1. Gather around,
glorious turd monsters,
Copy !req
2. and feast your eyes on
what I hold in this hand.
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3. The future of movement.
A hoverboard.
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4. I don't understand
those things.
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5. Is walking really
so hard for you?
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6. Oh, Ames,
walking's a nightmare.
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7. Yeah, Amy.
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8. Now, friends,
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9. eat my space dust.
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10. Okay, a little harder to
control than I thought.
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11. Okay, there we go.
Whoo!
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12. Think I'm getting
the hang of it.
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13. No, I'm not!
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14. I'm all right.
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15. No!
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16. I'm doing it!
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17. I'm doing it!
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18. You got this?
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19. No, I do not
got this, Terry.
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20. Don't let go of me!
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21. The future of
movement is now! Whoa!
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22. There he is.
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23. All hail the birthday boy.
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24. Oh! What the hell
was that?
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25. Charles, probably shouldn't
have done that in a police station.
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26. And not celebrate
your birthday properly?
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27. I'd rather get shot.
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28. You do you, Boyle.
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29. I'm doing me.
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30. What's this case?
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31. Oh, this isn't work.
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32. It's research on your mom
since we're finally meeting.
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33. It's very thorough.
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34. Just relax.
She's gonna love you.
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35. You're both strong,
accomplished women
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36. that have seen me naked.
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37. I used to be so good
at meeting grownups.
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38. I'd just sing
Itsy Bitsy Spider flawlessly
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39. and ride that wave
till bath time.
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40. But now...
It's anybody's guess.
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41. All right, what I am
about to say
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42. will make you very horny,
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43. but you have to try
and remember that
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44. we're still at work.
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45. Do you want me to quiz you?
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46. Oh, God, yes.
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47. Wow. Okay, great.
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48. What is my mother's
favorite drink?
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49. Red wine over ice.
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50. Just like Diane Keaton,
or so she always says.
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51. Favorite topics
of conversation?
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52. Jimmy Carter was underrated.
Hmm.
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53. How beautiful
some front doors are.
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54. What's Jane Seymour up to?
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55. And how cool is it
that the ladies
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56. across the street
are lesbians.
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57. Great. Nice work.
Topics to avoid.
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58. How my dad left us
and ruined our lives,
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59. how my dad got remarried
twice and ruined our lives,
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60. how my dad moved to Canada
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61. and ruined our lives.
You know what?
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62. I'm just gonna steer clear
of your dad entirely.
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63. Smart. You're gonna
be fine, all right?
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64. She's gonna totally
love you.
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65. Are those her
dental records?
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66. Gina, are you
excited for our
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67. "Escape the Room"
team-building exercise?
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68. I told you, sir,
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69. it would be
far more effective
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70. for the squad to go to Vegas,
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71. and you give us each $5,000.
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72. No, I see no value in that.
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73. But nine coworkers
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74. forced to riddle
their way free
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75. from a locked room...
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76. I would spend my $5,000 to
buy backstage passes to Britney,
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77. and then I'd ask her
one question.
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78. You think you're
a better dancer than me?
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79. We are not going
to Las Vegas.
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80. We're going to
Long Island City
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81. and we will bond
meaningfully,
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82. and that is a direct order.
I'll see you at 8:00 tonight.
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83. Tonight?
Mmm.
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84. Um...
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85. Okay, great.
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86. Jake. Jakester.
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87. Remember when
I did not e-mail you
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88. about Captain Holt's Escape
the Room thing tonight?
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89. No, and I can't go.
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90. Amy and I are going to my
mom's house for my birthday.
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91. Adults don't care
about their birthdays.
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92. You came to work
last year on a horse.
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93. Man, forget you.
Where's Charles?
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94. On a stakeout
with Rosa and Terry.
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95. Police work? What a
waste of time.
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96. So no Jake, no Amy,
no Charles, no Rosa, no Terry.
