1. - Congratulations, billy.
Copy !req
2. You win most handicapped.
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3. - This is bullshit!
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4. - And now,
the award for coolest,
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5. Most popular kid in school
goes to...
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6. Woody johnson.
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7. Did you
forget something, son?
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8. The only award you'll win
is weirdest looking balls.
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9. - Damn!
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10. His balls look like
they mad at each other.
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11. - More bad news,
mr. Johnson.
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12. I called your mother.
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13. - No!
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14. Woody, you've been a bad boy.
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15. - Ah, ah, ah!
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16. - Woody!
- No, mommy! Don't hurt me!
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17. - Ouch!
- Don't hurt me, mommy!
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18. - Another nightmare?
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19. - Yeah.
Sorry, little buddy.
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20. - Oh, that's nice.
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21. No, I'm sure "sorry"
stops brain swelling.
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22. - Well, at least
I didn't break my award.
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23. - Good morning, rangers.
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24. I got great news.
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25. - Jeez, woody,
you look terrible.
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26. Did you sleep last night?
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27. - I slept perfectly normal.
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28. - Yep, 20 minutes of sleep,
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29. 7 hours of intense screaming.
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30. - Sounds like ethel
breaking in her vibrator.
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31. Wait, I'm ethel.
Sorry, I'm drunk.
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32. - Oh,
enough about my night terrors.
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33. - So, that's why
you're always so irritable.
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34. - I am not irritable!
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35. - Tell that to your bowels.
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36. You get it?
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37. - Oh, ha ha.
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38. I guess crohn's disease
is funny now.
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39. Oh, damn it,
I just shit myself.
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40. Anyway, I got great news.
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41. - You bought us all
betty white fleshlights?
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42. - No.
- You bought me
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43. A betty white fleshlight?
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44. - No!
Someone's coming.
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45. - I will be, if I get
my betty white fleshlight.
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46. - Shut up!
President obama's coming
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47. To brickleberry.
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48. - Oh, no.
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49. He found me.
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50. - What are you talking about?
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51. - Obama is really into me...
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52. Sexually.
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53. - Can I shoot her?
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54. - Connie, stop being psycho.
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55. - Yeah, you expect us to believe
that a black guy
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56. Could be
into a fat, white woman?
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57. - Can I shoot him?
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58. - Do us a favor.
- Everyone, shut up.
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59. The president is coming
to honor me
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60. For 30 years' perfect attendance
as a park ranger.
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61. - Hold on,
I'm trying to give a.
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62. Nope, not happening.
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63. - We gotta make sure
that nothing happens
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64. To ruin my big day.
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65. Denzel, you're in charge
of security and—
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66. - Wait a minute, woody,
you don't even like obama.
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67. - What?
I love obama.
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68. Now, you and connie
are in charge
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69. Of disposing of
all my anti-obama paraphernalia.
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70. - What's my assignment, woody?
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71. - Steve, you have
the most important job of all.
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72. I need you to travel
to king's landing
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73. And bring me the head
of tyrion lannister.
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74. - King's landing—is that
near the cheesecake factory?
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75. - Yeah, yeah, yeah,
whatever.
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76. - But I'll miss
your big ceremony, woody.
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77. - Yeah, that's the point,
dumb-ass.
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78. There's no way
I'm letting you
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79. Embarrass me
in front of the president.
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80. - When have I ever been
an embarrassment?
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81. - How about the time
you got drunk at christmas mass?
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82. - So you're a virgin, huh?
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83. - What?
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84. - I was talking
to the donkey.
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85. - I can't believe woody,
of all people,
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86. Is getting
to meet the president.
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87. - Trust me,
it's not that big of a deal.
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88. - Connie, do you really
expect me to believe
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89. That you know the president?
- I do.
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90. I worked on his campaign
as the media consultant.
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91. He wanted me so bad
that he tried to fire me,
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92. But he couldn't because
he was so hot for my body.
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93. - Wait a minute.
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94. You're describing
the tv show scandal.
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95. - I know.
They based that show on my life.
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96. - Connie, you've lost touch
with reality again.
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97. Remember that time
you told everyone oprah
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98. Was gonna leave stedman for you?
- She was!
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99. She said she wanted to make
my clitoris the color purple.
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100. - What do you think, malloy?
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101. I got these
to impress the president.
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102. Do they make me
look smarter?
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103. - Smarter than what?
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104. This table?
No.
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105. - Denzel,
what the hell are you doing?
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106. - Security measure.
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107. I've got
to take this tv to my place
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108. To check it out for, uh,
north Korean dirty bombs.
