Brooklyn Nine-Nine 2x22

1. Hey, Gina. Do you got that file I needed Captain Holt to sign?

2. Mmm-hmm.

3. Hmm.

4. Gina hasn't taken her eyes off her phone in two hours.

5. First person to make her look up wins the pot.

6. I'm in.

7. A bet which improves someone's manners? Double score.

8. Sorry, guys. I got this in the bag.

9. I used to have to distract her from her phone all the time

10. when we were "smooshing" booties.

11. Yeah.

12. Hey, girl. Oh!

13. Catch you later.

14. Mid-morning dance party.

15. She's dancing even better than normal.

16. Oh, my God, did you hear that George W. Bush died?

17. Who "dat"?

18. Whoa!

19. Gina may never look at another real human being again.

20. She's unbeatable.

21. Oh, I don't know about that.

22. Terrence Jeffords, are you kidding me?

23. Changed my relationship status to "It's complicated".

24. Pony up, y'all!

25. Whoo!

26. It's my wife.

27. Hey, baby!

28. No. No, no, no. It was a mistake. My thumb slipped, and...

29. I have to go home.

30. Ladies and gentlemen,

31. today is the greatest day of my life.

32. Guess who just got murdered.

33. That's right.

34. It's Carl Mather.

35. What, I'm the only one gasping?

36. Guys? Carl Mather?

37. Did 25 years at Attica...

38. Sorry, sorry. Just...

39. Just point at me when you want me to gasp.

40. Will do.

41. Mather is part of the Fulton Street Four.

42. Oh! They stole $21 million

43. from an armored car depot.

44. Feds caught them but they never found the money.

45. Until now.

46. You found $21 million?

47. Oh, God, no. Not yet.

48. I can see how that would be confusing, though. I'm sorry.

49. But I'm going to.

50. Over the past six months,

51. all four of these guys have been released

52. and now one of them shows up dead.

53. Someone's after that money

54. and they're willing to kill for it.

55. You're getting ahead of yourself.

56. You don't know that Mather's death

57. is connected to the money yet.

58. Don't turn this into something bigger than it is.

59. Not with Madeline Wuntch

60. watching us at all times.

61. Ew. When did they put that in?

62. Right after Wuntch got promoted.

63. She had it installed at that height so she'd, I quote,

64. "Always be looking down at me," un-quote.

65. Treat this like a regular case.

66. Sir, with all due respect, this is an epic case.

67. It's the reason I became a cop.

68. Hunting down a murderer.

69. Recovering millions in stolen money,

70. rappelling out of a chopper

71. with a knife between my teeth.

72. Why would you jump out of a helicopter

73. with a knife in your mouth?

74. It's called a chopper,

75. and the knife is in my mouth because

76. both of my hands are holding giant machine guns.

77. And that's how it's going down.

78. Okay, reminder.

79. Tomorrow, we are hosting a field trip

80. for the Brooklyn Park Magnet School.

81. Sorry, Sarge, I can't be around magnets. Pacemaker.

82. I'm actually not going to correct you on that.

83. Guys, I really need this to go well.

84. My girls are on the wait list for their preschool

85. and it's twice as tough to get in with twins.

86. Why don't you just get one of them in

87. and then let them take turns going to school every other day?

88. Diaz, that's crazy.

89. I asked my wife and she said no.

90. This field trip has to go well.

91. This is my chance to impress the principal.

92. Sarge, you're in luck.

93. I went to a magnet school, where I was voted

94. "Most likely to befriend a school administrator".

95. Oh, Amy.

96. Preteens are my people.

97. I speak their language.

98. They are going to have an amazing time.

99. Thanks, guys, that's great.

100. If you want, I can show them some of the cool stuff

101. we have in the evidence locker.

102. Pretty sure there's a bag of hands in there.

103. Whoa! No! No!

104. We've got to make this place kid-friendly.

105. No crime scene photos lying about.

106. That's not a crime scene.

107. That's a boudoir photo I'm having framed for my wife.

108. That's me underneath the mask.

109. Oh, God.

110. Next, let's get statements from the neighbors.

111. Oh, hello, Captain.

112. Quick update. Another one of the Fulton Street Four

113. was murdered here this morning.

114. Huh. I'm surprised you're not celebrating inappropriately.

115. This is a crime scene, and I'm a professional.

116. You did it before I showed up?

117. Yeah, that is exactly correct.

118. So, two of these guys murdered in the past two days?

119. It has to be tied to the missing money. Admit I was right.

120. Circumstances do suggest a connection.

121. Admit it with more gusto.

122. You were right. Yes!

123. Did you get it, Boyle? Oh, the camera was in selfie mode,

124. but I look super proud of you. Oh, okay.

