me that. Okay, fine,

100. I'll just call you the 'Mish, no wait, Mishy Elliott,

101. no wait, Mish-es Doubtfire.

102. Oh, my God! (TIRES SCREECH)

103. What? What is it? Nakatomi Plaza.

104. It's the most important monument in all of America.

105. The building from Die Hard.

106. Can we go in? Can we pay our respects?

107. Ooh, our flight leaves in 3 and a half hours, and...

108. But it's like, what is time even?

109. Can we go in, sir? Fine, just make it quick.

110. Yes!

111. Pull in over there, Argyle! What?

112. That's the name of the driver in the movie.

113. We're going to Nakatomi Plaza. There's gonna be role-play.

114. Oh, my God.

115. It's even more beautiful than I imagined.

116. It's an empty floor that's under construction.

117. Just like in the movie!

118. Charles, this is the floor that John McClane ran on

119. with his bare feet.

120. Take my picture with it!

121. This is the window where John McClane said,

122. "Welcome to the party, pal." Take my picture with it!

123. This is the vent where John McClane said,

124. "Come out to the coast. We'll get together, have a few laughs."

125. Take my picture with it.

126. This is the space, where even though it's not really evident in the dialogue,

127. you can tell that John McClane realizes

128. that he should've been a better husband to Holly Gennaro.

129. Take my picture with it! Take my picture with it! Take my picture with it!

130. Take my picture with it!

131. But then he unclasps the watch and Hans falls!

132. That's a good one. That's a good one,

133. That's a good one. That's a good one. That's a good one.

134. Okay, all 600 of these are great.

135. We should probably head to the airport.

136. We have more time, if you need it.

137. There's literally nothing left for me to shoot.

138. All right, let's get out of here.

139. The door is locked.

140. That's strange, I thought the guard propped it open.

141. I'd kick my way out, but I think these windows are bullet-proof.

142. (GROANS) We're not getting any reception in here.

143. Guys, it's cool. We just gotta roll with it.

144. You know, travel should be like jazz.

145. Nuh-uh. There's a lie-flat seat waiting for me,

146. and I wanna be napping in it,

147. with a hot towel wrapped around my big bald head!

148. Help! All right, everybody just calm down.

149. I'm sure that guard will be back in, like, five minutes.

150. We're gonna miss our flight.

151. I should be sitting next to a semi-famous person

152. that I can't quite place right now.

153. Come on, don't give up.

154. If we get rescued right now

155. and there's no traffic at the airport

156. and the van return goes smoothly

157. and Security's super chill about all the guns we have,

158. we could still make it.

159. You guys okay up here? Yes! See?

160. I told you not to give up hope.

161. It's a miracle. We're still gonna make it!

162. Yeah, we missed our flight by a lot.

163. Yeah, but that's okay. We can get the next one.

164. Let's see, next flight... Canceled. Canceled.

165. Canceled. What is going on?

166. There are huge storms in the Midwest.

167. All flights are grounded.

168. Oh, man.

169. I know this is the wrong time to bring it up,

170. but we're standing 75 feet from where Argyle

171. picked up John McClane at the airport.

172. Take my picture with it.

173. Okay, we can't get out until Monday afternoon, at the earliest.

174. I tried everything. I begged. I pleaded.

175. I even told them that Scully was a Make-a-Wish kid with a rare disease

176. that makes him look like a giant old baby.

177. Did you call it Scullyosis?

178. Damn it, Rosa, that's really good and completely useless to me now.

179. They wouldn't even let me into a first class lounge,

180. since my flight had already departed.

181. I grabbed this and ran.

182. You're all that's left of my dreams now, Mr. Mint.

183. All right, stop hugging your mint.

184. We have bigger problems.

185. Captain Holt's Commissioner's interview is on Monday.

186. Can't he just reschedule? No!

187. He's gonna be up against the best of the best.

188. The slightest slipup could cost him the job, and...

189. But whatever, you know.

190. It is what it is, Daddy-O.

191. Look, Captain Holt helped us all achieve

192. our collective dream of going to Nakatomi Plaza.

193. Only you. Now it's time for us

194. to return the favor and help him achieve his.

195. Get him back to New York in time for that interview.

196. Now, we have until Monday morning, and it takes

197. 48 hours to drive from L.A. to New York.

