Brooklyn Nine-Nine 3x23

1. Come on, come on, Captain, pick up.

2. Your friend Bob is secretly working

3. for Jimmy "the Butcher" Figgis.

4. This is a call you're gonna wanna take.

5. Bob must've done something to him.

6. Or maybe they're talking about something super boring,

7. like potatoes or beans.

8. White rice, brown rice.

9. Those are just some of the rices I love. Hmm.

10. Also basmati. Hmm.

11. Uh, that's all of them now.

12. I should've known Agent Wheaton was dirty.

13. There were signs.

14. He wore a V-neck once.

15. Bob. You did nothing?

16. It's my greatest regret.

17. Well, at least he's still alive.

18. When he comes out of the coma, we'll get him to talk.

19. Would you mind getting us some food?

20. I can't fathom eating these candies that Peralta bought us.

21. Chocolate is the devil's carob.

22. And carob is Satan's raisin.

23. I'll go down to the cafeteria, see if I can't scare up some untoasted bread.

24. Yum.

25. Oh, Raymond.

26. HOLT: I forgot my wallet in my...

27. Bob, you've killed him.

28. And now I'm going to have to kill you.

29. I've never been more shocked.

30. This is bad. This is really bad.

31. Where would Bob have taken Holt?I don't know.

32. The library? Or an index card factory?

33. Is there such a thing as an accounting museum?

34. Hold on. I got this.

35. I know the captain's Find My Phone password.

36. He's at the hospital.

37. He's still at the hospital. You're a genius.

38. Well, I'd love to take credit,

39. but the truth is, life just isn't that hard.

40. We got to get to the hospital, and we got to get there fast.

41. Then I should drive. Why you?

42. I have nothing to live for, and I drive like it.

43. Okay, let's do it.

44. Jake called. We need to get back to New York right now.

45. No, no, no. You can't just leave.

46. We may need some of those contacts in the future.

47. You're gonna go say goodbye, and you're gonna mean it.

48. So while I'm happy the Supreme Court threw out my conviction,

49. I'm also really sad

50. to be leaving all of you.

51. Bethany, I know you're an arsonist,

52. but now it's time to set the culinary world on fire.

53. Sheila, you have the voice of an angel.

54. Whoever your next music producer is,

55. maybe don't stab him.

56. Jen, you're a Nazi. We never really clicked.

57. Stay innocent, ladies.

58. No, no, no. What happened?

59. He flat-lined 20 minutes ago.

60. The two men who were in this room, where did they go?

61. I don't know.

62. Okay, thanks.

63. Gina said Holt is still in the building.

64. But where?

65. I have to get into their heads.

66. Whew.

67. "Bob, what are you doing?"

68. "I'm breaking the law, Raymond,

69. because I'm the worst.

70. "Now walk out of this room as if nothing is happening."

71. "You'll never get away with this, Bob.

72. "Jake is on his way. He's a great cop, and he's going to save me."

73. "Really? He seemed so immature."

74. "Yes, he seems that way, but I know the real Jake.

75. "He's like a son to me.

76. "And when this is all through, we're going on a road trip together."

77. Jake. Rosa, shh! I'm working on the case right now.

78. That's weird.

79. There's a smudge on this sign right over the H.

80. There's a smudge on this H, too.

81. Oh, my God, why would you touch a hospital thing

82. and then put it in your mouth?

83. It's chocolate. Great instincts. Never doubt yourself.

84. Holt is trying to send us a message

85. using the candy bar I gave him.

86. Just act natural, Raymond.

87. Eat your candy bar.

88. I can't. It's disgusting.

89. I don't care.

90. H is for Holt. He's leading us right to him.

91. Now all we have to do is follow the trail of chocolate.

92. This... This is why I became a cop.

93. Charles, what took so long?

94. I want to get out of this suit before we take off.

95. We're not going anywhere. The flight is booked,

96. and there's already a huge stand-by line.

97. What? We have to get on that plane.

98. Were you stern? Amy, you know I wasn't.

99. I've got this. Holt's in danger, and that lady's in my way.

100. Never get between a teacher's pet and her teacher.

101. Hmm.

102. Okay, vest lady. I don't care what you have to do...

103. Oh, you sweet thing, you're pregnant.

104. So pregnant. What a miracle, right?

105. Please give me special treatment.

106. I ripped her a new one, and guess what fell out.

107. Two tickets to New York. Ugh...

108. First class upgrade. Oh!

109. No chocolate smudges in this entire parking garage.

110. Or on floors one through five. We've officially lost the trail.

111. Unless...

112. No, that's not chocolate.

113. What is that?

114. What? Don't eat it again.

115. Wait, getting a text.

116. It's Captain Holt.

117. Where is he? What'd he say?

118. "Inib rue tiid."

