1. - Woody, I have the results
of your colonoscopy.
Copy !req
2. - Be honest, doc.
Do I have the ass cancer?
Copy !req
3. - I'm not going to sugarcoat it,
woody.
Copy !req
4. I found something alarming
in there.
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5. - No!
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6. Oh, yeah, I accidentally
sat on that.
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7. - Really?
These too?
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8. Looks like somebody fell
ass-first into a yard sale.
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9. - I just like to be organized.
I call it bung-shui.
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10. - Besides some mild tearing and
what I swear was an oompa loompa
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11. That I was never quite able to
get a hold of, you're all clear.
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12. - Great.
Now, if you'll kindly
Copy !req
13. Return those things to my ass,
I'll be on my way.
Copy !req
14. - Oh, woody, you're still
under the influence
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15. Of the anesthetic.
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16. I can't let you
drive yourself home.
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17. - I gave you a bunch
of emergency contacts.
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18. Didn't you call 'em?
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19. - Yes.
I got four wrong numbers,
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20. Three hang-ups,
and a my mother."
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21. She's been dead for three years,
so that would be difficult
Copy !req
22. But not impossible.
Copy !req
23. - Okay.
So what does this mean?
Copy !req
24. - Medically speaking?
Well, you have no friends.
Copy !req
25. And since there's no one here
to pick you up,
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26. I'm going to have
to put you down.
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27. - Wait, wait!
Can't I just call a cab?
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28. - Hmm, I never thought of that.
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29. Guess I didn't need
to put all those people down
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30. After all.
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31. Boy, is my face red.
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32. Kidding!
I can't feel emotion.
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33. - Get me out of here!
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34. - Tommy!
Shut up and play your trombone!
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35. - Aah!
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36. - Wow, your chest hair really
does look like
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37. Burnt taco meat.
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38. - I told you.
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39. - My pubies looks
like cheese curls.
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40. Oh, wait,
these are cheese curls!
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41. Oh, wait.
They're not.
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42. - Ugh!
You guys are making me hungry.
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43. - Hi, I'm looking for
the "hairy, horny, hung virgin."
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44. - Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy,
oh, boy, oh, boy!
Copy !req
45. - Shut up, connie.
She's here for me.
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46. - You're a bear?
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47. You never mentioned
that you were a bear.
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48. You lied to me.
- Lied?
Copy !req
49. You answered an ad
on craigslist.
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50. You're lucky
I'm not murdering you.
Copy !req
51. - Well, we're not having sex.
Copy !req
52. - Murder it is.
Copy !req
53. - Ha ha!
Malloy can't get laid!
Copy !req
54. - Ha ha.
Steve has rabies!
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55. - No, I—
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56. - Wait a second, that's weird.
Copy !req
57. Malloy, bite him again.
Copy !req
58. But harder this time.
- What?
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59. - Yay!
Let's eat each other!
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60. Dibs on ethel.
Copy !req
61. - Hmm, fascinating.
Copy !req
62. - Malloy, you have
four incisors.
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63. - And you have dick
on your breath.
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64. - Do you know what that means?
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65. - Your dad's in town?
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66. - No, it means
you're a rare breed of bear.
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67. You may even be
the last one alive.
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68. Ursus loquacious.
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69. - Ursus loquacious?
He plays for the falcons.
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70. - Ah! Why the hell
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71. Did you all give me
fake contact numbers?
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72. Some friends you are.
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73. - Friends?
We don't even like you.
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74. - Huh? Why?
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75. - Simple.
You're an asshole.
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76. - That's not true, bitch.
Ow!
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77. - Woody,
can I get a new uniform?
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78. I outgrew another one.
- you, lard ass.
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79. I'm not buying you
another uniform!
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80. Lose some weight, or better yet,
blow your brains out,
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81. You fat tub of monkey shit!
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82. Honestly now, you guys
really think I'm an asshole?
Copy !req
83. Oh, I can't believe
I don't have any friends.
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84. Nobody gets me.
Copy !req
85. One shot of goldschlager.
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86. - I thought I was the only one
who enjoyed goldschlager.
