Brooklyn Nine-Nine 5x22

1. I can't believe this is a rec center.

2. It looks amazing. You look amazing.

3. Foxy as hell. Simmer down, Boyle.

4. No, no, I love it.

5. Amp it up, Boyle. Happy to.

6. Jake, your body's kicking

7. and skin is clear as a summer day.

8. Ooh!

9. Jake. Ames, you look beautiful.

10. But when are you getting your makeup put on?

11. Y'all, she woke up like this.

12. Not now, Jake. We're in crisis mode.

13. The cake hasn't arrived yet.

14. Mason woke up with the chickenpox,

15. so we don't have a ring bearer.

16. Plus, look what I found on my veil.

17. Ooh. I planned everything

18. so perfectly, and now it's all falling apart.

19. No, it isn't. Take a deep breath.

20. All right, we got this.

21. Terry, Rosa, will you please take this veil to a dry cleaner.

22. And if they won't do a rush job, make them. Use force.

23. I mean, we're not gonna abuse our power.

24. Of course not. We're good cops.

25. I was just exaggerating.

26. Rosa, I was not exaggerating.

27. Great.

28. Okay, now for the ring bearer situation.

29. This actually might be a blessing in disguise.

30. I know that he's your nephew,

31. but I wasn't super jazzed about Mason.

32. Yeah, he should be cuter.

33. His face is too small for his head.

34. He's a Dick Tracy villain.

35. But I have an idea for a new ring bearer

36. who is very adorable

37. and very obedient. I would be...

38. I'm talking about Cheddar the dog.

39. Yep, right. Brilliant.

40. He loves responsibility. I'll go pick him up.

41. I'm gonna go with Holt.

42. Seems like people are pairing off for adventures

43. and we have the best rapport.

44. Cheddar? Are you crazy?

45. What about my... Allergies?

46. Got your meds right here.

47. I brought them just in case

48. Hitchcock decided to wear his toupee again.

49. It's very clearly not human hair.

50. Human hair is indistinguishable

51. from badger fur.

52. That is absolutely not the case.

53. But that reminds me, you two,

54. our wedding band canceled last minute,

55. and I need you to find a replacement.

56. You can count on us.

57. Flattop and The Freak. We always deliver.

58. Our band canceled? Not in any way, shape or form.

59. But it's a very stressful day and I thought things would

60. go better without Hitchcock and Scully here.

61. Aw, that's so smart.

62. Look, babe, we planned a great wedding.

63. It's gonna be a perfect day.

64. Phone call for you sir. Ah, thank you.

65. That would be the cake guy saying he has arrived.

66. Hello? Jake Peralta?

67. Yes? There's a bomb at your wedding.

68. It's set to explode at 5:30.

69. Everyone inside will die.

70. So, that was not the cake guy.

71. Okay, we called the bomb squad

72. and got everyone out of the building.

73. We should leave. Who would do something like this?

74. Well, I clearly have an arch-nemesis.

75. Finally. Must be someone I put away

76. who's hell-bent on revenge.

77. He's probably gonna make me choose between

78. saving the city and saving the woman I love.

79. Little does he know, I can save both.

80. How are you so calm right now?

81. Someone is trying to blow us up.

82. I'm calm because there's not really a bomb.

83. I mean, if you're trying to kill someone,

84. you don't call and give them a heads-up.

85. So they're just trying to scare us?

86. Yeah, but it doesn't matter. The bomb squad's on their way.

87. They'll do a quick sweep, find nothing and split, and

88. this will just become a funny story we work into our vows.

89. "Amy, there was a bomb at this wedding.

90. "Ya butt. Ya butt is da bomb."

91. Please don't say that during the ceremony.

92. Is it that you don't like wordplay or

93. you don't want me to talk about your butt at all?

94. Because one of those notes is really gonna pull a thread.

95. How did this guy even find out about the wedding?

96. The stupid engagement announcement

97. Charles put in the paper!

98. It had the time and location of the ceremony.

99. Amy, be very careful about throwing around accusations

100. like that, because if you're trying to say

101. I somehow ruined Jake's wedding,

102. then I'm gonna kill myself!

103. So tread lightly.

104. Okay! Just take it easy, Charles.

105. Nothing is ruined.

106. See? The bomb squad is already here.

107. And they brought a robot.

108. This is exactly how I imagined

109. my wedding would be when I was a kid.

