Brickleberry 3x1

1. - Congratulations, billy.

2. You win most handicapped.

3. - This is bullshit!

4. - And now, the award for coolest,

5. Most popular kid in school goes to...

6. Woody johnson.

7. Did you forget something, son?

8. The only award you'll win is weirdest looking balls.

9. - Damn!

10. His balls look like they mad at each other.

11. - More bad news, mr. Johnson.

12. I called your mother.

13. - No!

14. Woody, you've been a bad boy.

15. - Ah, ah, ah!

16. - Woody! - No, mommy! Don't hurt me!

17. - Ouch! - Don't hurt me, mommy!

18. - Another nightmare?

19. - Yeah. Sorry, little buddy.

20. - Oh, that's nice.

21. No, I'm sure "sorry" stops brain swelling.

22. - Well, at least I didn't break my award.

23. - Good morning, rangers.

24. I got great news.

25. - Jeez, woody, you look terrible.

26. Did you sleep last night?

27. - I slept perfectly normal.

28. - Yep, 20 minutes of sleep,

29. 7 hours of intense screaming.

30. - Sounds like ethel breaking in her vibrator.

31. Wait, I'm ethel. Sorry, I'm drunk.

32. - Oh, enough about my night terrors.

33. - So, that's why you're always so irritable.

34. - I am not irritable!

35. - Tell that to your bowels.

36. You get it?

37. - Oh, ha ha.

38. I guess crohn's disease is funny now.

39. Oh, damn it, I just shit myself.

40. Anyway, I got great news.

41. - You bought us all betty white fleshlights?

42. - No. - You bought me

43. A betty white fleshlight?

44. - No! Someone's coming.

45. - I will be, if I get my betty white fleshlight.

46. - Shut up! President obama's coming

47. To brickleberry.

48. - Oh, no.

49. He found me.

50. - What are you talking about?

51. - Obama is really into me...

52. Sexually.

53. - Can I shoot her?

54. - Connie, stop being psycho.

55. - Yeah, you expect us to believe that a black guy

56. Could be into a fat, white woman?

57. - Can I shoot him?

58. - Do us a favor. - Everyone, shut up.

59. The president is coming to honor me

60. For 30 years' perfect attendance as a park ranger.

61. - Hold on, I'm trying to give a.

62. Nope, not happening.

63. - We gotta make sure that nothing happens

64. To ruin my big day.

65. Denzel, you're in charge of security and—

66. - Wait a minute, woody, you don't even like obama.

67. - What? I love obama.

68. Now, you and connie are in charge

69. Of disposing of all my anti-obama paraphernalia.

70. - What's my assignment, woody?

71. - Steve, you have the most important job of all.

72. I need you to travel to king's landing

73. And bring me the head of tyrion lannister.

74. - King's landing—is that near the cheesecake factory?

75. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.

76. - But I'll miss your big ceremony, woody.

77. - Yeah, that's the point, dumb-ass.

78. There's no way I'm letting you

79. Embarrass me in front of the president.

80. - When have I ever been an embarrassment?

81. - How about the time you got drunk at christmas mass?

82. - So you're a virgin, huh?

83. - What?

84. - I was talking to the donkey.

85. - I can't believe woody, of all people,

86. Is getting to meet the president.

87. - Trust me, it's not that big of a deal.

88. - Connie, do you really expect me to believe

89. That you know the president? - I do.

90. I worked on his campaign as the media consultant.

91. He wanted me so bad that he tried to fire me,

92. But he couldn't because he was so hot for my body.

93. - Wait a minute.

94. You're describing the tv show scandal.

95. - I know. They based that show on my life.

96. - Connie, you've lost touch with reality again.

97. Remember that time you told everyone oprah

98. Was gonna leave stedman for you? - She was!

99. She said she wanted to make my clitoris the color purple.

100. - What do you think, malloy?

101. I got these to impress the president.

102. Do they make me look smarter?

103. - Smarter than what?

104. This table? No.

105. - Denzel, what the hell are you doing?