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87. - You kidding? This is
the finest gold-flecked schnapps
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88. That money can buy
for under $12 a bottle.
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89. - One night, I drank
so much of this stuff,
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90. I panned my diarrhea,
and I made $80.
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91. - That might be the most awesome
thing I've ever heard.
Copy !req
92. - Mayor todd ford.
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93. - The crackhead mayor
of hazelhurst?
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94. - Ah, don't believe the media.
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95. They just gave me that nickname
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96. Because I smoke crack
all the time.
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97. - Woody johnson.
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98. - The whore-punching head ranger
of brickleberry?
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99. - And they say you can't give
yourself a nickname.
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100. Barkeep, another round!
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101. - My friend said he wanted
another drink!
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102. - Oh, shit,
you better chill out
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103. Before he calls the cops!
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104. - Ha ha ha!
I'm mayor.
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105. The cops work for me.
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106. Drinks are on the house!
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107. - To the start
of a beautiful friendship!
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108. Yeah!
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109. - Help!
Help!
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110. - Malloy, I have amazing news.
Copy !req
111. I did some research
and found out—
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112. - You're not actually the last
of your species.
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113. Turns out there's one more,
and it's a female!
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114. - Way to step on my dick,
connie.
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115. - Sorry.
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116. - I'm having the bear
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117. Flown into the brickleberry
wildlife sanctuary,
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118. So you can continue the species.
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119. - Let me check to see if I give
a shit.
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120. I don't.
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121. - You know what this means?
Copy !req
122. It means—
- you get to have sex with her!
Copy !req
123. And not just once,
as much as you possibly can.
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124. - God damn it, connie!
Copy !req
125. - Sorry!
Copy !req
126. - Interesting.
Copy !req
127. Tell me more about this
Copy !req
128. "having sex as much
as I possibly can."
Copy !req
129. - All right.
Copy !req
130. Oh, but first,
there's a complex mating ritual
Copy !req
131. That you're gonna have to learn.
Copy !req
132. Okay, now, you circle around her
seven times,
Copy !req
133. And her labia
will become engorged.
Copy !req
134. - Check.
Copy !req
135. - This is the worst furry party
ever.
Copy !req
136. - And then you begin to growl
and cup the buttocks
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137. Of the female...
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138. - Urgh!
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139. I think I just lost
my deposit on this bear suit.
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140. - I don't get it, denzel.
How do you stay so thin?
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141. - I burn a lot of calories
having sex.
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142. - Does it work
if it's with yourself?
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143. - No.
Copy !req
144. - Ha ha! I don't have friends
'cause I'm an asshole, huh?
Copy !req
145. See what you know, I made
a friend who's a bigger asshole
Copy !req
146. Than me!
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147. - Daniel tosh?
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148. - Who?
Never heard of him.
Copy !req
149. No, my b.F.F. Is
the coolest guy on the planet:
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150. Mayor todd ford.
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151. - Really, woody?
He's a corrupt drug addict.
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152. - He's not a drug addict.
Copy !req
153. - I got the drugs!
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154. - Whoo!
Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!
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155. - We've gotta keep this meth
off the street.
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156. I'm all right.
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157. - He's fine, I had to do this
three times last night.
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158. - Ahhh!
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159. I feel awesome!
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160. Did I die again?
Copy !req
161. - Ha ha! "did I die again?"
I love this guy!
Copy !req
162. Makes me want to be mayor.
Copy !req
163. So, what are we doing tonight?
Copy !req
164. - Ooh, yeah,
me and some high-powered friends
Copy !req
165. Are playing poker,
but it might be
Copy !req
166. A little too high-stakes
for you.
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167. - You kidding?
High-stakes is my middle name.
Copy !req
168. - All right, woody,
if you insist!
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169. - We're going to party tonight!
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170. Oh, yeah!
- Yeah! Yeah!
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171. - Whoo!
- Yeah-
Copy !req
172. - Now remember, the continuation
of your entire species
Copy !req
173. Depends on this.
Copy !req
174. - Here we go.
