Brooklyn Nine-Nine 5x15

1. Santiago, your test results from the sergeant's exam have arrived.

2. Ooh, everybody make room.

3. Amy needs adequate space to do her signature dork dance.

4. I don't know if there's going to be a dork dance.

5. I mean, look how small that envelope is.

6. That's not a big, good news envelope.

7. That's a little, bad news envelope.

8. What? That's nuts. Sarge, tell her envelope size

9. doesn't matter. If I'm being honest,

10. I got a much bigger envelope. Oh, God.

11. Unhelpful, Terry. Very unhelpful.

12. Mine was bigger, too. Okay.

13. I just won't ever open it.

14. That way, I'll never get rejected.

15. Fine, I'll open it. No!

16. Oh, whoa!

17. Do it harder.

18. I opened it.

19. You passed. Oh, my God.

20. I'm going to be a sergeant.

21. You're going to be a sergeant!

22. Yes!

23. Oh, no, it's happening

24. Whoo!

25. Yeah! That's my future wife!

26. So...

27. Amy Santiago, put down that melon,

28. for you are about to feast your eyes

29. on one of the most delicious cases in the NYPD.

30. I don't like the personality I've chosen here.

31. I do. You sound like Caesar Flickerman

32. welcoming new Hunger Games tributes to the Quarter Quell.

33. What's going on, Jake? In one week,

34. you will officially become a sergeant.

35. Which means this case will be the last one

36. we ever work together as detectives,

37. so it has to be perfect.

38. I present to you a serial arson case.

39. Mmm-hmm. And the fires seem to be

40. connected to the Saturday crossword puzzle.

41. Mama like. Two different buildings,

42. two consecutive Saturdays,

43. and a puzzle left at each crime scene,

44. and a note was sent to the puzzle's author,

45. Mr. Melvin Stermley. Melvin Stermley?

46. He's the best in the game!

47. He made a puzzle once where all the answers

48. were just the word "puzzle" in different languages.

49. In Estonian, it was moistatus. Yeah, well, your moistatus

50. is about to be hecka moist...

51. Don't call HR, we are getting married.

52. Because Melvin Stermley is coming in

53. to help us with the case! Sha-wing!

54. Hey, I was going through your calendar for some reason.

55. It's your job. Right.

56. Anyhoobs, I wanted to remind you about the commissioner

57. candidate meet and greet, and your presentation

58. to the selection committee.

59. Being that I am your campaign manager...

60. You are not. I did a little sleuthing

61. on your rivals. You want me to spill the beans?

62. Why would you ever intentionally spill beans?

63. They're one of nature's most densely packed protein sources,

64. and they remain unsullied by flavor.

65. Okay, forget it, I'll just mosey on out.

66. Fine, fine, tell me everything.

67. All right, have a seat. It's Gina time.

68. Say hello to your compe-tish.

69. Bryan McCann, John Kelly, and John Kelly.

70. Yes, that's right, there are two John Kellys.

71. How are these not the same man?

72. You should see their wives. Or should I say, wife.

73. Good God, do you know what their speeches are about?

74. I do.

75. "Staying the course."

76. "Maintaining the course," and

77. "Blazing a path to a new future."

78. I'm kidding, it's "Remaining on the course."

79. Unbelievable, none of these men

80. have any interest in advancing the NYPD.

81. That's right, because they're dinosaurs.

82. But do you know what kills dinosaurs?

83. Asteroids? No.

84. You-steroids.

85. You are going to kill these dinosaurs.

86. Hey, hey, dum-dum. What are you thinking?

87. Introducing Amy to her celebrity crush?

88. Are you insane? Relax, Charles.

89. It's not a crush, it's her nerdy crossword puzzling hero.

90. I mean, the guy's got to be a massive dork.

91. His name is Melvin Stermley, for God's sake.

92. Jake, he's here. Come meet Melvin.

93. Hey, you can call me Vin.

94. But, where is nerd?

95. Whoa, is this a new detective car?

96. It sure is, I put in the paperwork

97. 18 months ago, and got lucky. They fast tracked it!

98. Say hello to the Nine-Nine's brand-new, fully loaded,

99. sweet-as-hell crime-crusher on wheels!

100. Holy crap, it has a heads-up display

101. with built-in license plate reader.

