1. All right, gang. Diet day four.
How's everyone holding up?
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2. Honestly, I'm going
to last forever.
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3. You hear that, bitches?
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4. I'm going
to last forever...
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5. I'm doing great.
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6. This morning, the homeless guy on
my stoop said my skin looked dope.
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7. What's going on?
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8. Why do you all
have matching bags?
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9. We're doing a diet together.
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10. My wife found it.
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11. She heard about it at
mommy and me graphic design.
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12. Wait, it might have
been toddler karate.
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13. She takes our little ladies to
so many classes, I can't keep it straight.
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14. Childhood is truly
a time of wonder.
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15. This diet
is very scientific, sir.
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16. All the meals are pre-planned
and delivered to your doorstep.
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17. This is our breakfast.
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18. An orange wedge,
three cashew nuts, and a solitary grape.
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19. It's actually more
than you realize.
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20. Sometimes, I can't even
finish all the grape.
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21. Well, this seems unnecessary
to me. You're all in perfect shape.
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22. You can always
be healthier, sir.
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23. And I like the challenge.
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24. Plus, it's good team building.
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25. We're going to get
through this together.
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26. Hey, guys, pro-tip.
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27. Lick the baggy. There's
food molecules in there.
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28. Oh!
That's so smart.
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29. Mmm...
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30. What are you doing here?
Isn't it your day off?
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31. Yes, stalker,
it is my day off.
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32. But I'm here to meet Charles.
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33. Did you hear what
he did last night?
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34. Drink it, Jake. Drink it.
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35. What's up your tiny sleeve?
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36. Mmm...
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37. Why is there
a bow tie in here?
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38. Wait a minute.
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39. Jake Peralta, will
you be my best man?
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40. Yes. Yes!
A thousand times yes!
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41. Wow. Best man.
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42. So, are you going to set
up shop in a strip club?
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43. What kind of shop
would I set up?
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44. Hand sanitizer.
I would sell hand sanitizer.
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45. And no...
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46. I was hoping that my best man
duties would be all whiskey and cigars,
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47. but this is Charles
we're talking about.
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48. So, we've got two straight
days of wedding planning.
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49. Plus, he gave me this to prep.
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50. Fancy Brudgom.
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51. It means fancy
groom in Danish.
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52. According to Charles, the Danes throw
the most beautiful weddings in the world.
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53. And the most violent funerals.
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54. This does not look like
something you'd be into.
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55. Normally, yes. But I am now
Charles' forlover, best man, Danish.
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56. So, it is my duty
to support him no matter
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57. what weird, crazy,
Charles-y ideas he has.
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58. Let's do this.
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59. There he is. My groom!
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60. Hello, my big, beautiful BM.
Best man.
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61. Just best man is fine.
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62. I hope you rested. We're
going to be on our feet all day.
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63. I am totally prepared. I even
bought some nurse shoes.
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64. Love them.
Mmm-hmm.
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65. Let me grab this.
And grab this.
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66. Let me grab this. First stop,
kagesmagning! Grab me! You!
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67. Cake tasting!
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68. Wow.
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69. You wanted to see me, sir?
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70. I understand you stopped by the
patrol officers' morning briefing?
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71. Yeah. Officer Deetmore helped
me out with my crime scene,
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72. so I gave him a little
thank you present.
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73. Hey, Deetmore.
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74. If you're going to bag
evidence like a five-year-old,
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75. you should have
the proper tools.
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76. It's a "My First Police Kit."
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77. The walkie-talkie
blows bubbles.
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78. Hope you can handle it.
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79. He mislabeled the
weapon like an idiot,
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80. and it almost got
filed with the wrong case.
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81. He could have
blown months of work.
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82. You humiliated Officer
Deetmore in front of his peers.
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83. He submitted an official
complaint against you.
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84. Did he fill it out in crayon?
No.
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85. But he did use a green
pen which seems crazy to me.
