1. Cluck, cluck!
Gobble, gobble!
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2. Guess who just came from the
PS 321 Thanksgiving Parade?
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3. Charles, you actually
might...
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4. Who's Charles?
I'm Tommy Gobbler,
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5. and I'm stuffed with
Thanksgiving happiness!
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6. Gobble, gobble!
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7. Seriously, Charles...
Uh-uh, I warned you!
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8. I'm Tommy Gobbler,
you silly pilgrim.
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9. Okay, Tommy Gobbler.
There you go!
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10. These are the Davidsons.
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11. They want to know what happened
to their missing grandmother.
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12. I have some deeply
tragic news for you.
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13. Listen up. Diaz and I
are going to Rikers
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14. to interview a guy
we think has info
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15. on the Douglass
Street murders.
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16. Also, IT says
the Internet is down.
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17. What? No!
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18. I had just clicked
a link that said
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19. "Balloon Boy Grew Up Hot."
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20. Now I will never see
those pictures.
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21. Can't you just use
the Internet on your phone?
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22. Bitch, you know
I'm out of data.
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23. Jake, can I speak to you
for a minute? In private.
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24. Ooh, someone's in trouble.
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25. It's me.
I don't know why I did that.
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26. So, Sharon will be here
in an hour.
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27. We're driving up to
the Berkshires to spend
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28. one last weekend alone
before the baby comes.
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29. Yeah! Somebody's
gonna get it!
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30. She's 37-weeks pregnant, man.
We're gonna eat pie in bed.
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31. Yeah.
I just wanted to ask...
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32. If Sharon gets here
before I'm back from Rikers,
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33. can you make sure
she's comfortable?
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34. And also, um...
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35. Keep Captain Holt
away from her.
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36. Really? Why?
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37. He's always weird around her
and it stresses her out.
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38. She says
he reminds her of those
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39. judgmental trees
from Lord of the Rings.
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40. They're called Ents.
Get a life, dweeb.
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41. I don't care.
Okay.
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42. Can you handle it?
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43. Yes, I can totally handle it.
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44. I will take care of Sharon.
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45. As long as she's carrying
my godchild inside of her,
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46. I am her god-husband.
She is my god-wife.
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47. And I will god-love her
forever. Come on, man.
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48. Don't say stuff like that.
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49. Which part? All of it?
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50. I'm going to assume
it's all of it,
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51. and just make my exeunt.
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52. Okay. Don't hurt me.
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53. Happy Thanksgiving, sir.
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54. This year, I'm more thankful than
ever to have you as my captain.
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55. And I'm thankful for
the low price of gasoline.
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56. And I'm thankful
for the friendship...
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57. I think there's been
a misunderstanding.
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58. There's no time for
everyone to have a turn.
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59. But I'm the only one
that didn't get to... Boyle.
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60. Now, with the Internet
being down,
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61. we'll have to do all
the paperwork by hand.
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62. Would you two be okay
with staying late tonight?
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63. Well, I was gonna
slow-cook a goose,
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64. but I guess I could
normal-cook her.
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65. Great. The bullpen is
getting overcrowded,
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66. and I don't want
the situation to deteriorate.
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67. I'm sorry if this
ruins your holiday.
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68. Nonsense.
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69. I'm thankful that you trust us
with such an important task.
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70. And I am thankful to have
such a dedicated employee.
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71. And I'm thankful...
Dismissed.
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72. Yep.
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73. Hey, Gina.
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74. I need a top-secret
favor.
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75. Sharon is coming to the
precinct and I need your help.
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76. Uh, it better not be pregnancy-related,
'cause that crap is nasty.
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77. The miracle of life?
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78. Dress it up however
you want,
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79. that's some disgusting
animal kingdom nonsense.
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80. Okay, don't worry
about Sharon.
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81. I'll take care of her. I've
got everything she needs.
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82. Pillow, blanket,
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83. copy of Breast-Feeders
magazine...
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84. Which, now that I say it out loud,
sounds like porn. Yep, it is.
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85. So what do you
need me for?
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86. Keeping Captain Holt
away from her.
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87. Terry says he gets very
awkward near Sharon.
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88. Hmm. That's one way
to put it.