Let the banging begin.
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175. - hello.
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176. - Nope. No way.
I am not that.
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177. - You can't leave.
Copy !req
178. Your species depends
on the two of you mating.
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179. - Yeah, malloy,
she's not that bad.
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180. - Oh, yeah, she looks like
a movie star.
Copy !req
181. Steve buscemi's eyes and
the teeth of... Steve buscemi.
Copy !req
182. - God damn it!
I fold.
Copy !req
183. - Ha! Ha! Ooh, yeah!
Copy !req
184. I haven't seen
this many unnecessary folds
Copy !req
185. Since I binge-watched
season one of girls.
Copy !req
186. Ha ha!
Copy !req
187. So, you're a bit
of a hunter, eh, ford?
Copy !req
188. - I do love big game hunting.
Copy !req
189. It's too bad there's no good
place to do it around here.
Copy !req
190. - Yeah, obama,
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191. Putting all the good animals
in africa.
Copy !req
192. Anyway, thanks for inviting me
and letting me
Copy !req
193. Take all your money, fellas.
Copy !req
194. And you, bruce jenner,
Copy !req
195. You are either
a very ugly man
Copy !req
196. Or a very attractive woman.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
197. - Actually, bruce lost
a lot of poker games.
Copy !req
198. The first bet was "wear
this dress," and then it was
Copy !req
199. "take these estrogen pills,"
and so on and so on.
Copy !req
200. Would you care to make
this hand
Copy !req
201. A little more interesting,
woody?
Copy !req
202. - Yes! Yes!
I mean... Eh, maybe.
Copy !req
203. What do you have in mind?
Copy !req
204. - Well, I know your dream job is
to be mayor.
Copy !req
205. How about, if you win,
you get to be mayor?
Copy !req
206. If I win,
I get control of brickleberry.
Copy !req
207. - Oh, I don't know.
Copy !req
208. - What's the matter, woody?
Got no balls?
Copy !req
209. You want to borrow mine?
Copy !req
210. They're in a dumpster
in glendale.
Copy !req
211. - So, woody,
are you going to take the bet,
Copy !req
212. Or are you not man enough
to be my friend?
Copy !req
213. - All right, I'm in!
Four aces.
Copy !req
214. - That's an impressive hand,
but does it beat my...
Copy !req
215. Straight flush?
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216. - Oh, shit.
Copy !req
217. I lost the park
to a straight flush!
Copy !req
218. - Cry me a river.
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219. I lost my dick
to a pair of queens.
Copy !req
220. - Hello!
We have names, you know.
Copy !req
221. - One.
Whew!
Copy !req
222. Okay, I jumped the rope,
I did half a sit-up.
Copy !req
223. Why can't I lose weight?
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224. All I've been eating
are these rice cakes.
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225. - Those are rice krispie treats,
dumb-ass.
Copy !req
226. - Morning, rangers!
Copy !req
227. So, I got a little overextended
last night
Copy !req
228. And, uh, lost the park
to the mayor in a poker game.
Copy !req
229. Moving on.
- You what?
Copy !req
230. - Don't judge me.
I had four aces.
Copy !req
231. All of you would've done exactly
the same thing,
Copy !req
232. So this is as much your fault
as it is mine.
Copy !req
233. - See, woody, this is why
no one likes you.
Copy !req
234. - You think that's why
no one likes him? Ha!
Copy !req
235. - Oh, don't worry about it.
The park will be fine.
Copy !req
236. Nothing's going to change.
Copy !req
237. - It's going to be so much more
convenient to hunt them all
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238. In our own backyard.
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239. - Well, this is great.
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240. All these wild animals
are going to be a huge draw
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241. For the tourists.
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242. - Uh, woody,
Copy !req
243. The animals are eating
the tourists.
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244. - I just thought of a great way
for you to lose weight.
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245. - Really?
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246. - It's called running as fast
as you mothercan!
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247. - Worst-case scenario,
they rip your leg off.
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248. That's still losing weight!
Copy !req
249. - Thanks, buddy!
Copy !req
250. - Woody, what are you going
to do about this?
