Brooklyn Nine-Nine 2x6

1. Wait for it, wait for it. 9:01.

2. Amy Santiago is officially late for the first time ever!

3. All right, let's do this, who's got theories?

4. Uh, alarm didn't go off.

5. All three alarms? All with battery backup?

6. Come on, who wants to take this seriously?

7. Ooh! She was taken in her sleep.

8. That's what I'm talking about.

9. Super dark, Boyle, but way more plausible than Sarge's idiotic alarm clock theory.

10. I bet she tucked herself into bed too tight and got stuck.

11. Maybe she fell into another dimension where she's interesting.

12. It's 9:00 a.m. Why is no one working?

13. Amy Santiago is a few minutes late and we're all trying to guess why.

14. I'd like to play.

15. I'd say she's in line at the bank.

16. This is fun.

17. It is fun, but you're all wrong.

18. She clearly slipped through a subway grate

19. and is having terrible sex with a mole man.

20. There she is. Amy, where have you been? We've been worried sick.

21. Do you care to explain yourself?

22. I'm just 70 seconds late, it's not a big deal. Don't worry about it.

23. Santiago, you will tell us, and you will tell us now.

24. There was a problem at the bank.

25. Hot damn!

26. So, you nervous about the trial tomorrow?

27. The jewelry store break-in? Diamond heist.

28. It's like you're going out of your way

29. to make it sound less cool.

30. I think the conviction's a slam dunk.

31. Good, not to overstate it, but I'm definitely gonna die alone and work is all I have.

32. I take it dating's not going well.

33. What?

34. No! It's awesome.

35. What happened with Rosa's friend, Katie?

36. Yeah, she turned out to be even more closed off than Rosa.

37. So, how long have you known Rosa?

38. None of your business. All right.

39. But it's not just her. All the dates I've been on lately have been lame.

40. Maybe it's you. What are your moves?

41. What do you talk about?

42. Uh, my moves are fine, mom.

43. I dazzle them with a badass cop story.

44. Have you ever thought about going with your non-work interests?

45. On my first date with my wife,

46. all we did was talk about our mutual love of Meat Loaf.

47. The singer, not the food.

48. Oh, so the weirder of the two choices.

49. All right, fine, I get what you're saying.

50. Your wife is awesome and I should do everything

51. in my power to be with her physically.

52. I mean, no, not that.

53. Don't talk about being a cop. Just talk about my own interests.

54. Exactly.

55. Hey, she's cute.

56. And alone. I'll try and find our Meat Loaf.

57. Go get her, little man.

58. Hello, there. Hi.

59. Captain, we need to talk about the Union Rep elections.

60. Scully is running again, unopposed.

61. He is incompetent.

62. If there's one thing to take away from the new contract,

63. it's that holiday pay is now capped... Or not capped.

64. In conclusion, the word "capped" was said.

65. Whew, nailed it! Whoa.

66. Oh. Ow.

67. The only reason Scully does the job is because

68. the annual union meeting has a party sub.

69. He's been our rep for twelve years and he still pronounces union as "onion."

70. As management, I'm not allowed to talk about union matters.

71. Scully doesn't know anything about our pensions

72. and he has no idea about the new disciplinary guidelines.

73. What do you think, Captain?

74. What I think is, I will continue to not talk about this issue.

75. Hey, you should run.

76. Going to meetings, writing stuff down... You love that nerd stuff.

77. Writing things down is nerdy? What do you do?

78. I just forget stuff like a cool person.

79. Come on, admit it, you care about this crap.

80. Maybe, but I want to be captain one day,

81. and union reps are always fighting with the brass.

82. It's career suicide, right, sir?

83. Stop trying to get me involved, Santiago.

84. No! I'm already fighting with the brass!

85. Look at what you've done.

86. Oh, man, these look spicy. We may die tonight.

87. You know, I actually heard about a guy who died while eating hot wings.

88. Really? Yeah. He was terminally ill beforehand, though. Unrelated.

89. I always thought I'd die at the hands of my own clone.

90. Well, that's why you have to brand the number two into your clone's cheek.

91. Yes. You shouldn't have a clone if you don't know that.

92. All right, you ready? Ready!

93. Here we go.

94. That's nothing. Amateur night.

95. I can't believe this had three peppers next to it on the menu.

96. Oh, my God!

97. Oh! Oh! So hot.

98. That's so spicy! Drink the ranch! Drink the ranch!

99. Here's the stuff you left at my place.

100. Your Sounds of Ibiza sleep CD, seven phone chargers

101. and an empty jar labeled "Fire Spirit."

