Brooklyn Nine-Nine 2x5

1. Whoo! Extreme!

2. Oh, you guys are probably curious about this.

3. It's no biggie. My car is in the shop so I rode in on Rosa's motorcycle.

4. I guess you could say I'm a "gearhead" now.

5. He held on to me so tight it was like a two-mile Heimlich.

6. Those things have no walls on them.

7. Captain. Why are you sitting at my desk?

8. Lieutenant Miller from Internal Affairs is here. He's taken over my office.

9. Apparently someone has been leaking classified information to a criminal syndicate.

10. The entire squad is under investigation.

11. That's crazy. No one here's a mole.

12. How can you be so sure?

13. Because I know these guys. I know everything about them.

14. Well, you're a poor police officer if you don't think that people can surprise you.

15. Not these people. Here, watch this.

16. I know what everyone's gonna do tonight.

17. It's Thursday, so Gina's gonna leave early

18. to rehearse with her new dance group, Dancy Reagan.

19. They're the first ladies of movement.

20. Amy's gonna be going over her weekly budget,

21. and Charles will be attending a pizza-for-one cooking class.

22. Tonight's menu, Pepper-alone-i.

23. And, if I run and leap at Terry,

24. he will most certainly catch me in his arms. Coming in!

25. No! I'm holding coffee!

26. Hey, I'm about to sit down with Internal Affairs.

27. Figured that I'll charm them

28. with a couple of quips about

29. my own "internal affairs."

30. Talking about my "tum-tum."

31. Please don't joke around in there.

32. I know you're used to riffing with me,

33. but Internal Affairs detectives

34. rarely have my sense of humor.

35. Wow, you are really worried

36. about this investigation.

37. Okay, fine. I promise

38. I will be stone cold serious in my interview.

39. I'll even use my serious face.

40. If you're wondering how I'm pulling this off,

41. I'm thinking about the time when I was eight

42. and Don Mattingly called me a little turd.

43. Was he right? Yes.

44. Hey there, Jake Peralta.

45. I'm sorry. Handshakes are the greatest avenues of germ transmission.

46. I generally prefer simple nods. Okay.

47. Would you, uh, pass me that hand sanitizer, please?

48. Yeah. No, no, no! Use your elbows.

49. Keep your nostrils closed. Don't breathe on it.

50. Ah!

51. Forget it, I'll just use a wipe.

52. Smart. Get off dem germs.

53. So. What information has been leaked and by who?

54. You don't need to know that.

55. All you need to know is that a felony has been committed

56. by someone on your squad and I'm gonna find out who did it.

57. Now, have you ever taken confidential information

58. about an ongoing investigation out of this precinct?

59. No. I would never do something that stupid.

60. I did something really stupid. I need your help.

61. You know how I'm kind of a sexy bad boy who rides motorcycles into work

62. and is always breaking the rules in the name of justice?

63. I don't like where this is going.

64. Well, I also maybe sometimes bring home case files to work on them after hours

65. and I might not be that great about returning them.

66. Oh God! Are you aroused because of what a bad boy I am?

67. No! No.

68. You could be suspended for that. He could think you're the mole!

69. Not so loud. Yes Amy, I do drink from the bowl.

70. Definitely pulled that off.

71. Look, I need to get those files. Can you please give me a ride?

72. Fine, I'll get my stuff, but this better not bite me in the ass.

73. "Better Not Bite Me in the Ass" is the name of your sex tape,

74. but seriously, thank you so much for your help.

75. Peralta, how'd it go with Miller?

76. Fantastic. He loved me.

77. I would give you more details but someone just came in to

78. try and find her Dalmatian coat.

79. Hello, Raymond.

80. Madeline. I had wondered why all the birds had suddenly stopped singing.

81. What brings you here?

82. I heard you were under investigation by Internal Affairs,

83. didn't want to miss that.

84. So much time with your ear to the pavement,

85. it's a pity a truck hasn't run over your head.