110. Well, well, well.

111. Amy Santiago. Amy, look.

112. Your ex-boyfriend is here on our wedding day.

113. Why? This is my crew.

114. Yeah, you called me boring, so I leveled-up my cool.

115. And now I run the bomb squad. I also started traveling.

116. I went to Belgium. They have the best spaghetti.

117. Teddy, let's get everything out on the table here.

118. Last time we saw you, you kind of proposed to Amy.

119. So you're not still in love with her, right?

120. No, I definitely am.

121. My therapist told me to stop trying to get over it.

122. Oh, weird that you wouldn't hide it even for your own pride.

123. But seriously, don't worry. I'm a cop.

124. I have a job to do, and I'm gonna do it professionally.

125. That's great. I'm happy to hear that.

126. Meaning I will be doing

127. a super thorough sweeping of the building.

128. It's gonna take hours, so you should

129. probably just cancel the wedding.

130. Anyway, congrats you two.

131. Congrats on the bomb squad.

132. Charles! Right.

133. So are you bringing someone to the wedding?

134. No, I'm taking a break from dating for a while.

135. What?

136. I'm sick of asking people how many siblings they have.

137. Oh, is it somewhere between zero and two?

138. How fascinating.

139. But you never know when you're gonna find your dream person.

140. Anyone on the street could be they.

141. All right, it feels like you Googled

142. "how to talk to your bisexual friends."

143. Yeah. Look, the point is

144. you can close yourself off all you want.

145. The universe will find a way.

146. That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

147. Car's here.

148. Hi. I'm here to pick up Rosa.

149. Are you the one I'm looking for?

150. Now, Cheddar, when I give the signal,

151. you go directly to where the bride and groom will be.

152. Here we go.

153. Hup. Hup. Hup. Hup.

154. Good boy. Good, Cheddar.

155. How did that look? Very weird.

156. You're not gonna trot by the dog at the wedding, are you?

157. No, of course not. I'll be officiating.

158. You'll be the trotter. Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.

159. Oh, my. What?

160. I just got an email from the mayor's office

161. telling me if I'm the next commissioner of the NYPD.

162. Well, well, well, finally something to care about today.

163. What's going on, guys?

164. Someone called in a bomb threat.

165. Seriously?

166. Is this because of Boyle's stupid engagement announcement?

167. Yes. No!

168. They won't let us back in the building.

169. But there's not really a bomb, so it's just temporary.

170. What about you guys? Did you get the veil?

171. Terry has it. I do?

172. Oh, no, I left it in the car!

173. It's not my fault. The driver was so hot.

174. Not for me, for Rosa.

175. She was clearly flirting with her.

176. Oh, I know, I'll just call the company and bring her back here.

177. And then who knows what'll happen?

178. Wait a minute, did you do this intentionally

179. so I'd have to see that girl again?

180. No! That's crazy.

181. This is Jake and Amy's wedding. I would never do that.

182. But you gotta admit, it does seem like

183. the universe is pushing you two together.

184. Terry! Right, right.

185. Look, we'll go find the veil.

186. I can't believe this is happening.

187. Don't worry about them. Let's go check on Teddy.

188. I'm sure he's made a ton of progress.

189. Nope. Haven't even gone in yet.

190. Still putting on the bomb suit.

191. Yeah, my job is super dangerous,

192. but I like living life on the edge.

193. Which is kind of sexy if you think about it.

194. There's no bomb.

195. If they wanted us dead, they wouldn't have called first.

196. It's not always the bomber who calls.

197. Maybe he had a young daughter, found a key to a secret room,

198. came across some blueprints, felt guilty,

199. and wanted to save your life.

200. Seems unlikely. Well, Amy,

201. in this life, it's sometimes the unlikeliest outcomes that...

202. Feels like you're winding up to propose again here.

203. I was. Good catch.

204. Amy, would you... No!

205. You still did it. All right.

206. Well, this is gonna take a while,

207. so you have time to reconsider.

208. Off to do my super dangerous job.

209. I can't handle this. I need a cigarette.

210. I knew that you would, so I came prepared.

211. Nicotine patches.

212. You just put it on your shoulder and...

213. Whoa, stuck it right on your face, huh?

214. I want it as close to my brain as possible.

215. That's unsettling. All right, listen up.

216. I think I know how to fix this.

217. All we have to do is figure out who my arch-nemesis is,

218. track him down and get him to admit to Teddy

219. that there's no bomb.

