1. Heads up. There's our perp,
looking all perpy,
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2. just perping his way down
Perp Street. Take a picture!
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3. Give me one second. This light is
really unflattering for his complexion.
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4. It doesn't have
to be perfect.
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5. Tom Olson is a bad dude. He's held
up four electronic stores at gunpoint.
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6. Man, I wish you hadn't read
that Annie Leibovitz book.
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7. Quit calling it a book,
it was a visual journey.
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8. You probably think I should shoot this
in color instead of black and white.
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9. Yes! Shoot color. Why have you
been shooting black and white?
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10. Where's he going now? Come on.
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11. Damn it. NYPD, freeze!
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12. He's trapped.
Top-of-car foot chase.
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13. My birthday wish
finally came true!
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14. Keep it up, Jake! He's yours,
he's yours, he's yours!
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15. I know! I feel like the coolest
person in New York City!
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16. Arghhh!
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17. Ooh!
Ooh, nice pimp walk, pimp.
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18. Oh, well, thank you,
pimpin' playa.
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19. Whoa. That is not a pimp walk,
that's a limp walk.
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20. You sure you should
be here today, Jake?
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21. You wiped out hard.
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22. It wasn't so much a
wipe-out as it was
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23. a controlled
power-fall, Sarge.
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24. That's his
disagreement squeak.
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25. You wiped out.
What did the doctor say?
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26. "Welcome, we haven't seen
you in 11 years."
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27. Haven't been to the doctor
in 11 years. How trill is that?
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28. Your tone's braggy, but your
words are real sad.
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29. Mmm. Did he clear
you for active duty?
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30. First of all,
the doctor was a woman.
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31. There's a such thing as women doctors,
Sarge.
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32. I lied for effect.
It was a man.
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33. And he said that I
was perfectly fine.
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34. Except for three cracked
ribs and a broken toe,
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35. which were right next
to two other broken toes.
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36. Did he clear you or not?
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37. He did not.
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38. All right, let's get
to work, guys.
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39. We got a perp
to catch.
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40. Oh, forget that. Uh-uh. No,
look.
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41. There's an APB
out for your guy.
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42. Lots of cops are
looking for him.
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43. You don't need to be here.
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44. Sarge, I know this case
better than anyone.
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45. And I am this close
to solving it.
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46. Your fingers are
really far apart.
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47. Yeah, I also have a hairline
fracture in my thumb,
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48. mankind's least important
finger. Am I right?
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49. Sarge, please. Please,
please, please, please.
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50. Just let me stay on the case,
all right?
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51. I promise I won't
go into the field
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52. or do anything dangerous.
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53. Fine. You can work
the case from right here.
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54. But you are tied to your desk.
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55. Tied to my desk?
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56. Mr. Grey will see
you now, Sarge.
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57. You wanted to see me, sir?
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58. We have a situation.
And it's bad.
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59. Check your email.
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60. No.
Yes.
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61. Kevin insists on
you and Marcus
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62. joining us for
dinner at our house.
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63. But we agreed to keep our
personal
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64. and professional
lives separate.
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65. It is weird enough I am
dating your nephew
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66. without dragging your
husband and dog into it.
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67. Do you think I want this?
Because I do not want this.
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68. Sadly, Marcus and Kevin
can be held off no longer.
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69. Okay. So, what's our play here?
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70. My stomach's a little
off. I could say I'm sick.
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71. Well, I've used the "sick"
excuse for you eight times.
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72. I think they're catching on.
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73. You could say you're sick.
No one would ever believe that.
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74. No. This is happening. But don't worry,
I have a plan to keep things from
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75. getting too personal. I'm
inviting some intimacy buffers.
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76. Dinner party at your house?
Oh, mama!
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77. I will be there. All I ask is that you
clear the furniture out of your living room
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78. so I can show Kev some of
my new dance opera.
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79. Why just some of it?
Do the whole thing.
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80. Yes, nothing would make me
happier. See you Thursday at 8:00.
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81. Copy that, Cap-I-tan.
Later, skater.
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82. Yes, this is wonderful.
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83. The dinner's not for four days
and you're already freaking out.
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84. Excuse me. Did you not just hear me say,
"Later, skater"?
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85. All right, fine. There's
a slight chance that
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86. in the past, I may have tried a
little too hard around the Captain.
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87. So this time, I'm gonna
be super chill.
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88. Good plan. Whoa. It just
says you got uninvited.
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89. What?
Oh, honey.
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90. Oh. I get it. You're joking.
See? I'm cool. I get jokes.