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86. The good news is,
if you go down there and apologize,
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87. he'll let the whole thing go.
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88. Fine, I'm great at apologizing.
I'm a very sweet person.
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89. Out of my way, chunk.
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90. Ooh.
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91. Jake, I've got to tell you. The engaged
life is amazing, especially sexually.
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92. Well, I don't want to pry.
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93. You're not prying. I
want you to know this. No.
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94. Vivian and I have a wonderful intercourse
itinerary that we have planned.
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95. Oh, I'm usually more of a chocolate guy,
but this one's closer.
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96. So, I'm going to do that.
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97. Ah! Hot! Hot!
Spicy cake, why?
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98. That's habanero pepper frosting,
because our marriage is going to sizzle!
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99. Unless you think
it's a bad idea.
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100. No. It sounds like
a great idea, Oprah.
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101. Two. One.
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102. Okay, be kind. I don't have
a model's body like you.
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103. Come on. Show me what you got.
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104. Fred Astaire. Gene Kelly.
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105. Liberace. Diane Keaton.
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106. Roger that.
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107. God.
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108. Okay, Charles.
You're not Scottish.
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109. Yeah. Get back in there,
Braveheart.
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110. Summer linen suit,
casual but classic.
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111. Actually not bad.
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112. One question, can
you see my underwear?
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113. Oh, thong!
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114. Why are you
wearing a thong?
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115. It's my something borrowed.
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116. Get back in there.
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117. Yes!
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118. Lunch time! Wait's over.
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119. That was easy.
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120. Totally, I feel like we just had our
snack an hour and 17 minutes ago.
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121. I never got into diets.
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122. Though I did take
diet pills in the '70s.
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123. I love these pills.
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124. They give me so much energy
and I can eat whatever I want.
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125. Oh, god.
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126. He's dead!
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127. Actually, I was in a coma.
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128. When I woke up,
I had so much mail.
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129. Weight loss science has
come a long way since then.
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130. Ingredients, carrot,
got to respect that.
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131. Ugh.
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132. Damn, Gina!
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133. What is that?
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134. Oh, it's a Sloppy Jessica,
mac and cheese chili pizza on a bun.
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135. It's everything I've wanted
to eat for the last 48 hours.
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136. Mmm-mm.
What happened?
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137. I thought you were going
to "Last forever, bitches."
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138. Turns out, I gave up easy.
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139. You hear that, bitches?
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140. I gave up so easy!
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141. Thank you.
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142. Hey, you sure it's a good idea to eat all
this shawarma right before your tux fitting?
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143. Oh, yeah. I'm not going to be one
of those grooms who doesn't eat.
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144. Mmm-hmm.
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145. Hey, thanks for being
so supportive all day.
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146. Best man. Whatever you need,
I will do.
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147. Actually, there is one thing.
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148. Do you have a pen I can
borrow to sign these forms?
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149. You bet I don't
have a pen. I never do.
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150. But I will get you one.
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151. What is it, some sort of
marriage license thingie?
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152. Oh, no, it's my
retirement paperwork.
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153. What? Shut up. What?
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154. Yeah. Vivian got
a job in suburban Ottawa.
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155. She wants me to retire from
the NYPD and go with her.
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156. Retire? Boyle, we're supposed
to die on the force together.
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157. Me in a big explosion and you committing
suicide at my funeral out of respect.
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158. I know.
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159. But Vivian needs to make
this move for her career.
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160. And I'm excited to go. I mean,
suburban Ottawa's great.
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161. It has everything
Brooklyn does.
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162. Really?
Yes.
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163. Other than my job and my
friends and my family, you,
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164. interesting people, museums, restaurants,
and every other reason that I have to live.
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165. Okay, I'm kind of picking
up on a couple of clues
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166. that you maybe don't
want to retire in Canada.
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167. Oh, my god. Jake, you're
such an amazing detective.
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168. I don't want to go.
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169. Okay, Boyle.