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109. - Uh-oh, check the even bigger
one in my bedroom.
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110. - Code red!
Code red!
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111. - It's a zenith.
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112. - Oh, that shit.
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113. - Hey, woody,
I got it.
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114. - What the, steve?
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115. You cut off
peter dinklage's head?
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116. - Yeah, just like you asked.
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117. He kept screaming,
"I'm just a bad actor!
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118. "it's a role I play
on a television show!
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119. Ugh, why are you
doing this to me?"
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120. but I just kept sawing.
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121. - Oh, fine,
mount it with the rest of 'em.
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122. - So can I go
to your ceremony now?
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123. - No!
I have another job for you.
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124. I need you to dig an escape
tunnel for the president
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125. With this... Plastic spoon.
- Where to?
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126. - Back to kenya
where he came from!
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127. I mean, I love obama.
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128. - Hey, cool glasses.
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129. hi,
I'm professor steve williams.
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130. - Give me those!
- Hey!
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131. - My fake smart guy glasses!
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132. Steve!
- Off to dig the tunnel.
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133. - I swear to god,
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134. If I have to spend another
second with that dipshit,
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135. I'll shoot him!
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136. - So you think I should spend
more time with woody?
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137. - Absolutely.
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138. - And once he gets
to know me better
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139. And we become
best friends,
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140. He'll invite me
to his big ceremony?
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141. - Of course he will, and make
sure to use lots of rap lingo.
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142. Ah, he loves that.
- Thanks, malloy.
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143. Now, excuse me while I finish
this tunnel to kenya.
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144. I'm al—
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145. - Can you tell us how to get
to the cheesecake factory?
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146. - Bodean, I can't believe
obama's coming here.
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147. Are you as pissed off
as I am?
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148. - No, I voted for obama.
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149. - What did you say?
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150. - I said I voted for—
ow!
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151. - You been brainwashed.
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152. What's that shit
you been watching again?
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153. - Downton abbey.
- Brainwashed!
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154. Bodean, listen to me.
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155. These liberals are screwing up
our country.
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156. They're gonna ban smoking
and junk food, take our guns,
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157. And probably make us
gay-marry each other.
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158. - I kind of like obamacare.
Ow!
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159. - That's the worst part.
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160. Even I could come up
with a better health care plan.
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161. - Why don't you do it then?
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162. - Maybe I will.
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163. Why the hell
did you vote for obama anyway?
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164. - Because income inequality is
a very significant social issue,
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165. And it's reinforced by a series
of regressive tax reforms
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166. Foisted upon us
by right-wingers.
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167. - I'm awake, bodean.
- I know.
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168. - Thank you,
mr. President.
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169. No.
Thank you, mr. President.
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170. No.
Thank you, mr. President!
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171. No, you're gonna screw it up,
johnson.
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172. - Hey, player,
I thought wiggity-we
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173. Should spend
a little tiggity-time togevah.
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174. Just big dubs
and run-dm-steve.
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175. - Steve, I will murder you.
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176. - Wanna watch willy wizzle
and the chizzle fizzle?
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177. I rented it on blu-rizzle.
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178. - I'm warning you, steve.
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179. give him the pie.
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180. - Oh, I made you
a p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-
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181. P-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-
p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-pie!
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182. - Yes!
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183. - Uh-ohh,
my p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-pie.
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184. Oh, no.
Malloy, call an ambu-lizzle!
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185. - woody, I have good news
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186. And bad news
and super bad news.
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187. - What's the super bad news?
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188. Ben affleck
is the new batman.
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189. - Who gives a shit?
What about me?
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190. - Woody, you destroyed
your liver,
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191. Totally, well, it up.
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192. The good news is, I have
a donor liver right here.
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193. - Oh, that's great, doc.
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194. - The bad news is
that according to page 2,242
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195. Of the obamacare manual,
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196. This liver must go
to a gay, illegal immigrant.
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197. - Holy shit,
fox news was right.
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198. - Woody, since we can't
find you a liver,
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199. You'll be sharing one.
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200. - Share a liver?
With who?
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201. - Hey, liver buddy!
- What?
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202. You attached me
to this moron?
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203. Why didn't you just
put me on dialysis?
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204. - Trust me, woody,
I tried.
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205. Isn't that right, dialysis?
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206. - Ain't nobody getting
on dialysis
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207. Unless they put
a ring on it.
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208. - If you had to sew me
to someone,
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209. Why did you have
to pick captain dumb-ass?
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210. - Well, woody, he was the only
one who would volunteer.
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211. - 'cause that's
what friends do.
