Brooklyn Nine-Nine 1x7

1. Hey, Cap'n, got a second?

2. It's "Captain."

3. What did I say? "Cap'n."

4. Like Cap'n Crunch.

5. All right, but to be fair, Cap'n Crunch was a war hero,

6. and the primary male role model in my house growing up, so...

7. Anyways, Captain,

8. you know that jewelry store robbery down by Grand Army Plaza?

9. I know who did it. Dustin Whitman.

10. I put him in Rikers two years ago.

11. He just got out, and the crime scene matches his MO perfectly.

12. Okay. What do we got?

13. Well, a security cam shows a male suspect, 5'9".

14. Wearing a black ski mask,

15. and he bypassed the McConnell alarm by using the magnetic kill switch,

16. and he only stole diamonds, nothing over two carats.

17. Yeah. Exactly. How did you know?

18. I'm a detective. That's what I do.

19. I'm just kidding. I need a lot more information,

20. but that would have been a great exit line, right?

21. Crime techs aren't done yet, but I'm 100% sure it's Whitman.

22. Well, let's see what kind of physical evidence they turn up,

23. and then we can talk arrest.

24. Actually, hilarious story.

25. So, that is Dustin Whitman.

26. You already arrested him with insufficient evidence.

27. By law, we have 48 hours to find that evidence, or we have to let him go.

28. You just started the clock.

29. What's up with this emergency meeting?

30. Whoa, Detective Santiago!

31. Big date tonight. How do I look?

32. Well, I think you look...

33. Sorry, that was supposed to be a cat call. I don't know how this works.

34. Hey, is this why you were getting make-up tips

35. from the prostitute in the holding cell?

36. I just wanted to know how she got such smoky eyes.

37. Turns out it was an STD rash.

38. Detective Peralta has made a collar in the jewelry store heist.

39. Way to go, Jakey. Ah, that's okay.

40. No! He didn't get sufficient evidence to make it stick.

41. So we have the next 48 hours to fix his mistake.

42. What evidence did you have when you arrested this guy?

43. Some pretty ironclad stuff.

44. Dustin, it's been a while.

45. Mind if I ask you a few questions?

46. Well, well, well, if it isn't "Joke" Peralta.

47. That's it, you're under arrest!

48. Case closed?

49. If we don't find something conclusive,

50. it jeopardizes the case and opens the department up to a lawsuit.