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170. Let's strategize on how you're going to tell
Vivian that you don't want to move to Canada.
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171. No. Jake, I'm not going
to say anything. Just drop it.
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172. We have the perfect
relationship. We've never fought.
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173. I don't want
to mess up and ruin it.
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174. She's my everything. Move
your testicles to the left.
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175. 10-four.
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176. She's your fiancée. You
can't be scared to talk to her.
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177. Testicles to the right.
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178. You know, can we actually cool
it on the testicles for a minute?
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179. No. I'm on the testicle part.
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180. Honestly, Jake,
I wouldn't even know how to bring it up.
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181. What if it goes badly?
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182. It won't. Just tell her how
you feel. Say something like,
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183. "Vivian, I love you, but we
need to talk about Ottawa."
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184. Right, and then, she'll say,
"You're a selfish man-pig
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185. "and I hope you die alone,
and I never loved you."
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186. Oh, god, she never loved me.
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187. She's not going to say any of that,
because she's not criminally insane.
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188. Okay, just calm down. We'll
think of something together.
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189. We're going to the
stationery store next.
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190. We can write a bunch of stuff
down. It's going to be all right.
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191. Take a deep breath.
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192. No deep breaths.
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193. Makes the testicles clap.
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194. Mmm.
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195. Detective Diaz, how is your
apology to Officer Deetmore coming?
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196. I've been working
on a letter to send him.
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197. Yes, I saw a draft
of it on your desk.
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198. What did you think?
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199. It was so horrifying,
I had to destroy the whole pad.
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200. Just go downstairs
and apologize.
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201. Fine, I'll say, "I'm sorry."
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202. No, be sincere.
Like this. I'm sorry.
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203. I'm sorry.
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204. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
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205. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
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206. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
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207. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
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208. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
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209. Good, that's the one.
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210. Still working on that
afternoon almond?
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211. Yeah, I've been sucking
on it so long, it's smooth.
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212. It's like sea glass.
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213. You do you.
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214. I'll get that for you, Ames.
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215. Oops.
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216. Butter feet.
Sorry about that.
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217. Sorry?
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218. You bumbling son of a bitch.
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219. You just ruined my life!
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220. I hope you get hit by a truck and
a dog takes a dump on your face!
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221. Ain't nothing to see here.
Just a little hypoglycemic rage.
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222. Move along.
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223. I'm so sorry, Hitchcock.
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224. That's not me.
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225. I'm never like that.
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226. That's okay. It's my fault. I
shouldn't have bumped your cashew.
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227. Cashew? It was
an almond, you idiot!
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228. I hope you drown in a tub!
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229. I hope you have aneurysm
after aneurysm after aneurysm!
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230. Okay, buddy, we have got
some great opening lines here.
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231. Three very reasonable explanations as
to why you don't want to go to Canada.
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232. And four very attractive options
for your invitation card stock.
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233. Well, I like
romantic opening C.
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234. Uh, this page about
how my life is New York.
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235. And I love the Chantilly
Ecru paper for place cards.
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236. That is an excellent choice.
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237. Those are all
excellent choices.
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238. You can do this. You're a
smart and wonderful man.
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239. With fantastic handwriting.
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240. Sure. With fantastic
handwriting.
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241. Do you really think so?
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242. Yeah, I think that you could
be a professional calligrapher.
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243. Charles,
a professional calligrapher.
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244. You can do anything. Including,
but not limited to, talking to Vivian.
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245. Right. Right. Right.
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246. Look, I know
it's going to be hard.
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247. And she might
even get mad at you.
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248. But I promise you'll be back to doing
weird sex stuff together in no time.
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249. All right, all right.
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250. I'm going to go talk to Vivi.
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251. Great idea buddy.
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252. Ah?
Yep.
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253. Yeah.
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254. So, who's going to pay for
the paper? It's going to be $250.
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255. Her name is Amy Santiago.
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256. Lick, lick, lick.
It's an ice cream cone.
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257. You can't tempt me, traitor.
