Brooklyn Nine-Nine 5x20

1. Jake, hurry up, I'm starving.

2. Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

3. I just had to grab my wallet...

4. Gentlemen.

5. Fine, I was trying something, and it didn't work!

6. Okay, before we get going,

7. Sgt. Jeffords has suggested that it would improve morale

8. if we started the meeting

9. with some consensual non-work jabber.

10. I just said it might be nice if you checked in

11. on the squad's personal lives every now and then.

12. Exactly, jabber. Scully, go.

13. Well, it was just a regular morning for me.

14. Woke up again with my dog's butt on my mouth.

15. This experiment has failed. Back to work talk.

16. Peralta, I have a case for you.

17. Uh, that's a no-can-do, sir.

18. Excuse me? Oh. Sorry.

19. I didn't mean to come across like a rabble rouser.

20. We're just simply unavail.

21. We have a meeting at a new multi-agency,

22. multi-state task force.

23. It's a double multi. It's a multi-multi.

24. You're better at everything than I am.

25. Don't say that. It is what it is.

26. They're taking down a street racing gang

27. that's been using souped-up cars

28. to transport drugs across state lines.

29. It's a real-life Fast and the Furious movie.

30. Don't those movies glorify lawlessness?

31. No. They glorify family and loyalty

32. and big, hard boobs on both men and women.

33. And guess who's heading up the task force?

34. Sgt. Boomer Maxwell!

35. Oh! Damn!

36. Boomer Maxwell? What kind of name is that?

37. Is he a football player and/or Rugrat?

38. Dude, he's an NYPD legend.

39. I heard he took down three serial killers in one week.

40. I heard he defused a bomb with his teeth

41. because his hands were tied up.

42. I heard he bangs constantly.

43. Hitchcock, no chime-ins for you.

44. Well, good luck.

45. I know how competitive these task forces can be.

46. Especially this one. Because Boomer's amazing.

47. In bed. Come on, Hitchcock!

48. Oh, hey! What are you doing down here?

49. Upstairs bathroom's broken. I think Scully did it.

50. He says he hasn't been in the women's bathroom,

51. but who else would leave a whole

52. rotisserie chicken in there?

53. Did you ask Gina to submit a work order?

54. Yes, but she hasn't done it yet.

55. She views doing her job as "optional."

56. Well, I'm glad it's broken, 'cause it's nice to see you.

57. Now, get in that stall and kill it in there.

58. What? Sorry. I'm a manager now,

59. so I'm trying to be more motivational.

60. Oh! So it's totally cool for detectives

61. to come down here and take dumps in our bathroom?

62. Excuse me, Officer, you need to check your tone.

63. Sorry, Sarge, but we're all sick

64. of detectives looking down on us.

65. I bet you don't even know my name, Rosa Diaz.

66. Okay, look.

67. I get that there's always been tension

68. between uniformed officers and detectives,

69. but Rosa is one of the good guys.

70. I'm sure she knows your name.

71. You clearly just texted her the answer.

72. No, she didn't. Della Avocado.

73. It's Alvarado. Stupid auto-correct.

74. I knew you were still one of them.

75. We all knew.

76. Great.

77. Now I'm caught in a turf war

78. between my new squad and my old squad.

79. I know this is a big deal for you as a manager,

80. but I gotta pee real bad.

81. Right. Right, right, right. I believe in you.

82. Teach that toilet a lesson!

83. Oh, my God.

84. These guys are the best of the best.

85. What, are you nervous? Yeah! Very. You?

86. I mean, I was, but then I looked

87. at Boomer's personnel file.

88. We both started in the same precinct,

89. we both took down drug gangs our first year as detectives,

90. and we've both been referred to as... El Ganador.

91. Oh, that's weird.

92. I've never heard anyone calling you that.

93. Well, they will soon. The point is,

94. I'm basically a young Boomer Maxwell.

95. Oh, you guys didn't hear?

96. Boomer's not running the special unit anymore.

97. He shattered both his legs

98. jumping off the Chrysler Building

99. onto a passing garbage truck during a chase.

