1. Greetings, Shit for Brain,
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2. Dances with Rhythm,
Morning After,
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3. and Gay Buffalo.
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4. Big Chief Horse Dick
come bearing big news.
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5. 15 years after being
shut down,
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6. we're finally reopening
Camp Brickleberry,
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7. and you're all gonna be
camp counselors.
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8. - Yes!
- Yes!
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9. Woody, this park is
a dangerous place for children.
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10. So is your uterus.
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11. Jackubowski
wants the camp reopened.
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12. And it gives
the park a chance
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13. to make a buttload of money
off some sucker parents.
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14. So you sure as shit
better show them a good time.
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15. So we're supposed to chase
these kids around
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16. and do all this extra work?
What do we get?
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17. Well, the counselor
whose tribe is voted the best
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18. at the end of the week wins...
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19. the legendary tribal shield.
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20. Like anyone with a brain
could be motivated
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21. by a painted trash can lid.
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22. - I'm winning this!
- No, it's mine!
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23. Hands off
my painted trash can lid!
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24. Settle down, morons!
Put these on.
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25. Woody, I, uh,
didn't get a shirt.
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26. There's no way I'm letting you
be a counselor again.
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27. You're the reason we had
to close the camp
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28. in the first place.
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29. What happened?
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30. I remember it like it happened
15 years ago.
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31. - Steve?
- Oh, sorry.
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32. I thought you guys
could see my brain movie.
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33. Every summer the entire camp
would compete against each other
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34. in the mother
of all camp competitions—
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35. the Gauntlet.
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36. - We're gonna lose.
- I know a shortcut.
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37. Are you sure
about this?
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38. This sign says
"mine field."
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39. Mine field, your field,
I don't care whose field it is.
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40. Get in there!
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41. This is gonna make
for a scary brain movie.
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42. All right, counselors,
look sharp.
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43. Here comes
that big, yellow bus.
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44. That's Connie.
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45. I'm so excited to be
a counselor again.
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46. Beat it, Steve.
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47. I told you you're not allowed
to be a counselor.
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48. Dachau killed
less campers than you.
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49. It'll be different
this time.
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50. I promise to be
the world's best counselor.
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51. Look at my shirt.
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52. "Free assgasms"?
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53. Whoops.
Have it on backwards.
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54. That's not all
you have on backwards.
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55. Come on, Woody.
Let me redeem myself.
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56. I promise this time I'll be
the world's best counselor,
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57. which means no kid
will get hurt on my watch.
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58. But if you need
some convincing...
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59. Oh, shut the up,
Steve.
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60. So what kind of camp
is this?
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61. Every kind!
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62. Fat camp, handicap camp,
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63. rich-kid camp,
and inner-city-delinquents camp.
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64. I sent a different brochure
to every demographic.
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65. "Come to fat camp,
or you'll end up like this."
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66. Hey!
I'm on a brochure.
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67. Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy,
oh, boy, oh, boy.
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68. The Gauntlet?
You're not letting the kids
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69. do that horrible event
again, are you?
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70. Hell, no, Steve.
Too dangerous.
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71. The Gauntlet is retired
forever.
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72. I just put it on the brochure
to get them little shits here.
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73. Whoa—
Welcome to Brickleberry,
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74. where your child's summer
won't be a bummer.
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75. I have to say, it looks much
different than the pictures.
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76. Don't you worry.
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77. This is gonna be the best summer
of your kid's life.
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78. I know it will because
of the money-back guarantee
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79. you put on the brochures.
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80. God damn it, I forgot
I put that on there.
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81. I got to stop getting
coked up at Kinko's.
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82. How, campers.
I'm big Chief Woody.
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83. Who's ready to have
the best summer ever
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84. and compete
for the legendary tribal shield?
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85. Let's just get you
sorted into your tribes.
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86. Anyone darker than raw umber,
go with Denzel.
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87. All right, Shawnees.
Show me some love.
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88. We gonna win
that tribal shield.
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89. Rich kids that look like
villains from an '80s movie,
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90. go with Ethel.
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91. Over here, Muskogees.
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92. We will crush
the other tribes!
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93. I'm Chad.
You probably recognize me.
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94. When I was seven,
I did a P'Zone commercial.