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212. - If you were
a real friend,
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213. You would have just given me
your liver and died.
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214. - This is even better.
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215. Now we can really get
to know each other.
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216. - Doc, when can you saw
this talking tumor off of me?
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217. I got an event to go to.
- Let's see.
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218. Actually, it says here
that if a gay, illegal immigrant
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219. Does not need the liver
within 48 hours,
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220. Huh,
it's all yours.
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221. - Great, just in time
to get my award.
Copy !req
222. - Speaking of awards,
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223. Have I shown you my bruce jenner
"horrors of medicine" trophy?
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224. - There goes our number one
tourist attraction.
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225. - "gimme, gimme
some of that big, flappy ass."
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226. - Ew!
Who is that from?
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227. - Ugh, barack.
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228. - Let me get this straight.
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229. The president
of the United States of america
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230. Just texted, "gimme, gimme
some of that big, floppy ass"?
Copy !req
231. - No, he said, "flappy."
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232. - Let me see that.
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233. There's nothing there.
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234. - I know.
He used a snapchat.
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235. - Connie, you better
cut out this nonsense
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236. Before the president
gets here,
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237. Or you could get
into some real trouble.
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238. - It's not nonsense, ethel,
I swear.
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239. "flap, flap, flappy ass.
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240. "gimme that big, flappy ass.
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241. "gimme, gimme
flappy dappy, floppity,
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242. Suckin' titties."
Copy !req
243. Snapchat.
Copy !req
244. - Welcome to o'bobbycare.
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245. Now just sign here,
and give me your premium.
Copy !req
246. - Okay, bobby.
- This is easier than I thought.
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247. As long as you don't get hurt,
everything will be okay.
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248. - I got a pencil
stuck in my eye, bobby.
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249. - Jesus, bodean,
you gotta be careful.
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250. - Now I got two pencils
stuck in my eye, bobby.
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251. - Stop sticking pencils
in your eye.
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252. Damn it, bodean.
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253. - What?
Pens too?
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254. - Ow!
- Oopsie.
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255. - Steve, turn left.
- My left or your left?
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256. - They're the same goddamn left.
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257. - ah,
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258. - Shit!
Steve, get your ass up.
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259. As you can all see,
I have grown a dork.
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260. - Woody, tell me if this hurts.
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261. - Shouldn't you two still be
in the hospital?
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262. - What? And ruin
my perfect attendance record?
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263. Hell, no.
It's business as usual.
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264. Now let's get ser—
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265. - Tickle fight.
- Stop!
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266. I swear to god, steve.
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267. - why are you
so mean, mr. Grumpy lumps?
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268. - Ahh!
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269. - Now let's have
a party.
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270. Denzel, security report.
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271. - I took all your electronics
down to the pawn shop.
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272. Uh, yeah, they defuse
dirty bombs down there.
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273. - Good job.
Okay, that's lunch, everybody.
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274. Come on, liver boy,
we're going to hooters.
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275. - Sorry, I practice over lunch,
and I can't miss it.
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276. - Practice what?
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277. - Oh, I hate a capella.
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278. - A capella sucks!
Stop it. Stop it.
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279. How about I wash yours,
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280. And you wash mine?
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281. - No!
Copy !req
282. - Hmm.
Do you have insurance?
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283. - Yep, he's right there.
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284. - Okay, here we go.
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285. That'll be $1,200.
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286. - $1,200?
- Don't thank me.
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287. Thank the greatest health care
system in the world.
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288. - That's it, bodean.
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289. I am dropping you
from o'bobbycare.
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290. - Well, according to page one
of the o'bobbycare manual,
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291. You can't do that, bobby.
- Damn it.
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292. Please tell me there's
nothing else wrong with you.
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293. - Don't worry, bobby—
I just got high blood pressure,
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294. High sugar,
diverticulitis, colitis,
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295. Gingivitis, bieber fever,
and sores on my peter.
Copy !req
296. No, no, mommy.
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297. - Wow, I don't know
what you did,
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298. But that is
the best night of sleep I've had
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299. Since my mom
starved me into a coma.
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300. I feel incredible.
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301. - Wait till you try this.
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302. It's like a coconut angel
took a shit in my mouth.
Copy !req
303. - Thanks.
- You know what, steve?
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304. I never thought
I'd say it,
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305. But I'm starting
to hate you a little less.
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306. - Whoo! Yeah!
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307. All right!
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308. - Oh, yeah.
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309. - Well, I guess our 48 hours
is almost up.
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310. - If I had to be
surgically attached to anybody,
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311. I'm glad
it was you, steve.
Copy !req
312. - Really?
