1. Ah. Captain.
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2. You're at my desk.
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3. Just what I want to see
first thing in the morning.
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4. You're three minutes
late, Peralta.
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5. Not my fault.
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6. I had a plumbing problem.
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7. Which reminds me, I'm going to need
a new, departmentally-issued phone.
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8. Oh, come on. Really?
I'm a few minutes late,
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9. so you're going to call me
out in front of everyone?
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10. Good idea.
Everyone?
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11. Gather around so I can call
out Peralta in front of you.
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12. Okay. Fine.
I was three minutes late.
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13. I'm sorry for doing
one thing wrong.
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14. Oh,
it's more than one thing. Uh-oh.
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15. Let's start with
the Kristov murder.
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16. It was an amazing solve. I got
him to confess in 20 minutes.
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17. You also mislabeled
the evidence.
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18. So that confession is worthless if the
sergeant hadn't caught your mistake.
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19. Here are three cases
with sloppy paperwork.
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20. Here are two pictures.
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21. One is your locker. The other is a
garbage dump in the Philippines.
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22. Can you tell
which is which?
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23. That one's the dump?
They're both your locker.
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24. Ah,
I should have guessed that. He's good.
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25. This folder is labeled,
"Undies, dirty."
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26. So I won't confuse it
with "Undies, clean."
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27. Also, who cares
about all these rules?
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28. I have more felony arrests
than any other detective here.
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29. You also have more mice living in
your desk than any other detective.
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30. Algernon!
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31. You guys, Algernon's back!
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32. Get rid of the mouse,
and get your act together. Now.
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33. He's grumpy.
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34. Okay,
Detectives. Let's get started.
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35. Santiago.
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36. Where are we with the
Jay Street drug bust?
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37. There are 12 keys of
coke unaccounted for,
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38. but we just got a warrant to
search the dealer's apartment.
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39. Good. Take Boyle and Diaz.
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40. Dream team.
Peralta.
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41. Brief us on the
vandalism case.
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42. Well, there's no easy
way to put this, Sarge.
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43. But someone has been painting
wieners on squad cars.
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44. And apparently,
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45. they won't stop until there's a penis
drawn on every cop car in Brooklyn.
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46. Oh, that's what
he's been drawing.
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47. But, what are those two little
round things at the bottom?
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48. It's a butt.
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49. The butt?
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50. I assume you have a plan
to catch this gentleman.
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51. Did you just say
"genital-man"?
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52. Because, if so, kudos.
And, yes, I have a plan.
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53. I'm going to plant a
decoy squad car as bait.
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54. Meanwhile, I'll be waiting
in an undercover vehicle here.
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55. He's already tagged
three UC vehicles.
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56. He can clearly spot 'em.
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57. You should take my minivan.
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58. A minivan?
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59. You all got a problem
with my minivan?
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60. Because my wife
doesn't like it either.
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61. She wanted an SUV,
but those things roll, man.
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62. They roll.
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63. It's a good idea, Sergeant.
We'll take the van.
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64. We?
You're coming with me?
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65. Sir, with all due respect,
I don't need backup.
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66. It's not backup.
It's babysitting.
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67. Babysitting.
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68. Oh. Look at this.
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69. The drug dealer got a BA in
Art History from Brooklyn College.
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70. Interesting, huh?
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71. How is that interesting?
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72. Well, it's surprising, because
you would think he had studied...
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73. drugs.
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74. I studied art history, too.
Also not interesting.
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75. Excuse me.
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76. I know I'm just a lowly
civilian administrator,
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77. but I couldn't
help overhearing
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78. you're looking for
some missing drugs?
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79. As it turns out,
my friend here,
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80. Carlene,
is a psychic.
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81. And she's ready
to help you.
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82. I do palms, tarot,
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83. and I have a degree in
Numerology from the internet.
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84. Ugh.
Really, Gina, a psychic?
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85. What?
She's the real deal.
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86. E.g., last week,
she predicted
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87. I would have a
sensuous encounter
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88. with a guy named Mark.
And I did.
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89. Is anyone here named Mark?
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90. You're good.
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91. Okay? She has had visions which,
frankly, science cannot account for.
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92. Also, she can get you amazing
deals on ladies' footwear.
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93. She's Assistant Manager
at Leonard's Designer Shoes.
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94. Vision!
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95. The drugs are
in a location.
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96. I see the color blue.
She sees blue.
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97. And yellow.
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98. And I see the letter "L."
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99. R-S-T-W-E.
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100. And "B."
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101. So, basically, everyone's first
eight guesses in Hangman?
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102. Thank you,
Carlene. Your entire life is garbage.