119. Wait, I'm getting another one.

120. These are nonsense. He's been gagged.

121. How would that come through in a text, Scully?

122. Wait a minute. I know what's going on.

123. He's secretly trying to text us from his pocket.

124. When I die, please give Kevin my regards.

125. What shall I tell him?

126. Regards.

127. Scully, these look like the weird texts you always send.

128. Touch screen phones don't respond correctly to my fingers.

129. It's 'cause I've been electrocuted so many times.

130. Hold on, I bet we can reverse-engineer this thing.

131. Scully, type this into your phone.

132. "Inib rue tiid." Two "I's.

133. It came out... "Imm on rha rooj"

134. "I'm on the roof." He's on the roof.

135. Oh, God bless you, Scully, and your weird, dead hands.

136. You and Hitchcock are killing it.

137. Oh, my God. Let's just go.

138. Freeze. Drop your weapon.

139. One more step, and I kill your captain.

140. Come on, Bob. What are you doing up here?

141. Why are you on the roof?

142. Oh, my God. You're gonna zip-line off of this thing

143. like an American ninja. That is such a cool escape plan.

144. Actually, I was gonna throw Raymond over the side

145. and make it look like a bird-watching accident.

146. Oh, please, do you think anyone's gonna actually...

147. It's genius. There's a red-tailed hawk roost a block away,

148. and I've got a pair of micro binoculars in my pocket,

149. like a fool.

150. Okay, well, I stand corrected. Just drop the gun and surrender.

151. If you turn on Figgis, this doesn't have to end badly for you.

152. You still have that file with all the evidence against him?

153. You mean the one you handed me?

154. That was a good idea at the time, we all thought that.

155. Yes, that file's in a safe place, and you're never getting it.

156. Don't be foolish, Bob. You're outnumbered. Outnumbered, my bottom.

157. Figgis's men are on the way. Yes, I called for backup.

158. Captain, down.

159. Oh-ho!

160. Terry took you down.

161. Nice timing, Sarge.

162. How'd you know we were up here?

163. Captain marked the Hs in chocolate,

164. which I instantly connected to the giant helipad H

165. we're on right now.

166. Oh, cool.

167. Cool, yes, we also solved that.

168. Came straight up here to the roof.

169. We didn't wander around even for a second. We're all smart.

170. Smart. This is a good hiding space.

171. Scully, why are you lying down?

172. 'Cause there was a bed here.

173. You took your shoes off.

174. All right, look, a bunch of sketchy black SUVs just pulled up outside.

175. Either it's Figgis's guys, or Beyoncé stubbed her toe.

176. Don't even joke about that, Jake.

177. That would be our new number one priority.

178. We have to call for backup.

179. Figgis has people in the NYPD and the FBI.

180. So good luck with that.

181. Well, betraying the FBI is one thing, but sarcasm, Bob? Wow!

182. All right, we're on our own.

183. We got to get Bob out of this hospital and to a secure location,

184. some place the NYPD doesn't know about.

185. Captain, you're a grown-up, let's just use your lake house.

186. For the last time, not all grown-ups have lake houses.

187. We can go to my apartment. No one knows where I live.

188. I thought you had Amy over there once.

189. Yeah, it was fun. I moved the next day.

190. Rosa's place it is.

191. Well, they know what Bob looks like,

192. but they've never seen us. They think we're just a big group of cops.

193. What if we didn't look like cops?

194. I'm from New York, I'm from New York

195. I'm from, I'm from New York

196. Great, everyone looks fantastic, and our hats look normal.

197. Wow, Sarge, you are just stuffed into those scrubs. How do you do it?

198. Exercise and diet. It's not that hard.

199. Eh, seems pretty hard to me. I don't think I'm gonna do that.

200. This brings back memories. I loved playing doctor as a child.

201. The cancer has spread.

202. Get your house in order.

203. So we can sneak out like this, but what about Bob?

204. Not to worry. I've got that covered. Hitchcock.

205. And, yes, he is bound and gagged under there,

206. but more importantly, you said, "What about Bob?"

207. That's the name of a movie. Holt made a pop culture reference.

208. All right, let's go.

209. Okay, let's go over our exit strategy one more time.

210. Seat 2A is gonna need help with her bags. She has twig arms.

211. So if she blocks us, I play the pregnancy card.

212. And remember, leave our luggage and...

213. Roll the dice with lost and found.

214. I know, I've been studying this map

215. you drew on the barf bag for 40 minutes.

