Brooklyn Nine-Nine 1x5

1. Hey. Did you guys see the dude I brought in today?

2. The drug dealer? 81 -years-old.

3. I think it's the oldest collar of my entire career.

4. I once arrested a 96-year-old for flashing.

5. I was terrified he'd die in my back seat. Or flash me.

6. My oldest collar was 78.

7. But the PCP made her fight like she was 20.

8. What about two 50-year-old twins?

9. Does that count as a 100-year-old?

10. No good. No.

11. You talking oldest bags? 68.

12. That's not that old. Yeah, but I was only 20.

13. Twenty? Were you even a cop then?

14. No, man. It was before I got into the academy.

15. Charles isn't talking about his oldest arrest.

16. Ew!

17. No. Yes, I am. Yes, I am.

18. Yeah, oldest arrest. 68. Like I said.

19. God, you had sex with a 68-year-old when you were in your 20s?

20. You know how it is

21. when you have a chance to bed an older woman, you...

22. No. That is not an older woman.

23. That's an old woman. That's someone's grandma.

24. She was, actually. That's how I met her.

25. Ugh. I went to college with her grandson, Marvin.

26. Don't knock it until you try it. She had a replacement hip with some serious torque.

27. It was like having sex with a Transformer.

28. That is no one's fantasy.

29. Peralta,

30. where are we on the Lincoln Place murder?

31. Well, like I told Captain Holt earlier this week,

32. we are at the one-yard line.

33. It's a football reference.

34. Yes, Jake.

35. I played linebacker at Syracuse.

36. Really? In high school, I played center-field.

37. In the musical Damn Yankees.

38. Yeah, you don't want to brag about that.

39. Peralta, you want to loop everyone in?

40. Eh. That was not a request.

41. Fine.

42. Get ready for some stuff on a screen.

43. Meet Fred Gorman.

44. Prominent citizen, lawyer, corpse.

45. Now, meet his wife, Ann Hoert.

46. She did not take his last name, but I believe she did take his life.

47. Nice. Thank you, Charles.

48. Now, Hoert had means, motives, and opportunity.

49. I just need to find the murder weapon.

50. For some reason, the DA won't move forward with the arrest

51. until we find the knife she used.

52. Is that reason that they want to win the case?

53. Yes.

54. Well, find it.

55. The family's close to the Mayor,

56. and I'm catching heat from the higher-ups.

57. I'm going to ask you again.

58. Do you need any resources or personnel?

59. No, sir. I've got it.

60. Okay. Dismissed.

61. Sergeant Jeffords, my office.

62. Uh-oh. He probably wants to talk to you about how your

63. shirts aren't tight enough probably.

64. Okay, how can we help? What do you need?

65. I need nothing.

66. I'm about to solve this case, meet the Mayor,

67. and sell my life rights to Channing Tatum,

68. so he can play my less attractive brother in the ensuing film.

69. Come on, Peralta.

70. Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.

71. I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone.

72. Except when it comes to sex.

73. Actually, sometimes including sex.

74. Will you just let us help?

75. Okay, fine.

76. I will let one of you help me.

77. Charles. Yeah!

78. And I am choosing Charles, because he's the least likely to steal my thunder.

79. I would never steal his thunder.

80. I'd be afraid to borrow it.

81. Terry. I'd like you to accompany me to a gun range.

82. You mean drive you there and wait outside? Far away from the guns?

83. I spent eight years in the public affairs office,

84. so my tactical skills are a little rusty.

85. I need some pointers.

86. Sir, I haven't fired a weapon since the incident.

87. The mannequin incident. I'm familiar.

88. Actually, there was an incident after that.

89. Another incident?

90. You got to cool it, man.

91. I'm gonna get some candy.

92. Sir? I may not be the man for the job.

93. You used to be the precinct's champion marksman.

94. I only want to take pointers from the best.

95. So, I'll keep it low-key.

96. We'll go after work to a private range. No cops, no pressure.

97. Blam! Blam, blam! Gun range.

98. I told Gina she could join us.

99. I want to get certified.

100. There has been a ton of crime in my neighborhood.

101. And the cops in my precinct are very bad.

102. You live in our precinct.

103. Yeah. I know.

104. I know we've gone over this before, but I have to ask you again.

105. Is there anywhere you can think of in that hallway

106. where a knife could be hidden?