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97. That leaves me with...
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98. Aah.
Ooh!
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99. Aah.
Aah.
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100. Oh, dear God.
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101. Okay, this is the block our
boy Tommy Tran does his drops.
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102. Before we do
anything else,
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103. are your body cams
turned on?
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104. Why are you so obsessed
with these things?
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105. It's like your stupid
babies all over again.
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106. My babies are not stupid.
Cagney can write a lowercase "L."
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107. It's just a line, right?
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108. Look, I worked hard to get us
included in that pilot program.
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109. Body cams are important,
and I need these field tests to go well.
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110. I'm gonna go
take my position.
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111. "Just a straight line."
Come on.
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112. Unique New York.
Unique New York.
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113. Unique New York.
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114. I took a Toastmasters class
to prepare for tonight.
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115. Seriously,
it's gonna be fine.
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116. We're just gonna have some dinner,
eat dessert, play charades,
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117. and then talk for half an hour
about which of her friends are sick.
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118. We're gonna play charades?
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119. You wait until T-minus
two seconds to tell me that?
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120. Okay. Movie. Book.
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121. What's the thing for song? I
don't know the thing for song.
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122. Hi, birthday boy.
Hi.
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123. Mom, is something on fire?
Yeah.
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124. Okay.
You must be Amy.
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125. Let me take you in.
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126. Okay.
Oh.
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127. I'll just take in this
gorgeous front door of yours.
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128. Mom, seriously,
the fire? It's fine.
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129. Things don't burn down
like they used to.
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130. I'm just gonna
put it out.
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131. Well, you know, it's good
enough for Diane Keaton.
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132. It's good enough for me.
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133. I love her. I mean,
she's no Jane Seymour.
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134. Where is Jane Seymour
now, anyway?
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135. She makes jewelry,
and it's beautiful.
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136. I just bought two brooches for
the lesbians across the street.
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137. Mom, I keep telling you,
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138. if you don't rein it in a little bit,
you're gonna scare them off.
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139. Well, that's what you said about Carla,
and I ignored it,
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140. and now I have
a friend with one arm.
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141. I stand corrected.
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142. Oh. Must be your
birthday surprise.
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143. You got me
the '86 Mets?
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144. Be warned, a lot of them
turned out to be drug addicts,
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145. so this could be a bummer.
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146. You ready?
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147. Hey, buddy.
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148. Happy birthday.
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149. Dad? What are you
doing here?
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150. I wanted to
surprise you.
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151. Yeah, well,
I am surprised
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152. that you know
it's my birthday.
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153. Actually, Jake...
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154. Your father and I are, uh,
seeing each other again.
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155. Oh!
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156. Wow, that's...
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157. That's so interesting.
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158. Oh.
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159. I know this
isn't the best time,
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160. but we are in your
childhood bedroom,
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161. and I do have
one question.
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162. Did you have
a nose ring in high school?
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163. Yes. Until it got infected
and I almost went blind.
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164. Don't tell anyone.
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165. Cool. It's our secret.
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166. Just gonna check
my email up high.
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167. No new messages.
Amy, can we focus?
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168. What is going on here?
Why is my dad dating my mom?
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169. What does he want?
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170. Money. But she's a public school art
teacher. That doesn't make any sense.
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171. Maybe that son of a bitch
wants his picture drawn.
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172. Jake, Karen is
a grown woman
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173. with a pretty respectable
credit score.
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174. I'm sure she knows
what she's doing.
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175. Amy, I know that
you have a binder,
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176. but you don't
know her like I do.
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177. She's too trusting
for her own good.
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178. She's fallen for more
Nigerian scams than Scully.
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179. She's fallen for
20 Nigerian scams?
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180. Twenty? That's insane.
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181. No, she's fallen for two.
Scully's fallen for 20?
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182. Yeah.
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183. Look, all right,
you know what? This is fine.
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184. It's just the same that it's
always been. I have to protect her.