100. Damn, that is so cool.

101. They say he'll never walk again.

102. Oh. Well, that's very sad.

103. But also still cool. He's gonna be an Ironside!

104. Wait, if Boomer's not doing it,

105. who's running the task force?

106. Detective Brett Booth from Six-Three.

107. Oh! Cool, cool, cool.

108. Uh-oh. That was your worried "cool, cool, cool."

109. Who's Brett Booth?

110. We were in the academy together.

111. During a training exercise, I shot him with a rubber bullet

112. and somehow it got underneath his goggles

113. and hit him in the eye.

114. It kind of messed up his depth perception.

115. Oh, but that was a long time ago.

116. I'm sure he's totally fine now

117. and he's forgotten all about it.

118. Well, well, well.

119. If it isn't Jake Peralta, my old...

120. Rogers!

121. It happened again!

122. I told you to keep the walkways clear!

123. You're gonna regret this, Peralta!

124. Argh!

125. Stupid Brett Booth not letting us

126. on his task force.

127. Just because you blinded him in one eye.

128. His other one works just fine.

129. No, I mean, the water cooler thing was pretty bad.

130. Yeah, he can't see. You know what, screw this.

131. We don't need a task force to work the case.

132. All we have to do is solve it before Booth is done

133. with his interviews in two days.

134. That's impossible!

135. You know I hate the word "impossible"

136. unless it's immediately followed

137. by the words "Ghost" and "Protocol."

138. Shh. Be advised.

139. We have a shooting or something

140. going on in Brooklyn Heights. What's going on?

141. There's an active shooter in a hotel in Brooklyn Heights.

142. Requesting additional units, squad dispatch.

143. Multiple casualties.

144. ESU is en route, and nearby officers

145. are responding to the scene right now.

146. We have people running.

147. Advising six or seven shots fired.

148. Numerous civilians coming this way.

149. Warwick, 9238, show me going.

150. OFFICER 1:9238, I have you going.

151. Hilbert, 9825, show me going.

152. OFFICER 1:9825, I have you going. What are they saying?

153. "Show me going" and their badge number.

154. They're telling dispatch that they're close by

155. and they're responding.

156. Diaz, 3118, show me going.

157. Diaz? Rosa Diaz?

158. That's her badge number.

159. Rosa's there.

160. So there's limited information about the situation

161. in Brooklyn Heights,

162. but I did manage to speak to a captain at the Nine-Seven,

163. who offered an update.

164. Do we know how many shooters?

165. Two, possibly three.

166. Again, the situation's still developing,

167. but as of now, there are three dead

168. and multiple wounded, all civilians.

169. So we're going up there, right?

170. To help Rosa?

171. ESU is on the scene,

172. and the Nine-Seven is locking down the area.

173. It's already a zoo.

174. They wanted us to remain on alert,

175. but not to respond.

176. Yeah, but that's just a suggestion,

177. like how they tell you to drink

178. eight cups of water every month.

179. A day. Sarge, come on. This is not

180. the time for jokes. No, it wasn't a suggestion.

181. We've been ordered to go about our business as usual.

182. I know you're all concerned about Rosa,

183. but she's not going in alone.

184. She's part of a massive NYPD response.

185. And it's Rosa, right?

186. I mean, she's a badass.

187. She's the toughest of all of us.

188. No offense, guys.

189. No, that's accurate. Very fair.

190. I could take her. What? I'm wily.

191. I promise you, I will keep you updated

192. if I learn anything.

193. In the meantime, you all have jobs to do.

194. Dismissed.

195. Ames. She's gonna be okay.

196. I know.

197. I love you.

198. Love you too.

199. Are you done trying to get into Amy's pants?

200. What? I'm sorry. I'm freaking out.

201. Look, I'm worried too,

202. but spiraling isn't gonna help anything.

203. We can't go up there, so the best thing we can do

204. is try not to think about it.

205. How are supposed to do that?

206. Well, it's called compartmentalizing.

207. Not to brag, but when you come from a broken home,

208. you get pretty good at it.

209. It's like, "Hey, whose bra is that

210. "in the back seat of my dad's car?

