Brooklyn Nine-Nine 2x9

1. So, that's 20 cargo ships in the last three months.

2. Whoever's behind this smuggling ring knows

3. their way around the docks.

4. So, we're going undercover as longshoremen.

5. I will be Vaughn Tom Tucker, a gruff, spitting, punch you in the gut sailorman

6. who's taking a little break on dry land.

7. But just until my girlfriend, Cangela, gets out of lady-jail.

8. Did you just spit in my trash can?

9. No, Vaughn did.

10. There's some tobacco in there, too.

11. Vaughn chews it, but it makes Jake super dizzy.

12. And I'm Twink Tucker.

13. You cannot choose your own name anymore.

14. I got a job at the docks to support my drug habit.

15. But I kept it because I love the seagulls.

16. What are you, Irish now? No. Mmm-hmm.

17. Well, we better get going, Captain. We don't want to be

18. late for our shift down at the docks.

19. Good news. The leader of the cargo smuggling ring,

20. turned himself in at the Eight-Three.

21. The mafia was closing in on him.

22. Oh.

23. Oh.

24. That's great. Yeah. That's good news.

25. Case closed. I guess we'll just return these outfits.

26. Great. Take this back.

27. You have 10 minutes.

28. Coffee, extra black, extra no sugar, and real warm.

29. It gets cold on them docks.

30. And one Earl Gray tea for me,

31. Twink Tucker. No, you ruined it.

32. Morning, detectives.

33. Let's go over the prisoner transfer upstate.

34. The perp's name is Jesse Hermick.

35. We arrested him for nine counts of armed robbery,

36. but he skipped bail.

37. He was just picked up in. Neustadter, New York,

38. trying to pay for a hoagie with a gun.

39. The sheriff is making us pick him up tomorrow morning at 6:30 a.m.,

40. so we're going up today and spending the night.

41. Here are the transfer forms.

42. Please don't... Get any Jake on them?

43. I'll put them in a sealed baggie.

44. Good call. All the drinks I'm bringing are blue.

45. Naturally. Call me if you need anything.

46. Yes, sir, will do.

47. Oh, hey, I hope this is cool with you, but since we're not technically on duty

48. till tomorrow morning, I invited Sophia to join me upstate.

49. The B and B we're staying at looks really nice.

50. It's almost like it's haunted by fancy ghosts.

51. I don't mind at all. It's actually really cute of you.

52. Teddy's never done anything that spontaneous or romantic.

53. That's not fair.

54. He did brew me a rose infused pilsner once.

55. But it tasted like hand lotion and the bubbles didn't happen.

56. Sounds bad.

57. Okay, I'll see you in the car.

58. Okay. See you in a sec.

59. Hi, can I speak with Detective Teddy Wells, please?

60. You can just tell him it's Cupid calling. Wait, no, that's insane.

61. Tell him it's Detective Peralta from the Nine-Nine.

62. Hello, Boyle.

63. After you're done here, meet me in my office.

64. I have something I need to ask you.

65. It's food related.

66. I will bring my "A" game.

67. Oh, my God, Gina. Captain Holt just asked me into his office for a food-related question.

68. Yes, I heard. And that's how I know I don't care.

69. I've wanted to build a rapport with him since he got here.

70. But until now, all we've had in common was our bank.

71. Guess who.

72. NYPD! Hands up!

73. This is great. I had no idea Captain Holt was interested in food.

74. I have zero interest in food.

75. If it were feasible, my diet would consist entirely of flavorless beige smoothies,

76. containing all the nutrients required by the human animal.

77. So, our bank got some new ATMs, huh?

78. I wouldn't know. I've switched banks.

79. Oh, no.

80. Anyway. Tomorrow's my anniversary with Kevin.

81. I'd like to cook him an impressive breakfast.

82. Could you help orient me with that process?

83. I'd be honored.

84. Preparing food for one's lover is the most intimate gift of all.

85. Aside from washing their hair.

86. Okay. I have a perp in the interrogation room. I need all the files on...

87. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

88. What's going on, Diaz? Are you sick?

89. Do you have cholera? Is it typhoid? Are you a vampire?

90. My horoscope said to wear a cowl neck today and I laughed.

91. I'm fine. Diazs don't get sick.

92. This is allergies.

93. No, that's what killed the dinosaurs. You need to go home.

94. Can't. My drug task force needs a win.

95. That perp in there has the name of a Giggle Pig supplier.

96. I leave when I get a name.

97. Well, at least let me buy you some matzoh ball soup. It's very soothing.

98. Know what? I'm going to go to the deli, anyway. Terry loves Kreplach.

99. Hey, Sophia.

100. Hey. There you are.

101. Hey, hey.

102. So, I already checked us in. And I hope you don't mind,

103. but I got us "The Room of a Thousand Dolls."