102. No, it's not empty.

103. Well, here's your stuff,

104. so I guess it's officially over.

105. It was slightly less gross than I expected.

106. Hmm.

107. Way to be.

108. Uh, there is one last thing.

109. The luxury sex romp we had planned this weekend.

110. The hotel says the "Bubbles and Bathrobes" package is non-refundable.

111. See, that's why I didn't want to pre-pay, Charles.

112. Yeah, but that's why we got such a good deal.

113. One hour of free Wi-Fi!

114. Don't worry, you can have your half of the money back and I'll take the room.

115. Pause! Okay, if one of us is getting pampered all night, it's gonna be me.

116. I want that room, Gina.

117. You can't push me around.

118. We're not poke pals anymore!

119. Ew!

120. Amy Santiago, surprised to see you walking around.

121. Shouldn't you be on your belly? You snake!

122. Yeah, you snake!

123. What is happening?

124. You're running against me.

125. What? Rosa must've done this.

126. I'll get her to stop.

127. You know what really burns my pants?

128. I considered you my best friend.

129. What?

130. Hey. Hey, now.

131. You are looking very happy.

132. I am. Guess what happened last night?

133. Spoiler alert. Sexy times! Okay, now guess.

134. Sexy times! Yes!

135. The whole night was amazing. We totally hit it off.

136. I found our Meat Loaf. Wings.

137. The band or the show? The food!

138. We went back to her place, watched Die Hards one through With a Vengeance,

139. did some adult stuff, and spent the rest of the night debating

140. who was the better ping-pong player. She was adorably wrong.

141. How do you know if you didn't play?

142. Oh, we played. Which was difficult, since she didn't have a table or paddles.

143. We had to use an avocado pit as the ball. It was very messy.

144. Hey, guys.

145. Ah, hello, District Attorney Kurm,

146. I got lucky last night.

147. That's great. Yeah.

148. So, we have a little delay. Gary, the defense attorney, isn't gonna be here.

149. Oh, is he sore from high-fiving criminals he's gotten out of jail?

150. Did he get a murderer off, who then murdered him to celebrate?

151. Yep. Anyway.

152. Gary broke his leg, so he's being replaced.

153. Replaced? He should be put down like a horse.

154. So, who's the new sub-human piece of human garbage?

155. Sophia Perez.

156. Oh, God.

157. Jake, this is bad!

158. You slept with a defense attorney.

159. You literally slept with the enemy.

160. I know! It's like if John McClane slept with Hans Gruber or even worse,

161. Jeremy Irons from the third one!

162. We didn't talk about our jobs. How was I supposed to know?

163. Wait, are you sure you want to do this?

164. Let's go over the events of tonight. We got drunk together.

165. I invited you up to my apartment and I kissed you first.

166. No further questions.

167. Okay.

168. Uh-oh. She's waving at you.

169. Hey. All right, I'm gonna go talk to her.

170. Be strong. Okay.

171. Hey. Hey. So, this is weird, huh?

172. Yeah. You never told me you were a cop.

173. Yeah, and you never told me you were a lawyer.

174. Well, I didn't want to intimidate you.

175. Intimidate? Wow, okay, well, not to burst your bubble,

176. but I'm only intimidated by professions that have a moral compass.

177. Like police officer.

178. So, you're intimidated by your own job?

179. "Oh, look at me, I'm a lawyer. I'm so good at word-using-itude."

180. And yes, I know that that wasn't a word, right.

181. Okay, you know what, I can't even believe I have to deal with you all week.

182. Not a problem. This is clearly a conflict of interest,

183. so I'm just going to talk to the judge and have you kicked off the case.

184. No, there's no conflict of interest because I'm not interested in you.

185. God, I can't believe I slept with a cop.

186. It's like I had sex with Hans Gruber.

187. What? I'm not the Gruber. You're the Gruber!

188. Die Hard.

189. Captain, Rosa's trying to make me run for Union Rep. You have to stop her.

190. I cannot do that. As I told you, I'm not allowed to get involved.

191. It's too late, anyway. You already have a campaign slogan.

192. "Pick Amy, dummies." I wrote that.