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91. Boyle, have you seen Jake?
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92. No, I was out getting him some healing
broth. I was torn between chicken or beef,
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93. but then it hit me. Goat.
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94. What happened?
I heard a bang.
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95. No. No bang.
Everything's totally normal.
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96. Really? It looks to me like you did something
stupid, like trying to lift a heavy box.
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97. Sarge, come on.
In my condition?
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98. Suck it, MacGyver.
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99. Pretty elegant
solution, right?
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100. No! Everything
fell everywhere.
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101. All you had to do was sit at
your desk. What is your problem?
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102. I don't have a problem. I'm
just trying to solve this case,
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103. and everyone's making a huge deal
because I have a few minor injuries
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104. to my ribs, ankle,
hand, toes, and jaw.
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105. Jaw?
Yeah, that just happened.
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106. I got hit in the face with a box. But,
look, I'm fine. I promise you.
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107. No, you're not. I'm done with this,
Peralta. Go home and get better. Now.
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108. All right, fine. But I'm taking
this box of evidence with me.
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109. If you can pick it up,
you can take it.
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110. Deal.
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111. See? I'm fine.
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112. Yo, yo, yo. Miss me, miss me,
now you gotta kiss me.
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113. Talking to you.
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114. Jake, what are you doing here?
It's only been four days.
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115. You're supposed to take a full
week off of work.
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116. Come on, Sarge, does it look
like I'm on the job?
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117. Okay, then.
What are you doing here?
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118. Taking your advice to rest and
relax to the next level.
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119. Swinging by to pick up Charles
and then we're headed
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120. to sunny, beachy,
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121. only recently devastated-by-financial-crisis
Atlantic City.
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122. That's right, suckers. Jake and I
are going on the coolest vacation ever.
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123. Official trip nickname, ACDC,
Atlantic City Dudes Club.
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124. Yeah, that's gonna change.
But check it out, Sarge.
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125. Boyle and I are staying at...
The Ravenna.
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126. Damn. This place is lux.
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127. Yeah, I've been trying to get
Jake down there forever.
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128. Had I known all it would
take was a few broken bones,
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129. I would have hit him with a baseball
bat years ago.
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130. Sarge,
it's a spa and a casino. A spa-sino.
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131. One of the room service
options is a carving station.
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132. Talkin' prime rib in bed!
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133. And what's this? I'm
using a blanket as a napkin.
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134. That's fancy. That's
fancy. Real fancy.
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135. All right. Well, that sounds good, Jake.
Sounds like you guys are gonna have fun.
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136. Oh. Oh, we will.
Because we're staying at...
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137. The Ravenna.
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138. Jake, this is
not the Ravenna.
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139. No, it is not. But it is the
world famous Seaf am Motel.
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140. I think the "o" fell off.
Pretty cool, right?
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141. The Ravenna had a four-star restaurant. This
place has a weird amount of dead seagulls,
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142. even for AC.
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143. All right, fine. It's not a
vacation. It's a stakeout.
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144. My perp has a brother who
lives in this dump,
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145. and I think he's hiding
out with him here.
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146. Seriously? I was looking forward to this
trip. I can't believe you lied to me.
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147. It wasn't a lie. It was...
an illusion!
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148. All right, it was a lie. I'm sorry. I
had to make it sound really cool
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149. so you'd drop everything
and come with me.
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150. I can't let Olson walk
and I can't catch him alone.
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151. Plus, this is gonna be super
fun. New trip nickname... ACDC,
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152. Atlantic City Detectives Club.
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153. Okay, fine. You know I can't
say no to a good trip nickname.
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154. There he is! Oh! Arm, rib,
arm, rib, shoulder?
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155. Marcus, Detective Diaz,
what a surprise.
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156. I didn't expect you for
another nine and a half minutes.
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157. See? I told you it was
rude to be early.
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158. Well, let's cancel the entire
evening and try again next year.
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159. Baby. She is hilarious. I thought
you might need some help setting up.
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160. Oh. I'll put these in
some water. Thank you.
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161. Marcus, you can help with
the boeuf bourguignon.
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162. I subbed shallots
for onions in the mirepoix.
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163. No. Are you kidding? I
have no idea what he's talking about.
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164. I'm sorry. We're screwed. I
should just break up with him.
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165. No, no, no, no.
Santiago is always on time.
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166. We only have
to make small talk for...
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167. Eight minutes
and 45 seconds.
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168. We better keep it impersonal. Acceptable
topics include what constitutes a grain,
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169. the Hubble Space Telescope, orchid
varietals, the birth of the transistor...