211. "I'm sure it just blew in there on accident.

212. "Anyways, off to third grade!"

213. I can't. I dwell on everything.

214. I'm a dweller. I wake up every morning,

215. I'm worrying about the Zika virus.

216. Why is nobody talking about Zika anymore?

217. There's no way it's fixed!

218. Okay, look. We'll just ignore what's going on together.

219. Okay? Let's focus on the case.

220. Let's become street racers.

221. Okay, Charles.

222. How do I look?

223. So cool. How do I look?

224. Uh... You definitely made a choice.

225. You almost look like... Speed Racer?

226. Right? This is exactly what he wears!

227. And the best part is...

228. I can use the kerchief to start the race!

229. Well, I wanted this op to feel normal and it does.

230. This is quintessential Charles.

231. Okay. Let's go over the backstories. I can start.

232. Actually, it's maybe better for me to go first

233. so you can make some internal edits

234. before you say yours out loud.

235. Perfect. After you. Great.

236. My name is Axel Richards.

237. I've been driving stolen cars since I was six years old.

238. Wow, that's young. Oh, yeah.

239. I had to use a Wiffle Ball bat to just reach the gas pedal,

240. and I never learned to use the brakes.

241. That sounds so dangerous.

242. Not if you know what you're doing.

243. Great response. Thank you.

244. Anyways, things went south when I got addicted to drugs

245. after my best friend died in an active shooter situation.

246. Oh, I see what I did there.

247. Hey. What are you doing in here?

248. Holt's scanner was making me anxious,

249. so I came in here to listen to some calming music.

250. It's me singing the song I wrote.

251. Subway girl

252. Gettin' all the looks

253. Holdin' onto your

254. Big pile of books, yeah

255. Listen. I was thinking, Rosa seemed pretty annoyed

256. about the broken toilet up here,

257. and since she's having a rough day,

258. I thought it would be nice

259. if we got it fixed for her before she got back.

260. And you came to me 'cause I'm the only one

261. who ever gets anything done around here.

262. And because you were supposed to get it fixed last week,

263. so this is kind of a second chance for you.

264. This is a time of crisis, so we're supposed to be

265. lifting each other up.

266. Why don't you call that plumber I've been asking you to call

267. for a few hours now?

268. All units, hold your positions.

269. Any news, Sergeant?

270. Uh, last I heard, they've located one shooter,

271. but they can't get to him.

272. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were on the phone.

273. Oh, just on hold. What's up?

274. I just wanted to check in to see if you were all right.

275. I couldn't help but notice that you've flattened your mouse.

276. Sorry. I get crushy when I'm nervous.

277. If there's anything you want to talk about,

278. my door is always open.

279. Metaphorically.

280. In reality, I often keep my door closed,

281. for privacy, security, climate control...

282. You know what? I never even should've used a metaphor.

283. I'm better than that.

284. If there's anything you want to talk about,

285. please do so now.

286. There is.

287. I'm so scared for Rosa.

288. And I realized, I haven't looked at

289. my life insurance policy since Ava was born.

290. I'm on hold with them now.

291. Terry needs a bulkier plan!

292. Look, I get that you're worried

293. about your own mortality.

294. Perhaps this fact will comfort you.

295. As an NYPD officer, you're more likely to be

296. crushed by scaffolding than to die on the job.

297. Oh, God.

298. This is a city of scaffolding!

299. No, no, Sergeant, I was only trying to point out

300. that there are millions of potential ways to die.

301. Do you know how common choking is?

302. What are you doing, man?

303. Yeah, so this won't be a problem.

304. I can pencil you in tomorrow.

305. Oh. Uh, we kind of need you to fix it

306. before our friend gets back today.

307. I'm sorry, it's gonna take a while,

308. and I have other appointments.

309. Well, can you cancel them?

310. I didn't want to do this, but our friend is a cop,

311. and she's caught in a Brooklyn Heights shooting right now.

312. Oh!

313. So you think you're the first people

314. that ever needed a toilet fixed

315. 'cause a loved one's life was in danger?

