Brooklyn Nine-Nine 5x12

1. This installation is composed of

2. Constantine's accounts of the first Punic War

3. in the year 264... Ah, yes the first pubic war,

4. the sexiest of all wars.

5. Hi, Dr. Albrin Einstibe.

6. I have an urgent question for you about Ancient Greece.

7. Shall we walk? Of course, Doctor...

8. I feel like you said Einstibe?

9. Yes, that's correct, it's a family name.

10. What is going on? Captain Holt sent me.

11. Just follow my lead. Your theory is wrong.

12. The Greeks did not climb out of the Trojan horse's butt.

13. Put this on. A rose shearing hat, at work?

14. People will think I'm demented. Just put it on.

15. Kevin, Dr. Einstibe. Ah, Professor McGonagall.

16. Why is Boyle dressed as me? Shh!

17. Get in. But this cart is...

18. Get in!

19. Professor. Student.

20. Hello, Kevin. It's me, Raymond Holt.

21. We need to get you to safety. Your life is in danger.

22. Okay, so we've secured Captain Holt's husband.

23. Let's discuss how to proceed.

24. So what you're saying is, we need to talk about Kevin.

25. I have no regrets!

26. Kevin is currently at the safe house

27. with Captain Holt. How long will he

28. have to stay there? My friend in the

29. Organized Crime division says they've been building a case

30. against Seamus Murphy for years, and they're close.

31. They think they'll move on him in the next month or two.

32. So you're saying Kevin can wait?

33. You know what,

34. you people are insane. That was gold.

35. Okay, two months in a safe house, that's not impossible.

36. It's nothing. I once stayed in my apartment

37. for three and a half months straight. Was that after

38. they canceled Bunheads? Why would you bring that up?

39. I don't understand. Why can't we just put Kevin into WITSEC?

40. The Murphys have killed three witnesses

41. in federal protection. Captain doesn't wanna risk it.

42. We'll take shifts staying with Kevin.

43. No, it should just be me.

44. Look, it's my fault that Murphy's after Kevin.

45. Captain Holt bailed me out,

46. and now it's my turn to bail him out.

47. Plus we've got this whole tit for tat thing going,

48. and it's my time to tit. It's my tit turn.

49. My time to tit is today, Terry.

50. You're gonna stay locked up in a safe house,

51. away from us for two months? That's going to be brutal.

52. You just said it was nothing. Brutal for me, Gina.

53. Relax, I'm still going to be able to text

54. and chat with everyone. It's not like I'm being

55. totally shut off from the outside world.

56. Say good-bye to the outside world.

57. You're in the safe house now, so I'll need your phone.

58. Why? Internet, cellular signals.

59. They're too easy to trace. Seriously, no phone?

60. What am I supposed to do to pass the time?

61. You could learn a foreign language.

62. Go to hell.

63. The "no internet rule" was a shock to me as well.

64. I was hoping to salvage this time

65. to do research on my new book.

66. But apparently that will not be possible.

67. I'm sorry, it's for your own safety.

68. Here, Peralta, let me give you a tour of the safe house.

69. This is the living room.

70. Oh. Stop!

71. You're entering the zone of visibility.

72. Someone could see you through the windows.

73. Why don't we just close the blinds?

74. At mid-day? That's far too suspicious.

75. Blinds will only be closed at night.

76. If you must go into the living room, crawl on your belly.

77. Observe.

78. Seems a little extreme.

79. You're right, it's extreme of me to try

80. to prevent my husband from being shot in the face.

81. I'm over-doing it. Kevin, come in here.

82. Take your bullet. No, fine.

83. We'll stay on our bellies. Thank you.

84. This is one of several designated areas

85. where you can stand upright during the day.

86. You can move about freely in this square.

87. Wow, so we have all this room to work in?

88. Your hand can be seen from the living room window.

89. You just killed Kevin. Raymond...

90. I can't hear you, Kevin. You're dead.

91. He bled out in your lap.

92. How will you break the news to me? Let's see.

93. We don't have to do this. Ah, Detective Peralta,

94. how are things going with Kevin,

95. the love of my life? Wait, why are you here

96. at this late hour? And whose blood is that?