51. So cancel your plans. We're here until this is over.

52. Damn it, Peralta! Ow!

53. Now, I know everyone is mad at Peralta for ruining their weekend.

54. But? That was it.

55. I was just demonstrating for Detective Peralta what a fact is.

56. Terry, you just pulled two doubles.

57. You must be tired.

58. I'll stay for this Whitman debacle. You go home.

59. I'm not tired. Why would you think I was tired?

60. I ended up doing 25 minutes of sleep chin-ups on muscle memory alone.

61. Tired Terry still gets after it, that's all I'm saying.

62. Hey, Gina, can you order food for us at the Flatbush Diner?

63. They make the best pies in New York City.

64. Oopsie. You said something super dumb.

65. The best pie in the city is at Crust.

66. Wrong. Ignorant and wrong.

67. Uh, you think you can just bully people, but you can't. It's not okay.

68. I'm the bully around here. Ask anyone.

69. Boyle! You're always blogging on that foodie website.

70. Which pie is better?

71. Yeah, whose do you like better, mine or Rosa's?

72. Oh, uh, you know, I...

73. I haven't been, uh, either, uh, place yet.

74. Why is your eye twitching?

75. Wouldn't you like to know?

76. Could I see you for a second in the evidence lock-up?

77. Charles, I know what's going on.

78. You've tried both pies. You know mine is better.

79. But you're scared to tell Rosa, 'cause you're into her.

80. What? That is not true!

81. Okay? I don't even like food.

82. What? Who's Rosa?

83. She... You... You're the scared one!

84. Planning your strategy?

85. No, I'm just making funny faces at him.

86. This mirrored glass is awesome. It straight up works!

87. An effective use of your limited time.

88. It is, actually. That's how I got him last time.

89. I let him stew for a little bit, got in his head and he confessed.

90. You'd better be right. I am.

91. Hey, make some funny faces while I'm in there,

92. I wanna see if I can tell.

93. I didn't do anything, Joke.

94. That's funny. You said the exact same thing last time.

95. And how'd that work out for you? Let's take a look.

96. Okay, here's you at your trial, you in prison.

97. Me meeting Regis Philbin. That was fun.

98. You still in prison, me at Splash Mountain.

99. Just pepper these in here.

100. You in prison, you in prison, you in prison. You get it.

101. You got the wrong guy.

102. All right, not ready to confess?

103. Fine by me. I've got all the time in the world.

104. No, you actually have 48 hours. I know the law.

105. Nuh-uh!

106. So, looks like we're gonna be here for a while.

107. Should someone do a coffee run?

108. You know what? Coffee's on me!

109. Oh, but no froofy frappuccinos or anything. I've only got, like, 10 bucks.

110. Okay.

111. Rise and shine, Detectives. Rise and shine.

112. Peralta, I want you to bring everyone up to speed.

113. You slept in your office and you look exactly the same. How?

114. What are you talking about? My hair is a mess.

115. Oh, yeah. Briefing room, five minutes.

116. How long were we asleep?

117. Just long enough for me to squeeze in a quick workout.

118. So, like, three hours.

119. Morning.

120. I can't believe you live nearby and you won't let anyone crash at your place.

121. You people already know too much about me.

122. I know exactly three facts about you,

123. and one of them is that you won't let any of us crash at your place.

124. Is that a nightgown? That's mine.

125. It's a T-shirt from my fat phase.

126. "If at first you don't secede, try, try again."

127. When you're that big, you buy anything that fits.

128. A lot of fat guy clothes have racist overtones.

129. Okay, a couple of quick announcements.

130. First, I met our night janitor, Ronald.

131. If any of you are missing hand sanitizer, he drank it.

132. Second, our warrants finally went through.

133. We've got to place Whitman at the scene,

134. and prove that he either possessed or sold those diamonds.

135. I know you're all tired, but don't forget why we're here.

136. Because we're dedicated detectives.

137. Because Peralta jumped the gun.

138. Yep. Get to work.

139. So, we both had good answers.

140. This isn't a joke. You're ruining our weekend.

141. Okay, I'm sorry you had to cancel dinner with your dad.

142. Date. I had a date.

143. Hey, if Jake says the guy did it, that usually means the guy did it.

144. Thank you. Everyone listen to Rosa.

145. No. I'm still furious at you.

146. Okay, no one listen to Rosa. She's clearly an accomplice to this crime.

147. I'm gonna go take another crack at Whitman.

148. You've been in there, like, five times. What are you gonna do,

149. annoy him into talking?

150. Ha-ha.

151. Two! Three! Four!

152. Didn't work. Thank you. Did not work.

153. Hey, Captain, will you please let everyone else go?

154. I feel bad that I ruined their weekend, and I can tell they're pissed at me.

155. I mean, Charles hasn't tried to high-five me all morning.

156. Yes. I've taken the brunt of that.

157. Kitchen buds!

158. Are you sure Whitman did it?

159. Yes. I'm positive.

160. Then the whole team stays. We have a better shot with everyone on it.

161. Fine. Will you at least tell Hitchcock to go home?

162. His mouth smells like rotten trout milk.

163. Is there such a thing?

164. I'm just telling you what it smells like.

165. Get out.

166. You have the bank records? Mmm-hmm.

167. Good thing I didn't reschedule my date for tonight. We're never leaving here.

168. Well, maybe that's a good thing, you know?

169. Saved you from another lame Internet date with some lame guy,

170. named Dirk or Margerine.

171. He's not lame, okay? He works with a friend of mine,

172. he has a human name, and I'm not telling you what it is,

173. because you'll look him up and make fun of him.

174. I can't believe you think so little of me...

175. that you would just automatically assume.

176. Is it Luke Mueller?

177. How did you do that?

178. Well, you only have one friend, Kylie,

179. and she has seven male coworkers.

