Brooklyn Nine-Nine 3x19

1. Bonjour, mes amis.

2. Oh, someone had a good time in Paris.

3. Oh, Kevin and I shared a perfect week together.

4. I feel like I'm floating on a croissant.

5. I wonder why people don't just break into song more often.

6. I've been asking you for months

7. if I could answer the phone like,

8. Who dis?

9. Give it a whirl, girl.

10. Guys, he's rhyming.

11. He's telling Gina to sing.

12. Captain Holt is on a vacation high!

13. He will say yes to anything right now.

14. I would like a police horse,

15. and I'd like Terry to be riding it almost constantly.

16. I'd like an HR person to remind everyone about workplace boundaries.

17. The Japanese make toilet seats

18. which squirt a heated jet of water right up your...

19. I'm gonna stop you right there, bud.

20. What we need in here is an armored personnel carrier.

21. A tank! Two tanks. I want a tank too.

22. Great, so everyone gets a tank.

23. Just remember we can't ruin Captain Holt's vacation high,

24. so no one say anything that'll upset him.

25. Oh, no, what are those morons doing in there?

26. Maybe it's not that bad. Maybe they didn't upset him.

27. What'd you do? What'd you say?

28. Nothing. We just said, "Welcome back."

29. And laughed with him about all the weight he gained in France.

30. No! Why is everyone just standing around?

31. Get back to work!

32. So long, tank.

33. "Tank"?

34. I gained three pounds in Paris...

35. Three pounds!

36. Hey, Terry, I have a package for you.

37. Ooh, Sarge got a present.

38. "What's in the box?" Brad Pitt, Se7en.

39. But seriously, what's in the box?

40. The worst thing in the world.

41. Shut up, stupid.

42. Okay, so who sent you a kitten and why do you hate it?

43. It's not a kitten.

44. It's a slap in the face for something

45. that happened 20 years ago.

46. When you had a flattop? I know you had a flattop,

47. 'cause I saw pictures.

48. Sorry, go on with your story, Flat Top Terry.

49. It was 1995.

50. I'd just made detective.

51. I was really excited about my first day at the Six-Five,

52. but the guys in the squad were a bunch of jerks.

53. Hi, I'm Terry.

54. Which desk is mine?

55. Solve a case, then you get a desk.

56. They were like that about a lot of stuff.

57. Whoa. Solve a case, then you get coffee.

58. Solve a case, then you can sign Debbie's birthday card.

59. Sounds like you needed to solve a case.

60. Exactly.

61. So I picked the biggest one I could find.

62. A string of B&Es, all with the same MO.

63. Guy climbed in through high-rise windows.

64. After a month, I found my suspect.

65. Dmitri Kuzkho.

66. Ex-acrobat with a criminal record.

67. Circus trash! It has to be him.

68. That's exactly what I said.

69. Circus trash! It has to be him.

70. I tracked down my acrobat,

71. got SWAT to surround his building.

72. There was no way anything could go wrong.

73. NYPD! Down! Get on the ground!

74. Let's see your hands!

75. Uh-oh.

76. My guy had a terrible trapeze fall two years prior.

77. Snapped his spine in half.

78. So why the kitten?

79. Well, in the moment,

80. I may have gotten a little flustered.

81. Look, he's got a cat!

82. He trained the cat to do the robberies!

83. That's why they call them "Cat burglars"!

84. Why is no one saying anything?

85. Oh, Terry.

86. Yeah, now they send me cats

87. to remind me of that day and rub it in my face.

88. I'm gonna go put an ad online

89. so I can find someone to adopt this evil, little turd.

90. Counterpoint... You two make an adorable couple.

91. Might I suggest putting him in a mug

92. and pretending to take a sip?