216. Sorry, working is the only thing

217. keeping me from worrying about the squad

218. and completely spiraling.

219. Hot towels? For the billionth time, no.

220. We don't want your boiled rags.

221. No, thank you.

222. I don't know if it's keeping you from spiraling.

223. Look, why don't we just take our mind off everything?

224. We're in first class. We get free movies.

225. What? No. We can't enjoy ourselves

226. while the squad is in danger. That's not fair.

227. Amy, we're trapped here for three hours.

228. There's nothing else we can do.

229. Fine, I'll watch a movie, but nothing we'll like too much.

230. No new releases. Of course not.

231. We'll just put on whatever's first alphabetically.

232. 27 Dresses.

233. His cerebral blood circulation is infarcted. Get me an ICP catheter, stat.

234. Wow, that was amazing, Sarge.

235. I watch a lot of Grey's Anatomy.

236. That show's surprisingly accurate.

237. Yeah, the one episode I watched,

238. there was a bomb in the guy's butt.

239. Oh, that's a good one. He's crashing.

240. Push 10 ccs of corticosteroids,

241. plus prep an ER for surgical decompression.

242. Look, I don't know what any of this means, but I feel like Sandra Oh.

243. Doctor, do you need me to start a line? Oh, we're good.

244. You said he's crashing. Here's a syringe.

245. Oh, good, I'll use this to puncture his skin.

246. Uh-oh! We got company.

247. Uh, this man has a bomb in his butt.

248. We got to go.

249. Code silver, code silver.

250. Split up.

251. You okay?

252. Yeah, yeah.

253. I'm just so into the movie,

254. you know, really worried about Katherine Heigl

255. and her dressmaking business.

256. I'm sorry, dressmaking business?

257. Her architecture firm?

258. Her cupcake bakery.

259. The magazine she edits?

260. Jane is the executive assistant

261. to an outdoor lifestyle entrepreneur.

262. You're not even watching.

263. I'm sorry. I can't focus. I'm spiraling. Ugh, I knew it.

264. If 27 Dresses doesn't distract you, nothing will, nothing will.

265. So what do we do?

266. We're gonna embrace the spiral.

267. We're gonna talk about these fears. Things are about to get real.

268. Excuse me, ma'am. Yes?

269. We're gonna need a box of tissues and some cozy blankets.

270. Okay. Oh, one more thing.

271. Mmm-hmm? Y'all got sundaes?

272. Nice. Bedpan to the face. That's what this is?

273. Ugh! I put my hands in it.

274. Figgis's men are everywhere,

275. and now there's hospital security at all the exits.

276. How are we gonna escape? Relax.

277. There's a million ways to get out of a hospital unnoticed.

278. Name one.

279. Dress up like babies. What?

280. Well, you put me on the spot. Well, you brought it up.

281. All right, wait, wait, wait. I've got a real plan.

282. Hey. Go right. Go right.

283. Jake, Jake, Jake. Abandon gurney. Abandon gurney.

284. Damn it. It's not Bob.

285. Code silver. Can't let you out.

286. Look, you have to help me. I'm an FBI agent.

287. I am Serena Williams.

288. I'm sorry, they both suffer from grandiose delusional disorder.

289. GDD.

290. I've been taken hostage here. And I'm supposed to be at Wimbledon.

291. It's my serve.

292. No, no, no, I am not crazy.

293. Yes, he is, deeply.

294. We need to transfer them both to a secure psychiatric facility.

295. Serena here just bit off a doctor's nose.

296. It tasted delicious.

297. Yeah, you can go.

298. No, no, call the FBI.

299. No, call Venus. Call Venus.

300. Have a seat, Bob.

301. Wow, Rosa. This is how you live?

302. What were you expecting?

303. I don't know, rock walls, weapons everywhere, a waterfall for a door...

304. I guess I was just picturing the Batcave.

305. Why do you need a vase full of lemons?

306. The room needed a pop of color.

307. Who are you?

308. All right, Bob, it's time to tell us where that file is.

309. And why would I do that?

310. Because we are your only chance of getting out of this.

311. You have tons of evidence on Figgis,

312. which means he's probably gonna kill you.

313. If you turn on him, we can get you into witness protection.

314. You'll get a nice little house somewhere in Florida.

315. I think you'd love Florida, Bob.

316. I've never actually been there, but Pitbull's videos

317. make it seem muy caliente.

