Brooklyn Nine-Nine 2x19

1. The muggings were confined to Cabot Street.

2. They began over two months ago.

3. Just like this briefing did. Please go to charisma class.

4. I'm here, I'm here, sorry, Charles.

5. No, Jake, never apologize for making an amazing entrance.

6. My power went out last night, and my alarm didn't go off.

7. Your alarm is power-dependent?

8. You brought this on yourself, son.

9. Point is, it will not happen again. Carry on.

10. Sorry I'm late, Sarge. No hot water this morning.

11. But I'm here, ready to go.

12. Will cause no further distractions.

13. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Seriously?

14. What is your excuse today?

15. More bad luck.

16. My car ran out of gas and then my clothes disappeared from the Laundromat.

17. I had to beg one of my neighbors to loan me some of his.

18. You never told us Sinbad lives in your building.

19. If Sinbad lived in my building,

20. I would have a tattoo on my forehead that said "Sinbad lives in my building."

21. I'm here, I'm here, I'm here,

22. and I'm a half an hour early.

23. That's right, my string of bad luck has finally come to an end.

24. Peralta, you failed your drug test.

25. There were traces of cocaine and methamphetamines found in your urine.

26. What?

27. Captain, this is insane. I don't do drugs.

28. I mean, sure, a couple of my teeth are loose,

29. but that's from dental neglect, not meth.

30. Yeah, those tests are unreliable.

31. Okay, let's not blame tests. I believe in you, Jake, but come on.

32. He's going after tests.

33. Sir, listen. The missing laundry, the hot water,

34. the power, the gas, now this?

35. This is not bad luck, it's a pattern.

36. Someone's trying to sabotage me.

37. And who would want to do that?

38. Probably someone I put away. It's the only explanation.

39. Or you didn't pay your bills and you only put a quarter gallon of gas in your tank

40. 'cause you wanted to spend the rest on mini-mart beef jerky.

41. Wrong, I buy my jerky online, from the world's top jerkmasters.

42. So, looks like you need to update your jerk Rolodex,

43. which is not as dirty as it sounds.

44. Anyway, I can prove that I filled up my tank.

45. All right? I even have a receipt, because

46. I keep all my receipts, like a mature adult person.

47. Laser tag, wheelie shoes, remote control monster truck.

48. Ah-ha! Gas station. Someone drained my tank.

49. Okay, I know you don't do drugs.

50. So, maybe there is something to what you're saying.

51. I'll talk to One Police Plaza and arrange an appeal.

52. I'll also put someone on this, uh, sabotage theory.

53. I got it.

54. Jake, when I find whoever did this to you,

55. I'm gonna rip out their eyeballs and fill their sockets...

56. I think you might be too close to this.

57. Copy that.

58. Santiago, Diaz, look into it.

59. Noice. In the meantime, Peralta, you're suspended.

60. I'm gonna need you to hand in your badge and gun.

61. All right, fine, you can have my badge and gun.

62. But we're doing it in your office, so I can slam them down

63. on your desk and yell out, "The system stinks!"

64. Actually, the procedure is to bring your gun and badge

65. down to the equipment room on the second floor,

66. fill out form 452_J.

67. Hand the said form in to the inventory clerk,

68. and then receive a claim check through inter-office mail.

69. The system stinks!

70. Hey, Boyle.

71. Any progress with that extortion case you and Jake have been working on?

72. No, I've just been going over his notes.

73. Look how cool and illegible his handwriting is.

74. Oh, I wish I could be that free.

75. But you know me, ever the calligrapher.

76. Yeah, well, um, I thought you might need a little more manpower.

77. Okay. So, I'm assigning you a new partner.

78. Actually, partners.

79. Yep, there's definitely something in there. Looks like a peanut.

80. Bet it's a cashew.

81. You're on.

82. No! Sarge, come on, they're terrible.

83. Stop exaggerating, Boyle. They're good detectives.

84. They're fine!

85. Oh, no. I pushed it in deeper.

86. They're all we got.

87. Sir, Gina's dance concert was last night.

88. Right, the Dancy Reagan performance.

89. I've been so preoccupied with Peralta's drug test, it totally slipped my mind.

90. Me too, but don't worry. I told her we were there.

91. Was your favorite move The Gull?

92. Or was it Space Bubbles?

93. Oh. I loved them both!

94. I'm a bubble-man, and a gull-man.

95. You lied to her?

96. Like a pro. I couldn't hurt her feelings.

97. She really wanted us to be there.

98. Well, I wish you hadn't involved me in your deception.

99. I maintain a strict code of integrity.

100. Come on, Captain.

101. You've never told a white lie to make a person feel better?

102. I only lie when someone's safety is at risk.

103. Or if a juvenile, aged eight years or younger, asks about Santa Claus.

104. In which case...

105. I feed them some reassuring pap about

106. the logical impossibility of proving a negative.