193. Tell her how good it is, Captain.

194. Again, I cannot.

195. Look, I love campaigning and making signs.

196. Lord knows I have enough poster board at home.

197. But Captain, please tell her I shouldn't run for Union Rep.

198. I'm just going to turn around in my chair.

199. So, Amy, you're saying I should just return this button-maker?

200. You think you can tempt me with the T-150 Button Maker?

201. Sir, you've got to see this.

202. It doesn't even make mirror-backs. This is a joke.

203. Still not participating.

204. I'm enjoying a magazine.

205. Joke's on you, Amy.

206. You and Scully are giving campaign speeches in the briefing room tomorrow.

207. What? Sir, permission to arrest Diaz for being a jerk.

208. Permission to shoot Santiago for being a coward.

209. Stop it, both of you.

210. Now you've done it.

211. You've made me turn my chair.

212. I will not get involved and I will not have

213. this office transformed into a house of snipes and jabs.

214. Dismissed!

215. Full disclosure, Your Honor.

216. Last night, Miss Perez and I got inebriated and we had colitis.

217. Colitis? Coitus.

218. Yeah, that.

219. A cop and a defense attorney sleeping together, that's highly unusual.

220. At the time, I did not know she was a defense attorney.

221. I should have been able to guess, however, based on her ability to lie all over me.

222. Oh, a cop's attempt to be clever.

223. It's like watching a horse try to eat with a fork.

224. Majestic and hilarious? Take a cold shower, horn-dog. We're at work.

225. But in all seriousness, Your Honor,

226. I do think she should recuse herself from the trial.

227. Why, you think I might tell everybody in the courtroom

228. that you like to be the little spoon?

229. Everyone likes to be the little spoon.

230. It makes you feel safe. Carl, back me up on this.

231. Yes, little spoon all the way.

232. See? Look, I'm not recusing myself.

233. I talked to my client and he is fine with me staying on.

234. If the defendant is okay with it, and you two can be mature in the courtroom,

235. then I see no reason why we can't proceed.

236. Great, I can be mature.

237. Says the guy who uses a sunglasses case as a wallet.

238. Stuff can be two things!

239. Open up your refrigerator. Boom ! Air-conditioner! Life hacked.

240. Carl, back me up. I mean, it's not very green.

241. Oh, Carl.

242. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.

243. My pizza reviews caught the eye of a Mr. Matt Pittle

244. of Pittle's Vittles, my favorite food blog.

245. Wow. A local food blog. It's all happening.

246. Pittle wants to have a five-hour dinner with me tonight.

247. Attention, skeezy nobodies!

248. Tina Knowles, Beyonce's mom-ager,

249. has contacted me and wants to audition me tonight.

250. I've transcended you now.

251. Sounds like both of you have pretty great plans tonight.

252. No. You wrote the e-mail from Pittle so I'd drop my claim to the room.

253. That blog is sacred.

254. You defiled the most sacred and most high,

255. Miss Tina Knowles.

256. How dare you, Charles? How'd you get your voice so high?

257. I can take it higher.

258. I wish you wouldn't.

259. The room is mine, you scab.

260. No, it's mine, Gina.

261. I'm not backing down this time.

262. I'm backing up.

263. Beep, beep, beep.

264. You nervous? Nope.

265. I have an unimpeachable eyewitness who saw everything.

266. Plus, I've got a little something planned for our lawyer friend.

267. Every time she looks over, I'm gonna hit her with one of these.

268. It'll remind her that we kissed and that's how I get in her head.

269. I like it. You want me to flex and make all the buttons pop off my shirt?

270. Yes! You can do that?

271. The challenge is keeping the buttons on.

272. Oh, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

273. And you're sure this is the man you saw

274. leaving the store at the time of the diamond heist?

