Brooklyn Nine-Nine 1x15

1. We've busted murderers.

2. We've taken down cartels.

3. But today, we face the worst New York has to offer.

4. The Fire Department.

5. Fire Marshall Boone, we meet again.

6. Detective Peralta. Your fly's down. I made you look.

7. I didn't look, and I'm wearing shorts. There is no fly.

8. That's not what your mom said.

9. You make no sense.

10. And now I'm inside your head.

11. Prepare to die.

12. Blue 52!

13. Hut!

14. You don't have to dance every time!

15. True. But I choose to dance every time.

16. You have one play. You give the ball to Jeffords

17. and he runs it in. I...

18. I'd like to see you score one.

19. Good. 'Cause you're about to see it.

20. You're about to see it straight to hell.

21. Hut, hut!

22. Now, Terry!

23. Yeah!

24. I did it! I did it alone!

25. I'm the king of the world! Whoo!

26. Cream in my coffee and rock and rolli

27. Peralta. Ah. Captain Holt.

28. You look very...

29. Sad? I can never tell.

30. Don't you have a murder suspect to question?

31. He's in the interrogation room, as we speak,

32. sitting and, I assume, stewing.

33. I put on a song that I think sums up his situation nicely.

34. I got you, babe

35. Because you see...

36. You got him, babe.

37. I understood the wordplay, yes. Huh.

38. I've been chasing this guy for three months.

39. I've got him dead to rights.

40. Fingerprints, witnesses... It's in the bag.

41. So, I'm just gonna grab a healthy breakfast.

42. Are those gummy bears wrapped in a fruit rollup?

43. Breakfast burrito. But, yeah.

44. I pity your dentist. Ah.

45. Joke's on you. I don't have a dentist.

46. Jake!

47. Jake. Uh-oh. This can't be good.

48. Major Crimes Division just called.

49. They're taking over your murder case.

50. The Vulture is on his way here now.

51. No!

52. Doesn't that guy get tired of stealing our cases?

53. He took one from me and Rosa last week.

54. NYPD. Stop!

55. Ugh! You made us run up 10 flights of stairs. It's over.

56. Thanks, guys. I got it from here.

57. Don't worry. We can stall him until you get the confession.

58. We rehearsed this, you guys.

59. This isn't a drill. Everyone know their assignments?

60. All right, hands in.

61. Commence Operation Broken Feather.

62. And, go!

63. Okay, Gus.

64. I don't have a lot of time. I need your full signed confession.

65. We have four minutes. We can do this.

66. But I'm not guilty.

67. Listen to me, Gus.

68. We can do this, son.

69. Yo!

70. Is this a police station or a toilet? Because all I see is turds.

71. Oh, Detective Pembroke.

72. Oh, no! I spilled coffee on you by accident.

73. Lucky for you this wipes off quickly.

74. This coat's made out of whale skin.

75. The Vulture still flies. The Vulture still flies.

76. Hey, Pembroke.

77. What do you say we go talk about a case in the break room?

78. Oh, yeah? What case is that?

79. The case of how you got so damn sexy.

80. God owed me a favor. Case solved.

81. I told you. I didn't know the guy.

82. You're lying.

83. We have pictures of you two.

84. Come on. We only have three minutes.

85. It's like you're not even trying to confess!

86. The Vulture is coming!

87. We need more time! Someone do something!

88. I got it.

89. Tear gas.

90. Scully! Scully!

91. Wrap my shirt around your face!

92. And out of the tear gas rises the phoenix.

93. Peralta.

94. I got it from here.

95. All right, fine.

96. I'll just go, then.

97. With this fully signed confession!

98. We did it, Gus! Whoo!

99. Suck it, Vulture!

100. I killed that guy and his neighbor,

101. but you were too late!

102. Wait, you killed his neighbor?

103. Amy.

104. Check it out. Nice! You got it framed?

105. Of course. It commemorates our victory over The Vulture,

106. the greatest day in human history.

107. Sorry the tear gas made you look like a demon dog at the end of Ghostbusters.

108. Brief me on the hotel robberies.

109. Helpful hint to the scientists that program you.

110. Most humans say "Hello" at the beginning of a conversation.

111. Manager of The Prentiss Hotel told us that someone

112. has been breaking into the rooms. Stolen over $100,000 in jewelry.