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258. Not when I got this big, juicy
cantaloupe wedge to keep me company.
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259. It's so thin
I can see through it.
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260. Santiago! Come hold this so it
looks bigger in your tiny hand.
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261. Oh, Amy left the
building 20 minutes ago.
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262. That doesn't make sense.
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263. Santiago loves
cantaloupe time.
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264. We wrote a song about it.
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265. Cantaloupe. Cantaloupe.
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266. It's just nonsense without
her singing the high parts.
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267. Where is she?
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268. Amy, where are you?
It's cantaloupe time.
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269. Santiago!
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270. Stop! It's not too late.
I failed, Sarge.
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271. This is my second burger.
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272. Okay, I lied. It's my fourth.
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273. You both betrayed me.
That's okay.
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274. I can do this all on my
own. I don't need you.
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275. I can even sing
the high parts.
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276. Cantaloupe.
Yes, I can...
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277. Cantaloupe.
Yes, I can...
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278. Traitors.
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279. Officer Deetmore.
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280. I came down
here to say I'm sorry.
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281. Oh, good. Go ahead.
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282. No,
that was it. I did it. I said I'm sorry.
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283. Hey, I said it again.
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284. Now, I've got one in the bank,
so I can do whatever I want to.
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285. What are you
even sorry for?
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286. Come on, man. I said the
words. I paused afterwards.
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287. I even averted my gaze to
make you feel like the alpha.
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288. Yeah, but you didn't mean it.
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289. I'd like you to apologize
like you mean it.
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290. Fine.
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291. I'm sorry you
screwed up my case.
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292. I'm sorry you're
a terrible cop.
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293. I'm sorry for your goat face and your
rodent brain and your weird goose body.
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294. I meant all of that.
Hope you feel better.
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295. Hey.
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296. So, how did it go
with Vivian last night?
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297. Great, it went so great.
I went to her apartment,
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298. I sat down face to face,
then I panicked and totally bailed.
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299. Oh, no.
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300. But the good news is, she's on her way here
and you're going to talk to her for me.
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301. Oh, no.
Just tell her I absolutely
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302. shouldn't retire
and move to Canada.
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303. But don't tell her
I think that. Hi!
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304. Hi, Vivian.
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305. Hi, Jake.
Vivian!
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306. Jake, you're so sweet. Charles told me
you insisted that I come to breakfast.
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307. Because of it being
such an important one.
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308. Meal, I mean.
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309. You know that,
in ancient Egypt,
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310. the peasants drank
beer for breakfast?
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311. Well, that explains why all
their buildings were crooked.
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312. Charles, can I see you
in the bathroom for a second?
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313. Got a mole on my back
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314. that needs a looking-at,
and Charles has eyes.
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315. I do.
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316. All right, so,
let's see that mole.
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317. What? Get off of me.
That was a fake excuse.
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318. Of course, totally.
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319. Look, I can't talk to Vivian
for you. This is crazy.
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320. I tried talking
to her just like we practiced.
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321. But every time I bring up Ottawa, she
says how excited she is about our future.
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322. Then, we made love.
Don't say made love.
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323. Fine, we had wonder-sex.
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324. Don't want
to know what that is.
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325. I don't want to move to
Canada, but I can't lose her.
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326. You're my best man.
Please help me.
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327. Fine, I'll try.
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328. Okay, but bring
it up naturally.
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329. So she doesn't
think I put you up to it.
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330. Sure. How hard could that be? I'm
constantly talking about suburban Ottawa.
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331. No, wait don't go.
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332. I still have to pee.
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333. Why would I stay for that?
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334. Is it cool if I just stare at your
croissants for a little while?
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335. Sarge, you need
to stop this diet.
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336. Amy and I folded. You won.
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337. It's not a competition.
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338. We were on the same team
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339. until you deserted me
for Team Eating Food.
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340. Was that a good burn?
I'm too hungry to tell.
