Brooklyn Nine-Nine 4x9

1. - Hey there, boyle. How was your weekend?

2. - Well, actually I got a little sick.

3. - Oh, really? I'm sorry to hear that, man.

4. - Yeah, "bullets over broadway" was on tv.

5. And I came down with a big ol' dianne wiest infection.

6. Like "yeast."

7. - So I'll coordinate with the transit cops while you

8. Follow up with the da's off— uh, can I help you,

9. Captain stentley? - Oh, hey, uh, did you guys

10. See a black backpack sitting around anywhere?

11. - I did not. - No.

12. - Aww, shoot, this is turning out to be a real cluster-biff.

13. - Why? What's in the backpack?

14. - Uh, just some evidence. Do you guys know

15. A drug dealer named flaco? - Oh, yeah, he's a big-time

16. Supplier, consolidated half the territory in brooklyn.

17. - Well, the bag belongs to one of his runners,

18. And it contains, like, a football's worth of cocaine—

19. I'm not good with sizes— and a cell phone.

20. - And you think that the cell phone might

21. Have intel that could lead us to flaco.

22. - I do now. That's a great theory!

23. Whoa. But the bag is missing, so—

24. Hey, how big of a deal is it if I, um, if I never find it?

25. - I'd say it's a very— - ah-uh-uh-uh.

26. Sugarcoat it for me. - Okay, um, no biggie.

27. - Ahh, that is great news. Thank you so much.

28. Hey, if you see something, say something.

29. Oh, that is catchy, huh? It's like, I just

30. Made up a hit song. - Nope, very common

31. This is our chance. If c.J. Can't find that

32. Evidence, he could be fired. This could be our way

33. Wow! It's actually

34. A really catchy song. - There's nothing to celebrate.

35. Captain stentley is going to find that evidence

36. Because we're gonna help him. - What? No, this is our chance

37. To undermine him. Come on and party tonight.

38. - Peralta, we're police officers.

39. We have a duty to protect this city.

40. We took an oath, a sacred oath. What if those drugs end up

41. On the street or a dangerous criminal is set free

42. Because of missing evidence?

43. Okay, you know, you're trying to say it's whatever

44. Because you just—

45. You're fumfering. - Of course I'm fumfering.

46. Fine, we'll find the bag. Come on and party tonight.

47. Damn it.

48. - Hey, guys, department has a new green initiative.

49. We have to reduce energy usage by 15%.

50. That means no more laminating, santiago.

51. - Oh, that's fine. It's not the thing

52. That gives me the most pleasure in life.

53. Interacting with other people, that's what gets me going.

54. - Scully, hitchcock, lose the chocolate fountain.

55. - What are we supposed to dip our strawberries in?

56. Our nacho cheese fountain? That's crazy.

57. - Unless...

58. Sarge, you beautiful bastard. - Get rid of 'em.

59. And, gina, you can't run that space heater 24/7 anymore.

60. - Space heater? Excuse me, this is

61. A fornax radiant comfort system, and her name is jacinta.

62. - Okay, well, jacinta's gotta go.

63. - He didn't mean that, darling. - Seriously, turn off

64. The space heater. - No.

65. - Do it, now. That's an order. - Yeah, well, you don't wanna

66. Start a battle of the wills with gina linetti because

67. You will emerge from that battle a broken man.

68. Not to brag, but I was name-checked

69. In my kindergarten teacher's suicide note.

70. - Oh, my god.

71. - Any luck finding the missing backpack?

72. - No, but I did find c.J.'s wallet, badge, and gun

73. On top of the toilet paper dispenser.

74. I'm assuming he doesn't know they're missing.

75. - Mm. - Why are you helping

76. This guy, sir? He's the opposite of

77. Everything you stand for. His favorite expression

78. Is "that's gonna leave a mark."

79. And he doesn't even use it right.

80. - Whoo, that soup is good. That's gonna leave a mark.

81. - What?