113. We're heading over there now.

114. Keep me updated.

115. Another helpful hint. Goodbye.

116. It's learning.

117. What?

118. Man, an hour of footage, and we've got nothing.

119. I have to admit, I do love a thorough vacuumer.

120. I'm a little OCD.

121. What? No, you're not.

122. Oop!

123. I can leave it there.

124. Totally.

125. It doesn't bother me. I know.

126. There it is.

127. All right. Let's get started.

128. So, we have good news

129. and we have bad news.

130. My nana always said bad news first

131. because the good news is probably a lie.

132. Fun fact, she made me cry a lot.

133. Good news is, the sting we set up to catch deadbeats went great.

134. My name's Bill Voss.

135. Just got this thing in the mail,

136. said I won a free Bahamas cruise!

137. Congratulations, Bill.

138. You have six outstanding warrants for credit fraud.

139. Aw, man!

140. Can't it wait until I get back from the Bahamas?

141. I won a cruise!

142. You're not very bright, are you, Bill?

143. Now, I know you'd all prefer to go to a bar,

144. drink beer, and eat chips of various textures.

145. But our CompStat numbers are due tomorrow morning.

146. So, I need these arrests on the books today.

147. Darn it. I had a belly dancing class.

148. Tonight was Egyptian undulation.

149. Oh, show us some moves.

150. Sure. Dismissed.

151. First batch of arrest files is done-zo Washington.

152. There's only three files here.

153. It's been an hour.

154. Yeah, I know. It has not been a productive morning.

155. For example, somebody used the toaster in front of Boyle.

156. No. No, no, no, no, no.

157. Tommy.

158. And then, Boyle spent 30 minutes

159. lecturing him on how to make a sandwich.

160. I'd describe the workflow today as dismal

161. with a tiny little splash of pathetic.

162. Hey, I want my lawyer!

163. Get me out of here, man.

164. I'm worried.

165. The CompStat numbers are due tomorrow at 9:00 a.m. But at this rate,

166. we won't be finished until your daughters are grown and married.

167. I may have a solution.

168. We need to CompStat the office.

169. What is CompStat?

170. It's just using data to identify problem spots in the neighborhood.

171. Now, I have been taking notes on points of friction

172. in this office for years.

173. The red areas are places where no work gets done.

174. If we can fix these problems without anyone knowing

175. what we're doing, we will finish on time.

176. Are you saying you want to secretly perform scientific experiments

177. on your friends and co-workers to increase efficiency?

178. Yes.

179. Sounds fun. Let's do it.

180. Hey, hand me some peanuts. I'm snacky.

181. I have something I need to talk to you about.

182. I might get a promotion to Major Crimes.

183. They asked me to come in and interview for a job.

184. What? You're gonna go work for The Vulture.

185. Have you forgotten how awful he is?

186. The Vladimir Putin collection?

187. Yeah, $70 a pair.

188. And they only increase in value.

189. I guess that's your new best friend now, Santiago.

190. Emphasis on "Iago," backstabber.

191. I'm surprised you read Othello.

192. What the hell's Othello?

193. I'm calling you the parrot from Aladdin.

194. I wouldn't be working for The Vulture.

195. I'd be working with him in data analysis.

196. Oh!

197. It's just a lousy desk job?

198. Okay. Never mind.

199. You're not gonna do that. You love working cases too much.

200. Here's the plan. We're going to catch this perp,

201. you're going to remember how much you love your job,

202. you're going to skip that interview, and that's a Peralta guarantee.

203. Your last Peralta guarantee was that you could dunk a basketball.

204. I never said I couldn't use a ladder.

205. Peralta guarantee achieved.

206. The subtext of the guarantee

207. was that you would be entertained,

208. and you were.

209. Let's go!

210. Okay. So, I've already taken care

211. of a few obvious problems.

212. I moved the toaster to the break room,

213. far away from Boyle.

214. Good. What's this red area here, the Diaz Triangle?

215. Right. So, you know about Rosa's anger incidents?

216. It's my birthday. I hate birthdays.

217. If you wish me a happy birthday,

218. I will punch you.

219. You're a funny little bird, Diaz.

220. Happy birthday. Oh!

221. Anytime Mount Diaz erupts,

222. everyone in the squad avoids her.

