Brooklyn Nine-Nine 1x17

1. Drying dishes, yeah

2. Man, Charles has been so happy and confident

3. ever since he hooked up with that professor

4. at the Captain's party.

5. She has tenure and also has 10 years,

6. times two, older than him.

7. That sucked. Yeah.

8. It's nice to see him like this.

9. He's so confident.

10. This morning, he finally corrected the barista

11. when she called him Charlize.

12. He's been living as Charlize Broil for five years.

13. It's great. It's all so great.

14. He could take it down just a smidge.

15. If you like pina coladas

16. Dead guy, Charles. Sorry.

17. But whatever. I can handle the singing.

18. I'm just so happy for that guy. It's about time he caught a break.

19. Sexy Train is leaving the station.

20. Check out this caboose!

21. Later, sluts.

22. Just let him have it.

23. Great job, Boyle.

24. Peralta, where are we with the Black Cab Holdups?

25. Well... I got this, Jakey.

26. Oh, all right. Have at it, man.

27. Nice jeans, Boyle.

28. Those are surprisingly low-waisted.

29. Eyes up here, Gina. I'm more than just a piece of ass.

30. Ooh!

31. Not bad. Not bad.

32. An unlicensed cab driver has been picking up tourists.

33. Driver takes the vics down under the B.Q.E.,

34. robs them at gunpoint, leaves them stranded.

35. Unfortunately, because they're tourists

36. and our perp is not Caucasian,

37. we don't have a clear idea of what he looks like.

38. He was either Latino, Arab,

39. or Mexican. Either way, very Muslim.

40. We'll go undercover, dressed as out-of-towners,

41. and hope the perp picks us up.

42. Don't worry, Sarge. We'll nail this guy.

43. I can't believe I was just briefly attracted to Boyle!

44. Ugh! Ugh.

45. A Mr. Brain Jensen here to see you, sir.

46. It's Brian.

47. Mmm, not according to this note

48. I wrote on my hand very quickly. "Brain."

49. Captain Holt. We recently met at the African-American

50. Gay and Lesbian New York City Policeman's Association.

51. Uh, yes, that name is quite a mouthful.

52. Just call it the AAGLNYCPA.

53. Your organization has meant so much to me.

54. Uh, well, it's not my organization.

55. I mean, I did found it, and I've been

56. president for the last 25 years,

57. and I oversee every detail.

58. But really, it's our organization.

59. It's yours. And out of respect for you

60. and everything that you've done,

61. I wanted to stop by and let you know I'll be running for president.

62. I hate to run against you,

63. but I have some ideas for change

64. that will bring AAGLNYCPA

65. into the 21 st century.

66. I see. Well,

67. it's been good meeting you, and, uh, I wish you the very best.

68. Thank you. Goodbye, Brain.

69. It's... It's Brian.

70. Very nice man.

71. Yes, he is.

72. Now, let's figure out how to...

73. destroy him.

74. How did the interview with the victim go?

75. Went okay. Guy was from Canada,

76. said it was probably his fault for getting robbed

77. and apologized for wasting my time.

78. Oh, Canada.

79. Truly Odie to America's Garfield.

80. Mmm-hmm. Hey, what are you doing tomorrow night?

81. I think I can get us some Nets tickets.

82. No go, amigo.

83. Tomorrow is Vivi's and my big 20-day anniversary.

84. I'm pulling out all the stops.

85. Dinner at Le Bonbon with 300 roses at the table.

86. No. Oh, man.

87. Then, a gondola ride along the Gowanus Canal.

88. No. No, no, no, no, no, no.

89. And then, a skywriter's going to write "Charles Loves V."

90. I couldn't afford her full name.

91. Okay. First of all, "Charles Loves V" means something very specific,

92. and I'm gonna guess, not what you're intending.

93. But more importantly,

94. you're going Full Boyle.

95. Pfft! What? I am not.

96. What's Full Boyle? Anytime Charles gets into a new relationship,

97. he gets way too intense, way too fast,

98. and it always ends in heartbreak.

99. We met on the subway. We went out to dinner,

100. and I told her I loved her.