180. Goatee, goatee, jaunty fedora, profile pic is a sunset,

181. Tasmanian Devil tattoo, goatee.

182. Leaving Luke as the only viable option.

183. Well, he's nice, and he uses proper punctuation in texts.

184. Dreamboat. And I wanted to go out with him.

185. All right, you know what? Reschedule for tonight.

186. I promise I will get us out of here in time.

187. Fine. I'm holding you to that.

188. Where's he taking you?

189. Terrific, let's get everyone involved.

190. Dinner and a movie.

191. Dinner and a movie is the perfect first date.

192. I think the perfect first date doesn't feel like a first date at all,

193. because you've known each other for a few years,

194. maybe even work together, and then one night you're laughing,

195. and then all of a sudden it's like, blammo! Kissing.

196. For me, cheap dinner, watch basketball, bone down.

197. So pretty much the same as what I said.

198. None of the partials match Whitman.

199. If he did it, he didn't leave any prints.

200. Maybe he doesn't have any. Interesting fact about me,

201. I once burnt my fingerprints off on a wok.

202. Hi. Hello.

203. What are you doing? Holt said you didn't have to come in here.

204. You don't come in on days you're supposed to work.

205. Because I'm so nice, I brought two pies.

206. One is from Crust,

207. and one is also from Flatbush Diner.

208. Hey, you know what might be fun?

209. Charles could try them and tell us which one is better.

210. How fun is that? So fun.

211. Yay! Yum! Yum! Yum! Yummy!

212. You got a second, Captain? Yeah.

213. I've got these overtime forms for you to...

214. Are you stifling a yawn?

215. No, sir. Go home, Sergeant.

216. I'm fine. I filled this out. I just need you to...

217. Permission to yawn, sir?

218. Go home.

219. Please. I'm begging you.

220. Fair enough. Yeah.

221. That's for women.

222. These your glasses? Uh-huh.

223. They're gigantic.

224. My contacts dried out, thanks to you.

225. And they're cool. No, they're not.

226. Wow, you are blind blind. Yeah.

227. You're a blind cop.

228. How has there not been a made-for-TV movie about your struggles?

229. Give those back. Yep.

230. Wait a minute. I did it.

231. I got Whitman, dead to rights.

232. I can still make my date?

233. As I promised. Go get changed.

234. And by that, of course, I mean, throw your glasses in the garbage,

235. then get laser surgery, then recuperate...

236. And she left the room.

237. It's all right. Six out of 12.

238. Out of 12? Why?

239. For the twelve components of food satisfaction.

240. Salty, sweet, sour, bitter, umami, odor, sound...

241. Sound? Come on, Charles. Try her nasty pie.

242. Oh, wow. That's the best pie I've ever had.

243. No, no, no, no, no, no.

244. What's this?

245. We were running calls to pawn shops and then waiting for them to call back.

246. I didn't ask what you were doing. I asked what you are doing.

247. Pie taste test. It's over. I won.

248. It's unacceptable.

249. If you want to know which restaurant has better pies,

250. you can't just have one guy try one pie from each place.

251. Everybody needs to try all the pies from both places.

252. We gonna be here a while.

253. Debit card statement.

254. You were at a parking meter two blocks from the jewelry store,

255. an hour before the robbery.

256. Oh, no. You found out about my wife.

257. We both have cards, because we share a joint account,

258. because we love each other.

259. You're incapable of love and I'll prove it!

260. I'm very tired. I want my lawyer now.

261. You have changed! You used to go straight to prison!

262. Did Whitman talk?

263. Oh, he talked all right.

264. He asked for his lawyer. By using words.

265. Which is technically talking.

266. We can't ask him any more questions till we find his lawyer,

267. and we can't find his lawyer anywhere. I'm sorry.

268. Oh, come on, why is there pie here?

269. That's not good.

270. I think the world of you as a colleague and friend.

271. Shut up, Peralta. Yep.

272. Yes! Another one for Crust.

273. It's not looking good for Flatbush Diner.

274. Oh, come on!

275. You went home and showered? That's so unfair.

276. I'm just glad I keep a toothbrush here.

277. Oh, cool. Hey, can I borrow it?

278. Uh, why do you want to borrow a toothbrush?

279. What possible answer could he give that would make you say yes?

280. I want to brush my teeth. Jake, it's been in my mouth.

281. That's the grossest thing I've ever heard!

282. That's the grossest thing you've ever heard?

283. You caught a guy on the subway with a bag of human ears.

284. Your thing's grosser. Bring out the meringues!

285. I brought a few more. That's so many.

286. You wanted something, sir?

287. Look, it's impossible to make you leave,

288. but you do have to sleep, and that's an order.