223. Mount Diaz. Humorous. Yes.

224. Tell me. What room is

225. just down the hall from her desk?

226. The bathroom.

227. If people are afraid to walk by Diaz,

228. bathroom breaks will be to a minimum.

229. Hey, Diaz.

230. I just need to make sure I've got the details right in this file.

231. Yeah, the guy was passing bad checks.

232. But is this the same guy?

233. Yeah. The name here is the same name on...

234. Okay. All right. Thank you.

235. Thank you. Got it.

236. Come on! I'm so sick of these

237. sucky computers.

238. One more step and you're next.

239. NYPD.

240. Yes? Melipnos?

241. Oh, boy.

242. NYPD, sir.

243. Have you seen anything unusual today?

244. Oh, no.

245. This was nice, thank you.

246. Wait, wait, wait.

247. What is this music?

248. Oh, this is from my country. Uh, Leirkrakeegovnia. Do you like it?

249. I weirdly do.

250. See, Amy? Fun thing about working cases,

251. you meet people from all over the world.

252. This song is a celebration song

253. for when a dog loses his virginity.

254. Who checks that?

255. I was having a smoke,

256. and I saw a bellboy take his jacket off and throw it in the dumpster,

257. then go back inside.

258. Well, that's unusual.

259. Yeah, that's why I'm telling you.

260. Looks like we are going dumpster diving.

261. Great.

262. Come with me, Amy to the dumpster

263. Me and Amy going diving in the dumpster

264. I can't believe you would ever consider leaving this job.

265. This is real police work.

266. And you love it.

267. Remember that time you had to shove your hand down that woman's throat

268. to get her car keys?

269. Why do you even care if I leave?

270. Because The Vulture is the worst.

271. That whole division is the worst. They steal cases.

272. It's the lowest of the low.

273. So, if I transferred somewhere else, you wouldn't care at all?

274. No. Of course not.

275. Do whatever you want, you know?

276. It's your life.

277. Ah-ha!

278. The jacket.

279. This case is heating up! Ooh!

280. Receipt in the pocket. Dust it for prints.

281. And send a scan to Boyle.

282. Yes! You're feeling it now.

283. Whoo!

284. The thief's name is Benjamin DiSanto.

285. Here's an old mug shot.

286. He's surprisingly photogenic.

287. A lot of criminals are, strangely.

288. He doesn't work here.

289. Must have stolen a bellhop uniform.

290. Receptionist just spotted DiSanto entering

291. the Salieri Ballroom. What's going on in there?

292. An auction of Greek antiquities.

293. Ah. I believe it's pronounced "antiques".

294. I'm sorry about my partner. He's never been to a museum.

295. Have so. Wax museums don't count.

296. Then why are they called museums? It's right there in the name.

297. Oh, my God. Come on.

298. It's going really well, sir.

299. We've gone from 10 cases per hour to almost 20.

300. That's good. But we can do better.

301. Tell me about the Boyle-Linetti Reaction.

302. Boyle gets cold a lot,

303. because of what he calls his...

304. Medically diagnosed thin skin.

305. So, he goes to the lost and found and he grabs something that's usually

306. unflattering.

307. That's when Gina gets involved.

308. Sweet sweater, Charles.

309. You look like you're starring in an Albanian remake of The Cosby Show.

310. Dr. Huxtable!

311. Dr. Huxtable!

312. Gina is completely useless

313. when Boyle is wearing lost and found clothes.

314. Well, I really can't blame her on this one.

315. Maybe we should just, uh, empty the lost and found.

316. Already done, sir.

317. Detective. Yeah, I'm ready.

318. Good Lord!

319. Where did he get that?

320. Oh, my God. We're doomed.

321. Boyle looks like a lesbian.

322. He must have gotten it from the evidence locker or something.

323. Don't worry.

324. I had a backup plan.

325. I distracted her with a mirror.

326. She's like a cockatiel, sir.

327. Fascinated by her own reflection.

328. Mmm. Hello, sexy. How are you?

329. Right back at ya.

330. Well done.

331. Good afternoon, sir. I'm Detective Peralta.

332. This is Detective Always-Stays-Loyal.

333. She's named after her father Alvin-Stays-Loyal.

334. We're tracking a thief that's stolen thousands of dollars' worth of jewelry.

335. We think he's scouting auction winners

336. so he can rob their rooms.