82. - Well, he's not our best, but I won't be part of

83. Any sneaky subterfuge designed to undermine him.

84. - You think you're so great just 'cause you always do

85. What's good and right. Well, I've got news

86. For you: Ya boring. - You know who else

87. Was called "boring"? Andreas marggraf.

88. And you know what he did? - He discovered zinc,

89. Because you've used that one on me before because,

90. Uh, ya boring.

91. - Well, if I'm so boring, how come I have a lead?

92. Come take a look at this. This is security footage

93. From the day the backpack went missing.

94. 11:00 a.M., the bag's over a chair.

95. Now let's fast forward and see what happened to it.

96. - Wait, that was two hours? Where's c.J. During all this?

97. The guy's got good hooks. I mean, right?

98. Wait, who's this guy? Flaco must've sent someone

99. To get the backpack, and they just waltzed right in

100. And took it out of the precinct. Oh, c.J. Is in so much trouble.

101. You think that disapproving glare works on me

102. After all the times I've seen it?

103. Step it up, find something new, ya boring.

104. - 'ello, me lady. It's your matey lil'

105. Charlie boyle, innit, love?

106. - Ugh, it's 2:00 a.M.,

107. And we're working. How can you be so happy?

108. Because I figured out the secret of surviving the night shift.

109. You see, this little piggy went to the warehouse.

110. This little piggy went with him. This little piggy was like—

111. - Stop, just stop and say whatever

112. You are saying another way. - I found a 24 hour

113. Foot massage parlor, and it's amazing.

114. It's the best experience you've ever had.

115. You're just like, mmm...

116. ahh, wha?

117. - Wouldn't stop making that noise, man.

118. - Let me take you, let me show you the greatest

119. And only pleasure of the night shift.

120. - Pass, I'd rather die than have a stranger touch my bare feet.

121. - I'm telling you, once they get get

122. Their strong fingers in your toe gaps,

123. It's just mmm...

124. uh, that's on me,

125. Shouldn't have had my eyes closed.

126. - hey, c.J., you upset

127. About something, man? Maybe something in your career?

128. - Yeah, I told the brass that I lost the bag

129. And I screwed up the whole flaco case,

130. And you were wrong, it was a biggie.

131. - Yeah, well, you told me to sugarcoat it.

132. - And whose fault it that, jake? - Yours.

133. - I know. - Okay, so what happened?

134. I mean, they couldn't have fired you, right?

135. That'd be crazy. I mean, they could,

136. For sure, they had every reason to, but did they?

137. Did they fire you? - Worse.

138. They're pulling my transfer. - What transfer, what now?

139. - Oh, I've just been feeling overwhelmed with this job,

140. And I don't know if you've noticed,

141. But I'm a little in over my head.

142. - Completely unqualified, yeah. - It is so cool that you get me.

143. - Yeah. - Anyway, I heard that they

144. Were hiring a head administrator at the police academy,

145. So I put in for it. - Wait, you wanna

146. Train other officers? - Well, the nine years

147. At the academy were some of the best years of my life.

148. - That's a six-month program. - Sure, for a lot of people.

149. Anyway, they said that the job was mine,

150. And now they're pissed, so it looks like

151. I'm stuck here forever.

152. - No, no, no, no, no, no.

153. All is not lost. We can still fix this.

154. So, sure, maybe you can't get back the backpack,

155. But you could do something even better.

156. Like, what if you single-handedly

157. Figure out who flaco is and then you take him down.

158. - Oh, come on, jake.

159. I'll just screw it up like I screw up everything else.

160. - No, you won't, because I will be there

161. To help you, but don't worry, you'll still get all the credit.

162. Listen to me, c.J., we're gonna get you the hell out of here.

163. - Are you sugarcoating this for me?

164. - I most certainly am not.

165. - Whoo, that's gonna leave a mark.

166. - Ahh.

167. - So, captain, I've been thinking about this whole

168. Missing backpack thing, and what if we find flaco

169. And take him down? - Oh, are you trying to solve

170. C.J.'s case behind his back to embarrass him?

171. - No, not at all. In fact, I think c.J.

172. Should come along. I just realized how important

173. My duty as a police officer is to me, you know?

174. The sacred oath I took. Your speech really inspired me.

175. - Well, it was one of my better ones.