104. Oh. Sounds creepy.

105. Super creepy.

106. Oh.

107. So, I'm going to go unpack, and then I'm going to take

108. a bath, and then we have dinner, and then...

109. Doing it.

110. I was going to say dessert.

111. Oh. Synonym. Cool. Better.

112. Hey, Amy. I'll see you later.

113. Okay. See you later.

114. Oh. Hey, before I forget.

115. Try to be in the lobby in about a half an hour. I got you a little surprise.

116. No. Your surprises are always terrible.

117. What's going on? You have to tell me.

118. You're going to love this.

119. Remember how you said that Teddy would never be

120. so romantic as to turn a work trip upstate into

121. a lover's retreat to the country?

122. Oh, no.

123. Oh, yes. I called him before we left. He's on his way here now.

124. Uh, uh, you're welcome.

125. Jake. I don't want to see Teddy right now. I'm about to break up with him.

126. Oh, noooo.

127. Jake, why did you invite Teddy up here?

128. You poured blue soda all over my life.

129. I know. I'm sorry, alright? I was just trying to help.

130. Two maple-tints.

131. Look at that. Is that real syrup?

132. Right. Sorry. Disaster at hand.

133. Look, what happened with you guys? I thought you were solid.

134. Didn't you just get a joint library card?

135. Don't remind me. I'm going to be untangling that web for a month.

136. Okay.

137. There's just no spark between us anymore. We have different interests.

138. All he wants to do with his free time is make and bottle pilsners.

139. Yeah, that guy is obsessed with yeast.

140. It's all we talk about.

141. Jake, this is going to be a disaster.

142. This is fine, alright? I'll figure it out.

143. I'm just going to call Teddy and tell him to turn around and go home.

144. No. He's a really good detective.

145. He'll figure out something's wrong.

146. I had an airtight breakup plan in place.

147. I made a reservation next Thursday at a well-lit Korean restaurant in Midtown.

148. It's the least romantic place I could think of.

149. Scully's bathroom, but go on.

150. Teddy is a really good guy, and I don't want to say

151. the wrong thing and hurt him more than I have to.

152. That's why I started writing out a breakup speech.

153. But now he's on his way,

154. and I'm only halfway through the outline.

155. Alright, look. This is totally my fault.

156. So, I promise I'll do everything I can to help.

157. Tonight, I will focus solely on you and Teddy.

158. And my very naked girlfriend.

159. Wow. Sophia does not care about the cloud at all.

160. I'm going to just head up there for a sec.

161. Hey. What did you do to that perp? I heard he's claiming police brutality.

162. He's an idiot. I didn't touch him.

163. I just coughed on him a little.

164. Just let me help you.

165. I'll get your perp to talk. I can be very persuasive.

166. I just negotiated my baby girls down from a pony to a hamster.

167. Little fools.

168. I don't need your help, because I am not sick.

169. Gina, where is the cold medicine?

170. I hate to point out the obvioso, but why do you need the meds if you're not sick?

171. Hmm?

172. To fight off the cold symptoms that my healthy body is exhibiting.

173. Ah.

174. I'm going back in there once this crap dries my head up.

175. Demon.

176. Okay. If Diaz won't accept our help, we've got to go behind her back.

177. We definitely should go behind her back.

178. That's the opposite side of where the germs are coming from.

179. Knock, knock. And I...

180. Oh! Dolls!

181. Dolls! Too many dolls!

182. I know. I thought it would be funny, but it's just really scary.

183. One of them watched me bathe.

184. Yeah. We should definitely turn them around.

185. Yeah.

186. Oh, no. They have their names written on the back.

187. "I'm Meredith. Will you be my mother?"

188. Agh!

189. Oh, God. Oh, okay, look. The dolls are gross,

190. but I think once we bury them, this place could be kind of romantic.