102. Who cares. It's got two burrito holders.

103. Those are cup holders, Scully.

104. Oh, yeah? Then what am I supposed to use my thighs for, genius?

105. Wait, who are you assigning this car to, Sarge?

106. Um, I was actually thinking I'd get this one.

107. Seriously? You suck.

108. Whoa, the heater in my detective car

109. hasn't worked in two years. I don't have enough body fat

110. to keep warm, Terry's sick of shivering.

111. Okay, just seems a little selfish

112. to keep it for yourself when your detectives,

113. who you took an oath to protect,

114. are stuck driving their crappy old cars.

115. Mine's the oldest. I've never felt so abandoned.

116. And I was actually abandoned. They found me in a swamp.

117. Fine. We'll do a drawing for it.

118. But until then, no one touches it.

119. Oops, too late.

120. I left a ranch handprint on the windshield.

121. Okay, so here are your puzzles

122. from the days the arsonist set the fire.

123. This is really good, Amy, thanks.

124. Hey, so Vin, just curious. Would you say you have

125. the typical physique of a puzzle maker or...

126. Well, each puzzle only pays a couple hundred bucks,

127. so I mostly make my money modeling.

128. Primarily swimwear. Yeah, I hear that.

129. I could do that too, but I make pretty good money here,

130. so I don't really need to.

131. Anyways, let's talk about the case.

132. So here's the letter that the arsonist sent to Vin.

133. "Your clues I discombobulate to teach you to conjugate,

134. "the fool who fails to validate will watch as I conflagrate."

135. It seems like he's using my crossword to tell me something.

136. Oh, maybe we should look at anagrams of the answers.

137. That's really good, "O nasty amiga!"

138. O what?

139. He re-arranged the letters of "Amy Santiago."

140. He anagrammed me! Vin, do Jake Peralta.

141. I doubt that's even possible. Eat a jerk, pal.

142. What, no one's ever said that phrase.

143. I really think this anagram approach makes a lot of sense.

144. Seriously? Let's do it.

145. I'll take even clues, you take odds.

146. Great, and I will take everyone's coffee order.

147. That's equally helpful. I don't drink coffee.

148. But I'd love a kombucha. Great, I'll just

149. walk to the kombucha store.

150. Everything okay? Yeah, of course.

151. You can't wear a coat over a tank.

152. You're not Ryan Gosling. Feeling jealous, buddy?

153. No, not at all. I mean, I am a little surprised

154. that somebody named Melvin is so bodacious,

155. but I feel that jealousy is an ugly emotion.

156. That you are feeling. And I'm just glad

157. that Amy is spending some time with her hero.

158. Who is super hot. Charles, let it go.

159. And smart. I'm serious, stop.

160. And hilarious.

161. Eat a jerk, pal!

162. So, how's it going in here?

163. Vin, I see you're still coatless.

164. I run hot, like a wolf. Oh, I see.

165. I wonder if the word "conjugate"

166. in the arsonist's letter means we should focus on

167. the verb answers. Cool, I love verbs.

168. Second favorite part of speech. After prepositions.

169. Yeah, words are cool.

170. But maybe we should switch gears a bit,

171. and get back to some good old-fashioned police work.

172. What are you thinking? Well, whoever's setting

173. these fires is clearly trying to humiliate Vin.

174. You know, make a puzzle he can't solve.

175. So maybe we should focus on people that don't like you.

176. Jake has a point about motive.

177. Maybe another puzzler wants to take you down.

178. Well, if you're looking for a puzzle head,

179. I'm hosting a crossword night at the Turnkey Bar tonight.

180. Oh, I've always wanted to go there.

181. That place is a total puzz-hang.

182. Ah, gross, all right, so we'll go undercover,

183. chat some people up, and see if we can't find our arsonist.

184. Good idea. Oh, Amy likes my plan.

185. Great, so, Vin, why don't we just get this coat back on you,

186. and I'll help you get out of the door, here.

187. And we'll see you tonight, okay, bye!

188. The best. Right?

189. Yeah!

190. Wow, the competition looks even older in person.

191. What do you think these dinosaurs are talking about?

192. Where to find Mattock reruns?

193. Be professional, Gina.

194. Like the homecare nurses

195. who will tuck them into bed tonight.