176. Felt really good as I was saying it.

177. - Yeah. - So what's the plan, son?

178. - Well, dad, we don't know where flaco is, but I have

179. A c.I. Who says he's got an agreement with marco severino.

180. - So you think we should pose as drug dealers looking for

181. A new heroin supplier and get severino

182. To hook us up with flaco. And you think

183. C.J. Can handle this mission. - I know he's inexperienced,

184. But he's a creative guy.

185. I think he'd be great undercover.

186. - Okay, muchachos, let's roll up on these muchachos.

187. - Great start, and I love your double use of "muchachos."

188. - Hey, it's c.J., by the way.

189. - oooh, that's a nice lam job.

190. This one goes on the blog.

191. - Hey, sarge, what up, bro?

192. - "what up, bro?" you're laminating

193. In here, aren't you? - I'm sorry.

194. I just love it so much.

195. - It's okay, I'm used to it. No one listens to me.

196. I'm a lousy sergeant. - What? No, don't say that.

197. Why would you say that? - If I tell you something,

198. You promise not to tell anyone else?

199. - Of course. - You know how I took

200. The lieutenant's exam last week? - Uh-huh.

201. - I just found out I didn't pass.

202. - Oh, no, but you shouldn't feel bad, only like 10%

203. Of people pass on the first try.

204. - I know, and I'm all exhausted

205. Because of the night shift, plus my bathroom break

206. During the test took a little longer than anticipated.

207. - May I use the restroom, please?

208. uh-oh, nothing to see here.

209. Excuse me, I'm sorry. Little desk.

210. - That's why they say "it's test time, so diaper up."

211. They say that, I've never said that.

212. I've never worn a diaper during test. Who would wear

213. A diaper during a test? That's ridiculous, I mean—

214. - Santiago. - Sorry, look, don't give up

215. On the green initiative. You're a great sergeant.

216. You'll get everyone on board. - Not gina.

217. - Yes, gina. You can handle her. You can do this.

218. Sarge, it's test time.

219. - Diaper up.

220. - Thank you for coming along with me on this manhunt.

221. I needed your help. - No problem,

222. Who are we looking for? - He's a one-armed smuggler

223. From the dunes of tunisia. He goes by the name

224. Of señor riff raff. - You're taking me

225. To that foot massage place. - I am taking you

226. To the foot massage place. I made that whole thing up.

227. - Shocking. - Look, the night shift

228. Hasn't been easy on any of us.

229. Let me make it slightly better

230. By paying a strong-handed woman

231. To literally milk the stress from your feet.

232. - Just shut up, I'll do it once.

233. Yes! - As long as you promise

234. To never ever talk about foot milk again.

235. - Deal, you're gonna love it. - I guarantee you, I won't.

236. Mmm.

237. - All right, that's severino's restaurant.

238. My c.I. Says he's in there. - Whoo, I'm pumped. I'm ready.

239. - Um, just out of curiosity, how—how scared are you guys?

240. - Not at all. How about you? - I'm terrified,

241. But, you know, I just keep telling myself,

242. Worst comes to worst, just start shooting things, you know?

243. - I think it might be better if you stayed in the van.

244. - Wait, are you trying to sideline me?

245. - Yes. - Oh, thank god.

246. - but just because you're

247. In the van doesn't mean you're not an important

248. Part of the mission. Your job will be

249. To keep an eye on the restaurant.

250. And, if anybody suspicious walks in, you just—

251. - Run everybody over with the van and then

252. Back up if they're still moving.

253. - Don't try and guess where I'm going with it.

254. You keep an eye on the door. If anyone suspicious walks in,

255. Let us know in our ear pieces. - Oh, I could

256. Do that, absolutely. You know, actually I saw

257. Those ear pieces on "ellen." one time, justin bieber was on,

258. And he was supposed to be, like, a security guard, only—

259. - C.J., I'm loving the story, but we gotta go in.

260. - I'll finish later. - Tbc.

261. - Thanks for hand-laminating, santiago.

262. - Of course, if you ask me, saving energy is trending.