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170. We only have to fill
eight minutes.
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171. Sure, but think about it as 480 seconds,
and you'll see why I'm concerned.
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172. Oh, my God.
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173. Uh-oh, Amy. Train's moving real
slow. We're gonna be epically late.
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174. Keep your reaction short and to
the point. I'm running out of mem.
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175. Sorry, Gina. I hope we're late.
That's how the fashionable crowd lives.
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176. I told you. Tonight,
I'm gonna have fun.
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177. What? I'm being chill.
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178. Why are you looking
at me like that?
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179. Because something stinks. And
it's definitely the food you brought.
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180. I think it smells great. It's my
mom's famous nicoise salad.
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181. Amy, all your cooking stinks. Why would
you even get involved with tuna and egg?
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182. No one else seems to mind it.
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183. We mind. We really,
really mind. Just throw it out.
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184. I will not throw it out. But I will open
a window. Because I'm a nice person.
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185. And I'm an even nicer person.
Bye-bye, salad!
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186. No!
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187. Yo. Still no movement.
How was the snack machine?
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188. Ah. Snacks abound.
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189. Told you this place was awesome.
My theory is that Olson and his brother
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190. have been using it as a home base while
they rob places up and down the coast.
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191. Fascinating, fascinating. Do
you desire a crispened potato?
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192. Ah, don't mind if I doobie. Wait
a minute. Crispened potato?
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193. Why are you fancy-talking?
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194. How dare you, sir?
I speak the common tongue.
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195. There it is again. You only do that
when you're lying or hiding something.
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196. Hiding? Ha! Pish-posh.
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197. Housekeeping!
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198. That's not housekeeping, that's betrayal
! I can't believe you called the Sarge.
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199. Hey, Sarge. Don't "Hey,
Sarge" me, Peralta.
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200. I'm about to break the rest
of your damn body.
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201. Okay, fine.
I accept my fate.
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202. Just take a picture of my penis first
for posterity, and then do what you must.
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203. Amy says that we should start dinner without
her. And then, she writes "whatevs," colon,
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204. hyphen, closed parentheses.
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205. Great. It's much nicer just the
four of us. We can really get into it.
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206. Yeah, let's do just that. Uh... So,
Marcus, what, uh, orchids can you name?
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207. Oh, that's easy. None.
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208. Ah, well, here are the orchids that I can
name. Beclardia, Beloglottis, Benthamia,
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209. Diphylax, Dipodium,
Evotella...
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210. Raymond, you know how much I
love hearing you talk about orchids.
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211. Great. Then
there's Eriaxis...
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212. But I would love to hear
more about our guest.
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213. Rosa, tell us
about your family.
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214. I have one.
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215. You've got to give him more
deets than that.
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216. Her father's a teacher.
They're from Bensonhurst.
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217. Speaking of which, have they finished
repairing the Hubble Space Telescope?
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218. Yes, six years ago.
So, do you have siblings?
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219. I have...
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220. Two sisters.
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221. I have to leave this.
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222. Whoo. Great idea, take a
breather. That was way too personal.
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223. No one needs to know you have sisters.
New topic. The moons of Jupiter.
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224. I think I might be pregnant.
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225. Oh.
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226. Oh!
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227. Oh... No.
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228. I came down here to stop you from doing
something stupid. I called the ACPD and told
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229. them we had a possible perp at this
motel. They're sending a squad car.
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230. Wow, Boyle. The fact that you
would sell me out after
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231. I brought you to Atlantic City on a
half-expenses-paid best friends trip.
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232. I know, I'm sorry, it's just... I
was worried about you getting hurt.
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233. No, Charles, don't apologize!
We're mad at him!
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234. I had to miss family dinner
to drive my ass out here.
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235. Well, no one asked
you to do that.
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236. Actually,
I did. Remember? I betrayed you.
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237. Charles. What are you doing,
bud? I just dug you out of this.
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238. Peralta, we're going home as
soon as that squad car gets here.
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239. Until then, you sit tight.
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240. You're on time-out.
That's your time-out chair.
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241. Fine. But first, I have
to go to the bathroom.
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242. And it will be work
due to my injured tailbone
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243. and bruised bladder.
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244. Yeah. Yeah.
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245. What the hell? Please be Olson.
Please be Olson. Please be Olson.
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246. You're not Olson.
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247. Oh, no.
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248. Uh-oh.
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249. This stinks!
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250. I should be at home taking care of my real
babies, not some big, dumb, work baby.
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251. I know you're upset, Sarge, but I think the
fact that you came all the way down here has
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252. really taught Jake a lesson.