337. We called for backup, but we need to move now.

338. And we have to keep it quiet.

339. What can I do to help?

340. There's too many people in here.

341. I need a better vantage point.

342. Any way I can get up on stage by the podium?

343. You'll blow our cover if you go up there. You don't exactly blend in.

344. Yeah.

345. Irwin...

346. How would you like to have the honor of being

347. the first man to undress in front of Amy Santiago?

348. Okay.

349. Here we go.

350. Hello, everyone.

351. My name is Roger Strikewell,

352. and I will be your guest auctioneer this evening.

353. So many faces to look at.

354. I won a radio contest,

355. and I'm so excited to be here tonight

356. to sell you all of these cool old Greek things.

357. Our first item up for bid is lot number 344.

358. It is this old vase.

359. A "vahse," if you're nasty.

360. It was made in the year...

361. Five.

362. And depicts the classic Greek fable,

363. Boy Meets Girl,

364. Boy Has Goat Legs.

365. And on the back,

366. just a whole bunch of wheat.

367. So, let's start the bidding at $10.

368. Okay, started way too low.

369. We've done it, sir.

370. If we stay on this pace, I think we'll finish on time.

371. I think we should keep going.

372. Make the office even more efficient.

373. Sir, are you familiar with the story of Icarus?

374. He didn't know when to quit.

375. He flew too close to the sun

376. and his wax wings melted, and he died.

377. Are you familiar with the story of Moneyball?

378. A man uses statistics and logic to win several baseball games.

379. It's my favorite film.

380. The statistical analysis.

381. It's so beautiful.

382. This office is becoming a powerhouse

383. of paperwork processing.

384. I'm flying high, Sergeant.

385. And I'm never

386. coming down.

387. I have $85. Do I have $90?

388. I have $90 from the man with the face at table four.

389. This is terrible.

390. You don't know what you're doing.

391. Adam Sandier? Yeah, that's right.

392. I collect antiquities.

393. I'm a serious person.

394. I'm writing a movie right now

395. about the Russian Revolution.

396. Oh, really? Who does Kevin James play in it?

397. It's a serious movie.

398. Trotsky. Ah, there it is.

399. But he's got a wife who never wears a bra.

400. I think you're gonna like it.

401. Thanks for dressing up, by the way.

402. All right, back to this plate.

403. I think you could use it for a variety of things.

404. New item up there.

405. Uh, how much do you guys want to pay for me

406. to stick my socks in this moron's mouth?

407. I will. Did football legend, Joe Theismann,

408. just bid $1,000 to put a sock in my mouth?

409. You bet.

410. Okay, but let's get it going. A little higher. Seriously,

411. back to the porno plate.

412. Uh, 1,200 bucks. Who wants this plate?

413. Sock in the mouth, boom!

414. Okay, the idiot gets the sock in the mouth for...

415. I'd say $1,300 would be even better.

416. $1,300.

417. Joe Theismann coming in strong.

418. I've got $1,300. $25,000 from...

419. And a one, and a two and a boom!

420. Sold to Joey Theismann!

421. Congratulations. You're getting a sock in your mouth.

422. Thirteen hundred bucks. Joe Theismann.

423. Can I stick the sock in his mouth? I'll pay extra.

424. Yes, you may. Because I just sold my item

425. to the man in the gray shirt at table 18.

426. NYPD. You're under arrest.

427. Heading your way!

428. Gotcha!

429. My leg!

430. My leg!

431. You broke my other leg!

432. Uh... Oh! This was supposed to be a safe event.

433. Nothing to see here.

434. Except for the bone.

435. Sticking out of the leg.

436. Joe! I videoed it!

437. What a day, huh?

438. Met Adam Sandier, broke Joe Theismann's leg,

439. and solved an awesome case together.

440. Yeah. Good day.

441. Hell, yeah, it is. Drinks are on me.

442. Jake. I'm still doing the interview.

443. What?

444. No.

445. Don't do that.

446. We still have to process the perp.

447. You love processing.

448. It's your favorite thing, after organizing your emails

449. and replacing toilet paper rolls.