263. Oh, gina, didn't see you there. - Gina, did you shut off

264. Your space heater yet? - Space heater...

265. Doesn't ring any bells. - Jacinta.

266. - Oh, no, she's still going strong.

267. - I will take that thing away from you by force, if necessary.

268. - Well, come and get it. - Seriously?

269. The heater's under your skirt? - Maybe. You can't prove that.

270. - Yeah, I can. There's a cord running under it,

271. And I think you may be on fire. - Mm, so?

272. - What do you mean "so"? - I'm not giving up jacinta.

273. - You are on fire, gina. You do not have the upper hand

274. In this situation. - I always have the upper hand.

275. - Not when there's flames shooting out of your butt!

276. - Especially when there's flames shooting out of my butt.

277. - Damn it.

278. How the hell did I lose that one?

279. - Hey, you severino? - Who wants to know?

280. - I'm cal, this is billy. We used to buy from rosario,

281. But he got busted by the feds, and we're looking for

282. A new hookup. - Guys, we got company.

283. There's a lady with a dog, and a man with a ponytail.

284. Another lady with a dog, two dogs back to back, guys.

285. Is that fishy? - I knew rosario.

286. - Seems fishy to me... - So how's come...

287. - There's a lot of dogs out— - I never heard of you?

288. - Well, you can ask rosario's guys about us.

289. - They're right on top of each other.

290. If you think it's weird, just cough once for yes,

291. Twice for no. - I didn't come here

292. To be accused of something. We can buy from somebody else.

293. - Jake, I need an answer, why is nobody coughing?

294. hold up, I got a right to know

295. Who I might be in business with. - I need an answer on

296. The dog thing, is it weird? Can somebody cough?

297. - Whose cough was that? Was that you, jake?

298. If it was you, cough twice, if it was somebody else,

299. Cough three times.

300. Sorry, bad allergy day, pollen count is off the charts.

301. - Pollen count, oh, man, how do you come up with that stuff?

302. - So what's your territory? - But that's why you guys are

303. In there, and I'm out here. - We don't sell on the streets.

304. We have loyal buyers that come to us.

305. - On the mic, you know... - And we need quality product,

306. Our customers are discerning. - Check one, check two, check,

307. Check, dj c.J. On the mic. - I got a guy that could get

308. You the best dope in the city. - You know, I actually did dj

309. My sister's wedding. - But it ain't gonna be cheap.

310. - It did not turn out well. Apparently, there's such a thing

311. As too much smash mouth. - I'm sorry, you think we wanna

312. Deal with complete strangers? - God, sometimes I look at my

313. Sister, and I'm like... - I mean, we gotta

314. Cover our own asses. - She's got two kids,

315. Beautiful house, and I'm like... - How do we know

316. This guy's even legit? - C.J., what have you

317. Done with your life? - Shut up!

318. - Stop talking! - Ahh!

319. - Shut up, now! - Oh, my god.

320. - Shut up, c.J.

321. - Oh, whoa, whoa, what are you, cops?

322. - Yes, obviously we're cops. Put your hands up.

323. - Whoa, who said we were cops? We haven't gotten any

324. Information we needed yet. Jake, you're blowing it, man.

325. - Stop talking!

326. - Crime scene investigators combed every inch

327. Of severino's restaurant, no drugs.

328. - Well, we can't hold him much longer, and he's not talking.

329. The interrogation did not exactly go well.

330. You're gonna tell us who flaco is, and you're

331. Gonna tell us right now.

332. - Oh, that was crazy.

333. - Well, there's one bit of good news.

334. The last call on severino's phone was to a contact

335. We believe to be flaco. We've tracked his location

336. To a warehouse by the water. We're gonna storm the place.

337. - Great, I'll go get c.J. - Why? Why are you

338. So determined to make him a part of this?

339. - No reason. - If you actually cared

340. About your sacred oath, you'd see that he's

341. A risk to the case.

342. - Oh, my speech didn't actually inspire you, did it?

343. - Ugh, all right, here's the truth.