196. Oh, hello, John. Raymond.

197. I just want to say what an honor it is

198. to be up for the same job

199. as a man with your... Experience.

200. Thank you.

201. I paused suggestively before I said "experience,"

202. so he would know it wasn't really a compliment.

203. Who are you talking to? I invented the pause.

204. Raymond Holt, I'm Captain Olivia Crawford.

205. I'm the new candidate for commissioner.

206. Oh? Excuse me?

207. Yeah, I replaced the other candidate.

208. He retired to spend more time with his grandchildren.

209. Anyway, I just wanted to say what a privilege it is

210. to be up for the same job as a man with your... Tenure.

211. Oh, damn. She paused, dude. In error, I am certain.

212. Olivia, I may be older than you,

213. but I am not some dinosaur

214. intent on maintaining the status quo.

215. For example, I would add a social media officer

216. to every precinct. Interesting.

217. I plan on eliminating precincts all together.

218. What, no precincts? That's not how we do things.

219. That's exactly what both John Kellys said.

220. Oh no, she's the asteroid.

221. And I don't want to say you're a dinosaur, but...

222. You're a dinosaur.

223. Wow, a whole crowd full of puzzlers.

224. Gotta be honest, I'm a little disappointed

225. no one's wearing a green suit covered in question marks.

226. That guy has crossword puzzle pants.

227. Does that scratch your itch? Very much so, thanks.

228. All right, we should probably start talking to people on line.

229. Pardon me there, fellow puzzler.

230. What do you think of Melvin Stermley?

231. Uh, you mean my future husband?

232. Oh, so you like his puzzles?

233. And his face, body, and brain and body.

234. Honestly, Vin makes all other men

235. seem really stupid and ugly.

236. Okay, well, thank you for your

237. very candid and hurtful input.

238. You must solve one of Vin's puzzles to enter.

239. Rearrange the letters of this phrase

240. to reveal a place in the world.

241. Oh, come on, there's no place with that many letters in it.

242. I mean, most places are, like, four letters.

243. You know, park, mall, dump... United Arab Emirates!

244. You may enter.

245. Uh, you must each answer a puzzle.

246. Oh... Great.

247. Unscramble the letters in this phrase

248. to reveal the name of a film based on a classic novel.

249. Okay. "Sad anus loser, I go in."

250. You know, I feel like these puzzles are actually very pointed.

251. Forget it, I got this.

252. Uh, A, R, uh...

253. Puzzle solved.

254. Who's the anus loser now?

255. It's still me.

256. Okay, one of us is about to get access

257. to the best detective car ever, and everyone else

258. will go back to driving junk cars

259. for the rest of your junk lives.

260. Damn, Sarge, that took a dark turn.

261. I want seat warmers. I want them bad.

262. I need this car too.

263. I'm sick of riding my Vespa to work every day.

264. Well, being on the seat behind you is no picnic either.

265. All right, here it goes.

266. What?

267. Oh, my God, it says "Terry." I won!

268. Terry got a car Terry got a car

269. No way. You cheated.

270. What? I didn't cheat.

271. I bet every slip in there says Terry.

272. He filled it full of fake people.

273. Who the hell is Norm? That's Scully's first name.

274. Stop being sore losers.

275. I won fair and square.

276. No, you won unfair and un-square,

277. and I'm going to prove it. And if we can't,

278. we'll plant it. No.

279. Charles, I need your help. What's the best way

280. to dry out a pant leg that's

281. been soaked in toilet water? Wait 28 minutes.

282. Trust me, that's how long it takes for toilet pants to dry.

283. Well, I can't just be standing around

284. for half an hour while Amy chats it up with Vin.

285. Ah, so it's not toilet water.

286. You're drenched in jealousy.

287. I told you before, jealousy is an ugly emotion

288. that I don't feel. Besides, Amy picked my plan

289. to come here. Why would I be jealous of Vin?

290. Because of his body, and face, and brain and body.

291. Why does everybody say "body" twice?

292. Oh, hang on a second.

293. Somebody's coming Vin is on fire tonight.

294. He's phenomenal. No wonder the Saturday

295. crossword replaced Sam with him.

296. Sam must be pissed. I heard the only place

297. that buys his puzzles now is Parade magazine.