450. This job would be a great opportunity for me.

451. Okay, whatever.

452. You know what?

453. You're being a bad partner.

454. You're joining forces with the enemy.

455. And from now on, I'm gonna call you "The Cheetah."

456. They're scavengers, just like vultures.

457. And I kind of wish I hadn't said it,

458. 'cause they're pretty cool.

459. Come on, jewel thief.

460. You're my only friend now.

461. Scully, what are you doing at my desk?

462. And working?

463. What is going on today?

464. The Captain put me here.

465. Says I waste time when I sit next to Hitchcock.

466. Okay. Well, go work in the break room.

467. Hello, Peralta. Ah!

468. A human greeting. Nicely done.

469. Updates on the case.

470. Well, you're gonna love this one.

471. We busted the guy for grand larceny.

472. And to celebrate, Santiago is taking a job interview at Major Crimes.

473. Mmm. Can you believe that?

474. Yes. She told me yesterday.

475. What? Why didn't you try and talk her out of it?

476. She would literally shave her head if you asked her to.

477. Which, by the way, is a great idea for a prank,

478. if you're looking to prank her.

479. Santiago wants to make captain one day.

480. I know, because I've frequently caught her wearing my hat

481. and looking into a mirror.

482. Dismissed.

483. I support her decision.

484. That's what good detectives do.

485. They have each other's back.

486. No matter what.

487. All right.

488. Let's move on to your unpaid parking tickets.

489. Dude.

490. Dude. Fire.

491. Oh, my. Fire.

492. Uh, hey! Fire!

493. Oh! Oh! I got it! Okay. Here we go.

494. Here we go. Here we go.

495. What happened, Scully?

496. I didn't know there was a toaster there.

497. Why... Why is the toaster there?

498. Uh-oh. Oh! My fringe!

499. My beautiful fringe!

500. Boyle's on fire!

501. Icarus!

502. Extinguisher's empty. Morons!

503. Back to the drawing board.

504. Sir, I'm begging you. Please. We have to stop.

505. Boyle is still smoldering!

506. The problem is we didn't take Peralta into account.

507. In our next trial...

508. Hello, boys.

509. Welcome to your own office.

510. I hear you're trying to make the precinct more efficient.

511. Gina, what are you doing in the Captain's chair?

512. Please. I'm open to any ideas about efficiency.

513. I have narrowed the problem down to one location.

514. The Holt-Jeffords vortex.

515. Things would go a lot faster if the two of you

516. did less experimenting and more working.

517. And I'm not the only one who thinks that.

518. You melted my fringe.

519. You think I have an anger problem?

520. I don't. You are both dead to me.

521. Well, I suppose it's possible we may have been

522. a tad enthusiastic in our pursuit of efficiency.

523. Really?

524. A tad, Icarus?

525. Fine.

526. Message received.

527. Jeffords and I will get right to work.

528. Great. That will be all. Thank you.

529. Get the hell out of my chair.

530. All right, I pushed it a little bit on that one.

531. Okay. Bye.

532. Santiago.

533. Before you go in there, there's something I have to say.

534. I'm sorry I said you were a bad partner.

535. I was the bad partner.

536. The truth is, our job isn't always great.

537. I mean, sometimes, it sucks.

538. But it sucks a little less when I get to do it with you.

539. So, when you said you were gonna leave,

540. I freaked out, and that was dumb.

541. I should have been more supportive.

542. You're a great detective,

543. and they'd be lucky to have you.

544. In fact,

545. if it helps, I wrote you a letter of recommendation.

546. Which is riddled with spelling errors, I might add.

547. Including the word "recommendation."

548. Which is just... I don't have to tell you about that.

549. There's no way there's four "M's" in that word, right?

550. I already turned down the job.

551. Seriously? In the end, you were right.

552. I don't want to sit at a desk.

553. And right now,

554. I like where I am.

555. Ah.

556. But thanks for thinking I'm great.

557. No. I take back all the things I just said.

558. Uh-uh. You said I was a good detective.

559. And you were nice.

560. This is my nightmare.

561. Looky, looky.

562. I thought I saw your big, white ass lumbering around.

563. As for you, Santiago,

564. well, now, you certainly showed your true colors, didn't you?

565. And they're a shade of pink called "loser."

566. All right. Everybody, just calm down.

567. There's no reason we can't be friends.

568. Here. I brought you a peace offering.

569. Run!

570. Uh-oh.