191. Mmm. Yeah.

192. Totally.

193. Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

194. But you know, what would be even more romantic,

195. is hanging out fully clothed with

196. two other people who have fallen out of love.

197. What did you do?

198. Alright, don't be mad. I invited Teddy up to surprise Amy,

199. but it turns out she wants to break up with him.

200. And now, I promised her that I would run interference.

201. And I feel like I let you and all of our demon children down.

202. Oh, it's okay. You were just trying to do something really nice for a friend,

203. and it blew up in your face.

204. Rather spectacularly.

205. Everything I do is spectacular.

206. It's a curse.

207. Thank you for being understanding.

208. Yeah. Well, for the record, very cool girlfriend.

209. The coolest.

210. Hey, and Teddy doesn't get here for another 30 minutes.

211. Until then?

212. Let's make out? Great plan.

213. Uh!

214. Ahhh!

215. Uhhh. In the closet where they can't watch us?

216. Yep. Smart.

217. Ah, puppets!

218. Ah, so many puppets in there!

219. Now, the first step in learning how to cook is learning how to taste.

220. So, close your eyes and open your mouth.

221. This isn't Burning Man, Boyle.

222. Tell me what I'm eating.

223. Fine. It's a sharp Vermont Cabot.

224. Now, describe what you taste.

225. Cheese.

226. And.

227. Cheese.

228. Okay, that's good. But try being more descriptive.

229. I know you love peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

230. Why?

231. Their components have a long shelf life. They're cost effective

232. and they're so simple a child could make them.

233. Okay. I was looking for more of an emotional connection.

234. For example, my favorite meal is a simple roast chicken and potatoes.

235. It's the only dish my mother knew how to cook,

236. and when I eat it, I feel as though I am once again inside her womb.

237. What's your story behind a PB and J?

238. I want a sandwich. I make a sandwich. I eat the sandwich.

239. Come on, Claire! I thought you came to play!

240. Yikes. Where's Teddy?

241. He's in the shower. I said hi to him, we chatted for like a minute,

242. and I almost blew it.

243. Well, I'm sure you're overstating that.

244. He said he was really looking forward to a romantic evening,

245. and I panicked and yelled "LOL."

246. Oh. Oh.

247. I'm going to be weird, he's going to ask why, we're going to break up,

248. and it's going to be super messy.

249. Just calm down. We're going to get you through this. Okay?

250. Here's the plan. The four of us will dine together and keep things super unromantic.

251. I'm great at that. Yeah, he is.

252. Whoo!

253. Wait, should we have high-fived that? I don't know.

254. It doesn't matter Oh. Also,

255. if you feel like you're losing control,

256. just say the word "Jericho" and I'll pull out all the stops.

257. Aw, "Jericho." Safe word.

258. I love that. Right?

259. Alright. So, after dinner, pretend you're sick

260. and say you want to go straight to bed.

261. Me and you have to pick up the perp super early in the morning,

262. so you only have to act normal around Teddy from the elevator

263. to the room. Do you think you can do that?

264. Yes?

265. Yes. Say, "Yes, I can do it. I can be normal."

266. Yes. I can do it. I can be normal.

267. There you go.

268. I can totally be normal.

269. Hey, everybody.

270. There he is! Teddy in the house!

271. Who knew a prisoner transfer could be like a mini-vacation, huh?

272. Hey, man. Thanks a lot for telling me to come up here.

273. Yep. That was great of me.

274. This place is really romantic.

275. Mmm-hmm.

276. Uh, not that romantic, actually.

277. The radiator in our room sounds like a woman screaming.

278. Yeah. Oh, and there was a dead crow in our toilet.

279. You should complain about that.

280. Our place is really nice.

281. It's got a fireplace.

282. I want to snuggle up next to that thing with you.

283. No, I don't want to do that.

284. Because of the cancer risks.

285. Most people don't know this, but sitting by a fire is actually worse than sucking on

286. the tailpipe of a bus.

287. Ah, because of the germs.

288. Fumes.

289. Oh!

290. You know, when we first started dating,

291. Amy and I found this really nice B and B

292. up in the Poconos.