93. Terry, are you stomping off to do my thing?

94. Oh, hey, can I borrow that? Genevieve's out of town.

95. I need two phones so I can send her a "frontie" and a "backie."

96. I don't want your ass in my cloud.

97. Adrian, are you living in the break room?

98. No, why do you ask?

99. Uh, because you're shaving your shoulder in our communal eating space,

100. you have a bed set up on the couch, stuff like that.

101. Fine. Busted.

102. My landlord kicked me out

103. because my stupid neighbors couldn't handle a few tiny night screams.

104. I was dreaming that someone was trying to scalp me

105. with a sharpened grapefruit spoon.

106. Aren't brains fascinating?

107. I mean, where does it come up with this stuff?

108. When I was undercover, someone did try and scalp me

109. with a sharpened grapefruit spoon.

110. Sure, that would do it. Aren't you dating Rosa?

111. Can't you just stay with her?

112. Oh, yeah, no, we're doing this really hot thing

113. where we haven't told each other where we live.

114. Makes our sex play really erotic.

115. Barf. I totally get that.

116. Well, you let me know if there's anything I can do.

117. Oh. Yes, I will stay at your home. Thank you.

118. Me? What... How now?

119. You just said you wanted to help.

120. Oh, unless you weren't being serious, which I would get.

121. I've been betrayed before.

122. For instance, by the grapefruit spoon guy.

123. No, no, no, definitely. You could stay with me.

124. Oh! You're the best, Chuck! Thank you!

125. But for real, get yourself some good earplugs,

126. because I really downplayed how horrible those night screams are.

127. Ah. All right, I'll see you later, roomie.

128. All right.

129. Attention! The Nine-Nine will be hosting

130. a bomb-defusing class tomorrow.

131. I highly recommend attending.

132. Defusing an explosive device

133. is the ultimate test of skill under pressure.

134. And the stakes... Life or death.

135. Will lunch be provided? Yes.

136. Count us in. Anyone else?

137. I'm in. Me too.

138. This class sounds like "da bomb."

139. I'd rather you didn't attend if you're not gonna take it seriously.

140. Yup. Dismissed.

141. I'm gonna dominate that class.

142. You don't cross-stitch for 20 years

143. without developing a steady hand.

144. You really think that's a brag, don't you?

145. Twenty bucks says I do better in that class than you do,

146. thread-head.

147. All right, you're on.

148. And I'll have you know that "thread-head"

149. is a glowing compliment in the sewing community.

150. If you wanted to insult me,

151. you should've called me a stitch skipper.

152. Okay, stitch skipper.

153. Oh, I handed it to you!

154. You better look cute in this picture,

155. or no one's gonna want you.

156. Do something with your damn paws!

157. Whoa, whoa. Sarge, relax.

158. Look, I think you might be overreacting a little to this prank,

159. and I should know.

160. You probably won't believe this,

161. but I was bullied in high school

162. for being too handsome.

163. I don't believe you. You're right.

164. It was for setting my crotch on fire in shop class.

165. Hurt like the dickens.

166. Point is, haters gonna hate. Shake it off.

167. Taylor Swift, always right.

168. The reason bullies get to me is because I lived with one...

169. My dad.

170. He was a cruel man who didn't like his life, and he took it out on me.

171. Okay, okay.

172. Now we're getting somewhere.

173. If you're having dad problems,

174. that's my jam, son.

175. Real weird take on my crappy father.

176. You know how I turned the corner with my dad?

177. I stood up to him,

178. and that's what you need to do with your dad.

179. No, he died in 1988.

180. Oh, okay, well, that probably won't work, then.

181. But it doesn't mean you can't go over to the Six-Five

182. and stand up to those bullies.

183. They'll just make fun of me more.

184. What are you talking about, Terry?

185. You are a human mountain.

186. You have more muscles in your ears than I have in my entire body.

187. Never skip ear day, Jake.

188. You can crush metal with your bare hands.

189. You can lift a city bus.

190. You can make your boobies do that bouncy thing.

191. They're called pecs. Same thing.

192. Now, get on over to the Six-Five

193. and make those big jerks take back that tiny kitten.