101. And my mom was so happy.

102. And then, the barbershop quartet I hired started to sing...

103. And then, she broke up with me.

104. And then she broke up with you. Yes!

105. Oh, Joanna! No!

106. Courtney!

107. Rhonda!

108. I know when I'm going Full Boyle.

109. Trust me, this is different. I have it under control.

110. Got to go, Jakey.

111. Excuse me. Are you a detective?

112. Oh, uh, who's asking?

113. I'm Super Dan, scourge of Brooklyn's underworld.

114. And I need to talk to an officer of the law.

115. I'm busy right now working on this excuse.

116. I think Santiago is free.

117. Hi. I'm Super Dan.

118. And I have a crime to report.

119. Oh, gosh.

120. I am so sorry. I literally just retired.

121. This is my retirement cake.

122. Mmm. Thank you, guys.

123. I'm going to miss this place.

124. Why aren't you guys taking me seriously?

125. Your cape. And your tights.

126. And your name is Super Dan. And I can kind of see your penis.

127. And it's just all a rich tapestry.

128. Yeah, well, I'm a citizen. I'm from this neighborhood.

129. So, the only reason I'm wearing

130. this costume is so when I'm fighting crime

131. to help you guys, people will respect my authority.

132. How's that working out for you?

133. Detectives, when a citizen comes in off the street,

134. it is NYPD policy to take a statement.

135. This isn't enough of a statement?

136. Yes, I wanted to inquire about renting out the Statue of Liberty

137. for a romantic evening? Mmm-hmm.

138. Is there a bed in the torch?

139. No. Okay.

140. I'll get back to you.

141. Hey, there, Charles.

142. I thought maybe we should have a little chat

143. about how crazy you're acting and how you're blowing this beyond repair.

144. Are you really qualified to give romantic advice?

145. You're not exactly the king of mature relationships.

146. Fair enough. But I would argue that I am like a beautiful angel of love,

147. who has trouble finding love for himself.

148. Admit that you would see that movie.

149. I would. Thank you for your honesty.

150. But this is not about me.

151. It's about Charles.

152. I've seen this before, buddy, and it is bad.

153. Jake. I'm nowhere near Full Boyle.

154. Then, prove it. Just push your anniversary dinner one night.

155. Say "Vivian, tomorrow doesn't work for me. Can we reschedule?"

156. If this will convince you, I'm more than happy.

157. No problem. Great.

158. Voicemail. Yeah.

159. God, I love how she says the words, "You've reached..."

160. Hi, Vivi. It's Chucklebunny.

161. Oof. I'm just calling about dinner tomorrow.

162. I can't wait to see you, my luscious little breakfast quiche.

163. I just want to draw you a bubble bath

164. and spoon-feed you caviar.

165. I think we should open up a joint checking account.

166. I love you. What am I doing?

167. It's okay. I hung up right after "Chucklebunny".

168. Help me. I've gone Full Boyle.

169. I need to focus on my re-election campaign.

170. Clear my schedule.

171. You really care about this little club, huh?

172. It's not a club. It's an organization that I founded over 25 years ago.

173. I'm proud to say we now have 50 members,

174. but it wasn't so easy in the beginning.

175. I'd like to request discretionary funds

176. to start an organization supporting black gay and lesbian police officers.

177. They never actually said no,

178. so I just went ahead and did it.

179. I've poured my heart and soul into this organization,

180. and I'm not gonna just give up the presidency.

181. You should make me your campaign manager.

182. I was born for politics. I have great hair,

183. and I love lying.

184. Find out everything you can about this Jensen.

185. I'll work on my speech.

186. How's this for an opening joke?

187. "You know what the toughest part about being a gay black police officer is?

188. "The discrimination."

189. I believe that's what you call observational humor.

190. Probably. That's great.

191. Ah. All right, let's go over our disguises.

192. I am Herbert Goffleman from San Diego.

193. I came here to stand in the cold outside The Today Show

194. holding a sign with a misspelled word on it.

195. Oh, you know what? You win.

196. That neon green fanny pack screams gullible tourist.

197. It's mine. I brought it from home.

198. Oh. Hey, can I have my phone back, please?

199. Uh, no. Because you will call Vivian,

200. and you have the worst case of Full Boyle I've ever seen.

201. Huh? I found this, by the way.

202. You wrote "Mr. Charles Ludley" over a thousand times.

203. Why would you take her last name, Boyle?

204. Look.

205. For the last two years, I've been directing all my love at Rosa.

206. So, my emotions just piled up.

207. And now, with Vivian, my feelings are spraying out of me

208. like a fire hose. Ugh!

209. That is overtly sexual.

210. Jake, I'm going to ruin it.

211. You got to help me.

212. All right, here's the plan.

213. I'll text Vivian from your phone

214. and tell her you want it to be a double date.

215. That way, I can come with you and hold your hand.

216. Then, your hand will be on her butt

217. because my hand will be on her butt.