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341. It was a great burn, sir. Now,
please eat. You look weak.
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342. I'm fine.
I am stronger than ever.
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343. Watch this.
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344. Sarge, what are you doing?
No, no, no, no!
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345. See? I'm fine.
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346. What is happening?
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347. Just a tummy gurgle!
Diet messed up my system!
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348. Oh, no.
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349. Go back inside!
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350. Are you talking
to us or the fart?
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351. So, Vivian, do you
ever go watch hockey?
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352. No, I'm not
one for sports.
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353. Of course you're not.
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354. My graduate student told me
the craziest story about her family.
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355. It's hilarious.
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356. Hey, can you pass
me the maple syrup, please?
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357. Speaking of... Where does the
best maple syrup come from again?
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358. Vermont.
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359. Oh, and Canada.
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360. Canada? Hey, that reminds me.
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361. Weren't the two of you talking
about maybe moving there?
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362. Oh, yeah. We are so excited to start
this new chapter of our lives together.
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363. Yeah, well,
although I have to say,
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364. as someone who's read many of
the older chapters in Charles' life,
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365. I wonder if that's
the best thing for him.
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366. It's so sweet
of you to care, but...
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367. Chuck is excited about
moving to Canada. Right, baby?
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368. Mmm, mouth full. I love you.
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369. But what about his job and all of his
friends and his Brooklyn based pizza blog?
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370. Do they even have
pizza in Canada?
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371. Yes. It's puffier
and it's sweet.
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372. It's called
Manitoba Sauce Cake.
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373. Okay, there's no way
Charles wants that.
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374. Jake, I think you're
overstepping here.
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375. Charles and I both
want to move to Canada.
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376. Is that true, Charles?
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377. Is that what you want?
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378. Uh, yeah, I want to retire from the
force and move to Ottawa with Vivian.
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379. And frankly, I have no idea
why you're getting involved.
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380. And no one asked for
your stupid opinion!
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381. Vivi, we're leaving.
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382. What?
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383. Detective Diaz.
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384. I gather that, once again, things
did not go well with Officer Deetmore.
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385. All due respect, sir,
it's how I was trained.
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386. You mess up,
you get made fun of.
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387. It's like a scientist zapping a rat
when he messes up in the maze.
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388. Oh, I get it.
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389. When I was a young officer,
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390. I was that rat
and got zapped.
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391. And all I wanted was to be Captain
and throw some lightning bolts.
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392. Emperor Palpatine.
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393. I do not know who that is.
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394. But a real leader doesn't zap
people when they mess up.
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395. They teach them
how to fix the problem.
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396. I think you're a leader.
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397. So act like one.
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398. I'll try.
I'm sorry.
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399. Please, Diaz.
No need to make a scene.
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400. I can't believe he's
moving to Canada.
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401. I know. And I tried to help him,
and he fully threw me under the bus.
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402. So, I quit as best man.
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403. Jake.
What? I did everything right.
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404. I was loyal. I put up
with all his dumb ideas.
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405. His spicy cake, his
champagne made out of olives,
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406. reading his vows
as a recipe.
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407. One teaspoon eternal love.
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408. A dash of peeing
with the door open.
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409. Okay, that's hard to hear.
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410. Yeah.
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411. I just don't understand
why he's being so weird.
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412. I can't believe he
would turn on me like this.
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413. He's not being himself.
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414. Maybe because he's facing a terrible
decision and he doesn't know what to do.
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415. Yeah, that sounds right.
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416. I think he needs
his farm lover.
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417. It's pronounced forlover. I don't
have time to teach you Danish.
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418. I've got to go help Charles.
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419. I'll find out where he is and
text you. That would be helpful!
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420. Charles, get in the car.
No. Go to heck.
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421. Don't siren me. You quit on me
as best man. I'm not talking to you.
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422. Police, stop walking.
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423. Oh, I hate that
I'm so by the book.
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424. Listen, Boyle,
you're not handing in those
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425. retirement papers without
telling Vivian how you feel.