107. Well, since I've already told you, like, three times,

108. no, why don't I just record it,

109. then I don't have to say it again.

110. The hallway, like all other hallways, does not have a secret knife-hiding place.

111. Here, you want to hear it again?

112. Idea for a novel.

113. A mild-mannered doorman gets bitten on the penis by a radioactive spider and becomes

114. the world's greatest lover.

115. No, don't stop it. I want to hear what happens.

116. This is terrific. He saves the First Lady, if you must know.

117. Sounds compelling.

118. Oh, boy.

119. Well, hello. I heard you guys were making the rounds again.

120. All right. This one's all you, tiger.

121. Come on.

122. Police.

123. Hey, ma'am.

124. Thank God. Here, hold this. The lasagna's burning.

125. Okay. Um...

126. Get the dog! But don't let it touch the baby!

127. Oh. Okay. Peralta.

128. Yo. I looked at the photos of your victim on your desk.

129. Is that Rosa? Tell her I said hi.

130. The puncture wounds are similar to a case I had a while back.

131. They aren't from a knife. I think it's something spiral, like a corkscrew.

132. Don't shush me. I'm helping you.

133. No. No, I'm holding a baby. That was actually very helpful.

134. Thank you. Uh-oh.

135. You better get back here. Now.

136. Oh. Hello, Peralta.

137. No, no, no.

138. I don't know why you're so upset, man.

139. I'm the one that had to come to this backwater stink hole.

140. What's up, little man?

141. What's up? Feeling sexy? Huh?

142. Yeah, I feel sexy.

143. You look sexy. You know I do.

144. Watch out for that door.

145. Yo, how much you bench? Seriously.

146. Captain, please, please, pretty please, do not let him take over my case.

147. Major Crimes is stepping in.

148. Nothing I can do. You're off the case.

149. I can't believe you're just rolling over and giving

150. my murder away to The Vulture.

151. We call him The Vulture because he swoops in

152. and solves cases that are almost solved and takes the credit for himself.

153. Yes, Boyle, I put that together from context.

154. First of all, Major Crimes has jurisdiction over any and all cases they want to take,

155. but more importantly, you're the one who insisted on working alone.

156. I told you for weeks to use the squad, and you refused.

157. I used them. I mean, Rosa's the one who figured out the corkscrew.

158. Charles caught a dog.

159. Well, congratulations, Detective Boyle.

160. You should have involved them sooner.

161. Turn over your files to Detective Pembroke.

162. Sir, call him The Vulture. Giving him a name makes him human.

163. Turn over the files.

164. Fine. But in protest, I'm walking over there extremely slowly.

165. Thank you.

166. God, this is so boring.

167. For both of us.

168. Hey, before I solve this case, I'd like to thank you for doing all the super easy work.

169. You know, the real Nancy Drew-level stuff.

170. Oh, yeah? Did Nancy Drew solve a lot of murders?

171. Yeah, she did. Murder on Ice. Recipe for Murder.

172. Nancy was a wonderful detective.

173. I wanted to be her when I grew up.

174. Thanks, Charles. That's helpful.

175. Hey. Should we take odds on how fast I'll solve this case?

176. Nope. I mean, what was it with Diaz's last

177. "impossible" extortion case?

178. What was it? Six hours?

179. That's because it was 98% solved.

180. The last 2% is the hardest to get.

181. That's why they leave it in the milk.

182. What?

183. Oh. Wow. Looking good, Santiago.

184. Looking foxy, ma.

185. Go rot in hell. This is your fault.

186. Thanks, champ. Good effort.

187. I got it from here. And hey,

188. you feel free to call me any time you need me to come down here

189. and help powder that big white ass of yours.