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103. So, Holt's coming
on my stakeout now?
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104. I made a mix tape with
some very explicit rap on it,
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105. and now,
I can't sing along.
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106. You made a mix tape? Yes,
I still listen to cassettes.
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107. This guy is all over me.
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108. I mean, a captain on a minor
vandalism case? It's insane.
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109. What's insane is how you
refuse to get with the program.
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110. There is a new sheriff
in town, Jake.
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111. Well, I like the old sheriff.
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112. I mean, McGintley wouldn't
care about a messy desk,
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113. or all these stupid rules.
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114. Tase!
Tase! Tase! Hey!
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115. What the hell's
going on here?
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116. Science experiment.
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117. I want to see what happens
if I taser this cantaloupe.
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118. Okay.
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119. Tase! Tase!
Tase!
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120. Ah!
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121. Yeah!
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122. And McGintley wouldn't care
if I was three minutes late
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123. because he was
always an hour late.
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124. And hungover.
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125. And he would let you do literally anything
you want if you gave him a hamburger.
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126. He let you play
your mix tape?
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127. Okay.
That's very funny.
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128. Get a iPod, man.
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129. Mix tape.
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130. I just want to apologize for
my fellow detectives' behavior.
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131. Okay, my granny also had...
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132. The gift.
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133. I feel that I
will die soon.
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134. She was right.
She died two years later.
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135. Your sincere belief in my
gift means a great deal.
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136. Vision.
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137. The woman you love,
the one you work with,
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138. the scary one
with the black hair.
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139. Rosa? Yes.
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140. She doesn't love you back.
She will never love you back.
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141. Say, "Thank you," Charles.
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142. She just told you
your future.
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143. Thank you.
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144. You left without me.
You were late. Again.
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145. Well, I had to put on my
undercover minivan disguise.
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146. Say hello to
Harvey Norgenbloom.
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147. CPA. Recently divorced father
of two with a dark sexual secret.
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148. What's your cover?
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149. Angry captain.
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150. Okay, so you do not
like my ensemble.
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151. I'm just concerned that you
may find it hard to pursue
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152. a criminal on foot while
wearing man sandals.
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153. But the sandals define Harvey.
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154. He's a sandals guy.
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155. Captain, why the babysitting?
Why are you micromanaging me?
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156. You think I want to be
sitting here with you
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157. instead of running
my precinct?
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158. Yes. It was a
rhetorical question.
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159. I've spent the last 12 years
fighting for my first command.
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160. And I'm not going to
let you screw it up
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161. because you refuse to
take your job seriously.
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162. Hey, I do take
my job seriously.
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163. I put away bad guys.
That's what matters.
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164. Well, so does doing your paperwork,
showing up on time,
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165. wearing proper footwear...
That's on Harvey. That's not me.
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166. Well, so, here's the deal.
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167. You're going to have a
superior officer babysitting you
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168. on every one of your cases.
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169. And when you show me that
you can do your job,
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170. every part of your job,
perfectly,
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171. then, I'll back off.
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172. Okay.
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173. Counter offer, I give you 50 bucks
and you let me do whatever I want.
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174. Fine. We'll do it your way.
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175. From this point on,
I'll do every part of the job perfectly.
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176. Perfecter than perfectly.
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177. It's, "More perfectly."
You said that imperfectly.
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178. I was testing you.
You did perfectly.
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179. Quick update on the
tagger situation.
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180. He is currently spray-painting
our van right now.
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181. Police! Freeze!
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182. Ow. Ow. Ow.
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183. Oh. Sandal down.
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184. Lost a sandal.
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185. NYPD! Freeze!
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186. I'm here.
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187. You're busted.
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188. I already got him.
We got him.
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189. Oh. Hey, Captain.
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190. Hi. So...
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191. I was able to procure
that $50 after all.
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192. And my offer still stands.
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193. Let me do whatever
I want and the $40,
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194. that's how much I actually have,
is yours.
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195. No?
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196. Fair enough.
I only had 30 anyway.
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197. Well, I guess, in order to get
you to stop micromanaging me,
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198. I'm going to have to get back
to the most important piece
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199. of police work there is.
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200. Writing a perfect report.
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201. Good.
I'm anxious to read it.
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202. And I'm anxious to restore
my status as a lone wolf.
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203. Anything else, Detective?
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204. Yeah, I'm going
to do one more.
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205. Lone wolf.
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206. He's digging me.
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207. Hey, Sarge? Do you know
where we keep the glitter?
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208. I just want to make sure this
report for the captain is extra sparkly.
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209. What are you doing, Peralta?