125. Unfortunately, because this case has turned out to be important,

126. that she-skunk, Madeline Wuntch,

127. has her hindquarters pointed right at it.

128. She wants to see us in her office,

129. no doubt to give the case to Major Crimes.

130. No, no, no. We can't let that happen, sir. We have to do something.

131. Fine. I'll seduce her.

132. I'll just put on my bike shorts

133. and give her a glimpse of the quad cities.

134. No. No, that's not what I meant.

135. I meant we have to fight her.

136. We're not going to fight her. She's the devil,

137. and you don't dance with the devil, because you get burned.

138. Also because, in Madeline's case, she has no rhythm

139. and her hands are like little rat claws.

140. If she wants the case, it's hers.

141. For the record, you're turning this murder scene

142. into a real bummer-scape.

143. Tell me you got that zinger.

144. Oh, the camera was in selfie mode again.

145. But I was really laughing hard. Okay.

146. Okay, kids.

147. This is where my detective squad solves crimes.

148. Wow. This is my desk.

149. Uh, you can tell by the framed 200 piece puzzle

150. my three-year-olds put together on their own.

151. That's very advanced, Sergeant Jeffords.

152. Is it?

153. I wouldn't know what milestones are impressive

154. to a school admissions officer.

155. They can count to 20 in English and Mandarin.

156. Wow. Hi, Detective Santiago.

157. Magnet school alumna.

158. Well, I appreciate that you used the proper declension of alumnus.

159. Well, some say Latin is a dead language.

160. But I say it's just taking a long nap.

161. Okay, you two are obviously the alphas.

162. Let me guess.

163. You're dating the blond kid

164. and you like Filipino Bieber,

165. but you're worried he's still into Little Miss Sidebraid-Janky-Purse.

166. How did you know?

167. I know so much.

168. Hi. I'm Gina.

169. Hey.

170. Hello, Raymond.

171. How do you like my new office?

172. Twentieth floor.

173. Yes, I never thought I'd see you this high without a broom under you.

174. Enough niceties. Have a seat.

175. Thanks, but I'm actually fine standing.

176. I can stay on these bad boys all day.

177. So, two members of the Fulton Street Four have been murdered.

178. Sounds like a big case.

179. No. It's actually the opposite,

180. pretty much an N.B.T. sitch.

181. No Big Thang.

182. The word is "thing" and the thing is big.

183. We believe someone is after the missing 21 million,

184. and solving this murder could lead us to the money.

185. Sure, but that money is, like, 25 years old.

186. It's probably not even good anymore.

187. Sorry, cramped up.

188. This is a very important case, Raymond.

189. To me and to the City of New York.

190. I'm not sure the Nine-Nine has the resources

191. to deal with something of this magnitude.

192. I understand the politics.

193. This is a high profile case.

194. Do what you must.

195. What I was going to say is,

196. since you don't have the resources,

197. I'll give you anything you need.

198. The case is yours. You have my full support.

199. What? He meant that more excited, like,

200. "What?"

201. Okay, two of the Fulton Street Four are dead.

202. My hunch, one of them is killing off his co-scum

203. so he can keep the money for his scum-self.

204. We'll start with Reggie Bludsoe.

205. He listed a Brooklyn address with his parole officer.

206. We're going to nail this son of a bitch.

207. Unless he's innocent, and then we're going to save the son of a bitch.

208. Either way, this case is going to be awesome.

209. Peralta. I'm putting myself on this investigation with you.

210. What? Why? Wuntch is up to something.

211. There's only one reason why she would let us keep this case.

212. She took one look at me and said,

213. "That's the guy I want flying my chopper."

214. You know how to fly a chopper?

215. How hard can it be?

216. It's just a big fan that goes in the sky. Oh, yeah.

217. She let us keep this case because she wants us to fail.

218. I'm coming along so that you don't waste time and resources

219. turning this investigation into another Ron McClane movie.

220. You know it's John McClane.

221. I've made my decision. End of discussion.

222. All right, fine, but you're going to have to take your own car.

223. I signed out that drug dealer's Lamborghini from the impound.

224. It only has two seats.

225. I saw that you had made that request.

226. I changed it to a sensible sedan.

227. Okay, but the sunroof stays open.

228. There is no sunroof.

229. Why did you even become a cop?

230. Oh, great job, kids.

231. Don't solve too many crimes and put me out of business.

232. Terry's got to pay the rent.

233. Dr. Susman wants a private chat with me.

234. Thanks for warming her up, Santiago.

235. They didn't give eighth grade Amy

236. the key to the teachers' lounge just for nothing.