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89. Ah, Sharon,
nice to see you.
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90. You look so big.
Like a mighty truck.
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91. I can help you avoid
Captain Holt.
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92. I'll keep you apprised
of his location at all times.
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93. Gina. Peralta.
He's behind me.
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94. Yeah.
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95. I love paperwork,
but this is crazy.
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96. There isn't even time
to savor it.
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97. Charles,
you're going so fast.
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98. I don't have a choice. We can't
let this place fill up with perps.
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99. Yeah, but you're
gonna cramp.
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100. Are you kidding, baby?
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101. I've been cramping
for the past 20 minutes.
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102. I'm so attracted
to you right now.
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103. Sharon.
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104. Mrs. Sarge, how are you?
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105. Very pregnant.
Is Terry back yet?
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106. Not yet, but he will
be back any minute,
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107. and in the meantime,
I will take great care
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108. of my godchild
and my god-wife.
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109. Oh, yes. Terry did tell me that
you might be calling me that.
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110. Aw, you guys
talk about me?
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111. Sharon!
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112. Hello.
Oh, Raymond. Hi.
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113. Um, Captain, I need you
to sign this here and here.
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114. Excuse me, everyone. We
got to keep this area clear.
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115. If you could all proceed in a
wall-like fashion to the briefing room.
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116. Oh, oh, oh.
That's it.
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117. Also, right here and here.
Human blockade style.
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118. And here, and here,
and here.
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119. Give me one second, Gina,
I just want to say hi to Sharon.
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120. Just, um...
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121. Sharon is gone.
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122. Gina...
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123. Is also gone.
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124. Well, Sharon is happy,
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125. and Captain Holt has
no idea where she is.
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126. Damn, we are good at
stashing pregnant ladies.
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127. Guys?
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128. My water just broke.
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129. Don't worry about that,
we'll just get you another one.
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130. Oh, you mean
your body water!
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131. That's much worse.
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132. Okay, Terry.
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133. I love you.
Just hurry back.
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134. I love you too, baby.
Put Jake on, okay?
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135. Hey there, Sarge. Everything
is totally under control.
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136. As you know, her water broke and
she's had a couple of contractions.
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137. And... Hey, Sharon,
how are you doing vaginally?
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138. What? Don't ask her that!
Okay.
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139. Jake, all you have to do
is keep her comfortable.
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140. I'm on my way.
Okay, sounds good.
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141. And do you want to just
meet us at the hospital or...
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142. No hospital!
No hospital!
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143. Okay. Got it. Got it. Cool,
cool, cool. No hospital.
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144. I am picking up what
you're screaming down.
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145. We had a terrible experience
when Cagney and Lacey were born.
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146. Last time we went
to the hospital,
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147. they pushed me to
have a C-section,
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148. didn't have enough rooms,
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149. and the anesthesiologist
was a med student
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150. who stabbed me
in the spinal cord
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151. 10 times before
he got it right!
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152. See? Needles in
your spine?
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153. Childbirth is
a horror movie.
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154. That is not helping.
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155. Jake, there's a copy of
our birth plan on my desk.
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156. Call the doula.
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157. Copy that.
I will call the doula.
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158. Which is a thing that
I definitely know what it is.
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159. A doula is someone
who supports you
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160. emotionally and physically and
coaches you through the process.
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161. Oh, I see. So, sort of
like a vaginal Gandalf.
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162. Stop saying that word!
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163. That's actually
a pretty good analogy.
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164. Well, Sharon liked it,
Sarge.
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165. All right, listen, you have
nothing to worry about.
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166. I've got it totally
under control here.
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167. Love you, bye. Great.
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168. So I'm gonna go get your birth
plan and then summon your wizard.
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169. Oh, Sharon, I heard you had
gone into labor in our police station.
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170. I hope you don't
contract an infection.
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171. Yeah, we all hope that.
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172. Hey, Capitán,
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173. can I speak with you outside
for just one moment?
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174. Don't leave me.
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175. Listen, you've got
your plate full today,
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176. and this whole Sharon-having-a-baby
thing is honestly beneath you.
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177. But I know a lot
about childbirth.
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178. My ex-boyfriend
Frederick was an OB/GYN,
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179. and we would often
talk about his work.