218. You've got to get it together, man.

219. I told you I need help!

220. Hey, can I get your file on that Atlantic Avenue drug ring?

221. Sarge gave me and Scully the case.

222. What? Oh.

223. Why did you do that? I... I know I deserved it, but why?

224. Sarge, you reassigned our drug case?

225. Diaz and I have been working it for three months.

226. Remember Super Dan?

227. The guy you ignored and made fun of?

228. He's been perching on rooftops at night, secretly taking photos of drug deals.

229. He has thousands of images

230. and can ID the entire network of dealers.

231. What? But you refused to take his statement

232. because he had a cape on.

233. Luckily, Hitchcock and Scully didn't mind.

234. I didn't even notice he was wearing a cape.

235. You're a cop. You should have noticed that.

236. We screwed up. Message received.

237. Yep. Be nicer to virgins.

238. She doesn't speak for me.

239. You're not getting your case back.

240. Okay. Here's what I found out about our competition.

241. "Brian Jensen, born 1899,

242. "served in the Navy during World War One.

243. "A hero at the Battle of Scimitar Hill,

244. "Jensen perished in a factory fire in the Netherlands."

245. This may be a different Brian Jensen.

246. I've never been in this position before.

247. I've always run unopposed.

248. If you want to compete,

249. you're gonna have to have a little more pizzazz.

250. Couple ideas for you.

251. The obvious place to start would be you

252. in a silver suit, with sunglasses and roller skates.

253. The candidate of fun.

254. What's your second idea?

255. Nada. Thought I had a slam dunk on the first one.

256. Hi, there. We'd like to go to the Times Square.

257. We're brothers.

258. We're all set for the double-date tonight.

259. Vivian's bringing her friend Bernice.

260. Bernice? That sounds like a cartoon dump truck.

261. Mmm. Whatever. That's probably for the best.

262. I don't need any distractions.

263. My mission is to protect you.

264. All right.

265. Hey, this guy's going the right way.

266. We should get out and try again.

267. You can let us off here.

268. Hey. We would like to buy some bagels.

269. And where is the Sex and the City street?

270. We wanna see where Carrie and Big live.

271. I'm a Carrie. I think I'm a Carrie.

272. We're both Carries.

273. All right, let's prepare for the date tonight.

274. Here's the things you're not allowed to talk about.

275. Love, poetry, music, or passion.

276. We don't have to talk at all.

277. I'll just stare into her eyes.

278. They're like little drops of cilantro reduction on lily white flan.

279. Okay, now, see, no food talk.

280. It sets off something primal and disgusting in both of you.

281. It makes me want to barf. You're right.

282. But if you feel like you can't handle it,

283. we need a signal.

284. I'll do this.

285. And how would you do that naturally?

286. This guy's clean, by the way.

287. Can we pull over, please?

288. There she is.

289. I don't know if I can do this.

290. Listen to me. I am with you all night,

291. and nothing will distract me from my solemn vow to protect you.

292. Okay? Okay.

293. Vivian, you look beautiful. I love your dress.

294. Oh, you too, Charlie. You look so handsome.

295. Steady. Steady.

296. Jake, this is my friend, Bernice.

297. Uh, hello. I'm Jack... tractive.

298. "Jack-tractive?"

299. Yes. My parents were hippies.

300. Let's eat.

301. Okay. So, Jake, you're a cop?

302. I wanted to be a cop when I was a kid,

303. mostly because I love Die Hard.

304. Die Hard. Really?

305. Mmm-hmm. Well, that makes sense.

306. Everyone loves that movie. Oh, not like me.

307. I sleep in a Nakatomi Plaza Security t-shirt.

308. Ah. Oh, no.

309. What kind of dogs do you like?

310. I mean, you know, just hypothetically.

311. If we were to get a dog.

312. Oh, I love all dogs.

313. Uh, when I was a kid, I had the cutest golden retriever named Rufus.

314. That is the most amazing thing I've ever heard.

315. I want to meet him. Charles.

316. Why don't you tell Vivian about the 10-day forecast?

317. Oh. Good idea.

318. Sorry about that. Mmm-hmm.

319. So, if you're not a cop, then what do you do?

320. I'm in grad school. I thought about maybe being a sports reporter,

321. but it would be impossible for me to be objective.

322. I love the Nets so much.

323. You're a Nets fan? I love the Nets.

324. Oh, my God. This season has been a disaster, right?

325. Yes. And everybody blames it on Jason Kidd.

326. Yes. But it's like, at a certain point,

327. Billy King is the one who put the team together.

328. Yes.

329. I love rainy days.

330. My mother loves rainy days.

331. You should meet her.

332. Excuse me... Our signal.

333. Uh, here's a question for the group.

334. What is the longest funeral you've ever attended?

335. Ladies first.

336. On behalf of Captain Holt, Floorgasm.

337. Hands in the air, fists pumping like champs

338. Hands in the air, fists pumping like champs

339. Hands in the air, fists pumping like champs

340. Pumping like champs, pumping like champs

341. Tramp stamp, bam

342. Did you like it?

343. It was inspired by the city of New York,

344. in that I stole it from some kids I saw dancing in a subway station.