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185. I'm gonna go down there, and I'm
going to express my concerns to her
Copy !req
186. in a calm, rational manner.
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187. What are you doing, Mom?
He's evil!
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188. I'm
glad we got these sweet cams.
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189. What is happening
with your voice?
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190. This is Body Cam Charles.
I gotta sound badass
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191. in case anybody watches
the footage, capisce?
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192. Oh,
I just spilled soup on the cam!
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193. Why do you have soup
on a stakeout?
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194. Oh, no. Crap!
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195. Oh, it's not
turning back on.
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196. Do you think Sarge
is gonna be mad
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197. that I spilled pho
on the cam?
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198. He definitely will if you say
"pho" like that when you tell him.
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199. I'm not gonna
mispronounce it.
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200. Not while you're rolling.
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201. Go get yourself cleaned up.
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202. See anything,
Sarge? Not yet.
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203. Don't know why I didn't go
undercover as someone wearing a scarf.
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204. Terry hates windchill.
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205. Wait, here's our guy.
Got him.
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206. Crap. I think he made me.
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207. He's headed
toward the restaurant!
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208. You follow.
I'll cover the back alley!
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209. Someone's in here!
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210. Rosa?
Charles.
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211. You're completely naked.
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212. You have the right
to remain silent.
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213. You have the right
to an attorney.
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214. Where is everyone, Gina?
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215. Perhaps that's tonight's
first puzzle.
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216. I forgot to send
the invitations.
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217. But I was able to rally the best
and brightest of those available.
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218. Oh, dear God.
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219. Sorry we're late.
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220. Turns out the front door
was a push, not a pull.
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221. Well, maybe we
should just reschedule.
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222. You have
three hours to find the four keys
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223. that will prevent
the apocalypse
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224. and release you
from this room.
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225. Your time starts now.
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226. Well, this is
a sobering reality.
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227. Okay, I got your
favorite cake.
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228. Blue.
I'm not hungry.
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229. It's a figure of speech.
Obviously I'll have some.
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230. You know,
I don't think our guest Amy
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231. really wants to
talk about this, Jake.
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232. Can we just move on?
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233. Yes. Maybe we could talk
about someone we all admire,
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234. President Jimmy Carter.
When I think of the great...
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235. So, how serious
is it, hmm?
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236. Have you guys kissed?
Has he stayed the night?
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237. Has he brought you a
chocolate orange from the airport?
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238. 'Cause that's his big move.
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239. Jake, your mother
and I have been
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240. seeing each other
for three months.
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241. Oh, you know what? I
ought to throw up in your face.
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242. I know that you're angry,
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243. but when I was here
last year,
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244. you really showed me
what a selfish jerk I was.
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245. You're the reason that
all of this is happening.
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246. Yeah, but I didn't
want this.
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247. I just wanted you to text me a
dumb dad joke every six months.
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248. I can do that.
Just give me your number.
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249. You didn't save
my number?
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250. Now, Jake, look.
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251. I know every mistake
your father has made,
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252. and he says
they're all in the past.
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253. Now just blow out
your candles.
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254. Okay, great.
Great idea, Mom.
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255. I'll blow out
my birthday candles.
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256. I wished that
you would leave.
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257. Damn it, I shouldn't have said
that aloud. Now it won't come true.
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258. Okay, we have maps,
a pantry, beds, a desk.
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259. Where should we begin?
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260. Do you have any
experience with puzzles?
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261. Yes. I've never solved one.
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262. This says we have
three questions.
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263. No.
Uh-oh.
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264. How do we get out of here?
Can't tell you.
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265. Really?
Yes.
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266. That's enough!
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267. Sorry about that. Uh,
can we please have our questions back?
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268. No. And that's three.
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269. You're done.
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270. Oh, Captain,
how could you?
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271. Hey.
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272. You didn't come back down.