106. - Security measure.

107. I've got to take this tv to my place

108. To check it out for, uh, north Korean dirty bombs.

109. - Uh-oh, check the even bigger one in my bedroom.

110. - Code red! Code red!

111. - It's a zenith.

112. - Oh, that shit.

113. - Hey, woody, I got it.

114. - What the, steve?

115. You cut off peter dinklage's head?

116. - Yeah, just like you asked.

117. He kept screaming, "I'm just a bad actor!

118. "it's a role I play on a television show!

119. Ugh, why are you doing this to me?"

120. but I just kept sawing.

121. - Oh, fine, mount it with the rest of 'em.

122. - So can I go to your ceremony now?

123. - No! I have another job for you.

124. I need you to dig an escape tunnel for the president

125. With this... Plastic spoon. - Where to?

126. - Back to kenya where he came from!

127. I mean, I love obama.

128. - Hey, cool glasses.

129. hi, I'm professor steve williams.

130. - Give me those! - Hey!

131. - My fake smart guy glasses!

132. Steve! - Off to dig the tunnel.

133. - I swear to god,

134. If I have to spend another second with that dipshit,

135. I'll shoot him!

136. - So you think I should spend more time with woody?

137. - Absolutely.

138. - And once he gets to know me better

139. And we become best friends,

140. He'll invite me to his big ceremony?

141. - Of course he will, and make sure to use lots of rap lingo.

142. Ah, he loves that. - Thanks, malloy.

143. Now, excuse me while I finish this tunnel to kenya.

144. I'm al—

145. - Can you tell us how to get to the cheesecake factory?

146. - Bodean, I can't believe obama's coming here.

147. Are you as pissed off as I am?

148. - No, I voted for obama.

149. - What did you say?

150. - I said I voted for— ow!

151. - You been brainwashed.

152. What's that shit you been watching again?

153. - Downton abbey. - Brainwashed!

154. Bodean, listen to me.

155. These liberals are screwing up our country.

156. They're gonna ban smoking and junk food, take our guns,

157. And probably make us gay-marry each other.

158. - I kind of like obamacare. Ow!

159. - That's the worst part.

160. Even I could come up with a better health care plan.

161. - Why don't you do it then?

162. - Maybe I will.

163. Why the hell did you vote for obama anyway?

164. - Because income inequality is a very significant social issue,

165. And it's reinforced by a series of regressive tax reforms

166. Foisted upon us by right-wingers.

167. - I'm awake, bodean. - I know.

168. - Thank you, mr. President.

169. No. Thank you, mr. President.

170. No. Thank you, mr. President!

171. No, you're gonna screw it up, johnson.

172. - Hey, player, I thought wiggity-we

173. Should spend a little tiggity-time togevah.

174. Just big dubs and run-dm-steve.

175. - Steve, I will murder you.

176. - Wanna watch willy wizzle and the chizzle fizzle?

177. I rented it on blu-rizzle.

178. - I'm warning you, steve.

179. give him the pie.

180. - Oh, I made you a p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-

181. P-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh- p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-pie!

182. - Yes!

183. - Uh-ohh, my p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-pie.

184. Oh, no. Malloy, call an ambu-lizzle!

185. - woody, I have good news

186. And bad news and super bad news.

187. - What's the super bad news?

188. Ben affleck is the new batman.

189. - Who gives a shit? What about me?

190. - Woody, you destroyed your liver,

191. Totally, well, it up.

192. The good news is, I have a donor liver right here.

193. - Oh, that's great, doc.

194. - The bad news is that according to page 2,242

195. Of the obamacare manual,

196. This liver must go to a gay, illegal immigrant.

197. - Holy shit, fox news was right.

198. - Woody, since we can't find you a liver,

199. You'll be sharing one.

200. - Share a liver? With who?

201. - Hey, liver buddy! - What?

202. You attached me to this moron?

203. Why didn't you just put me on dialysis?

204. - Trust me, woody, I tried.