293. We got that sweet city employee discount.

294. Remember that, babe?

295. Teddy, think fast.

296. Ow. Drink menu.

297. I'm sorry, man. Chucked that right at you. I just thought you really wanted a drink.

298. Oh, I never need a drink menu.

299. I've got the thrills for the pils. Because I'm a pilsner man.

300. Yeah. Oh, I hadn't heard.

301. That's it. I can't stop myself.

302. Jericho, Jericho, Jericho!

303. Ow! That's pulling out all the stops?

304. What's going on?

305. I want to break it up.

306. Us. I want to break us up.

307. Hey, folks, welcome to the Maple Drip Inn.

308. Everyone excited to be here? We having a good time?

309. We are not.

310. Alright, Gina. We have to act soon.

311. That cold medicine Diaz chugged? It was the non-drowsy kind.

312. She's all over the place.

313. Hey! Hey! Hey, hey. Guess what.

314. I've got a new lead to ask my perp about. It's a drug dealer on State Street.

315. Oh! Why doesn't someone answer that phone? I'll get it, I'll get it.

316. Hello? No, there's no Michael here.

317. You have the wrong number. Goodbye.

318. I'm Michael.

319. That's a dumb name. But it's yours and you should be proud of it

320. because you are the greatest detective I have ever known.

321. No doy, Diaz. No doy.

322. Where is my file? Yeah.

323. She's so hopped up on that stuff, her brain's going to blow.

324. I'm going to interrogate the perp. You keep Diaz occupied.

325. I don't want to get near her germ face.

326. Permission to lock her in a distant room?

327. No. Just distract her.

328. Yes, that is what I will do.

329. Rosa, come here. I've got to tell you something.

330. It's a secret.

331. Okay. But I have a lot of stuff to do and I...

332. It's a secret.

333. Need to start by doing...

334. Oh, my god.

335. It's a secret. Here it is. See?

336. Let me out of here. I've got to talk to my perp. Shh.

337. You know, many people think that,

338. scrambled eggs are the easiest food to make,

339. but that is incredibly foolish.

340. They are a highly nuanced and complicated dish.

341. Okay. Now, go ahead and pour your eggs right into the pan, nice and slow.

342. Oh.

343. Okay. Now, what do I do?

344. Oh, boy. Okay, well, you hear that sizzle?

345. That means the heat is a little too high on those eggs.

346. Well, the, the higher the heat, the faster the eggs cook,

347. the sooner Kevin eats. Am I incorrect?

348. No, you make an excellent point.

349. But we don't want to feed Kevin burned garbage.

350. Cooking is about patience.

351. Are you completely insane? You never salt can to pan.

352. The hand. The hand is the middle man.

353. Okay? What you did is the culinary equivalent of unprotected sex.

354. You know what?

355. You, sir, are not ready to scramble eggs.

356. Hand over your spatula.

357. Fine.

358. I only wish, in return, I could get back all the time

359. I just wasted on this futile project.

360. I'm just going to make Kevin plain toast for breakfast.

361. Oh. That is low.

362. Hey, Boyle. I smell burning. Is Hitchcock roasting corn on the radiator again?

363. No. What you smell is the burning wreckage of my relationship with Holt.

364. So, there's no corn on the cob?

365. The main reason you want to break up with me is the pilsners?

366. I, I like other drinks. Mmm.

367. It's delicious. I want more.

368. It's not just the pilsners. There are so many reasons I want to break up.

369. That sounded bad, didn't it?

370. As a lawyer, it's my duty to tell you to shh.

371. Okay, look. There's just no spark between us.

372. That's vague.

373. Uh, you're boring.

374. No, that's too harsh. This is why I wanted to write it down.

375. Can I maybe just have two hours alone with my laptop so I can type up a draft?

376. Great idea. In the meantime, we can just chat.

377. You know what? We should go.

378. No, actually, I think you should stay.

379. So we can all talk about the real reason

380. there's a problem in my relationship

381. with Amy, which is you, Jake.

382. The, what now, huh?

383. About how you told her that you liked her before you went undercover.

384. You liked Amy?

385. Um. I did, but that was many moons ago.

386. Was it? Because I know for a fact you also told her when you got back.

387. And every time you would, she would get confused and then our relationship

388. would get out of sync.