318. I know Figgis, and you're in far more danger than I.

319. He's coming for you. And I guarantee his soldiers find this place.

320. Not gonna happen.

321. I rent it out under a shell corporation. Yeah.

322. - My mail goes to a P.O. box in Queens. - Yeah.

323. My neighbors think my name is Emily Goldfinch.

324. Oh, yeah. People I work with

325. all think my name is Rosa Diaz.

326. Yeah... Wait, what? Don't worry about it.

327. Okay. Enough.

328. I'm gonna get this punk to talk. Oh, Bob,

329. you are S'ed in the B.

330. I can't lose Holt.

331. I've barely scratched the surface

332. of the amount of approval I need from him.

333. Can I have your cherry? Oh, get in there, girl.

334. And Jake. I haven't seen him in weeks, and it's been so hard.

335. I love him so much.

336. Oh, my God.

337. I've said I love you to him before,

338. but I've never added "so much."

339. What if I never get to say "so much"?

340. What about me? What if something happens to Jake,

341. and he never gets to meet my baby?

342. I don't want to hang out with some stupid baby

343. who's never met Jake.

344. Excuse me. Two more sundaes.

345. Oh, we've already begun our descent,

346. so we've suspended our food services.

347. Oh, I'm sorry. Are we still in coach?

348. Or are we in first class where the rules don't apply?

349. Charles, it's okay. We're about to land. You got me through the spiral.

350. Oh, my God, you're right. We did it.

351. I am so sorry we yelled at you.

352. But we will take those sundaes to go.

353. And I don't care if you don't have a lid.

354. Y'all make a lid.

355. All right, here we go. Captain's about to lay into him.

356. You need to tell me where the file is.

357. I'm sorry, Ray. I'd rather not.

358. Okay, not the dynamic start I wanted,

359. but I'm sure he's just getting warmed up.

360. I'd prefer not to ask you again.

361. You sound desperate.

362. I'm under your skin.

363. The only things under my skin are oil glands, hair bulbs,

364. nerve fibers, blood vessels, and a bit of fatty tissue.

365. You forgot about Ruff tot's corpuscle.

366. Oh, my God, you're rattled. Checkmate.

367. I don't think that was as vicious a burn as he thinks.

368. You beat me. It's over. I've lost all authority.

369. Who's next?

370. All right, Bob.

371. You want to play hardball? Good.

372. Word on the street is, you like jazz.

373. I don't just like jazz,

374. I'm fond of it.

375. I don't understand the difference.

376. Tell me where the file is right now,

377. or I will ruin jazz for you forever.

378. I'd like to see you try.

379. Wrong choice, daddy-o.

380. Skeeba-dee-skop-gop, boo-ba-roppin jazz

381. Jazzity-jazz, joozle jazz

382. Jizz jang jingle jazz

383. What are you gonna tell your kids, man? That their daddy's a crook?

384. I don't have any kids.

385. My whole thing was based on you having kids.

386. Now all of this is gonna be hypothetical.

387. No tools, Diaz.

388. All right, mister, here are five stories about my cousin Lee-Ann

389. and her alleged Lyme disease.

390. How's that gonna make me talk?

391. Not everything's about you, Bob. I just needed to vent.

392. God, you're such a Lee-Ann.

393. All right, listen up, buddy. You're gonna tell us where it is.

394. And also what it is. We're a little unclear what we're after.

395. Zwee-bop, zwee-bob, Bob and the mob

396. Mob-mob-mob Bob-Bob-Bob

397. No swords.

398. So she's gonna look up at you,

399. with hypothetical tears in her hypothetical eyes,

400. and ask why all the other hypothetical daddies

401. came in for career day.

402. I can't. I can't.

403. So it's like, "Yeah, maybe you're tired all the time

404. "because you're sick, Lee-Ann,

405. "or maybe you're depressed because you live in Reno."

406. Ta-ta, ta-ta-ta, ta-ta, dibbity-doo

407. Cymbal-cymbal-cymbal-cymbal cymbal-cymbal

408. What just happened? Somebody cut the power.

409. Time's up. Looks like Figgis found you.

410. Okay, door's secure. That's the last of the candles.

411. Is that multi-wick?

412. Am I smelling basil and tangerine?

413. It's called "Summer's Kiss."

414. What the hell is going on with you?

415. I hate to rub it in, detectives, but I told you they'd find me.

416. Sniper. Everybody down.

417. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Wrong guy. Wrong guy. Bob.