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253. Help!
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254. And I'm wrong.
He's done something dumb.
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255. Help! Help!
Cover yourself, Jake!
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256. It's your friend,
Charles Boyle, from work!
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257. Hey, guys.
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258. What the hell are you doing
out there, Peralta?
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259. Would you believe that my urine
stream was so powerful that it shot...
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260. Nope.
Okay.
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261. I thought I saw our perp. And I
know I'm not supposed to be working,
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262. but technically, I wasn't working,
because it wasn't our guy.
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263. Get out of the bathroom! We're gonna go sit
on those gross beds and talk about the fact
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264. that you have
a real problem!
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265. Okay. I get that you're mad,
and we are definitely gonna talk.
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266. But I still haven't technically gotten
to go pee, so if you wouldn't mind...
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267. I don't care. You have lost the right
to pee. You can fidget, little man.
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268. Well... It's gonna be on you
when we're all covered in my whizz.
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269. Get your ass out there.
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270. Are your bosoms tender?
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271. I'm gonna pretend that you
didn't just ask me that.
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272. Are your senses
heightened?
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273. I think I might be pregnant,
not bitten by a radioactive spider.
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274. Kevin asked me about my sister.
She just told me she's pregnant.
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275. And that made me think.
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276. I've been feeling rundown lately,
my stomach's been weird,
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277. and I just did the math in my
head and I think I'm a little bit late.
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278. Late to, uh... Oh,
right. Right. Your, um...
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279. What if I'm pregnant? Do I tell
Marcus? What do I do with a baby?
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280. How do you take care of those
things? Why are their heads so soft?
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281. Before you spiral any more,
you should take a pregnancy test.
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282. Yes, smart. Immediately.
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283. Oh, immediately,
immediately.
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284. Uh, very well. I'll figure out a way to get
you out of here without arousing suspicion.
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285. Now I'm regretting blowing
through my orchid material so quickly.
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286. Jake, you put work ahead of
everything else and it's not healthy.
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287. Remember Cagney and
Lacey's third birthday party?
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288. I hired you as Jakels
the Clown? How'd that go?
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289. And Jeremy
the Giraffe has a very long neck.
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290. That's it! The hooker
was strangled!
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291. You were thinking that
at a kid's party.
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292. Life is more than just whatever
case you're working on.
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293. If you don't figure out
how to balance things,
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294. you're gonna burn out or get hurt. Oh,
look, you did get hurt.
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295. Okay. Fine. You guys make
some great points. But counter-point,
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296. I am right all the time.
There's our perp.
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297. All right. Let's go!
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298. Jake! Observe him
from a safe distance
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299. while we wait for the
Atlantic City PD to show up.
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300. My exact instinct as well,
Sarge. Good thinking.
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301. Oh, no. Are you certain we
have to cut the party short?
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302. Uh, yes, unfortunately,
Detective Diaz has an
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303. unexpected emergency
to take care of.
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304. All right. Do you need
to go as well?
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305. No, it's not quite
Captain-worthy.
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306. But still advanced enough
that Detective Diaz's
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307. talents are best qualified
to handle the, um...
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308. Non-emergency
emergency.
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309. Yes. Precisely. See?
She's great.
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310. I should go do that. Now. Yes.
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311. Hey,
what's up? Hi. Hi. Sorry we're so late.
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312. Actually,
the party is over. What?
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313. The party is over!
Oh, I see.
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314. You heard me, you were just taken
by surprise. Very well. Um, goodnight.
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315. But...
Oh...
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316. All I wanted to do was impress
Captain Holt, and you know what?
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317. It didn't matter. It didn't
matter that we were late.
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318. It didn't matter
that I was chill.
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319. And it didn't matter that
the rats ate my salad.
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320. Oh, no. I definitely saw
them running away from it.
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321. You know what, my friend?
It's time to be chill for real.
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322. Mmm. Yes, Gaga!
Yes, that's the spirit!
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323. We should go.
Yep.
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324. Damn ACPD. They should
be here by now.
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325. He's looking at us. Pretend to
use the ice machine, Boyle.
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326. Gladly. Why is it so
fun to get hotel ice?
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327. It feels wasteful, but also like,
I bought this room, I deserve this ice.
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328. Shh. He's on the move.
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329. Okay, I'll follow
until the ACPD get here.
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330. Damn it! Stay put, Peralta!
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331. I will! Don't worry! I'm just
gonna let Sarge follow him.
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332. I'm gonna stay here. I can't do it.