97. Okay, I get it. It's Kevin's?

98. This is devastating. I'm inconsolable.

99. And I've killed myself.

100. Cool, well, I can see this is

101. gonna be a fun couple of months.

102. Okay, we can't stream anything,

103. but I brought my DVD collection.

104. Do you like Nic Cage movies? I don't know who that is.

105. Only the greatest and most compelling actor of all time.

106. What are his movies like? Describe them.

107. Okay, well, one of them is

108. the FBI has developed face-swapping technology.

109. Not interested. There's a whole plane

110. full of convicts. Nope.

111. On the back of the original

112. Declaration of Independence, there's a hidden treasure map!

113. Stop. But that's the smartest one!

114. Oh, my God, I'm so glad Captain Holt finally agreed

115. to let you come visit. I missed you so much.

116. Me too.

117. Um... is there a way we could get a bit more privacy?

118. Just pretend I'm not here. God knows I am.

119. Okay, I think you're actually going to like this one.

120. Nic Cage is a chemist...

121. Interesting, keep going.

122. Who has to break into Alcatraz.

123. Absolutely not!

124. Are there no other actors?

125. It's Captain Holt.

126. Hello, Captain. And... You're both dead.

127. You didn't ask for the password.

128. What if I were an assassin

129. wearing a hyper-realistic latex mask?

130. Or perhaps you employed Face/Offteohnoiogy.

131. What? I broke down and watched

132. one of Peralta's action films.

133. I'm lying, I watched them all,

134. including one wherein a man's head

135. turns into a flaming skull.

136. Ghost Rider, and Ghost Rider 2.

137. Both master-pie.

138. Yes, I need your help, Raymond.

139. Luckily, I come bearing good news.

140. My friend in the Organized Crime unit

141. tells me that they're moving against Murphy tonight.

142. Oh, my God, really? You're serious?

143. You mean to say this could be ending?

144. Peralta, it's happening. It's finally happening.

145. Call everyone, we'll get a live feed of the raid

146. and have a viewing party.

147. "Tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree,

148. "'cause this boy's comin' home."

149. Con Air.

150. What have I become?

151. Oh, yes, people.

152. Actual real people that aren't Kevin.

153. Hi, I want to touch you. Babe, you're being weird.

154. Right, sorry. I forgot how to be human.

155. Yeah. Oh, Charles!

156. I need to hear your voice.

157. Tell me what I've been missing at the Nine-Nine.

158. Ooh, Terry's grandma got really sick

159. and had to spend a month in the hospital.

160. Oh... That's sad.

161. I more meant like funny work anecdotes.

162. Ah, Scully sat on a cherry pie

163. and he didn't notice for six hours.

164. The tin stayed on the whole time.

165. Now we're talking. Did you take a picture?

166. Honestly, I didn't see it.

167. I was at Terry's grandma's funeral.

168. Come on. Everyone, quiet down.

169. The feed is live and the raid begins in T-minus 60 seconds.

170. In one minute, Kevin and I will finally be able

171. to leave this awful place.

172. And yet we'll never be free of the nightmares.

173. No, those shall haunt us for always.

174. Whoa, things got really intense in here, huh?

175. Oh, yeah, it got dark. This place is a hell-mouth.

176. Cool. Shh! They're about to move.

177. (ON TV) Bravo team, stand by. I love this.

178. I feel like Ellen watching her producers

179. go through a haunted house.

180. Breach, breach! They're in.

181. There's nobody here. Uh-oh, the house is empty!

182. No, no, no, no, no, no. Where's Seamus?

183. I don't understand, what's happening?

184. Someone must have tipped them off.

185. The raid is a bust, and Murphy's still at large.

186. So what you're saying is...

187. Everyone on the ground, immediately!

188. Oh, no, I sat in another pie.

189. Damn it! Next time, sit on a pie

190. when we can enjoy it, Scully.