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180. Before he started
talking about it with...
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181. Dave.
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182. Well, you should
probably know that
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183. I also have a lot of
experience with childbirth.
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184. And, with a final grunt,
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185. the mighty rhino
expels her calf.
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186. Ugh!
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187. Gross! Come out
of an egg next time.
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188. I'm gonna go
check in on Sharon.
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189. Make sure she's not pushing prematurely,
fatiguing the uterus.
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190. Okay. Wait,
you can't talk to her!
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191. Terry doesn't
want you in there.
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192. You make her
uncomfortable.
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193. I make her uncomfortable?
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194. Well, that's ridiculous.
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195. I should go confront her
about this at length.
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196. No, wait! You could,
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197. but I think that would
probably stress her out,
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198. and we're trying to
keep her calm right now.
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199. So maybe just...
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200. Focus on work?
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201. Of course.
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202. I only want to help.
Whatever's best for Sharon.
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203. Really?
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204. You're fine with that?
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205. Absolutely.
I don't take it personally.
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206. I mean, it's about me and my
behavior specifically, nobody else,
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207. not Hitchcock or Scully...
But yeah, I'm fine.
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208. What a joyous occasion.
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209. So...
Sharon's water just broke.
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210. Are you kidding?
Let's go!
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211. Hold up.
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212. This guy knows where
our murderer is hiding.
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213. Just give me two minutes
alone with him.
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214. I'll let him know what's gonna
happen to him if he doesn't cooperate.
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215. I'm gonna miss
the birth of my child!
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216. It's a magical moment!
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217. Okay, okay!
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218. I'll tell you everything.
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219. Thank you for letting me be
part of this wonderful experience.
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220. You're a terrible person,
but you're welcome.
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221. There you go.
All right.
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222. Safe and sound.
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223. So I spoke
with your doily...
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224. Doula.
So close.
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225. And, unfortunately,
she is out of town for Thanksgiving.
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226. What?
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227. I also spoke with your backup doula,
who is in town.
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228. Oh, thank God. But is
assisting with another birth.
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229. Ugh! Should not have paused
between those two sentences.
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230. Yeah.
Jake, where's Terry?
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231. I don't know exactly,
but everything is okay.
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232. I have familiarized myself with the
soothing section of your birth plan,
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233. and I will now speak in a low,
calming, Barry White voice.
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234. Oh,
yeah. Just breathe, baby.
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235. You're making me
more tense.
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236. Yeah, I get why.
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237. I'm doing a bad,
bad job, girl.
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238. How about we put on
some relaxing music?
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239. I think that Terry's got
some CDs on his desk.
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240. Oh, great. Hey,
Gina, can you grab those?
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241. I have made the mistake
of looking at the birthing plan
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242. and just learned
what an episiotomy is.
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243. I'm gonna need 90 minutes.
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244. Okay. I'll grab the CDs.
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245. Be right back.
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246. Oh, hey, sir, thank you again
for letting us use your office.
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247. I'm fine. I'm getting a lot of
work done here at Gina's desk.
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248. It's wonderful. She has all
my favorite chewing gums.
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249. Okay, well,
I'm just getting some CDs
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250. from Terry's desk
to help relax Sharon.
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251. I don't know why you're
telling me. I'm not involved.
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252. You made that very clear.
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253. All right.
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254. Do you work here?
I do.
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255. My son was arrested
six hours ago,
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256. and nobody can tell me
when he's getting out.
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257. What is going on?
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258. What is going on?
My son...
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259. Yup.
My son...
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260. Great question.
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261. I will be right
with you folks.
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262. Guys, we have to clear
some of these people.
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263. I'm trying to keep things calm
for Sharon, and this is not helping.
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264. I don't know
what to tell you.
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265. I'm already
writing dangerously fast.
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266. It's Smudge City here, Jake.
Smudge City!
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267. I mean, the problem is,
we only have one fax machine,
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268. and it takes four
minutes per page.
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269. It's Logjam City, Jake.
Logjam City!
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270. Well, Sharon is about to have a baby,
all right?
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271. So I need it to be Calm
City in here. Calm City!