345. All of you, go home immediately.

346. Ugh.

347. I appreciate the effort, Gina, but I can't risk losing this election.

348. The AAGLNYCPA means too much.

349. Let me rehearse my speech.

350. Do you want a president who struggled against all odds

351. to create this great organization,

352. or do you want a great nothing

353. who struggled against nothing-odds to create nothing?

354. Yikes.

355. The meeting is beginning.

356. The stakes are very high for me.

357. I'm getting nervous. My stomach is in flux.

358. You know, in the court of Louis XI,

359. women would only eat consommé

360. because they were worried that chewing would give them wrinkles.

361. I love it when you talk broth.

362. Hey, Charles, remember that dog we found on the train tracks?

363. Was it inside-out or just very badly burned? Inside-out.

364. Yeah, 'cause there were things on the outside that

365. definitely should have been on the inside.

366. Definition of inside-out. Bingo.

367. Will you excuse us?

368. Bernice and I are going to going to use the ladies' room.

369. Ooh.

370. Hurry back.

371. Uh. Oh, no.

372. Jake, I can't stop looking at her butt.

373. Yeah, you are definitely making her uncomfortable.

374. And this beautiful basketball-loving Die Hard fan is

375. tearing down my walls of defenses.

376. If we find out that she is half-Jewish,

377. we are all doomed! I know.

378. I borrowed the waiter's phone when you weren't looking

379. and bought me and Vivian plane tickets to Rome.

380. What? We leave in two hours.

381. Terrible itinerary. We connect through Vietnam.

382. Just go home. Get out of here and regroup.

383. I'll take of everything. I'll tell them it was an emergency.

384. Thank you.

385. Can you make it a work emergency? Not a bathroom one.

386. Kinda wanna make it a bathroom one.

387. Sarge, you made your point.

388. We messed up. But this is a big case,

389. and Hitchcock and Scully are going to screw it up.

390. I'm sure they can handle it.

391. They have a combined 50 years of experience.

392. This morning, I found Scully's gun in the freezer,

393. in the frozen yogurt.

394. I think he was using it as a spoon.

395. The truth is, I had to give them the case.

396. You insulted Super Dan.

397. He refuses to cooperate with you.

398. We weren't that bad.

399. You told him his super power was being so embarrassing

400. that people laugh themselves to death.

401. Yeah.

402. For those of you who don't know me,

403. I'm Officer Brian Jensen.

404. Listen to him talk. He has no gravitas.

405. Do you know what gravitas sounds like?

406. Greetings, all.

407. For example, details about this organization should be included

408. in NYPD recruitment literature

409. and on the website.

410. He actually has some good ideas.

411. Maybe you shouldn't be so quick to dismiss him.

412. Like you were with a certain amazing dance troop.

413. He isn't fit to be president.

414. He hasn't spent the last 25 years fighting to build this organization.

415. Right. Is that bad?

416. I thought you created AAGLNYCPA or whatever,

417. so people like him wouldn't have to go through

418. what you went through.

419. Isn't it a good thing that Brian Jensen didn't have

420. to struggle for 25 years just to get up on this stage?

421. Thank you all for your time. I hope you vote for me.

422. Greetings, all.

423. You know what the toughest part about being a gay, black police officer is?

424. The discrimination.

425. What?

426. At the very first meeting of the AAGLNYCPA,

427. I was elected president unanimously.

428. Because I was the only member and I voted for myself.

429. But after 25 years of struggle,

430. I am no longer the only member,

431. and I look forward to casting my vote for someone else.

432. That is why I withdraw my name from consideration as president.

433. Congratulations, Brian.

434. If you screw this up, I will impeach you.

435. I wrote the bylaws, so I know how to do it.

436. But I'm very happy for you.

437. But I will impeach you if necessary.

438. Anyways, Charles wanted me to reiterate how sorry he is,

439. but he got an emergency call

440. and that is plausible because we're detectives.

441. Well, is it a tough case? Because Charlie was acting so weird tonight.

442. Mmm-hmm. Work has been so stressful.

443. Speaking of, here is your coat.

444. I've got to run. If you wouldn't mind using the back exit,

445. it will be much safer. Trust me, I'm a cop.