190. Well. That's the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

191. I hate The Vulture so much.

192. Me, too. But he's kind of hot.

193. What? You can hate people and still think they're hot.

194. Case in point Manuel Noriega.

195. You know what? I'm with you on this. Tonya Harding.

196. Yeah, she's thick.

197. Right? Always classy, Jake.

198. Mmm-hmm.

199. Sorry you got vultured. It happens to the best of us.

200. On my count. One, two...

201. Three! I got it from here. Yeah! Get up! Get up!

202. Turn around!

203. You have the right to remain silent.

204. Anything you say can and will be...

205. Can and will be used against you in a court of law.

206. Thanks, guys, I got it from here.

207. Skim white chocolate macchiato for Charles?

208. I got it from here.

209. I used a gift card for that.

210. God, I just, I wanna get back at him so bad.

211. I wish I could throw his cell phone in the toilet or slash his tires.

212. I don't know.

213. Or slash his gorgeous throat.

214. I cannot figure you out.

215. Okay. I'm buying everyone drinks as long as we're here thinking of a revenge plan.

216. Best idea gets 50 bucks. Throw them on out.

217. What if you called him from a hospital and said his whole family is dead?

218. Like they died of cancer.

219. Charles, that is so dark. I'm putting it down.

220. So, my stance feels good, but I'm still not hitting center.

221. All right. Back your left foot up a hair.

222. Like this?

223. No. Gina, we've been over this.

224. Well, show me.

225. Like, wrap your thick, muscular arms around me and...

226. All right, look. Hands here. Stand up straight. Chin forward.

227. Hold on. My nose itches. Gina!

228. Now, when I lock my shooting arm, the other hand feels unstable.

229. Now, what stance am I supposed to be doing? Weaver or Isosceles?

230. You guys did stances?

231. Like, oh... Yeah, everybody does stances.

232. Listen... All right, look.

233. Hey. Both of you, just watch.

234. That's eight. He did it.

235. That was only seven.

236. Why are you counting my shots?

237. Are you trying to have me recertified?

238. Yes. If you make eight of 10 shots, I can sign off on you carrying a gun again.

239. Gina's here as an official witness,

240. and I thought it would be easier for you in a no-pressure environment.

241. I can't believe you tricked me.

242. You're too good a cop to be shackled to a desk.

243. Now, you only have one hit until you get re-certified.

244. So, deep breath. Huh?

245. Take the final shot.

246. Don't over think it. Just relax and breathe.

247. Bring air into your lungs,

248. like you've done your whole life.

249. Oh, my God. Guys!

250. How do you breathe? I forgot how to breathe!

251. Is it two in, one out?

252. What if we wrap his motorcycle in plastic wrap and melt it with a hair-dryer?

253. Little trick I learned in gift basket making class.

254. All right, here's what we're up to.

255. "Steal his kidney. Burn down his house.

256. "Replace his aloe tissues with regular tissues."

257. Thank you, Charles. You're welcome.

258. "Leave a dead cat in his cedar closet."

259. Note. He would have to own a cedar closet.

260. He seems like he would.

261. Uh, "Sneak into his apartment and burn popcorn in the microwave."

262. Thank you, Charles.

263. Uh, Scully asked for mashed potatoes, so I wrote that down.

264. Well, I hate to say it, but I think, by default,

265. Charles's motorcycle idea is the winner.

266. Yeah. Winning by default.

267. Let's get into it.

268. Anybody know where The Vulture lives?

269. On Third, right near here.

270. How do you know that?

271. Shotgun, boys. We're rolling.

272. Take that, Vulture.

273. Let's melt this thing.

274. All right. Give me your hair-dryer.

275. What? What are you talking about?

276. Don't you carry one in your purse?

277. Have you ever met a human woman?

278. There's a drugstore four blocks away. I'm on it.

279. Oh, no. Scully, traveling four blocks?

280. That could take weeks.

281. Take the shot, Sergeant.

282. I just need a second.

283. You've had 18 minutes of seconds.

284. Gina's Authentic Stolen Police Badges. How can I help?

285. Hey, it's Peralta. Oh, hey, Jake.

286. Hey. Do you carry a hair-dryer in your purse?

287. Of course. I'm not an animal.

288. Great. Uh, I need you to bring it to The Vulture's apartment.

289. There's someone named The Vulture? Tell Rosa.

290. She'd be into that. Come on.

291. Peralta, why are you asking Gina about Detective Pembroke?

292. Oh. Captain, hello. Uh.

293. We are preparing him a gift basket of sorts.

294. Look. I understand that you're upset.

295. But if you want to keep this from happening again,

296. I suggest that you pull your team together and solve these cases,

297. before Major Crimes can step in.