205. Isn't that right, dialysis?

206. - Ain't nobody getting on dialysis

207. Unless they put a ring on it.

208. - If you had to sew me to someone,

209. Why did you have to pick captain dumb-ass?

210. - Well, woody, he was the only one who would volunteer.

211. - 'cause that's what friends do.

212. - If you were a real friend,

213. You would have just given me your liver and died.

214. - This is even better.

215. Now we can really get to know each other.

216. - Doc, when can you saw this talking tumor off of me?

217. I got an event to go to. - Let's see.

218. Actually, it says here that if a gay, illegal immigrant

219. Does not need the liver within 48 hours,

220. Huh, it's all yours.

221. - Great, just in time to get my award.

222. - Speaking of awards,

223. Have I shown you my bruce jenner "horrors of medicine" trophy?

224. - There goes our number one tourist attraction.

225. - "gimme, gimme some of that big, flappy ass."

226. - Ew! Who is that from?

227. - Ugh, barack.

228. - Let me get this straight.

229. The president of the United States of america

230. Just texted, "gimme, gimme some of that big, floppy ass"?

231. - No, he said, "flappy."

232. - Let me see that.

233. There's nothing there.

234. - I know. He used a snapchat.

235. - Connie, you better cut out this nonsense

236. Before the president gets here,

237. Or you could get into some real trouble.

238. - It's not nonsense, ethel, I swear.

239. "flap, flap, flappy ass.

240. "gimme that big, flappy ass.

241. "gimme, gimme flappy dappy, floppity,

242. Suckin' titties."

243. Snapchat.

244. - Welcome to o'bobbycare.

245. Now just sign here, and give me your premium.

246. - Okay, bobby. - This is easier than I thought.

247. As long as you don't get hurt, everything will be okay.

248. - I got a pencil stuck in my eye, bobby.

249. - Jesus, bodean, you gotta be careful.

250. - Now I got two pencils stuck in my eye, bobby.

251. - Stop sticking pencils in your eye.

252. Damn it, bodean.

253. - What? Pens too?

254. - Ow! - Oopsie.

255. - Steve, turn left. - My left or your left?

256. - They're the same goddamn left.

257. - ah,

258. - Shit! Steve, get your ass up.

259. As you can all see, I have grown a dork.

260. - Woody, tell me if this hurts.

261. - Shouldn't you two still be in the hospital?

262. - What? And ruin my perfect attendance record?

263. Hell, no. It's business as usual.

264. Now let's get ser—

265. - Tickle fight. - Stop!

266. I swear to god, steve.

267. - why are you so mean, mr. Grumpy lumps?

268. - Ahh!

269. - Now let's have a party.

270. Denzel, security report.

271. - I took all your electronics down to the pawn shop.

272. Uh, yeah, they defuse dirty bombs down there.

273. - Good job. Okay, that's lunch, everybody.

274. Come on, liver boy, we're going to hooters.

275. - Sorry, I practice over lunch, and I can't miss it.

276. - Practice what?

277. - Oh, I hate a capella.

278. - A capella sucks! Stop it. Stop it.

279. How about I wash yours,

280. And you wash mine?

281. - No!

282. - Hmm. Do you have insurance?

283. - Yep, he's right there.

284. - Okay, here we go.

285. That'll be $1,200.

286. - $1,200? - Don't thank me.

287. Thank the greatest health care system in the world.

288. - That's it, bodean.

289. I am dropping you from o'bobbycare.

290. - Well, according to page one of the o'bobbycare manual,

291. You can't do that, bobby. - Damn it.

292. Please tell me there's nothing else wrong with you.

293. - Don't worry, bobby— I just got high blood pressure,

294. High sugar, diverticulitis, colitis,

295. Gingivitis, bieber fever, and sores on my peter.

296. No, no, mommy.

297. - Wow, I don't know what you did,

298. But that is the best night of sleep I've had

299. Since my mom starved me into a coma.

300. I feel incredible.

301. - Wait till you try this.

302. It's like a coconut angel took a shit in my mouth.

303. - Thanks. - You know what, steve?