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210. Look, if I have to do things his way,
I'm going to do them my way.
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211. Okay, man.
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212. It was nice working with you.
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213. I'm not scared of him, okay?
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214. I'm not scared of anyone.
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215. Oh, also,
the tagger drew a penis on your minivan.
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216. I'm sorry,
please don't chase after me. What?
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217. There's a penis
on my minivan?
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218. High ceilings.
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219. Three bedrooms. Why does every
perp have a nicer place than I do?
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220. You know what they don't
teach you at the academy?
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221. It's better to be a criminal.
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222. Oh, no.
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223. The cabinets are blue.
Tacky.
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224. Not a deal breaker, though.
I'd just repaint it.
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225. The psychic predicted the drugs
would be found in something blue.
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226. I see the color blue.
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227. She also made this really
depressing prediction about my life.
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228. She will never love you back.
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229. And if she's right about
where we find the drugs,
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230. that means she's right
about the other thing.
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231. Uh-huh.
Kitchen.
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232. Whoa.
Jackpot.
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233. There's way more
than 12 keys in here.
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234. Where was it?
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235. Baseboard,
behind the hamper.
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236. What color was the hamper?
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237. Green. Yes.
The clothes hamper was green.
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238. The clothes hamper
was green!
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239. Drinks on me.
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240. You're weird.
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241. Sorry this is taking so long.
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242. I'm still writing up
my report.
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243. Pretty detailed.
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244. Hey, Gina, can you look up what
the humidity was about an hour ago
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245. and also what
moon cycle we're in?
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246. No,
sorry. Don't feel like it. No.
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247. Thanks, Gina.
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248. And now, to you.
What's your name?
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249. My name is
Banana Fartman, MD.
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250. I don't believe you.
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251. Come on, man.
Just tell me who you are.
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252. I need to fill this thing out perfectly,
so my boss will get off my back.
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253. Are you a minor?
How old are you?
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254. I'm 610.
I'm a Highlander.
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255. Okay, you know what?
I'm going to put that in there.
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256. And then you're going to be
tried as an adult Highlander,
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257. and they're going
to cut your head off.
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258. Is that what you want?
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259. I hate to be the
bearer of bad news,
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260. but your psychic friend's predictions
about the drug case were wrong.
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261. Which means, all of her
predictions are wrong.
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262. Mmm-mmm. No way.
She's never wrong.
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263. We found the cocaine behind a
green hamper. Never said "green,"
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264. or the letter "H."
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265. Mmm-hmm. She said
blue and yellow, Charles.
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266. I don't know if there's
any kindergarteners present,
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267. but those two colors
combined make green.
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268. She also mentioned the
letters "L" and "B."
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269. And another name
for a hamper is...
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270. Lady? Bin?
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271. Laundry basket.
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272. Oh, little boo-boo.
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273. Can you go be
depressed over there?
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274. You're bumming out
my whole area.
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275. Baby, I've got
some bad news.
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276. Someone painted a
giant penis on our minivan.
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277. No, you cannot
have an SUV now.
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278. Those things roll, baby!
They roll!
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279. Hey, look at this.
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280. Your prints were on file.
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281. Nice to meet you...
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282. Trevor Podolski.
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283. Oh, Podolski. Just like, uh,
Deputy Police Commissioner Podolski.
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284. Your father is Deputy
Police Commissioner Podolski.
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285. I'm not sure how
things work here,
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286. but does that mean that
your career is in my hands?
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287. Okay, you know what?
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288. Yes.
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289. 20.2 kilos.
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290. I feel like we could
round up to 21.
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291. Or we could
round down to 20,
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292. take the extra 0.2,
sell it to our friends.
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293. I'll call the DA,
Rosa, you log this in.
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294. Charles, maybe watch Gina.
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295. So,
what are you doing tonight? Nothing.
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296. What about you...
Are doing tonight?
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297. Nothing.
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298. Carlene.
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299. Well, I hope you find
something to do.
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300. I'm going to pee. That's
what I'm doing tonight.
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301. No.
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302. Deputy Commissioner's son,
huh? Yeah.
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303. His decision to target cop cars
makes a lot more sense now.
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304. We gotta let him
walk, right?
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305. He defaced nine
police vehicles,
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306. and you caught him red-handed.
Why would you let him walk?
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307. Captain,
I did all the work on this perfectly.
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308. I mean, my report
has over 25 pages
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309. of meticulous research,
diagrams, and maps.
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310. I even put an "About the
Author" section on the back.
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311. I did everything you
asked me to do, but...
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312. this is above
my pay grade.
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313. You gotta make the call.
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314. You're the arresting officer.
