Brooklyn Nine-Nine 1x21

1. Whoa, what's with the cast? I sprained my wrist.

2. Oh, no. What happened?

3. Don't worry about it. I'm fine.

4. Yeah. Jeez, Amy. Back off. Leave the guy alone.

5. All right, huddle up. Everybody. Bring it in. Bring it in.

6. So, he wouldn't say what happened, which can only mean one thing.

7. He's in a fight club.

8. No. He did it doing something he's embarrassed by.

9. Like smiling. Only question is, how do you hurt your arm smiling?

10. Could be a sports injury. I sprained my wrist in college playing field hockey.

11. Men's field hockey?

12. Yeah. It's much more violent than the women's game.

13. We're not allowed to wear anything that protects our breasts.

14. Attention, everyone.

15. I can hear you speculating about the nature and origin of my injury from my office.

16. I tripped over an uneven sidewalk.

17. I did not think it was relevant to your jobs.

18. The jobs which you should all be doing right now. Get to work.

19. Do you want to know how I actually hurt my wrist?

20. Yes. I was hula-hooping.

21. Kevin and I attend a class for fitness and for fun.

22. Oh, my God. I've mastered all the moves.

23. The pizza toss, the tornado, the scorpion, the oopsie-doodle.

24. Why are you telling me this?

25. Because no one will ever believe you.

26. No. No.

27. You sick son of a bitch.

28. Hey, hey. What has three thumbs and just made another arrest?

29. This guy!

30. It doesn't work if you don't put your thumb up.

31. Thank you.

32. Twenty-three solves in one month?

33. New precinct record. Yeah!

34. Thank you. Thanks.

35. Dance with me, Jakey.

36. Oh. No. And I will never dance to that song.

37. Way to go, Jakey!

38. Whoa!

39. Are those thumb tacks? What the hell, Scully?

40. I thought they'd make good confetti.

41. Why?

42. This took a lot of hard work and a lot of late nights.

43. Take the weekend off, Peralta.

44. Thank you. You know, I actually might.

45. I'm severely sleep deprived and I'm way behind on laundry.

46. Good work. Oh. That's nice.

47. Hey. What's with the bag?

48. Are you going on a cruise with your mom... in 1913?

49. This is a very stylish bag. No.

50. Teddy and I are going to the Berkshires for the weekend.

51. Oh, for, like, a police conference?

52. Nope. Just a romantic getaway.

53. Wow. That's great. I know.

54. We're kind of taking things to the next level.

55. What are you doing this weekend? Oh.

56. Opposite of the Berkshires.

57. "Workshires". Working. Whole weekend.

58. Fighting crime.

59. I thought you were taking the weekend off to do your laundry.

60. Does crime take the weekend off to do its laundry, Scully?

61. No, it doesn't. Sorry.

62. I know.

63. Can I call you back? Bye. What's up?

64. Looking for paper towels.

65. What are you doing in here?

66. Talking to Vivian. We're still trying to figure out whether

67. we should move to Canada. It's awful.

68. Thank God it hasn't affected how much we bathe together.

69. Almost never? All the time.

70. Thing is, it's so hard to talk at work, because there's no privacy.

71. The roof is freezing. The holding cell is full of perps.

72. And their romantic advice is not great.

73. It's always to tell Vivian, "Bitch, get your life right!"

74. I tried it. She did not like it.

75. Let me work on it.

76. Hands up, cop.

77. Oh, no, no! It's Teddy, your boyfriend.

78. Aw. Boyfriend.

79. Yeah. Can you release my arm?

80. Oh, yeah, sorry. Oh. Good one.

81. Thanks.

82. What are you doing here?

83. Oh, uh, I just wanted to see you before we left for the weekend.

84. Aw, that's so gross. What's this weekend?

85. We rented a cabin in the Berkshires. We're taking a couple's cooking class,

86. and there's this great antiques fair...

87. Sounds like you two have a wonderful lesbian vacation planned.

88. Now, my question is. Will you be back tomorrow afternoon?

89. Because that is when you promised Holt you'd help

90. with his community outreach meeting.