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272. Hey, if you need
more fax machines,
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273. there's a ton of them in that
storage room where I go to take a nap.
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274. What?
What?
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275. Why didn't
you say something?
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276. And once again,
Hitchcock and Scully save the day.
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277. You didn't do anything.
It was all Scully.
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278. We're a package deal,
everyone knows that.
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279. Why is this train stopped?
I'm freaking out!
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280. Sorry for the delay,
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281. but it turns out
there's an exciting reason.
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282. The train in front of us has
a pregnant woman on board,
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283. and she's giving birth.
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284. Oh, don't applaud that!
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285. Hey, this is terrible!
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286. I'm sorry, but my wife is
giving birth right now, too!
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287. No, that's not what I want!
It feels real forced.
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288. Move this train!
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289. All right,
so I was unable to get the CDs,
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290. however, I can sing you
a very soothing tune.
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291. Something like...
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292. When I get that feeling
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293. I need sexual healing...
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294. Oh boy.
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295. What is that?
Is there a fire?
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296. All right,
I'm gonna go check this out.
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297. Sharon, you stay here and
prepare to jump out the window.
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298. That came out weird.
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299. Guys, what the hell
is going on?
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300. Hitchcock and
Scully saved the day.
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301. No, you plugged
10 fax machines
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302. into one outlet
and caused a fire.
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303. But I pointed to the fire
extinguisher and was like,
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304. "The fire extinguisher's
over there."
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305. You pointed at
the toaster oven!
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306. You guys, the alarm
is freaking out Sharon.
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307. Does anyone know
how to turn it off?
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308. There's an override switch in
my office above the thermostat.
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309. Oh, great.
Can you turn it off?
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310. Yes, I'd love to
help out.
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311. Perhaps you'd like me to wear a
bomb suit with an opaque visor,
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312. so Sharon doesn't
know that it is I who...
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313. Just forget it.
I'll do it!
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314. Oh, good.
You didn't jump.
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315. What's going on?
Is everything okay?
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316. Yes, I just need to
flick this switch
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317. and turn off
the old alarm-a-roono.
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318. Oh, must've been
the wrong switch.
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319. But this one...
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320. Turns on the sprinklers.
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321. And apparently does not turn
them back off.
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322. Guys, what's going on?
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323. I thought you were gonna
clear the room?
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324. They won't listen to us.
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325. They're hungry and pissed
and they all hate cops.
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326. Would you guys just fix
the paperwork problem?
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327. I'll take care of this.
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328. Excuse me, everyone.
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329. Everyone, I'm gonna need
you all to clear the room.
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330. This woman is having
vaginal contractions.
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331. It's just "contractions,"
you don't have to add "vaginal" to it.
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332. Oh, sorry. This woman is
having non-vaginal contractions.
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333. Everyone out, please.
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334. That was better, right?
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335. Get you down...
Thank you. Thank you.
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336. All right, Sharon.
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337. Things are about to get
very calm in here, all right?
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338. Look at me. You're
gonna be so relaxed,
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339. that baby's gonna pop
right out
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340. onto the floor,
you won't even notice.
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341. Don't let my baby
touch the floor!
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342. Right, right!
Because of the filth.
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343. Where is Terry?
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344. I don't know.
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345. His phone's going
straight to voicemail.
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346. Maybe we should go
to the hospital.
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347. No hospital!
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348. Yeah, no hospital, baby.
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349. I will be right back.
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350. Sir?
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351. I need your help.
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352. I knew this moment would come,
and I will be the bigger man.
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353. I'd be happy to help.
Great.
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354. We need a doctor here
immediately.
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355. We have to get
your ex-boyfriend.
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356. I will not help you.
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357. Things did not end well
between Frederick and me.
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358. Ooh, why not?
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359. Dish, sir, dish.
Gina, no.
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360. I can't believe I'm saying this,
but we simply don't have time
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361. to hear about the Captain's
sordid romantic past.
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362. What have you become?
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363. A hero in a time
of crisis.
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364. You stay here and
take care of Sharon.
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365. Ugh. What if she's still
pregnant when I get in there?
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366. Then you'll deal with it.
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367. Sir, we're going to
get Frederick right now.
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368. I'm sure he's over whatever
little fight you guys had.