107. It's sentimental drivel, but they eat it up.

108. So...

109. Does this mean you're gonna blow up my spot and tell Gina the truth?

110. If she asks me, then yes,

111. I suppose I will have to blow your spot right up.

112. Okay. This is everyone I could think of who would want to mess with my life.

113. Perps, people I've testified against,

114. the old guy who lived underneath me when I was

115. learning the Gangnam Style dance.

116. Wow. You've pissed off a lot of people.

117. Well, that's what happens when you live out loud, Rosa.

118. We need to look into the power outage and hot water. Do you have proof you pay your bills?

119. Are you serious?

120. Guys, this is not my fault.

121. My reputation is being sabotaged by some guy.

122. Or girl. You know, monsters can be women, too.

123. Super progressive attitude, Jake. Look, we are on your side.

124. It's just, you're not the most responsible person. We have to do our job.

125. All right, fine. You can see my bank records.

126. But I always pay my power bill.

127. Often late.

128. One time, in person, with Canadian pennies.

129. Oh, my God, talking about your finances makes me sweat behind the knees.

130. Nice. Hey, speaking of funky smells,

131. should we start this investigation at the urinalysis lab? Hmm?

132. Take a trip to the old pee factory?

133. Jake, you're suspended.

134. Just go home, have a beer, and smash something.

135. That's what I'd do. Or take advantage of this amazing city.

136. Go sight-seeing. MoMA has an exhibit I'm dying to see.

137. It's all about office chair design.

138. Oh.

139. Look, I know technically I'm not supposed to help out.

140. But rules were made to be broken.

141. They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.

142. Uh, piñatas.

143. Glow sticks. Karate boards.

144. Spaghetti when you have a small pot.

145. Rules. Look, someone's messing with my life here.

146. I thought you guys had my back. We do.

147. But seriously, you can't come with us.

148. Okay. Fine. I get it.

149. Protocol is protocol.

150. I'm gonna go check out that office chair design exhibit at the MoMA.

151. Rosa? Amy? What are you guys doing here?

152. Our non-suspended jobs. You're not supposed to be investigating.

153. I'm not. I'm sight-seeing, just as Amy suggested.

154. At Brooklyn Urine & Blood?

155. Oh, yeah.

156. The Internet says this is the number one urinalysis lab in all of New York.

157. Fun tourist selfie!

158. Boink! Not your best.

159. Anyways, I'm gonna take a walking tour in here,

160. while you guys ask a couple of questions.

161. And also, I've been waiting for 20 minutes. Where have you been?

162. We had to find the addresses of all 78 people you said might want to hurt you.

163. Uh-huh. And was there another stop along the way?

164. We got coffee.

165. Those are cappuccinos. You know how long it takes to foam that milk?

166. Time you could have spent on my case.

167. But I guess it's just froth over friends with you two.

168. Anyways, let's do this. Jake, I can't believe I'm about to say this.

169. I really wish you could come look at urine with us.

170. But you can't. You're suspended. Go home.

171. All right, fine! If you guys won't help me, I guess I'll just get myself off!

172. Context. Context was important on that one.

173. I get Greek yogurt, because there's heritage there.

174. But Iceland?

175. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

176. Hey, Gina, what are you guys talking about? Yogurt?

177. Me too. Let's keep talking about that. Whoo! Terry's out of breath.

178. Cool. I was just dropping off some files.

179. Great. Let's just go out to your desk and let's talk about how that went.

180. Okay, Terry.

181. But first, I want to ask the Captain for his "impresh" of my show.

182. Got any feed-B? Or was it just love, love, love?

183. Well, actually...

184. I thought it was amazing!

185. You were like a swan who went to Juilliard. It was so good.

186. Terry, I have already received your praise.

187. I am clearly fishing in another pond right now.

188. I am putting an end to this.

189. Sergeant Jeffords and I were unable to attend your performance.

190. Oh.

191. But you were so spot-on with your compliments.

192. Terry is a practiced liar.

193. I'm sorry we missed the show.

194. I know that dancing is an important hobby to you.

195. Hobby? You think my dancing is a hobby?

196. Well, yes. Like me and antique globe collecting.

197. It's thrilling but nobody is ever going to pay me for it.

198. Ergo, a hobby.

199. I get paid... In applause.

200. But apparently, not yours.

201. I know that maintaining integrity can be difficult,

202. but in the long run, everyone is better for it.

