1. With liberty and justice for all.Copy !req
2. I am so grateful to be
living in this fine country.Copy !req
3. Me too. Thank God for slavery.Copy !req
4. Don't mind me. I'm high as shit right now.Copy !req
5. Drug test Denzel.Copy !req
6. Okay, as y'all know, this
year Brickleberry isCopy !req
7. proud to host the annual
park service ranger ball.Copy !req
8. Well, I, for one, am looking forward to
getting wasted and having anonymous sexCopy !req
9. with multiple partners of
various races and genders.Copy !req
10. Drug test Ethel.Copy !req
11. I Hope I get lucky too.Copy !req
12. I'm bringing a friend to be
my date, so fingers crossed.Copy !req
13. By friend, he means hooker,Copy !req
14. and, by date, he means shallow
grave by the rail road.Copy !req
15. I'm glad everyone's gonna have fun.Copy !req
16. I'll probably just spend the
whole night by the punch bowl.Copy !req
17. By myself.Copy !req
18. Alone.Copy !req
19. - Again.
- Oh.Copy !req
20. That's sweet of you not to spoil our fun.Copy !req
21. I can't wait.Copy !req
22. I'll have my pick of the female rangers.Copy !req
23. Sometimes I wonder what goes on in
that baby elephant head of yours.Copy !req
24. Don't be jealous, Ethel.Copy !req
25. Everyone knows I'm the coolest and
best-looking Park Ranger around.Copy !req
26. What?Copy !req
27. Did someone draw a dick on my face again?Copy !req
28. She takes out a diaper, right?Copy !req
29. And I said, "not yet.
I ain't ready for you yet".Copy !req
30. Shh. He's right there.Copy !req
31. Hi, guys. Listen, about earlier, I'd
appreciate it if we could just...Copy !req
32. Steve, if we teased you about somethingCopy !req
33. so obviously painful, what
kind of friends would we be?Copy !req
34. - Thanks, Malloy. I was worried that...
- Trick question.Copy !req
35. I'm not friends with bald people.Copy !req
36. Hey!Copy !req
37. No!Copy !req
38. Go ahead. Laugh it up,
you heartless bastards.Copy !req
39. I've been dealing with this problem
for most of my adult life.
You don't understand what
it's like to be bald.Copy !req
40. Cruelly, the day I gained
hair in one area...Copy !req
41. I lost it in another.Copy !req
42. I tried to hide my secret shame, but
sooner or later I would always be exposed.Copy !req
43. Kids, please, allow me.Copy !req
44. The cruelest blow came on prom night.Copy !req
45. Stacy Blanchard agreed to go with me if
I did her homework for the semester.Copy !req
46. Thanks to me, she got to go
to high school an extra year.Copy !req
47. You are so getting laid tonight.Copy !req
48. I thought we had a deal.Copy !req
49. Uh yeah, the contract was void because
I got an "F" and you look like shit.Copy !req
50. Allow me.Copy !req
51. Kids can be so cruel.Copy !req
52. So can adults, you bald mother.Copy !req
53. Oh, Steve, it's not that bad.Copy !req
54. You kind of got that Michael Chiklis look.Copy !req
55. - Really?
- Yeah.Copy !req
56. And if he weren't bald and ugly,
that would be a compliment.Copy !req
57. Oh, I got him.Copy !req
58. Oh, he thought I was gonna
say something nice.Copy !req
59. Must be hard to process sarcasm
with that shitty chrome dome.Copy !req
60. Ethel, I understand Woody, Denzel,
and Malloy teasing Steve,Copy !req
61. but you too?Copy !req
62. Absolutely.Copy !req
63. I've always considered myself to be someoneCopy !req
64. who cares more about animals than people.Copy !req
65. Die, you little bastard.Copy !req
66. See, this is a perfect example.Copy !req
67. There you go, little fella.Copy !req
68. You're safe now.Copy !req
69. - What was that?