220. We have three hours to save this wedding.

221. That's good. I love you so much.

222. I love you too. Wait.

223. You're talking to the nicotine, aren't you?

224. I can love two things.

225. Look, I was told to drop off

226. one Nakatomi Plaza wedding cake at 2:15.

227. Yeah, but they won't let us inside the venue,

228. so can you please take it away and bring it back later?

229. Sorry, ma'am, I can't. I have other deliveries.

230. Man, it's gonna melt in the sun.

231. Don't worry, Amy,

232. I'm gonna keep it chilled with my cool breath.

233. Oh, my God, the cake looks amazing!

234. Charles, why are you spitting on it?

235. Because I didn't ruin your wedding.

236. Okay.

237. Were you able to trace the number

238. that called in the threat? Yes.

239. It was a burner, but they caught it pinging off a cell tower in Fort Greene

240. one block away from the last known address

241. of Frank Gillespie. Who?

242. I arrested him for armed robbery in 2008,

243. and he got out of Rikers a year ago.

244. He's got be my arch-nemesis.

245. He's definitely obsessed with me.

246. Just 'cause you arrested him?

247. Well, we didn't have enough evidence against him

248. at first, so let's just say I had to get a little creative.

249. You framed him? What? No. Ames.

250. I went undercover and became best friends with him.

251. And then he told me about his lymphoma,

252. and we ran a 10K together, and then I arrested him.

253. He felt so betrayed. The trial was very emotional.

254. All right, let's go talk to him.

255. That must be our guy. Hey, great attitude, Ames.

256. You're handling this really well.

257. Ah, there they are.

258. All right, she should be here any minute.

259. Her name is Alicia. Switch with me.

260. That's your good side. I have a bad side?

261. Oh, damn, you didn't know?

262. All right, can we just focus on finding the veil?

263. Really, it's not a big deal.

264. I'm sure it's in her car.

265. Oh, there she is.

266. Do you mind if I slyly mention you're single?

267. Do not do that. You won't even notice.

268. Hey, you needed to see me again?

269. Rosa's single. What?

270. Ignore him. We left a dry cleaning bag in your back seat.

271. Oh, uh, I didn't see anything, but you can take a look.

272. The veil's not here, Rosa. We're so screwed!

273. Hold on. Don't freak out.

274. Rosa!

275. What the hell are you doing?

276. What? You were the one that said...

277. That was before the veil went missing,

278. when life was breezy!

279. Why is this so heavy?

280. 'Cause you made them do an all-frosting interior.

281. Oh, yeah. I can't wait to eat it.

282. What are you guys doing here?

283. Well, Gina, there was a bomb threat.

284. Teddy won't let us in the building

285. and we had to get our cake out of the sun

286. and now you're in charge of it so we can go find my arch-nemesis.

287. All right.

288. Thank you very much.

289. Everything okay? Don't know.

290. They only said "Gina" once,

291. and it was kind of in the beginning.

292. Huh. Did you read the email?

293. Are you the commissioner?

294. I haven't opened it yet. What?

295. Today is Peralta and Santiago's wedding.

296. I don't want to make it all about me.

297. So you're scared to open it? Don't be absurd.

298. I simply want everyone to focus on

299. the bride and groom, and not on whether

300. my lifelong dream, which I spent decades working towards,

301. has collapsed in front of my eyes,

302. leaving me untethered in this world

303. and unsure of my very future with the NYPD.

304. All right.

305. Okay. Gillespie's apartment is right over here.

306. This is exciting. We're gonna catch my arch-nemesis.

307. Do you think he has a shrine of photos of me with the eyes scratched out?

308. And let's not rule out the real possibility that it's entirely sexual.

309. Oh, man. That will be super-upsetting and so cool.

310. I know it's amazing... Okay, okay. Focus up.

311. Let's do this. Right. You look great.

312. NYPD.

313. Hello? Is there a problem?

314. We're looking for Frank Gillespie.

315. Frank? He died a year ago.

316. What? What happened? Well, his lymphoma came back.

317. But really, it was the loneliness that killed him.

318. Somebody hurt him, and he just

319. couldn't make friends after that.