194. Yeah. All right. I'm doing it.

195. Didn't work.

196. Now I have more kittens than before.

197. What? How?

198. Morning, Sarge.

199. Oh. Good morning, my sweet, little cuties.

200. Don't call them cute.

201. They'd kill us all if they were smart enough to use weapons.

202. But you're not smart, you're dumb.

203. You're always naked, and you pee in a box.

204. I suppose they're not totally naked with the fur.

205. Anyways, you know how you didn't solve that case 20 years ago?

206. Thanks for reminding me.

207. You don't see me bringing up how you burned your junk off.

208. That didn't happen.

209. There was just some light blistering.

210. The point is, the only thing those bullies have over you

211. is that you never solved that case.

212. So why don't we solve it together?

213. How are we gonna do that?

214. We'll sneak into the Six-Five, steal that old case file,

215. and work it till we find your burglar.

216. Then we march back into that precinct...

217. And we grind these kittens up and shove them down their throats!

218. Yes!

219. Don't listen to him.

220. You're a part of something much bigger than yourselves.

221. Well, good morning, Linetti.

222. Whoo, I slept like a frickin' baby last night.

223. Staying at Chuck's is like a dream.

224. Little guy loves doting on me.

225. Although, you're gonna need to buy some bigger underwear

226. if we're gonna be sharing. You know what I mean?

227. Okay, I'll get right on that. Okay, cool.

228. Here. Take care of this for me, will you? Yeah.

229. I'm gonna go get some breakfast candy.

230. Okay, catch you later.

231. So things are going really good with the new roomie, it seems.

232. It's horrible.

233. There's someone's blood all over the bathroom.

234. He sleep-choked me twice.

235. And the worst part, this morning, he ate all of my cereal.

236. That's the worst part?

237. They were Nortfluskers bran circles!

238. I have them shipped from Oslo.

239. I want him out.

240. But I'm too scared to tell him.

241. All right, listen.

242. I know that your spirit animal is a caterpillar that's been stepped on.

243. But mine is the mighty wolf.

244. And if you want to beat an alpha,

245. you have to be an alpha.

246. Wrongo.

247. If you're good enough at being a beta,

248. then the alpha takes mercy on you

249. and ends up giving you what you want.

250. Boyle. Argh!

251. Could you stay out of your kitchen for the next, like, 48 hours?

252. I'm gonna be skinning a deer that I shot. What?

253. Ooh, and put up some of those plastic sheets.

254. I have no idea what I'm doing.

255. Okay. Okay, great.

256. Good talk, buddy. Yup.

257. I got the file.

258. Oh, nice work. How'd you do it?

259. Well...

260. The sergeant in charge of the file room was a lady,

261. so I just turned on the old Peralta charm.

262. Hey, there.

263. Some dude yarfed in the men's restroom.

264. Could you please find somebody to clean that up?

265. Terry, there was no yarf.

266. Yeah, I figured that.

267. Oh, okay.

268. Let's see what we got here.

269. Forty photos of you standing next to the guy in the wheelchair

270. and his cat.

271. They did a photo-shoot. They made mouse pads.

272. They are bad dudes.

273. All right, here's our plan.

274. We are gonna re-interview all the original victims from this case,

275. starting with the first one,

276. Janice McMinnion.

277. Uh, she died 12 years ago.

278. All right, the second one. Also dead.

279. Okay, why don't you just skip on down

280. to the first person that's not dead.

281. Number eight.

282. Number eight, way to stay alive.

283. Number eight, still alive

284. Number eight, still alive

285. Moment of silence for the first seven, though.

286. All right, let's go!

287. Ah, pressure bombs with mercury switches.

288. IEDs with cell phone detonators.

289. Oh. Is that C-4?

290. Oh, my, we've got some great bombs today, people.

291. Welcome.

292. In this course, we'll be going over how to dispose

293. of 10 different types of explosive devices.