203. Attention, everyone.

204. The tragic sound you hear is the shredding of my spandy.

205. Gina Linetti will never dance again.

206. So, those threatening phone calls were being made to Tim Orsk of Tim O's Limos.

207. Interesting. This Orsk guy's name keeps cropping up in this case.

208. Because he's the victim.

209. You know, he's the guy whose window was smashed with this rock.

210. Okay? He's being extorted for $10,000.

211. Sure. But what do they want from him?

212. $10,000. I just said that.

213. We're trying to figure out who's doing the threatening.

214. Wait. I have a theory.

215. I think "limousine" and "magazine" come from the same word.

216. Just focus!

217. I'm sorry for snapping. I interviewed Orsk.

218. Orsk! There it is again.

219. Oh, you're useless! You're completely useless!

220. You are without a doubt the most incompetent detectives I've ever seen.

221. And I'm including that bomb-sniffing dog who humps all the bombs!

222. You know, your turning signal's been on for 30 seconds.

223. I like to announce my turning intention. This isn't the Indy 500.

224. Well, when you finally change lanes an hour from now,

225. we should go talk to Jake's super.

226. See if there was a power outage.

227. What?

228. Oh! Why would you do that?

229. I just broke into your car and then popped up without warning.

230. Not cool. What the hell are you doing?

231. I thought I was hitching a ride to Rikers so we could

232. interview some convicts I put away,

233. but apparently you're still wasting time investigating me.

234. Hey, it's your fault we have to check up on your power outages.

235. You have three mini-fridges plugged into the same outlet.

236. Three mini-fridges are cheaper than one regular one.

237. We're just doing our jobs. Why don't you trust us?

238. How can I? You didn't even know a man was lying in the backseat of your car.

239. And while you two were busy lolly-gargling,

240. I'm not familiar with the expression,

241. I was investigating. I'll send you some selfies.

242. Look, we're gonna get to your list.

243. We just have to rule out other possibilities first.

244. You know, there is a real chance that no one is after you.

245. Yeah, but I'm telling you that someone is. That should be enough.

246. And we told you to trust us. That should be enough.

247. All right, fine. You don't want my help? You're not gonna get it.

248. Dude.

249. In fact, I'm deleting your numbers from my phone.

250. Just let us take you home.

251. See you never.

252. Fine.

253. Where am I?

254. Hmm. Hello, Peralta.

255. Geoffrey Hoytsman? You're the one who's been sabotaging me?

256. I'm just ruining your life like you ruined mine.

257. You never should have arrested me.

258. But I basically got your cocaine charges dropped.

259. You only had to do 40 hours of community service.

260. Right, but I wanted to get them all done at once.

261. So, for energy, I did way too much cocaine and meth.

262. Went on a prolonged psychotic episode,

263. involving assault, public fornication and apparently,

264. the touching of my scrotum to every doorknob in a synagogue.

265. And you know what happened then?

266. They thoroughly cleaned the synagogue, you landed on your feet,

267. and pursued your true passion of selling ice cream?

268. None of that.

269. I lost my job, my wife, my home.

270. An ex-client lent me this truck.

271. He likes me because I got him off on a strangle-and-mangle.

272. Ew. You have a phrase for that?

273. I used to, when I was an awesome lawyer.

274. Now I'm just another idiot living in an ice cream truck.

275. So that's why you put drugs in my urine.

276. Hey, that was my urine. Your urine is in there.

277. Why would you keep my pee?

278. I need belongings, Jake. To feel like a man.

279. Great. Look, this is a bad idea, Hoytsman.

280. People are gonna notice if I disappear.

281. See? Someone's already looking for me.

282. You're in big trouble, buddy.

283. Your e-coupon for Big Mike's Calzones expires today.

284. You're damn right. And if I don't redeem that,

285. Big Mike is gonna get real suspicious.

286. Big Mike is a cartoon, with pizzas for eyes.

287. All right, fine. Maybe not Big Mike, but someone will.

288. Shut up, Peralta!

289. Oh, boy.

290. Captain Holt,

291. here's your compstat report.