289. Sir, this is not necessary.

290. Also, I can't sleep without my whale songs.

291. Terry, I've seen this before. Problems at home, so you stay late at the job.

292. But that only makes it worse.

293. Everything's great with my wife, it's just...

294. My brother-in-law's in town and we do not get along.

295. He thinks I'm a weakling.

296. You?

297. Let me get that for you.

298. I can do it.

299. Tiny Terry loves his pickles.

300. He makes me feel so small.

301. Who cares what he thinks? You're a police sergeant. You're a grown man.

302. Now take your nap.

303. And if I see the lights on in here, I'm going to be very disappointed in you.

304. Are you the idiot that made a Friday night arrest?

305. I was in the Poconos with my wife. You ruined my entire weekend.

306. Get in line, because that's their attitude.

307. Get your own attitude!

308. He has an alibi, geniuses.

309. He was at Torque. It's a nightclub in Cape May, New Jersey.

310. All night. Nice try.

311. You think I'm gonna waste six hours driving to the Jersey Shore and back,

312. on some fake alibi? It's up to you.

313. But in 10 hours, he walks.

314. More like in 10 hours he walks into prison,

315. when we bust him.

316. Let's follow up on his alibi.

317. Yep, you heard him, Scully. Hit the road.

318. No. You should've looked into this before you made the arrest.

319. You go. Oh, Captain, I'm happy to go.

320. I love the salt water taffy down there.

321. Scully loves the salt water taffy down there.

322. No. Peralta is going.

323. Go, Peralta.

324. Look, I know I caused this problem.

325. But I can fix it. We just got some new security footage in.

326. Let me stay here and go through it.

327. I'm gonna prove that Whitman was at the scene of the crime,

328. even if it kills me.

329. This is killing me.

330. Good. Die.

331. You know, if it does come to that,

332. I have but one wish before I go.

333. Can I please put your glasses on my penis? I just think that would be really funny.

334. Hey, can you make copies of these warrant requests for me?

335. I'm not your secretary.

336. You're everyone's secretary.

337. That's literally your job.

338. And your job is lying about your taste buds?

339. I'm sorry about the whole pie blow-up thing.

340. You're right, the Flatbush Diner pie is awful.

341. Thank you. It's just...

342. I want Rosa to like me.

343. All right, do whatever you want,

344. but most women don't really like it when dudes lie to them.

345. Except for me, but I'm wired to thrive on dysfunction.

346. Nothing.

347. Hey, wait, this guy.

348. 5'9" or 5'10", black knit cap.

349. Come on, come on, come on, got you!

350. It's not him.

351. Let's just arrest this guy. Who even cares anymore?

352. So, how did my new best friend Luke take it when you canceled on him again?

353. Don't know. Hasn't called me back.

354. Which is what always happens,

355. because it's impossible to be a cop and date.

356. Amy, look, there is a guy out there

357. with incredibly low standards and a super-weird soul patch

358. and he is waiting for you.

359. Amy, my patch tingles for you.

360. We will wed on the Isle of New Jersey.

361. Our first dance will be to Jessie's Girl,

362. because my name is definitely Jesse.

363. It's so romantic. Hey, guys.

364. Hey. Yeah, there's good news and there's bad news.

365. The bad news is my salt water taffy place was closed.

366. And the good news?

367. Whitman's alibi checked out.

368. Security footage from Torque shows he was there.

369. That's not good news. That's bad news.

370. Right. That is bad news.

371. Sorry. It's on me.

372. No, Detective Scully, it's on Peralta.

373. No, Captain, that's on Santiago.

374. It's on me. It's still on me.

375. This is such a disaster.

376. It's not good. DA's furious.

377. Whitman and his lawyer are in my office right now, gunning for a lawsuit.

378. No, not that.

379. My brother-in-law is coming to have dinner with me on his way to JFK.

380. But also, the botched investigation, that's bad, too.

381. Okay. What can I do?

382. Oh, your services will not be necessary,

383. because you need to go home and change for your date.