91. That's this weekend? I totally forgot.

92. How did I let the Captain talk me into that?

93. Excuse me, everyone. Would one of you be willing to...

94. Me. I'll do it.

95. I volunteer all my time.

96. Crap. What am I going to do?

97. Well, it's okay.

98. We can reschedule. I mean, we'll lose the deposit. But...

99. Or you could just lie to Captain Holt.

100. That's my policy for everything and it always works.

101. I'm not going to lie. I'll just tell the Captain I made a mistake

102. and he'll understand.

103. Okay. But if you do lie,

104. you can't go wrong with dental emergency or death of a triplet.

105. Now, that one you can use twice.

106. Smart.

107. Good news, Sergeant.

108. I figured out what we're going to work on this weekend.

109. I'm working on spending time with my family.

110. We're having a fancy tea party.

111. I am the king of origami napkins.

112. Wow, that's nice.

113. I thought you were taking the weekend off.

114. No, I decided to spend the weekend taking things to the next level.

115. Work-wise. I found a cold case of ours that everyone foolishly said was unsolvable.

116. Case 52ABX-32QJ.

117. Jake, Case 52ABX-32QJ is unsolvable.

118. Or maybe Case 52ABX-32QJ is waiting for someone to de-unsolve it.

119. What's Case 52ABX-32QJ?

120. Case 52ABX... We've got to find a way to abbreviate this thing.

121. Anyway, it's an old case that the Sarge and I worked about eight years ago.

122. This guy, Nate Dexter, was murdered in a boat explosion.

123. No witnesses, no leads, minimal evidence.

124. This case almost killed us.

125. Yeah, but I'm on a hot streak.

126. Plus, we're better detectives now.

127. We're smarter, computers are faster,

128. no more Blockbuster, drones...

129. I'm feeling it.

130. That was creepy. Yeah?

131. But convincing. Oh, he's standing up.

132. I've always wanted to solve that case.

133. And think about how good it would feel to finally do it.

134. What's the best moment of your life?

135. My wedding day, tied with the day my babies were born.

136. Compared to this, those memories will be garbage.

137. You don't know what you're saying.

138. Because I'm not married and I don't have kids? Right?

139. Okay. Here's what we know.

140. Nate Dexter was a small time crook who pissed someone off.

141. They blew up his boat with him still on it and left no evidence,

142. except this one charred finger and Nate's melted torso.

143. Man, I'm having déjà vu right now.

144. Whoever did it left no evidence,

145. except one charred finger and Nate's melted torso.

146. So, in other words, nothing's changed.

147. Except our attitudes.

148. So, we start at the last place that Dexter was seen before he went to the marina.

149. His apartment. I'm telling you, Sarge, I got a good feeling about this.

150. Oh, no! Well, it appears his building was torn down.

151. I know this seems like bad news, but on the plus side,

152. the harder the solve, the sweeter the solve.

153. No, it's just bad news.

154. You're bad news. What?

155. What? I'm just saying, you're bad news for bad guys.

156. 'Cause you're a number one cop.

157. The blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice. What?

158. What? Let's solve the case.

159. Hey, we need to tell Charles about Babylon.

160. He needs a private place to talk to Vivian. What? No.

161. Babylon is our secret place.

162. It's the best thing in my life,

163. and I have a very full life.

164. Do you know I know Papa John?

165. The Papa John. Someone is lying to you.

166. We can't tell Charles. He is incapable of keeping a secret.

167. I shouldn't tell you this, but we're throwing you a surprise party later.

168. Look. We tell Charles about Babylon,

169. or I shred your nap blanket into a million tiny rags.