191. Organized Crime

192. is hunting for Murphy, but we can't just sit back

193. and hope they find him. Diaz, where are you with your CI?

194. They said Seamus' girlfriend Nikki works in

195. a hair salon in Bay Ridge. Nice, classic mistress job.

196. Hey, my girlfriend's a hairdresser!

197. And you cheated on your ex-wife with her.

198. Checkmate. Well played.

199. Okay, Nikki won't talk to cops.

200. So we've got to send someone in as a customer.

201. Get her to open up, start gossiping.

202. Send me. I'm a gossip surgeon.

203. I can get anything out of anyone.

204. You can't go undercover, you're not a cop.

205. How am I not a cop, Terry? 'Cause I don't have a badge?

206. Being a cop is a state of mind. It's definitely not.

207. Diaz, the mission is yours.

208. Great. I love strangers touching my head.

209. Sorry, you don't have a choice. Dismissed!

210. Actually, Sarge, I have a lead too.

211. I found the place that provides shredding services

212. for Murphy's companies. I subpoenaed those shreds.

213. We can piece them together.

214. Smart. How many shreds are we talking?

215. A few.

216. Oh, crap.

217. According to Organized Crime,

218. Murphy has gone to ground, and there are no leads.

219. Oh, that's great. If he's on the run,

220. he probably won't be worrying about Kevin.

221. And if you coat yourself in chum and swim with sharks,

222. you probably won't be eaten.

223. Said the half-eaten chum-covered swimmer.

224. While Murphy is at large, he's still a threat.

225. So I'm going to be stuck here forever,

226. following these over-the-top security precautions?

227. No. Thank God.

228. The security procedures are about to become

229. much more over-the-top.

230. Say goodbye to your one hour of open window time.

231. But, sir, the stench. It needs some way to escape.

232. I already feel as though I'm trapped inside of...

233. What are those things you're always eating?

234. Pizza bagels? Pizza rolls? No. No.

235. Pizza poppers? Pizzaritos? No. No.

236. Pizza pockets? That's it.

237. How much longer will I be forced to live

238. inside this pizza pocket? Look, I could tell you

239. that it'll just be a few more weeks,

240. but you don't want me to lie to you.

241. Raymond, I beg of you. Give me two hours

242. at the library to work on my book, just two hours.

243. It will make all the difference.

244. Yeah, I could go with him, keep him safe.

245. No library. Seamus' men could be lurking in the stacks.

246. I find that unlikely. I understand, but I disagree.

247. Well then, we are in disagreement.

248. You'll have to excuse me.

249. I'm sorry you had to witness such a vicious fight.

250. Oh, was that a fight? Are you kidding?

251. He said "you'll have to excuse me"

252. instead of "please excuse me."

253. Might as well have spit in my face.

254. Okay, first of all, Rosa, you look amazing.

255. Secondly, I made an appointment at the salon

256. with Nikki, for you, under the name

257. Gabriella Fuentes de San Miguel Estrada.

258. I had fun with the name. Clearly.

259. Here's the plan. Gabriella Fuentes

260. de San Miguel Estrada gossips about her love life.

261. Then, Nikki opens up about hers.

262. Yeah, this is the problem. I suck at gossiping.

263. Which is why I brought along a specialist.

264. Gina will be in your ear feeding you stories.

265. I will be basing Gabriella on my sister's friend, Dana.

266. Just be warned, Dana real sloppy.

267. So, Nikki, I always wanted to get my hair cut here.

268. Everyone says you're the best.

269. Oh, my God, I love your earrings.

270. Where did you get those hoops?

271. Mmm, I don't know.

272. Oh, no, Nikki's not a talker. We're screwed.

273. Don't worry, angel, Gina's got this, crackety-crack.

274. Rosa, repeat after me and don't change a thing.

275. Can I tell you the craziest story?

276. One time I was like so drunk...

277. And this meathead comes up to me.

278. And his body is hot, but his face is like okay.

279. So I'm like, what?

280. And I was like, bitch, I'm not gonna sleep with you

281. just because you promised to take me to the Bahamas.