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369. Frederick?
Happy Thanksgiving.
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370. Huh.
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371. Six more miles.
Run, Terry, run!
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372. Think of your wife
in the care of Jake!
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373. Sarge, look!
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374. Aw, hell yeah!
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375. Terry is terrified!
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376. It's no use,
they're all ruined.
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377. No email, now no fax.
What're we gonna do?
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378. I'll tell you what
my dad used to tell me.
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379. "When the going gets tough,
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380. "the pill bug curls into a
ball and pretends to be dead."
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381. You think we should
pretend to be dead?
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382. You asked for a solution,
I gave you one.
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383. Hitchcock, Scully,
how did you get things done
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384. before the Internet
and faxing?
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385. Cocaine?
Right.
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386. And also the tubes.
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387. There's 27 miles
of pneumatic tubes
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388. under the city,
connecting all the precincts.
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389. Guys.
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390. You really think
these still work?
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391. Oh, I think they still...
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392. Help! Help!
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393. Okay, I found you
a pillow.
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394. Full disclosure,
it's Scully's hemorrhoid donut.
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395. I don't want that
near my baby.
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396. Yeah,
that's the right call.
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397. Okay,
I'm gonna go Howard Hughes my hands.
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398. I am so uncomfortable.
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399. Can we please try one of my
positions from my birth plan?
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400. Okay.
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401. Think positive
thoughts.
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402. You're in
a Channing Tatum movie.
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403. You're in
a Channing Tatum movie.
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404. I don't like Channing Tatum.
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405. I'm not talking to you.
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406. Please don't slam
the door again.
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407. We have a bit of
a medical situation.
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408. Well, I wish I could help,
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409. but unfortunately,
I have a bit of a wooden duck situation.
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410. Excuse me, what now?
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411. Still on about the duck,
Frederick?
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412. Years ago,
when we moved in together,
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413. an antique duck decoy
of his was misplaced.
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414. It wasn't misplaced.
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415. You threw it in the trash.
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416. And with it,
our relationship.
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417. Oh, please.
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418. We had other problems. Or
have you forgotten about...
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419. Dave?
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420. Dave and I were co-workers
and nothing more.
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421. Nothing more.
Right?
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422. Problem solved, everybody's
friends. Let's go help Sharon.
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423. I will be happy to
assist you
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424. if you will just admit,
Raymond,
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425. that you threw my decoy
in the garbage.
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426. That will never happen,
because it's not true.
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427. Thank you for nothing.
Good day.
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428. Hi. Would you mind
just standing there
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429. with your glorious beard
for one moment?
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430. I'll be right back.
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431. What the hell? Just tell
him what he wants to hear.
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432. But it's a lie.
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433. I don't give a crap, sir.
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434. Sharon needs a doctor,
so get over yourself.
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435. Tell him you threw away
his stupid duck,
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436. then give him 20 bucks
to buy a new one.
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437. It cost $740.
What?
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438. That is an insane price for
a duck! That's way too much!
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439. All right, now I'm angry
about the wrong thing.
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440. Look, just fix this
for Sharon.
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441. Frederick, the duck was ugly and
gross and I threw it in the garbage.
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442. Wow. Well, I know what I'm
thankful for this Thanksgiving.
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443. The truth.
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444. My phone's ringing!
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445. Oh! Oh, no! No!
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446. Terry's still not
answering his phone.
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447. Why am I the only one
who cares about this baby?
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448. Hey, what took so long?
Is she okay?
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449. Yeah, I was just telling her
the entire duck story,
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450. now that it finally
has a satisfying ending.
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451. No, everything's fine,
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452. but I am a little concerned
about Sharon's blood pressure.
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453. And this is
a terrible environment.
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454. I wouldn't call it
terrible.
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455. We're surrounded
by criminals,
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456. there's no bed,
and you can hear the faint sound
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457. of someone screaming
through all the vents.
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458. That's Hitchcock.
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459. His arm's stuck in
a pneumatic tube.
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460. It's hilarious.
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461. In my professional
opinion,
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462. Sharon should go
to the hospital.
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463. Hey.
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464. So, the doctor thinks we
should go to the hospital.
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465. No hospital!
No hospital!