Copy !req
251. - Hmm, would you accept
you" as an answer?
Copy !req
252. - No.
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253. - Fine!
I'll go talk to the mayor.
Copy !req
254. - Oh, no, bobby.
Rhinoceroseses!
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255. - I told you we shouldn't have
played jumanji!
Copy !req
256. - Listen, fordles,
can we talk?
Copy !req
257. Uh, some of the other rangers—
not me, of course—
Copy !req
258. Think the animals
you flew into the park
Copy !req
259. Are destroying the place.
Crazy, right?
Copy !req
260. - Tell them I'm calling
the shots at brickleberry now.
Copy !req
261. If it gets destroyed, so be it,
as long as I get to
Copy !req
262. Hunt down and kill those animals
the only way a man should...
Copy !req
263. High on crack!
Copy !req
264. - Yeah, but why do you have
to do it at brickleberry?
Copy !req
265. - Well, it beats
going to africa.
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266. I hate flying.
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267. And skinny kids
with fat bellies scare me.
Copy !req
268. - I know, right?
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269. Pick a body type,
you fat skinny bastards.
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270. - I'm just lucky you picked up
those two aces on the draw.
Copy !req
271. - Yeah, if only I'd-
how'd you know I picked up
Copy !req
272. Two aces on the draw?
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273. Wait a second.
You cheated!
Copy !req
274. - Oh, no.
A politician who cheats?
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275. What's next?
Copy !req
276. An eskimo
that coconuts?
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277. Sorry, I'm very high.
Copy !req
278. - But—but we're best friends.
Copy !req
279. - We're not friends!
You're an asshole!
Copy !req
280. I played you like a bitch just
to get my hands on that park.
Copy !req
281. - This means war!
Copy !req
282. You are now a sworn enemy
of woody johnson.
Copy !req
283. Unless you want to start over
and try to be friends again?
Copy !req
284. - No, I don't.
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285. - Jesus, who wrote this shit?
Copy !req
286. - And then,
he could a coconut!
Copy !req
287. - Hello, emmy.
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288. - Come on out, mallory.
Copy !req
289. - Don't be shy.
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290. - I know what it's like to be
the ugly one.
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291. But it gets better.
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292. it doesn't get any better.
Copy !req
293. - I can work with this.
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294. - Ethel, connie, gotta say,
nice work.
Copy !req
295. I actually have half a chub
here.
Copy !req
296. So, mallory,
you've been quiet.
Copy !req
297. Tell me something
about yourself.
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298. - Be yourself, mallory.
Copy !req
299. - Wanna take this train
to town?
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300. - I'm sorry?
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301. - Can I taste yo' juice?
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302. - I'm not even sure
what we're talking about.
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303. - I want to punch you
in the b-hole.
Copy !req
304. - All right.
Copy !req
305. And the word of the day is
"extinction."
Copy !req
306. - Hang me upside down
and speed bag my tits!
Copy !req
307. - Oh, my best friend
betrayed me, and I have no way
Copy !req
308. Of getting my park back.
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309. What do I do, malloy?
- I got my own problems.
Copy !req
310. Some cock-eyed woodchuck wants
me to punch her in the b-hole.
Copy !req
311. No wonder I'm the last
of my species.
Copy !req
312. - That's it.
You're a genius, malloy.
Copy !req
313. - No, but I still make steve
look dumber
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314. Than a sack of dry shit.
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315. - Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Copy !req
316. Sack.
Copy !req
317. - Malloy, why'd you run off?
Copy !req
318. I thought you and mallory
had a real moment there.
Copy !req
319. - What moment was that?
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320. When she asked me to fistfight
her lady lips?
Copy !req
321. - Yeah, that was hot.
Mmm.
Copy !req
322. - Malloy, you have
a responsibility
Copy !req
323. To continue your kind.
Copy !req
324. You have to have sex with her.
Copy !req
325. - I'd rather die.
Copy !req
326. - Then you leave me no choice.
Copy !req
327. - Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
I wasn't serious!
Copy !req
328. - Aw, what a cute little coma.