298. Am I clear?

299. Yes, sir. That is definitely clear. Thank you, sir.

300. You should be frowning. Why is Jake smiling? Why are you smiling?

301. Because the Captain just gave us the perfect revenge plan.

302. We team up and solve this case. Right now.

303. That is not what he meant.

304. Think about it, Amy.

305. We go back to the scene of the crime, find the murder weapon, and out-vulture The Vulture.

306. No one gets in trouble if we crack the case.

307. Okay. Screw it. I'm in.

308. Yes, that's right.

309. All right. We're angry.

310. We're getting revenge. We're a little bit tipsy.

311. We should not be driving. We're taking the bus.

312. I love the bus.

313. So, the waitress heard the couple arguing at dinner.

314. Apparently, he was having an affair and it was not the first time.

315. Two years ago, she caught him with the dog walker,

316. who was "walking his dog," if you know what I mean.

317. I do. Right?

318. Yes. I got it. Sex times.

319. Mmm-hmm. Anyways, we know it's the wife.

320. You're real talkative now that you want our help.

321. All right, it is possible that I should have brought you guys in sooner,

322. but I just get so excited wrapped up in wanting to solve stuff.

323. You know? I get it.

324. You want to be the best. We all do.

325. You just don't have to be such a butthead about it.

326. What?

327. I just can't believe you would call me a butthead. Shut up.

328. So harsh.

329. Hitchcock farts non-stop.

330. Still waiting, Sergeant.

331. Well, it's just, the target looks exactly like a friend of mine.

332. It's freaking me out.

333. You have a friend who's just a silhouette?

334. Yes. Let's all just count to a million.

335. One, two, three, four, five, six.

336. So, then, Ice Man says, "You can be my wing man any day." And then, Maverick says...

337. I've seen the film, Sergeant.

338. I haven't. What happens next?

339. Goose comes back, right? He's not really dead.

340. Goose is gone.

341. No. I know.

342. All right. Here's how it went down.

343. 9:45, a man screams.

344. Ninety seconds later, wife goes down to the doorman.

345. Says a guy murdered her husband and then ran off.

346. We know she's lying.

347. We've just got to find the corkscrew to make our case air-tight.

348. I say we role-play, see if something sparks.

349. Darling, thank you for a lovely dinner.

350. Perhaps we should have one more drink before bed.

351. Don't you "darling" me, you philanderer.

352. No, you're the husband. The husband had the affair.

353. I'm always the victim. I don't want to be the victim.

354. Okay. Charles is the door.

355. No. I'll be the victim. Don't make me a door again.

356. Great. Okay. So, wife goes into the drawer. Gets the corkscrew.

357. Stab, stab, stab.

358. What does she do with the corkscrew?

359. She dumps it in the hallway trash chute on the way to the doorman.

360. No, we checked the trash, like, 10 times.

361. We would have seen a bloody corkscrew.

362. All right, Hitchcock, you're up.

363. The body. The corkscrew's still in the body.

364. No, you're terrible at this. Go sit down.

365. You're up, Diaz.

366. Stab!

367. Then I toss the corkscrew out the window and it lands on a passing car.

368. Security cams showed no one driving by at that time, and nothing on the street.

369. Okay, I want in. But I only want to stab you.

370. Fine. Charles, door.

371. Right.

372. Okay. Uh, sweetheart...

373. Time to die. That seems a little harsh.

374. What if it was a magnetic corkscrew?

375. If the corkscrew was on a magnet...

376. It's stuck halfway down the inside of the trash chute.

377. I figured it out first.

378. Wow. What's happening?

379. You have a 10-pound flashlight in your purse, but not a hair-dryer?

380. I can't see far enough down.

381. Someone's going to have to go down in there.

382. Someone with narrow shoulders.

383. No. I have broad shoulders. I have narrow hips, but broad shoulders.

384. God!

385. See anything? A little lower.

386. Freeze. Hands in the air.

387. We're cops.

388. Broad shoulders. Stuck!

389. Told you. Broad shoulders.

390. Apparently, our detective squad has gotten drunk,

391. compromised a crime scene, and an officer has gotten stuck in a trash chute.