298. The hardest clue he had in his last one

299. was a five-letter word for a game

300. popular in nursing homes. Bingo.

301. I figured out who the arsonist is.

302. It's this guy named Sam. He's a puzzle maker.

303. And Vin took his job. Sam Jepson?

304. Oh, he's not the arsonist.

305. He's been out of town for weeks.

306. And he's one of my closest friends.

307. He let me stay on his couch

308. when Anna Kournikova and I broke up.

309. Well, I mean, she never won a major, so...

310. All right, fine, if I'm so wrong, what did you guys find?

311. Both fires were located

312. at the intersection of numbered streets.

313. If you match those intersections with the same

314. intersections of the numbered clues in the puzzles,

315. you get the letters "M-A".

316. We think the arsonist is spelling his name.

317. We can build a puzzle around that,

318. and catch him setting his next fire.

319. But we have a suspect with a crystal clear motive.

320. I think we need to solve this like cops, not puzzlers.

321. I hear you, Jake. But people who make crosswords

322. love hiding their names in their puzzles.

323. It's our version of a self-portrait.

324. All right, you know what?

325. Amy, it's your last case, you decide.

326. Should we go with Vin's wacky little plan,

327. or should we go with Sam Jepson,

328. my exceptionally solid lead? I see where you're

329. coming from, Jake, but this is Vin's world,

330. and I think we should go with his strategy.

331. Sound good? Yeah.

332. Yeah, sounds great. Okay, great.

333. Let's go. Yeah, let's go.

334. Oh, no, ugly emotion.

335. Okay, so we think the arsonist is using the fires

336. to spell out his name. The most common third letter

337. in names that start with "M-A" are I for Malcolm,

338. X for Max, R for Mark, and T for Matthew.

339. Or his name is Sam, and he's spelling it backwards.

340. Uh-huh.

341. Let's just stick with the L-X-R-T plan.

342. Copy that. Vin designed today's puzzle

343. using only one of each of those letters.

344. Isn't that the craziest thing you've ever seen?

345. I don't know, I mean, remember that time

346. we investigated the disappearance of Mrs. Jackson,

347. and it turned out her parrot ate her, bones and all?

348. That was pretty crazy. That was crazy.

349. Yeah.

350. So tonight, we'll stake out the intersections

351. that correspond to where the L, X, R, and T are

352. in Vin's puzzle, and hopefully catch the arsonist in the act.

353. I'll take the M-A-T corner, you take the M-A-R corner,

354. and we'll have patrolman take the M-A-X and M-A-L.

355. Cool? Yep, very cool.

356. Okay, great, I'll get the surveillance equipment.

357. Shame.

358. Shame, shame, shame.

359. I can't believe you're doing Vin's plan.

360. Will you relax? I'm only doing it

361. because someone else is going to do my plan.

362. Who? You.

363. While I'm busy watching nothing happen on my stupid corner,

364. you're going to stake out Sam's apartment.

365. Then when he sets a fire, Vin is going to look like a dummy.

366. That's right, use the jealousy, Jake.

367. It will give you unimaginable power.

368. Yes, yes, I can feel it coursing through my veins.

369. Oh, my hand cramped. Oh.

370. Oh, it's stuck in a claw.

371. It's a claw now. Oh.

372. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. What are you doing?

373. You're snacking? This is from the guy

374. who told me that eating finger foods

375. was the one true sign of depression?

376. Then watch me chew, Gina.

377. I'm a creature of the past. I'm a dinosaur.

378. No, you are not, you're the best man for the job.

379. And I think you know what you have to do to get it.

380. Believe in myself and give a great presentation?

381. Not even close. That's the head

382. of the committee over there, gorging on crab cakes.

383. Just go up to him and sabotage Olivia.

384. Um...

385. I don't think I can do that. Well, you can't really be

386. the best commissioner the NYPD has ever had

387. if you're not the commissioner.

388. Right. You're right, I want this.

389. And I will do good things for the city.

390. Yes, you will. Now, get over there,

391. and crap all over Olivia's ideas.

392. Patrick, nice to see you. Hello, Raymond.

393. Shall we small-talk? Mmm.

394. I've been thinking recently about how vital

395. the existence of precincts is to the NYPD.