275. Nice. "Diamond heist." Catching on.

276. Uh, yeah. That's the guy.

277. Now, Mr. Wells, it says here you have a 2006 conviction for perjury, is that correct?

278. Uh... Yeah.

279. It's okay. I knew about that.

280. And is Sidney Wells actually your name or is it Brian Davidson?

281. Uh-oh, did not know about that one.

282. As in the Brian Davidson who is facing fraud charges in New Jersey?

283. Yeah. Or that.

284. Oh, God. Okay, time to bust out the big guns.

285. This is bad! Only the judge saw me.

286. No further questions, Your Honor.

287. Ugh, winking. Real mature.

288. Judge gave us a recess, but if we don't get new evidence by tomorrow, we have no chance.

289. Great pep talk, Carl.

290. Don't worry. We'll get some evidence.

291. Excuse me one second.

292. Hey, that wasn't cool.

293. No. What wasn't cool was you trying to air make-out with the judge.

294. Those kisses were meant for you!

295. Not in a romantic way, they were psych-out kisses.

296. Look, you know your client did it.

297. It doesn't matter if my client did it or not.

298. That's what I've been saying, it doesn't matter.

299. All right, Scott, beat it.

300. Scott.

301. All right, look. My job is to make you prove he did it.

302. It's the basis of our entire justice system.

303. What, you think John Adams was just some idiot?

304. No, I think John Adams was a mini-series I didn't watch

305. because it looked like a book.

306. Look, without a credible witness, your case is a mess.

307. Kinda like your ping-pong serve.

308. Oh, my God, she smelled so good.

309. That avocado pit was not regulation!

310. I wish that had sounded cooler.

311. Come on, Terry, let's go save the day.

312. Carl, you want to come? No, thank you.

313. All right.

314. All right, listen up, we need more evidence on this guy

315. and we need it quick, so no time for chit-chat.

316. What's going on? You love chit-chat.

317. Yeah, also, your posture seems off, like it's good.

318. Because I'm being serious because I don't want this perp to walk.

319. This isn't about the perp.

320. It's about this woman. Jake slept with her.

321. Oh, she's so pretty. She looks like the woman on an olive oil bottle.

322. Way to go, Jake.

323. She's a defense attorney.

324. Oh, my God! What?

325. Are you kidding? Boo!

326. Hey guys, let's take it easy on him.

327. Thank you, Terry.

328. But seriously, I think you need to get checked for rabies.

329. Hey, I have a good rabies guy, if you need one.

330. Uh-huh, all right, listen.

331. Can we focus up? Our witness is useless,

332. so we either need to recover the stolen gems or find the break-in tool.

333. What year was the perp's house built in? Some of those old brownstones had dumbwaiters.

334. A perfect hiding spot.

335. Good thinking, Amy.

336. All right, I'm gonna win this case, and then we can put

337. my horrible sexual experience behind us forever.

338. I don't know, Jake. I'm afraid I'm gonna think about it every time I look at your crotch.

339. Then stop looking at my crotch!

340. What are you doing?

341. Just pointing people to the one detective who actually wants to run for Union Rep.

342. Welcome to my nightmares, Amy-Scully Minotaur.

343. Pretty clever signing me up for the speech this afternoon.

344. But guess what? Mine is epically bad and way too long.

345. There's a section where I just pick people out of the crowd and insult them.

346. It gets really personal.

347. Did you know that Hitchcock is technically a bastard?

348. Santiago, can I talk to you in my office?

349. Mmm-hmm.

350. Blinds closed? Are we having a pow-wow?

351. As you know, I shouldn't be talking about this election with any of my detectives,

352. but I will with you.

353. Of course. Because you trust me.

354. Because you're royally screwing up.

355. Oh, no, this isn't a pow-wow, it's a haranguing.

356. You bet it is. Stop trying to tank this election.

357. You know damned well you'd make a great Union Rep.

358. But, sir, I want to be captain one day,

359. and clashing with the brass is career suicide.

360. Not for me. By my very nature, I was constantly in conflict with my superiors.

361. Listen, you're black and gay, so I think you should just take all the black, gay cases.

362. You know, the weird stuff.

363. I strongly disagree.

364. But I still managed to rise through the ranks.

365. Run for Union Rep, Amy.

366. Okay. I'll do it.

367. But never tell anyone about this pow-wow.

368. You called it a pow-wow!

369. So, Detective Peralta, you found some "new" evidence last night.

370. Correction, I found some damning new evidence last night.

371. It was hidden in an old dumbwaiter in the defendant's house.

372. All his burglary tools, including a glass-cutter he used to break into the store.

373. Yes, but isn't it possible my client could have used the glass-cutter

374. for something other than a robbery?

375. I mean, after all, stuff can do two things, right?

376. Hey, I say that! That's my saying!

377. Your Honor, she stole my saying.

378. People don't own sayings.

379. Please answer the question, Detective.

380. Fine, in the same bag as the burglary tools, we also found shards of glass.

381. And you expect us to believe that you found this "new evidence" yesterday,

382. just as your case was collapsing around you?