320. So it seems like he died because of me.

321. Just gonna lock that up in a little box in my brain

322. and never open it.

323. Hey, do you remember Dario Moretti,

324. that money launderer I arrested?

325. He lives right around here too.

326. So? He hated me.

327. What if this is the work of my arch-nemesis and not yours?

328. So you're suggesting I'm not involved in this at all?

329. I mean, you hear yourself, right?

330. That's a bit of a stretch. Yeah, Amy.

331. Are you actually mad that someone might not hate you?

332. Yeah, I am, Amy!

333. Oh, wow, that's a bad color on me, isn't it?

334. All right, fine, we'll check out your guy

335. and I'll be totally fine with it if it's him.

336. Oh, man, you got a whole shrine!

337. Even the eyes are all scratched out.

338. Babe, when we're married, we're gonna share everything.

339. Bank accounts, health insurance, arch-nemeses.

340. Aww, that's nice, Ames,

341. but you don't have to say that.

342. Charles, will you put this picture of me up on the wall?

343. Copy that. You want the eyes scratched out?

344. Uh, you know I do.

345. Lieutenant Wells! Where is Teddy?

346. Hi, Jakey. Aunt Linda.

347. What are you doing here? How'd you get past the police barricade?

348. Well, I moved them.

349. Now, I know I was supposed to come here solo,

350. but I had to invite my friend Barb.

351. She was so down in the dumps.

352. Yeah, that's all fine. Don't worry about it.

353. Actually, you know what? That's not fine.

354. Barb can't be here. You can't just add someone day of.

355. Oh, hey guys, what's up?

356. Teddy, meet Dario.

357. He has a wall full of Amy photos,

358. and he's the one that made the bomb threat.

359. And I'm Aunt Linda.

360. Okay, Aunt Linda, I love you but you gotta go.

361. Okay? Thank you. Give us a moment here.

362. All right, Dario, tell Lieutenant Wells

363. what you told us.

364. Okay, I've hated Detective Santiago

365. since she arrested me, and then I saw

366. that engagement announcement in the paper.

367. But you could have figured out where the wedding was

368. even without that, right?

369. No, I was trying.

370. I had totally given up, really.

371. Oh, God, what have I done?

372. Anyway, I made the threat, but there's no bomb.

373. Just like I've been saying all along.

374. Now, can we please go back in the venue?

375. First of all, there's nothing inherently creepy

376. about a wall of Amy photos.

377. Uh-huh. Secondly,

378. I'm not gonna just take this guy's word

379. for it that there's no bomb.

380. Why not? He's the one who would know.

381. So you think a cop should just stop what they're doing

382. as soon as a criminal tells them they didn't do it?

383. Oh, my God! That is actually a really good point.

384. So I only had one passenger after you, and he got off here.

385. Well, what did he look like? I don't know.

386. I mean, he was wearing some dumb hat.

387. I'm sorry, I know that's not helpful...

388. All hats are dumb.

389. Ha!

390. What the hell? Is that your laugh?

391. Also, quit vibing, and help me solve this.

392. Sorry, man. It's what the universe wants.

393. Screw the universe. The universe is a dick.

394. Maybe it fell out when he got out of the car.

395. Wow, you are so smart.

396. Oh, oh, yep, yep, yep. Here it is.

397. Uh-oh. It's kind of dirty-looking.

398. But, you know, that's why they put it in a dry cleaning bag.

399. I'm sure everything inside is totally...

400. Nope. Soaked in urine.

401. Damn it, New York.

402. Kay, you've been staring at your phone for 45 minutes.

403. Just read the email. What if it's bad news?

404. Sir, do you know how many times

405. I've not gotten something that I wanted?

406. How many? Zero.

407. Because I have a trick.

408. Whatever that email says,

409. you just act like that's what you wanted all along.

410. Well, I can't fake it. I want this job.

411. For years, I've worked nights and weekends.

412. I've sacrificed friendships.

413. I've jeopardized my relationship with Kevin.

414. And now,

415. to find out if it was all in vain.