418. Stay away from the windows. Captain, table.

419. Oh, my God. What's going on? They tried to kill me.

420. Argh!

421. We have to get out of here, and we have to get out of here now.

422. It's cool. I have a panic room.

423. Yes. There's the Rosa I know.

424. "Summer's Kiss" my ass.

425. But it won't fit all of us.

426. Well, looks like Bob's the odd man out. Bye, Bob.

427. No, no, no. You have to take me with you. They'll kill me.

428. Look, I'll talk. The file is in a safe deposit box.

429. The keys are in my car in the lining of my trunk.

430. All right, fine. Take Bob with you into the panic room.

431. Rosa and I'll find another way out.

432. I'm sure you will, son.

433. You called me son. No take-backs.

434. How will I know to open the door?

435. When you hear me knock the Funky Cold Medina.

436. I don't know what the Funky Cold Medina is.

437. Even context clues have failed me.

438. All right, you'll know it's me.

439. Why'd you do it, Bob?

440. Why'd you betray everything you ever stood for?

441. I spent 14 years bringing down a Mexican cartel.

442. You know what they gave me for it?

443. A letter of commendation with my last name misspelled.

444. In all fairness, Bob, who spells Anderson with three Ns?

445. Regardless,

446. I figured if they're not gonna give me any respect, I might as well get paid.

447. Was it worth it? Of course.

448. I made millions. I traveled the world. I've eaten whale.

449. I always assumed whale would be too fatty.

450. Well, I don't have to assume. I know for a fact it is.

451. It's disgusting. I threw up.

452. That sounds funky. Must be Jake.

453. What's going on?

454. Ha-ha! We fooled you, you fool.

455. I was gonna do something cooler,

456. but then I was just like, "Go with what you feel."

457. Who are these people?

458. Oh, well, this is my best friend, Charles,

459. and this is my girlfriend, Amy. She's not really pregnant.

460. We're taking things slow, but it's going really good.

461. Jake. Right.

462. They arrived about an hour ago.

463. Sir, I'm gonna need you to cut the power

464. for Rosa Diaz in apartment 410.

465. 410 is Emily Goldfinch. Who?

466. Curly black hair, always smiling, a little chatty for my taste.

467. I have so many questions, but there's no time.

468. Cut the power.

469. The sniper was Charles.

470. Bang.

471. And Rosa.

472. And while you were cowering in the panic room,

473. I went and got this file to make sure you weren't lying.

474. Well, what happened in here? It looks like there was a fight.

475. It was me.

476. I was done with this place the minute you all stepped foot in it.

477. Oops! Guess you should have taken our witness protection offer

478. and gone to Florida, Bob.

479. We have more than enough evidence to take you and Figgis down.

480. You've been played, Bob. It was all a ruse.

481. You don't work with Jake Peralta for three years

482. without knowing what the Funky Cold Medina is.

483. Oh, hell, yeah. I asked the guy, "Why you so fly?"

484. He said, "Funky Cold Medina."

485. Funky Cold Medina. Zero rehearsal.

486. I just got off the phone with the DOJ.

487. They've arrested over 75 of Figgis's men. His operation is decimated.

488. Did they find Figgis?

489. Not yet, but they're confident they will.

490. And when they do, Detective Pimento can come home.

491. Can't wait. I'm gonna eat his face off.

492. You guys are so cute. I'd like to propose a toast.

493. Even when Bob held that gun to my head, I was not afraid,

494. because I knew you were on the case.

495. I respect the hell out of each and every one of you.

496. Nine-Nine. Nine-Nine.

497. Love it when everyone chants that. Mmm.

498. So, Charles and I really got into it on the plane,

499. and around sundae number five, I realized, we should move in together.

500. You and Charles?

501. No, you and me. Oh!

502. Yes, that makes so much more sense.

503. Absolutely, immediately, let's do that.

504. I love you so much.

505. Aw, I love you so much, too.

506. I love this so much.

507. So, I guess Charles was listening to our conversation.

508. Yeah. Yeah. Ooh, I'm gonna get this.

509. Hello?(VOICE DISTORTED) Jake Peralta?

510. This is Jimmy Figgis.

511. Oh! Uh...

512. Hey, dog.

513. You and Ray Holt took down my operation.

514. Now I'm gonna kill you both.

515. Later, dog.

516. Uh, Captain Holt?

517. Blue skies smiling at me

518. Nothing but blue skies

519. Do I see

520. Morning, Greg.

521. Morning, Larry.

522. Nothing but bluebirds

523. All day long