237. I stocked their fridge and cleaned up after them.

238. Great, so, can you take over with the kids for a minute?

239. They're done with this activity. Of course.

240. I am amazing with kids.

241. Okay.

242. I am terrible with kids.

243. I haven't listened to rap music in three years.

244. I don't know the lingo. You have to do this.

245. I can't. McKenzie is in the bathroom right now freaking out

246. because Kelsey S made out with Hayes

247. even though she knows Brianna is into him.

248. So, unless you want the Spring Dance to be a total drama-fest,

249. I have to be there for her. I don't...

250. Honestly, you should just show them a picture of a dead body.

251. No, Rosa.

252. Terry said to keep it kid-friendly.

253. Okay, I'll just show them

254. the stuff that I was into when I was their age.

255. I'm done. What do we do now?

256. What's next? Hello, friends.

257. Who here would like to see a presentation about crime statistics

258. as a function of demographics and time?

259. Who wants to see a picture of a dead body?

260. Me!

261. Bludsoe lives at the end of this hall.

262. Hmm. I would have preferred an abandoned lighthouse

263. or a dilapidated barn, but I can embellish in my memoirs.

264. Oh, I can't wait to read that book.

265. What are you going to call it?

266. "Go Ahead, Jake My Day."

267. No, yours is much better.

268. "Case Closed, Jake Open." Wow.

269. I know. I said yours was better.

270. Whatever. Let's just do this.

271. NYPD. Open up.

272. Hey. Check it out. Half-packed suitcase.

273. Looks like Bludsoe was planning a trip.

274. Until he got interrupted by someone.

275. Or something. Like what?

276. I don't know. I just thought it would help the intrigue. It did.

277. That's enough chit-chat already.

278. Come on. How many people have to get killed before you start having fun?

279. You do know it's our job to stop the killing, right?

280. Wait a second.

281. I think I smell a dead body.

282. No, my mistake.

283. Wait. Don't close that.

284. Look. Handprint.

285. That's a fake wall.

286. NYPD! Come out with your hands on your head!

287. Don't shoot! Don't shoot! He's trying to kill me!

288. So, I guess if I had to sum them up,

289. Cagney is the intellectual one,

290. whereas Lacey is more of your traditional prodigy.

291. Well, your daughters sound great.

292. You know, I'm going to look over their applications again.

293. Oh, no, that's not necessary. It's Jeffords with two "Fs".

294. But what really matters

295. is that your students have an amazing experience here today.

296. They are.

297. Look, Rosa, Sarge is here.

298. Oh, my God.

299. Children, get out of this room immediately. Let's go.

300. What the hell, guys?

301. They're 12 years old.

302. I would have killed to have seen a bag of hands at that age.

303. I'm so sorry. I tried to be myself and they hated it.

304. Where were you?

305. Saving the day.

306. Hayes is out of the picture,

307. the McKenzie slash Kelsey S beef is squashed,

308. and Brianna is going to the dance with Aidan,

309. who's a much better match for her, anyway, "B-T-Dubs".

310. How does any of that help me?

311. Dr. Susman... Goodbye, Sergeant Jeffords.

312. I think this, uh, experience has been more than enough for the children.

313. We're done here.

314. I was walking home from the coffee shop.

315. I have a job bussing tables there.

316. Anyway, the next thing I know, Mikey D has a gun in my back.

317. Michael D'Angelo. The other member of the Fulton Street Four.

318. Yes. Believe it or not, I familiarized myself

319. with the names of all two suspects

320. in this high profile homicide we are investigating.

321. I fought him off, but he got my key.

322. What's the key for?

323. Each of us had one

324. and you needed all four to open the safe.

325. And what's in the safe?

326. The 21 million.

327. Bingpot!

328. Nope, I was going to say bingo, but then

329. I was like, "Jackpot's better," but then

330. it was too late. I was halfway through the word.

331. "Bingpot" works. It's taking off.