Copy !req
329. What are you doing?
Copy !req
330. - I was able to extract an egg
from mallory last night.
Copy !req
331. Now I just need to get malloy's
sperm, and I can fertilize it.
Copy !req
332. It's okay, ethel.
Just close your eyes
Copy !req
333. And pretend
you're tugging your way
Copy !req
334. Out of another
speeding ticket.
Copy !req
335. Connie, I got the semen!
Copy !req
336. - Yeah, it's about time.
Copy !req
337. I got tired of watching
after two hours.
Copy !req
338. - Yeah, whiskey dick's nothing
compared to tranq spank.
Copy !req
339. Pretty sure I have
carpal tunnel now,
Copy !req
340. But you know what,
it was worth it.
Copy !req
341. - Steve!
You gained 10 pounds!
Copy !req
342. - Damn it!
I'll never fit in this uniform.
Copy !req
343. - Looks like diet and exercise
aren't your thing.
Copy !req
344. We need to try something new.
Copy !req
345. - But I've tried everything.
Not even liposuction worked!
Copy !req
346. I can't believe you were going
to throw this out.
Copy !req
347. It's delicious!
Copy !req
348. Where are you taking me?
Copy !req
349. I was having
the best tug job dream.
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350. - You're going to help me save
this park.
Copy !req
351. Now be quiet.
Copy !req
352. Well, mayor, I guess you really
tickled his ivories.
Copy !req
353. - What do you want, woody?
Copy !req
354. - Well, I thought you might be
interested in a little wager,
Copy !req
355. Since you call yourself
a betting man.
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356. - What could you possibly have
that I want?
Copy !req
357. I've already taken
everything from you.
Copy !req
358. - Oh, not everything.
Look at these gums.
Copy !req
359. - What is this, roots?
Copy !req
360. - Oh, my god!
Ursus loquacious!
Copy !req
361. The rarest animal on the planet,
Copy !req
362. The holy grail.
Copy !req
363. - Here's the bet.
Copy !req
364. I'll let you hunt malloy...
Copy !req
365. - What?
- But only for one hour.
Copy !req
366. If you can't kill him,
I get my park back.
Copy !req
367. - Can we think of a plan
that doesn't involve my death?
Copy !req
368. - Nah, too much trouble.
Copy !req
369. The hunt starts at noon
tomorrow.
Copy !req
370. - You got a deal.
Copy !req
371. Get ready to mount that rhino.
Copy !req
372. - Get in line.
Oh, I like these exotic women.
Copy !req
373. - Ugh!
This diet is making me hungry.
Copy !req
374. I don't know who see-mon is,
but I'm eating his yogurt.
Copy !req
375. Mmm-mmm!
Copy !req
376. It's got a kick to it!
Copy !req
377. - Steve, what the
are you doing?
Copy !req
378. - I know!
I'm cheating on my diet.
Copy !req
379. - Cheating on your diet?
You eating bear jizz!
Copy !req
380. - Oh, my god!
Copy !req
381. Oh, my god!
Copy !req
382. Why would see-mon write his name
on a cup of bear jizz?
Copy !req
383. - Steve, do you feel okay?
Copy !req
384. - Uh, just got a hold
of some bad yogurt.
Copy !req
385. I'm trying not
to think about it.
Copy !req
386. - Wanna split
my tapioca pudding?
Copy !req
387. You could've just said "no."
Copy !req
388. - So woody's big plan
is to sacrifice my life
Copy !req
389. To get his stupid park back.
Copy !req
390. - Cubsy wubs, there's no way
daddy's gonna let you die.
Copy !req
391. I've got it all planned out.
Copy !req
392. - What? My funeral?
Eat my jizz, woody.
Copy !req
393. - shut up!
Copy !req
394. First, I'm going use bear tracks
to lure mayor ford
Copy !req
395. To the brickleberry briar patch
where stage one
Copy !req
396. Of my plot begins...
Copy !req
397. And that brings us
to little ol' stage 238:
Copy !req
398. Batman'll come swinging in
and say, "justice!"