It's your call.
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315. I told you to do
every part of your job,
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316. and making this call
is part of your job.
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317. Yeah, but you think
I should process him.
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318. Mmm-hmm.
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319. Well, if I do, the Deputy
Commissioner could ruin my career,
Copy !req
320. and I'll end up on the streets selling
my beautiful body for a can of beans.
Copy !req
321. Mmm-hmm.
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322. Has anyone ever told you,
"You look exactly like a statue?"
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323. Yes.
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324. Man.
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325. You were totally right
about the cocaine.
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326. And you were also right
about Rosa. Who's Rosa?
Copy !req
327. The woman I... The woman
who doesn't love him back.
Copy !req
328. Oh.
Yes, that woman.
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329. You know, it can be a burden to always
know what's gonna happen in the future.
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330. Don't get out of the chair!
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331. I just had a vision of you leaving this
chair and getting seriously injured.
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332. Oh, my God.
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333. I should probably wheel
you back to your desk.
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334. That is a great
idea. Wheel you off a bridge.
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335. I'm kidding.
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336. Oh, you're alone
Copy !req
337. Uh-oh
You're alone for life
Copy !req
338. So, here are my options.
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339. One, I process
Podolski's kid,
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340. he fires me, and I spend
the rest of my career
Copy !req
341. as a Detective third grade,
which is literally pathetic.
Copy !req
342. No offense, Hitchcock.
None taken.
Copy !req
343. Option two, I let him walk
and I spend the rest of my life
Copy !req
344. with Holt as my babysitter.
Copy !req
345. And honestly,
when I think about
Copy !req
346. spending the rest of my
life with a babysitter,
Copy !req
347. she's kind of a cute
blonde named Erica.
Copy !req
348. And she always has pizza money
and lets me stay up as late as I want.
Copy !req
349. How old are you
in this scenario?
Copy !req
350. Anyway, the point is,
Holt cares more about
Copy !req
351. whether I "do my job right"
than whether I have a job at all.
Copy !req
352. So, I'm taking suggestions.
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353. I say piss off Holt.
Copy !req
354. So we get to watch your
career end right in front of us.
Copy !req
355. Okay. Thank you
for that, Santiago.
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356. I'm going to put you
down for, "Don't arrest."
Copy !req
357. And I'm also going to put your
phone number on every urinal in Rikers.
Copy !req
358. Don't arrest him.
Just smack him. Hard.
Copy !req
359. With a phone book on a body part no
one can see. You know what I'm saying?
Copy !req
360. So, you're suggesting
police brutality?
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361. I guess so,
yeah. Why?
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362. Hey, Scully.
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363. Yeah.
You want this collar?
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364. Paperwork's all done
and it's perfect.
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365. The Podolski kid?
Are you kidding?
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366. I just gave him my lunch.
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367. Okay.
Copy !req
368. Boyle, what do you think?
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369. I don't know, man.
I'm lost.
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370. The universe is a cruel
and vexing puzzle.
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371. I'm at the whim
of the cosmos.
Copy !req
372. All right, I'm going to put
you down for, "Bummer."
Copy !req
373. And you can hang out in
that category all by yourself.
Copy !req
374. Hey, everyone.
Copy !req
375. Hey, Jake. There's a very sexy,
angry official here.
Copy !req
376. Deputy Commissioner Podolski.
He's asking for you.
Copy !req
377. Very angry, elderly,
sexy, furious.
Copy !req
378. Well, my career is over.
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379. See you at the bottom,
Hitchcock. No offense.
Copy !req
380. No, none taken.
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381. Deputy Commissioner.
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382. Where's my son?
Copy !req
383. He is at my desk,
Copy !req
384. enjoying a nice glass
of bubbly water
Copy !req
385. and some chocolate I was
saving for a special occasion.
Copy !req
386. Hey, Peralta.
When you're done,
Copy !req
387. could you help me wrap up this
massive cocaine bust I just pulled off?
Copy !req
388. Thanks.
Copy !req
389. Oh, Deputy Commissioner,
Copy !req
390. didn't see you there.
Copy !req
391. Sorry for interrupting.
Copy !req
392. Amy Santiago.
Copy !req
393. Trevor.
Copy !req
394. What did you do
this time? Nothing.
Copy !req
395. There you have it.
He said he did nothing.
Copy !req
396. So I caught him red-handed,
doing nothing?
Copy !req
397. I'm saying maybe it's a
possibility you made a mistake.
Copy !req
398. You know, normally,
I would agree with you,
Copy !req
399. but I've been pretty
detail-orientated the last few hours.
Copy !req
400. You might not understand this,
but Trevor is a special kid.