86. Very visual.

87. When, oh, when will you quit police work and pursue your dream of poetry?

88. I'm looking for Detective Scully.

89. You must be from IAB I'm Deputy Chief Wuntch, nice to meet you.

90. If you have a minute, I'd love a detailed report of this investigation.

91. IAB exists outside of department hierarchy. I don't answer to you.

92. Detective Scully, you're up.

93. Oh, wow, okay, um...

94. No. You know, we'll do this over the phone.

95. Oh, Raymond. An Internal Affairs investigation?

96. A Drug Task Force that hasn't found any drugs?

97. This precinct's a disaster.

98. Maybe that's why the birds stopped singing...

99. Out of respect for the death of your career.

100. Goodbye, Raymond.

101. Detective Diaz, can you give me even a shred of good news about your Drug Task Force?

102. The good news is I can be brief about it. We have nothing.

103. Sorry, I had to talk my twins into getting their hair done.

104. There are some promises involving lollipops I do not intend to keep.

105. The Task Force has made some busts,

106. but we still haven't found any high-level dealers or major drug stashes.

107. But we will soon.

108. Is that a promise? Or just another lollipop that no one's ever gonna lick?

109. Wuntch is waiting for this Task Force to fail. I need tangible results.

110. Sarge and I are going undercover at Electric Library. It's a silent disco.

111. Everyone wears headphones. It's actually very respectful to the neighbors

112. except for the lewd acts and vomiting.

113. There's usually some ecstasy at these things so hopefully, we'll find some Giggle Pig.

114. Great, I hope there's a lot of drug activity there.

115. Of course, ideally, there will be nobody taking drugs there

116. or anywhere else in the district, but if drugs must be found,

117. let it be there. Please God, let it be there.

118. Trunk!

119. All right, that's it.

120. One box of files and one box of powdered doughnuts from under my bed.

121. Oh cool, can I see those?

122. Yeah, sure. Thanks.

123. Whoa! No, no, no!

124. This is a new car.

125. I won't have you Jake it up with doughnut powder.

126. I hate to say it, but we still need to make one more stop.

127. There's still some files at my old place, AKA Gina's apartment.

128. Fine, I'll call her.

129. Wow, there's so many fancy buttons on your steering wheel.

130. It's like a spy car, that's cool. Here, let me call her.

131. Yeah.

132. What is that voice? It's my spy voice.

133. Car, initiate ghost mode.

134. That's a seat warmer.

135. Wow, that's even better than rockets. My butt gets very cold.

136. It's Gina's phone, leave me a voicemail.

137. I won't check it 'cause it's not 1993.

138. We should go there anyways.

139. Her phone's probably off because of dance rehearsal.

140. God, this IAB guy is ruining my life.

141. But I do have some good news in three, two...

142. Pocket doughnut!

143. No!

144. It's everywhere.

145. Back up.

146. Gina? Open up.

147. Well, luckily, I still have a key from when I lived here.

148. Hmm. Here we go.

149. Oh, my God!

150. Oh, God!

151. What is going on?

152. Gina and I are casual lovers.

153. ick.

154. Ew.

155. How long has this been going on?

156. We hooked up once last summer and then the nightmare started again about a month ago.

157. Ever since then, it's been orgasm-city.

158. ick.

159. Ew. Ugh, gross. Right, guys?

160. Wait a minute, you lied to me?

161. There was no pizza-for-one cooking class tonight.

162. You've been lying to me for weeks!

163. Oh, I can't tonight. I'm teaching inner city kids to make candles.

164. Ooh, sorry, I'm going to a prenatal yoga class.

165. No can do. Going to my adult tumbling class.

166. Yes, Jake, those were lies,

167. but the way you looked at me when you thought I was a gymnast

168. made me wish it were true.

169. You came into work with chalk on your hands, Boyle.

170. I don't even know you anymore.

171. I'm leaving. I just gotta get some old case files first.

172. Don't be mad, Jake, you still know me.

173. I'm still Charles. I just have four extra sex moves.

174. Five. I forgot about boy on top.

175. Ugh! ick.

176. Ew.

177. Terry. Terry.

178. I can't believe they call this a silent disco.

179. This is not a disco.

180. And I should know, I was raised on disco.

181. Little Terry loved the Hustle.

182. Excuse me, can I get a bottle of water?

183. Good move, Giggle dehydrates the hell out of you.

184. Yeah, I don't do that stuff. I don't even drink.

185. Hey, your shirt. My daughters go to The Learning Grove.

186. Did you get that from a vintage store or something?

187. No, I went there. I was in the Dolphins class.

188. And you don't do drugs or drink.

189. Have a water on the house.

190. Well, she was useless.

191. Not entirely, I learned that my babies are on the right track

192. because their preschool turns out nice kids.