332. It's taking off. Yeah.

333. Captain.

334. D'Angelo has a place upstate.

335. The local sheriff says there's a car in the driveway right now.

336. He must be there.

337. Okay, they're going to have to raid the place without us.

338. It will take us two hours to get up there.

339. Or we could take... We are not taking a helicopter.

340. You know I was going to say chopper.

341. Look, Peralta, I know you're having fun,

342. but a helicopter is exactly the kind of wasteful expenditure

343. that Wuntch will use to bury me if something goes wrong.

344. Okay, sir... Or

345. it's the kind of thing she'll crucify me for not getting.

346. "You could have had a chopper, Raymond. Why didn't you take advantage?

347. "Just a minute, my cauldron's boiling over."

348. Yeah, but what she actually said was,

349. "Chopper's yours, Peralta."

350. Your impression was better.

351. What did you do?

352. She may have called me, and I may have briefed her,

353. and she may have said yes to the chopper.

354. Because it's definitely on its way right now!

355. I call middle seat!

356. Whoo!

357. This is awesome!

358. Okay, just so we're clear, from this point forward,

359. my call sign will be Death Blade.

360. And I'll be Rum Tum Tugger.

361. No, Boyle. No characters from Cats.

362. Dig deep. Think of something scary.

363. Adolf Hitler. No!

364. You will be Sidewinder.

365. All right, but I'm more scared of Hitler.

366. How about you, Captain? What's your call sign?

367. I will be Captain Raymond Holt.

368. Uh-huh, I knew you wouldn't play ball.

369. And that is why your call sign is "Wet Blanket".

370. Sidewinder, this is Death Blade.

371. Do you copy, Sidewinder? Over.

372. This is Sidewinder, Death Blade.

373. I read you loud and clear. Over.

374. Do you have a 20 on Wet Blanket, Sidewinder? Over.

375. I do have a visual. Over.

376. All right, look, Captain.

377. Wuntch said that we could have anything we needed to solve this case.

378. Yes, but why?

379. To catch a murderer who stole $21 million.

380. No, it's so that when we do fail,

381. it will be that much more spectacular.

382. If we don't get D'Angelo, my career is over.

383. But if we do catch him,

384. your career will really take off.

385. Chopper pun!

386. Dr. Susman. I am so, so sorry.

387. Please don't hold this against my daughters.

388. I would never do that.

389. Preschool admissions are based on what we think of the parents.

390. Oh, no. Dr. Susman.

391. Nancy, if I may. You may not.

392. Okay.

393. Look, our methods may have been a little unorthodox,

394. and perhaps a little... Graphic and disgusting?

395. I was going to go with "Yucky",

396. but these kids had fun today.

397. And they learned a lot. Tricia, what's luminol?

398. It's used to look for blood at a crime scene.

399. Even if a criminal tried to clean it up,

400. the iron in blood makes the chemical glow.

401. And, Bobby, what's enucleation?

402. It's when someone pops your eyeball out.

403. Probably should have used a less gross example.

404. The point is this is exactly the kind of educational experience

405. I loved about my magnet school.

406. Well, there is something to be said for that.

407. Also, and more importantly,

408. I got McKenzie and Brianna to stop hating on Kelsey S,

409. and now they're best friends. You're welcome.

410. Wow. That's actually impressive. Thank you.

411. So, Dr. Susman,

412. let's just call this field trip what it was.

413. A huge success.

414. It was interesting.

415. I saw a prostitute. Not helping, kid.

416. I'm Death Blade.

417. D'Angelo's place is just beyond those trees.

418. No one's gone in or out.

419. Good thing we got here in time.

420. Flew in on a chopper.

421. Bell 412 or the A119 Koala?

422. It's classified.

423. Actually, it was the 350B2.

424. Nice! No. Don't give him the nice.

425. We haven't seen any movement in the house,

426. but there are lights on in the barn. There's a barn?

427. What is your fascination with barns?

428. It's where all the awesome stand-offs happen.

429. Rusty farm equipment, light shining through bullet holes.

430. I'll bet you at least one dove takes flight in slo-mo.

431. I will take that bet because that's impossible.

432. We've got a team on the back entrance,

433. a team watching the house, and a marksman on that hill.

434. Oh, hey, tell your men if they find the money first,

435. that I get to riffle it next to my ear and go, "It's all here."