416. Yeah, let's not check it.

417. It feels like there's a lot on the line.

418. Agreed. Let's just grab Cheddar and go to the wedding.

419. Where is he? Cheddar?

420. Cheddar!

421. Cheddar the dog!

422. Oh, he ate the cake.

423. Oh, Cheddar, you furry little pig.

424. Okay, Amy.

425. I got through every room and I cleared them very fast,

426. because I love you and I want you to be happy,

427. even if it's with somebody else.

428. Did that new tactic work? No.

429. You just called it a tactic.

430. Can we get in the venue or not?

431. Not quite yet. There's one more vent

432. we can't get into, and our snake cam broke.

433. We got another one on the way. It'll be here in about six hours.

434. What? No. We need it now.

435. People are already here. I'm sorry.

436. The vent is very tight, and no one

437. on my team can get into it.

438. I've been doing a lot of Pilates

439. so I'm pretty huge at this point.

440. I'm going in.

441. What? Look, this is all my fault.

442. I put the announcement in the paper

443. and ruined this day.

444. And now I'm gonna be the one to fix it.

445. Get ready, you two.

446. I'm about to save this...

447. Bomb! There's a bomb!

448. Damn it, Dario. Why'd you say there was no bomb?

449. Because I wanted to kill Amy.

450. Then why did you call in the threat?

451. I didn't. My daughter found my hidden room

452. and discovered some blueprints.

453. Yes, fine, Teddy. You were right.

454. Now can you please get the bomb out of the vent

455. and dispose of it somewhere?

456. Honestly, I wish we could.

457. But it's too dangerous to move.

458. We have to diffuse it on site.

459. I have to evacuate this entire block.

460. It's gonna take all night. Wait, so you're saying...

461. Wedding's off. For real, it's over.

462. Jakey, what's this that I hear that there's no rabbi?

463. Not now, Aunt Linda!

464. Okay, so we just finished processing Moretti.

465. Did you talk to our parents? Yeah.

466. They ended up having dinner together.

467. It sounded like they had fun. Our dads only got in one arm-wrestling match.

468. Who won? Neither.

469. They both threw out their shoulders.

470. What a disaster.

471. Yeah. But, look, I know

472. it seems like everything sucks, but

473. why don't we just get married tomorrow?

474. You know, we won't have a venue or a band

475. or any of our guests, but we could go to city hall.

476. Jake, do you really want to get married

477. in the same place people go to get restraining orders?

478. Amy Santiago, I would marry you any time, any place.

479. I would marry you in the steaming filth of the Gowanus Canal.

480. Sweet. But also, gross.

481. I would marry you on the G Train in the summertime

482. when the air conditioning is broken.

483. Damn, really?

484. I would marry you on top of the Empire State Building.

485. Well, that sounds kind of nice.

486. During a King Kong attack.

487. Oh, yeah, that's not good.

488. Okay. City hall it is.

489. No! I was eavesdropping.

490. I'm always eavesdropping. I don't like it.

491. Look, I didn't spend the last seven years

492. watching your love ripen, only to have it

493. sullied by a city hall wedding.

494. You're getting married right here, right now.

495. What? Come on.

496. Boyle, I don't even have a dress.

497. You can wear Gina's. I'm sure it's white.

498. There's no way Gina was gonna wear

499. a white dress to my wedding.

500. No, I definitely was.

501. What? I thought you'd just wear

502. a grey pantsuit or something.

503. I would never wear a grey pantsuit to your wedding,

504. I promise you that.

505. This is happening. Jake and Amy are getting married tonight.

506. Title of my sex tape! What?

507. Whoo! Yeah. Whoo. All right.

508. I got a lot to work. Lot of work...

509. What... Give me a half hour! Whoa!

510. Wow. You look beautiful.

511. Thank you. This dress is incredible.

512. Gina, this would have been so crazy

513. if you wore this to our wedding.

514. I know.

515. Hey, Amy, I know I ruined your veil,

516. but I made you a new one.