Copy !req
401. He makes straight A's.
He's going to Duke next year.
Copy !req
402. Lacrosse scholarship.
Copy !req
403. Oh.
Sometimes, boys...
Copy !req
404. just need to be boys.
Copy !req
405. You do realize
Copy !req
406. he did thousands of dollars'
worth of property damage, though.
Copy !req
407. To police vehicles... Look,
I think we can all agree
Copy !req
408. that I'm ordering you
to let this slide.
Copy !req
409. Because nothing happened.
Copy !req
410. This is officially
out of your hands.
Copy !req
411. Would you actually mind
just checking out my report?
Copy !req
412. It's pretty thorough,
and I spent over an hour on fonts.
Copy !req
413. Kind of snazzy.
So...
Copy !req
414. Oh, thank you.
I'll get right to it.
Copy !req
415. Thanks.
Trevor, let's go.
Copy !req
416. Have a good one.
Copy !req
417. Yes.
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418. What's up with the chair?
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419. Um, Carlene predicted
if I get out of this chair,
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420. I'd get badly hurt.
So, I'm not chancing it.
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421. Oh, man, there's no more
pudding cups left.
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422. Ah! What did you
do that for?
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423. There. Now, you're
hurt in this chair.
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424. You can get hurt
anywhere, Boyle.
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425. And if you do,
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426. it won't be because some
shoe salesman predicted it.
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427. You make your
own destiny.
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428. Well, we don't have to worry
about Podolski's son anymore.
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429. The case is officially out of my hands,
no charges filed.
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430. Why is there
yogurt on this?
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431. The Deputy Commissioner
threw my report in Terry's trash can,
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432. and he had been
eating yogurt earlier.
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433. Terry loves yogurt.
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434. Something wrong?
Kind of, yeah.
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435. I called six precincts
about this kid.
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436. He's been brought in
a dozen times.
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437. Theft, vandalism,
drunk and disorderly.
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438. But he's never been processed.
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439. His daddy comes in and
bails him out every time.
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440. He's a lucky little jerk.
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441. No, I wouldn't say
he was lucky.
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442. I feel bad for this kid.
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443. I mean,
what kind of father
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444. cares so little for his son that he
lets him get away with everything?
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445. Well, he's someone else's problem now,
like you said.
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446. It's out of your hands.
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447. All right. I see what you're trying
to do, but it's not going to work.
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448. I'm not going to arrest him.
I'm going to arrest him!
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449. You want backup?
Yes.
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450. What is this?
You can't do this.
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451. Get that thing
out of here.
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452. Excuse me, sir.
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453. Trevor Podolski,
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454. you're under arrest for vandalism
and destruction of property.
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455. But Dad...
What are you doing?
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456. I told you to
back off, Peralta.
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457. First off,
the name's Santiago.
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458. Detective Amy Santiago.
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459. Second,
I'm arresting your son.
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460. Which, as I say it aloud,
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461. seems like an
unwise choice.
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462. But it's the one
I'm making.
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463. Once again, my name
is Amy Santiago.
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464. You're being stupid, Peralta.
Don't be stupid.
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465. I can make your
life miserable.
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466. Commissioner, please don't
talk to my detective in that tone.
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467. If you have a complaint,
you can take it up with me.
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468. You just made yourself
a very powerful enemy, Holt.
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469. I'm going to be watching you,
both of you, like a hawk.
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470. You're going to have to try a
little harder if you want to scare me.
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471. I've been an openly
gay cop since 1987.
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472. So, you're not the first
superior officer to threaten me.
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473. You know how I'm
still standing here?
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474. Because I do my job.
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475. And I do it right.
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476. Damn, son!
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477. Don't say "son."
Sorry.
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478. Deputy Commissioner, if you want to
pick Trevor up, he'll be at the Nine-Nine.
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479. Let's go, Fartman.
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480. Carlene was wrong, Gina.
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481. Rosa said it herself.
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482. I'm in charge of
my own destiny.
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483. That means she wants
me to make a move.
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484. Mmm, but Carlene
was also right.
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485. You did get hurt because
Rosa punched you.
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486. And the fact that Rosa punched
you means she does not like you.
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487. No. No, she punched me
to prove Carlene wrong.
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488. Move!
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489. Oh, wait,
I take it back.
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490. She definitely
is into you.
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491. So much chemistry.
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492. I know. It's crazy.
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493. All right, let's get
this meeting started.
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494. I'm not late.
I'm here.
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495. Right on time.
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496. You're out of uniform,
Peralta.
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497. Baby steps, Captain.
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498. Baby steps.
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