282. Take me to the Bahamas first

283. and then we'll see what happens, okay?

284. I was only with him because he drove a Jaguar.

285. Turns out it was a Mercury

286. with a Thundercat taped to the hood.

287. And that relationship lasted for three months.

288. I don't know why we broke up. I guess we just grew apart

289. when he went to prison for life.

290. I hear that.

291. The guy I'm seeing is into some shady stuff.

292. Right?

293. There it is, the breakthrough.

294. Follow up, follow up!

295. So, how'd you guys meet?

296. That's a funny story, for next time.

297. You're all done, and you look hot, girl.

298. No, no, she was opening up.

299. Rosa, figure out a way to stay in that chair.

300. Hey, Nikki, I was just wondering.

301. How do you think I would look...

302. As a blonde?

303. Like a Danielle Steel novel.

304. Good oranges, nice and dry. Not at all ripe.

305. Fascinating. My orange is beginning to rot.

306. That happens when you leave an orange

307. sitting around for too long

308. and refuse to even let that orange go to a library

309. for two hours so it can feel like a real orange again.

310. You know what really causes an orange to go bad?

311. Getting shot. Have you seen what a bullet

312. does to an orange?

313. I shot a watermelon once.

314. It's exactly what you want it to be.

315. I miss Amy. You think I enjoy doing this?

316. I assure you, I do not.

317. I'm simply trying to keep my husband alive.

318. Well, you may not have a husband

319. when all of this is over.

320. You're not going to die, Kevin.

321. That's not what I meant.

322. I'm leaving. This is an absurd conversation,

323. and you're being ridiculous.

324. You know what, screw this. We need a break.

325. I'm a cop, I can protect us. We're going to the library.

326. These two oranges are stepping out.

327. Oh, damn it, peeling out. It was right there!

328. Okay, Captain Holt has back-to-back meetings

329. at One Police Plaza today,

330. which means we have a four-hour window

331. before he checks on any of the security feeds.

332. But going out into public is a huge risk,

333. so maybe let's go over some self-defense techniques.

334. Usually, you warn somebody before you do that.

335. Raymond told me that the element of surprise

336. was crucial. Cool.

337. So he's a great teacher. But I will say this.

338. If you're going to do a throat punch,

339. it is key that you say something cool afterwards

340. like, "Choke on that." But they're not choking.

341. They're experiencing airway trauma.

342. Ooh, how about,

343. "Better get some corticosteroids

344. "to treat that laryngeal fracture."

345. Okay, yeah, that's very informative

346. and quite polite.

347. But maybe add a "dirtbag" on the end?

348. But a dirtbag is a useful part of a vacuum.

349. I don't see how it's an insult.

350. All right, you know, puncher's choice.

351. Moving on, we're going to need disguises.

352. And since we're going to a public library,

353. the best way to fit in is as...

354. Scholars. Weird perverts.

355. Yes, weird perverts is far better.

356. Far better.

357. What is the bandwidth on the Wi-Fi here?

358. We have much content to stream.

359. Bam! Solid match. Okay, I've got three words.

360. I've got an "and", I've got an "an" and a "he".

361. Now, the "he" could be a part of a "the"

362. or the end of "Apache."

363. I don't know why, but I'm getting

364. a strong "Apache" vibe.

365. Amy? Amy?

366. Amy, where'd you go? Down here.

367. I let the pile take me.

368. I don't know what I was thinking.

369. We've been at it for two hours

370. and all we've got is three words.

371. Really two. Terry's just fooling himself.

372. "Apache's" a long shot at best.

373. Ooh, are you guys building a nap nest?

374. Mind if we burrow? No!

375. We're piecing together shredded documents

376. to find Seamus Murphy. Can I help?