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95. Hate to break it to you,
but the rest of you are weirdos.
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96. You're going
with Connie.
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97. (all)
Aw.
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98. Yay, Cherokees.
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99. Yeah, I'm pretty sure
we're not gonna win anything.
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100. So where are my kids,
Woody?
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101. You killed them all,
remember?
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102. Get out of here, dumb-ass!
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103. Come on, Woody, everybody
deserves a second chance.
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104. He can be
my co-counselor.
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105. Yes!
Thanks, Connie.
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106. Fine, whatever.
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107. But not a single fatality,
you hear me, Steve?
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108. I won't let you
down, Woody.
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109. Holy shit.
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110. Don't worry
about a thing.
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111. This little guy's gonna get
extra-special treatment.
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112. Ooh, I like a man
with authority.
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113. And I like a woman
who can unhinge her jaw.
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114. - Ew!
- Beat it, you little shit!
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115. - Woody Johnson.
- I'm Tiffany.
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116. Well, Tiffany,
how's about you stick around
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117. and have dinner with me tonight
in my cabin?
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118. Ooh, it's a date.
See you then.
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119. Hold it, honky.
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120. What are you doing
with the black kids?
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121. I am black.
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122. I have a pigmentation disorder
that causes my—
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123. All right,
Albino Roker.
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124. Just get over there
with the rest of the weirdos.
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125. Okay, kids,
now, remember,
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126. Chief Woody will be watching
and keeping tabs.
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127. Everything you do well
earns your tribe
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128. valuable points
for the tribal shield.
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129. Malloy here
will be keeping score.
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130. On it.
Points!
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131. Now it's time for a tour
of our wilderness wonderland.
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132. Here is where the two best
cooks in the county
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133. will delight your taste buds—
our mess hall.
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134. - Oh, mess hall.
- Yeah, that makes more sense.
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135. Above you is our
state-of-the-art ropes course.
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136. This doesn't look anything
like the brochure.
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137. Where are the arcades
and the 100-foot waterslides?
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138. We have waterslides!
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139. Don't look
at that.
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140. Why can't
we play outside?
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141. Yeah, Steve,
it's a beautiful day.
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142. It's way too dangerous
out there.
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143. Steve,
the best counselor ever,
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144. is going to keep
his kids safe.
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145. Besides, we can do
fun camp activities right here.
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146. See?
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147. Aah! No.
You could choke on that.
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148. Mmm, mmm.
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149. Steve,
this is ridiculous.
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150. These kids can't spend
their whole week of camp
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151. locked up in a cabin.
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152. Connie, my kids
aren't stepping foot
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153. out of this cabin,
and that's final.
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154. (kids)
Aww!
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155. All right, campers.
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156. Time for an exciting hike
past the Brickleberry whirlpool!
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157. I haven't had a group of kids
watch me poop
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158. since I paid money to have
a group of kids watch me poop.
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159. Ooh, it must be nice
to sit down to a relaxing dinner
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160. after being the big,
strong boss all day.
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161. - Oh, it's starting to tingle.
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162. How's your ham-and-cheddar
Lean Pocket?
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163. Ooh, it's delicious,
Woody.
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164. Woody,
are you in there?
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165. I was just about to be.
What the hell do you want?
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166. One of my campers
went missing.
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167. I can't find her
anywhere.
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168. There you are.
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169. What?
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170. Tiffany, you're supposed
to be in your cabin.
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171. I was worried sick,
young lady.
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172. Uh, you're a kid?
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173. I promised your mother
you'd wear your retainer.
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174. Lucky for you,
I have it right here.
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175. What are you doing
in Woody's cabin
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176. at this hour anyway?
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177. Oh, I found her
wandering around in the woods,
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178. so I took her in
to make sure she was safe.
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179. It is dangerous
around here.
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180. Oh, yeah, a lot of creepy,
old perverts right in this area.
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181. Malloy!
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182. Let's get you back
to your cabin.
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183. Thanks for
the special evening, Woody.
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184. Ooh, cock-blocked
by an AMBER Alert.
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185. That's got to sting.
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186. All right, kids,
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187. who's ready
for some waterless, indoor,
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188. use-your-imagination
swimming?