198. We've still got time. No, we don't.

199. I checked with all the car rental agencies.

200. There are no available vehicles.

201. I'm just gonna have to call the Commissioner, cancel this meeting.

202. No, not on my watch.

203. We just have to think.

204. There's gotta be a way to get you back.

205. Got it! May I present to you the finest RV

206. that not much money can buy, The American Creeper.

207. No one should have to suffer like this for me.

208. Suffer? This is a dream come true.

209. It's a cross-country road trip.

210. My dad and I took one every summer.

211. You blast the Annie soundtrack,

212. and you eat junk food,

213. and you bond over secrets.

214. I'm not telling you who I'm dating.

215. All right, I'll take the first shift.

216. American Creepers, let's get creeping!

217. Hey, one hour down.

218. Victory honk. (PROLONGED HONK)

219. Oh, no. Oh, boy.

220. Horn's stuck.

221. (CLEARS THROAT) Nobody use the horn.

222. (ANXIOUS BREATHING) What you got there, Sarge?

223. I microwaved a bunch of wet napkins to make a hot towel.

224. Just because we're in a crappy RV

225. doesn't mean I still can't be First Class Terry.

226. Mmm.

227. Ah.

228. Just like the real thing.

229. Cheese puff, sir?

230. No, thank you. They're full of chemicals.

231. Well, yes, but everything's made with chemicals,

232. if you really think about it.

233. I suppose you're right. I am?

234. Let me try one. Oh.

235. It imploded in my mouth.

236. That's the magic of the puff.

237. You don't have to chew.

238. So, what are you gonna do when you're Commish?

239. I think you should focus on interagency communication and intel sharing.

240. Also, laser jails.

241. Let's not talk about things that may not happen.

242. Oh, I'd like to see an increase in vacation days.

243. And we should all get summers off like teachers.

244. Let the city go to purge.

245. Hey, Rosa, are you ready to go streaking?

246. What? That's what my dad and I

247. called getting blonde streaks in your hair.

248. We used to do it to our ponytails on road trips.

249. You just take a little lemon up top,

250. and let the sun do the rest.

251. We called it, "giving each other road head."

252. You just said you called it "going streaking."

253. It had a couple names.

254. Hey, speaking of names,

255. who's your new boyfriend?

256. Ow! Ow! Oh!

257. Oh, man, you really went to town on these cheese puffs.

258. Well, they're 80% air,

259. which is something your body needs.

260. Dallas? What the hell?

261. We were supposed to be in Louisiana by now.

262. We've been averaging 50 for 21 hours.

263. Unless...

264. Damn it! The speedometer's broken.

265. No wonder everyone was flipping us off.

266. I thought it was just racism.

267. Well, I'm sure it didn't help.

268. Yeah. I'm sorry, I don't think we can make up the time.

269. No, there's no way I'm letting you miss that interview.

270. We just have to make less stops.

271. Hey, guys, listen up, from now on,

272. we use the bathroom in the RV.

273. No! There are so many of us.

274. I know, I'm sorry, but it's the only way.

275. Me first!

276. Hey, guys, the door doesn't close all the way.

277. No peeking.

278. You guys didn't hear that, did you?

279. I'm still hearing it.

280. I'm never gonna stop hearing it!

281. Okay, new plan:

282. we go back to the old bathroom break schedule,

283. and we just drive at max speed.

284. Captain, punch it. Punch it.

285. Why are you not punching it?

286. I'm not comfortable operating this vehicle at a speed greater than

287. the prevailing road and traffic conditions.

288. Fine! I'll do it myself.

289. This is going great.

290. I'm already used to the bouncing and shaking.

291. I smell smoke. Really?

292. All I smell is residual Scully.

293. I definitely smell smoke.

294. Pull over right now.

295. Well, I checked everywhere.

296. Nothing's on fire. Nothing's even smoldering.

297. We just wasted ten minutes for no reason.

298. You know what, Captain, I think you're right.

299. I do smell smoke.

300. So, bottom line this thing for me.

301. How long is it gonna take to fix?

302. It's still on fire.

303. She's gone, Jakey.

304. She's creeping her way to heaven.

305. Let's be honest, she's creeping her way back to hell.

306. All right, guys, we have to focus, and think of a new plan

307. for getting Holt back for his interview.