170. No, I love Wolfie.

171. Fine. You win. Tell Charles.

172. Hold me close, little Wolfie. Hold me.

173. All right, convict. What do you know about the murder of Nate Dexter?

174. Look, I'll tell you the same thing...

175. I told you eight years ago.

176. I don't know anything about Nate Dexter.

177. And even if I did...

178. The best French toast I ever ate was with Mayor Lindsay's dog.

179. He's very old. He's lost his mind.

180. We're making progress.

181. Hello, Captain, my old friend. I've come to talk with you, again.

182. I've lapsed into song lyrics.

183. Santiago, can I help you?

184. I need to speak with you about this weekend.

185. Ah, yes. I'm so happy you'll be there to oversee the audio/visual presentation.

186. The last time did not go well.

187. The next chart shows the drop in the crime rate over the last month.

188. I just erased everything.

189. I'm so sorry, but I think I'm going to be unable to help out tomorrow.

190. Why is that?

191. Dental emergency. I'm getting my wisdom teeth pulled.

192. Wow, you must be in a lot of pain.

193. Yeah, I've been in pain for days.

194. I had no idea you were living like this.

195. No one knows. I am a rock.

196. I am an island. I have lapsed into song lyrics again. Okay.

197. That's all of them. What? What about Frank Williams?

198. He's in the infirmary. He was beat up pretty good. Lot of internal bleeding.

199. Awesome. I mean, not the internal bleeding thing. That sounds horrifying.

200. But I bet you we can get him to talk if we offer to move him from his current address

201. on Beatdown Boulevard.

202. That's a great idea. Looks like we got lucky.

203. Hey, side note. "Beatdown Boulevard". Good name for my debut hip-hop record.

204. Strongly disagree. Okay.

205. Will you just tell me where we're going? Guys? Guys.

206. Oh, my God, you're going to beat me up.

207. Welcome to Babylon.

208. It's our secret bathroom.

209. It's so beautiful.

210. There used to be a transit police squad down here.

211. This was the Captain's bathroom. I found it a while back.

212. She told me about it a year ago, when I got stomach flu from that sewer rave.

213. Fun night, though.

214. We've put a lot of effort into making this place nice.

215. Look.

216. Weird crystals.

217. Also, lavender scented candles, a zebra skin rug, and the toilet paper is...

218. Mmm. Triple ply.

219. Turns anyone's bottom into a VIP.

220. More importantly, it has great cell service.

221. We thought you could use this place to call Vivian when you need to.

222. But you have to promise not to tell anyone about this.

223. I pinky promise.

224. Hmm. Not good enough.

225. Blood pact. Ah!

226. All right, Frank, let's recap, shall we?

227. You slipped and fell. Onto a shiv.

228. Then, you got up and fell backwards. Onto another shiv.

229. And finally, one last shiv fell from the ceiling and into your body.

230. I'm going to go out on a limb here. I think you got shivved.

231. What do you guys want?

232. We want to make a deal.

233. You know anything about the murder of Nate Dexter?

234. Maybe.

235. What do I get if I do?

236. How about a transfer to another cell block?

237. One with fewer shivs.

238. Okay. I can't be sure,

239. but I think Dexter owed money to a guy named Sam Bunsen.

240. And that's a new lead.

241. First lead in eight years. You were right.

242. Oh, Beatdown Boulevard

243. It's the toughest street in town...

244. No. No.

245. And if you step to a Dexter crew

246. You're bound to get beat down

247. Oh, huh, huh, huh, huh

248. Santiago. How are your teeth feeling?

249. Oh. Dental emergency?

250. Yes, it just sort of happened.

251. It still hurts, but I can make it till tomorrow.

252. Well, if you're in this much pain, I don't think you should wait.

253. My brother-in-law is one of the top oral surgeons in the quint-state area.

254. That's two better than the tri-state area.

255. He's agreed to see you tonight at 6:00 as a personal favor to me and Kevin.

256. Wow. Tonight. Thank you, but that's not going to work.

257. Because of the anesthesia and driving myself home. Uh, I'll just go tomorrow.

258. Teddy can take me. Nonsense.

259. I'll drive you to and from the dentist office myself.

260. That's great. Just great.

261. He's a good dude.

262. He's a good, good dude.

263. Hey, Sarge. No sign of Sam Bunsen in the federal database. You got anything?

264. Bad news. I only found his wife, and she hasn't heard from him in eight years.

265. That doesn't sound good.

266. Yeah, that's why I started by saying, "Bad news."

267. Terry believes in having a clear topic sentence.

268. I bet Mrs. Bunsen is lying. She knows where her husband is.

269. I pushed pretty hard.

270. She said she's willing to take a lie detector test.

271. Well, then, let's bust out the polygraph.

272. Lie detector truth or dare.

273. No, Boyle, last time we did that, you ended up telling everyone you had a crush

274. on the tea-pot from Beauty and the Beast.