316. Yes?

317. You're not. Welcome to New York.

318. Well...

319. That's a grim commentary on the city we live in.

320. Refresh. No news. Refresh. No news.

321. Why is there no news?

322. Charles, come on. Compartmentalize, remember?

323. Try and think happy thoughts like the Shrek musical.

324. Come on, Jake, you know they shut that down.

325. The health board said there was too much mud on the stage!

326. Yeah, probably for the best. All right, that didn't work.

327. How about this? Let's clean up our desks.

328. Right? That's always good for a distraction.

329. Oh, no. Rosa gave me this notepad.

330. I remember I was all, "Anyone got a notepad?"

331. And she said, "Yep, here."

332. Oh, my God, that's so Rosa. I know.

333. Okay. So, before you can change a policy,

334. I'm gonna have to ask you a few medical questions,

335. check your vitals.

336. Great. Just do it fast.

337. Terry knows tomorrow's not promised.

338. Okay. Then let's start with your blood pressure.

339. We can skip this part.

340. I always clock in at 130 over 80.

341. Terry's in tiptop.

342. Shots fired. Shots fired!

343. What? Is anybody hurt?

344. I don't know. Oh, man.

345. And your BP's at 290. Oh, 350.

346. You broke the machine.

347. All right, screw this.

348. There were shots fired.

349. I just got off the phone. There are two officers down.

350. Neither one of them is Diaz.

351. What, are we supposed to wait until one is?

352. Sir, we have to go up there. We have to help Rosa.

353. ESU has more than enough manpower,

354. and we have been ordered to stay in this precinct

355. by the commissioner.

356. So what?

357. He's not a part of our squad. He doesn't care about her.

358. Look, I know you're concerned about Diaz, as am I.

359. Nevertheless, I am ordering you to stay in this precinct.

360. Fine.

361. I understand that's your order.

362. What'd he say? Doesn't matter.

363. I'm gonna go help Rosa.

364. Okay, I'm going up to the scene of the shooting,

365. and I need your help.

366. I can't sign tactical gear out of the armory

367. without Holt's approval. That's our mission objective.

368. First things first. Let's synchronize our watches.

369. These don't work. They're just status symbols.

370. Okay, we'll use our phones,

371. which are connected to the internet.

372. I don't get the internet with my Netscape Blip.

373. Let's just use the regular clocks.

374. At 3:34, I'll go into the armory

375. and hand the officer in charge a list of items.

376. Then, at 3:35, you two will cause a distraction

377. that draws Holt into the bullpen.

378. When Holt's not looking, I'll sneak into the office

379. and answer the phone when the armory calls

380. asking for approval,

381. fooling them with my spot-on Holt impression.

382. I'm Captain Holt.

383. Yeah, I don't know, something feels off.

384. He sounds too white. Here's how you do it.

385. No, no, that's okay! Luckily I have a backup plan.

386. I got the Holt soundboard app from Gina.

387. I'm. Raymond. Holt.

388. Get. Some. Get. Some.

389. Man, soundboard Holt is so horny.

390. Anyways, Hitchcock and Scully, to distract the captain,

391. I'm gonna need you to get in a fight.

392. Us? The buddies? How would that even work?

393. You guys are adorable.

394. But we don't have time for this, so figure it out!

395. Okay, so that plumber was useless.

396. But we are two smart and capable people

397. who can definitely figure out how to fix a toilet.

398. Of course we can.

399. The internet will tell us what to do.

400. She always does.

401. Yes!

402. I'll just search "toilet videos."

403. Ugh! So much porn!

404. Probably should've been more specific.

405. "Person fixing broken toilet." More porn.

406. How about this? "Instructional video

407. "from a plumber on how to fix an actual toilet."

408. Still porn! How is that still porn?

409. Okay, you know what, this isn't rocket science.

410. All right? The first thing we gotta do,

411. shut off the water supply.