308. Now, all we've lost is our only mode of transportation.

309. And our clothes and food!

310. All I have left is this first class mint,

311. and none of you get to eat him!

312. Well, perhaps we should just focus

313. on finding a place to sleep tonight.

314. I might have a solution for that.

315. How far is it to Mansfurd, Texas?

316. Like, half an hour. Great!

317. I have cousins there, Becca, Tommy, and Steve.

318. There's a Boyle on every state.

319. Texas Boyles. I'm excited.

320. Do they wear bolo ties and cowboy hats?

321. Nope, still just beige on tan.

322. Steve, Tommy, Becca! Becca is a man.

323. Oh, thank you so much for letting us stay here.

324. I love you. I love you.

325. I love you. I love you.

326. God, it is so nice to meet you guys!

327. Is this a working cattle ranch?

328. Oh, yes. This is a stud farm.

329. We are the cow insemination kings of Central Texas.

330. Of course, you are.

331. We have sleeping bags for you guys here in the great room.

332. If you hear what sounds like screaming,

333. that's just cow intercourse.

334. (COWS MOOING) Now we're all sleeping in one room,

335. next to a cow orgy.

336. I would much rather be hanging out with you.

337. What are you doing, Boyle? Just brushing my hair.

338. Not you, Becca. I was talking to Charles.

339. I was just bringing you some water.

340. Thanks. Mmm-hmm.

341. So, uh, who you talking to? Is that your mystery hunk?

342. Babe, are you all right? Is everything okay?

343. Yeah, it's fine. I'll call you back later.

344. Was that a woman's voice?

345. It's my sister.

346. Wait, she called you babe.

347. When my cousin called me babe,

348. you said relatives shouldn't do that.

349. What's really going on?

350. I'm dating a woman.

351. I'm bi. Oh...

352. That's great.

353. That's great, Rose.

354. I just want you to know that I totally support...

355. I don't wanna talk about it right now, okay?

356. Just leave it alone, Boyle.

357. By all means.

358. Not you, Becca!

359. Okay. I love you.

360. I love you, too.

361. Can't sleep either, huh?

362. This cow screaming is so loud.

363. So loud.

364. Is it a pleasure sound or pain?

365. Maybe they're into both?

366. I hear they're into leather.

367. Was that a joke? Gallows humor.

368. Being in this bovine brothel is truly a nightmare.

369. Hey, I'm sorry that things didn't work out.

370. I know you always hoped that you'd be Commissioner.

371. No. Over the course of my career,

372. I've learned that it's best not to have hopes.

373. Sir, that is so sad.

374. That's like saying it's best not to have dreams.

375. I only have one dream a year, always on Tax Day.

376. In it, I must file an extension.

377. So, yes, it is best not to have dreams.

378. Well, I still wish I could've got you back in time.

379. Why do you care so much about this?

380. I don't know, it's your dream,

381. and, you know, you changed my life,

382. made me wanna be a better man, or whatever.

383. Thank you for trying.

384. But deep down,

385. I always knew I'd never be Commissioner.

386. All my dreams start with

387. my step-sister painting her house.

388. And they end with the house looking great?

389. No. Sex.

390. Guys! (CLAPS) Guys!

391. Wake up, wake up, wake up. Up, up, up! Come on!

392. What's going on?

393. Captain Holt, I know you've given up on your future,

394. but I haven't.

395. You're going to that interview.

396. It's too late, Peralta.

397. Just put a sock in it, man!

398. I'm doing this because of how much I care about you,

399. so just stay the hell out of the way!

400. But we're too late to drive,

401. and there's no available flights.

402. That's what I thought, but on the way here,

403. we passed the town of Jacksboro.

404. I knew I recognized it from somewhere.

405. Where? Sorry, are you monologuing,

406. or is this a call- and-response thing?

407. No, that was great.

408. Now, I order a lot of beef jerky online,

409. because I'm a cool guy with cool interests,

410. and it's always shipped from Jacksboro, Texas.

411. There's a huge fulfillment center there.

412. There is? Yes, Charles.

413. I called them, and they ship their packages

414. out of a regional airport.

415. They do? That's too much. Maybe back off a little bit.

416. Passenger planes don't fly out of Jacksboro,

417. but thing planes do!