193. Yeah, I can't wait to tell Holt that at the Task Force meeting.

194. Now, let's go look for some bad kids that went to sub-par preschools.

195. That was insane.

196. I mean, who else is hooking up that we don't know about?

197. Rosa and Terry? Holt and Scully? You and Hitchcock?

198. You need to forget about Charles, okay?

199. You need to get inside and put those files back.

200. Fine.

201. Wait, wait, wait. Why'd I get Hitchcock?

202. Because you're the girl version of him.

203. Thanks again for all your help. Okay, bye.

204. Wha...

205. Hey, Captain. Mind if we sit?

206. Is everything okay?

207. Nothing's okay.

208. Wuntch circling me like a shark frenzied by chum,

209. the Task Force turning into a career threatening quagmire,

210. an Internal Affairs investigation casting doubt upon my integrity.

211. And you ask, "Is everything okay?"

212. I am buffeted by the winds of my foes' enmity,

213. and cast about by the towering waves of cruel fate.

214. Yet I, a captain, am no longer able to command my vessel,

215. my precinct, from my customary helm, my office.

216. And you ask, "Is everything okay?"

217. I've worked the better part of my years on Earth overcoming every prejudice

218. and fighting for the position I hold,

219. and now I feel it being ripped from my grasp,

220. and with it, the very essence of what defines me as a man.

221. And you ask... "Is everything okay?"

222. Yeah, I hear you.

223. My dog has taken over my favorite chair.

224. It's like, how did it all slip away?

225. Gentlemen.

226. Damn it, Charles.

227. This is a crisis. Step one, termination.

228. You and I will never touch again.

229. Damn. If I'd known it was our last time, I would have moaned more.

230. Step two, containment.

231. We need to make sure that no one else finds out.

232. Yeah, Jake won't tell anyone if I ask him not to.

233. I'll handle him. You take care of Amy.

234. But how to make it look like an accident?

235. I'm not saying murder, just talk to her like a normal person.

236. Right, even better. Get her to tell me all her little secrets.

237. Then if she tries anything... We can destroy her.

238. Hello, Peralta.

239. Oh, my God! Hi.

240. What's going on here?

241. Funny story. I took these files home a while ago,

242. even though I shouldn't have, and now I'm bringing them back.

243. Isn't that funny? Are you laughing behind the mask?

244. No.

245. Kev! Jake, it's after midnight.

246. This had better be about a murder.

247. No, I wish. Look, I'm really sorry, but I have to talk to Captain Holt.

248. Raymond, your work life is here.

249. Please come in. Take off your shoes.

250. Neither of us want that.

251. What is going on, Peralta? This has been a long day.

252. Well, IAB caught me returning some classified files

253. and I am now the prime suspect in the mole investigation,

254. and Miller said I would be suspended in the morning.

255. But more importantly, what does the "J" stand for? James? John.

256. JoJo?

257. My middle name is more important to you than being suspended?

258. If it's JoJo, yes.

259. Look, I came here because we have to figure this thing out.

260. Miller is sure there's a mole in the precinct

261. and the only way to prove it's not me is to figure out who it is.

262. You said there was no mole.

263. You said you knew everything about these people.

264. Well, it turns out I don't.

265. I've learned some truly horrible things tonight.

266. You were right and I was wrong.

267. Goodness. Boyle is sleeping with Gina?

268. What? How could you possibly know that?

269. "You were right and I was wrong."

270. You must have been shaken to your core to say that to me.

271. Boyle is your most trusted friend, so he has to be involved.

272. Your use of the word "horrible" leads me to believe that the matter was sexual

273. in nature given your obvious immaturity.

274. I've had sex.

275. And, of course, you would be most upset if Boyle were to

276. have slept with someone you knew from your childhood,

277. thus the solve. Gina and Charles.

278. That was amazing.

279. Come into my study. Let's figure out who that mole is.

280. I took all the Giggle I had,

281. but there might be some left in my mouth if you want to make out.