304. I never thought I'd say it,

305. But I'm starting to hate you a little less.

306. - Whoo! Yeah!

307. All right!

308. - Oh, yeah.

309. - Well, I guess our 48 hours is almost up.

310. - If I had to be surgically attached to anybody,

311. I'm glad it was you, steve.

312. - Really? Thanks, buddy.

313. - Well, it's time, woody. Lucky for you,

314. There's not one single gay, illegal immigrant

315. Who needs a liver today.

316. - My liver exploded.

317. - Oh, not good.

318. Are you familiar with a medical term called "jinxing"?

319. Looks like you'll be stuck with steve for your event.

320. - God damn it, no! How could this happen to me?

321. - Woody, what's the big deal?

322. We'll just go together.

323. - What's the big deal?

324. I've told you a thousand times, steve!

325. I don't want you there!

326. - But I-I thought things were different now.

327. I thought you liked me.

328. - Nothing is different.

329. I was just making the best of a shitty situation.

330. I don't like you, and I never will!

331. - You don't deserve a friend like me.

332. - Can you fellows take this argument someplace else?

333. I have an illegal to operate on.

334. - I need anesthesia.

335. Anesthesia?

336. - What you want, mother? I'm trying to sleep.

337. - Nom, nom, nom, nom, mmm, mmm.

338. - What the hell are you eating? - Raw bacon.

339. - You can't eat raw bacon.

340. - All right, then, I'll just drink this 94-ounce coca-cola.

341. Raw bacon makes me thirsty.

342. - Well, I'm banning big sodas, raw bacon, and anything else

343. That'll you up, including guns.

344. - Guns? What am I gonna put in my mouth when I jack off?

345. Why are you doing this, bobby?

346. - 'cause if you get sick or hurt,

347. I'ma have to pay for it, you dumb son of a bitch.

348. - You know what?

349. O'bobbycare took away everything I love.

350. Obama would never hurt me like this.

351. Oh!

352. - Yeah, he's a real jerk.

353. I can't stand him.

354. No. He's right next to me

355. With his big, stupid kathleen turner mustache.

356. - you. That's not even a real phone.

357. - See what I'm dealing with?

358. - Down syndrome?

359. I've got a surprise for you, steve.

360. - What's in the box?

361. - I think we're all hoping it's gwyneth paltrow's head.

362. - Oh, you'll see.

363. It's my plan to keep you from screwing up my event

364. And make me look like a hero in the process.

365. - Woody? Woody, no.

366. No, no, no, no! What are you doing?

367. - Ah, here is the man of the hour.

368. - Hey, great to see you.

369. - And who is your guest? - This is a cancer kid.

370. I saved his life,

371. Had him sewn to me, so he could share my liver.

372. The cancer took his.

373. - Dear god. What's your name, son?

374. - Uh-

375. Did I mention he's also a mute and pretty much brain dead?

376. - So he's brain dead and a mute?

377. - Well, he wasn't born a mute.

378. He had tonsil cancer.

379. - Oh, I thought he had liver cancer.

380. - Oh, he does. He's getting it from both ends.

381. Cancer's running a train on this brain-dead bastard.

382. - Well, have a splendid time.

383. - This sucks. I'll never forgive you for this.

384. - You just keep your mouth shut.

385. You're not screwing this up for me, you annoying waste of space!

386. Oh, hello, senator varnadoe.

387. - And who is this with you?

388. - Just a shit-for-brains cancer mute.

389. He'll be dead soon, so just pretend he's not here.

390. - Crab cakes, gentlemen? - Not for me.

391. I'm highly allergic.

392. - Yes, this is truly an honor.

393. Whoa, did it get hot in here?

394. - Mr. Johnson, are you feeling okay?

395. - Yeah, yeah, I never felt better.

396. - Attention, everyone, the president has arrived.

397. - Now remember, connie, keep in touch with reality.

398. - You'll see.

399. Hello, barry. - Connie!

400. - Uh, I'm sorry, do I know you? - You should.