418. You mean cargo planes? Yes, thank you.

419. Terry gets to interject?

420. The point is, we get to fly on the back of a cargo plane to Philadelphia.

421. When do we have to be in Jacksboro?

422. In an hour and a half, so get up and get ready.

423. Well, we've been in these clothes since Friday.

424. We smell like butt. And all our stuff exploded.

425. Right, good point.

426. Uh, I guess we'll just have to borrow some.

427. Oh, no. From who?

428. No sleep till Brooklyn!

429. We look so cool right now.

430. I feel like we're in a Mervyn's commercial.

431. Yeah, Mervyn's!

432. Is this cattle trailer safe?

433. Who cares, it's fun.

434. Yeah, it's terrifying,

435. but it doesn't matter, because we're almost to the airport.

436. What? No, why?

437. Just because we're eight people

438. standing in the back of a cattle car?

439. Nah, I don't care about that.

440. We got a tip saying there were drugs being moved

441. in the back of a gray bovine transport unit.

442. Well, this is terrible.

443. Wait a minute, who called this tip in? It's impossible to say.

444. They said the drugs were in the back of a bovine transport unit.

445. Who calls it that? Everyone.

446. That's what they're called.

447. Yeah, if you're a robot,

448. and you're the only robot I know, sir.

449. (ROBOTIC INFLECTION) Bovine. Transport. Unit.

450. Meep-morp. Zeep.

451. This is preposterous. What are you implying?

452. Let me see your phone. I wanna see your call history.

453. No. Let me see it!

454. No, no! Get away! Give it to me!

455. Guys, come on. Break it up!

456. Ah-ha!

457. Twenty-five minutes ago, outgoing call to 911.

458. You sabotaged us, Mr. Robot!

459. Not the TV show, but the point is, you sabotaged us!

460. Terry, would you do the honors?

461. (YELLS) Why?

462. You called the pigs on us?

463. I don't know how this happened.

464. Perhaps it was a bottom dial.

465. Liar. The reason you said you knew you'd never become Commissioner

466. is 'cause you were making sure of it.

467. You've been sabotaging us from the beginning.

468. Oh, please.

469. You drove by Nakatomi Plaza on purpose, didn't you?

470. You knew I would see it and go insane and have to go inside,

471. and then you trapped us in there, didn't you?

472. Didn't you?

473. Fine. I did.

474. Over here is the elevator where McClane put the

475. "now I have a machine gun, ho, ho, ho" down.

476. Take my picture with it!

477. And there were plenty of rental cars at the airport,

478. weren't there? Hundreds.

479. And you broke the speedometer. And what else?

480. Did you somehow force Scully to stink up the RV

481. so we'd have to stop more often?

482. It wasn't difficult.

483. Three corn dogs for 99 cents?

484. Who could possibly eat three corn dogs

485. and has a dollar?

486. Oh, my God.

487. Did you blow up the Creeper?

488. Not on purpose. (ALL GROAN)

489. Once I realized your revolting cheese puffs

490. were made with some extremely unstable chemicals,

491. I deposited a few in the gas tank.

492. I thought they'd shut the engine down.

493. I didn't realize they'd ignite it.

494. You really shouldn't eat those, Peralta.

495. Don't tell me what to do, saboteur.

496. How dare you make me this upset while I'm wearing this outfit?

497. Look, we've been busting our asses the whole weekend

498. to try and get you back to New York in time,

499. and for what?

500. Is it all just a lie?

501. Is there even a Commissioner's meeting.

502. Are you even Captain Holt?

503. Do you even have a dog named Cheddar?

504. There's a Commissioners meeting,

505. and I do have a dog named Cheddar.

506. Then why'd you do it?

507. I'm compromised.

508. I made a decision a while ago,

509. and now some people are holding it over my head.

510. I'm afraid of what they'll ask me to do

511. if I become Commissioner.

512. You're compromised?

513. How did this happen, Mr. Prevailing Traffic and Road Conditions?

514. It doesn't matter.

515. Seamus Murphy.

516. What? Seamus Murphy, the gangster.

517. He offered me info that would get you and Rosa out of prison,

518. in exchange for a favor.

519. And Holt told me to turn it down,

520. because he said it was too risky.