294. What you learn today could save your lives and countless others.

295. Any questions? Yes.

296. Will there be a grading or point system to see who's best?

297. At saving lives.

298. Yes, at saving lives.

299. Saving lives was always implied.

300. Well, you will be timed.

301. Perfect. That'll do.

302. But I would recommend ignoring the clock and focusing on...

303. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you answered the question.

304. Hurry up and teach us.

305. Hey, slowpoke.

306. When we get out of here,

307. I'm gonna needlepoint you a pillow that says, "Kapow."

308. Hey, Amy. You suck.

309. Oh, yeah? Well, guess what?

310. There's more room on that pillow...

311. Real quick, before you finish, you still suck.

312. Argh! I'm working so much harder than you on this trash talk,

313. and I'm the one whose feelings are getting hurt.

314. Santiago, Diaz... Enough.

315. This is not about who's fastest.

316. This is a bomb dismantling class.

317. We are police officers, not street urchins

318. playing speed chess in the park.

319. For shame.

320. All right, thanks.

321. Okay, here's what Esther remembers

322. about the night that she was robbed.

323. She was either at a restaurant or the movies or doing something else.

324. And she was either alone or with people.

325. The only thing she was absolutely sure of

326. is that I seem like a very nice boy,

327. which is not relevant to the case,

328. but did make me feel very good.

329. This is stupid.

330. It was 20 years ago.

331. No one remembers anything.

332. I'm beginning to think maybe we should...

333. Climb out on that ledge and see how the perp got in.

334. I was gonna say "give up." What?

335. Right after I came up with that incredible ledge thing, Terry?

336. We're 10 stories up. You can handle that?

337. Sarge, I'm not scared of heights, okay?

338. I'm scared of bees, I'm scared of snakes,

339. and I'm scared that the Knicks might never be good again,

340. but I am not scared of heights.

341. We're gonna die! We're gonna die!

342. We're gonna die! We're gonna die!

343. We're gonna die! We're gonna die!

344. We're gonna die!

345. I would appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone

346. about my window ledge freak-out.

347. That's not as embarrassing as thinking

348. we could actually solve a 20-year-old case with no new leads.

349. Terry, we are gonna solve this, all right?

350. Sure, maybe none of the work we did today led to any new information.

351. Jake... And sure, most crimes are solved

352. within the first 48 hours, but they never talk about the crimes

353. that are solved within the first 100 million hours.

354. No, look at this.

355. The guy who inspected this elevator in 1996

356. was named Zerb Gudanya.

357. That's the same weird name who inspected the elevators

358. in all four of the buildings we've been to today.

359. Really?

360. Terry, that's a lead. We have a lead!

361. We got a lead!

362. We got a lead!

363. We're gonna solve this case.

364. We're gonna solve this case.

365. I have to use the bathroom.

366. I gotta use the bathroom.

367. I actually don't. I just got in the rhythm of it.

368. There's Zerb Gudanya.

369. Pretty fancy car for an elevator inspector.

370. The Club International of Brighton Beach International Club?

371. "International" and "club" are both in the name twice.

372. Terry, this place sleazy.

373. Two priors, wealth beyond his means,

374. and he had access to the apartments through the elevator shaft.

375. He has to be our guy. Let's go.

376. Okay.

377. I'll say that I'm a businessman from Moscow named Ilya.

378. "I make millions from selling snow boots."

379. That was more just to show off the accent.

380. I'm not wedded to the snow boots thing.

381. Hey, fellas.

382. You didn't really think that you could

383. run an operation in the Six-Five

384. without us finding out, did you?

385. There was no yarf.

386. This guy's good.

387. Jake, this is Holderton from my old precinct.

388. So who are you guys looking for in there?

389. A tabby? Siamese?

390. First of all, I never said the cat was a burglar.

391. I said he might be an accomplice.

392. You know what? I hope the guy in there is a cat.

393. That'll show you.

394. Yeah, if he was a cat, he'd be much easier to apprehend

395. and probably much less dangerous.