275. It's the way they drew her.

276. All right, Pretty Boy, where is it? Where's what?

277. The secret bathroom.

278. Secret what? Bathroom where?

279. Okay, Captain, I'll be right there.

280. Don't lie to us.

281. We've been watching you.

282. At 11:18 a.m., Rosa told you to follow her and you guys left together.

283. You returned at 11:31, smelling of lavender.

284. And you've been drinking chamomile tea all day long

285. and haven't been to the men's room once.

286. Since when are you two so into being good detectives?

287. Since it came to secret bathrooms.

288. Tell us where it is.

289. Now!

290. Okay. Please state your name one more time.

291. Are we really doing this again? It's, like, the fifth time.

292. That's a lie. It's only the fourth time.

293. No? Okay, my bad. Continue.

294. I'm Sophia Bunsen. I haven't talked to my husband in eight years.

295. This is Nate Dexter. He was friends with my husband. I didn't know he was dead.

296. You think my husband killed him, but I guarantee that's impossible.

297. Okay, good. But not good enough. Let's do it again.

298. Jake, what's going on with you? She passed the test, like, five times.

299. Or maybe she's in cahoots with him! Hmm? Are you two cahooting?

300. Are you cahooting?

301. Jake. It's over, man. We had a lead. Now, it's dead.

302. It happens. No.

303. If it's not her and it's not him...

304. Which I'm still not convinced of, by the way.

305. Then it's got to be the machine.

306. Strap me in, Sergeant. I'm taking this thing for a test drive of truth.

307. Thanks for taking us, Martin.

308. Please, Ray, we're family.

309. Neither of us can understand you at all.

310. The visual examination doesn't show much inflammation.

311. But these x-rays should be more telling.

312. Let's see what's beneath the surface.

313. Don't! Stop!

314. Santiago.

315. I... Oh, God.

316. I forgot I promised to help you and I made plans to go to Berkshires with my boyfriend.

317. Oh. Wait.

318. So, you lied to me to get out of work?

319. Yes. I may be a liar, but I've got great teeth.

320. And no one can take that from me.

321. Have you heard of over-brushing?

322. Oh, no.

323. Your aggressive technique has stripped away the protective enamel and much of your gum.

324. You have seven cavities.

325. I have to say... I feel like you deserve this.

326. Charles, what the hell is wrong with you? You told Hitchcock and Scully?

327. No. What?

328. Yep. This is happening.

329. They were scary. It was like that moment in Planet of the Apes when the monkey talked.

330. Look, I'm sorry. You let me into your special place. Ew.

331. I messed up, and I'll fix it.

332. That's okay, Charles. You don't have to.

333. No. It's not okay. Babylon hath fallen.

334. Charles betrayed us, and I will make him pay for it.

335. Gina, enough. Boyle needed the bathroom, so we told him about it.

336. Just like I told you, when you needed it.

337. Leave him alone. He saved my life.

338. Plus, he's pitiful and his life is crap right now.

339. Yeah, it is.

340. Thank you, Rosa.

341. I'm telling you, this machine is broken. Ask me a question.

342. Is Jay-Z really your favorite artist?

343. Yes, obviously.

344. Lie. See? It's busted.

345. Is it? Or is your favorite artist really Taylor Swift?

346. No.

347. Lie.

348. All right, fine, she is.

349. She makes me feel things.

350. She makes all of us feel things!

351. Look, that machine is working just fine.

352. Why are you being so crazy about this case?

353. I wanted to work the toughest case we had. Why?

354. Because it would feel awesome to solve it.

355. Because a real man doesn't run from a challenge.

356. I mean, do they run from the bulls in Pamplona?

357. Yeah. That's the whole point of it.

358. Seriously? That seems lame.

359. I don't know why you want to spend the entire weekend at work,

360. but I'm going home to my family.

361. See you tomorrow, Jake.

362. Fine, abandon me. I don't want you here, anyway.

363. That's a lie. Come on, man.

364. I got here an hour early. This better be good.

365. Mmm. Holy Moses. What happened to you?

366. I have not slept in since I last saw you many hours.

367. Plus, I think I'm hallucinating, because

368. I'm pretty sure I just heard your biceps mocking me.

369. No, that's possible. My biceps mock a lot of people.

370. Mmm. Good to know.

371. So, I re-watched the interrogation. And get this.

372. Sophia wasn't lying about anything. She doesn't know who killed Nate Dexter.

373. But she does know something way better. Come with me.

374. Jake. Hmm?

375. People normally move after they say that.

376. Oh, yeah, I fell asleep for a second. Sorry. Come with me.

377. Okay. Ah! Are ya'll ready for this? You know what I'm saying?

378. Terry Jeffords, allow me to introduce to you, our murder victim,

379. the not-dead Nate Dexter.