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466. Yup, I thought
you might say that.
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467. Look, I can't get
a hold of Terry.
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468. That one was rough.
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469. Oh, maybe I should
listen to the doctor.
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470. What do you think?
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471. Sharon, it doesn't
matter what I think.
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472. You and the Sarge
have a plan.
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473. Yeah, but the plan changed,
like, five horrible things ago.
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474. I'm in a lot of pain.
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475. I mean, I know we said
no hospital, but...
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476. I don't want to risk anything
by making a stupid mistake.
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477. Look, you're my god-husband.
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478. We both know
that's a fake position.
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479. Not anymore.
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480. What would you do?
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481. Where is she?
Where's Sharon?
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482. Room 41B.
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483. Look, I'm sorry.
I know you said...
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484. Don't go
to the hospital!
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485. I tried calling you,
you didn't pick up.
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486. So you decided to do
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487. the exact opposite of
the one thing I told you?
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488. I thought it was
the right thing to do, Terry.
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489. Look, she's in there with Captain
Holt's ex-boyfriend right now,
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490. but don't worry, I made him
promise to stop bringing up the duck.
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491. What the hell are
you talking about?
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492. I... You know what?
I'll deal with you later.
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493. Seems like you already
dealt with me.
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494. I got the gist, we're good.
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495. Peralta, can I confess
something to you?
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496. I didn't throw Frederick's
duck in the garbage.
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497. Yes, I know, sir.
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498. I didn't throw the duck in the
garbage. I threw it off a bridge.
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499. Why would you do that?
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500. Well, Frederick and I
were having problems.
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501. He knew I disliked the duck
because of its weak beak,
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502. but he insisted on
displaying it anyway.
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503. I acted out
in a petty manner.
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504. Just as I did today.
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505. I'm sorry that
I wasn't more helpful.
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506. It's fine, I understand.
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507. You might find this
hard to believe,
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508. but I can be a little
childish sometimes, myself.
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509. Yes.
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510. You have gum in
your hair right now.
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511. Noted.
Hey!
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512. Hey! You guys came.
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513. What about all the paperwork?
We got it all in.
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514. Filed 900 forms by hand
in under 12 hours.
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515. It was tough, but worth it.
We wouldn't have missed this.
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516. Also, we had to go
to the ER anyway.
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517. Hitchcock's arm was
mangled by the tube.
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518. I'm in unspeakable pain.
Oh.
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519. Ugh, this is agonizing.
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520. It's been over an hour.
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521. This has to be a record
for longest childbirth.
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522. It's a girl!
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523. All right.
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524. Her name is Ava Jeffords.
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525. She's 14 pounds, 6 ounces.
Whoa.
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526. Oh, yeah, Terry Jeffords
makes big babies.
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527. Guys, I just want to say
thanks to all of you.
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528. Charles and Amy,
filling out forms.
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529. Rosa, I'm so thankful you
got me here on that bike.
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530. I'm thankful I could help.
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531. I'm thankful that I'm...
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532. Boyle, this is clearly a
moment between him and Diaz.
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533. Captain Holt,
you brought me the doctor
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534. that brought my girl
into the world.
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535. And Gina, I know you got past
your fears and helped Sharon out.
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536. I'm so happy for you
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537. and I never want to see your
daughter or remember this day.
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538. And Hitchcock and Scully,
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539. I assume you're here
for some unrelated injury.
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540. That's correct.
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541. Jake, can I see you
for a minute?
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542. Oh. Yeah.
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543. It's a girl.
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544. Ouch! Worth it.
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545. Sharon and I wanted you to
be the first person to meet Ava.
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546. Oh, wow.
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547. She's beautiful.
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548. I'm sorry I got angry earlier.
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549. You did a great job today.
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550. Hospital was
the right decision.
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551. I'm so glad
you're Ava's godfather.
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552. I'm so glad you're
Sharon's god-husband.
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553. I'm so glad
you're my god-wife.
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554. I have no idea what
I'm saying at this point.
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555. Thank you, Jake.
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556. You want to hold her?
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557. Oh, um...
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558. Yeah, sure, that'd be great.
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559. The baby, Jake!
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560. Yeah! Right, right,
the normal thing.
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