377. I'm really good at jigsaw puzzles.

378. I do them all the time.

379. It's why my wrist muscles are so defined.

380. No offense, Scully, but you can't be good or bad

381. at jigsaw puzzles.

382. It's just putting shapes together.

383. There's no strategy or reasoning, or logic...

384. Look, I got half a page!

385. He is the one.

386. This is great. There's nobody here.

387. Everyone cleared out as soon as we got here.

388. Even that actual pervert was creeped out by us.

389. I can feel your heat.

390. Ooh! No offense, but it feels so good to breathe air

391. that didn't come out of your mouth.

392. None taken. Ooh, I know you're working,

393. but you should probably put

394. something on your screen perverted

395. in case someone comes in,

396. like a lady in high heels stepping on a businessman.

397. Sorry, yes, I meant to do that.

398. I've just gotten so wrapped up in my research.

399. I've been reading the most thrilling footnote.

400. What was that? I don't know.

401. But don't worry...

402. I'll creep them right the hell out of here.

403. Hello... Who's sneaking around back here?

404. Bang, you're dead. And so is Kevin.

405. Oh, thank God, it's just you.

406. Wait, no, this is bad in a different way.

407. What are you doing?

408. You brought my husband to a public place?

409. He's undercover. We're perverts, see?

410. You're not fooling anyone.

411. Kevin's zipper is up, for God's sake.

412. Wait, I'm confused, how did you even know we were here?

413. Oh, my God. You sewed a tracker into my neck, didn't you?

414. Don't be stupid.

415. Trackers are in your shoes, underwear, and wallet.

416. I also braided one into your hair.

417. In my tangle?

418. You put my husband at risk, and for what?

419. Because you felt a little cooped up?

420. That's not it. You could have

421. cost him his life. What life, Raymond?

422. I spend every day lying on the floor of that house

423. talking with Jake about popular culture.

424. Do you know what it means to "clap back", Raymond?

425. Be-cause-I-do.

426. Enough. We have to get back to the safe house immediately.

427. Let's go. And if you're gonna be a pervert, Kevin,

428. adjust yourself as you walk.

429. Move some quarters around in your pocket.

430. So I used to see my boyfriend on Friday nights

431. after his wife went to bed,

432. but then he left town a couple of weeks ago.

433. You're all done here, gorgeous.

434. Ahhh-ha-ha, I love it!

435. But finish what you were saying.

436. Where'd your boyfriend run off to?

437. Oh, that's a story for next time.

438. Rosa, we're so close, you can't leave.

439. Tell her you want a perm. "I want a perm."

440. A big ol' perm.

441. Great idea.

442. Go, go, go!

443. Take a seat.

444. I can't believe someone took Raymond.

445. He had a gun, Jake.

446. It'll be okay. We're gonna get him back.

447. Let me just call the Nine-Nine.

448. Hey, Rosa, do you guys

449. have any idea where Seamus Murphy is?

450. We have a huge problem.

451. Yeah, we all have huge problems.

452. You kinda look like Phil Spector when he was on trial.

453. Guys, focus up. Have you found anything?

454. One of Murphy's guys just took Holt.

455. Oh, no. We did get something from Nikki.

456. Apparently, Seamus has been staying up

457. in Rhinebeck, New York. Rhinebeck?

458. Scully, where's that piece of junk mail

459. with the Rhinebeck address?

460. Scully, surface! Yes, Sarge?

461. Rhinebeck letter. One sec.

462. 8221 Oak Ridge Parkway. Copy that.

463. All right, we're going to commandeer a car,

464. and then we're going to drive to Rhinebeck.

465. No one is going to hurt your husband, this I swear.

466. Ow, owie, owie, owie, it stings, ow!

467. Follow me.

468. Hello, Raymond.

469. So, Seamus, are you going to kill me?

470. No, don't be stupid, nothing like that.

471. I'm just going to find your husband,

472. bring him here, slit his throat in front of you,

473. then, after you watch him suffer, kill you too.