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189. Oh, my God,
where are they?
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190. What do you think
you're doing?
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191. We're just playing
flashlight tag.
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192. In the dark?
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193. Somebody's
gonna get hurt.
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194. Oh!
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195. See?
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196. Everybody
back inside!
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197. No, we're not going
back inside.
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198. And I don't want you to be
my co-counselor anymore.
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199. You want to split up
the tribe? Fine.
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200. Let's let the kids decide
who they want to be with—
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201. me, the world's
best counselor, or—
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202. Connie.
We pick Connie.
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203. What?
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204. I guess you four
are my only campers.
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205. At least you guys
like me.
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206. We don't like you.
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207. You have our insulin.
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208. And don't you
forget it.
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209. What's
"contaminated" mean?
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210. Oh, uh, that's just the name
of the lake.
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211. Lake Con-tah-mih-na-ted.
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212. It's Algonquin.
It means, uh—
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213. It means get off
my ass!
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214. Negative points!
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215. Wha—we can do that?
We can do negative points?
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216. On it.
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217. Leeches!
Aah! Get them off me!
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218. This shit don't never happen
with fire hydrants, man!
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219. Keep having fun,
everybody.
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220. Hi, Woody.
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221. Hello, camper kid
I don't know.
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222. I see you're not wearing
your retainer.
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223. Can you do my front?
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224. I, uh—
I got to go.
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225. Hey!
It's Ratatouille.
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226. You want to help me
finish this chili, little buddy?
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227. Okay, fat-camp kids,
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228. you're having brown rice
for lunch—
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229. one grain each.
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230. I'm starving.
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231. Who's gonna win
that tribal shield?
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232. (children)
Muskogees.
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233. Nice camp spirit.
Points!
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234. Points!
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235. How about
my tribe, Woody?
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236. Well, no race riots yet.
Points!
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237. Points!
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238. - What's the matter, Steve?
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239. Kill some more campers?
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240. Probably for the best.
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241. Nobody's beating us
for that tribal shield.
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242. Muskogees rule!
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243. You here to try
and cheer me up?
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244. No, you still have
our insulin.
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245. We're all on the edge
of diabetic shock.
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246. I was just trying
to be a great counselor,
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247. and you all hate me.
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248. I'm not fit
to wear this shirt.
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249. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
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250. - We don't hate you.
- Really?
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251. Being a great counselor isn't
about locking us in a cabin.
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252. If we wanted
to be smothered,
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253. we could have stayed at home
with our parents.
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254. You got to relax.
Let us have some fun.
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255. You're right.
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256. I thought being
the world's best counselor
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257. meant keeping you safe,
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258. but it really means giving you
the best summer ever,
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259. even if it means
a little danger.
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260. Let's go have some fun!
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261. Wait.
You forgot your sunscreen.
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262. No, Steve.
Let it go.
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263. Oh, God!
I'm burning!
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264. I'm burning!
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265. You smell
delicious.
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266. Yes!
Burn, normal-size people!
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267. Burn!
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268. (Woody)
Listen, dickhead,
you don't tell me what to do.
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269. We are not going to jail again
because of you.
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270. Don't give me
that look, now.
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271. Aw, I can't stay mad
at you.
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272. You want to kiss
and make up?
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273. Come here.
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274. Aah!
It's a white walker!
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275. (Denzel)
Okay, let me tell y'all
a ghost story.
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276. Legend has it
that right over that hill
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277. is a cursed Native American
burial ground.
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278. And any dead thing
that's buried there
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279. comes back to life.
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280. I hate
true ghost stories.
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281. But the ground is sour.
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282. And when the dead come back,
they ain't the same.
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283. They eat mother
brains!
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284. (all)
Boo!
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285. Listen up, Muskogees.
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286. Chief Woody says
the winner of this event
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287. gets 50 tribal shield
points!
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288. Yeah, sure, whatever.
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289. This will be
the most goddamn important
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290. potato-sack race
of your lives!
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291. I don't have a partner.
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292. Chief Woody would love
to be your partner.
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293. Yeah, come hop
in the sack with me.
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294. It's tight inside,
but it's warm.
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295. T-t-t-t-tight?
W-w-w-warm?
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296. Points!
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297. Aah!