412. Did I do that?

413. That's an Urkel reference, from the show Family Matters.

414. Do you remember that?

415. Hey, there. I want to check out some gear.

416. All right.

417. Okay. Get ready.

418. It's showtime. What?

419. Hmm? Oh, I just said... I have Showtime.

420. The cable channel.

421. Mmm. Must be nice.

422. Scully and Hitchcock are just looking at each other.

423. I'm a little worried they're not gonna be able...

424. You son of a bitch!

425. Okay, we're a go.

426. Argh! Ooh!

427. Oh, my God, they're in a penis punch 69!

428. Ooh! Ahhh!

429. Hey, hey, hey!

430. What's going on? Why are you fighting?

431. Well, he punched me in the nuts,

432. so I punched him in the nuts,

433. so he punched me in the nuts,

434. so I punched him in the nuts.

435. But why? You still haven't told me why.

436. Um... Um...

437. Ooh!

438. Okay. I just need to get Holt's approval.

439. Go for it.

440. This. Is. Holt. Hey.

441. It's Officer Wilg at the armory.

442. I got Peralta here.

443. He's signing out body armor and a long gun.

444. Is he all clear?

445. Yes. Approved.

446. Thanks. Oh, hey, Raymond.

447. Can't wait for you and Kevin to come over and meet the baby.

448. We still on for Thursday, right?

449. Screw. That.

450. I'm sorry, I thought you wanted to meet baby Carol.

451. Her surgery was such a success.

452. Screw. That. Screw. That.

453. Get. Some. Good. Bye.

454. Ah. What a weirdo.

455. Anyways, thanks for the gun.

456. Okay.

457. That should work.

458. The hose thing was disconnected from the pipe thing,

459. so the tub thing wasn't filling.

460. Now we just have to turn this back on.

461. And test it.

462. Wait, first, let's say a prayer.

463. Dear Beyoncé, Solange, Rihanna,

464. someone cool that's white,

465. Cardi B, please bless this flush.

466. A-woman.

467. Okay.

468. Ah! It works.

469. We did it!

470. Uh, what's that weird noise?

471. It doesn't sound good.

472. No, no, no. It sounds fine.

473. That's totally normal. We fixed it.

474. Oh, damn.

475. Gah! Going somewhere?

476. Fine, yes, you got me.

477. So how'd you know I was sneaking out?

478. I got a couple of very angry texts from Officer Wilg

479. accusing me of "hating" my own goddaughter.

480. How close are you with Colin from the armory?

481. Let's focus on the real question.

482. Why are you disobeying an order from the commissioner?

483. I'm clearly the good guy here.

484. All right? If this was a movie, no one would be on your side.

485. You're basically the guy in Ghostbusters

486. who lets all the ghosts out.

487. There's no such thing as ghosts.

488. Exactly. Now, if you'll excuse me,

489. I'm gonna go help Rosa.

490. How? This isn't a movie.

491. You're not gonna rush onto the scene

492. and single-handedly take down all the bad guys.

493. I might. My gun is pretty big.

494. It barely fits in the car.

495. You want to be a hero?

496. You want to actually get something done?

497. Your friends and colleagues right here

498. are struggling, and they need you.

499. I did everything I could. I tried to distract me

500. and Charles all day long, and it didn't work.

501. They don't need to be distracted.

502. They need someone to help them face their fears

503. and deal with the reality of the situation.

504. Okay, great. So why don't you do it?

505. I tried, but it didn't work.

506. I'm not particularly skilled at emotional jabber.

507. I was hoping you would step up.

508. And I was hoping to actually do something valuable

509. like help Rosa.

510. So are you gonna stand in my way or not?

511. Okay, I think I got it.

512. Just have to tighten this here,

513. and here we go.

514. Please work.

515. Come on.

516. Come on!

517. Flush, you stupid son of a bitch!

518. Argh!

519. Wow. Bitches really do be crazy.

520. Sorry. We should just give up.

521. This was such a dumb idea.

522. Yeah, it would only matter if we actually thought

523. Rosa was coming home today.

524. We should keep going, right? Definitely.

525. Also, it's fun to watch you get destroyed by a toilet.

526. Hello?

527. You know what, I'm trying to keep this line open,

528. so I don't have time for your bull crap.