396. Oh, you spoke to Crawford.

397. She's very forward thinking, isn't she?

398. I suppose you could call it that.

399. I mean, I wouldn't, but...

400. Ray, you don't need to worry about her.

401. Between you and me, we had to nominate a girl for PR reasons.

402. There's no way the NYPD

403. is ready for a female commissioner.

404. Oh. Hey.

405. Grab a crab cake before we start.

406. Real crab, big chunks.

407. Okay, no one saw Sarge do anything suspicious

408. on the day of the drawing. We got nothing.

409. Speak for yourself, sister. We found a smoking gun.

410. Play it, Hitchcock.

411. Voilà. Bah-boom.

412. What? I don't see anything. Focus on the butt.

413. The butt don't lie. He squeezed his cheeks

414. before he opened the slip. He knew his name was on it.

415. It was a preemptive celebration clench.

416. I don't know, we need better proof than a butt clench

417. to take down Terry. I did it, okay?

418. I cheated. I wanted that car, and I took it.

419. And it's killing me. I couldn't sleep all night.

420. I just kept hearing the blinker.

421. You cheat you cheat, you cheat

422. Here are the keys. Take the damn car.

423. Terry doesn't deserve it.

424. And that is why I became a cop.

425. Hey, Charles, nothing's happening on my M-A-R corner.

426. Any movement at Sam's place? No, I did, however, see

427. a cool-looking dude in a ponytail on a Razor scooter.

428. I have to admit, I like the look.

429. Is it possible I'm wrong and Sam is out of town?

430. Vin's plan is actually kind of smart.

431. Jake, I have eyes on Sam. Yes! Suck it, Vin.

432. My judgment is clear and I am a genius.

433. Charles, I'll be right there.

434. But enough about the crab cakes.

435. Our first presentation tonight

436. will be from the 99th Precinct's

437. Captain Raymond Holt. Raymond?

438. Let me begin with a hilarious joke.

439. I'm surprised I was on the short list for commissioner.

440. After all, I am 6' tall.

441. Actually, what I have to say tonight is no laughing matter.

442. I was just told by a member of the selection committee

443. that they have no intention

444. of ever choosing a woman to run the NYPD.

445. I suppose I should have been relieved,

446. because Captain Crawford is a damn qualified candidate.

447. But as someone who has been denied opportunity

448. because of who I am,

449. I cannot stand by and watch it happen to someone else.

450. So, I will be reserving my presentation

451. for a selection committee that will judge

452. all of the candidates fairly.

453. And let's be honest.

454. The crab cakes were only so-so.

455. Thank you.

456. All right, talk to me, what's happening?

457. What's Sammy up to? Well, he just sat down

458. on the plaza. Okay, he's opening up

459. his backpack and pulling out what appears to be a thermos.

460. Possibly containing some sort of accelerant-like gasoline.

461. Yup. No, he's eating it

462. with a spoon. It's soup, he's eating soup.

463. Well, maybe he's fueling up for a night of starting fires.

464. He just pulled out a lighter!

465. Nope, it's not a lighter. It's a bumblebee PEZ dispenser.

466. Hmm. Ooh, he's making

467. a phone call. Quick, get the parabolic mic.

468. Mom, I did something bad.

469. Yeah, you set some fires.

470. I proposed to Gretchen and she said no.

471. So you set some fires. So, I left Myrtle Beach.

472. Two weeks ago, and then you set some fires.

473. No, I got back home today.

474. Yeah, all my fish were dead.

475. Okay, so Sam didn't do it.

476. I should probably get back to my corner.

477. Just for the record, just because I was wrong about Sam,

478. does not mean that Vin was right.

479. Well, this is disappointing.

480. I can't believe you left your post.

481. What, the plan wasn't yours,

482. so you didn't think it was worth following?

483. Well, because of your juvenile behavior,

484. one of our city's finest

485. abandoned lard factories is now burned to the ground.

486. My gut told me that Sam Jepson was setting the fires.

487. Although I now realize his actual life

488. is much sadder than that of a serial arsonist.

489. But we agreed to do Vin's plan.

490. So what? Vin is not a cop.

491. Why do you keep siding with him instead of me?

492. Oh, let me guess, because he was right,

493. and the building was on fire, and he's perfect?