384. What? I called handsome Luke.

385. I explained the weekend was entirely my fault, partially,

386. and he wants to go out with you tonight.

387. Thanks, Peralta. You're welcome.

388. Promise me you won't use the condoms in the secret pocket of your purse, okay?

389. They're expired. How do you know what's in my purse?

390. I needed concealer for a zit.

391. Plus, you know, we spend so much time together here,

392. I know everything about everyone.

393. Hitchcock went bald at 15.

394. Scully used to date Hitchcock's wife.

395. Charles has a bike with a little basket on the front.

396. How else would you carry baguettes?

397. And Rosa has a shower in her apartment, I think.

398. I got nothing on her. Good.

399. Well, I guess we did just spend 48 hours locked in here together.

400. Holy crap. What?

401. Locked in here together.

402. So, we will be filing a wrongful arrest suit against the NYPD.

403. And when I win, I'm gonna buy Club Torque.

404. Put a statue of Jake Peralta right in the middle of the dance floor.

405. First off, that's a terrible threat.

406. I would love to have a statue of myself in the middle of a dance club.

407. Second...

408. Do me a favor. Take a look at this picture and tell me what you see.

409. You and Regis Philbin?

410. Awesome, right?

411. Surprisingly down-to-earth guy and definitely not the picture I meant to show you.

412. But, take a look at this.

413. That's right. It's you and your old cell mate, Marcus Cole.

414. And here he is again, outside the jewelry store.

415. The two of you planned this together in prison.

416. You taught him your MO, he pulled off the robbery,

417. you got yourself an alibi, and you split the loot.

418. Oh, man! I can't believe he caught us!

419. Of course he did! Peralta is the best!

420. Ah, thanks, Reege! That's enough.

421. Yeah, I gotta work on my Regis.

422. Anyway, see you in jail, Whitman!

423. You got anything else to say?

424. Hey, Rosa? The Flatbush Diner's pie is terrible.

425. It's inedible. Food is supposed to be edible.

426. So you were lying? What the hell, Boyle?

427. Put it in the suck-it bucket.

428. Crust isn't any better. It's fancier, but it's all bells and whistles.

429. Desserts don't need to be clever.

430. They just need to be good.

431. This is the best pie in New York City.

432. Apple, from Argos Bakery, founded 1910.

433. Recipe unchanged. Taste it!

434. Damn it. This is amazing.

435. This pie is so good I hate it.

436. You just graduated Pie School, bitches!

437. Sorry I said bitches. I'm just really worked up.

438. What is that?

439. Sorry for screwing up everyone's weekend.

440. Hey, uh, drinks on me. Who's in?

441. Oh, no way. I got a date. I gotta change.

442. Come on. Everyone's tired, Peralta.

443. They just want to go home.

444. Yeah, but I have to prove I'm not selfish, so I don't care what they want.

445. That sounded bad.

446. And, to make up for what I did, I'll cover one shift, each for all of you.

447. Well, good. Except Santiago.

448. What? I got you your date back.

449. One nice thing from me is all you get.

450. So, this is my desk.

451. Desk jockey, huh?

452. You just sit here, eat your pickles,

453. wait for the criminals to turn themselves in?

454. Actually, I don't like pickles that much.

455. Terry, I'm glad I found you.

456. There's been a development in the Russian mob case. Oh?

457. Yeah, our killer has been spotted

458. in a warehouse down by the canal.

459. Get your gear.

460. So you want me first through the door, sir?

461. Oh, it's just you. The SWAT team is on another call.

462. So, you'll have to do it alone.

463. Hey, I'm not gonna be able to make dinner tonight.

464. Hey, no. Do your thing. Do your thing. Go, Terry.

465. You can crash on my couch.

466. I even downloaded you some whale songs.

467. Thank you, sir. I'll never forget it.

468. Good night, Terry.