401. You've sent me over a hundred dirty texts in the last week,

402. You pervert!

403. Who is this guy? He's funny.

404. - Leave me alone. I mean it.

405. No, no.

406. - Hello, connie.

407. Do you know how hard it was to pretend

408. I didn't know you back there?

409. I had to make up this stupid award just to get close to you.

410. - No, barry. I've told you a hundred times, I'm a lesbian.

411. Oh! - so was michelle.

412. I like a challenge.

413. You smell like a petting zoo on a hot Sunday.

414. - Stop it.

415. - I remember the first day we met.

416. I was intoxicated by that big, pasty ass.

417. I've been chasing that ginger dragon ever since.

418. - Barry, you're a married man. We can't.

419. - Yes, we can, connie.

420. Yes, we can.

421. - Mr. President, it's time to go on.

422. - Damn. I'll be right there.

423. I'll be back for that big flappy, dappy ass.

424. - Please welcome the president of the United States,

425. Barack obama.

426. - It's a privilege to be here on this special day

427. To honor a great american

428. In one of our nation's majestic national parks, brickleberry.

429. National parks are both big

430. And beautiful

431. And flappy dappy.

432. - The man is a good speaker.

433. - So without further adieu,

434. I'd like to introduce the man of the hour,

435. Accompanied by the brain-dead,

436. Mute cancer kid whose life he saved.

437. Ladies and gentlemen, mr. Woody johnson.

438. - Oh! Hey, look, it's lena dunham.

439. She's so brave.

440. - Now, this man not only saves

441. Cancer-stricken children's lives,

442. But more importantly, shows up for work every day,

443. And so I present this award to you.

444. - Thank you, mr. Presid—

445. - Usa, usa, usa!

446. - Oh, god, how did this happen?

447. - Hmm, it wasn't that tray of crab cakes I ate, was it?

448. - You did this?

449. You son of a bitch, you ruined the best day of my life!

450. - You wouldn't have a life if it wasn't for me.

451. I just wanted to be your friend,

452. And all you did was treat me like shit!

453. And you gave me cancer.

454. - I'm gonna kill you! - Not if I kill you first!

455. - Mr. Johnson, I'm from fox news.

456. I'd like to present you with our "man of the year" award

457. For puking all over the president.

458. Well done, sir.

459. - Oh, my god, I don't know what to say.

460. What an honor.

461. Well, this beats the shit out of a stupid presidential medal,

462. And I owe it all to my friend steve.

463. - We're friends? Really?

464. - You bet, buddy.

465. Sorry for being such a dick.

466. - I guess we all learned a good lesson today.

467. - Why don't you wash that lesson down

468. With some delicious crab cakes?

469. - Oh, great idea, malloy.

470. - No, steve, no! I'm highly allerg—

471. - Hey, bobby? - I told you, bodean,

472. I'm flat broke. I can't take you to the doctor.

473. - That's okay, bobby. The pain will go away

474. When I bleed out and die.

475. - I sure do wish you had dependable health coverage

476. Like I do.

477. - I didn't know you had health insurance.

478. - Yeah, after I spent all that money on your medical bills

479. And went broke, I qualified for obamacare.

480. It's awesome.

481. - Too bad there ain't no way to get on your policy.

482. - Well, there is one way.

483. - I now pronounce you husband and husband.

484. Have fun in hell.

485. - Well, good news, bodean,

486. You got insurance now, because we're officially married.

487. - It ain't official until we consummate it.

488. - Connie, you're lucky they didn't commit you.

489. - I was telling the truth the whole time.

490. Barack really does want me.

491. hello?

492. - Connie, I'm sorry I got swept away last night.

493. I'll be back for that flappy ass soon.

494. In the meantime, I sent a present to tide you over.

495. - Let me guess. That was "barry," right?

496. - Yep, and he said he sent me a present.

497. I wonder what it could—

498. Ew. Gross.

499. Obama sent me a dick pic.

500. - It's just a black screen. - It's a close up.