- You just crushed a kitten's head.Copy !req
70. Oh, no.Copy !req
71. Oh, no.Copy !req
72. I always have you, Viggo Mortensen.Copy !req
73. Even if it's only in my homoerotic dreams.Copy !req
74. Hey, Steve, what are you doing?Copy !req
75. Uh, nothing.Copy !req
76. You're not leaving, are you?Copy !req
77. Connie, I spent the last ten years hereCopy !req
78. cultivating an image of the
coolest guy in the park,Copy !req
79. an object of desire for
women and confused animals.Copy !req
80. But now that I've been exposed,Copy !req
81. I need to find some place
I can be popular again.Copy !req
82. That's why I'm headed to...Copy !req
83. Wounded Knee, South Dakota.Copy !req
84. Nah. Too cold.Copy !req
85. Make that Fishkill, New York?Copy !req
86. Steve, I know how it feels
to be unattractive.Copy !req
87. It can really hurt.Copy !req
88. That's why you need friends
to make you feel better.Copy !req
89. Hey, you know that ranger ball coming up?Copy !req
90. We should go together.Copy !req
91. You know, as friends.Copy !req
92. I'll even get drunk and give you a tug job.Copy !req
93. I'm good, thanks.Copy !req
94. Steve, you're a good person.Copy !req
95. You just need to make your inside feel as
beautiful as you want your outside to be.Copy !req
96. So what you're saying is
make my outside beautiful,Copy !req
97. no matter how ugly I am on the inside.Copy !req
98. Well, that's not really what I was saying.Copy !req
99. - What I was saying...