392. I need you to lead this squad, Terry, and I mean really lead it.

393. I hope you take the shot.

394. What kind of precinct are you running here?

395. Would you like to sit down, Detective? You seem upset.

396. Hell yeah, I'm upset.

397. Your team disrupted a crime scene over which they have zero, zero jurisdiction.

398. They were publicly drunk.

399. Apparently, one of them pressed all the buttons on the elevator.

400. Well, maybe he just bumped up against the panel with that big white ass of his.

401. What now? Holt is going to kill you.

402. I don't think he will.

403. Because... Voila!

404. You actually found the corkscrew in the trash chute?

405. Stuck to the side, just like you said.

406. Boyle, I'm pulling you out!

407. Whoa!

408. This is the proudest moment of my career.

409. Ah!

410. Oh, my God. You guys, we out-vultured The Vulture.

411. What the hell was that?

412. What? It's a vulture.

413. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take this

414. corkscrew over to the DA, so we get the collar, not Major Crimes.

415. Peralta. Now.

416. Okay. Before you get mad...

417. Shut it. Holt was right. I've been so worried about my own kids,

418. I forgot about my stupid, grown-up kids.

419. Well, that's insulting.

420. I should have been on you guys more.

421. And starting now, I will be.

422. But if you ever do this again,

423. I swear I will crush your head in one hand.

424. You don't mean that. Try me.

425. Okay.

426. Where are you going?

427. Boss is taking heat for something that's not even his fault.

428. I can't let that happen.

429. Wait. Damn it. Look. It's not your fault, either.

430. And it's not The Vulture's fault.

431. It's Amy's.

432. I know. I know. It's mine. It's mine. Okay?

433. God, I do not love how this worked out.

434. Detective Pembroke.

435. God. Now what?

436. I'd like to cordially invite you to calm down.

437. Especially considering that this case has already been solved. By you.

438. Looks like you found the murder weapon.

439. It's a good thing you realized was magnetically stuck to the inside of the trash chute.

440. Congratulations.

441. Hmm. You cracked the case all by yourself. We done here?

442. Yeah. Yeah, we're done here.

443. Hey. Keep up the bad work, champ.

444. Here it comes.

445. Why does he keep touching my butt?

446. Stay foxy. Die lonely.

447. Well. Case closed. Good work, everyone.

448. Let's, uh, call it a night without any further discussion.

449. No. All of you broke into a crime scene under the influence of alcohol,

450. overstepped your jurisdiction, and disobeyed my direct orders.

451. Everyone involved tonight is going to get written up.

452. Okay, fine. Here's everyone who was there.

453. Jake Peralta, J. Peralta, Dr. Jacob Peralta,

454. who has a PhD in Slow Jam Studies from Funktown State University.

455. Also involved was the right honorable...

456. Okay, enough.

457. My point is, it was a Peralta special, sir.

458. No one else was there.

459. Well, Detective, I'm happy to see you're learning how to be part of a team.

460. Everybody, go home. Sleep it off.

461. And, sir? Thank you.

462. Ultimately, it was our raw sexual chemistry

463. that helped him overcome his crippling fear.

464. You should just stay in the office all day everyday and be my bestie.

465. You could join my dance troupe Floorgasm.

466. We're looking for a man of precisely your...

467. It's going to be a long road, but I'm ready to get myself back in the game.

468. I know you will.

469. I mean, eventually. Not tonight.

470. I need to go hug my baby girls. Excuse me.

471. Jake, I have to say, the way you handled things

472. with The Vulture yesterday was very mature.

473. Well, sometimes in life, you just have to take the highroad.

474. Whoo, time's up.

475. I can't wait to see it. Here we go.

476. That's good suction. Oh!

477. Ah!

478. Check it out. Perfect, right?

479. Yeah.

480. "Dear Vulture.

481. "Enjoy my big white ass. Jake."

482. There you are. Always take the highroad, Charles.

483. Always take the highroad.