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298. Down boy!
Down boy!
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299. Ooh! Whoa!
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300. Not so big now, are you?
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301. Hello, Woody.
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302. Tiffany, shouldn't you be
with the other campers?
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303. There's something
between us, Woody.
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304. Don't you feel it?
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305. That's my raging
frozen penis.
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306. I mean
I didn't notice.
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307. Besides,
you're just a kid.
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308. Not for much longer.
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309. I turn 18
in two days.
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310. You do?
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311. Think you can last
till then?
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312. (Ethel)
Woody, we have
a problem.
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313. I know. We blew through
our liquid-nitrogen budget.
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314. The campers
hate it here.
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315. My kids
are having fun.
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316. Now, see?
Now, why can't your kids
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317. be more like
Steve's four happy "queerdos"?
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318. The rest of the kids are saying
that they want to go home.
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319. No one is going home!
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320. I'm not giving
any goddamn refunds.
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321. Hello, Mom?
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322. This place sucks nuts.
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323. [high-pitched voice]
Which is a good thing
because I'm gay.
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324. (woman)
What? You're dead to me!
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325. Kids, don't make me
take away points
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326. on the tribal shield
'cause of low morale.
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327. There's nothing in here—
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328. just all these drawings
of hairy footballs!
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329. - Malloy!
- Ain't I a stinker?
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330. The point system
is bullshit.
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331. This is no fun.
We want to go home.
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332. All right.
All right!
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333. You kids want fun?
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334. Let's have
some goddamn fun!
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335. Tomorrow we are going to
unretire an old camp tradition—
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336. a little blood-and-guts
obstacle course
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337. that we like to call
the Gauntlet.
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338. - Woody, no!
- Shut up, Steve.
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339. It's the most treacherous
obstacle course known to man.
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340. And since my points system
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341. has been revealed
as complete bullshit,
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342. the winner of the Gauntlet will
be awarded the tribal shield!
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343. I want that shield,
do you hear me?
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344. Yeah!
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345. We can't wait to compete
in the Gauntlet.
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346. No way.
You four won't be competing.
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347. It's too dangerous.
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348. We deserve
a chance to win.
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349. We're gonna do it
whether you like it or not.
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350. Well, you can't compete
if you don't have a counselor.
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351. And guess what.
I quit.
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352. You are
the worst counselor ever.
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353. Watch me poop!
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354. I call that one
When the Towers Fell.
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355. Would the shit stain wearing
the hoodie in 90-degree weather
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356. report to the ranger station
immediately?
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357. Hey, man, what gives?
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358. You were just blowing up
my spot back there.
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359. I don't understand
what the you just said,
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360. but listen and listen good.
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361. Tiffany is my piece.
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362. Then why is she going
to the camp dance with me?
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363. Find a girl your own age.
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364. Got to be a graveyard
somewhere nearby.
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365. Are you gonna kill him?
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366. No, I'm not giving that little
bastard's parents a refund.
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367. Well, the one thing Chad
does have is youth.
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368. If you want to impress Tiffany
at tonight's dance,
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369. you need to learn
how to act younger.
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370. Well, how the hell
do I do that?
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371. Trust me, I know what the kids
are into these days.
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372. Malloy, are you sure
about this?
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373. Just relax.
I'll tell you what to say.
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374. Woody?
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375. Tiffany, uh...
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376. You looking cray cray like
a noob says no one ever come
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377. at me, bro,
that's what's up.
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378. - Okay?
- Whoa.
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379. I didn't know Hot Topic
gave a senior discount.
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380. Malloy,
I am about to put my fist
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381. up this P'Zone punk's
asshole!
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382. Woody, these days kids use
their feet, not their fists.
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383. Challenge him
to a dance-off!
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384. Tell him this...
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385. You messed
with the wrong BFF
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386. says no one ever
this wanksta's swaggy hundo-p.
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387. Aah! Oh!
Oh, my back!
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388. Oh, hiya, Chad.
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389. What's a child like you doing
out of your cabin at this hour?
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390. Where's Tiffany?
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391. I wrote her a song
for her birthday.
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392. Not happening,
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393. but I know someone else
who'd love to hear it.
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394. Ma? Dad?
What are you doing here?