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273. I had to talk to your parents for,
like, an hour,
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274. and I ran out of
stuff from the binder,
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275. and then I did
something really weird.
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276. The itsy bitsy
spider went up the water spout
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277. Down came...
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278. So, do you know where
the nearest train station is?
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279. I know it sucks that I did that,
but think about how I feel.
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280. My stupid parents
are borking each other.
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281. And my mom thinks she knows
all the worst things that my dad did,
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282. but she has no idea.
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283. She doesn't even know
that he cheated on her
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284. with her best friend,
Sheila Bodden.
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285. Oh, my God.
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286. Yeah, I saw them.
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287. They were in our car
in the garage having sex.
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288. It's the whole reason I can't
have sex in cars in garages.
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289. That's a very specific
sexual hang-up.
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290. I mean, has it really
held you back?
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291. Well, are we having sex in
a car in a garage right now?
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292. No. So, yeah,
big time it's held me back.
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293. I never told her about it
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294. 'cause I didn't want to
crush her heart, but...
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295. Now I have to use it.
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296. I'm gonna tell my dad,
if he doesn't do the decent thing
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297. and leave my mom again...
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298. I'm dropping
the Sheila bomb.
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299. Whoa.
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300. I know this is
a really big deal,
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301. but I have to ask.
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302. Did you wear this
hat in high school?
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303. Amy!
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304. There's only one way
I'm gonna get my dad alone.
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305. You have to tell my mom that you
need to speak with her in private.
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306. About what?
I barely know her.
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307. Uh...
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308. Tell her you're plugged up
and you need a laxative.
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309. What? No! What?
I'm not gonna say that.
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310. Okay, here's the plan. I'll
drop the bomb during charades.
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311. I'll just tell him I know
about Sheila... With my body.
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312. Um...
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313. Fast. Uh,
Fast and Furious?
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314. Magic Mike?
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315. I don't know.
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316. Uh, Crying Game?
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317. I don't know.
Time.
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318. Oh!
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319. I didn't...
No, no, no.
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320. It's fine...
Now I'm...
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321. Uh, right,
why would you be?
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322. Yeah, it's not like
I'm always, uh...
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323. Naked.
Yeah.
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324. Look, man,
no one's ever gonna see that footage.
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325. The case
was cut and dried.
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326. It's not like I'm dying to
tell anyone I saw your...
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327. Bennie and the Jets.
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328. Sure. Whatever.
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329. Hey, I've been
looking for you guys.
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330. I just talked to
our perp's attorney.
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331. He's claiming the drugs you
seized in the bathroom weren't his.
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332. What? But we saw him
throw them in the garbage.
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333. Yeah. Normally,
it'd be your word against his.
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334. But lucky for us,
you were wearing body cams!
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335. Yeah, but the thing
about cameras
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336. is that they don't really
tell the full objective truth.
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337. Images can be distorted.
People often seem naked.
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338. Boyle, what are you
talking about?
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339. Boyle is fully nude
in the footage.
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340. Why?
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341. The whole thing?
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342. No, no, no.
Not the whole thing.
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343. Okay.
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344. It doesn't matter how much
humping I do. He's still not getting it.
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345. Okay.
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346. Well,
then this is happening.
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347. Hey, Karen, can I talk to you
for a second in private?
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348. I'm a little plugged up.
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349. Oh, well, say no more. I have an
entire cabinet devoted just to that.
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350. Wow. TMI, you guys.
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351. Thank you.
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352. Oh, man, this is
so much fun.
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353. Thanks for giving me
a second chance, buddy.
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354. Second chance?
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355. Are you seriously not getting
what I'm charades-ing down at you?
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356. That was you
and Sheila Bodden
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357. humping it up
in the back of our car.
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358. What? I...
Yeah, that's right.
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359. I saw you. I saw
your weird dad butt,
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360. and I saw her
aquamarine leotard
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361. bunched up around
her ankles.