- Great advice, Connie.Copy !req
100. I'd kiss you if you
weren't so goddamn ugly.Copy !req
101. Mm.Copy !req
102. Hang in there, little kitty.
Almost to the vet.Copy !req
103. Every life is precious.Copy !req
104. Thank you, Heavenly Father.Copy !req
105. Only by your blessed holy spirit
and amazing Grace did I...Copy !req
106. Ah, Jesus goddamn Christ!Copy !req
107. Denzel's government surplus emporium.Copy !req
108. What you need?
I got water coolers, uniforms, rifles.Copy !req
109. I even got a waterfall.
But you got to come pick that shit up.Copy !req
110. Denzel, it's Ethel.Copy !req
111. You're not selling off all
our stuff again, are you?Copy !req
112. Hell no. In an unrelated question,Copy !req
113. how much do you think I can
get for your black teddy?Copy !req
114. Denzel, focus. I just hit a deer.Copy !req
115. I think it's gonna die.Copy !req
116. You got to put that poor
animal out of its misery.Copy !req
117. I can't do that.Copy !req
118. It goes against every fiber
of my self-righteous being.Copy !req
119. Ethel, it's Malloy. Kill it.Copy !req
120. Do you even know what we're talking about?Copy !req
121. Don't know, don't care, just kill it.Copy !req
122. If the animal's suffering, trust
me, it's the right thing to do.Copy !req
123. Ain't no warranty on that!Copy !req
124. I am so sorry, little doe.Copy !req
125. Why...Copy !req
126. Did I enjoy that so much?Copy !req
127. So, Steve, after two years of taking
multiple daily shots in the buttocks,Copy !req
128. you can expect to go from
this hairless freak...Copy !req
129. To this handsome devil.Copy !req
130. What is that, like, four more hairs?Copy !req
131. Up to four more hairs.Copy !req
132. Growitol.Copy !req
133. Ask your doctor if
Growitol's right for you.Copy !req
134. You are my doctor. That's why I'm here.Copy !req
135. Am I? You know, Steve, I always
saw you more as a friend.Copy !req
136. Besides, I was banned from
practicing medicine years ago.Copy !req
137. I'm not kidding.Copy !req
138. Isn't there anything else you can give me?Copy !req
139. Without hair, I'm nobody.Copy !req
140. I'm not smart, I'm not
as athletic as I look,Copy !req
141. my personality is non-existent,
yet somehow grating.Copy !req
142. Well, Steve, there is the
hair tonic that I use.Copy !req
143. I purchased it on the Chinese black market.Copy !req
144. Or was it the black Chinese market?Copy !req
145. Anyway it's made with tiger sperm.Copy !req
146. Now remember, friend, just rub a
thimbleful on your scalp once a week...Copy !req
147. Ooh. Not good.Copy !req
148. Lucky for you, I'm also
a malpractice attorney.Copy !req
149. My card.Copy !req
150. Man, it's hot all of a sudden.Copy !req
151. What happened?Copy !req
152. Man, I got a wicked hangover. Oh, God.Copy !req
153. What have I done?Copy !req
154. Say your prayers, grizzly bear.Copy !req
155. This is for killing my neighbor's pig.Copy !req
156. That pig beat me in checkers.Copy !req
157. They smarter than dogs, you know.Copy !req
158. No, please don't shoot.Copy !req
159. He talk. Hold on, Bobby.
That ain't no bear.Copy !req
160. That right there is Bigfoot.Copy !req
161. Bigfoot. Ha. I'm afraid you're...Copy !req
162. Holy shit, we're in the
presence of greatness.Copy !req
163. Hey, everybody!Copy !req
164. It's Bigfoot, a real-life celebrity.Copy !req
165. Your hair is beautiful. It's so silky.Copy !req
166. Can we get a picture with you?Copy !req
167. Listen, people, I'm flattered
by the attention, but...Copy !req
168. Bigfoot, will you sign my gigantic breasts?Copy !req
169. Bigfoot would love to.Copy !req
170. I know just where I'm gonna put the os.Copy !req
171. The nipples.Copy !req
172. Hey, has anyone seen my stapler?Copy !req
173. It's probably on your desk.Copy !req
174. - Thanks.
- Where's my desk?Copy !req
175. Where it always is. By the copy machine.Copy !req
176. Where's the goddamn copy machine?Copy !req
177. It's right there.
Denzel, you see it, don't you?Copy !req
178. Of course I do.Copy !req
179. Chh-chh. Beep.Copy !req
180. This isn't good.Copy !req
181. You're probably having another
one of your episodes.Copy !req
182. - Did you just kill a fly?
- Huh. I guess I did.Copy !req
183. - That's not like you at all, Ethel.
- Ah, it's no big deal. It's just a fly.Copy !req
184. My old "savior to the animals" stance
may have been a little extreme.Copy !req
185. Well, I'm glad to hear
you've come to your senses.Copy !req
186. Thank you.Copy !req
187. Oh, look at you. You're still alive.Copy !req
188. This bitch is crazy.Copy !req
189. Okay, I only have time for several
hundred more final questions, everybody.Copy !req
190. Hello, Bigfoot, Timmy from
Timmy's YouTube channel.Copy !req
191. Why now, after centuries of hiding,
have you chosen to go public?Copy !req
192. Because, Timmy, I wanted to be famous.Copy !req
193. And famous people get a shitload of ass.Copy !req
194. Yay, Bigfoot!Copy !req
195. - Is it?
- Could it be?Copy !req
196. You damn right it is.Copy !req
197. Yo, Chewbacca, you got to give me
a ride in the Millennium Falcon.Copy !req
198. No, it's Bigfoot, the mythical
creature that's responsible forCopy !req
199. countless hours of shitty programming
on the Discovery Channel.Copy !req
200. - Connie, look who's here.
- Yeah, nice to meet you, Bigfoot.Copy !req
201. Guys, I'm worried about Steve.
He's been missing since yesterday.Copy !req
202. Ah, screw Steve.Copy !req
203. Bigfoot's a bona fide tourist attraction.Copy !req
204. But Steve's our friend.
I think he could be in danger.Copy !req
205. That's very sweet of you,
stranger who I've never met,Copy !req
206. but let's not draw attention away from
me, Bigfoot, because that's who I am.Copy !req
207. Mr. Foot, please feel welcome
here at Brickleberry.Copy !req
208. As long as you don't go all
chimpy and rip our faces off.Copy !req
209. I think I just gave him an idea.Copy !req
210. Fear not, humanoids. Bigfoot's your friend.Copy !req
211. Unlike that Jew-hating Loch Ness Monster.Copy !req
212. I hate the Jews!Copy !req
213. All I desire is your adulation.Copy !req
214. Somebody give me some rubber gloves.Copy !req
215. If I'm gonna adulate this guy, I don't
want to get that gunk all over my hands.Copy !req
216. Hey, Steve.Copy !req
217. I'm not Steve, my fellow woodland creature.Copy !req
218. I'm the notorious B-i-g...Copy !req
219. F-o-o-t...Copy !req
220. E.Copy !req
221. Hair or no hair, you smell
like a Turkish man's balls.Copy !req
222. Please, Malloy, don't blow this for me.Copy !req
223. No one gives a damn about Steve.
This is a chance to reinvent myself.Copy !req
224. Take it easy, Polamalu.
I'm not gonna blow your cover.Copy !req
225. There's money to be made here.
And I'll be your manager.Copy !req
226. Okay. 5% sound fair?Copy !req
227. - Sure. I'll give you 5%.
- Deal. Wow, you're shrewd.Copy !req
228. I'm lucky you're on my side.Copy !req
229. Oh, you poor baby.Copy !req
230. Ethel will make it all better.Copy !req
231. Whoa! What the hell are you doing?Copy !req
232. I have to do it Denzel, this cute
little guy was abandoned by his mother.Copy !req
233. He wasn't abandoned by his mother.Copy !req
234. His mother's right there.Copy !req
235. - Oh, my God. You shot it!