Thanks, buddy.
Copy !req
313. - Well, it's time, woody.
Lucky for you,
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314. There's not one single
gay, illegal immigrant
Copy !req
315. Who needs a liver today.
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316. - My liver exploded.
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317. - Oh, not good.
Copy !req
318. Are you familiar with
a medical term called "jinxing"?
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319. Looks like you'll be stuck
with steve for your event.
Copy !req
320. - God damn it, no!
How could this happen to me?
Copy !req
321. - Woody,
what's the big deal?
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322. We'll just go together.
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323. - What's the big deal?
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324. I've told you
a thousand times, steve!
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325. I don't want you there!
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326. - But I-I thought
things were different now.
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327. I thought you liked me.
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328. - Nothing is different.
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329. I was just making the best
of a shitty situation.
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330. I don't like you,
and I never will!
Copy !req
331. - You don't deserve
a friend like me.
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332. - Can you fellows take
this argument someplace else?
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333. I have an illegal
to operate on.
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334. - I need anesthesia.
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335. Anesthesia?
Copy !req
336. - What you want, mother?
I'm trying to sleep.
Copy !req
337. - Nom, nom, nom, nom,
mmm, mmm.
Copy !req
338. - What the hell are you eating?
- Raw bacon.
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339. - You can't eat raw bacon.
Copy !req
340. - All right, then, I'll just
drink this 94-ounce coca-cola.
Copy !req
341. Raw bacon makes me thirsty.
Copy !req
342. - Well, I'm banning big sodas,
raw bacon, and anything else
Copy !req
343. That'll you up,
including guns.
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344. - Guns? What am I gonna put
in my mouth when I jack off?
Copy !req
345. Why are you
doing this, bobby?
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346. - 'cause if you get sick
or hurt,
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347. I'ma have to pay for it,
you dumb son of a bitch.
Copy !req
348. - You know what?
Copy !req
349. O'bobbycare took away
everything I love.
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350. Obama would never hurt me
like this.
Copy !req
351. Oh!
Copy !req
352. - Yeah, he's a real jerk.
Copy !req
353. I can't stand him.
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354. No.
He's right next to me
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355. With his big, stupid
kathleen turner mustache.
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356. - you.
That's not even a real phone.
Copy !req
357. - See what I'm dealing with?
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358. - Down syndrome?
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359. I've got a surprise
for you, steve.
Copy !req
360. - What's in the box?
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361. - I think we're all hoping
it's gwyneth paltrow's head.
Copy !req
362. - Oh, you'll see.
Copy !req
363. It's my plan to keep you
from screwing up my event
Copy !req
364. And make me look like a hero
in the process.
Copy !req
365. - Woody?
Woody, no.
Copy !req
366. No, no, no, no!
What are you doing?
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367. - Ah, here is
the man of the hour.
Copy !req
368. - Hey, great to see you.
Copy !req
369. - And who is your guest?
- This is a cancer kid.
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370. I saved his life,
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371. Had him sewn to me,
so he could share my liver.
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372. The cancer took his.
Copy !req
373. - Dear god.
What's your name, son?
Copy !req
374. - Uh-
Copy !req
375. Did I mention he's also a mute
and pretty much brain dead?
Copy !req
376. - So he's brain dead
and a mute?
Copy !req
377. - Well, he wasn't born
a mute.
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378. He had tonsil cancer.
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379. - Oh, I thought
he had liver cancer.
Copy !req
380. - Oh, he does.
He's getting it from both ends.
Copy !req
381. Cancer's running a train
on this brain-dead bastard.
Copy !req
382. - Well, have a splendid time.
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383. - This sucks.
I'll never forgive you for this.
Copy !req
384. - You just keep
your mouth shut.
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385. You're not screwing this up for
me, you annoying waste of space!
Copy !req
386. Oh, hello, senator varnadoe.
Copy !req
387. - And who is this
with you?
Copy !req
388. - Just a shit-for-brains
cancer mute.
Copy !req
389. He'll be dead soon,
so just pretend he's not here.
Copy !req
390. - Crab cakes, gentlemen?
- Not for me.
Copy !req
391. I'm highly allergic.
Copy !req
392. - Yes, this is
truly an honor.
Copy !req
393. Whoa, did it get hot
in here?
Copy !req
394. - Mr. Johnson,
are you feeling okay?
Copy !req
395. - Yeah, yeah,
I never felt better.
Copy !req
396. - Attention, everyone,
the president has arrived.
Copy !req
397. - Now remember, connie,
keep in touch with reality.
Copy !req
398. - You'll see.
Copy !req
399. Hello, barry.
- Connie!