446. New York, right?

447. Charles. What are you doing here?

448. I am so close to getting you out of this.

449. They're putting their coats on.

450. Funny story. I was walking home, and I passed a pawn shop.

451. And then, I went into a trance. And now, I have this engagement ring.

452. No! Charles!

453. Well, I'm going to go ask Vivian to marry me.

454. Bye. No.

455. Give me that. Jake!

456. Give that back! I'm doing this for your own good.

457. You've gone Full Boyle! I'm helping you out!

458. Give me that ring or I'm going to pepper spray you.

459. Pepper spray me, I will pepper spray you!

460. Huh? Mmm.

461. No!

462. Crap! Crap!

463. Crap! Oh, crap!

464. Ah, crap! Crap!

465. Hey, buddy.

466. I got you that fancy coffee you like.

467. I don't want it. Oh, so expensive.

468. How you holding up?

469. I don't know, Jake. I've been better.

470. Right. Look, I'm sorry I threw your ring in that boiling pork water.

471. Yeah. Sorry I pepper sprayed you.

472. I'm sorry I pepper sprayed you.

473. Burned like hell, right? Yeah.

474. Thank God for that soda.

475. Oh. It's so sticky, but it feels so good.

476. Ooh, cab.

477. After you. Yes, sir.

478. What are you two still doing here? Isn't your shift over?

479. Something we need to take care of.

480. Oh. Super Dan, over here.

481. Thanks for coming.

482. Great. You two?

483. Look, if you guys want to make fun of me,

484. just come down to Pita Paradise like everyone else does.

485. We need your help. Why?

486. What happened to Scully and Hitchcock?

487. They're busy cleaning Hitchcock's ear.

488. Yeah.

489. Did you witness any of these men selling narcotics?

490. This is so official.

491. Yeah, this guy.

492. Number three. That's the mope we brought in.

493. Yeah. Okay.

494. We're going to need to take your statement.

495. Spare no detail.

496. Really? Mmm-hmm.

497. Yeah. Okay.

498. Um. All right.

499. Well, uh, I was driving around my neighborhood

500. in the DanMobile, which is my bike.

501. Um, and... I know what we did wrong.

502. Yeah, we should have followed the rules,

503. but more importantly,

504. we're supposed to help out everyone, no matter what.

505. That's right. Nice work on the arrest.

506. I got vaccinated that year.

507. But then, I still got the flu.

508. Whoa.

509. Look, don't be bummed, man. It's going to be okay.

510. No, it isn't.

511. You can't be with me every minute of every day.

512. I'm in love with this woman for real,

513. and I'm going to go Full Boyle and scare her off.

514. No. We can figure this out. All right?

515. I've still got your phone, so you're good there.

516. Hey, hey, hey. I think we're gonna get robbed.

517. I need to pull over.

518. Flat tire.

519. Give me your wallets. NYPD!

520. You're under arrest for armed robbery!

521. Little to the left, Charles.

522. Yeah, I'm still not seeing great because of the pepper spray.

523. Hey. Cab driver's in the interrogation room.

524. You ready? Let's do it.

525. Oh, no. What's this? What is this?

526. Hey. I checked your phone.

527. There were a hundred texts from Vivian, worried about you,

528. a selfie that I can never unsee,

529. and dozens of voicemails.

530. Hey, Chucklebunny, it's me.

531. You disappeared last night, and you were acting weird and...

532. And I'm worried it's because I'm moving too fast.

533. I really want to see you and I know it's 3 a.m.,

534. but we should feed each other falafel in our underwear...

535. Okay.

536. I know it when I hear it.

537. She's Full Boyle.

538. Full Boyle for Boyle.

539. I took the liberty of texting her and telling her to come meet you here.

540. I thought you might want to give her this.

541. Or something considerably nicer.

542. That is definitely not platinum.

543. You really think this is a good idea?

544. Buddy, I honestly don't know.

545. But you're definitely not gonna scare her off.

546. I say do whatever makes you happiest.

547. Jakey, you're the best.

548. Ah.

549. Your body is trembling like a leaf.

550. I'm so excited.

551. Yes! Yes! Yes?

552. Aw. Charles is engaged.

553. You handled this really well, Peralta.

554. I take back what I said about you being immature.

555. Oh. Apology accepted, fart monster.

556. Okay.

557. Oh. Okay. Oh, boy.

558. Yeah, this is turning into a live sex show.

559. Yeah. Let's go.

560. Oh, no, I wasn't saying it in a bad way.

561. Jake. Yep.

562. Although they can't see us.

563. Jake! Yep.