292. This is how I move now.

293. Walking is too close to dancing and there is no more dance in me.

294. Plus, I'm hoping my leg muscles will atrophy

295. so I won't be tempted to use them.

296. I bet you feel real good about calling her dancing a hobby, huh?

297. Sarcasm. The coward's lie. I don't get it.

298. Gina's always so sure of herself.

299. She usually doesn't care at all what people say or think about her.

300. Maybe not with most people, Captain.

301. But she cares what you think.

302. Fine. I regret what I said.

303. But now, I don't know how to make it right with her.

304. Lie!

305. Yesterday, I told my twins there were baby bunnies

306. in their stomachs to get them to eat lettuce.

307. And that worked?

308. Yeah, but then they refused to drink their milk

309. because they thought the bunnies would drown.

310. So I bought a couple rabbits and told the girls that

311. they hopped out of their mouths while they slept.

312. I've lost track of your point.

313. They ate their lettuce, I'm stuck with two bunnies, and lying works!

314. Pretty good gag, huh? Prostitute taught me how to make it.

315. Where were you? You were gone for three hours.

316. I know, because I sang This is How We Do It 143 times.

317. Okay, well, I had to grab a few things at the art supply store.

318. Kidnapping is 90% crafting.

319. Jake, you're gonna help me get my life back.

320. You're gonna confess, on video, to framing me

321. for everything that got me in trouble.

322. And why would I do that?

323. Because I'm high on bath salts, emotionally unstable, and pointing a gun at you.

324. Let's make a movie!

325. Hey, Boyle, guess who caught the Tim O's Limos perp?

326. Jake? Is Jake back?

327. No, we did. Scully and Hitchcock. Signed confession.

328. You called us useless. You called us incompetent.

329. You called us zeroes in the sack.

330. Never happened. Well, someone said it to me last night.

331. Oh, uh, must have been my wife.

332. How did you solve the case?

333. We listened to those voicemails again and noticed

334. the sound of parrots in the background.

335. Got a list of employees, did door duty, asking neighbors if any of them kept pet birds.

336. We finally found one who did and guess what?

337. The landscaping in front of his building was covered with these.

338. The same type of rock that was thrown through the window.

339. I can't believe it. What, you don't think it can break one? Watch.

340. I meant I can't believe you solved the case.

341. Well, you were wrong on that, too.

342. "Hi, my name is Jake Peralta and this is my confession.

343. "I destroyed the good name of an American hero, Geoffrey Hoytsman."

344. Nice.

345. "I framed him for drug possession,

346. "I got him fired from his job,

347. "and I planted his scrotal prints on the synagogue doorknobs."

348. Great. Now, just 80 more confessions to go.

349. You've been very naughty.

350. "I threatened to blow Mr. Hoytsman's head off

351. "if he didn't quote-unquote really cheap out on his dad's funeral.

352. "And while he slept, I logged into Hoytsman's computer

353. "and flooded it with Thai pornography. Starts crying."

354. "Starts crying" is a stage direction, you imbecile!

355. "Also, I fathered two children with Hoytsman's cleaning lady,

356. "and it was I, disguised as Geoffrey,

357. "who spoke against her at her political asylum hearing."

358. God.

359. You did it, not me.

360. "I am a horrible person who has done horrible things

361. "to a truly decent man.

362. "Which is why I've decided to take my own life."