396. That's what we think. Let's go.

397. Okay, I give up. I need your help.

398. I'm ready to try it your way.

399. Shh, you came at the perfect time.

400. He's eating, and when an animal eats,

401. that's when they're at their most vulnerable.

402. You need to get in there, show him who the alpha is.

403. I need a wolf name. Yes.

404. Virginia Woolf. Huh?

405. Well, I'm not gonna be her lame husband, Leonard.

406. Okay, it's time, Virginia.

407. Hey, little man, let's talk about

408. how much longer you're gonna stay at my place.

409. Are you threatening me, Chuck?

410. No, I'm not, sir.

411. I just want to tell you how welcome you are to stay with me

412. forever and ever and ever, milord.

413. Ha! Okay.

414. Good, thanks.

415. Next time don't be so weird about it.

416. As you wish. Good day, sir.

417. That's still weird.

418. All right, sorry. You don't suck.

419. I'm sorry too.

420. We both said hurtful things.

421. You didn't. I was fine.

422. Well, now you're just lying to yourself.

423. But Holt was right.

424. We should have taken this more seriously.

425. Done.

426. Fastest time today by a full two minutes.

427. Whoo, mama!

428. Is everything okay over here?

429. Yes, couldn't be better,

430. because I destroyed you both.

431. What the hell?

432. I thought you said this wasn't about winning.

433. I did say that, so you would go slower and I would win,

434. which is what happened.

435. You're just as competitive as we are.

436. Absurd. I'm more competitive.

437. Now who's "da bomb"?

438. So what did they make you a sergeant for?

439. Did you arrest a pinecone?

440. He passed a written test, just like every other sergeant did.

441. You knew that.

442. Oh, no, I thought he might have gotten some kind of special promotion

443. for busting a pinecone.

444. Why do you keep bringing up pinecones?

445. That's never been a part of this.

446. You know what? You're gonna eat your words,

447. because Sarge is about to solve this case.

448. What, the old case or the pinecone one?

449. You need to stop.

450. Look, our man, Zerb, is sitting right over there,

451. and yeah, he's connected to all of the robberies.

452. And he's shady as hell. Look.

453. Waiter just gave him a covert signal.

454. Now he's getting up.

455. Yeah, and now he's following said waiter to a secondary,

456. most likely even shadier spot.

457. Something's going on in there. Huh.

458. Yeah, right, "Huh"!

459. Come on, let's go bust him! Come on.

460. Down, down! Get down! NYPD!

461. Uh-oh.

462. What are you doing, man? Nothing!

463. I have high cholesterol! My wife says I cannot have red meat.

464. So they sneak in my beef stew. Please don't shoot.

465. Oh, my God.

466. It happened again.

467. Only this guy's sitting on a toilet instead of a wheelchair.

468. That's even more dumb.

469. Here, here, Terry. Move in closer so I can get you in the photo.

470. What up, Jake? Why are these dicks out of their cage?

471. I stayed up all night working on your case,

472. and Hans, John, and Nakatomi made for great company.

473. I gave them all Die Hard names.

474. I don't understand why you wasted another night

475. on a case no one's ever gonna solve.

476. Sarge, I am way too sleep-deprived

477. to deal with your negativity right now.

478. Let me show you what I did.

479. I started off by making a map of all of the burglaries

480. that have gone down in Brooklyn since 1996 to see if there was a pattern.

481. That led me to this.

482. There is so much crime in New York.

483. No one should live here.

484. Anyways, I tripped out on that for a couple hours,

485. but I got cheered up after I took a picture of the kitties

486. messing around in my little hoodie.

487. I'll show it to you later.

488. So basically, you wasted a whole night.

489. No, no, no, my friend.

490. No, no, no, 'cause then I dove back into your file

491. and found this.