282. That sounds amazing. I'd love to make out with you once I'm super high.

283. Where can I get some?

284. That girl over there sold it to me.

285. What happened, Ava? I thought you said you didn't drink or do drugs?

286. I don't. Do you know how much math is involved in dealing drugs?

287. You gotta keep a clear head.

288. Look, this doesn't have to be a big deal, just give us the name of your supplier.

289. How'd you get involved in dealing Giggle?

290. Wait, wait, wait, wait. We gotta back this up.

291. After preschool, did you go to private or public elementary?

292. Private. When were you potty trained?

293. That's so random. Sarge. The Giggle Pig.

294. All right, let's go through the squad one by one.

295. Rosa is very secretive. I don't know anything about her personal life.

296. Charles has expensive tastes.

297. Gina has said many times

298. that she would sell us all out for five minutes with Blake Griffin.

299. Let's see, Terry wants to send his twins to private school,

300. but on his salary, that's difficult.

301. Mmm. Plus, with twins, one of them is always evil.

302. So, it's Cagney.

303. Gina, is everything okay? You never text me.

304. Look, last message I got from you was August 3rd, 2009.

305. You wrote, "Sup, Rosa?" Followed by, "Never mind."

306. It's over between me and Charles. I'm so upset.

307. Amy, when will I ever find a relationship as perfect as the one you have with Freddy?

308. It's Teddy and it's not perfect. Believe me.

309. All his underwear are lined with mesh like a bathing suit.

310. Is it medical? How do you even ask that?

311. I don't know but keep talking.

312. What else? What else? What else?

313. Wait a minute.

314. One time, I saw Rosa eating watermelon,

315. but then, when I asked her about it,

316. she said she'd never eaten that or any other kind of melon.

317. Now that I say it out loud, it doesn't seem like much.

318. No, put it on the board. Oh!

319. Hey, check it out.

320. Dog bra. Dog bra.

321. Uh, I'm so tired I can't keep my eyes open.

322. Here, I need you to slap me.

323. I'm not gonna do that, Peralta.

324. Ow!

325. I thought perhaps the element of surprise would help.

326. It did.

327. I can't believe we can't figure out who the mole is.

328. Well, there is someone we haven't talked about yet.

329. Detective Jake Peralta.

330. What? Someone's got a case of the sleepover jokies.

331. Why would I be the mole?

332. You were just caught sneaking classified material into the precinct.

333. You spent six months undercover in the mafia and have many criminal contacts.

334. You've been known to flaunt departmental rules and regulations

335. and you are deeply in debt.

336. Well, if you hadn't tricked me into getting car insurance, I wouldn't be in debt.

337. You want to do me? I'll do you right back, tit for toot.

338. I've been on the force for 30 years and I've never been accused of impropriety.

339. Oh, is that a fact?

340. Because I heard you call Deputy Chief Wuntch by her first name,

341. and after that, you told her you hoped she got carried off by crows.

342. That is gross insubordination.

343. Madeline is irrelevant.

344. Our battles extend beyond the confines of NYPD rules.

345. You're being ridiculous. Am I?

346. If you're such a great cop, how come you didn't know there was a mole in your precinct?

347. That's right, because you did! Because you are the mole, you mole!

348. I've heard enough.

349. Please return your guest pajamas, guest toothbrush and guest slippers,

350. and get out of here.

351. It's time for you to be suspended.

352. Peralta, shouldn't you be suspended by now?

353. Yes, and I know that you're mad that I'm here,

354. but you're about to get over it because I know who the mole is.

355. Lieutenant Miller. I don't think he's with IAB at all.

356. I think he's spying for Wuntch.

357. Wuntch? You said it yourself.

358. Your battles extend beyond the confines of NYPD rules.

359. She wants information about your Task Force but she can't get access,

360. so she sent in a spy.

361. That's why Miller was skulking around the file room

362. when I was supposed to be the only skulker.

363. That's interesting. I did notice something odd when he and Wuntch first met.

364. She just nodded at him. She didn't even try to shake his hand.

365. She already knew he was a germaphobe because they'd met before.

366. Yes. Unfortunately,

367. we don't have any hard proof that they're working together.