494. Wait, are you jealous of Vin?

495. Jake?

496. All right, I didn't want to say anything

497. because it's a gross emotion, but, yes, I am a little bit

498. jealous of the super smart supermodel.

499. This was our last case together.

500. And you and him have been joined at the hip.

501. Or in his case, that super sexy V muscle

502. that I don't understand how to tone.

503. He told me, it's a lot of bicycle crunches.

504. Crunches on a bicycle?

505. That's crazy, you would just fall right off.

506. Babe, you have no reason to be jealous of him.

507. I just...

508. I don't want you to wake up one day

509. and wish that you were with someone as smart as you are.

510. I am with someone as smart as I am.

511. You.

512. You're a brilliant detective.

513. I love the way you think.

514. That's why I want to marry you.

515. Marry me.

516. Marry. Oh, my God, look.

517. The arsonist spelled M-A-R, but they were going to spell

518. M-A-R-R-Y! Or...

519. Conjugate. Conjugate means marry!

520. Yes, and who wants to marry Vin?

521. The lady from the bar!

522. Hey, puzzle chick, unscramble this.

523. You're going to "ailj."

524. All right, Sarge. The car is yours.

525. What? Why?

526. I don't deserve that car. I don't know about that.

527. I went back and watched the tapes to figure out how you did it.

528. Right before the drawing,

529. you got a peanut butter cup out of the freezer.

530. The thing is, you don't eat sugar past 4:00 p.m.

531. Could have been a cheat day.

532. Oh, it was definitely a cheat day.

533. You froze your slip of paper,

534. so that when you pulled the name,

535. all you had to do was find the cold one.

536. So.

537. You thought the way I cheated

538. was so cool, you gave me the car?

539. Yeah, but also while I was watching those tapes,

540. I noticed all the nice crap you do for people.

541. You got Gina a cushion for her chair.

542. You let Charles show you 130 pictures

543. of Nikolaj brushing his teeth.

544. You Heimlich'd Scully twice.

545. On the same peanut. I also solved a murder.

546. Yeah, we all solve murders, but you,

547. you let Hitchcock borrow a pair of your socks,

548. because his somehow disintegrated.

549. Anyway, I'm sorry I guilted you in the first place.

550. You deserve that car. Thanks, Diaz.

551. How did you get Hitchcock and Scully to agree to this?

552. I washed their car and told them it was a new one.

553. They're napping in it right now.

554. Smart!

555. Hello, Captain Holt. Ah, Captain Crawford.

556. To what do I owe the pleasure?

557. Captain Crawford is here to see you.

558. Thank you, Gina.

559. So, it would seem that we have become frenemies.

560. Do you know what that means? Are you trying to imply

561. that I'm too old to understand a portmanteau?

562. I am not, but I am too dignified to use one.

563. Friend-enemy. I just wanted to thank you,

564. for your brave speech. The mayor's office has replaced

565. the selection committee with a less biased one, so...

566. Feel free to start calling me commissioner now.

567. The only time I plan on calling you

568. is to hear you concede.

569. It's going to be hard to hear anything

570. once I've crushed you into a fine powder.

571. A fine powder that will choke you until you die.

572. May the better candidate win.

573. She will.

574. Captain Crawford left.

575. So, we brought her in this morning,

576. and she confessed immediately.

577. Hi, Vin, I love you! Did you see my fires?

578. Turned out, she was writing something.

579. Specifically, "Marry me or else I will kill you.

580. "Yours forever, Helen Gorbelson."

581. Wow, that's so many fires. So many fires.

582. Thank you for catching her. With a brilliant puzzling mind

583. like yours on the case, it was only a matter of time.

584. Actually, Jake solved it.

585. He's kind of a genius with this stuff.

586. Oh, thank you, then.

587. Couldn't have done it without your help.

588. So I guess that's that.

589. I should probably run if I'm going to make it to the Javits Center by 4:00.

590. They're making a mold of me for the upcoming Bodies Exhibit.

591. As they should, your body is great.

592. And that's okay. Thanks, man.

593. You should join me for a puzzle night sometime.

594. Oh. No!

595. Jake is taken. He already has a friend.

596. Hang out offer declined.

597. Now let's strut your centerfold ass out of here.