- Well, I had no choice, Denzel.Copy !req
236. It was distraught its
baby was about to die.Copy !req
237. All right, Ethel, what the
hell is going on with you?Copy !req
238. All right, here's the thing.Copy !req
239. When I killed that deer, I had
the best orgasm of my life.Copy !req
240. I've been chasing that dragon ever since.Copy !req
241. Ethel, you're confused.
Women don't have no orgasms. Pfft.Copy !req
242. - And you got to stop this killing, girl.
- I guess you're right, Denzel.Copy !req
243. I promise, no more killing.Copy !req
244. Starting now.Copy !req
245. Sasquatch!Copy !req
246. I got your face tattooed on my anus!Copy !req
247. Much love. Wish I could stop.Copy !req
248. Let's talk big picture here.Copy !req
249. How long we gonna milk this
Wookiee in the woods routine?Copy !req
250. What are you talking about? Steve is dead.Copy !req
251. I'm gonna be Bigfoot forever.Copy !req
252. Hey, Bigfoot, if it wouldn't
be too much trouble,Copy !req
253. could you make love to
my wife while I watch?Copy !req
254. Inappropriate.Copy !req
255. - I'm blind!
- Trust me. I did you a favor.Copy !req
256. So, Steve, big gig on Wednesday.Copy !req
257. You're gonna be emceeing
a dwarf fashion show.Copy !req
258. No can do, baby.
I'm going to the ranger ball.Copy !req
259. But I already booked Giselle Munchkin.Copy !req
260. Sorry, Malloy, the ball is tomorrow night,Copy !req
261. and I know just who I'm going to take.Copy !req
262. Oh, God!Copy !req
263. Oops, sorry. Wrong picture.Copy !req
264. The most beautiful woman in the world.Copy !req
265. I cannot believe you are gonna
make me kill all those Dwarves.Copy !req
266. Who said anything about killing Dwarves?Copy !req
267. It's either that or I pay them.Copy !req
268. And I'm not planning on paying them.Copy !req
269. So that means I'm going
to have to kill them.Copy !req
270. Steve!Copy !req
271. Oh, Steve!Copy !req
272. Oh, no.Copy !req
273. This is terrible.Copy !req
274. Hey, have you seen the little bear?
He told us to meet him right here.Copy !req
275. You look beautiful, my love.Copy !req
276. Hey, no kiss on mouth.Copy !req
277. Baby hatch okay, but not on mouth.Copy !req
278. Oh, you are one classy lady.Copy !req
279. Stacy should be here any minute.
I'm so excited.Copy !req
280. Why are you so obsessed with
this girl from high school?Copy !req
281. You should be dating a celebrity.
It's good for the brand.Copy !req
282. Like Audrey Hepburn?Copy !req
283. Yeah, but alive and not as much of a whore.Copy !req
284. That must be her.
The most beautiful girl on earth.Copy !req
285. She hasn't changed a bit.Copy !req
286. Madame, shall we?Copy !req
287. Bigfoot, you are so handsome.Copy !req
288. Oh, my God. That's awesome.Copy !req
289. You sound just like Megatron.Copy !req
290. Oh, Bigfoot, I feel like I could
start a new life with you.Copy !req
291. Here are the keys. Drive 'em into the lake.Copy !req
292. Yo, yo, biggity foot inside the house.Copy !req
293. What's the deal?Copy !req
294. I thought this was supposed to be a party.Copy !req
295. Yeah, but it turned into
a memorial service.Copy !req
296. We just got some bad news, Bigfoot.Copy !req
297. Connie found Steve's car
smashed in a ravine.Copy !req
298. He must have lost control.Copy !req
299. His tires were as bald as his head.Copy !req
300. Oh. All right.Copy !req
301. Let's have a moment of silence.Copy !req
302. Okay, let's tear this shit up!Copy !req
303. No. Tonight we honor our friend.Copy !req
304. And shame on all of you for teasing
him for something he couldn't help.Copy !req
305. - I feel terrible.