492. Cool, the low point of my entire life.

493. Sarge, this photo was taken in 1996.

494. You told me your guy broke his spine two years before that, so '94.

495. Check out his sneakers.

496. '95 Jordans.

497. They came out a year after the accident.

498. Look at the soles.

499. They're all muddy. Which means...

500. That son of a bitch can walk!

501. Bingo. Let's go!

502. All right. Cat squad, assemble!

503. Leave the cats. Okay.

504. Santiago, Diaz, I wanted to talk to you about our performance

505. in yesterday's bomb-defusing course.

506. We know, sir. You won.

507. No, the three of us all failed.

508. Apparently our instructor felt we didn't take it seriously enough.

509. But Hitchcock and Scully passed.

510. What?

511. How did they defuse bombs better than we did?

512. Those were bombs?

513. Unbelievable.

514. It's a low moment for us all.

515. I think the lesson here is that

516. we should not allow our competitiveness

517. to interfere with the sanctity of our job.

518. Totally agree, sir.

519. However,

520. there is a precision driving class next weekend.

521. Fastest one around the track wins.

522. It's on.

523. I'm gonna run you both off the road into a wall.

524. I'm gonna kill you.

525. Oh, my.

526. Hey, Chuck.

527. Will you bring these to the dry cleaner for me?

528. Tell them the red stains are blood and the brown stains are...

529. Uh, let's say blood.

530. Well, sure. Don't even bother putting them in a bag.

531. I'll just carry them in my arms.

532. Hey. Beard-o.

533. It's time for you to get out of Charles's house today.

534. Hang on, ma'am.

535. You don't tell me what to do.

536. Uh, that's where you're wrong, baby girl.

537. I run this precinct.

538. Watch this. Scully!

539. Go to sleep.

540. Okay.

541. You think you can intimidate me? Yeah.

542. When I was undercover, Jimmy "The Butcher"

543. cut off my little toe with garden shears

544. and made me eat it as a loyalty test.

545. I've been through hell.

546. Big deal.

547. I worked at a sunglass kiosk at the mall for four years.

548. So not only have I been through hell,

549. I was assistant manager there. Hmm.

550. You're gonna get out of Chuckie's house.

551. And what's more,

552. you're gonna pay him rent for the night you spent there.

553. Fine. One more thing, babe.

554. You're gonna thank us both right now.

555. Thank you. You're welcome.

556. Thank you. You're welcome.

557. That was amazing. Told you.

558. He just needed to be alpha'd.

559. Is that what happened, or did I just beta you into protecting me?

560. No. No.

561. That's not what happened. This is not your victory.

562. Sure.

563. Oh, my God.

564. Hey, there. Remember me?

565. So this is weird.

566. Oh, no, you don't, circus trash.

567. I knew it!

568. You could walk the whole time!

569. I was right about the cat accomplice too, huh?

570. Now where's the cat?

571. Been 20 years, Sarge. Cat's probably dead.

572. I'm still bringing him in!

573. Well, Sarge, you did it.

574. Now how should we rub your sweet victory in the Six-Five's dumb faces?

575. We could send them a box of rats, 'cause they're rats.

576. Or we could drop water balloons on their cars.

577. You know what?

578. I'm good. I don't think we should do that.

579. Really? Any of it?

580. Yeah, after everything you did for me,

581. encouraging me,

582. going out on that ledge

583. even though you were scared to tears...

584. There was an air conditioner above us.

585. It was dripping water on my eyes. We've been over this.

586. You stayed up all night to solve the case.

587. It just reminded me that I have people in my life

588. who cared about me.

589. I don't know why I'm spending so much time

590. trying to prove things to people who don't.

591. I guess you're a big man in more ways than one.

592. Which I probably should have anticipated, but did not.

593. What'd you do, Jake?

594. Rats. I did the rats. I couldn't wait.

595. Enjoy the rats, you rat!

596. Oh, my God!

597. Oh, no, one's coming for me!