344. If we catch flaco, and c.J. Gets credit for it,

345. He's gonna transfer out of the nine-nine.

346. - That's what this is all about? You're still trying

347. To undermine the man? - What? No!

348. The opposite, if anything. I want to see him succeed.

349. I'm trying to overmine him. - Oh, you know I hate it

350. When you make up words, peralta. - Are you still mad at me

351. For saying "snaccident"? - Yes, very.

352. - Please, just let him come along.

353. - No. - Just so his name

354. Is on the arrest report. - No.

355. - I'll put him in a car a block away.

356. - Fine. At least tell me what it was

357. About my speech that didn't work for you.

358. oh, man, if I had to

359. Boil it down to one thing and really pinpoint it,

360. I guess I would just say it's, uh, ya boring.

361. But still let him come? Great.

362. - what is all this?

363. - Oh, hey, sarge. I'm growing tropical plants now

364. In the warmth of my three space heaters.

365. It's getting a little hot though, wouldn't you say?

366. ugh, oh, yeah.

367. Probably also turn on my portable air conditioning unit.

368. Boop. - You're not gonna

369. Beat me, gina. This is my last stand.

370. - My whole life is last stands. - Gina, can I talk to you

371. For a second? - Yeah, what's up?

372. Let me guess, you and jake are having problems;

373. You want me to teach you how to kiss?

374. - What? No, stop that. - Oh.

375. - I know how I kiss, I've read books.

376. This is about terry. You can't tell

377. Anyone else this, but— - he failed his

378. Lieutenant's exam. - How do you know that?

379. - Let's just say my little birds

380. Are everywhere collecting whispers.

381. He left the letter on his desk, and I read it.

382. - Okay, but if you know he's depressed, then why

383. Are you being so hard on him? - Don't worry,

384. I got this. Just clear the lane

385. And let gina do her thing. - What? Ugh.

386. gina? You locked me in.

387. - Going to lunch.

388. - Gina, you know I'm very claustrophobic.

389. - Everybody ready? Where's c.J.?

390. - Parked a block away on winthrop, as promised.

391. Don't worry, he's not going anywhere.

392. I downloaded an app on his phone that makes

393. Your words sound like burps. - Smart, really smart.

394. - Yeah. - Here we go, on three,

395. Two, one.

396. - Nypd, on the ground. - On the ground!

397. - Flaco, run! - That's flaco.

398. It's locked, go back.

399. - Oh, sorry. - C.J., that's flaco.

400. You got him. - Yeah!

401. - He's out cold, how'd you do it?

402. - No, no, wait. Let me guess.

403. - You opened your car door into him.

404. - Yep. - He never saw it coming.

405. - Yep. - And neither did you.

406. It was a total accident; you were getting out

407. Of your car to go pee. - No!

408. There was a spider in the car, and I panicked.

409. - Damn it, how did I not guess that?

410. - You gotta see this spider. It's gigantic.

411. - charles, this is amazing.

412. - I know, when's the last time you cried like that?

413. - Huh? You cried? - Damn right, I did.

414. - Oh, guess we gotta get back to the nine-nine.

415. - Let's not be hasty. Neither of us have any

416. Open cases right now, so should we tell the ladies

417. We're ready for round two? - Let's do it,

418. You insatiable little minx. - I'll go get 'em.

419. - Mmm.

420. - Charles, this place is a front,

421. Money laundering or something. - We gotta get out

422. Of here right now.

423. - I just got off the phone

424. With one police plaza. They're thrilled.

425. Captain stentley, you got your transfer.

426. - Whoo! - I'm not transferring.

427. - What, why? - The whole reason

428. I wanted to transfer in the first place

429. Is because I didn't feel like I could do this job,

430. But the mission tonight, me taking down flaco...

431. - More the door than you. - It just showed me

432. That I can do this, and now I feel like

433. I really do belong here.

434. So thank you, guys, for—

435. For making me believe in myself again.

436. - Oh. - Come here.

437. - That's gonna leave a mark.

438. - I can't believe this.

439. Not only are we still stuck on the night shift,

440. But now we have to watch c.J. Get a medal.

441. Why are there so many reporters? Even "the times" is here.

442. - Wait, really? Who'd they send?