363. Wait. No. I didn't decide that.

364. Spoiler alert!

365. Decided to take my own life.

366. Yes! That last take sounded great!

367. You really brought my words to life.

368. You know, I should write more. What a rush.

369. Hoytsman, you don't have to do this.

370. Your life's not so bad.

371. I mean, living in an ice cream truck? Never showering?

372. That was my childhood dream.

373. I had everything.

374. I had friends, a wife, two beautiful children.

375. Out of three total, not a bad ratio.

376. And now I have nothing, and no one.

377. Look, I get it. I know what that feels like.

378. You've only lived in an ice cream truck for part of one day!

379. How could you possibly know?

380. Well, I know no one's coming to rescue me.

381. I was so concerned with saving myself and my reputation,

382. I pushed all my friends away.

383. Wow, sounds like you're having a breakthrough.

384. You should act on this.

385. You still have time to make it right.

386. Really? You're not gonna kill me?

387. Oh, jeez. I totally forgot. Thanks for reminding me.

388. Of course I'm gonna kill you.

389. Drugs make me say such silly things.

390. Drugs are so silly.

391. Ooh, I'm gonna do some right now.

392. Hoytsman. What?

393. Oh! Ah! That's my nose! That's where I put the drugs in!

394. So long, Hoytsman.

395. I can't move! I'm turtling! I'm turtling!

396. Nice try, Jake. Get up!

397. I can't.

398. Oh. Yeah, okay. My bad.

399. What's this?

400. I'm selling my smoke machine, glitter cannon, and castanets.

401. I would have put my soul on there, but that was shredded along with my spandies.

402. Gina, I want to tell you something.

403. Dancing is more than just a hobby for you. It's a profession.

404. Oh, so, you're a liar like Terry now?

405. No, I'm no bunny-buying coward.

406. You are a professional dancer.

407. Because I'm paying Dancy Reagan to perform two shows

408. at our at-risk youth program.

409. Congratulations.

410. Thank you, Captain. You just made me the happiest,

411. prettiest, most talented girl in the world.

412. This is the best $8,000 you ever spent.

413. It's $200.

414. I'm sure you're good for the rest.

415. Captain loves my dancing.

416. This is why you're alone, Jake.

417. We were bonding, talking about our pain.

418. And you pull a stunt like that?

419. You were gonna kill me.

420. Deflect, deflect, deflect.

421. This is why everyone hates you.

422. You open?

423. Okay, you keep it shut. I really need this sale.

424. Okay. All right.

425. Hello. Whoa!

426. Ow. Don't hurt me,

427. I'm someone's little boy!

428. Geoffrey Hoytsman, you're under arrest.

429. Ow.

430. Oh, I am so relieved you guys found me.

431. Wait. How did you find me?

432. You hadn't done anything super annoying to us for, like,

433. five hours, so we knew something was wrong.

434. Oh. That's very insulting but dead on.

435. We looked through those irritating selfies you sent us,

436. and in the background of three of them was an ice cream truck.

437. We ran the plates and put out an APB.

438. I'm sorry we doubted anybody was sabotaging you.

439. No, I'm the one who should apologize.

440. For some reason, I have trouble believing

441. people actually have my back.

442. I don't know why.

443. Probably my dad abandoning me.

444. Maybe something I should work out in therapy.

445. But who has an hour to spare once every two weeks, right?

446. Anyways, I'm sorry I acted like a jackass.

447. Wow, Jake, you're so sincere since you got off coke.

448. And meth. That was the hard one to kick.

449. No, the hard one to kick is angel dust.

450. Which is why I'm locked in for life. Hmm.

451. Hey, I double-checked your evidence.

452. Everything looks good. Huh.

453. I've got to say, you guys are good cops.

454. Yeah, no doy.

455. How do you think we got to be the oldest guys here?

456. By never being promoted and losing all your money to divorces?

457. And bad investments.

458. Anyway, I'm sorry for calling you useless.

459. And I'm gonna make sure everyone knows you did good.

460. Boyle, please don't. Don't?

461. The last thing we need is to suddenly be on everyone's A-list.

462. The ones to watch. The golden boys.

463. A pair of red hot dicks.

464. No one calls detectives that anymore.

465. People call detectives that?

466. All that investigating was exhausting.

467. Besides, we did our share of that in the '70s and '80s.

468. Now we like to do paperwork in our comfy chairs.

469. If we're away from our desks for too long,

470. they'll update our computers and we'll lose Minesweeper.

471. So please, don't tell anyone about the amazing work we did today.

472. I never said amazing. Kind of just did your jobs.

473. There you go.

474. No, really. I mean, you also broke a window.

475. Now you get it.

476. Your suspension has been lifted, Peralta.

477. Well, that's great news, sir.

478. And now, it is time for the traditional handing back

479. of gun and badge to the vindicated hero ceremony.

480. Everyone in!

481. I don't have your gun or your badge.

482. Just take form 891_J down to the equipment room

483. and retrieve your things there.

484. I'm sorry, but that's unacceptable.

485. Come on, Captain. I need this. We all need this.

486. Fine. Fine. If this will make you happy.

487. I believe these belong to you.

488. Congratulations.

489. That's very nice. Thank you.

490. But as I've said before, the system stinks

491. and this isn't over.

492. I say we march down to City Hall.

493. Get out of my office. Yep.