389. And if you ask me, I think it's because Amy liked you back.

390. Did you?

391. Maybe. Yes.

392. A little. I mean. I was confused, and, I really need my laptop right now.

393. You know what? This is, uh, officially too much for me.

394. So, I'm going to go upstairs and rip the heads off some dolls.

395. Goodnight. I'm going to leave, too.

396. If you'd please leave my toothbrush and my home brewing kit at the doorstep,

397. I will pick them up tomorrow.

398. Well. I guess that's the last time I invite Teddy on a trip.

399. Right?

400. Drama.

401. I'm going to go.

402. Yeah, me, too.

403. Hey, it's me. Please open the door.

404. Come on. Let's talk. I'm sorry.

405. Can I help you?

406. Oh, no, you're not Sophia.

407. Psst. Jake. Over here, man.

408. Oh. I am so sorry, sir.

409. You were a wrong door.

410. You were a wrong door.

411. That's a very angry man.

412. Look, I know what that sounded like at dinner, but I promise you I am not into Amy.

413. It's not what I heard, Jake. It's what I saw.

414. You should have seen the look on your face when you found out Amy liked you.

415. Gah! Listen to me.

416. "Liked." I'm an adult. All this "who likes who" stuff sounds very high school.

417. I know, it's stupid. You're totally right. But the point is, I like you.

418. And you're sure you're over Amy?

419. Yes. I mean, I didn't knock on Amy's door. I knocked on yours.

420. Actually, you knocked on his door.

421. And I'm pretty sure he's listening.

422. No, I'm not! Who's Amy?

423. Yeah. Come on in.

424. Thank you. Ah! The puppets are on the bed.

425. Good morning, Boyle.

426. Oh. Good morning, Captain Holt.

427. After our disagreement yesterday, I went online

428. to read your culinary blogs and scoff.

429. To my dismay, I actually learned something.

430. About how food tells a story. So, I made Kevin this.

431. It's warm. It's a croque-monsieur.

432. Kevin and I shared one on a rainy afternoon in Paris,

433. on our first anniversary.

434. It's one of our most treasured memories.

435. I'm sure it's not up to your standards, but Kevin seemed to enjoy it.

436. So, thank you for your guidance.

437. Mmm.

438. It's gross, huh?

439. No. It's perfect. He's a natural chef.

440. Now I know how Salieri felt.

441. Everything okay with Diaz?

442. Yeah. She fell asleep five minutes after I locked her in,

443. and she hasn't moved in the past 10 hours.

444. She talks in her sleep.

445. I'm going to rip your head off. I'm going to rip your damn head off, Grandma.

446. Oh Tare Bear, what if she sleeps forever?

447. Oh, God!

448. Oh, look, it's Rosa.

449. You look great, girl. I've got to get out of here. Bye.

450. You better not run, because I will catch you.

451. After I'm done crushing that perp, you're next.

452. I already interrogated the perp for you.

453. You what?

454. I got him to name his Giggle Pig supplier. It's all good.

455. Now, go home and get better.

456. I could have done it myself.

457. No, you couldn't have. You literally have been in a coma since yesterday.

458. Now, I know you like to act like you don't need any help, but we all do.

459. Look, I ask five dudes to spot me when I'm doing my squats.

460. Terry paid me $20 to lock you up.

461. No, I did not.

462. But I took that cheddar and I made you this special

463. "Rosa's Going to Make This Cold Her Bitch" care package.

464. Now is the time when you say, "Thank you for all your help."

465. Thank you for all your help.

466. Wait, is that a smile I see?

467. Possibly. My immune system is too weak to fight off my smile muscles.

468. You okay? Want some blue?

469. Sure.

470. Wow. Last night really broke you, huh?

471. Actually, I think it was probably for the best.

472. I'm glad I got it over with.

473. Totally. Sometimes, you've got to just rip off the Band-Aid,

474. and let the scab bleed all over the place.

475. That's not the expression at all.

476. I'm a 100% it is.

477. So, how did it go with Sophia?

478. Good. We made up. We're still together.

479. I told her, you know, everything between me and you

480. is in the past, and we're just friends. So...

481. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am thrilled to know that

482. you used to like me, and I will bring it up constantly.

483. Great.

484. Hey, should we make a left up here, at "You Used to Like Me Lane"? Or...

485. Ha, ha.

486. I could always just cut across at

487. "Amy Used to Like Jake Boulevard."

488. Okay. Stop it or I'll crash the car!

489. Don't do that.