Copy !req
399. So as long as we do this all
before noon, you'll be fine.
Copy !req
400. - Uh, it's 12:45.
Copy !req
401. - You see, that's why I need
an alarm clock in my ass!
Copy !req
402. - Wow, malloy!
Copy !req
403. I didn't know you were
in the triple nipple club too.
Copy !req
404. - Oh, crap!
Move!
Copy !req
405. - I'm outta here.
Great plan, woody.
Copy !req
406. - Where are you going?
It's dangerous out there.
Copy !req
407. - It's dangerous in here.
Copy !req
408. And if I'm gonna die,
I'm not gonna die a virgin.
Copy !req
409. - Hey! Someone spilled bleach
in my warm salted mayonnaise.
Copy !req
410. You smell it, steve?
Copy !req
411. - That's so specifi—
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412. - Ew, gross!
Copy !req
413. - There's not much time.
We have to make love.
Copy !req
414. - Shit, yeah, we do.
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415. oh, it's time
to serve up some panny pudding.
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416. - No.
Copy !req
417. - Oh, hell, you gonna tape me up
before you split these guts?
Copy !req
418. That gets my ovaries clapping
and my bung hole flapping
Copy !req
419. 'cause—
Copy !req
420. - All right.
Let's get this over with.
Copy !req
421. - Come out, little bear.
This won't hurt much.
Copy !req
422. It's just a little genocide.
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423. - I've got you now.
Copy !req
424. Nothing like killing an animal
at his moment of climax.
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425. - Don't you shoot my bear!
Copy !req
426. No!
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427. - I wish I knew what it was like
to lose a child.
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428. - Khloe?
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429. - Yeah, khloe.
I hate that hairy ape.
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430. - Malloy, you were
my best friend. I loved you.
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431. Why did I try to find
a new friend when my true friend
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432. Was right here, and now my fake
friend killed my only friend?
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433. - Jesus, you're a pussy.
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434. But if you're here calling me
a pussy...
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435. Who is...
What is...
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436. Ew, god damn it, that's ugly.
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437. Why the hell is she wearing
a strap-on?
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438. - I had to save my ass
by giving up my ass.
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439. Yeah, I'm the only kinky freak
around here.
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440. - 1:00 on the dot.
You lose, woody.
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441. - The deal was you had
to kill malloy within one hour.
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442. You killed another bear who was
way too ugly to live anyway.
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443. - I'll give you this much,
woody.
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444. You sure know how to get lucky.
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445. The park is yours.
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446. - I beat you,
you son of a bitch!
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447. hey, woody.
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448. - Well, look who finally decided
to show up—batman.
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449. - You do know that's not batman,
right?
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450. - I think I know batman.
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451. He's been sneaking in my window
and fingering my bat cave
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452. Ever since I was a little boy.
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453. - Today I learned a valuable
lesson about friendship.
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454. It is better not to have
any friends,
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455. So I'm just going to continue
being an asshole.
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456. Oh, and I also learned that some
guy dressed in a batman suit
Copy !req
457. Molested me as a child.
Copy !req
458. - Now that mallory's gone,
Copy !req
459. I'm pretty excited
to be the last of my species.
Copy !req
460. People will pay big money
to see me.
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461. - Well, you're not exactly
the last, malloy.
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462. - Thanks to the artificial
bear womb I got on skymall,
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463. Malloy's child will be born
any second.
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464. - Ooh, I'm going to be
a grandfather!
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465. - Uh, woody, can I get
a smaller ranger uniform?
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466. This one doesn't fit me anymore.
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467. - Oh, Jesus.
What the hell happened to you?
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468. What do you got,
all the aids?
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469. - No, I've been throwing up
every day
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470. Since I ate malloy's semen.
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471. - You did what?
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472. - Don't worry,
I knew you'd be mad,
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473. So I replaced it
with my semen.
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474. - Oh, my god.
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475. Kill me!
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476. - Got the only one.
I am a god now.
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477. - Uh, that's definitely
for the best.
Copy !req
478. - Ha ha!
I love that guy.
Copy !req