517. It's a shower curtain. Uhh...

518. Yep, Terry fumbled the task.

519. But we got you a bouquet.

520. Wow. That's gorgeous.

521. Thank you. Where did those come from?

522. Alicia found a florist in the city that was still open and picked them up.

523. All right.

524. Keep it in your pants. Okay, here we go.

525. Jake, Amy, let's go downstairs.

526. It's wedding time!

527. So here it is.

528. I really hope you like it.

529. But if you don't, I will kill myself.

530. Charles, it looks amazing.

531. It's beautiful.

532. How can I ever repay you?

533. Get pregnant.

534. Use your body to give the world more Jake.

535. Holy crap. All right.

536. I'm gonna take Charles away from you now.

537. I will see you up there.

538. Wait! Stop everything. We're here.

539. Where have you guys been?

540. You sent us out to find a band.

541. Right. I definitely remember doing that.

542. It took a while, but I think we really nailed it.

543. Check this guy out. We found him on the subway.

544. Hey, I know you. You're Melipnos.

545. No. We have never met.

546. No, I'm pretty sure we have.

547. You sell me horse blood? No.

548. Would you like to buy horse blood?

549. No. You know what?

550. Maybe we don't need music for this.

551. That's totally fine, we can just skip that part of it.

552. Guitar.

553. Holy crap. Melipnos plays like an angel.

554. Amy, we're a go!

555. Hey, Melipnos. I don't know you.

556. Okay.

557. Please be seated.

558. Friends, colleagues,

559. gawking New Yorkers,

560. we are here today to celebrate the marriage

561. of Jake Peralta and Amy Santiago.

562. I've known you both for the last five years.

563. And it has been a true pleasure to watch

564. your distracting childish rivalry

565. evolve into a distracting childish courtship

566. and now into what I'm sure will be

567. a distracting childish marriage.

568. I'm proud of you.

569. And I love you both.

570. Permission to say it back? Permission granted.

571. I love you too, sir. Love you, Captain.

572. Now I believe you've prepared your own vows?

573. Yes, I was going to do

574. an Addams Family-themed rap,

575. but my beat-boxer isn't here.

576. That's the only reason it's not happening.

577. So, Ames,

578. today has been a crazy day.

579. But I shouldn't be surprised,

580. because we've had a lot of crazy days.

581. There was our first date,

582. our first kiss,

583. the first time you told me you loved me,

584. and the day you told me you would marry me.

585. Also, yesterday,

586. and the day before that, and the day before that,

587. because every single day that I get to be with

588. someone as amazing as you is crazy to me.

589. I love you.

590. And I'm worried about dancing in front of our friends.

591. The end.

592. Okay, well.

593. I've been planning this wedding for the last six months.

594. And if you told me yesterday

595. everything that was gonna go wrong,

596. I would have had a panic attack that sent me into the ER.

597. But I'm here,

598. and I've never been happier.

599. Life is unpredictable.

600. Not everything's in our control.

601. But as long as you're with the right people,

602. you can handle anything.

603. And you, Jake Peralta,

604. are the right person for me.

605. But I do have some bad news.

606. There is a bomb at this wedding as well.

607. What? Your butt. Your butt is the bomb.

608. There will be no survivors.

609. I love you so much. You're my dream girl.

610. I love you too.

611. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you.

612. Ring bearer, please, bring the rings.

613. But I thought Cheddar was sick...

614. Oh, my God.

615. You got the robot. There's a robot at my wedding.

616. Yeah, I felt bad about how everything went down today,

617. so I offered to help. Oh, that's nice.

618. Also, are you guys doing that thing where someone gets to

619. object to this union, or is that later?

620. We're not doing that. You've outsmarted me.

621. Congratulations. Okay.

622. Moving on.

623. Do you, Amy Santiago,

624. take Jake Peralta to be your husband?

625. I do.

626. And do you, Jake Peralta,

627. take Amy Santiago to be your wife?

628. I absolutely do.

629. By the power vested in me by the state of New York,

630. I'd like to announce

631. that your honeymoon vacation request status

632. has officially been moved from pending to approved.

633. You're married. You may kiss the bride.

634. Congratulations once again to Jake and Amy.

635. And now that everyone's here,

636. I have an email that I need to open.

637. All right, weirdo, not something we usually

638. announce to the squad.

639. It says if he got the commissioner job.

640. Oh, my God! What?

641. He was too scared to read it all day.

642. I was, until I heard something very wise tonight.

643. Life is unpredictable.

644. Not everything is in our control.

645. But as long as we're with the right people,

646. we can handle anything.

647. So I'd like to receive this news with all of you.

648. He quoted me. Okay, here we go.

649. Well, from the look on my face,

650. I'm sure you can guess what it says.

651. No! We have no idea at all.

652. Just tell us, you monster!