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426. I won't let you.
Oh, really?
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427. And how are you
going to stop me?
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428. Baton to the knee.
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429. Baton to the knee.
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430. Ahhh! Oh!
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431. Hey, Deetmore.
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432. I'm sorry for making fun
of you in front of everybody.
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433. And also for making
fun of you behind your back.
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434. Didn't know you did that,
but thank you for the apology.
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435. I'm not done. Also, I'm sorry for
making fun of you during my book club.
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436. Those people don't even
know you. That was uncool.
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437. Also, I'm sorry I...
It's okay.
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438. I get it.
No.
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439. Also, I'm sorry that I didn't take the
time to show you how to fix your mistake.
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440. Come on.
We can go over it upstairs.
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441. Thanks.
That would be great.
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442. Oh, one more sorry.
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443. You're about to see a drawing
I did of you in the elevator.
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444. Just remember,
I was really pissed at you at the time.
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445. I'm un-quitting
as your best man.
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446. Oh, how kind of you.
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447. Are you also taking
me to the knee hospital?
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448. Your knee is fine.
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449. Besides, you had it coming for
throwing me under the bus like that.
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450. I'm sorry.
I was terrible to you.
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451. It's just, I don't
know what to do.
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452. I know. It's tough.
But I'm here to support you.
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453. And not just in your weird,
awful wedding decisions.
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454. Awful? Uh-oh.
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455. Did I just plan the
worst wedding in history?
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456. Second worst. Red Wedding,
Game of Thrones.
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457. And no, your wedding is going to be
incredible because it's exactly what you want.
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458. What you don't want
is to go to Canada.
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459. So, I don't care how many
busses you throw me under,
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460. I'm making you talk to Vivian.
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461. Okay, thanks.
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462. You're right.
And you know what? I'm ready.
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463. No, I'm not.
I'm running away.
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464. Boyle, no!
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465. I'm not ready. I'm not
ready. I'm not ready.
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466. Hey, superstar.
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467. Why the long fart?
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468. I meant face.
Why the long face?
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469. Keep walking, Linetti.
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470. Okay. But this
shake is really good.
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471. Listen. Shh, shh, listen.
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472. That's it. I give up.
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473. Why do you care
so much about this diet?
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474. Just stop.
You're in perfect shape.
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475. Mmm. Amen.
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476. I'm not doing it for me.
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477. My wife is on the diet.
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478. She's a little self-conscious about
her body since giving birth to twins.
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479. It's crazy.
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480. I think she looks perfect
and I tell her that all the time.
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481. Mmm, and I love
that you do that, Terry.
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482. She's running around after those girls
all day, and I'm not there to help out.
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483. This was one thing
I thought I could do with her.
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484. But I'm too weak.
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485. Just hand me that milkshake.
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486. Okay.
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487. Hey, hey, what
are you doing? What?
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488. Thank you.
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489. We are still a team.
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490. And we will keep you from
eating so you can support your wife.
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491. Thank you, team.
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492. However, just to be clear,
Gina and I are still going to eat.
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493. I'm eating right now,
Terry. Corn dog.
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494. Come on. There we go.
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495. You got this. All right?
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496. Ah! Hello, Vivian. Charles
has something he'd like to say.
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497. In case he tries to flee.
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498. Vivian.
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499. We need to talk
about Ottawa.
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500. Jake.
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501. Oh.
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502. Hey.
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503. How did it go?
Everything okay?
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504. Vivian and I talked for hours.
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505. There's a lot more
to discuss, but it's a start.
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506. You were right,
she didn't dump me.
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507. You did good.
I know you were scared.
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508. Hey.
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509. Your duties as best
man aren't over yet.
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510. What? Whiskey and cigars.
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511. Mmm-hmm.
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512. Thanks for being
the best best man.
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513. To the Fancy Brudgom.
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514. Hot! Hot! Spicy!
Why is that spicy?
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