383. I certainly hope so, because it's the truth.

384. In fact, I believe it was the great John Adams who once said,

385. "To believe all men honest is folly, but to believe none is something worse."

386. Let the record show Miss Perez looks stunned and defeated. No further questions.

387. You're not allowed to say that.

388. Yep.

389. Hey, Captain, I have a juicy little Boyle nugget I'd like to drop on you.

390. Okay, please, drop the nugget.

391. I think that this squad could really increase its efficiency

392. if Gina spent the night re-logging all our files with keywords.

393. The lady doth have the skills.

394. Funny, she was just telling me how you should work all night.

395. Say what? Gina?

396. Yes?

397. You've both made compelling points about the amount of work that

398. needs to be done around here, so you'll both be pulling overnight shifts.

399. Before you complain, I am once again

400. turning in my chair.

401. Ooh, sweet chair turn. That's a real power move.

402. So good.

403. We, the jury, find the defendant not guilty.

404. No! Come on!

405. Oh, I'm in too much pain to care how cool and strong that made me look.

406. It was already splintering.

407. Don't take this away from me!

408. Wow, well done. Another criminal walks free, I hope you're proud of yourself.

409. Maybe stop calling my client a criminal, since he was found "not guilty"?

410. Well, I find myself not guilty of never seeing you again.

411. So, you will see me again?

412. No! Why, what did I say? You know what, you're the worst.

413. Jake, what are you doing, man?

414. Walking angrily away towards a door that I now see says, "emergency exit only"

415. on it so I'm turning around, but I'm still ticked.

416. Look, man, don't screw this up.

417. Look, I hate defense attorneys as much as any rational adult,

418. but you obviously have feelings for Sophia.

419. Yeah, anger.

420. I don't know,

421. it just seems to me like you met your match.

422. You said yourself how boring your dates have been.

423. But you have to admit, Sophia wouldn't be boring.

424. I will admit, she's not boring,

425. and we do have fun together, and I guess you could say she is passably attractive.

426. All right, fine, she's super-hot.

427. God, I can't believe I'm about to ask out a defense attorney.

428. And we all know that Amy Santiago wants to be captain one day,

429. which means she will never stand up to management.

430. I don't want to be captain. I just want my party sub.

431. Please, just give me back my sub.

432. Vote Scully.

433. I'm gonna make this quick. Scully said that I want to be captain, and I do.

434. But that won't stop me from standing up for you.

435. He also said if you voted for him, you'd get a "golden boat."

436. That's not real.

437. If I get elected, I'll go to all the union meetings, actually pay attention,

438. and most importantly, I'll bring back party sub leftovers.

439. Thank you, Scully.

440. Pick Amy, dummies.

441. Hello.

442. Hey, how'd you find me?

443. I'm a detective, remember?

444. I also went into a bunch of wrong offices first.

445. Stole hella peppermints.

446. So what's up? You here to yell at me again for doing my job?

447. No, I'm here to ask you out. Oh.

448. Yeah, there's a bar in the West Village that has a bunch of ping-pong tables.

449. So I thought we could head over there and have a drink,

450. talk, and then with any luck, things will get uncomfortably competitive.

451. That sounds fun.

452. Look, if we're going to do this, we're going to have to have a couple rules.

453. Rule number one, starting right now, no work talk.

454. Perfect, we can just skip straight to making out on your desk.

455. Yeah, that's not my desk. This is.

456. Copy that. Blame it on the janitor and make a break for it?

457. Absolutely. After you.

458. Charles, I'm sorry that neither of us have the room.

459. Yes, I, too, am disappointed by this unfortunate stalemate.

460. Why are you talking all Victorian?

461. You're lying about something, that's what that means.

462. Nonsense, my lady. Okay, fine.

463. I might not be in that hotel room right now, but my gene pool is.

464. Ew, what'd you do in there?

465. I gave the hotel room to my father and told him to check in under my name.

466. What? No! I gave my key to my mom!

467. Hey.

468. Oh! I'm sorry. I must have the wrong room.

469. Hey, wait a second.

470. Do we know each other?

471. Is your daughter Gina?

472. Yes, and you're that little man's father, Boyle!

473. Yeah.

474. We met at the Family Food Drive.

475. Oh. I'm Darlene Linetti.

476. Lynn Boyle, pleased to re-meet you.

477. So, what do you think is going on here,

478. a mix-up or something?

479. I don't know. Regina's been encouraging me

480. to have some romantic adventures.

481. Holy cow.