443. Wilson, palmer, schneier, levine, rogers, tyler, baker,

444. Correal, bromwich, robbins, schmidt?

445. - Stop saying reporters' names. How do you know so many names?

446. - They're the only real rock stars we have left.

447. - Okay. - Hello, we're here today

448. To honor captain jason stentley, who single-handedly brought down

449. A major drug ring.

450. And so it is my pleasure to bestow upon him

451. The medal of honor. Captain stentley.

452. - Oh, bestow me, baby.

453. Ahh, wow,

454. That's a lot of people. Uh...

455. Baba booey, cornholio.

456. That's it for my prepared remarks.

457. Any questions?

458. - Will taking down one drug dealer make

459. A big difference in the overall level of drugs

460. Moving into the city? - No idea, next?

461. - What's your philosophy for dealing with

462. International narcotic supply chains?

463. - Didn't understand the question, next.

464. - Why was flaco targeted for this operation?

465. - Okay, there's a question I can answer.

466. - Well, it all started because I lost a huge bag of cocaine,

467. So I totally biffed it, you know, but—

468. - Thank you, thank you, captain. - Oh, oh.

469. - That—that is... That's plenty. - That was a train wreck.

470. - Yes, he never should have been put in that position.

471. Whoever recommended him for the medal and called

472. All those reporters really messed up.

473. - Wait, what are you saying? - Oh, nothing.

474. It just seems as if c.J. Has been... Overmined.

475. - You did this? - I did.

476. - And you used my made-up word. - I hated it, "overmined."

477. What have I become? Was this whole thing

478. Even worth it? - It was no snaccident.

479. - So the foot massage place reported $7 million

480. In profit last year. To make that much,

481. They'd have to massage 100 feet an hour, 24 hours a day,

482. 7 days a week for the entire year.

483. - Damn it, we have to shut them down.

484. - Wait. Let's not be hasty about this.

485. Let's think this through. We wanna be smart about this.

486. - Right, I mean, what if we bust them tonight,

487. And then tomorrow I'm chasing a murderer,

488. And I'm about to get him, and my foot cramps up?

489. - Due to lack of massaging. - And then the murderer

490. Gets away. - Know who he kills next?

491. The mayor. - Oh, my god, the city

492. Has no mayor now. - It's chaos.

493. Rioting, looting, panic in the streets.

494. - They gotta call in the national guard, there's

495. Tanks rolling down 5th avenue, declaring martial law.

496. - It's insane. All because we shut down

497. The foot massage place... - That was doing god's work.

498. What were we thinking. - So it's agreed:

499. We let them stay open for the sake of the city.

500. - For the sake of the city.

501. - We have to do our stupid jobs, don't we?

502. - Yeah, let me get my stupid gun.

503. - Nypd, get down on the comfortable matted floor.

504. - Put your magical hands where we can see them.

505. - You're under arrest for ruining something perfect.

506. - And money laundering.

507. - Yes, money laundering, whatever.

508. - Gina, I've been thinking a lot about how you refuse

509. To give up jacinta. - That's right.

510. She's never leaving. - I know, which is why

511. I decided to do the only fair thing.

512. Space heaters for everyone. - So what? That sounds great.

513. - Everyone. - Whoo-whee,

514. It's toasty in here. - You're gonna be

515. Looking at that all night long.

516. Whoop, I think he's

517. About to eat a hoagie. Is that mayonnaise or sweat?

518. - Ugh, fine, I give up. You can take jacinta.

519. - Really? And the other two space heaters, too?

520. all of them, you win.

521. - I win? I won.

522. Amy, I won! - You did it, sarge.

523. You're gonna get our power usage down.

524. - I don't care about that crap. I took down gina linetti.

525. I did the impossible. Terry is back on top.

526. Diaper up! What! - Ladies and gentlemen,

527. Captain jason stentley has been transferred from active duty

528. Effective immediately. Captain raymond holt

529. Will be taking his place, and, yes, he's taking

530. All of us with him. - You mean—

531. - Yes, amy. We're back on the day shift!

532. - Nine-nine! Nine-nine!

533. - Not a doctor. - Shh.