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362. It scarred me for life.
I'm sorry.
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363. I didn't know
you saw that.
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364. Yeah, well, I did,
and I never told Mom about it,
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365. but I swear to you, I will,
unless you leave right now.
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366. Should be easy for you since
it's your favorite thing to do
Copy !req
367. aside from humping
it up with ladies.
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368. You think I'm way more
sexually active than I am.
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369. I mean, I've only had sex with,
like, 400 women.
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370. What? 400? Oh, my God.
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371. Is that a lot? I mean,
all my friends are pilots.
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372. I'm on the low end
of average.
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373. Ugh. Listen. I don't
want to hurt your mother.
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374. Please don't tell her
about Sheila.
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375. Fine,
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376. I won't, provided
you leave right now.
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377. Your move, white devil.
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378. So, if I'm correct,
this should contain...
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379. Key number one!
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380. Yay. Open the door.
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381. We need to find four keys.
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382. And it took half our time
just to find this one
Copy !req
383. because I had to
do it completely alone.
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384. You're all useless.
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385. Sorry.
I've been a little busy
Copy !req
386. trying to solve the puzzle of
how does one man chew so loud
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387. with just one mouth.
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388. Sorry.
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389. Could you stop kicking that
thing for one minute, Hitchcock?
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390. The TV's being a dick.
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391. You got to turn it,
like, four times
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392. just to change
the damn channel.
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393. Four times?
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394. Try turning it to...
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395. 22, 18, 81, 17.
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396. The coordinates
for the Bay of Pigs.
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397. And the military...
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398. Nice job.
You broke the TV.
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399. No, I found
another key, you dolt.
Copy !req
400. So one was in a knight,
Copy !req
401. the basketball teams were
the Mustangs and Stallions.
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402. We only need two more keys.
This just might work out after all.
Copy !req
403. You're damn right it will,
'cause we're a ragtag, scrappity,
Copy !req
404. fart-dumb, moron parade,
smart-ass team!
Copy !req
405. Okay, we're all good.
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406. Raw garlic.
Cures everything.
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407. It sure does,
and it's so delicious.
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408. Uh...
Copy !req
409. Where's your father?
Copy !req
410. Oh, Roger, you mean?
He left very suddenly.
Copy !req
411. Said something
about being the worst.
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412. What did you
say to him, Jake?
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413. What? Why do you assume
that I said something?
Copy !req
414. He's a leaving jerk, so he left
like a jerk. This is what he does.
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415. He's not a monster.
Yeah, well,
Copy !req
416. you wouldn't say that if you
knew everything that he's done.
Copy !req
417. What did he do, Jake?
Copy !req
418. Nothing. You know, just, like,
super-awful life-changing things.
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419. No follow-up questions.
Copy !req
420. Is it worse than the time he
cheated on me with Sheila Bodden?
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421. Ah.
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422. You knew about that?
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423. Yeah. I knew about that.
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424. The itsy bitsy spider
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425. Went up the water spout
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426. I can't believe
you knew about Sheila.
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427. I also knew about Wendy.
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428. And Bonnie.
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429. Bonnie who wears a wig?
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430. She left it in our bathroom.
That's how I found out.
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431. And also, remember your turtle,
Graham Crackers?
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432. Dad had sex
with my turtle?
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433. No, no, no,
but he stepped on it getting out of bed.
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434. But you said
Graham Crackers got married
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435. and moved in with his wife.
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436. How did I not know
any of this stuff?
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437. Well, because
you were a kid,
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438. and kids don't actually know
a lot about their parents.
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439. Jake,
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440. I've dated a lot of men
in the last 20 years.
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441. You have?
A lot.
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442. Okay, you don't have to put
so much mustard on it.
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443. And I haven't met anyone
I like. But I like your father.
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444. And I know he has been a selfish jerk,
but he really has changed.
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445. Last month when
I had bronchitis,
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446. he flew in on his day off
just to bring me soup.