529. Goodbye, Mom.

530. I'm so sorry, how's your penis?

531. Sore. How's your penis?

532. Sore. I'm proud of us.

533. Still too high. Okay. What if I cut myself?

534. Just to let some of the blood out?

535. I'm sorry, but I can't stay here all day.

536. I have other things to do.

537. You a traveling nurse, man. Don't big-time me.

538. I'm sorry. Look, it's been a tough day.

539. Hey, everyone, I got pizza.

540. Grab a slice.

541. It's probably gonna be a really long night,

542. and none of you have eaten anything.

543. Peralta, why are you back so soon?

544. Because I wanted to do something.

545. Hey, guys. How're you holding up?

546. I mean, not great, but I know

547. you really don't want to talk about it.

548. No. We should talk about it.

549. I'm really scared for Rosa.

550. Me too.

551. And it keeps making me think about my kids.

552. I mean, how do I deal with the fact

553. that every day I leave for work,

554. I might not come home?

555. Man, I don't even know, Terry.

556. I don't have kids yet, but I know you love them.

557. And I feel like that's all you can really do, right?

558. I mean, now that I'm getting married,

559. I keep thinking if something happens to me,

560. it'll actually affect someone else.

561. I'd get over it eventually, after a lot of therapy.

562. I was more talking about Amy, but, yes, you too, Charles.

563. Hey, look at that.

564. 130 over 80.

565. Back to normal.

566. I can get out of your hair now.

567. Nice.

568. Told you, Andrew.

569. Terry's in tiptop.

570. Thanks, Jake.

571. Captain. I know you don't eat pizza,

572. but I figured you'd want to be included.

573. Uh, thank you.

574. You know what would make a great movie?

575. One where the hero sits with his friends

576. and they talk about their emotions.

577. I know that you're just being nice right now,

578. but that would be a terrible movie.

579. I mean, what would the poster even be?

580. Just a bunch of people's faces?

581. Guys. Guys, guys, guys.

582. They just took both shooters into custody.

583. Officers got injured in the action.

584. They don't say how many.

585. Call Diaz. Get her cell.

586. Damn it.

587. It's still just going to voice mail.

588. Okay. I don't have the names of the injured officers,

589. but if Diaz is unharmed,

590. she should be contacting us shortly.

591. Or, if her phone is dead,

592. perhaps she'll be walking out the elevator at any moment.

593. Come on, Scully!

594. You can't be doing stuff like that, man!

595. I was just making a copy downstairs.

596. Yeah, well, next time, think.

597. About what? I don't know!

598. Okay, Jake. Come on, man. Go easy on him.

599. Diaz! Rosa!

600. You're okay! Where'd you come from?

601. Felt like walking, so I took the stairs.

602. Also, I thought it'd be funny to mess with you guys.

603. Rosa, you know I hate pranks.

604. You love pranks. I do. I really do.

605. You did it so good.

606. Were you guys worried about me or something?

607. No.

608. So what happened? Did they shoot at you?

609. Were you in the thick of it?

610. It's been a really tough day.

611. I just want to get a beer.

612. I don't feel like getting into it.

613. Are you sure? Because the journey

614. I went on today taught me

615. that sometimes it's best to talk about things...

616. Jake. Right. It was a stupid idea.

617. And Holt told me to do it, so...

618. Let's just go get a drink and sit in total silence.

619. Perfect. First, I gotta go to the can.

620. Actually, you might want to check out

621. the ladies' room up here.

622. Hey, Rosa, it's me, Gina Linetti.

623. Welcome back.

624. Me and Amy made a little surprise for you,

625. and I think you're gonna like it very, very much.

626. Come on, girl.

627. Ta-da!

628. You made it sound like you fixed the toilet.

629. Yeah, I thought maybe Amy would've

630. pulled something together in the two minutes

631. I stepped outside.

632. Hey, Gina! Look what I stole from the Barnes and...

633. Oh, my God, Rosa! I'm so happy to see you!

634. Wait, are you covered in toilet water?

635. Yes, big-time. But this is happening.

636. Ugh. Fine.

637. I kind of feel like I'm lurking.

638. Gina, get in here.

639. Yay!