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395. You're in big trouble,
young man.
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396. Mr. Johnson told us
what you did.
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397. What did I do?
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398. No son of mine
is gonna jack off a raccoon
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399. unless I get to watch
with a hairbrush up my ass.
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400. Right, honey?
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401. Well, ain't you gonna open
your present?
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402. Why did you get me
a cane?
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403. Because after tonight, you are
going to be walking funny.
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404. It's almost time.
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405. (both)
Three, two, one.
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406. Yeah!
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407. (Woody)
Happy birthday!
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408. What the hell is this?
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409. We're getting ready
for the Gauntlet.
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410. How?
You don't have a counselor.
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411. Yeah, we do.
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412. Woody assigned us
this guy.
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413. F-first lesson.
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414. F-f-fire can't hurt you
when you're—
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415. when you're drunk.
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416. Are you nuts?
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417. You can't run the Gauntlet
with that drunken hobo.
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418. Sure,
we might die.
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419. But that's better than
giving up like you did.
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420. And who else would run
with us?
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421. I will.
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422. I didn't realize winning
this thing meant so much to you.
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423. We've never won
anything before.
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424. Well, it's not
going to be easy.
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425. Look at those kids
over there.
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426. (Steve)
They're bigger, faster,
stronger, blacker.
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427. Now look at yourselves—
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428. An albino, a crazy midget,
a clubfoot gimp,
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429. and a Puerto Rican
blind kid.
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430. What?
I'm a Puerto Rican?
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431. My parents told me
I was Japanese.
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432. Guys, we're going to go out
there and win tomorrow.
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433. Do you know why?
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434. Because your legs,
eyes, skin,
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435. and general appearance
may be crippled.
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436. But you know what isn't?
Your hearts.
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437. Ho—Hobo Larry's
gonna show you
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438. how to ge—ge—
get a good stretch
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439. and a—
and a fr—free breakfast.
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440. All right, kids, the only rule
of the Gauntlet is—
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441. no rules!
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442. First team to grab
the flag wins.
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443. On your mark, get set...
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444. - Gauntlet!
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445. We don't stand
a chance.
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446. We're never
going to win.
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447. Not necessarily.
I know a shortcut.
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448. Hey, isn't that how
your campers got killed?
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449. Yes, but it's
the perfect plan.
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450. It's time we use your
disabilities to our advantage.
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451. We made it.
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452. No, that's just the entrance
to the shortcut.
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453. To the death cave!
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454. Glow-in-the-dark skin!
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455. Who's the weirdo now?
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456. Still you.
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457. Whoa!
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458. Ugh!
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459. Just wanted you
to feel included.
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460. There's the finish line!
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461. The tribal shield
is as good as mi—
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462. We did it.
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463. We did it!
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464. One, two, three, four.
No dead kids!
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465. I can't believe
I'm saying this,
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466. but Steve's tribe
is the winner!
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467. Is this a
trash can lid?
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468. Here you go,
Steve.
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469. You finally
deserve this.
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470. You are the world's
best counselor.
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471. Wow.
Thanks, guys.
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472. To be honest,
we all were pretty sure
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473. you'd find some way
to kill us.
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474. I think this shrunk up
a little.
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475. - Aah!
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476. You must feel terrible
for killing all those kids...
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477. again.
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478. Actually, I feel fine.
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479. Last night
I put their bodies
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480. in that Native American burial
ground that raises the dead.
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481. Steve, you dumb-ass,
that was just a ghost story.
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482. Oh, yeah?
Tell that to them.
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483. Oh, Garebear,
I missed you!
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484. Oh,
let's not bite.
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485. Sharon?
Is that you?
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486. Woody!
So nice to see you.
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487. What are you doing here?
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488. I haven't seen you
since we—
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489. Had unprotected sex 18 years
and 9 months ago to the day?
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490. Oh, I'm here picking up
my daughter Tiffany.
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491. - What?
- Oh, there she is now.
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492. Tiffany, sweetie.
Have you met Mr. Johnson?
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493. I sure have.
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494. Ow.
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495. Ow.
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496. Ow.
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497. I'm gonna kill you,
you son of a bitch!
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498. Aah!
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499. Ooh!
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500. Aah!
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