Copy !req
400. - Uh, I'm sorry, do I know you?
- You should.
Copy !req
401. You've sent me over a hundred
dirty texts in the last week,
Copy !req
402. You pervert!
Copy !req
403. Who is this guy?
He's funny.
Copy !req
404. - Leave me alone.
I mean it.
Copy !req
405. No, no.
Copy !req
406. - Hello, connie.
Copy !req
407. Do you know how hard
it was to pretend
Copy !req
408. I didn't know you
back there?
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409. I had to make up this stupid
award just to get close to you.
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410. - No, barry. I've told you
a hundred times, I'm a lesbian.
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411. Oh!
- so was michelle.
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412. I like a challenge.
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413. You smell like a petting zoo
on a hot Sunday.
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414. - Stop it.
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415. - I remember the first day
we met.
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416. I was intoxicated
by that big, pasty ass.
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417. I've been chasing
that ginger dragon ever since.
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418. - Barry, you're a married man.
We can't.
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419. - Yes, we can, connie.
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420. Yes, we can.
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421. - Mr. President,
it's time to go on.
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422. - Damn.
I'll be right there.
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423. I'll be back
for that big flappy, dappy ass.
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424. - Please welcome the president
of the United States,
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425. Barack obama.
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426. - It's a privilege
to be here on this special day
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427. To honor a great american
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428. In one of our nation's majestic
national parks, brickleberry.
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429. National parks are both big
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430. And beautiful
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431. And flappy dappy.
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432. - The man is a good speaker.
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433. - So without further adieu,
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434. I'd like to introduce
the man of the hour,
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435. Accompanied
by the brain-dead,
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436. Mute cancer kid
whose life he saved.
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437. Ladies and gentlemen,
mr. Woody johnson.
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438. - Oh!
Hey, look, it's lena dunham.
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439. She's so brave.
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440. - Now, this man not only saves
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441. Cancer-stricken
children's lives,
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442. But more importantly,
shows up for work every day,
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443. And so I present this award
to you.
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444. - Thank you, mr. Presid—
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445. - Usa, usa, usa!
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446. - Oh, god,
how did this happen?
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447. - Hmm, it wasn't that tray
of crab cakes I ate, was it?
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448. - You did this?
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449. You son of a bitch, you ruined
the best day of my life!
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450. - You wouldn't have a life
if it wasn't for me.
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451. I just wanted
to be your friend,
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452. And all you did
was treat me like shit!
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453. And you gave me cancer.
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454. - I'm gonna kill you!
- Not if I kill you first!
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455. - Mr. Johnson,
I'm from fox news.
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456. I'd like to present you
with our "man of the year" award
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457. For puking
all over the president.
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458. Well done, sir.
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459. - Oh, my god,
I don't know what to say.
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460. What an honor.
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461. Well, this beats the shit out
of a stupid presidential medal,
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462. And I owe it all
to my friend steve.
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463. - We're friends?
Really?
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464. - You bet, buddy.
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465. Sorry for being
such a dick.
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466. - I guess we all learned
a good lesson today.
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467. - Why don't you
wash that lesson down
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468. With some delicious
crab cakes?
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469. - Oh, great idea,
malloy.
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470. - No, steve, no!
I'm highly allerg—
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471. - Hey, bobby?
- I told you, bodean,
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472. I'm flat broke.
I can't take you to the doctor.
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473. - That's okay, bobby.
The pain will go away
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474. When I bleed out and die.
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475. - I sure do wish you had
dependable health coverage
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476. Like I do.
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477. - I didn't know
you had health insurance.
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478. - Yeah, after I spent all
that money on your medical bills
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479. And went broke,
I qualified for obamacare.
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480. It's awesome.
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481. - Too bad there ain't no way
to get on your policy.
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482. - Well, there is one way.
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483. - I now pronounce you
husband and husband.
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484. Have fun in hell.
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485. - Well, good news, bodean,
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486. You got insurance now, because
we're officially married.
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487. - It ain't official
until we consummate it.
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488. - Connie, you're lucky
they didn't commit you.
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489. - I was telling the truth
the whole time.
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490. Barack really does want me.
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491. hello?
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492. - Connie, I'm sorry
I got swept away last night.
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493. I'll be back
for that flappy ass soon.
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494. In the meantime, I sent
a present to tide you over.
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495. - Let me guess.
That was "barry," right?
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496. - Yep, and he said
he sent me a present.
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497. I wonder what it could—
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498. Ew. Gross.
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499. Obama sent me
a dick pic.
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500. - It's just a black screen.
- It's a close up.
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