380. What the hell is going on?

381. Poof. Right?

382. Sophia wasn't lying. I was just not asking the right questions.

383. She hadn't seen her husband in eight years,

384. but she was positive there was no way that he killed Dexter.

385. That's when it occurred to me. No one killed him.

386. Hey, Nate. Just talking about how you're alive.

387. Yeah. I'm alive.

388. But whose melted torso did we find?

389. Sophia's husband. Yes!

390. Sophia and Dexter were having an affair.

391. Husband found out, Nate killed him.

392. Now, I'm telling my friend about how you killed that guy.

393. It was for love.

394. Cool motive. Still a murder.

395. Also, you remember that severed finger? Check this out.

396. Hey, Nate, show us your hands, please.

397. Oh-ho! Right?

398. Cut it off himself. How screwed up is that?

399. Anyway, I asked all my CI's if they had dealings with a nine-fingered man.

400. Unsolvable case, solved.

401. Whoo!

402. What did you want to talk to us about?

403. Well, I got Hitchcock and Scully to promise never to use our bathroom again.

404. How did you do that? The Donald and I call it "The Art of the Deal".

405. You want your bathroom back? Fine. I want your chair. Mine smells like my butt.

406. Ew. Fine.

407. And we want your coyote blanket.

408. It's not a coyote. It's a wolf. Learn your animals, idiot.

409. Told you she wasn't serious. Let's go, Scully.

410. Fine.

411. I can't believe you gave up Wolfie. It was worth it.

412. Plus, I'm done with wolves now.

413. I'm into angry unicorns.

414. If I was a unicorn, I'd never be angry.

415. Jake. Nice job on the case. Great solve. Thanks.

416. Aren't you supposed to be in the Berkshires?

417. I had a dental thing.

418. But you're such a good brusher.

419. I know!

420. Turns out that was my undoing. Classic.

421. Yeah. Hey, you remember Teddy.

422. Oh, yeah. Hey, man. How are you? Great solve.

423. Can I buy you a pilsner? They have awesome pilsners here.

424. Teddy's really into pilsners.

425. Cool.

426. Attention! Everyone, raise your glasses to the amazing Jake Peralta.

427. Today, he did the impossible. He closed Case 52ABX-32QJ.

428. Speech! Speech! Speech!

429. Look, the real hero here is the murderer.

430. Because without him, there wouldn't be a case.

431. So, here's to Nate Dexter, the murderer.

432. Captain, I want to apologize for lying.

433. Thank you.

434. Next time just talk to me.

435. Okay.

436. Now, I know this comes on the heels of betraying you,

437. but can I have next weekend off to go to that cabin in the Berkshires with Teddy?

438. Okay. Oh, thank you, sir.

439. I still can't feel my mouth. Did a little bit dribble out?

440. What's going on with you?

441. For the past two days, you've been telling me how amazing it was going to be

442. to solve this case.

443. This does not look amazing.

444. I don't know, man.

445. I thought I'd be more psyched, too.

446. Maybe I just need a cooler case.

447. No. That is not going to work.

448. You set the precinct record, you weren't happy.

449. You solved an unsolvable case, you weren't happy.

450. No case is going to make you happy.

451. Something's bothering you.

452. And whatever it is, you've got to deal with it.

453. Yeah. Well, maybe I can't deal with it right now, or you know, whatever.

454. Ooh. That's a tough one.

455. Yeah.

456. But solving more cases isn't going to make you feel any better.

457. Having a drink with a friend might, though.

458. Thank you, but I don't think another drink

459. is going to help.

460. I think having a lot more drinks might help.

461. Ah! There he is!

462. So... Amy, huh?

463. We're going to need some shots.

464. What a man, what a man What a man

465. What a mighty good man...

466. Everybody, comes around!

467. What a man, what a man What a man

468. What a mighty good man

469. I hate myself right now.