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447. It was this
weird Canadian soup.
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448. I think it was
just all cheese.
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449. But it was really nice.
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450. Man, I feel stupid.
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451. I was just trying
to protect you,
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452. but I clearly made
everything worse.
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453. You have been protecting me
since you were a kid.
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454. Sometimes I think
you got so good at it,
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455. you decided to become a cop
and protect everyone.
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456. Oh, that's a cool thought,
but I became a cop because of Die Hard.
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457. I love you.
I love you, too, Mom.
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458. Come here.
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459. You know,
I'm probably remembering
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460. a lot more nakedness
than there actually was.
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461. No, you're not.
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462. Also, no one's gonna
see it on that little TV.
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463. Great news.
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464. We were able to snag the
new flat screen. 4K, baby!
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465. Your Honor, Mr. Tran claims
that he had no narcotics on him.
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466. Fortunately, our detectives
were equipped with body cams.
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467. Someone's in here!
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468. I think we all clearly saw where
Mr. Tran threw the drugs in the trash
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469. right before
he was apprehended.
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470. At least it's over now.
Really?
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471. How do we know those were
drugs? Please back that tape up.
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472. No! Objection.
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473. On what grounds?
That's my penis?
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474. Overruled.
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475. Hey, man, look at that
and tell me what you see.
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476. A naked fool.
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477. No. Between the thighs
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478. and under the testicles,
there's a bag of cocaine.
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479. A bag of cocaine that's
gonna get us a conviction
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480. and prove the value
of body cams.
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481. You know what I see?
A naked hero.
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482. You're right, Sarge.
Thank you.
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483. Now let's zoom in.
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484. Whoop! Over-zoomed.
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485. Well, well,
well. Look who's trying to skip town.
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486. You told me to.
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487. Right.
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488. Look, I talked to Mom,
and I just want her to be happy.
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489. So can we go back
to my birthday party now?
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490. I'd love that, son.
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491. This is nice.
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492. If you screw
this up and hurt her in any way,
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493. I will throw you in jail
for the rest of your life,
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494. and I can do that now, Dad,
so do not test me.
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495. Okay.
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496. I still liked the hug,
even though you used it to threaten me.
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497. Yeah, well...
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498. I kind of liked
threatening you, so...
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499. Come on.
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500. Okay, so we found key number three,
thanks to Scully.
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501. I was gonna eat
those peaches anyway.
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502. That leaves just
one more key.
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503. Team, what in this room
is speaking to you right now?
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504. Um, I'm intrigued
by the phone.
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505. It looks like it would be fun
to call a friend on it
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506. and talk about a third friend
behind their back.
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507. Interesting.
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508. The dial tone's
not steady.
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509. I think it's Morse Code.
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510. I know Morse Code!
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511. My dad was a prisoner
of war in Korea,
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512. and I could only talk to him...
Shut up.
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513. Who cares?
Just decode the message.
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514. It's a phone number.
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515. Oh!
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516. Booyakasha.
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517. Ready?
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518. One,
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519. two,
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520. three,
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521. four.
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522. Congratulations.
We did it.
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523. And we did it together
because we're a team.
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524. Should we do it
again next week, sir?
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525. No. I would hate that.
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526. Hey, honey.
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527. Thanks for bringing
Roger back.
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528. You're very welcome.
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529. Hey, by the way,
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530. Amy was really nervous
to meet you,
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531. so don't judge her
too harshly
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532. for all the weird singing.
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533. Oh, no. I'm dating my
son-of-a-bitch ex-husband.
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534. Who am I to judge?
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535. I think she's really great.
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536. I think you're
really great, too!
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537. She's very good
at lip reading.
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538. I wouldn't say
I'm very good.
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539. I mean, deaf people,
they're the real talents.
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540. Just can't stop.
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541. I'll let you guys talk.
I'll just close my eyes.
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