I'm gonna cut him off in the alley.
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333. Ow, ow, ow.
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334. Ha! Short cut.
You just got "Jaked."
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335. Oh! Oh, Jake! Oh...
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336. Jake! You okay?
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337. No, Sarge.
I got hit by a car.
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338. Are you happy now? Broken ribs and a
million broken toes weren't enough for you?
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339. In retrospect, they were
plenty. Yes.
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340. The worst part is,
Olson got away.
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341. That's the worst part?
You could have died, man.
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342. I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor
said all my bleeding was internal.
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343. That's where the blood's
supposed to be.
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344. Look, I know you're angry because
I disrespected you as a boss.
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345. No! I'm upset my friend doesn't want my
help because he insists on being an idiot.
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346. You know what? You're a lost cause. I'm
done trying to help you. Terry's leaving.
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347. Wait.
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348. My second year on the force,
I was working a drug case.
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349. Tracking this drug dealer
for months.
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350. And then, suddenly, he disappeared
right before Memorial Day.
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351. Which I was supposed to take off
for a guys' weekend with some friends.
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352. But how? We didn't
know each other yet.
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353. Oh, other friends.
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354. While I was gone, the dude
resurfaced and got into
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355. a shootout with another drug
dealer. Two civilians got shot.
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356. Meanwhile, I was sipping
piña coladas in Philly.
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357. From that day on, I vowed to
never take time off during a case.
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358. Also, I don't
love Philly.
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359. Jake, I get it.
Philly sucks.
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360. Yeah. But why didn't
you ever tell us?
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361. I was embarrassed about the choice I
made. People got hurt because of me.
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362. Perps get away. People
get hurt. That's part of the job.
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363. But if you don't give yourself a break,
you'll be no use to anyone.
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364. Because you'll be dead.
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365. Real talk alert.
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366. Okay.
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367. I get it. I'd give you a hug, but right
now, my body has the structural integrity
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368. of a chocolate soufflé.
Ooh.
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369. I am so hungover. Did we
steal these sunglasses last night?
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370. No, you paid the bodega guy
$200 for them. And his shirt.
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371. Ugh. That explains why I have a
Scarf ace hoodie on my couch.
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372. Eh, worth it. It was
a pretty fun night.
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373. Hey. I just wanted to say I'm sorry
for canceling the party so abruptly.
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374. There was
a non-emergency emergency.
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375. Your loss. Amy made a salad and a cake,
and they were... Amazing.
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376. Well, let's put a make-up
dinner in the calendar.
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377. Or we could just go with the flow.
See what happens. I don't give a what.
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378. Too much.
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379. I mean, that would be great.
Thank you, sir.
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380. Captain.
Detective Diaz.
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381. I'm not pregnant.
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382. I see. I just wanted
to say thank you.
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383. Talking to you
was really helpful.
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384. Maybe mixing our personal and professional
lives isn't as disgusting as it sounds.
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385. Yes, I agree. And...
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386. I'm glad I could help.
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387. Now, let's never talk about...
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388. Stop pointing at it.
Yes, of course.
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389. Um...
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390. Dismissed?
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391. Yo. Welcome back,
Peralta. You look rested.
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392. Thank you, I am. I caught up on a lot
of very important daytime television,
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393. I tried grapefruit juice
for the first time, terrible,
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394. and one day, I even bought
the newspaper.
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395. It was raining,
and I needed a cheap umbrella.
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396. Impressive. And how's your
broken everything?
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397. Doctor gave me the all-clear
to come back to work.
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398. And I'm allowed to have light, non-strenuous
sex, provided I stretch before and after.
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399. Nice.
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400. Well, it's, uh, great
to have you back.
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401. Your perp got picked up
by some uniforms in the 78.
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402. But I have a couple other
B&E's you could jump on.
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403. Oh. Actually, Sarge,
I'm not back-back just yet.
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404. I decided to take two
more vacation days.
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405. A friend of mine said I needed
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406. to experience life
outside of work.
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407. Smart friend.
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408. Anyways, I figure I owe Boyle
a legit trip to AC. So...
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409. That's right, y'all.
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410. It's time for
ACDC part 2,
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411. Atlantic City
Destruction Crew.
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412. Yeah, actually not bad.
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413. Because we are going to
destroy eight different
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414. taffy crawls and one "Ghosts
of the Boardwalk" bus tour.
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415. Not where I saw that going,
but I'm still excited.
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416. Ha-ho!
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417. This is gonna
be epic, bro.
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418. Quick, Sarge, punch me in the
ribs as hard as you can.
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