368. Well, lucky for you, proof is my middle name.

369. And yours is Jared. Juicebox.

370. Jellyfish. Jamiroquai.

371. Lieutenant Miller.

372. What do you want, Peralta?

373. I want to play ball.

374. Clear my name and I'll give you information about Captain Holt.

375. Well, I'm interested. What kind of information?

376. It's all on this.

377. Pretty dope drive, right? It's a USB shaped like a gun.

378. Boink.

379. All right, I'll give it to my superiors and I'll be in contact.

380. Hey, I know you only wanted to hang out last night so you could

381. find out dirt on me.

382. What? Uh-uh.

383. Look,

384. you don't have to be worried.

385. I will never tell anyone about you and Charles,

386. but honestly, it's not as embarrassing as you think.

387. It was shocking, but then I got over it and it seemed normal,

388. except for seeing how hairless Charles' legs are.

389. I mean, does he shave them?

390. No, he wears really cheap pants

391. and as far as I can tell, he's been chafed smooth.

392. Yikes.

393. Imagine that wrapped around you. Okay.

394. Okay, I could get in a lot of trouble for this,

395. but the big secret about Captain Holt is...

396. That I have a flair for the dramatic.

397. Look behind you, Madeline.

398. We're actually in front of you.

399. That's my fault. I thought the layout was gonna be different.

400. Didn't know how you guys were gonna be sitting. I took a chance.

401. Miller may be in Internal Affairs, but he wasn't here on official business.

402. You sent him to spy on us.

403. That's a flagrant ethics violation, Madeline, and it could sink you.

404. Fine, you're right. But you can't prove that.

405. It's just your word against mine.

406. Ooh, actually it's your word against you.

407. Pardon me.

408. I put a recording device in this dope drive so I got your whole conversation.

409. You're going to leave my precinct and my Task Force alone

410. or else you're... Wuntchmeat.

411. You sure you want to go with that one?

412. Absolutely, it's hilarious.

413. Oh. All right.

414. Hey, I'm sorry about last night.

415. I let my personal stuff affect the job.

416. It's okay. No, it's not.

417. This morning, I did some real police work.

418. I called The Learning Grove.

419. They never had an Ava Watson so I faxed them a picture.

420. They identified her as Rebecca Lubbock.

421. I pulled her phone records and I think we have some good leads on a possible supplier.

422. Wow, nice work.

423. And hey, you should never worry about your kids.

424. You're the best dad I know.

425. Cagney and Lacey are gonna grow up great.

426. You think so? 100%.

427. You're right.

428. They're gonna be twin presidents.

429. They'll either run as one person and trick everyone,

430. or they'll run as two and serve for 16 consecutive years.

431. It's a damn dynasty.

432. Excuse me. I have an announcement to make.

433. Can I have everyone's attention, please?

434. Charles Boyle and I had sex.

435. What the hell? Gina, what are you doing?

436. Amy was right. People will be shocked and then they'll get over it

437. and we can move on.

438. At least this way, I get to control how it gets out.

439. I'm about to Olivia Pope this sitch.

440. First off, I would like to remind you all about several notable men from my past.

441. The rock climbing backpacker, the underwear model,

442. the guy who looked like Tywin Lannister.

443. I bring these men to mind so you can appreciate this dalliance for what it was,

444. an outlier.

445. I will now take questions.

446. How was the sex? Gross.

447. The sex was gross or I'm gross?

448. You're gross. The sex was adequate.

449. How many times did you do it?

450. Sixteen and a third. Don't ask. Can't explain.

451. I have a question. Do you have any regrets?

452. No, it was pretty fun.

453. Thank you so much for coming out today.

454. Hey, I should have said this last night but,

455. your first casual relationship! Nice work.

456. I know. I didn't even propose to her once.

457. Jake, I'm so sorry I lied to you.

458. I mean, I wanted to tell you so badly,

459. but I promised Gina I wouldn't tell anyone.

460. You kept a promise to a friend.

461. That sounds like the Charles I know.

462. Just like I know everyone here.

463. Yes, you do.

464. Although there is something you didn't know about me.

465. My middle name

466. is Jacob.

467. Wha...