436. Already told them, Jake. Love you, bud.

437. All right, let's lock and load!

438. Dope.

439. Moved faster than I was expecting, but still cool.

440. I don't see him.

441. Oh, he's here.

442. I can feel it.

443. He is. He's dead. What?

444. The body is right here.

445. Damn it. Bludsoe played us.

446. God.

447. Pick up, pick up, pick up.

448. Hello? Hey, it's Peralta. Is Bludsoe still in custody?

449. Yeah, we got him. He's in his...

450. Ooh.

451. So, good news first.

452. We're going to be flying back past a beautiful sunset.

453. Bad news, Bludsoe escaped from the hospital and we're all screwed.

454. But... Pretty sunset.

455. Oh, man, look at the Captain.

456. He's pacing slowly.

457. For him, that's like a full-on rage fueled freak out.

458. The only thing worse is when he stands perfectly still.

459. Oh, no, he's standing perfectly still.

460. All right, I'm going to go talk to him.

461. Mmm, no, I'm not. Yeah, I am.

462. No, I'm not going to do it.

463. Okay, I am. I'm going to go.

464. Okay. Be careful. You're so brave. Thanks.

465. Hey, Captain.

466. What you thinking about?

467. Mostly about how Madeline Wuntch will destroy me

468. because you wanted a helicopter to play action movie.

469. I needed a helicopter

470. because I was chasing a bad guy because I'm a cop.

471. Really? It wasn't just to make this case epic?

472. This case is epic.

473. You're just too wrapped up in the politics to see it.

474. Sir, we're tracking a triple-murderer who stole $21 million

475. and all you can think about is Madeline Wuntch.

476. You're right. What's that now?

477. Before I came to the Nine-Nine,

478. I was rotting away behind a desk

479. in the public relations department.

480. All I wanted was the chance to do good police work again.

481. I just got it, and I blew it,

482. thinking about that devil-toad.

483. I'm tired of politics.

484. Let's get that punk, Bludsoe.

485. This is amazing.

486. Of course we have no idea where he is,

487. but I love where your head's at.

488. He has no family. Maybe there was a girlfriend,

489. or someone he worked with at the coffee shop.

490. The coffee shop.

491. Why would someone who knows they have $21 million coming

492. take a minimum wage job?

493. Because he needed access to that building.

494. Because that's where the money's hidden.

495. All right, we got to get there quick.

496. Maybe we should take the chopper.

497. You said "chopper".

498. Death Blade, Sidewinder,

499. it's go time!

500. Roger that, Wet Blanket.

501. No. From now on, call me...

502. "Velvet Thunder."

503. Okay.

504. Hey, Cagney and Lacey got off the wait-list.

505. Thank you, guys, for helping me.

506. Rosa, I should have listened to you.

507. Yeah. Everyone should listen to me all the time about everything.

508. It was pretty fun. The kids actually liked me.

509. I wish I could go back to middle school, knowing what I know now.

510. I'd be so cool.

511. And I'd get to retake all the tests

512. and update some book reports.

513. Oh, uh, Gina,

514. Dr. Susman says you had a real impact on those kids.

515. Apparently, you were just named

516. Spring Dance Princess somehow.

517. Mmm-hmm. What am I always telling you guys?

518. I'm royalty.

519. All right, listen up.

520. We go in strong and we go in fast.

521. Evans, you're on door breach.

522. Patterson, flash-bang.

523. Boyle, stop squatting like that.

524. Sorry, I thought it looked cool. It didn't.

525. On the count of three.

526. It's Bludsoe!

527. NYPD! Go, go, go!

528. Face down! Flat on the ground!

529. Jake! Over here. Over here.

530. "Bingpot!"

531. This rules.

532. Did you know that my dream has always been to have my picture taken

533. with a mountain of recovered cash?

534. And it's always been my dream to take that picture of you, Jake.

535. Oh, yeah.

536. Yeah.

537. Twenty-one million dollars, Raymond.

538. I have to admit, I'm impressed.

539. Sorry to disappoint you, Madeline. I know you'd hoped we'd fail.

540. Oh, no. I couldn't be happier.

541. Wait. Why would you say that?

542. And why aren't you clenching your little

543. rat hands in anger?

544. You didn't want me to fail. You wanted me to succeed.

545. That's right.

546. I was looking for an excuse

547. to promote you to a desk job,

548. and you handed it to me on a silver platter

549. with your little rat hands.

550. Oh, no.

551. Say goodbye to the Nine-Nine, Raymond.

552. I'm making you head of Public Relations.

553. Captain, get in here with me!

554. Go ahead, smile for the cameras, Raymond.

555. That's your new job now.

556. Hey. Okay, quick, let's pose back-to-back,

557. with our arms crossed and a cocky smirk.

558. Are you doing it? Are your arms crossed?

559. No, arms down. That's good.