- Yeah, me too.Copy !req
306. Me too.Copy !req
307. I never met this Steve fellow,
but he sounds like a great guy.Copy !req
308. Hold on. You had every right to
treat Steve like an asshole.Copy !req
309. He was bald.Copy !req
310. But you know who has lots of hair?Copy !req
311. Bigfoot. Come on, everyone!Copy !req
312. Do the Bigfoot.
It goes a little something like this.Copy !req
313. Stop Bigfoot dancing.Copy !req
314. Why don't you want us
to remember our friend?Copy !req
315. I'll tell you why.Copy !req
316. The police lab just analyzed Steve's
clothes, and they were covered in hair...Copy !req
317. Hair genetically identical to this!Copy !req
318. Okay, guys, there's an
explanation for this.Copy !req
319. Yeah. There is.Copy !req
320. You killed Steve.Copy !req
321. - He's a murderer!
- He's a monster!Copy !req
322. Look who's talking.Copy !req
323. No, it's a misunderstanding.
Tell 'em, Malloy.Copy !req
324. I have no idea what this
Bigfoot is talking about.Copy !req
325. Sorry, buddy, but your death is gonna
make for a merchandising bonanza.Copy !req
326. - Let's get him.
- We're gonna bring you to justice.Copy !req
327. To hell with justice. I am gonna kill you.Copy !req
328. And I am really gonna enjoy it.Copy !req
329. Uh-oh. Somebody call FEMA.Copy !req
330. It feels like a levee
just broke in my pants.Copy !req
331. Who the hell brings torches
and pitchforks to a ball?Copy !req
332. We gonna get you, Bigfoot!Copy !req
333. I'm not Bigfoot. Let me explain.Copy !req
334. Oh, sorry about that, BoDean.Copy !req
335. What?Copy !req
336. There you go, buddy. Good as new.Copy !req
337. What?Copy !req
338. Damn, this Bigfoot fast.Copy !req
339. I want justice.Copy !req
340. I make my own goddamn justice.Copy !req
341. It's looting time up in this bitch!Copy !req
342. Shit, this is my car.Copy !req
343. Die, you big-footed freak. Die!Copy !req
344. Give me that. I'm a natural predator.Copy !req
345. No! No. I have to do it.Copy !req
346. You try that again, and I will
blow your frickin' head off.Copy !req
347. That's weird.
Usually I can smell your period.Copy !req
348. Show yourself, killer.Copy !req
349. I like boobies.Copy !req
350. Aw, man.Copy !req
351. Prepare to meet Bigfoot Jesus,
you hairy son of a bitch.Copy !req
352. Damn it, BoDean, don't stand in front
of me when I'm shooting something.Copy !req
353. - What?
- I ain't got anymore gum.Copy !req
354. That's okay, Bobby.Copy !req
355. Wow, good solution.Copy !req
356. Now prepare to die.Copy !req
357. I'm not prepared.Copy !req
358. Bigfoot?Copy !req
359. So you are real.Copy !req
360. Thank you for saving my life.Copy !req
361. I don't blame you for hiding from society
all these years, mythical giant.Copy !req
362. You are not the savage. We are.Copy !req
363. We humans are vulgar, violent, and,
above all, never to be trusted.Copy !req
364. Shoot him. He killed Steve.Copy !req
365. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
366. Ah, that was uncomfortable for all of us.Copy !req
367. I can't believe I killed the real Bigfoot.Copy !req
368. He was completely innocent,
as are all animals.Copy !req
369. How will I ever forgive myself?Copy !req
370. You probably won't.Copy !req
371. I mean, not with this
as a constant reminder.Copy !req
372. You can almost tell that his
last words were "you bitch".Copy !req
373. Hey, everybody.Copy !req
374. I just want you to know I feel terrible
about pretending to be Bigfoot.Copy !req
375. Yeah, you should.Copy !req
376. And when are you gonna get rid
of that stupid asshole hair,Copy !req
377. you stupid, hairy asshole?Copy !req
378. I've tried everything.
I guess the drug's just got to wear off.Copy !req
379. - Nice to have you back, Steve.
- Thanks, Connie.Copy !req
380. The one thing I've realized
throughout this whole ordealCopy !req
381. is what a great friend you are to me.Copy !req
382. Oh, come on.Copy !req
383. No, you are really an amazing person.Copy !req
384. I should have just saved myself a lot
of trouble and taken you to the dance.Copy !req
385. - Shall we?
- I'd be honored.Copy !req
386. Nothing could ruin this special moment.Copy !req
387. Except that.Copy !req
388. Yes, Steve's back in all his glory.Copy !req
389. Damn, Steve, cover your ass up.Copy !req
390. No. I'll never feel shame again.Copy !req
391. I am a bald, overweight man with
misshapen genitals, and proud of it!Copy !req
392. Soak it in, everybody.Copy !req