474. There it is, 8221. All right, let's go.

475. What? No, you're not coming in.

476. It's way too dangerous for a civilian.

477. You're driving back to the safe house

478. and watching another Nic Cage movie.

479. You still haven't seen Gone in Sixty Seconds.

480. His character's name is Memphis Raines. I'm so sorry.

481. No, I'm not abandoning my husband. I love him.

482. Yeah, I love him too. Everybody loves Raymond.

483. Don't. I think that's pretty funny!

484. No. It doesn't matter.

485. You got to go. Get the hell out of here, I got this.

486. Sir!

487. Hey, there.

488. Where is Kevin? Don't worry, he's safe.

489. Look, Captain, I just want to say that I'm sorry.

490. You should be.

491. You should have abided by my security rules.

492. You're right. But I want you to know,

493. I didn't take Kevin to the library

494. because I was stir-crazy.

495. It was because I didn't want you guys to get divorced.

496. How is that any concern of yours?

497. I don't know, I just...

498. I've been around so many failed marriages in my life.

499. You know, first my mom and my dad,

500. then Charles and Eleanor, Hitchcock and Brandi,

501. Hitchcock and Francine, Hitchcock and Brandi again,

502. Hitchcock and Madison... Madison wasn't his daughter?

503. But he dropped her off at college last fall.

504. I know, it was really gross. But the point is,

505. I just couldn't stand to see you two fall apart.

506. Perhaps I should have been more understanding

507. of what Kevin was going through.

508. I may die here tonight,

509. and his last memory of me will be how miserable I made him.

510. So, Peralta, what do you have to say for yourself?

511. The whole NYPD knows where you are,

512. and they're coming for you right now.

513. Okay, thanks for the tip.

514. Let's kill them both, get out of here before the cops come.

515. Wait, no, no, no, I was lying about the back-up.

516. I came alone. Title of my sex tape.

517. Doesn't matter. You're both gonna die now.

518. Better get some corticosteroids

519. to treat that laryngeal fracture.

520. Sorry, I couldn't bring myself to call him a dirtbag.

521. And why would you? A dirtbag is a very useful part of the vacuum cleaner.

522. Clearly, it's a compliment.

523. Wow, you guys are so perfect for each other.

524. Oh, my garsh!

525. It's all the same. Nothing has changed.

526. Except for that. This perm saved your life.

527. And I thank it for its service.

528. Hello, Captain. Hello, Kevin.

529. So, here's an update on Seamus.

530. Thanks to our little operation,

531. the FBI was able to roll up his entire organization.

532. They're saying it's going to be one of

533. the most significant RICO prosecutions they've ever done.

534. Amazing. It's over now.

535. He can't hurt me or Kevin. Thank you, for titting my tat.

536. Well, thank you for tatting my tit.

537. And you know, in a weird way,

538. I'm going to miss our little house.

539. Yes, and in an even weirder way,

540. I think I might actually miss you.

541. And in an even weirder way, I want you guys to be my dads.

542. That is weirder. Yeah, I got stuff.

543. I brought you your box of DVDs.

544. Oh, thank you.

545. Oh! Forgot about this one.

546. We never watched Captain Corelli's Mandolin.

547. What the hell did you just say?

548. Captain Corelli's Mandolin? Say that to my face.

549. Captain Corelli's Mandolin?

550. There was a movie about a mandolin,

551. and you kept it from me for two months?

552. Well, I didn't think it was any good.

553. It's just some period piece. What?

554. Set in Greece. Oh, my God.

555. Based on some dumb book. Ahhh!

556. Terribly sorry. It has been a very trying time.

557. Yeah, next thing, you're going to say you'd wished

558. we had watched Leaving Las Vegas,

559. a dark, ponderous reflection on alcoholism

560. that earned Cage his Oscar.

561. Ahhh! What?

562. I told you, the guy's got range!