521. But you didn't turn it down, did you, Captain?

522. No, I did not.

523. Wait, so you risked everything to get me and Rosa out of prison?

524. Oh, my God. You did all of this for us?

525. I love you, Da... aptain, Daptain.

526. It's the cool new way of saying Captain.

527. It's from the world of hip-hop.

528. Love you. (SNIFFLES)

529. Sir, why didn't you tell us?

530. I didn't want any of you entangled in this.

531. This is my decision, and it's also my responsibility.

532. Sir, with all due respect,

533. the first thing that you taught me

534. when you came to the Nine-Nine is that we're a team,

535. so your responsibility is my responsibility too.

536. And mine. And mine.

537. And mine. And mine.

538. And mine.

539. Six people seems like a lot.

540. I mean, at some point, it's just too many cooks.

541. And mine.

542. You're gonna take that meeting,

543. you're gonna get the job, and you're gonna become Commissioner,

544. and we'll all figure out what to do about Murphy.

545. I'm touched.

546. But it's moved. We've missed the cargo plane.

547. And now there's no way to get back in time for me to make my meeting.

548. Nuh-uh. Amy?

549. What up, bro? I need you to climb back on that strungness ladder,

550. and I need you to climb pretty high.

551. How high? Remember that time

552. we went to the deli for cold cuts,

553. and the ticket machine was broken,

554. so you found out what time everyone arrived

555. and made them get in a single-file line

556. from earliest to latest?

557. Yeah. Higher.

558. Copy that.

559. You might wanna stand back for this, sir.

560. It can get pretty intense.

561. All right, you mooks, our union health plan

562. has 100% reimbursement for out-of-state ambulance rides.

563. Scully will fake a medical emergency.

564. Don't need to fake it. Always having at least one.

565. Great. You call an ambulance, and have it take us here to Monroe, Louisiana.

566. The ambulance can drive 25 miles over the posted speed limit,

567. so we'll get there by 9:00 p.m.

568. There's a small airport there, mostly servicing crop dusters.

569. Of course, they can't take passengers,

570. but thanks to a loophole in H.R. 377551,

571. police officers are allowed to commandeer any plane

572. in the interest of national security.

573. The crop duster will land at an airstrip

574. outside of Finksburg, Maryland.

575. We'll take a cab to Baltimore,

576. jump on the 6:48 a.m. train to New York, arriving at 9:26.

577. Kevin will meet us at Penn Station with a fresh Captain's uniform.

578. From there, it's a 29-minute cab ride to One Police Plaza.

579. You change on the way, and we should get to your meeting

580. with five minutes to spare.

581. Stop clapping, you idiots! We gotta move, move, move!

582. (MUMBLES) I love her.

583. No sleep till Brooklyn!

584. No sleep till Brooklyn!

585. Yes! We did it!

586. I can't believe we did it!

587. Peralta, thank you

588. for not quitting on me.

589. Of course, sir. Go get 'em.

590. Wait, wait! Just one more thing.

591. Your first class mint?

592. I know how important this is to you.

593. You know what really makes a trip first class?

594. It's not the extra leg room or the complimentary drinks...

595. Actually, Terry, we don't really have time for a speech right now.

596. Fine, your breath sucks! Just pop it and go!

597. It's good to be home.

598. Uh-buh-buh-buh-buh!

599. Drink this instead.

600. A mimosa!

601. Made with First Class Champagne.

602. That's the brand name. It's from Arkansas.

603. I hope it's good.

604. Hell yeah! Really?

605. No, it's terrible, but I really appreciate the thought.

606. Oh, I'll take it.

607. Hey. Hey.

608. So, I didn't say anything about being bi,

609. because I didn't think it was anybody's business.

610. And I also didn't want anything to change.

611. I get it. I'm sorry I was so nosy.

612. It actually felt really good

613. to tell somebody on the squad, finally.

614. I'm glad it was you. All right.

615. Also, now we go back to never talking about my love life again.

616. Uh, request denied. Is her name Anne? Meredith?

617. Kim? Erica? Moana?

618. Captain Holt! It's official.

619. My hat is in the ring for Commissioner.

620. I still don't know how we're gonna deal

621. with the Murphy complication.

622. Two words, laser jails.

623. But, you know, we'll figure it out.

624. Nine-Nine!

625. Nine-Nine!